Enlisted (2014) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 Take care of your brothers, okay? Yes, sir.
Bye.
Bring me back something.
Okay.
Hands on heads.
Check out these pictures.
These are my brothers.
Real nice guys.
I love that you're opening up to me, But I'm freaking out here! Relax, bro, I got this.
Yeah, we're being shot at real bad.
We'd love some backup.
Man : Negative.
Command can't access your info, 'cause the system's down.
You're telling me we're screwed Because your computer crashed? Say again? Idiots.
Hey, any of you fellas got a pc? That was dumb.
? thunderstruck ? thunderstruck All right, which one of you idiots denied my backup? Oh, shoot, you're old.
Like larry king in camo.
I can't punch larry king.
I'm also a colonel.
You signed on to get shot at, So get out of my face, candy-ass.
Huh.
Maybe I can punch larry king.
? thunderstruck Suddenly, I'm thinking consequences.
? yeah, yeah, thunderstruck Way to go, dumbass.
You lost a rank and got booted stateside, Some rear detachment unit in florida.
Rear d? Those guys aren't even real soldiers.
All they do is wash tanks and mow lawns.
My brothers are in rear d.
Wait a second.
Florida? Oh, hell, no.
This is so stupid.
We look like a couple of groupies At a one direction concert.
Thank god I talked you out of flowers.
You didn't.
I got him some carnations.
They're man flowers.
There's no such thing as man flowers.
Yeah, there are.
Is that glitter? Yeah, he just got back from war, So yeah, it's glitter.
Hold this.
Wow.
Hey, brother.
Hey, randy.
What's up, less handsome brother? How's uncle sam's favorite nephew? Oh, cool, you're still a dick.
Here we go, boys.
Randy, stop.
You know I hate that.
No, no.
Hand-head is how we've said "I love you" since we were kids, So give me this, because we haven't been together in a year And I'm happy pete didn't get blown up.
Well, I almost got blown up.
But you were never scared, right? I mean, I was scared for you, But I'd think about you not being scared, And then I wouldn't be so scared anymore.
There's been a lot of this.
Okay.
Randy? Uh-huh? People were shooting At me every day.
Of course I was scared.
I shouldn't have said that.
Now I have to reevaluate how I felt.
Yeah, I'm actually getting really scared again.
No, no, you can't retroactively be scared.
The human body doesn't work that way.
Mine does, okay? It's coming in a wave.
I've literally been home a minute, I already broke randy.
Come here, buddy.
Here you go.
hand-head.
Yeah.
Upswing.
Thanks, pete.
Feel better? So much better.
Yeah.
I got him.
Oh, you don't want some of this? Nope.
Oh, come here, man.
Enlisted S01E01 Pilot I served with your father for half my life.
When he died, I swore I'd look after you and your brothers.
Aw Don't "aw," damn it! You were the only hill brother that wasn't a screwup.
Derrick's got no respect, hates being a soldier.
Where's my motorcycle, boy?! Come on, where could I hide A bright yellow motorcycle? It was in the tree.
And randy loves being a soldier.
I can aim by sight alone.
Which is too bad.
Boo-ya! Do I have to pay for that? When do you get to the part about them being screwups? Shut up.
I didn't lose a foot in a land mine To hear you talk junk.
Have we ever talked without you Bringing up your fake foot? When your foot gets Blown off, you can bring it up whenever you like.
You get it's weird it's a white guy's foot.
My size only comes in white.
Okay, I can't be stuck in rear d.
It's for the guys who can't cut it.
I'm in rear d.
Let me back up.
Rear d maintains the base And supports the families of deployed soldiers.
It's an important job.
Totally agree.
Now, how do I get out of it? You don't.
I'm being wasted here! This is insane! How did it go from him yelling at me? I'm yelling at him.
This is me we're talking about, all right? 3.
5 million taxpayer dollars Went into training the specimen you see before you.
specimen? In afghanistan, I led over 100 raids on insurgent camps.
I caught a grenade and threw it back at the guy.
You want to know who killed bin laden? Okay, it wasn't me, but it was a guy very much like me.
This is a little bell I ring When someone's being a total ass.
I'm just trying to make a point.
Oh, I get your point.
You're bruce willis in die hard.
Van damme in expendables 2.
Is that really the van damme movie you're gonna go with? You got timecop, kickboxer Your mission is here.
You got war games coming up with an italian platoon.
That is more like it.
More important, You gotta find this dog asap.
That is way less like it.
Come on.
Name's bogie.
Belongs to one of the families on the base.
And this Is his favorite toy.
Come on, pete, we're giving you a tour of the base! Stop banging on the window, idiot.
Come on, I'm gonna show you where we eat.
Do you ever not shout? Can I please go back to war? ? ay, me gusta that booty This is the opposite of an army commercial.
Yeah, son! I don't know why I said that so excited, But it's pretty cool we're here together, right? Uh, that's a complicated answer, buddy.
Yeah.
I too am thrilled, pete.
I mean, to think just yesterday I was washing a tank Without getting your take on it.
Dude, the only thing that stinks is that we never get To drive these babies.
Someday.
I doubt it.
That should've been bolted on.
? me gusta that booty Private sanchez.
You too busy listening to awful music To fix your humvee, like I asked? How many push-ups should he do, guys? 25? Do we have 50? A hundie? How about 1,000? What? 1,000? Well, that's just insane.
150, and thank you for getting "me gusta that booty" stuck in my head.
All right, go.
Hi there.
I am sergeant perez.
Well, hello there.
I know it seems like she's being nice, but she Hates us and she's about to say something mean.
No.
I head up the other rear d unit here The one not full of rejects and mental patients.
Spot on, sergeant.
So mean, man.
Yeah.
Yeah, mean.
Very well done.
Look, if cody wants you three idiots here, It's fine with me.
Just keep your unit out of my unit's way.
"unit.
" See, my platoon is full of bright, dedicated soldiers.
I'll put my privates up against your privates any old day.
seriously? That was my fault.
I'm sorry.
I'm not a huge fan of double entendres, But this has been a fun exchange.
Point is, I'm a dedicated soldier.
Got a little chip on your shoulder, huh? Uh, it's actually In my shoulder.
It's from a grenade-- hurts when it rains.
Also when I move my arm in any direction.
Ah Wow.
Well I think there's something here.
I'm feeling it.
There's not.
Sanchez, you can have a little music.
Here you go.
Boy, that never happens.
That's never happened as far as I know.
Let's go meet your platoon, huh? These guys? Bradley! Cooper! Bradley! Cooper! Did he say "bradley cooper"? I don't want to kill bradley cooper.
It's just a rhythm thing.
Bradley! Cooper! Bradley! Cooper! Yah! Bradley cooper! Bradley cooper! What is he What are you doing? Bradley cooper, bradley cooper He's actually gotten much better.
Do I have to pay for that? I am so screwed.
I've killed bradley cooper.
Good morning.
I'm sergeant hill.
Yeah! Pete hill in the house! Stop being his hype man.
He just got back from war, And he's nervous.
In afghanistan, I led over 100 raids on insurgent camps.
If anyone can make you real soldiers, it's me.
Now, to start with, this unit doesn't even have a motto.
A motto embodies the spirit of the unit! Shh.
Ooh, how about, "give me back Those cds you borrowed, brian.
" That's not a motto.
But it does need to be said.
Let's talk about your appearance.
Now, we've got a weight issue In this general area here.
We do.
Yeah, we do! Stop.
Stop that.
What's your name? Corporal george chubowski.
Chubowski? Wow.
Okay, you can't change.
It'd be weird if you weren't big.
No one likes an ironic name! For the love of all things holy, Shut up, randy! Inside voice, boo-boo.
Listen up! Our mission is to find a dog.
But we can skip that, unless that dog has been trained By the taliban at a doggie madrasa.
hmm? It's an arabic learning institution.
You know what? Never mind.
What we're gonna do instead Is focus on war games, Which is way cooler than looking for a dog.
Now, let's go find a great soldier Inside of each one of you.
Two, three.
Seven! One, two, three.
Eight! One, two, three.
One! I don't even know what that is.
Three! One, two, three.
Four! One, two, three.
Five! One, two, three! Six! Why you throwing elbows, cindy?! I'm going through a divorce! let's go! I don't need your help! Your back's like memory foam! Your hand's inside of me.
Dear god.
How does that even happen? Actually, this is the furthest I've gotten.
Of course it is.
A little help.
So it turns out there was not a great soldier Inside of each of you.
Except for park, who I'm now afraid of.
Thank you.
'sup, grunts? You pete? I'm sergeant hill.
Oh I don't have to do that.
That's wallace.
He's a civilian contractor From the washington, district of columbia.
You don't have to say the whole thing.
I do, out of respect.
Dc, randy.
I manage the big money operations around here, brah.
I coord, I liase.
Wow.
I've never disliked somebody so quickly before.
It's exhilarating.
It's columbia.
I hate him more than you.
I also set up the war games, and the The italians, they don't like losing.
Those guys are stunning.
Hi! Hey.
How you doing? I love you.
Later, goon platoon.
I am not gonna lose to that douche And those hairless bastards.
Great speech, patton.
You just got yourself An hour looking for the dog.
What? You said that was a stupid idea, And for once I agreed with you.
Two hours.
Dobkiss! Stop poking him with a stick.
Why? Yeah! First beer together in a year! So, did you find bogie? No, I didn't, But I found a basset hound named reggie.
We solved some crimes together.
Are you serious? No.
Look, you can be our boss During the day, okay? But at night, let's just be Three brothers having a drink.
Please? Mm-hmm! Yeah.
That reminds me, we went to Medieval times for my birthday.
It was so badass.
It was so embarrassing, but still Cheers to it.
No, it wasn't.
We would've told you about it if you'd ever contacted us.
I remember his birthday.
I was in afghanistan.
Oh, where? Afghanistan? Am I Am I saying it right? Yeah, that's right.
Anyway, this ied blew up a bad guy.
His socks were hanging on the telephone wire.
Blown clean off.
Oh, boy.
Here comes the wave again, guys.
Sorry to ruin our first Upswing.
Okay.
Oh, hand-head All right, well, this isn't weird.
I'm gonna go watch, uh, the hurt locker to cheer myself up.
I gotta go, too.
Booty calls.
It's a play on "duty calls," But with "booty.
" yeah, randy, I got it.
Yeah.
You got it? I knew you'd get that.
Perez : Doesn't mean anything.
This is the only open seat, so You sure you don't want to go sit with them? How much to drink all the wax in this candle? Yes, I have ten dollars on that.
I'm good.
Look, I, um I'm sorry About earlier.
It's just that I worked Really hard to get To a position that was basically Handed to you as a consolation prize.
Got a little chip on your shoulder, huh? Yes.
Big old nacho chip.
Wh-what now? Wow, I shouldn't have said that.
It's not because you're hispanic.
I-I thought it was gonna be funny, But it just came out hateful.
Want to keep Keep going? Stop talking.
I'll wait.
I don't belong here.
You want to know why I keep doing it? Because I love being a soldier.
Cheers.
Cheers.
All right, I got 30 shots Of the worst tequila in the house.
Who's with me? Oh! Hey! Chill with the drinking.
You got to be up at 6:00 a.
M.
Oh, my god, stop acting like my boss all the time.
Hey, randy, can you believe him? Randy can't believe you.
Hey, I-I got an idea.
Listen.
Let's run the flag, all right? Every time my brother's A huge buzz kill, let's do a shot.
I'm just being an adult.
Red, halt! You're gonna regret this.
White! I could drink you all under the table.
I am just choosing not to! Blue! This is the face of a proud american soldier.
Come on, guys! We got to get serious.
If you're gonna be a bear, be a what? Ooh, a panda bear.
No, you're supposed to say grizzly.
Pandas are very powerful.
They can tear apart bamboo with their teeth.
The point is be the strongest bear.
With all due respect, pandas are very powerful.
They can tear apart bamboo with their teeth.
Right, I get that.
Panda's my spirit animal.
Does it have to be a bear? Can it be a kitty? It should be a scorpion with two tails.
What about three tails? That's stupid.
Oh, god.
Hey! Where the hell are you going? To bed.
I'm hungover.
Get back in line, soldier! This isn't afghanistan.
We're in florida, okay? This is rear d.
We suck.
Hey, guys, that could be our motto.
We suck! Hooah! Bradley cooper! Not now, cindy! That was very good though.
Guys, let's just knock off the negativity, please! Even if we do suck.
And, derrick, support your brother.
Why? Look, he's just here To get his stripe back so he can leave again.
Maybe I am! Because maybe I'm better than this.
What, I should just stick around Turn into a drunk with no future? Now you knock off the negativity.
God, this is getting so negative! Hey, pete just cares about pete, okay? Why do you think we never heard from him when he was overseas? I'm sorry I was too busy getting shot at every day To worry about randy's stupid birthday! Well, I'm sorry I'm a giant screwup and randy turned Into the worst soldier in the history of the army! Ow! Hey! One large guillotine coming up, homeboy! I'm gonna rear naked choke you right now! Stop using with the stupid mma terms! Never! You said you didn't care about my birthday! Rear naked choke hold! Gonna get you in your sleep.
You're rear naked choking me! Ooh! Why are you punching their faces, pete? Don't punch their faces! To be honest, uncle sergeant major cody, it all started When pete said he was stronger than a panda bear.
What? I never said I was stronger Than a panda bear.
You're not.
I mean, sure, I could probably choke out a baby panda.
Why would you do that? It's a baby! Choking out a baby panda.
The fur is so soft and supple.
get out.
Get out! Not you, pete.
We got to talk.
What, are you gonna hit me with that? Oh, no, this is for my daughter's boyfriend, da'quan.
I don't trust boys with apostrophes in their names.
He's gonna pull up in my driveway, And I'm gonna turn his little ass around.
Got pretty banged up over there, huh? Nah, let me see, uh Concussion, shrapnel in my back, Busted wrist, but still I just I feel guilty I'm not over there.
I know, son.
But taking care of the people Left behind is important.
Oh, sure, sometimes we find lost dogs.
But if someone falls, It's our job to tell the family.
Soldiers who do our job Showed up at your house once.
Your father was a good man.
Yeah, he was.
So start acting like him.
Your troops need to know that you're one of them.
Your brothers, too.
oh, hell no.
Take your ass back to kinko's, You 20-year-old bastard! I love being a dad.
What's up with him? He felt bad about letting you down, So he did an hour of jumping jacks.
I don't know if you've ever seen a grown man cry While doing jumping jacks.
It sounds funny; it's just sad.
All right, look.
I'm sorry I didn't keep In touch.
I guess I thought about what could happen, like with dad, And figured If I was distant it would be easier on you guys.
I was wrong.
Yeah, well, it felt like you didn't need us, you dick.
You know, I mean, we're all we've got, so Okay, this is way too heavy for randy to hear, but, uh You want to know how much I needed you guys? You see these? I put these on here.
And whenever I felt like I wasn't gonna make it, I'd look at them.
So you guys would be the last thing that I see.
You're right.
That's way too heavy for randy.
I'm sorry I disappointed you, pete.
Oh, god, that's even sadder than you said.
Well actually now-now it is kind of funny.
Everyone just relax.
That's too much.
Now, I owe you guys an apology.
I've been acting like I'm the only winner in the middle of a bunch of losers.
Well, guess what? I am a loser, too.
Thought he was going the other way with that.
I'm just like you guys are.
A letdown.
A disappointment to everyone I know.
This is a terrible apology.
But we don't have to be losers.
Do you want to lose to that guy? We can beat them.
Who do you see when you look in the mirror? Daffy duck.
I have a picture Of him taped to my mirror.
Okay, what-what do you see next to daffy duck? Ryan gosling.
And next to him, it's another picture Of ryan gosling but in this one He's got two kittens.
You see you! You, chubowski, all of us, we're all soldiers In the army of the United States.
Who cares if we're the ones that nobody else wants? We don't need them.
We have each other now.
We're here together.
We'll train together, we'll fight together.
And we'll take care of each other.
We're all we've got.
We're brothers.
I wish we had a motto to shout.
We do.
We're brothers.
We are brothers! Who are we? We are brothers! Who are we? We are brothers! Who are we? We are brothers! Let's go kick some ass! Yeah! This should take the italians about five minutes.
What the hell is that? ? thunderstruck ? thunderstruck This is the best day of my life! Yeah! ? ooh, thunderstruck thunder Move, move, move, move, move! Come on, guys, just like we practiced.
Okay, good shot.
thunder ? I was caught We too late for the fun? What are you doing here? I told you, I love being a soldier.
Plus it's always fun seeing wallace freak out.
I am so texting the general.
All right, let's do this.
Let's do this.
Take the wall, chubowski! thunder ? my mind raced ? and I thought Go! there was no help, no help from you thunder Where's my golf cart? ? the thunder of guns ? tore me apart Aw, man.
Darn it.
I want my money back.
It was We had a whole, really cool boyz n the hood thing.
No, we did not Yeah, we did.
We're not boys and we're not in the hood.
We're actually gonna win this thing.
What do you got, brother? I'm seeing a dog.
What? It's frigging bogie.
We can't go get him Without the italians taking us out.
What are we gonna do, brother? Come on, italians.
Beat these losers.
Pete.
Pete? form up and follow me.
What? Here, bogie.
maybe they'll give us a time out.
here, bogie Please! Stop, italians, we're being noble! aw! Medic! Yes! This is so lame, man.
I know, we were about to win.
I can't believe I came to help and everything And you pulled this.
Oh, my god! He's so cute! Wow! Whoa! Choosing a dog over victory.
Way to go, rear dummies.
Okay, that's it.
I got your back, sarge.
Bradley cooper! Ooh! Oh, way better than a punch.
Really nice work.
Such a good soldier.
So precise, cindy.
Thank you.
Okay.
Let's go give this guy back.
Come on.
Guys! Bogie! Aw, thank you! Their dad's overseas And we miss him so much.
Bogie reminds us of him.
Thank you.
Well, this is what we do.
You see? Those kids are like us.
We get it, randy.
The image is very clear.
'cause there's brothers and there's three of them.
Got it, buddy.
Thank you.
There you go.
You did a good thing.
You'll get to do a lot more good things like that.
After you wash that tank.
Come on, the tank? Really? It's our job.
Although it, uh Could be dirtier.
let's pop a wheelie! I'm okay, keep going.
Bye.
Bring me back something.
Okay.
Hands on heads.
Check out these pictures.
These are my brothers.
Real nice guys.
I love that you're opening up to me, But I'm freaking out here! Relax, bro, I got this.
Yeah, we're being shot at real bad.
We'd love some backup.
Man : Negative.
Command can't access your info, 'cause the system's down.
You're telling me we're screwed Because your computer crashed? Say again? Idiots.
Hey, any of you fellas got a pc? That was dumb.
? thunderstruck ? thunderstruck All right, which one of you idiots denied my backup? Oh, shoot, you're old.
Like larry king in camo.
I can't punch larry king.
I'm also a colonel.
You signed on to get shot at, So get out of my face, candy-ass.
Huh.
Maybe I can punch larry king.
? thunderstruck Suddenly, I'm thinking consequences.
? yeah, yeah, thunderstruck Way to go, dumbass.
You lost a rank and got booted stateside, Some rear detachment unit in florida.
Rear d? Those guys aren't even real soldiers.
All they do is wash tanks and mow lawns.
My brothers are in rear d.
Wait a second.
Florida? Oh, hell, no.
This is so stupid.
We look like a couple of groupies At a one direction concert.
Thank god I talked you out of flowers.
You didn't.
I got him some carnations.
They're man flowers.
There's no such thing as man flowers.
Yeah, there are.
Is that glitter? Yeah, he just got back from war, So yeah, it's glitter.
Hold this.
Wow.
Hey, brother.
Hey, randy.
What's up, less handsome brother? How's uncle sam's favorite nephew? Oh, cool, you're still a dick.
Here we go, boys.
Randy, stop.
You know I hate that.
No, no.
Hand-head is how we've said "I love you" since we were kids, So give me this, because we haven't been together in a year And I'm happy pete didn't get blown up.
Well, I almost got blown up.
But you were never scared, right? I mean, I was scared for you, But I'd think about you not being scared, And then I wouldn't be so scared anymore.
There's been a lot of this.
Okay.
Randy? Uh-huh? People were shooting At me every day.
Of course I was scared.
I shouldn't have said that.
Now I have to reevaluate how I felt.
Yeah, I'm actually getting really scared again.
No, no, you can't retroactively be scared.
The human body doesn't work that way.
Mine does, okay? It's coming in a wave.
I've literally been home a minute, I already broke randy.
Come here, buddy.
Here you go.
hand-head.
Yeah.
Upswing.
Thanks, pete.
Feel better? So much better.
Yeah.
I got him.
Oh, you don't want some of this? Nope.
Oh, come here, man.
Enlisted S01E01 Pilot I served with your father for half my life.
When he died, I swore I'd look after you and your brothers.
Aw Don't "aw," damn it! You were the only hill brother that wasn't a screwup.
Derrick's got no respect, hates being a soldier.
Where's my motorcycle, boy?! Come on, where could I hide A bright yellow motorcycle? It was in the tree.
And randy loves being a soldier.
I can aim by sight alone.
Which is too bad.
Boo-ya! Do I have to pay for that? When do you get to the part about them being screwups? Shut up.
I didn't lose a foot in a land mine To hear you talk junk.
Have we ever talked without you Bringing up your fake foot? When your foot gets Blown off, you can bring it up whenever you like.
You get it's weird it's a white guy's foot.
My size only comes in white.
Okay, I can't be stuck in rear d.
It's for the guys who can't cut it.
I'm in rear d.
Let me back up.
Rear d maintains the base And supports the families of deployed soldiers.
It's an important job.
Totally agree.
Now, how do I get out of it? You don't.
I'm being wasted here! This is insane! How did it go from him yelling at me? I'm yelling at him.
This is me we're talking about, all right? 3.
5 million taxpayer dollars Went into training the specimen you see before you.
specimen? In afghanistan, I led over 100 raids on insurgent camps.
I caught a grenade and threw it back at the guy.
You want to know who killed bin laden? Okay, it wasn't me, but it was a guy very much like me.
This is a little bell I ring When someone's being a total ass.
I'm just trying to make a point.
Oh, I get your point.
You're bruce willis in die hard.
Van damme in expendables 2.
Is that really the van damme movie you're gonna go with? You got timecop, kickboxer Your mission is here.
You got war games coming up with an italian platoon.
That is more like it.
More important, You gotta find this dog asap.
That is way less like it.
Come on.
Name's bogie.
Belongs to one of the families on the base.
And this Is his favorite toy.
Come on, pete, we're giving you a tour of the base! Stop banging on the window, idiot.
Come on, I'm gonna show you where we eat.
Do you ever not shout? Can I please go back to war? ? ay, me gusta that booty This is the opposite of an army commercial.
Yeah, son! I don't know why I said that so excited, But it's pretty cool we're here together, right? Uh, that's a complicated answer, buddy.
Yeah.
I too am thrilled, pete.
I mean, to think just yesterday I was washing a tank Without getting your take on it.
Dude, the only thing that stinks is that we never get To drive these babies.
Someday.
I doubt it.
That should've been bolted on.
? me gusta that booty Private sanchez.
You too busy listening to awful music To fix your humvee, like I asked? How many push-ups should he do, guys? 25? Do we have 50? A hundie? How about 1,000? What? 1,000? Well, that's just insane.
150, and thank you for getting "me gusta that booty" stuck in my head.
All right, go.
Hi there.
I am sergeant perez.
Well, hello there.
I know it seems like she's being nice, but she Hates us and she's about to say something mean.
No.
I head up the other rear d unit here The one not full of rejects and mental patients.
Spot on, sergeant.
So mean, man.
Yeah.
Yeah, mean.
Very well done.
Look, if cody wants you three idiots here, It's fine with me.
Just keep your unit out of my unit's way.
"unit.
" See, my platoon is full of bright, dedicated soldiers.
I'll put my privates up against your privates any old day.
seriously? That was my fault.
I'm sorry.
I'm not a huge fan of double entendres, But this has been a fun exchange.
Point is, I'm a dedicated soldier.
Got a little chip on your shoulder, huh? Uh, it's actually In my shoulder.
It's from a grenade-- hurts when it rains.
Also when I move my arm in any direction.
Ah Wow.
Well I think there's something here.
I'm feeling it.
There's not.
Sanchez, you can have a little music.
Here you go.
Boy, that never happens.
That's never happened as far as I know.
Let's go meet your platoon, huh? These guys? Bradley! Cooper! Bradley! Cooper! Did he say "bradley cooper"? I don't want to kill bradley cooper.
It's just a rhythm thing.
Bradley! Cooper! Bradley! Cooper! Yah! Bradley cooper! Bradley cooper! What is he What are you doing? Bradley cooper, bradley cooper He's actually gotten much better.
Do I have to pay for that? I am so screwed.
I've killed bradley cooper.
Good morning.
I'm sergeant hill.
Yeah! Pete hill in the house! Stop being his hype man.
He just got back from war, And he's nervous.
In afghanistan, I led over 100 raids on insurgent camps.
If anyone can make you real soldiers, it's me.
Now, to start with, this unit doesn't even have a motto.
A motto embodies the spirit of the unit! Shh.
Ooh, how about, "give me back Those cds you borrowed, brian.
" That's not a motto.
But it does need to be said.
Let's talk about your appearance.
Now, we've got a weight issue In this general area here.
We do.
Yeah, we do! Stop.
Stop that.
What's your name? Corporal george chubowski.
Chubowski? Wow.
Okay, you can't change.
It'd be weird if you weren't big.
No one likes an ironic name! For the love of all things holy, Shut up, randy! Inside voice, boo-boo.
Listen up! Our mission is to find a dog.
But we can skip that, unless that dog has been trained By the taliban at a doggie madrasa.
hmm? It's an arabic learning institution.
You know what? Never mind.
What we're gonna do instead Is focus on war games, Which is way cooler than looking for a dog.
Now, let's go find a great soldier Inside of each one of you.
Two, three.
Seven! One, two, three.
Eight! One, two, three.
One! I don't even know what that is.
Three! One, two, three.
Four! One, two, three.
Five! One, two, three! Six! Why you throwing elbows, cindy?! I'm going through a divorce! let's go! I don't need your help! Your back's like memory foam! Your hand's inside of me.
Dear god.
How does that even happen? Actually, this is the furthest I've gotten.
Of course it is.
A little help.
So it turns out there was not a great soldier Inside of each of you.
Except for park, who I'm now afraid of.
Thank you.
'sup, grunts? You pete? I'm sergeant hill.
Oh I don't have to do that.
That's wallace.
He's a civilian contractor From the washington, district of columbia.
You don't have to say the whole thing.
I do, out of respect.
Dc, randy.
I manage the big money operations around here, brah.
I coord, I liase.
Wow.
I've never disliked somebody so quickly before.
It's exhilarating.
It's columbia.
I hate him more than you.
I also set up the war games, and the The italians, they don't like losing.
Those guys are stunning.
Hi! Hey.
How you doing? I love you.
Later, goon platoon.
I am not gonna lose to that douche And those hairless bastards.
Great speech, patton.
You just got yourself An hour looking for the dog.
What? You said that was a stupid idea, And for once I agreed with you.
Two hours.
Dobkiss! Stop poking him with a stick.
Why? Yeah! First beer together in a year! So, did you find bogie? No, I didn't, But I found a basset hound named reggie.
We solved some crimes together.
Are you serious? No.
Look, you can be our boss During the day, okay? But at night, let's just be Three brothers having a drink.
Please? Mm-hmm! Yeah.
That reminds me, we went to Medieval times for my birthday.
It was so badass.
It was so embarrassing, but still Cheers to it.
No, it wasn't.
We would've told you about it if you'd ever contacted us.
I remember his birthday.
I was in afghanistan.
Oh, where? Afghanistan? Am I Am I saying it right? Yeah, that's right.
Anyway, this ied blew up a bad guy.
His socks were hanging on the telephone wire.
Blown clean off.
Oh, boy.
Here comes the wave again, guys.
Sorry to ruin our first Upswing.
Okay.
Oh, hand-head All right, well, this isn't weird.
I'm gonna go watch, uh, the hurt locker to cheer myself up.
I gotta go, too.
Booty calls.
It's a play on "duty calls," But with "booty.
" yeah, randy, I got it.
Yeah.
You got it? I knew you'd get that.
Perez : Doesn't mean anything.
This is the only open seat, so You sure you don't want to go sit with them? How much to drink all the wax in this candle? Yes, I have ten dollars on that.
I'm good.
Look, I, um I'm sorry About earlier.
It's just that I worked Really hard to get To a position that was basically Handed to you as a consolation prize.
Got a little chip on your shoulder, huh? Yes.
Big old nacho chip.
Wh-what now? Wow, I shouldn't have said that.
It's not because you're hispanic.
I-I thought it was gonna be funny, But it just came out hateful.
Want to keep Keep going? Stop talking.
I'll wait.
I don't belong here.
You want to know why I keep doing it? Because I love being a soldier.
Cheers.
Cheers.
All right, I got 30 shots Of the worst tequila in the house.
Who's with me? Oh! Hey! Chill with the drinking.
You got to be up at 6:00 a.
M.
Oh, my god, stop acting like my boss all the time.
Hey, randy, can you believe him? Randy can't believe you.
Hey, I-I got an idea.
Listen.
Let's run the flag, all right? Every time my brother's A huge buzz kill, let's do a shot.
I'm just being an adult.
Red, halt! You're gonna regret this.
White! I could drink you all under the table.
I am just choosing not to! Blue! This is the face of a proud american soldier.
Come on, guys! We got to get serious.
If you're gonna be a bear, be a what? Ooh, a panda bear.
No, you're supposed to say grizzly.
Pandas are very powerful.
They can tear apart bamboo with their teeth.
The point is be the strongest bear.
With all due respect, pandas are very powerful.
They can tear apart bamboo with their teeth.
Right, I get that.
Panda's my spirit animal.
Does it have to be a bear? Can it be a kitty? It should be a scorpion with two tails.
What about three tails? That's stupid.
Oh, god.
Hey! Where the hell are you going? To bed.
I'm hungover.
Get back in line, soldier! This isn't afghanistan.
We're in florida, okay? This is rear d.
We suck.
Hey, guys, that could be our motto.
We suck! Hooah! Bradley cooper! Not now, cindy! That was very good though.
Guys, let's just knock off the negativity, please! Even if we do suck.
And, derrick, support your brother.
Why? Look, he's just here To get his stripe back so he can leave again.
Maybe I am! Because maybe I'm better than this.
What, I should just stick around Turn into a drunk with no future? Now you knock off the negativity.
God, this is getting so negative! Hey, pete just cares about pete, okay? Why do you think we never heard from him when he was overseas? I'm sorry I was too busy getting shot at every day To worry about randy's stupid birthday! Well, I'm sorry I'm a giant screwup and randy turned Into the worst soldier in the history of the army! Ow! Hey! One large guillotine coming up, homeboy! I'm gonna rear naked choke you right now! Stop using with the stupid mma terms! Never! You said you didn't care about my birthday! Rear naked choke hold! Gonna get you in your sleep.
You're rear naked choking me! Ooh! Why are you punching their faces, pete? Don't punch their faces! To be honest, uncle sergeant major cody, it all started When pete said he was stronger than a panda bear.
What? I never said I was stronger Than a panda bear.
You're not.
I mean, sure, I could probably choke out a baby panda.
Why would you do that? It's a baby! Choking out a baby panda.
The fur is so soft and supple.
get out.
Get out! Not you, pete.
We got to talk.
What, are you gonna hit me with that? Oh, no, this is for my daughter's boyfriend, da'quan.
I don't trust boys with apostrophes in their names.
He's gonna pull up in my driveway, And I'm gonna turn his little ass around.
Got pretty banged up over there, huh? Nah, let me see, uh Concussion, shrapnel in my back, Busted wrist, but still I just I feel guilty I'm not over there.
I know, son.
But taking care of the people Left behind is important.
Oh, sure, sometimes we find lost dogs.
But if someone falls, It's our job to tell the family.
Soldiers who do our job Showed up at your house once.
Your father was a good man.
Yeah, he was.
So start acting like him.
Your troops need to know that you're one of them.
Your brothers, too.
oh, hell no.
Take your ass back to kinko's, You 20-year-old bastard! I love being a dad.
What's up with him? He felt bad about letting you down, So he did an hour of jumping jacks.
I don't know if you've ever seen a grown man cry While doing jumping jacks.
It sounds funny; it's just sad.
All right, look.
I'm sorry I didn't keep In touch.
I guess I thought about what could happen, like with dad, And figured If I was distant it would be easier on you guys.
I was wrong.
Yeah, well, it felt like you didn't need us, you dick.
You know, I mean, we're all we've got, so Okay, this is way too heavy for randy to hear, but, uh You want to know how much I needed you guys? You see these? I put these on here.
And whenever I felt like I wasn't gonna make it, I'd look at them.
So you guys would be the last thing that I see.
You're right.
That's way too heavy for randy.
I'm sorry I disappointed you, pete.
Oh, god, that's even sadder than you said.
Well actually now-now it is kind of funny.
Everyone just relax.
That's too much.
Now, I owe you guys an apology.
I've been acting like I'm the only winner in the middle of a bunch of losers.
Well, guess what? I am a loser, too.
Thought he was going the other way with that.
I'm just like you guys are.
A letdown.
A disappointment to everyone I know.
This is a terrible apology.
But we don't have to be losers.
Do you want to lose to that guy? We can beat them.
Who do you see when you look in the mirror? Daffy duck.
I have a picture Of him taped to my mirror.
Okay, what-what do you see next to daffy duck? Ryan gosling.
And next to him, it's another picture Of ryan gosling but in this one He's got two kittens.
You see you! You, chubowski, all of us, we're all soldiers In the army of the United States.
Who cares if we're the ones that nobody else wants? We don't need them.
We have each other now.
We're here together.
We'll train together, we'll fight together.
And we'll take care of each other.
We're all we've got.
We're brothers.
I wish we had a motto to shout.
We do.
We're brothers.
We are brothers! Who are we? We are brothers! Who are we? We are brothers! Who are we? We are brothers! Let's go kick some ass! Yeah! This should take the italians about five minutes.
What the hell is that? ? thunderstruck ? thunderstruck This is the best day of my life! Yeah! ? ooh, thunderstruck thunder Move, move, move, move, move! Come on, guys, just like we practiced.
Okay, good shot.
thunder ? I was caught We too late for the fun? What are you doing here? I told you, I love being a soldier.
Plus it's always fun seeing wallace freak out.
I am so texting the general.
All right, let's do this.
Let's do this.
Take the wall, chubowski! thunder ? my mind raced ? and I thought Go! there was no help, no help from you thunder Where's my golf cart? ? the thunder of guns ? tore me apart Aw, man.
Darn it.
I want my money back.
It was We had a whole, really cool boyz n the hood thing.
No, we did not Yeah, we did.
We're not boys and we're not in the hood.
We're actually gonna win this thing.
What do you got, brother? I'm seeing a dog.
What? It's frigging bogie.
We can't go get him Without the italians taking us out.
What are we gonna do, brother? Come on, italians.
Beat these losers.
Pete.
Pete? form up and follow me.
What? Here, bogie.
maybe they'll give us a time out.
here, bogie Please! Stop, italians, we're being noble! aw! Medic! Yes! This is so lame, man.
I know, we were about to win.
I can't believe I came to help and everything And you pulled this.
Oh, my god! He's so cute! Wow! Whoa! Choosing a dog over victory.
Way to go, rear dummies.
Okay, that's it.
I got your back, sarge.
Bradley cooper! Ooh! Oh, way better than a punch.
Really nice work.
Such a good soldier.
So precise, cindy.
Thank you.
Okay.
Let's go give this guy back.
Come on.
Guys! Bogie! Aw, thank you! Their dad's overseas And we miss him so much.
Bogie reminds us of him.
Thank you.
Well, this is what we do.
You see? Those kids are like us.
We get it, randy.
The image is very clear.
'cause there's brothers and there's three of them.
Got it, buddy.
Thank you.
There you go.
You did a good thing.
You'll get to do a lot more good things like that.
After you wash that tank.
Come on, the tank? Really? It's our job.
Although it, uh Could be dirtier.
let's pop a wheelie! I'm okay, keep going.