Evening Shade s01e01 Episode Script
601 - A Day in the Life of Wood Newton
It's morning in Evening Shade.
People are beginning to stir.
I'm Ponder Blue, and this is Blue's Barbecue Villa, I found my thrill home of the hottest sauce and the oldest jukebox in Arkansas.
On Blueberry Hill And this is Nub Oliver, stacking newspapers, On Blueberry Hill some of which will go by bicycle today, and others by chariot of fire.
When I found you After his route, Nub usually stops by my place for a soda pop and plays The moon stood still his favorite song, B-5 "Blueberry Hill.
" On Blueberry Hill The only other person in Evening Shade who has a thing for B-5 is Coach Wood Newton.
And lingered until He used to play some pretty mean ball for the Pittsburgh Steelers, but hasn't won a game around here My dreams came true since I can't remember when.
Lots of folks are disappointed, but nobody more The wind in the willow than this man, Wood Newton's father-in-law, Played love's sweet melody who owns and runs our local paper.
Mr.
Evan, who is a widower, doesn't care so much about sports.
But all of those vows you made He's just mad that Wood married and carried off his only daughter Were never to be when she was only 18.
As a matter of fact, it happened 15 years ago today, Though we're apart Wood Newton's birthday.
This is Miss Ava, mother of the Wood Newton children You're part of me still and local candidate for prosecuting attorney.
And this is my sister, Miss Francis Blue, For you were my thrill who looks after Mr.
Evan and whose son, R.
C.
, is the only person from Evening Shade On Blueberry Hill to have ever recorded an actual record.
We may be happy and just don't know it.
The wind in the willow played They say there's not a lot to see in a small town, Love's sweet melody but what you hear makes up for it.
But all of those vows Well, at last night's game, You made you could see plenty.
For example, there was our local stripper, Were only to be Miss Fontana Beausoleil, who streaked across the football field Though we're apart as a protest against Mrs.
Wood Newton for threatening to run her out of business if elected.
You're a part of me still And here is a picture of Wood and the lovely Fontana in this morning's Argus, For you were my thrill just in time to greet Ava's Aunt Frieda, On Blueberry Hill who basically serves, with distinction, as Wood Newton's mother-in-law.
It's a shame all this For you were my thrill had to happen today, Wood Newton's birthday, On Blueberry Hill.
Wood Newton's wedding anniversary, and on top of everything else, the game didn't go so well, either.
Forty-five to six.
I bet Dad's in a bad mood this morning.
Why should he be in a bad mood? We always lose.
Yeah, but not by that much, and it's his birthday.
He should've tried to score a few extra points for his birthday.
Right, Molly.
Grandpa, on my paper route this morning, I didn't miss one porch.
Chip off the old block.
Your mother used to fire 'em within an inch of the front door without waking people up.
$3.
15, $3.
16 Where is this boy getting all this change? $3.
17 He found it under the bleachers last night after the game.
$3.
18, $3.
19 He uses a metal detector $3.
20.
and then Dad's old car vacuum to suck it up.
He's made about $25.
Well, that's amazing.
Boy, I cannot believe this picture of Daddy and the lovely Fontana.
Grandpa, did you put this in the paper? I certainly did not.
That was the sports editor.
She sure does have a big-looking chest.
What do you know about big-looking chests? Not very much.
Just what I thought.
All right now, that's enough.
Let's get this conversation on a higher plane.
You should be filling your minds with great literature and music and art, not sitting around counting money and discussing women's underwear.
That's what's wrong with our entire educational system.
You don't know anything about what you should know.
What you do know is way too much about nothing.
Hey, Grandpa, you got any granola? No, I don't have any granola.
I don't even know what it is.
What's wrong with the stuff we have? I went to the store and got it myself.
Here, why don't you try some of these Dolly Madison cupcakes? She was the wife of one of our presidents.
Mom doesn't like us to have sugar.
Oh, horseradish! I'm tired of hearing about sugar.
I've been eating it all my life.
Let me tell you sugar will propel ya.
It got me where I am today.
Good morning.
What's going on? Grandpa said it was your day off.
I thought you were going for your dialysis.
Oh, I already had that this week.
You see how much you listen? I cannot believe that you have on that raggedy old shirt again.
I swear, I'm gonna throw that thing out.
This is a good shirt.
This is my Saturday shirt.
You leave this shirt alone.
Ho, ho.
You've got that ball.
Now really go.
Hey, hey Nub Oliver, don't you track up my carport with that dirty old wagon.
Hey, Mr.
Evan, do you want me to take extra papers downtown today? With that picture of Coach, I bet they go like hotcakes.
No, just the usual amount, Nub.
Okey-doke.
Hey, Nub, how long did your route take you this morning? About 12 minutes.
See ya, girlie.
Boy, that's fast.
Could that be true? Could be.
He's riding on a chariot of fire.
Miss Francis, who is that present for? Oh, this is just a little something for your mom and daddy's anniversary, darling.
Why do we have to stay here every anniversary? Because they like to have breakfast in bed and be alone.
So they can kiss and hug.
I don't like the way you kids talk.
I bet they're kissing right now.
Did you deliver a paper out there this morning? Yes, ma'am.
I'll bet they're not.
The next time your wife is running for prosecuting attorney, and one of the key campaign issues is whether or not she is serious about closing down a stripper who violates city zoning laws, I think it would be real smart of you not to get your picture in the paper with said stripper, okay? I didn't have any control over that.
The woman was doing She practically knocked me down.
Besides, she's top heavy.
And I also think that since, uh, number one, you are my husband, and-and number two, the election's in four weeks, and number three, it is against the law to jog around town without your clothes on Mm.
that it was at best inappropriate for you to say, and I quote, "She certainly hasn't hurt attendance any.
"Considering the score, I was pretty glad to see her coming down the track.
" Do you really think that was a helpful remark? Might have been a little flip.
Huh.
The truth is, you don't want me to be prosecuting attorney, do you? No, Ava, we've been through all this.
I'm a football coach in the state of Arkansas, and I have not won a game in two-and-a-half years.
Every nice person in this town hates me.
I didn't think we needed all the criminals hating you, too, but, hey, if you want that, let's go for it.
Let's make a clean sweep.
Let's be the most hated family in America.
Hello! Yeah, she's right here.
Hello? Oh, hi.
They did? Okay.
Yeah, thanks for calling.
Who was that? Harlan's nurse.
The lab just called with my test results.
Mm.
I'm pregnant.
That's impossible.
You couldn't possibly be pregnant.
Honey, you couldn't possibly be pregnant.
Why does this have to happen now? Just when I finally get Will into kindergarten, and-and I'm trying to start this whole new career.
You did this on purpose.
Let me remind you of something, okay? I had a vasectomy.
A vasectomy.
How could you possibly be pregnant? I was just about to ask you the same thing.
Come on! I'm the guy that put up the posters.
I had my tubes tied, remember? I did it all for you.
What are you mad at me for? How do I know you had a vasectomy? What? I don't know.
Maybe you conveniently forgot.
Forgot? Oh, yeah, I forgot.
I forgot, lying there with my pants pulled down, and four people standing over me laughing and talking.
I forgot about the ten-inch knife and the needle the size of basketball pump.
It'd be easy to forget, you know? You could forget that as easy as being circumcised at a pep rally.
Stop screaming.
I am not screaming.
You want to hear screaming? This is screaming! I just can't believe it! A couple of hours ago, I was sleeping peacefully in this bed, and now, here I am, pregnant, and you're on the front page of the newspaper, supporting the lovely Fontana! You are not pregnant.
I'm not What are you talking about? I'm I don't support her.
I don't even know her.
I I don't even like her.
Hello? Coach Newton? Yeah? This is Fontana Beausoleil.
Uh-huh.
I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate all those nice things you said about me in the paper, and to let you know, I will find a way to repay you.
You don't owe me a thing.
Ask, and it's yours.
All righty.
Well, thanks a lot for calling.
Who was that? Just business.
Look, I don't understand why why you took a pregnancy test when you know you can't get pregnant.
It was just a feeling.
You said it yourself I look chubby.
Chubby? No, I never said chubby.
I said voluptuous.
You always look voluptuous to me.
Come on, don't cry.
I hate it when you cry.
You almost never cry.
Who's that? I don't know.
The way things are going, I would say it's someone here to rob us and strip us and leave us for dead.
Now when he gets here, I'll do the talking, Mr.
Stiles.
He's probably going to be expecting someone with a little more experience, but we'll convince him you're the one.
Okay.
Hi, Margaret.
What are you doing here? Well, in case you forgot, I am your principal, and you asked me to let you know when the money came through for an assistant coach.
Well, it came through, and he's the one.
M- Mr.
Stiles is the math teacher.
Hi, Herman.
How you doin'? I'm fine, thank you.
Well, he is, but we only received $400 for the position, and he's the only one who'll take it.
It's $400 a year.
Anyway, Mr.
Stiles is gonna help you on his free period and after school.
I- I wouldn't have bothered you on a Saturday, but, uh, I think, after last night's score, this qualifies as an emergency.
Well, Herman, I guess you know a little bit about football, huh? No.
But I've been to some games.
I'm starting to pick up the lingo.
Good.
Why, he didn't know anything about industrial arts, either, and he taught that last year.
Now he can screw bolts and stain wood like crazy.
Okey-dokey.
Well, I'll see you next week.
Okey-dokey.
And don't you worry, Coach.
When we meet the opposing team on Friday, we'll crush their guts.
Okay.
Well, we'll set up a time when I see you.
All right, bye.
Who was that? Neal Heck.
He's following me around all day doing a story for the campaign.
Okay, I'm gonna call Harlan right now and get this whole thing straightened out.
Wood What? I've had three children.
I know I'm pregnant.
If Harlan gave you a vasectomy, then obviously, it-it didn't work.
I'm gonna kill that guy.
going fishing with him.
He never could tie a knot! All right, that's coming out of the wall.
Say good-bye to the phone.
Say good-bye.
Hello? Wood Newton? Yes.
I was just sitting here and reading in the morning paper about what a big fool you have made of yourself by endorsing the public exhibitionism of some over-peroxided, white trash, melon-farm escapee named Fontana Beausoleil, whose entire family also happens to be white trash, not to mention having 400 used cars in their front yard and naming all their babies after movie stars.
Now just what do you have to say for yourself? I'm sorry.
I don't talk to women whose voices are lower than mine.
Who was that? Well, it was either Louis Armstrong calling from hell, or your aunt Frieda.
Oh, I see.
Another joke.
Come on, Ava.
Well, I've had enough of this anniversary.
Don't forget, you promised to take the kids to buy new tennis shoes.
Since it's a tradition, I suppose I will see you at your birthday dinner tonight.
In the meantime, I'll be out campaigning all day with a reporter by my side, and I have just one request: Don't you or your little athletic supporter come anywhere near us.
Happy birthday! Happy anniversary to you, too, Miss Magnet Womb.
What's wrong with you, boy? 'Course I gave you a vasectomy, and a damn good one, too.
When you tied the knot, how tight did you tie it? I tied it plenty times, just like I tie all of them.
You know what you need to do? You need to relax.
Come out to Tara this weekend.
Merleen's got all new paint on the front porch columns.
Color called white linen.
Looks like a million bucks.
I don't want to come out to Tara.
I want to know what you did to the lower half of my body.
I tied your tubes, boy.
You may be virile, but you're not that virile.
Hey, you know what to do when a pit bull falls in love with your leg, huh? Act interested.
That's very funny, Harlan.
I enjoy standing here in a paper outfit, waiting to find out if my wife is pregnant while you tell pit bull jokes.
You can go ahead and get dressed.
Look I'm sure the lab probably got Ava's test mixed up with somebody else's.
Now I got my girl calling about it.
In the meantime, I'm gonna take a look at your slide here in a minute and tell you something about your sperm count.
I guess Merleen and I will be out at your birthday dinner at the Villa tonight.
Did you know some Hare Krishnas from California came through here yesterday and had lunch there? Boy, I hate to see that.
I have just one thing to say to you, Harlan.
Ava and I, we've had our babies and we love our babies, but in 15 years, they'll all be grown.
That's the way we planned it.
That's why I had a vasectomy.
Because when the last one graduates from college, I don't want to be sitting up in the bleachers wearing Pampers.
So, if indeed we really are pregnant, you're the one that screwed up.
This is your baby, not my baby.
Your baby.
And the day that he's born, I'm gonna bring him over and put him on your doorstep, and you can call him Bubba.
Bubba from Tara.
And you can feed him and you can clothe him and you can give him a car and you can worry about him.
And you can put him through a very expensive college.
Why does it have to be expensive? Because he's my son.
He'll probably do very well on the S.
A.
T.
scores, because I don't want him to grow up and be like you, a man that cannot tie a simple knot.
Seriously, talking about kids, you know what I think the problem with that team is? You got too many white boys on it.
All right, that's it.
I'm not talking to you anymore.
I'll see you in nine months.
Leave the porch light on.
I'll be coming through the woods with a basket.
I've got your slide right here.
I can tell you right now there are not gonna be any little sperms swimming around, because when I rope them off, they stay roped.
I mean, those suckers aren't gonna be swimming anywhere.
Holy cow! What is it? Looks like the summer Olympics.
Last night's defeat was the Mules' third loss this season.
Ooh-whee, stop the pain.
And now our own R.
C.
Blue's "We May Be Happy And Just Don't Know It".
And just don't know it Extra, extra.
Coach Newton loses another game but makes a new friend.
Hey, Coach, sure was a poor game last night, wasn't it? Yes, it was, Nub.
Nice shot of you, though.
I want you to take that wagon outside right now.
Hey, look at this.
I'm using all sides of my brain at once.
Wow! Hey, Nub! Hey! See ya, girlie.
Hey, hey, ho, ho, you got that ball, now really go.
So, Herman Stiles is the new assistant coach, huh? Who told you that? He was in here this morning buying a new pair of cleats.
I think he's buying a helmet, too.
Well, he'll, he'll need a helmet.
He's gonna crush some guts.
Mm.
How's that toe feel, Molly? It feels a little tight.
I'll get you a five-and-a-half.
I love too hard Hey, these feel good? I guess.
They're just shoes.
Yeah, you're right.
They're not gonna change your life or anything, are they? Hey, Dad, I've been thinking about something.
Yeah? Well, it's probably not a good time to tell you this, but, uh I'm not so sure I want to be involved with football anymore.
That's okay, son.
I'm not sure I do, either.
No, I'm serious.
I'm getting kind of worried about getting my face hurt.
You're worried about your face? Well, yeah.
Since I'm in drama and everything, the more I'm in it, the more I think I'd like to be rich and famous like a movie star.
Well, if you don't want to play football, you don't have to.
You know, just because you're the only one on the team that has any athletic ability and you'll be around for the next three years and I'm your father and the coach, don't feel any pressure there, you know.
Here you go, Mr.
Will.
Let's put your old shoes in this bag.
There you go.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
He's so cute, I hate to get him in trouble.
But did you know he was under the bleachers last night with some kind of suction device trying to get money out of people's pockets? Is that true? I only tried it on one person, and it didn't work.
You and I are gonna have a talk on the way home.
Okay, you can talk to me any time you want.
Well, thank you, son.
It's nice to know your door's always open.
Daddy? Hmm? I've decided to get these cheaper shoes since it's your birthday.
Well, at last somebody's treating me right on my birthday.
Give me a hug.
We're out of here.
Hey, Taylor.
Hey, Doc.
Hey, Will.
Hi, Doc.
Hey, Woodrow, what's going on? Well, that's just fine.
Merleen's just outside parking the Eldorado.
I know how that little grapevine down in your office works.
If one word gets out about Ava being pregnant before the election, I'm gonna take your Eldorado and wrap it around that little replica of Tara you call a mailbox.
See ya, Coach.
Keep your chin up.
Thank you, Virgil.
Gosh, I'm tired of hearing that.
I wish just once in my career, I could hear congratulations.
Congratulations! And happy, happy baby.
Happy baby! I'm telling you, this baby thing could cost her the election.
I just don't understand how this happened.
I told you I had a vasectomy, and it didn't work.
Where the heck did you get it? At Vasectomies "R" Us.
Okay, I'm not trying to get in your business, but I-I still think you could've planned a little better.
I mean, if nothing else, there's Fouch's right down there on the corner taking care of all our pharmaceutical, cosmetic and personal needs.
You know, if and when I want to discuss my pharmaceutical needs, it will not be with a person like you who wears a ratty-looking shirt like that to a birthday party.
What's wrong with this shirt? I happen to like it.
It's warm, it's friendly, it's me.
And one more thing.
Why don't you and everybody else stay out of my bedroom? Well, somebody ought to be in there with you.
You're certainly not doing a very good job on your own.
Incidentally, did you know that your youngest son has not washed his feet for days? That was your mother on the phone.
Ah.
She says she's running a little late.
Everybody seems to be running late for the 13th Annual Wood Newton Birthday Dinner.
I don't care.
Why don't we cancel the 13th Annual Wood Newton Birthday Dinner? I didn't want you to think they're not coming because you never win any football games, and nobody wants to be seen with you.
You know, I have to say it speaks incredibly well for me that in spite of your rampant unpopularity, and the fact that you married my daughter and ruined my life I am here and on time for your party.
So, where's Ava and the children anyway? She's coming in another car.
How come you didn't all ride together? She's not speaking to me.
Well, she did speak to me once.
She said, "Take the other car.
" I want to thank you for that picture in the paper today.
It just set the tone for the whole day.
Now listen.
Any time Lady Godiva jogs in public, it's news.
Extra, extra.
Two for the price of one.
Last chance Doesn't he ever take a break? Why don't you give him a milk route? Hey, Coach, congratulations on your new baby.
Push 'em back, push 'em back.
I thought that was supposed to be a secret.
Too late now, now that Geraldo Rivera on wheels has got it.
Oh, I don't care.
I'm gonna go over to the juke box and play B-5.
Milli Vanilli? "As Nasty As They Want To Be.
" "Me So Horny"? What the hell is going on here? I sold the old juke box.
You did what? I sold it.
I had to.
I got a lot of high school kids coming in here now.
Nobody liked that music.
I liked it.
I liked it.
You sold "Blueberry Hill"? I come in here every day.
I pay my taxes.
I don't need Milli Vanilli, "I Want To Be Nasty" and "Me So Horny" in my life.
Wood, I'm a businessman.
I got to go along with the new stuff that the kids like, like Madonna.
I don't believe it.
"Shop Around," "Deep Purple," "The Duke of Earl.
" That was my youth.
I didn't think my birthday could get any worse, but well, you know, it's, it's like a snowball going downhill, you know, collecting crud and slime.
It's kind of metaphysical, like a bad moon rising.
My wife isn't speaking to me, I got a football team that can't play football, I got an assistant coach that stains wood, I got a son who doesn't want to get his face hurt, I got another son whose feet stink, and he sucks money out of people's pockets, a friend who gave me a gimp vasectomy and a naked woman stalking me all over town.
I think I'll just go home and get under the bed.
Well, it's a little late for that.
If you'd been under your bed, we wouldn't be in the shape we're in today.
Well, now, look, at least the worst is over.
Wood Newton.
Maybe not.
I am so mad at you, I almost didn't bother to come here tonight, except I did not want to upset my darling Ava.
Number one, you hung up on me this morning, and number two, I have to tell you right now, no matter how much I love your children, there is no way I'm gonna be able to baby-sit this new baby.
Frieda, you have never baby-sat for us.
Well, then I must have been traveling.
Anyway, I was deeply hurt, I had to find out about this pregnancy from Imogene Eickert.
You know Imogene is like CNN always bringing the world into your living room.
You know, it's just a little funny to me how she's had that foreign exchange student from Scandinavia living there for three years.
Nobody even says a word about it.
Well, I think it's time to let that boy go home.
Here's your birthday present.
It's a copy of North Dallas Forty.
I didn't know what else to get you.
I think you gave me North Dallas Forty last year.
I don't know what you like to read.
Well, I like to read this, over and over.
You know, you're lucky I got you anything at all.
Mm? Ava could have been Attorney General of Arkansas someday, but I guess you're just gonna keep her pregnant till she's too old to run for that office.
Don't you be grinning at me.
I know how you are around her every day.
It's just, "Ugn-ugn, got to have me some of that.
" You know if you men had to have some of these babies, you'd be a lot more careful about where you park your Pontiac.
You know, Frieda, sometimes you really hurt our feelings.
We're very sensitive about our cars.
Mom, what time are we supposed to be at Dad's birthday dinner? Right now.
Molly, I can't believe you've been playing outside in your good dress.
We were building a tree house for Scout.
Who's Scout? The new baby.
We named her after the girl in To Kill a Mockingbird.
She named her.
I don't like it.
I'll just call her Girlie.
No, you're not.
That's stupid.
You all didn't say anything about the baby in front of Neal Heck, did you? No, we didn't.
Mom, why don't you want anybody to know? Because, Taylor, there's probably some people who wouldn't vote for me if they knew I was having a baby.
Why? Don't they like babies? Sure, they do.
It's just it's hard to explain.
Oh, come on, Mom, don't be upset.
Hey, we'll all help you raise her.
Yeah, and Dad will help, too.
I remember when I had the earache, he rocked me all night long.
Oh, that's right.
He did, didn't he? He rocked me, too.
But he can't sing very good, though.
You all are real happy about this baby, aren't you? Hey, I'm happy.
Are you happy? Yes.
Then how come you're crying? I guess I was happy, and I just didn't know it.
Hey, just like R.
C.
's song.
Hey, old buddy, after the gals go home tonight, we're gonna have us a little stag birthday drink, just us fellas, huh? Got something that's gonna cheer you up.
What's that, a refund? This guy's killing me.
No kidding now.
The gals and the children got to be out of here by 10:00.
I don't want any more surprises from you, Mr.
Scalpel-Meister.
You're gonna love it.
Hello, everybody.
Oh! Oh, hi, Mom.
Oh, Pauline.
Don't say anything to my mother about the baby.
I want to be the one that tells her, okay? Happy birthday, Woodrow.
Oh, thank you, Mom.
Oh, son, I'm so pleased about the new baby.
I heard it from one of Dr.
Elldridge's nurses, in Fouch's when I was getting my medicine refilled.
Evening, y'all.
Ah, well, look who's here.
How the heck are you, R.
C.
? Just fine, Mr.
Evans.
Hey, nephew! Ah! What's going on, huh? Not much, Uncle Ponder.
Hey, Coach.
Happy birthday.
Well, hey, R.
C.
What you doing here? Well, I'm here to bail you out.
They called me to come back and play for you.
That's the best news I had all day.
Speaking of football, somebody says that Herman Stiles is the new assistant football coach, and now he runs around with a little canteen filled with Gatorade.
Herman Stiles couldn't coach I'm gonna call home and see if Ava's all right.
She called.
Said she's on her way.
You know, Coach seems a little down.
Is he upset about the game last night? Nah, he'll be all right.
He's got those over the hill, my wife's off the pill and my vasectomy didn't take blues.
They're gonna have a baby? Well, I think it's just terrible this baby thing had to happen the same day that awful picture's in the paper.
Well, I don't care what anybody says.
The fact is, Fontana Beausoleil's a friend of mine, and by gosh, she's helped promote the team and helped attendance, and I'm for anything that promotes Wood and the team.
We all know what a master of promotion this guy is.
After all, he's the one who suggested that our license plates say, "Arkansas: Not As Bad As You Think.
" Well, here's the candidate of the hour now.
Get over here, girl.
You're holding up the proceedings.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I had to speak to the Jaycees, and they ran late.
Oh, would you look at this boy's profile? It's just like mine.
We ought to just put him on a float and drive him through town every Saturday.
I wish she wouldn't talk to him like that.
It makes it so much tougher for me to get him to stick his face in a 300-pound tackle's groin.
I'm sure Neal has heard about the baby by now.
I think I'll go over and do a little damage control.
Okay.
Look at this.
I'm using all sides of my brains at once.
He's been spending some quality time with Nub.
Darling.
Hi.
How are you feeling? I'm fine.
Hmm.
Neal, why don't you go on home? You've hounded this lady long enough for one day.
Oh.
What'd your mother say when you told her about the tree house? She cried.
She did? Miss Pauline, you'll have to come out to Tara and see our new pond.
We have two Styrofoam swans floating on it.
Well, I'll certainly look forward to that.
Can you beat it? Everybody in this town knows about this baby but my reporter.
This guy hasn't got a clue.
I don't know whether to be relieved or depressed.
I wouldn't worry about it.
Don't feel too bad, Coach.
You can't build a team if you ain't got the players.
Keep your chin up.
Did you see what one of them Hare Krishnas left here? You know, it's amazing to me that anybody could be happy just running around, chanting and banging a tambourine all day.
You would think they would want to get some other instruments and form a band.
All right, everybody, you got hot rib plates coming through.
All right! Ooh! Ponder's pride and joy.
Sharpen your dentures, get your elbows off the table.
We gotta the show on the road, get the ladies and the little ones on out of here.
Harlan, why are you so anxious to get rid of us? Oh, you wouldn't understand, Merleen.
It's a little surprise for Wood and the guys.
Even if Ava wasn't running against Jim Guy Puckett, I still wouldn't vote for him, 'cause he's a wimp.
And you have heard the rumor.
He had to have a spine implant.
Ha! Neal, I hope you realize my aunt is given to exaggerated hyperbole for the sake of entertainment.
Besides that, Jim Guy Puckett is a friend of mine.
Oh, Harlan, everybody's a friend of yours, from Tammy Fay Baker's personal secretary to some fool you met on a jungle boat at Pirates of the Caribbean.
You know, Frieda, in the world of pork and beans, I think you might be missing a couple of gristle cubes.
Before we begin our annual food fight, I'd like to make a toast.
Quiet, everybody! Birthday boy wants to make a speech.
Make it quick.
As you all know, it's my birthday, but it's also Ava and my anniversary.
We haven't done much celebrating yet, but, well, we'll get started now with an announcement to Neal Heck, who seems to be the only person in this town that doesn't know that we're expecting our fourth child.
Well, everybody tonight has been talking about keeping it a secret until after the election, but that's not our style.
Besides, it's too late, anyway.
The truth is that Ava and I are, um, really proud we're having this baby.
I'm glad you're writing this down, Neal, because I want everyone in this town to understand that when Taylor was born, I was playing professional football.
Ava was busy trying to track down a job and, uh, move us through a blizzard to Pittsburgh.
When Molly Dean was born, she was busy taking care of a five-year-old, working part-time and graduating second in her class at law school.
Then when our last son, Will, was born, well, it was almost on an island in the middle of the Washatau River, because she was there with So, I don't want to hear anything about a mother of four or a pregnant woman not being able to do a man's job.
I think my wife has proven that there is no such thing as a man's job, so when election day rolls around four weeks from now, I'll be the first person standing in line to cast my vote for Ava Evans Newton, the first female prosecuting attorney of Evening Shade, Arkansas, and I'll be just as proud of that as I am to be the guy that gets to take her home.
Happy anniversary, sweetheart.
Ah Hey, Harlan? You know that Fontana woman who's supposed to be inside a birthday cake that you give me ten dollars to be on the lookout for? Well, I just want to let you know she hadn't gotten here yet.
Thank you Nub.
Ava looked beautiful tonight.
Ava always looks beautiful.
And man, you are one lucky son of a gun that that Miss Fontana, or whatever her name, never showed up.
You know, Ponder, the older I get, the less I understand about anything.
I mean, how could I, Wood Newton, have a son that would rather be a movie star than play football? I don't understand it.
I'm confused, too.
Yeah? Confused about what? I'm confused about fiber.
It's way past your bedtime, Nub.
I think you ought to go on down to the newspaper.
Nah, I'm going for a spin first.
Happy birthday, Coach.
Oh, Nub, I-I can't take your money.
I know, I was just letting you look at it.
Play B-5.
Nub.
Huh? B-5 is gone.
No, it's not.
It's in the air.
You just have to pick up the sound waves.
Yeah.
Or you could order it from a record store.
You got it.
Let's go.
You know what struck me tonight? Hmm? Immortality.
I'm not gonna be immortal.
Yeah, that sort of hits when you get around 50.
Well, it hit me at 48.
I was sitting right here looking at Ava and the kids.
And I was suddenly, incredibly grateful that we were having this baby.
When's the first time you felt immortal? "Immortal"? Hmm.
Well, I I- I was a little bitty old thing in the back of my daddy's hay wagon Daddy was driving.
And the sun was bright and hot, shining right in my eye.
And I looked up and I saw my daddy's big, broad shoulders moving in and blocking out the sun.
And that's when I knew that I was going to live forever.
Yeah, your daddy was a good man.
Hmm.
My daddy was a good man, too.
Yeah.
When I was 17, you were the only one that would tell me he was dying.
Go home, Wood.
Somebody's waiting for you.
Yeah.
The sauce was a little hot tonight.
You talking about my cooking or thinking about your wife? Get some decent music here, will ya? I just cannot believe this day.
It has been a nightmare from beginning to end.
It's not enough to get from all these PTA types, but I also have to ride in the back of that filthy, stinking, beat-up, old farm truck in this ridiculous looking getup, then walk the last half mile with cow dung stuck to my new high heels after Delman's radiator blows up.
And all these redneck geeks are hanging out of their car windows screaming and yelling at me.
I mean just because I'm a striptease artist doesn't mean I don't have any feelings.
I know exactly how you feel.
I've had the same kind of day.
What happened here? Oh! One of my shingles fell off.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Where did you get this thing? Herman Stiles made it for me.
He used to teach shop at the high school.
I don't think she's got on anything under there.
Oh, you, you want a jacket? You're probably freezing.
I can't get it on.
And now I don't have any way home.
Uh, I'll, I'll give you a ride home.
I can't fit inside a car.
Nub! Nub, what are you doing back here? I forgot to tell Coach something.
What is it? You know that lady that was supposed to be dressed like a cake? I never could find her.
Thank you, Nub.
I saw her outside, but I figured that was supposed to be a hat.
You want another ten dollars? Okay, if you're sure you don't want it anymore.
I want you to take the lovely Fontana in your chariot all the way to her house, and I want you to treat her like a princess.
Okeydoke.
Come on.
Here we go.
Easy does it.
That's it.
Nice and easy.
Uh, your cape, ma'am.
Thank you.
You guys are really sweet.
Hey, look at this.
I'm using all my motor skills.
Forgot to tell you there was entertainment, too.
Did you know when you were the big football star in college, and I was just a little newsboy, that when you'd come home on vacation I would purposefully throw the newspaper at your window just for the thrill of waking you up? Boy, I'm glad to see you.
What are you doing out here? Waiting for my husband.
We still have 30 minutes of our anniversary left.
You're not mad at me anymore? I decided it's not your fault your vasectomy didn't work and that you attract wild and crazy women.
After all, you attracted me.
Yeah.
I'm not sure it's proper for a future prosecuting attorney to be out on a front porch in a see-through nightgown.
Well, I can't let Fontana Beausoleil have all the fun.
I loved your speech.
And my name carved in wood.
Wood.
I think this is how we got in trouble in the first place.
It's not gonna be easy having four kids.
When you look like this, I just want to be worthy of you.
I don't know why or how.
This morning I was in shock.
Now, I want this baby more than anything else in the world.
And I know you want it, too.
I want all the babies you've got.
Can we go inside now? Not until you open your present.
What present? The one they couldn't get through the front door.
I bought it from Ponder.
He tore up the check.
You don't have to say it.
You don't have to say anything at all.
I found my thrill On Blueberry Hill On Blueberry Hill NUB Hey, hey, ho, ho.
You got that ball, now really go.
Hey, hey, ho, ho.
You've got that ball, now really go.
The moon stood still On Blueberry Hill And so another birthday passes.
Wood Newton loses a football game, but gains a jukebox and a baby.
Not a bad trade, if you think about it.
And even more important, there's Will and Molly and Taylor, who in years to come will no doubt reflect on their own remembered moment of immortality as they watched their parents dance and twirl on an old front porch in the pale moonlight on a warm September night in a place called Evening Shade.
I found my thrill On Blueberry Hill On Blueberry Hill When I found you.
People are beginning to stir.
I'm Ponder Blue, and this is Blue's Barbecue Villa, I found my thrill home of the hottest sauce and the oldest jukebox in Arkansas.
On Blueberry Hill And this is Nub Oliver, stacking newspapers, On Blueberry Hill some of which will go by bicycle today, and others by chariot of fire.
When I found you After his route, Nub usually stops by my place for a soda pop and plays The moon stood still his favorite song, B-5 "Blueberry Hill.
" On Blueberry Hill The only other person in Evening Shade who has a thing for B-5 is Coach Wood Newton.
And lingered until He used to play some pretty mean ball for the Pittsburgh Steelers, but hasn't won a game around here My dreams came true since I can't remember when.
Lots of folks are disappointed, but nobody more The wind in the willow than this man, Wood Newton's father-in-law, Played love's sweet melody who owns and runs our local paper.
Mr.
Evan, who is a widower, doesn't care so much about sports.
But all of those vows you made He's just mad that Wood married and carried off his only daughter Were never to be when she was only 18.
As a matter of fact, it happened 15 years ago today, Though we're apart Wood Newton's birthday.
This is Miss Ava, mother of the Wood Newton children You're part of me still and local candidate for prosecuting attorney.
And this is my sister, Miss Francis Blue, For you were my thrill who looks after Mr.
Evan and whose son, R.
C.
, is the only person from Evening Shade On Blueberry Hill to have ever recorded an actual record.
We may be happy and just don't know it.
The wind in the willow played They say there's not a lot to see in a small town, Love's sweet melody but what you hear makes up for it.
But all of those vows Well, at last night's game, You made you could see plenty.
For example, there was our local stripper, Were only to be Miss Fontana Beausoleil, who streaked across the football field Though we're apart as a protest against Mrs.
Wood Newton for threatening to run her out of business if elected.
You're a part of me still And here is a picture of Wood and the lovely Fontana in this morning's Argus, For you were my thrill just in time to greet Ava's Aunt Frieda, On Blueberry Hill who basically serves, with distinction, as Wood Newton's mother-in-law.
It's a shame all this For you were my thrill had to happen today, Wood Newton's birthday, On Blueberry Hill.
Wood Newton's wedding anniversary, and on top of everything else, the game didn't go so well, either.
Forty-five to six.
I bet Dad's in a bad mood this morning.
Why should he be in a bad mood? We always lose.
Yeah, but not by that much, and it's his birthday.
He should've tried to score a few extra points for his birthday.
Right, Molly.
Grandpa, on my paper route this morning, I didn't miss one porch.
Chip off the old block.
Your mother used to fire 'em within an inch of the front door without waking people up.
$3.
15, $3.
16 Where is this boy getting all this change? $3.
17 He found it under the bleachers last night after the game.
$3.
18, $3.
19 He uses a metal detector $3.
20.
and then Dad's old car vacuum to suck it up.
He's made about $25.
Well, that's amazing.
Boy, I cannot believe this picture of Daddy and the lovely Fontana.
Grandpa, did you put this in the paper? I certainly did not.
That was the sports editor.
She sure does have a big-looking chest.
What do you know about big-looking chests? Not very much.
Just what I thought.
All right now, that's enough.
Let's get this conversation on a higher plane.
You should be filling your minds with great literature and music and art, not sitting around counting money and discussing women's underwear.
That's what's wrong with our entire educational system.
You don't know anything about what you should know.
What you do know is way too much about nothing.
Hey, Grandpa, you got any granola? No, I don't have any granola.
I don't even know what it is.
What's wrong with the stuff we have? I went to the store and got it myself.
Here, why don't you try some of these Dolly Madison cupcakes? She was the wife of one of our presidents.
Mom doesn't like us to have sugar.
Oh, horseradish! I'm tired of hearing about sugar.
I've been eating it all my life.
Let me tell you sugar will propel ya.
It got me where I am today.
Good morning.
What's going on? Grandpa said it was your day off.
I thought you were going for your dialysis.
Oh, I already had that this week.
You see how much you listen? I cannot believe that you have on that raggedy old shirt again.
I swear, I'm gonna throw that thing out.
This is a good shirt.
This is my Saturday shirt.
You leave this shirt alone.
Ho, ho.
You've got that ball.
Now really go.
Hey, hey Nub Oliver, don't you track up my carport with that dirty old wagon.
Hey, Mr.
Evan, do you want me to take extra papers downtown today? With that picture of Coach, I bet they go like hotcakes.
No, just the usual amount, Nub.
Okey-doke.
Hey, Nub, how long did your route take you this morning? About 12 minutes.
See ya, girlie.
Boy, that's fast.
Could that be true? Could be.
He's riding on a chariot of fire.
Miss Francis, who is that present for? Oh, this is just a little something for your mom and daddy's anniversary, darling.
Why do we have to stay here every anniversary? Because they like to have breakfast in bed and be alone.
So they can kiss and hug.
I don't like the way you kids talk.
I bet they're kissing right now.
Did you deliver a paper out there this morning? Yes, ma'am.
I'll bet they're not.
The next time your wife is running for prosecuting attorney, and one of the key campaign issues is whether or not she is serious about closing down a stripper who violates city zoning laws, I think it would be real smart of you not to get your picture in the paper with said stripper, okay? I didn't have any control over that.
The woman was doing She practically knocked me down.
Besides, she's top heavy.
And I also think that since, uh, number one, you are my husband, and-and number two, the election's in four weeks, and number three, it is against the law to jog around town without your clothes on Mm.
that it was at best inappropriate for you to say, and I quote, "She certainly hasn't hurt attendance any.
"Considering the score, I was pretty glad to see her coming down the track.
" Do you really think that was a helpful remark? Might have been a little flip.
Huh.
The truth is, you don't want me to be prosecuting attorney, do you? No, Ava, we've been through all this.
I'm a football coach in the state of Arkansas, and I have not won a game in two-and-a-half years.
Every nice person in this town hates me.
I didn't think we needed all the criminals hating you, too, but, hey, if you want that, let's go for it.
Let's make a clean sweep.
Let's be the most hated family in America.
Hello! Yeah, she's right here.
Hello? Oh, hi.
They did? Okay.
Yeah, thanks for calling.
Who was that? Harlan's nurse.
The lab just called with my test results.
Mm.
I'm pregnant.
That's impossible.
You couldn't possibly be pregnant.
Honey, you couldn't possibly be pregnant.
Why does this have to happen now? Just when I finally get Will into kindergarten, and-and I'm trying to start this whole new career.
You did this on purpose.
Let me remind you of something, okay? I had a vasectomy.
A vasectomy.
How could you possibly be pregnant? I was just about to ask you the same thing.
Come on! I'm the guy that put up the posters.
I had my tubes tied, remember? I did it all for you.
What are you mad at me for? How do I know you had a vasectomy? What? I don't know.
Maybe you conveniently forgot.
Forgot? Oh, yeah, I forgot.
I forgot, lying there with my pants pulled down, and four people standing over me laughing and talking.
I forgot about the ten-inch knife and the needle the size of basketball pump.
It'd be easy to forget, you know? You could forget that as easy as being circumcised at a pep rally.
Stop screaming.
I am not screaming.
You want to hear screaming? This is screaming! I just can't believe it! A couple of hours ago, I was sleeping peacefully in this bed, and now, here I am, pregnant, and you're on the front page of the newspaper, supporting the lovely Fontana! You are not pregnant.
I'm not What are you talking about? I'm I don't support her.
I don't even know her.
I I don't even like her.
Hello? Coach Newton? Yeah? This is Fontana Beausoleil.
Uh-huh.
I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate all those nice things you said about me in the paper, and to let you know, I will find a way to repay you.
You don't owe me a thing.
Ask, and it's yours.
All righty.
Well, thanks a lot for calling.
Who was that? Just business.
Look, I don't understand why why you took a pregnancy test when you know you can't get pregnant.
It was just a feeling.
You said it yourself I look chubby.
Chubby? No, I never said chubby.
I said voluptuous.
You always look voluptuous to me.
Come on, don't cry.
I hate it when you cry.
You almost never cry.
Who's that? I don't know.
The way things are going, I would say it's someone here to rob us and strip us and leave us for dead.
Now when he gets here, I'll do the talking, Mr.
Stiles.
He's probably going to be expecting someone with a little more experience, but we'll convince him you're the one.
Okay.
Hi, Margaret.
What are you doing here? Well, in case you forgot, I am your principal, and you asked me to let you know when the money came through for an assistant coach.
Well, it came through, and he's the one.
M- Mr.
Stiles is the math teacher.
Hi, Herman.
How you doin'? I'm fine, thank you.
Well, he is, but we only received $400 for the position, and he's the only one who'll take it.
It's $400 a year.
Anyway, Mr.
Stiles is gonna help you on his free period and after school.
I- I wouldn't have bothered you on a Saturday, but, uh, I think, after last night's score, this qualifies as an emergency.
Well, Herman, I guess you know a little bit about football, huh? No.
But I've been to some games.
I'm starting to pick up the lingo.
Good.
Why, he didn't know anything about industrial arts, either, and he taught that last year.
Now he can screw bolts and stain wood like crazy.
Okey-dokey.
Well, I'll see you next week.
Okey-dokey.
And don't you worry, Coach.
When we meet the opposing team on Friday, we'll crush their guts.
Okay.
Well, we'll set up a time when I see you.
All right, bye.
Who was that? Neal Heck.
He's following me around all day doing a story for the campaign.
Okay, I'm gonna call Harlan right now and get this whole thing straightened out.
Wood What? I've had three children.
I know I'm pregnant.
If Harlan gave you a vasectomy, then obviously, it-it didn't work.
I'm gonna kill that guy.
going fishing with him.
He never could tie a knot! All right, that's coming out of the wall.
Say good-bye to the phone.
Say good-bye.
Hello? Wood Newton? Yes.
I was just sitting here and reading in the morning paper about what a big fool you have made of yourself by endorsing the public exhibitionism of some over-peroxided, white trash, melon-farm escapee named Fontana Beausoleil, whose entire family also happens to be white trash, not to mention having 400 used cars in their front yard and naming all their babies after movie stars.
Now just what do you have to say for yourself? I'm sorry.
I don't talk to women whose voices are lower than mine.
Who was that? Well, it was either Louis Armstrong calling from hell, or your aunt Frieda.
Oh, I see.
Another joke.
Come on, Ava.
Well, I've had enough of this anniversary.
Don't forget, you promised to take the kids to buy new tennis shoes.
Since it's a tradition, I suppose I will see you at your birthday dinner tonight.
In the meantime, I'll be out campaigning all day with a reporter by my side, and I have just one request: Don't you or your little athletic supporter come anywhere near us.
Happy birthday! Happy anniversary to you, too, Miss Magnet Womb.
What's wrong with you, boy? 'Course I gave you a vasectomy, and a damn good one, too.
When you tied the knot, how tight did you tie it? I tied it plenty times, just like I tie all of them.
You know what you need to do? You need to relax.
Come out to Tara this weekend.
Merleen's got all new paint on the front porch columns.
Color called white linen.
Looks like a million bucks.
I don't want to come out to Tara.
I want to know what you did to the lower half of my body.
I tied your tubes, boy.
You may be virile, but you're not that virile.
Hey, you know what to do when a pit bull falls in love with your leg, huh? Act interested.
That's very funny, Harlan.
I enjoy standing here in a paper outfit, waiting to find out if my wife is pregnant while you tell pit bull jokes.
You can go ahead and get dressed.
Look I'm sure the lab probably got Ava's test mixed up with somebody else's.
Now I got my girl calling about it.
In the meantime, I'm gonna take a look at your slide here in a minute and tell you something about your sperm count.
I guess Merleen and I will be out at your birthday dinner at the Villa tonight.
Did you know some Hare Krishnas from California came through here yesterday and had lunch there? Boy, I hate to see that.
I have just one thing to say to you, Harlan.
Ava and I, we've had our babies and we love our babies, but in 15 years, they'll all be grown.
That's the way we planned it.
That's why I had a vasectomy.
Because when the last one graduates from college, I don't want to be sitting up in the bleachers wearing Pampers.
So, if indeed we really are pregnant, you're the one that screwed up.
This is your baby, not my baby.
Your baby.
And the day that he's born, I'm gonna bring him over and put him on your doorstep, and you can call him Bubba.
Bubba from Tara.
And you can feed him and you can clothe him and you can give him a car and you can worry about him.
And you can put him through a very expensive college.
Why does it have to be expensive? Because he's my son.
He'll probably do very well on the S.
A.
T.
scores, because I don't want him to grow up and be like you, a man that cannot tie a simple knot.
Seriously, talking about kids, you know what I think the problem with that team is? You got too many white boys on it.
All right, that's it.
I'm not talking to you anymore.
I'll see you in nine months.
Leave the porch light on.
I'll be coming through the woods with a basket.
I've got your slide right here.
I can tell you right now there are not gonna be any little sperms swimming around, because when I rope them off, they stay roped.
I mean, those suckers aren't gonna be swimming anywhere.
Holy cow! What is it? Looks like the summer Olympics.
Last night's defeat was the Mules' third loss this season.
Ooh-whee, stop the pain.
And now our own R.
C.
Blue's "We May Be Happy And Just Don't Know It".
And just don't know it Extra, extra.
Coach Newton loses another game but makes a new friend.
Hey, Coach, sure was a poor game last night, wasn't it? Yes, it was, Nub.
Nice shot of you, though.
I want you to take that wagon outside right now.
Hey, look at this.
I'm using all sides of my brain at once.
Wow! Hey, Nub! Hey! See ya, girlie.
Hey, hey, ho, ho, you got that ball, now really go.
So, Herman Stiles is the new assistant coach, huh? Who told you that? He was in here this morning buying a new pair of cleats.
I think he's buying a helmet, too.
Well, he'll, he'll need a helmet.
He's gonna crush some guts.
Mm.
How's that toe feel, Molly? It feels a little tight.
I'll get you a five-and-a-half.
I love too hard Hey, these feel good? I guess.
They're just shoes.
Yeah, you're right.
They're not gonna change your life or anything, are they? Hey, Dad, I've been thinking about something.
Yeah? Well, it's probably not a good time to tell you this, but, uh I'm not so sure I want to be involved with football anymore.
That's okay, son.
I'm not sure I do, either.
No, I'm serious.
I'm getting kind of worried about getting my face hurt.
You're worried about your face? Well, yeah.
Since I'm in drama and everything, the more I'm in it, the more I think I'd like to be rich and famous like a movie star.
Well, if you don't want to play football, you don't have to.
You know, just because you're the only one on the team that has any athletic ability and you'll be around for the next three years and I'm your father and the coach, don't feel any pressure there, you know.
Here you go, Mr.
Will.
Let's put your old shoes in this bag.
There you go.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
He's so cute, I hate to get him in trouble.
But did you know he was under the bleachers last night with some kind of suction device trying to get money out of people's pockets? Is that true? I only tried it on one person, and it didn't work.
You and I are gonna have a talk on the way home.
Okay, you can talk to me any time you want.
Well, thank you, son.
It's nice to know your door's always open.
Daddy? Hmm? I've decided to get these cheaper shoes since it's your birthday.
Well, at last somebody's treating me right on my birthday.
Give me a hug.
We're out of here.
Hey, Taylor.
Hey, Doc.
Hey, Will.
Hi, Doc.
Hey, Woodrow, what's going on? Well, that's just fine.
Merleen's just outside parking the Eldorado.
I know how that little grapevine down in your office works.
If one word gets out about Ava being pregnant before the election, I'm gonna take your Eldorado and wrap it around that little replica of Tara you call a mailbox.
See ya, Coach.
Keep your chin up.
Thank you, Virgil.
Gosh, I'm tired of hearing that.
I wish just once in my career, I could hear congratulations.
Congratulations! And happy, happy baby.
Happy baby! I'm telling you, this baby thing could cost her the election.
I just don't understand how this happened.
I told you I had a vasectomy, and it didn't work.
Where the heck did you get it? At Vasectomies "R" Us.
Okay, I'm not trying to get in your business, but I-I still think you could've planned a little better.
I mean, if nothing else, there's Fouch's right down there on the corner taking care of all our pharmaceutical, cosmetic and personal needs.
You know, if and when I want to discuss my pharmaceutical needs, it will not be with a person like you who wears a ratty-looking shirt like that to a birthday party.
What's wrong with this shirt? I happen to like it.
It's warm, it's friendly, it's me.
And one more thing.
Why don't you and everybody else stay out of my bedroom? Well, somebody ought to be in there with you.
You're certainly not doing a very good job on your own.
Incidentally, did you know that your youngest son has not washed his feet for days? That was your mother on the phone.
Ah.
She says she's running a little late.
Everybody seems to be running late for the 13th Annual Wood Newton Birthday Dinner.
I don't care.
Why don't we cancel the 13th Annual Wood Newton Birthday Dinner? I didn't want you to think they're not coming because you never win any football games, and nobody wants to be seen with you.
You know, I have to say it speaks incredibly well for me that in spite of your rampant unpopularity, and the fact that you married my daughter and ruined my life I am here and on time for your party.
So, where's Ava and the children anyway? She's coming in another car.
How come you didn't all ride together? She's not speaking to me.
Well, she did speak to me once.
She said, "Take the other car.
" I want to thank you for that picture in the paper today.
It just set the tone for the whole day.
Now listen.
Any time Lady Godiva jogs in public, it's news.
Extra, extra.
Two for the price of one.
Last chance Doesn't he ever take a break? Why don't you give him a milk route? Hey, Coach, congratulations on your new baby.
Push 'em back, push 'em back.
I thought that was supposed to be a secret.
Too late now, now that Geraldo Rivera on wheels has got it.
Oh, I don't care.
I'm gonna go over to the juke box and play B-5.
Milli Vanilli? "As Nasty As They Want To Be.
" "Me So Horny"? What the hell is going on here? I sold the old juke box.
You did what? I sold it.
I had to.
I got a lot of high school kids coming in here now.
Nobody liked that music.
I liked it.
I liked it.
You sold "Blueberry Hill"? I come in here every day.
I pay my taxes.
I don't need Milli Vanilli, "I Want To Be Nasty" and "Me So Horny" in my life.
Wood, I'm a businessman.
I got to go along with the new stuff that the kids like, like Madonna.
I don't believe it.
"Shop Around," "Deep Purple," "The Duke of Earl.
" That was my youth.
I didn't think my birthday could get any worse, but well, you know, it's, it's like a snowball going downhill, you know, collecting crud and slime.
It's kind of metaphysical, like a bad moon rising.
My wife isn't speaking to me, I got a football team that can't play football, I got an assistant coach that stains wood, I got a son who doesn't want to get his face hurt, I got another son whose feet stink, and he sucks money out of people's pockets, a friend who gave me a gimp vasectomy and a naked woman stalking me all over town.
I think I'll just go home and get under the bed.
Well, it's a little late for that.
If you'd been under your bed, we wouldn't be in the shape we're in today.
Well, now, look, at least the worst is over.
Wood Newton.
Maybe not.
I am so mad at you, I almost didn't bother to come here tonight, except I did not want to upset my darling Ava.
Number one, you hung up on me this morning, and number two, I have to tell you right now, no matter how much I love your children, there is no way I'm gonna be able to baby-sit this new baby.
Frieda, you have never baby-sat for us.
Well, then I must have been traveling.
Anyway, I was deeply hurt, I had to find out about this pregnancy from Imogene Eickert.
You know Imogene is like CNN always bringing the world into your living room.
You know, it's just a little funny to me how she's had that foreign exchange student from Scandinavia living there for three years.
Nobody even says a word about it.
Well, I think it's time to let that boy go home.
Here's your birthday present.
It's a copy of North Dallas Forty.
I didn't know what else to get you.
I think you gave me North Dallas Forty last year.
I don't know what you like to read.
Well, I like to read this, over and over.
You know, you're lucky I got you anything at all.
Mm? Ava could have been Attorney General of Arkansas someday, but I guess you're just gonna keep her pregnant till she's too old to run for that office.
Don't you be grinning at me.
I know how you are around her every day.
It's just, "Ugn-ugn, got to have me some of that.
" You know if you men had to have some of these babies, you'd be a lot more careful about where you park your Pontiac.
You know, Frieda, sometimes you really hurt our feelings.
We're very sensitive about our cars.
Mom, what time are we supposed to be at Dad's birthday dinner? Right now.
Molly, I can't believe you've been playing outside in your good dress.
We were building a tree house for Scout.
Who's Scout? The new baby.
We named her after the girl in To Kill a Mockingbird.
She named her.
I don't like it.
I'll just call her Girlie.
No, you're not.
That's stupid.
You all didn't say anything about the baby in front of Neal Heck, did you? No, we didn't.
Mom, why don't you want anybody to know? Because, Taylor, there's probably some people who wouldn't vote for me if they knew I was having a baby.
Why? Don't they like babies? Sure, they do.
It's just it's hard to explain.
Oh, come on, Mom, don't be upset.
Hey, we'll all help you raise her.
Yeah, and Dad will help, too.
I remember when I had the earache, he rocked me all night long.
Oh, that's right.
He did, didn't he? He rocked me, too.
But he can't sing very good, though.
You all are real happy about this baby, aren't you? Hey, I'm happy.
Are you happy? Yes.
Then how come you're crying? I guess I was happy, and I just didn't know it.
Hey, just like R.
C.
's song.
Hey, old buddy, after the gals go home tonight, we're gonna have us a little stag birthday drink, just us fellas, huh? Got something that's gonna cheer you up.
What's that, a refund? This guy's killing me.
No kidding now.
The gals and the children got to be out of here by 10:00.
I don't want any more surprises from you, Mr.
Scalpel-Meister.
You're gonna love it.
Hello, everybody.
Oh! Oh, hi, Mom.
Oh, Pauline.
Don't say anything to my mother about the baby.
I want to be the one that tells her, okay? Happy birthday, Woodrow.
Oh, thank you, Mom.
Oh, son, I'm so pleased about the new baby.
I heard it from one of Dr.
Elldridge's nurses, in Fouch's when I was getting my medicine refilled.
Evening, y'all.
Ah, well, look who's here.
How the heck are you, R.
C.
? Just fine, Mr.
Evans.
Hey, nephew! Ah! What's going on, huh? Not much, Uncle Ponder.
Hey, Coach.
Happy birthday.
Well, hey, R.
C.
What you doing here? Well, I'm here to bail you out.
They called me to come back and play for you.
That's the best news I had all day.
Speaking of football, somebody says that Herman Stiles is the new assistant football coach, and now he runs around with a little canteen filled with Gatorade.
Herman Stiles couldn't coach I'm gonna call home and see if Ava's all right.
She called.
Said she's on her way.
You know, Coach seems a little down.
Is he upset about the game last night? Nah, he'll be all right.
He's got those over the hill, my wife's off the pill and my vasectomy didn't take blues.
They're gonna have a baby? Well, I think it's just terrible this baby thing had to happen the same day that awful picture's in the paper.
Well, I don't care what anybody says.
The fact is, Fontana Beausoleil's a friend of mine, and by gosh, she's helped promote the team and helped attendance, and I'm for anything that promotes Wood and the team.
We all know what a master of promotion this guy is.
After all, he's the one who suggested that our license plates say, "Arkansas: Not As Bad As You Think.
" Well, here's the candidate of the hour now.
Get over here, girl.
You're holding up the proceedings.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I had to speak to the Jaycees, and they ran late.
Oh, would you look at this boy's profile? It's just like mine.
We ought to just put him on a float and drive him through town every Saturday.
I wish she wouldn't talk to him like that.
It makes it so much tougher for me to get him to stick his face in a 300-pound tackle's groin.
I'm sure Neal has heard about the baby by now.
I think I'll go over and do a little damage control.
Okay.
Look at this.
I'm using all sides of my brains at once.
He's been spending some quality time with Nub.
Darling.
Hi.
How are you feeling? I'm fine.
Hmm.
Neal, why don't you go on home? You've hounded this lady long enough for one day.
Oh.
What'd your mother say when you told her about the tree house? She cried.
She did? Miss Pauline, you'll have to come out to Tara and see our new pond.
We have two Styrofoam swans floating on it.
Well, I'll certainly look forward to that.
Can you beat it? Everybody in this town knows about this baby but my reporter.
This guy hasn't got a clue.
I don't know whether to be relieved or depressed.
I wouldn't worry about it.
Don't feel too bad, Coach.
You can't build a team if you ain't got the players.
Keep your chin up.
Did you see what one of them Hare Krishnas left here? You know, it's amazing to me that anybody could be happy just running around, chanting and banging a tambourine all day.
You would think they would want to get some other instruments and form a band.
All right, everybody, you got hot rib plates coming through.
All right! Ooh! Ponder's pride and joy.
Sharpen your dentures, get your elbows off the table.
We gotta the show on the road, get the ladies and the little ones on out of here.
Harlan, why are you so anxious to get rid of us? Oh, you wouldn't understand, Merleen.
It's a little surprise for Wood and the guys.
Even if Ava wasn't running against Jim Guy Puckett, I still wouldn't vote for him, 'cause he's a wimp.
And you have heard the rumor.
He had to have a spine implant.
Ha! Neal, I hope you realize my aunt is given to exaggerated hyperbole for the sake of entertainment.
Besides that, Jim Guy Puckett is a friend of mine.
Oh, Harlan, everybody's a friend of yours, from Tammy Fay Baker's personal secretary to some fool you met on a jungle boat at Pirates of the Caribbean.
You know, Frieda, in the world of pork and beans, I think you might be missing a couple of gristle cubes.
Before we begin our annual food fight, I'd like to make a toast.
Quiet, everybody! Birthday boy wants to make a speech.
Make it quick.
As you all know, it's my birthday, but it's also Ava and my anniversary.
We haven't done much celebrating yet, but, well, we'll get started now with an announcement to Neal Heck, who seems to be the only person in this town that doesn't know that we're expecting our fourth child.
Well, everybody tonight has been talking about keeping it a secret until after the election, but that's not our style.
Besides, it's too late, anyway.
The truth is that Ava and I are, um, really proud we're having this baby.
I'm glad you're writing this down, Neal, because I want everyone in this town to understand that when Taylor was born, I was playing professional football.
Ava was busy trying to track down a job and, uh, move us through a blizzard to Pittsburgh.
When Molly Dean was born, she was busy taking care of a five-year-old, working part-time and graduating second in her class at law school.
Then when our last son, Will, was born, well, it was almost on an island in the middle of the Washatau River, because she was there with So, I don't want to hear anything about a mother of four or a pregnant woman not being able to do a man's job.
I think my wife has proven that there is no such thing as a man's job, so when election day rolls around four weeks from now, I'll be the first person standing in line to cast my vote for Ava Evans Newton, the first female prosecuting attorney of Evening Shade, Arkansas, and I'll be just as proud of that as I am to be the guy that gets to take her home.
Happy anniversary, sweetheart.
Ah Hey, Harlan? You know that Fontana woman who's supposed to be inside a birthday cake that you give me ten dollars to be on the lookout for? Well, I just want to let you know she hadn't gotten here yet.
Thank you Nub.
Ava looked beautiful tonight.
Ava always looks beautiful.
And man, you are one lucky son of a gun that that Miss Fontana, or whatever her name, never showed up.
You know, Ponder, the older I get, the less I understand about anything.
I mean, how could I, Wood Newton, have a son that would rather be a movie star than play football? I don't understand it.
I'm confused, too.
Yeah? Confused about what? I'm confused about fiber.
It's way past your bedtime, Nub.
I think you ought to go on down to the newspaper.
Nah, I'm going for a spin first.
Happy birthday, Coach.
Oh, Nub, I-I can't take your money.
I know, I was just letting you look at it.
Play B-5.
Nub.
Huh? B-5 is gone.
No, it's not.
It's in the air.
You just have to pick up the sound waves.
Yeah.
Or you could order it from a record store.
You got it.
Let's go.
You know what struck me tonight? Hmm? Immortality.
I'm not gonna be immortal.
Yeah, that sort of hits when you get around 50.
Well, it hit me at 48.
I was sitting right here looking at Ava and the kids.
And I was suddenly, incredibly grateful that we were having this baby.
When's the first time you felt immortal? "Immortal"? Hmm.
Well, I I- I was a little bitty old thing in the back of my daddy's hay wagon Daddy was driving.
And the sun was bright and hot, shining right in my eye.
And I looked up and I saw my daddy's big, broad shoulders moving in and blocking out the sun.
And that's when I knew that I was going to live forever.
Yeah, your daddy was a good man.
Hmm.
My daddy was a good man, too.
Yeah.
When I was 17, you were the only one that would tell me he was dying.
Go home, Wood.
Somebody's waiting for you.
Yeah.
The sauce was a little hot tonight.
You talking about my cooking or thinking about your wife? Get some decent music here, will ya? I just cannot believe this day.
It has been a nightmare from beginning to end.
It's not enough to get from all these PTA types, but I also have to ride in the back of that filthy, stinking, beat-up, old farm truck in this ridiculous looking getup, then walk the last half mile with cow dung stuck to my new high heels after Delman's radiator blows up.
And all these redneck geeks are hanging out of their car windows screaming and yelling at me.
I mean just because I'm a striptease artist doesn't mean I don't have any feelings.
I know exactly how you feel.
I've had the same kind of day.
What happened here? Oh! One of my shingles fell off.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Where did you get this thing? Herman Stiles made it for me.
He used to teach shop at the high school.
I don't think she's got on anything under there.
Oh, you, you want a jacket? You're probably freezing.
I can't get it on.
And now I don't have any way home.
Uh, I'll, I'll give you a ride home.
I can't fit inside a car.
Nub! Nub, what are you doing back here? I forgot to tell Coach something.
What is it? You know that lady that was supposed to be dressed like a cake? I never could find her.
Thank you, Nub.
I saw her outside, but I figured that was supposed to be a hat.
You want another ten dollars? Okay, if you're sure you don't want it anymore.
I want you to take the lovely Fontana in your chariot all the way to her house, and I want you to treat her like a princess.
Okeydoke.
Come on.
Here we go.
Easy does it.
That's it.
Nice and easy.
Uh, your cape, ma'am.
Thank you.
You guys are really sweet.
Hey, look at this.
I'm using all my motor skills.
Forgot to tell you there was entertainment, too.
Did you know when you were the big football star in college, and I was just a little newsboy, that when you'd come home on vacation I would purposefully throw the newspaper at your window just for the thrill of waking you up? Boy, I'm glad to see you.
What are you doing out here? Waiting for my husband.
We still have 30 minutes of our anniversary left.
You're not mad at me anymore? I decided it's not your fault your vasectomy didn't work and that you attract wild and crazy women.
After all, you attracted me.
Yeah.
I'm not sure it's proper for a future prosecuting attorney to be out on a front porch in a see-through nightgown.
Well, I can't let Fontana Beausoleil have all the fun.
I loved your speech.
And my name carved in wood.
Wood.
I think this is how we got in trouble in the first place.
It's not gonna be easy having four kids.
When you look like this, I just want to be worthy of you.
I don't know why or how.
This morning I was in shock.
Now, I want this baby more than anything else in the world.
And I know you want it, too.
I want all the babies you've got.
Can we go inside now? Not until you open your present.
What present? The one they couldn't get through the front door.
I bought it from Ponder.
He tore up the check.
You don't have to say it.
You don't have to say anything at all.
I found my thrill On Blueberry Hill On Blueberry Hill NUB Hey, hey, ho, ho.
You got that ball, now really go.
Hey, hey, ho, ho.
You've got that ball, now really go.
The moon stood still On Blueberry Hill And so another birthday passes.
Wood Newton loses a football game, but gains a jukebox and a baby.
Not a bad trade, if you think about it.
And even more important, there's Will and Molly and Taylor, who in years to come will no doubt reflect on their own remembered moment of immortality as they watched their parents dance and twirl on an old front porch in the pale moonlight on a warm September night in a place called Evening Shade.
I found my thrill On Blueberry Hill On Blueberry Hill When I found you.