Everything I Know About Love (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

1 This programme contains very strong language PLATFORM PA ANNOUNCEMENTS Destiny.
The thing that I believed predetermined all great love stories.
The idea that the romantic events of our lives were scripted in stardust, long, long ago.
I just had to follow the signs to find them.
This particular tale of destiny begins on a train.
The year is 2012.
According to the Mayan calendar, the world is about to end.
Which would have been a real bummer, because I was 24, and my adult life had just finally begun.
Please, can I get a mini bottle of red wine, and a mini bottle of white wine, and a mini bottle of Jameson's? BEEPING Yeah, that card's been declined.
Definitely not.
Definitely has.
I checked my online banking at the station.
There was loads of money in my account, and by loads I mean £32.
74.
It says you have insufficient funds.
I'll get it.
No, no.
Don't worry.
So that same order, again, for Shane MacGowan.
And just a beer for me, please.
SHE SNIFFS I was doing market research.
And you sit in a room with, like, 30 other people and you answer questions for the car company about whether you'd drive the car.
- And where was today's? - Bristol.
And would you drive the car? Dunno.
Can't drive! This obviously isn't my long-term plan.
I want to write.
So what do you want to write? Really, really good stories.
And comments.
Comments? Yeah, I want to be amazing at comments and witticisms.
I want all my comments to be published in one of those cheap books you pick up by the till.
Until then, I'll basically do anything other than murder - for 40 quid, cash in hand.
- Is that bad? How old are you? I'd say you've got two more years left of getting away with it.
How old are you? 27.
Just out of the middle.
How was it? Well, I think Larkin got it right.
What did he say? I feared these present years.
The middle twenties.
When deftness disappears.
And each event is freighted with a source-encrusting doubt and turned to drought.
Fit.
What's your favourite band? - Come on.
You're better than this.
- What? Asking me what my favourite things are.
Like you're a teenage girl filling out a Myspace profile.
That is incredibly patronising.
I think you like being patronised by men.
Gives you something to push against, like you're a shrew to be tamed, or something.
I don't want to be tamed.
You just want our attention.
Ladies and gentlemen, we will shortly be arriving into London Paddington, that's our final stop.
SHE CHUCKLES It was really lovely to meet you.
- Street.
- "Street?" I know.
It's where I was conceived.
No way.
It's true.
God.
I'm just trying to think what my parents would have called me if I was named after where I was conceived.
Pocket-sprung mattress.
I've always wondered, with people who are named after places, like, whether they ever actually live in the I've been waiting to do that since Slough.
"Pocket-sprung mattress?" Are you getting the Tube? Nah.
I'll walk home.
Really committed to this troubadour shit, aren't you? Fucking works, though, doesn't it? Let's not give each other our numbers.
Why? Because I think if we're meant to meet again, we'll meet again.
Leave it to kismet.
Destiny.
You must be so, so bored.
I'm Maggie.
That boy, that kiss, that train journey would begin a series of events that would change my life.
I don't know what my 20s would've been like if I hadn't got on that exact train and sat in that exact carriage.
I can only tell you everything that happened after I did.
This is a story of great love.
But it's not the one you think it is.
Maggs? Yeah.
You ready? Yeah.
But first I need to ask you a really serious question.
What is it? Is it hard, being the prettiest girl in the entire world? Seriously, we're leaving in five minutes.
OK, well, that's exactly how long it takes me to get ready.
Don't even try that, I've known you your whole life.
Nell, Amara.
Wine.
Why is no-one ready? Just sorted out the feng shui in my room.
Had a nap.
Wrote my will.
- Oh, what's it say? - Just "will", at the moment.
OK, can we stop writing wills and having naps? It's meant to be ladies' night.
- I didn't agree to ladies' night.
- Yeah, it's ladies' night! Yes, mate! - I propose a toast.
- Ooh, Maggs, in your will, can I have your fake Prada sunglasses? Nell.
To the first Friday night in our first London house! CHEERING And to many more Friday nights.
Look at all those Friday nights piled up just for us.
How are we going to get through them all? OK, I really do think that we should leave by eight.
- Oh, Birdy, you need to relax.
- You're just You are so rushed off your feet.
Aww Rushed off your feet! I've told you before, I don't like it.
I've told you I don't like it! I've said a thousand times, I don't like it! Well, then, stop being the littlest one, then! OK, so I think if we start at the Chalk Farm end and make our way up to the Mornington Crescent end.
I think we don't make a plan.
All the best nights happen when we just follow our noses.
Agreed.
Oh, have you heard from that guy on the train? No.
But I didn't think I would.
We didn't exchange surnames or numbers.
Thought it would be romantic.
Definitely your idea, not his.
If I met a man I fancied, who fancied me back, I'd make him write his number on my face with a permanent marker.
Oh, don't be so dramatic, Birdy.
Anyway, there we are, met the boy of my dreams, probably the only boy I could see myself ever truly loving and now he's gone.
Oh, come on, babe.
This isn't like you.
We've just arrived in London.
City of possibilities! There will be others.
Not like this one.
I've put a winning lottery ticket in the washing machine.
Well done for not being dramatic about it, though.
Thanks.
- Thank you.
- And cheers.
ALL: Cheers! - Let's play Never Have I Ever.
Yes.
- No.
This game is only enjoyable for half of the group.
And it's not the half who have had two sexual partners.
Or have never taken drugs.
So whatever you want to say, just say it.
Amara, you had a threesome in Malaga.
Maggie, you wanked at the back of the coach on a school trip to Stonehenge.
Yeah, game done.
Ta-da! LAUGHTER SCRAPES - Do you think that's enough? - Yeah.
DOOR KNOCKS Oh, God, the Feds.
Hide it in your pocket.
No.
I'm a teacher.
- BIRDY: Guys? - Oh, for God's sake.
Birdy, get in.
- OK.
If I took it - YES! If I took it, are you sure I won't die? You are so suburban, Birdy, you're not going to die.
No-one has ever died from taking cocaine.
Not true.
It is completely harmless, it's a very sort of two point four children, L-shaped sofa type of drug.
You just dip in and out of it, - like, erm, like - Hummus? Genius girl.
Hummus.
Exactly.
- I don't think I will.
- Why? I don't want to get dizzy.
Do you want to die with some stories or do you want to sleepwalk into your own grave? BIRDY SNIFFS Feel like I'm in Trainspotting.
You're literally wearing a dress from Karen Millen.
Bottle of your cheapest white, please.
And four glasses.
Cheers, mate.
Hey! Hey.
Do you recognise me? Yeah.
Were you on one of those early series of Big Brother? No No.
I'm Maggie.
We met on a train? A couple of weeks ago? Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
My brain's fried.
How are you? I'm good.
Who are you here with? Oh, my friends.
My housemates.
We've just moved in together down the road.
- Interesting.
- What? Moving to Camden in 2012.
Whoever you're looking for has already left.
What are you doing here, then? Gig.
How did it go? Fine.
I mean, everyone talked through the whole set, all the white people clapped on the on-beat, just another Friday night in a completely forgettable band.
We're, er, we're actually heading off now.
OK.
It was really nice to see you again.
Yeah, you too.
I could give you my number this time? Do I not have your number? No, we decided I don't think we exchanged numbers.
What is this? Oh, yeah.
I hate smartphones.
You know, I read recently that our brains are actually changing shape because of how much time we're spending online.
Yeah, soon, we won't be able to concentrate on anything.
Reading a novel will be as niche an activity as, like, bell-ringing.
Dark.
Who was that?! I am literally going to shit myself.
I'm hoping this is another example of your misuse of the word literally.
That was the fucking train guy.
No.
Yes.
See, Nell? Destiny.
Oh, my God, he's even more beautiful than I remembered.
- What's his name? - Street.
He was named after where he was conceived.
Oh, have a day off.
Sorry, Nell.
I'm here for it.
I am backing our girl, this is fate.
It is too weird not to be.
And, and he uses an old Nokia because he believes smartphones are bad for our brains.
- It's like he's some kind of - Cunt? .
.
philosopher? I can't believe I saw him.
Can you believe it? I cannot believe it.
Where's Birdy? Oh, God knows.
I now get why she doesn't take drugs.
It's been like watching Elmo get high.
Maggs, Maggs, come here, I want you to meet these guys.
This is my best friend, Maggie, she's literally amazing, we've known each other since school.
The other two are great and we love them, but this girl is my childhood sweetheart.
Do you ever have it where, like, you want to invent a new version of marriage, it's just for two people who promise to love each other forever, they don't have sex or anything, they just hang out loads? Yes.
But there's still, like, a formal commitment.
I totally agree.
Like, shouldn't there be a word for it? Erm Friendship? Yes! MUSIC: Down With The Trumpets by Rizzle Kicks Yes Rizzle kicks ♪ Four beers, please.
MUSIC CONTINUES MUSIC CONTINUES CHEERING LAUGHTER I want to roll down the hill! ALL: YES! ALL SHRIEK Come on! No, I don't want to get dizzy.
Come on, come on! CHEERING BELL RINGS Can I sit here? Yeah.
I like your key-rings.
Thanks.
How many are on there? 13.
I like your braces.
What colour are they? Glitter magenta.
I'm Maggie.
I'm Birdy.
You know, it shows how much I love you, that I don't mind you doing this every morning.
I barely like doing this with someone I'm sleeping with.
I know.
I spent all my money again last night, buying drinks for a load of people I'll never, ever see again.
Why did you buy them drinks? To make them like me without having to talk.
I'll lend you.
You can't lend me any more money.
I'll just go back to the bank and see if they'll let me extend my overdraft.
I thought you already went last week and they said no.
I'll try again.
I don't think it works like a tombola.
I'm such an idiot.
No you're not.
You're so fun.
I'm a tragic drunk who buys all the rounds.
You think being fun is easy because it comes so naturally to you.
But being fun is not easy.
You're someone who actually likes skinny dipping and wearing bandannas and playing snooker at the pub and putting hot sauce on everything.
You know, that's special.
Maybe the cost of being that special is always being overdrawn.
I just don't think that's right at all.
It is.
I've spent years trying to learn how to be fun, from you.
You are fun.
Like when? Like when you bought those .
.
pink, neon, flared combat trousers with the strings hanging off! Or when you went on that Thorpe Park roller-coaster four times.
You'd come off, sip of water, straight back in the queue.
It was incredible.
So I've been fun, like, twice in my life.
But that's OK.
I'm much better at things like judging how long a car journey is going to take.
Hmm.
You are really good at that.
I love you.
Oh, I love you.
Oh, I wish you'd wear pants.
How are you feeling? Bad.
I cannot believe you guys did poppers last night.
We live in Camden now.
Doing poppers in Camden is like eating a croissant in Paris.
DOORBELL RINGS I'll get it.
That'll be your boyfriend, Nell.
Hi, Neil.
Don't eat that straight from the jar.
Hi, guys.
Oh, my gosh.
YES! We've got a telly.
My sister had a spare one in her attic.
Thanks, babe.
Right, there is going to be a zero-tolerance policy for anyone taking those batteries out of the remote for their personal devices.
Unless it's an emergency.
What personal devices? Vibrators and dillies.
Anyway, thanks, man.
Yeah.
No worries.
How's finance going? Law.
- And Man U? - Arsenal.
We've got to go to work.
See you tonight.
Bye.
Bye.
Thanks again for the telly, Neil.
Hello.
Hi.
HE SIGHS I wonder if our degrees are ever going to come good.
I just don't think a 2:1 in English and Drama says anything to an employer other than .
.
"I'm completely average.
"I have got a Breakfast At Tiffany's poster on my wall and I can't think for myself.
" I found my degree certificate while I was unpacking.
Used it as a coaster.
TEXT ALER Oh, my God, it's Street.
What did he say? "Hey, sugar, "come round mine tonight to listen to some albums.
" Hmm.
I wonder how many "albums" you're going to "listen to".
I think I shouldn't have sex with him.
What do you think? I've never even had a boyfriend, don't look to me for advice.
That'll do, pig, that'll do.
Kids eat for half-price today.
Look, you have to get over this never-having-a-boyfriend stuff.
You have to admit, it's weird.
I'm a quarter of a century old.
Look, we're in this grubby, golden phase of life that is so short-lived.
We should just enjoy it - for what it is.
- We need experiences.
Having a relationship is an experience.
Isn't it? What are you going to wear? I don't know, something quite understated, I think.
He's so cool and I'm so not and he needs to not know what a try-hard I am.
MUSIC: Femme Fatale by the Velvet Underground IMITATING NICO: Here she comes You better watch your step She's going to break your heart in two It's true ♪ That is a good Nico impression.
I told you.
You were really lame at school, weren't you? You were, weren't you? You were a loser who wore rockabilly dresses and ate Toffee Crisps in the school toilets.
How insightful.
Do the Nico voice again.
No.
Do it, Big Bird.
Hello.
Oh, God, that's my flatmate, Nathan.
He's not actually my mate.
He works in insurance.
I found him on Gumtree.
All right? All right? Nathan, this is Maggie.
Hi.
Hi! Er, don't worry, I'll be out of your way soon, I'm just getting changed, then going to the gym.
Nathan's marathon training.
Wow, amazing.
How's it going? Er, pretty bad, to be honest.
Yeah, painful and boring.
Why are you doing it? I don't know.
Something to do.
Nathan needs to have sex.
And then he'll stop What's that word you and your mates use at the gym? Grating.
- Shredding.
- Have you got any single friends? Er, that isn't necessary.
Yeah, loads.
Maybe I'll give you Birdy's number.
Was she there the other night? Yeah, she's the little one with dark hair.
She's the best person in the world.
Who were those other two? Nell and Amara.
We met them at uni.
Nell's got a boyfriend, though, and Amara only ever seems to date spoken-word performers or Southern Europeans.
That doesn't seem to be your immediate vibe, if you don't mind me saying.
Birdy it is.
Thanks, mate.
I'll give you her number.
Cheers.
Er, well, you guys have a good evening.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS Yo, Tank? Tank? Yeah, yeah, I know, mate, I'll be there shortly.
Well, just try to grab the dumbbells before anyone else does.
- Do you see what I mean? - Yeah.
But he's nice, though.
Yeah, but just the kind of guy who's a bit too into barbecued food, you know? Hmm.
Or who says "Brazilian women are THE sexiest women on Earth.
" Exactly.
I'm having people over on Friday night.
You know, play some music.
Get fucked up.
Do you want to come? You could do your Nico.
Maybe.
We're out of wine.
Whisky? Erm, I think I'm actually going to head off.
Oh.
Yeah, just work and stuff to do tomorrow.
Bye, Street.
One more time, one more time.
No No.
I can't rap.
Stop calling it a "rap".
You're really good.
Come on.
MUSIC STARTS I woke up today With this feelin' that better things are comin' my way And if the sunshine has meaning Telling me not To let things get in my way When the rainy days are dyin' Got to keep on, keep on tryin' All the bees and birds are flyin' Aaaaah Never let go, got to hold on and Nonstop till the break of dawn and keep movin', don't stop rockin' Aaaaah Get on up when you're down, baby Take a good look around ♪ Hi! Thank God.
MUSIC STOPS Shoes off.
How'd it go? Yeah.
Good, I think.
Playing the long game.
- Kiss? - Yeah.
Nothing else, though.
I'm, erm, eking it out.
Don't want to use up all of his attention too quickly, you know? - When's his birthday? - Dunno.
I can find out.
What's his name? Baxter.
Street Baxter.
Wait, what do you mean, "use up his attention"? He's either into you or he isn't.
Hmm.
I think he probably has loads of other girls on the go.
So there's an allotted amount of attention for each of us.
That is so rank.
Gemini.
Knew it.
I'm the one in control, though.
I left.
So now I'm going to go upstairs, watch videos of his band on YouTube, and wank furiously.
It's all very feminist-y, don't worry.
OK, we need to talk about that word again.
I've got your star sign compatibility trial here.
- Do you want me to email it to you? - Yeah, obviously.
Done.
Oh, what if he thinks I'm frigid? I wish someone thought I was frigid.
Things can only get batter at Amy Lou's Pancake House.
TEXT ALER Oh, unknown number.
Oh, I got that one.
Chicken dippers free with every large pizza.
Weird, it's from some guy called Nathan.
No way! What? That's Street's flatmate.
He asked me if I had any single friends, - so I gave him your number.
- That is so random he text you.
Such a 30-year-old thing to do.
Well, it's not "random" at all if you gave him my number.
What's he like? Fine.
I only chatted to him briefly, but he seems completely average and normal.
- Surely that's good? - Not really.
You know when you need to buy something practical but you don't want to spend too much money on it? He's like that.
He's like a light bulb or a plug adaptor.
So, is he tall? Is he short? I don't know, what does he do? He is tall.
Plain of face, sort of a potato-smiley-shaped face.
I think Street said he worked in recruitment.
Or energy.
Some sort of boring abstract noun.
He sounds nice.
Yeah, but you could do loads better.
- I don't think I'm as fussy as you.
- I'm not fussy.
Maybe I'll end up with a plug adaptor.
I hate when you say stuff like that.
You're not going to end up with a plug adaptor, you're going to end up with someone dazzling.
I don't want to end up with someone "dazzling", I feel tired even saying that word.
You make it sound like we all need to go out with Elton John.
Fine, go for it.
Seems like a really unstressful shag.
Shall I reply now? Or is that too soon? Oh, I'm schwitzing.
And what will you say? Erm "Dinner sounds lovely.
" - He asked you for dinner? - That's mental.
You're not going to agree to that, are you? What are you saying? Stop being so nosy.
Let me see what you're going to say.
MAGGIE LAUGHS Give it back.
Give it back, Maggs.
No, no.
Give it back! Ah! Oh, Birdy.
Maggs.
Can you help me? Quickly.
Grab my arm.
Please.
Can you grab my both my arms? How long has she been getting ready? Three and a half hours.
Birdy? I'm fine.
I'm coming in.
I'm not fine, I'm freaking out.
OK.
Talk to me.
I'm just so nervous about what we're going to talk about and whether I hug him hello.
And what what do I wear? - OK, you need to chill out.
- I know.
- First things first.
- I know you're stressed.
But what is the one thing you and I have always sworn to each other? Always, no matter what? That we would never wear a waist belt with a dress.
Why? Because it doesn't nip in your waist, that's a lie.
OK.
Already much better.
- What's this? - It's a list of things to talk about in case there are any awkward silences.
Council tax? Yeah.
Russell Brand? Maggie! OK.
Listen to me.
Listen to me.
You don't know this, and perhaps you'll never know this and that is why you're so adorable.
You are the sweetest, funniest person in any room.
You on bad form is a level of charm that most people don't get to in their entire life.
OK OK.
Thanks.
You look lush.
Where's he taking you? Oh.
Italian restaurant.
Can you believe this is the first date I've ever been on? Happy date-mitzvah.
Oh, thanks, Nell.
Do you know, I've got a belt that would look great with that dress, if you want to borrow it? You know, I'm just I'm just going to go.
Don't overthink it.
Have fun.
Oh, erm, I've washed your whites, they're hanging on the rack with mine.
Do you still not know how to do your own laundry? Oh, leave her.
She does a loads for me.
And I like doing it.
She likes doing it.
You two are so co-dependent.
Bye.
I'm sorry, but I think it's very creepy for him to take her to a restaurant on their first date.
And I don't think we should be going on first dates in the first month we move in together.
This is meant to be cordoned off as sacred housemate bonding time.
Erm, you went on a first date last week.
Oh, Nell's in one of her rational Scottish moods.
What are your plans tonight? Erm, don't know.
What are you doing, date night? Yeah.
Looking forward to it? I'm looking forward to tomorrow morning when it's done.
You know? When you don't have to think about it for a while.
- Like putting out the bins.
- Where's Amara? She's out with some of her work lot, I think.
Ah.
See you in the morning.
Have fun! Nathan? Birdy.
Hello.
Hey.
Oh! Sorry, I never know whether to do one or two.
No, neither do I.
I think I messed that up so, anyway, sit down.
I'll get that for you.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
PHONE RINGS Hi, this is Street, I'm not here.
Leave a message.
SHE SIGHS MESSAGE ALER Fuck it! Oh, ee-oh, am I just about to lose my mind? It was fun for five minutes But I preferred it when I had less time And I'm sick of sensation ♪ PHONE RINGS - Hey.
- Hi.
How are you? All good, what's up? Hmm, I just thought I'd drop in.
I'm on a night out in East London.
Oh, yeah, don't worry about that.
What do you mean? I'm just kind of tied up, so don't worry about coming.
Oh.
I mean, you could come when everyone's gone.
But I don't know when they'll be gone.
Like, sometime after midnight, maybe? So I'm your dial-a-pussy, now.
Maggie, you called me.
I don't know what kind of girl you think I am, Street.
But I'm not going to feel grateful that some musician wants to booty-call me once his cool friends have left.
Who, I can already tell, have some very dumb ideas about Neil Young.
Who sings like an old feeble nan! Maggie I'm not that kind of girl.
So goodbye and fuck you! OK, baby.
Oh, erm Oh, no, no.
Please, I'd love to.
If you don't mind.
No, no, I don't mind.
Erm, that's really nice of you, thank you.
You are welcome.
It's my pleasure.
Thank you.
We could, erm, go to a bar if you fancy it, or we could go back to mine for a drink.
If that If that's not too forward.
Yeah.
I I've got leg day at 6am tomorrow.
Oh.
Yeah.
- Fuck it.
- Yeah, fuck it! Who needs legs?! Yeah, let's get legless! PHONE RINGS Don't worry about that.
Leave me a message and I'll get back to you.
Bye.
Hey, Bird.
Terrible evening.
Erm, I got to the point where I'm telling a man what "kind of girl" I may or may not be, which, as we know, is a bad sign.
Erm, if on the off-chance your date isn't going well, please come drink with me when you're done.
Don't care how late it is.
Love you.
Hi, you're through to Birdy's phone.
LOUD CHATTER DRESS RIPS Oh, fuck's sake! SMOOTH MUSIC STARTS WOMAN GIGGLES Birdy? Oh, fuck.
Jesus Christ.
Hi.
- What are you doing? - I came in to say Why do you have so many tiny towels?! They're not tiny towels, they're face cloths.
I'm so sorry, I didn't realise.
It's OK, it's OK.
Date went well? Yeah.
Sex? Sh.
Finger bang? Blowie? I'll tell you tomorrow.
Breakfast? We're actually going for brunch tomorrow, I think.
OK, wow.
Yeah.
Yeah, this place by the canal he wants to take me to.
Apparently, they do a really, really good Bloody Mary.
No worries.
Movie night tomorrow night? Yeah, yeah.
Sure.
Yeah.
Are you OK? Do you guys want a drink? WHISPERS: I think I should probably Of course.
Of course.
Night.
Night.
DOOR CLOSES BIRDY AND NATHAN GIGGLE I got brass in pocket I got bottle, I'm gonna use it Intention, I feel inventive Gonna make you, make you, make you notice Got motion, restrained emotion Been driving, Detroit leaning No reason, just seems so pleasing Gonna make you, make you, make you notice Gonna use my arms Gonna use my legs Gonna use my style Gonna use my sidestep Gonna use my fingers ♪ All right, I'm coming.
Cos I'm gonna make you see There's nobody else here No-one like me I'm special, so special I got have some of your attention Give it to me ♪