Exploding Kittens (2024) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1
[ethereal music playing]
[slurps, exhales]
[phone ringing]
God, the board will see you now.
We called you in today
because of the incident
that occurred last night
at your condo at approximately 1:53 a.m.
Look, I'm sorry
about last night's little ordeal.
It was, uh [chuckling]
a wild night.
"Little ordeal"? First,
you put on that nature documentary again,
the one about the pterodactyls mating.
- [pterodactyls screeching]
- [God] Mmm [chuckles]
Dude, it's weirding everyone out.
Why do you keep watching that?
Then you passed out drunk
with a DiGiorno in the oven
- [pterodactyls screeching]
- [God chuckles, moans]
[snoring]
[fire alarm ringing]
And burned down
the entire west end of Heaven.
[people screaming]
I mean, not all of it.
The Margaritaville survived. [chuckles]
Oh. And you blew up all of our unicorns.
[unicorns neighing]
Oh, boo-hoo.
They're ponies with face boners.
I did you a favor.
Look, it's not just the fire.
Earth is also a mess.
You left the tornado machine running,
humans have invented
pumpkin spice deodorant,
and the Red Hot Chili Peppers recorded
a Christmas album.
The board's decided
you need to be rehabilitated.
You must empathize with your disciples.
And we believe the best way
to do that is for you to go to Earth
and answer a human's prayer.
[fax machine whirring]
Here are a few recent ones.
Let's see. Tuh-tuh-tuh.
Oh, a group of hikers got stuck
in a snowstorm.
They're starving
and one of them prayed for help.
I invented a solution to that ages ago.
I'll give you a hint.
It rhymes with "bannibalism."
Wait, here we go. Somebody
from the Higgins family sent a prayer
asking for you to save their family.
Perfect. You go down, connect with them,
help save their family,
and then you can come back.
And you'll live as one of them. Sort of.
What do you mean "sort of"?
[dramatic music playing]
What do you mean "sort of," Craig?
[screaming]
[continues screaming]
[God inhales deeply]
[exhales deeply]
What the f
[heavenly vocalization]
[theme music playing]
[Godcat gasping]
What happened to my washboard abs?
[gasps] My pecs look like
geriatric crêpes!
[gasps] And my toes look like
baked beans?
Yeah, no. I'll just cast a quick spell
and transform back into my God body.
- [grunting]
- [heavenly tone]
[all gasping]
What the? Where's the rest of my God bod?
[people gasping, screaming]
- Wait, I'm God!
- [girl gasps]
Hold up. Wait. I'm [grunts]
What's wrong with my powers?
[grunting]
[yelps]
[woman humming]
[car engine running]
Higgins?
It's you. Your family prayed for my help.
What the hell? You can talk! [gasps]
Behold. I am the holiest of holy molys.
I am God.
Jesus Christ!
Does this beard look like a goatee to you?
I said I'm God.
- [tires screeching]
- [Abbie grunting]
Hey, where'd you go?
- [grunting]
- [Godcat] Oh!
There you go, little chompster.
Just take a nice little nap.
Glad I sprung for that jumbo pack
of horse tranquilizers.
Harry, I nabbed a feral cat.
Possibly rabid. Definitely obese.
[cats meowing]
[groaning]
[Abbie] I'm punching out.
I gotta get home for a family game night.
Barf!
Not a board game fan?
In the Navy SEALs,
we learned to snap our own necks
in case of enemy capture.
I've only ever been tempted once,
playing Scattergories.
Hey, bud, how's it going?
Terrific, other than the fact
that I no longer have the morphology
necessary to use a toilet.
Why in the name
of Zeus' thundering butt cheeks
did you turn me into a cat?
To teach you to connect with humans.
You've reigned from above,
now you must empathize from below,
literally. At their little baby feet.
What about my powers?
Well the board wants you to solve problems
without any fancy tricks.
We did leave some of your spells intact
to help move things along.
But I'd stick to small miracles,
like turning muffins into cupcakes.
That's not a miracle. That's icing.
[laughs] Roger that, good buddy.
Now remember,
save the family, save yourself.
- We'll be checking on you. Poof!
- Poof!
Save a human family?
That's why I created sexy firemen.
[cats meowing]
Rise, my children.
- Rise!
- [meowing in unison]
Hold on. It's working.
- [panting]
- [heavenly tone]
Cats, assemble!
[music intensifies]
Ah-ya!
- [Harry] What the
- [Godcat laughing]
[gasps]
[dramatic music playing]
[cats growling]
- [vehicle door closes]
- [engine starts]
[Godcat panting, grunting]
[tires screeching]
[mysterious music playing]
Hmm. Why is my mouth filling with saliva?
This trash bird is disease-ridden,
yet so alluring.
[grunting] Like a buffet in Vegas.
Or Timothée Chalamet.
[grunting] Mmm.
[rattling]
Level five rainbow blast, activated!
[imitating laser gun fire]
Behold. 'Tis I, your Savior
[screams] A talking cat! [grunting]
Chill! Chill!
Yes, and you're a grown man playing
with toys. Now chill.
[panting]
Now listen up. I am God.
Well, Godcat for now,
and I'm here on Earth to answer a prayer.
Did you send it? I mean, right away,
I can see that you're wearing pants
that unzip to become shorts.
That seems on-brand
for someone who would say,
"Dear God, please help me."
God, huh? Whoa.
Hey, maybe you can answer a question
that has caused more arguments
than any other in the history of humanity.
Is it pronounced "GIF" or "JIF"?
It's pronounced, "Who gives
a Jupiter-sized barge of dog crap?"
- [phone chimes]
- Hey, it's almost time for game night.
Come on, you can meet my opponents.
They're also my family.
Great. The sooner I help you,
the sooner I can get back to Heaven.
I'm having a tanning bed delivered
on Friday,
and there's a Gorgon
who keeps stealing my packages.
[mysterious music playing]
Greta! Meet Godcat.
As his name suggests,
he's God in a cat's body.
Hello. Yes, I'm God.
Please kiss my feet
or present me with a sacrificial goat.
[laughs] Just kidding. But seriously,
a few toe kisses would be nice.
Possible case of toxoplasmosis,
resulting in increased cognitive ability.
Note, obtain stool sample. A god, you say?
So, does that make you omnipotent?
Wow. Personal much?
Just because I don't want kids,
doesn't mean I can't have kids.
These tadpoles of mine
could populate a clown car.
Ugh. No. "Omnipotent,"
the power to create anything.
And if you are all-powerful,
can you create a stone so heavy
that you cannot lift it?
Of course I can make-slash-lift a big,
stupid rock.
- In my regular God form, I'm quite swole.
- But you see the contradiction, right?
I see somebody licked
one too many nine-volt batteries as a kid.
I had a theory
that they generate new neural pathways,
but they just made my hair curly.
Come on. Game night starts in five.
[sighing]
Yo, yo, yo! It's me,
Travis the Travpocalypse! And today
Hey, Travis.
Remember how I told you God was dead?
- Well, I was wrong.
- Dad. I'm streaming!
Do I interrupt you when you practice
speaking Klingon in the mirror?
Travis went viral
when he was really little.
You put your right foot in
You take your right foot out ♪
You do the horkey porkey
And you turn yourself around ♪
[woman] The "horkey porkey"!
[all laughing]
Since then, he's been trying
to get Internet-famous for something else.
I offered to cosplay
as Conan the Barbarian for his livestream.
Oiled up my loincloth and everything.
Hey, shoutout to Buttsmasher6969
for liking my stream.
Remember to hit that like button,
and I'll write your name on my forehead.
[suspenseful music plays]
[mouse clicks]
[sighing]
Hooray! You're done
with your TwitchTok or whatever.
Come on, it's game night. I'll race ya.
[Marv laughing]
I'm guessing self-awareness
isn't his middle name.
Still better than my mom.
I asked her for a Switch last Christmas,
and she gave me a sharpened stick.
[Marv] Are y'all paying attention?
Okay, my board game is fairly simple
once you master the first 70 rules or so.
After we stop the Zombie Kittens,
a Mercat will rise.
The only way to defeat her is
to speak Cat-o-nese,
an ancient cat language I invented
for this game.
Now if we encounter a Rainbow Dragon,
the only way to stop it is
to use the Red Wand of Destiny.
But no one's ever
Every word you speak is
like a dagger made of Benadryl.
How your family's not rolled you
in a rug and set it on fire is beyond me.
Okay, I knew it was game night,
so I got Kegernet Sauvignon.
Calm down. It's not full.
I had some for breakfast.
You again!
Relax. I'm only here as a PR ploy
to make it look like I give a dump
about you people.
So just let me know
what you need help with,
and I'll be out of your hair.
Come on. Come on. Who here prayed
for help to save this family?
We don't pray in this family.
We catch prey,
mostly rats from the hole I dug out back.
It's how I maintain our supply
of rat jerky.
Wait, we've been eating rat jerky?
Uh, look, we'll discuss that later.
Let's get this game started.
[sighing]
[dramatic music plays]
So, Godcat, regarding rule number 147.
[gasps] Magical red dot.
- [dramatic music playing]
- [roars ferociously]
[roaring]
[all screaming]
I'm sorry.
I have no idea where that came from.
Red lasers must activate
some kind of cat berserker mode in me.
Can I be excused? This is worse
than that time Greta tricked me
into going dumpster diving
at the hospital.
But we found so many ears.
No. You're staying here
and playing the game I worked so hard on.
Dad, bro, for real? Bonding doesn't happen
by forcing your hobbies on us.
Meaningful connections are built
through mutual emotional cognizance.
Where did you learn that?
I was playing Steal Truck Drive Drive,
and I crashed through the window
of a therapist's office.
So I stayed and talked awhile.
Oh no! It's soaking into Zombie Cat.
Hang on. I can fix you.
Hey, Greta, let's go out back
and work on your knife skills.
Your throwing looks good,
but you've kind of plateaued on stabbing.
Actually I was hoping you'd listen
to my science fair presentation
and give me feedback.
- Sure. I'm always happy to make time for
- [phone beeping]
Oh, 9/11 Memorial Snuggies
are on QVC right now. Gotta run.
No.
- [dramatic music playing]
- [growls ferociously]
Da Vinci had his Vitruvian Man.
Now I, Greta Higgins,
have created Papier-mâché Man!
Ugh.
How odd that you claim
to have created man,
and yet you are ashamed
of his husbandry barnacles.
Just because you've made something
doesn't automatically mean
you want to see it again.
You think Spielberg's ever been like,
"Hey, let's throw on War Horse?"
- [switch clicks]
- Ah!
Look at it. Perfection.
Check out how I made butt cheeks
like little cushions.
Anywhere you go, bam, instant comfy chair.
I call my project
"The Flawed Design of the Human Body."
How dare you!
Yes. For starters, I, for one,
probably wouldn't have combined
the swallowing orifice
with the breathing orifice.
Oh great. The orifice police are here.
You try creating everything in six days.
When you're down to the wire,
some orifices are gonna get combined.
[electrical crackling]
I suppose we are both imperfect creators.
"Imperfect"?
Ever heard of a mantis shrimp?
It's incredible.
[Godcat] I put all my energy into it
to make it beautiful, powerful,
and, like, super freaking violent.
[intense music playing]
Well of course I know
what a mantis shrimp is.
If I could bring one of those in
for my project,
that would get me the win for sure.
Okay. Okay.
Hold on.
Dear God, please help me.
Pound-nine-four-one-star.
[dialing tone]
Cheryl, hi.
It's me. Glad I caught you at your desk.
Listen, can you teleport me
a mantis shrimp?
[mystical tone]
[mantis shrimp screeching]
[banging]
Yeah. Here we go.
[grunting, laughing]
Looks like he's hungry.
Do grocery stores here sell platypus meat?
[laughs]
And in conclusion, what you might refer to
as the fleshy flip-flop
at the back
of your throat serves no purpose.
Um. Excuse me,
that was meant to be decorative,
like a little meat chandelier.
Oh. Why is science fair attendance
mandatory at this school?
- Listen, Traffic
- Travis.
Trashfist, shut that burrito vacuum
of yours. She's getting to the good part.
[people yawning]
But I bet you're wondering if
the human form is so inferior,
what is the greatest creature on Earth?
[all gasping]
- Behold. The mantis
- Behold. The mantis
[mantis shrimp screeching]
[all gasping]
[dramatic music playing]
[screeching]
Why am I not streaming this?
My followers will love this way more
than me eating mulch again.
- [beeping]
- [people scream]
- [screeching continues]
- [music continues]
[people screaming]
Well, I hope you're happy, Godcat.
And I'm saying that the way people do
when they hope someone's not happy.
Don't blame Godcat. If anyone
in this family had taken an interest
in my academic endeavors,
I wouldn't have had to ask him.
Hey, I'm only here
because one of you prayed for my help!
Stop saying that.
Nobody prayed. This isn't Utah.
[groaning] Okay. I didn't want to do this
since it violates
human-deity privacy laws, but whatever.
Let's see. January 25th, 6:10 p.m.
Dear God, my family's a mess.
My husband still gets Spider-Man henna
at the county fair.
My daughter is
like a computer going through puberty,
and my son's goal in life is
to be famous for eating six pounds
of soft-shelled crab on YouTube.
[gasping]
That wasn't a prayer!
Any phrase that begins
with "Dear God" qualifies as a prayer.
[chuckling] Believe me,
it drives the IT guy up the wall.
A pubescent computer?
Sorry I don't wanna follow
in your footsteps
and go to Murder College.
My bulk-eating videos are beloved
by people young and old!
Admittedly, mostly old.
Specifically, one guy who keeps asking me
for pictures of my mouth.
You said you liked those tattoos.
You You called me your Peter Parker.
[soft music playing]
[growling]
[purring] Meow?
[dramatic music plays]
I am driving you out
into the woods and leaving you there.
The woods? Oh.
That was the other thing
on Earth I just totally phoned in.
It's like nature's storage unit.
I can't believe what you did!
Hey, don't blame me!
You're the one who hates your family.
I don't hate my family.
Marv's the sweetest man I've ever known.
And my kids they're good kids,
but we're just slowly growing apart.
Fine. Say no more,
mostly because I don't care.
Soon Greta will go off to college,
and Travis will get into vaping
or rollerblading or roller vaping,
and then it'll just be me and Marv
drifting apart, one board game at a time.
- [screaming]
- [car honking]
[clicking]
Your blinker is on, idiot!
[suspenseful music playing]
[grumbling]
Turn off your blinker! [gasps]
[music intensifies]
Whoa, easy there, Colonel Kurtz.
You went from zero
to homicide in, like, five seconds.
- [tires screeching]
- [car horn blaring]
[car crashing]
Ah, I love being a model citizen.
Wait, that's it.
Marv is into these boring games
while Abbie thrives on action.
Greta craves problem-solving,
and Trashfist likes mindless gore.
I just need to connect those things.
[gasps]
I know what I need to do.
- [mystical tone]
- [Godcat groaning]
[crickets chirping]
[vase shattering]
You!
Sorry, I needed your attention.
Also, oddly, this is super satisfying.
- [vase shattering]
- It's like popping bubble wrap.
Anyway, I had this epiphany
that you need to find something
you can all enjoy together.
Here, watch.
Abra-cat-dabra!
[all grunting]
I figured I'd shrink you down
to play a life-sized version
of Marv's board game.
Yes! I I play it close to the vest,
but I'm actually very
into tabletop gaming.
Right. Let's see. Da Here we go.
First up, you are attacked
by a horde of Zombie Kittens.
[dramatic music playing]
Oh, one other little thing,
these game pieces can totally kill you.
I mean what better way to bond as a family
than through shared trauma? Right?
Wait, what?
[all screaming, moaning]
You have the right to remain
dead.
Mom, for real?
Zombie gaming 101, headshots only.
Here, watch.
[zombie kittens grunting]
[Abbie gasps]
Okay, what's next?
"A Mercat will rise
and sing its siren song."
[Mercat squeaking]
[mystical tone]
[squeaks]
[high-pitched scream]
Remember the game rules?
We have to stop it by speaking Cat-o-nese!
You no can has scritchy-witchy!
Hiss-hiss, meo Dammit. That's not right.
I'm not supposed to inflect on scritchy.
You no can has meow-meow on our fuzznoms!
Be gone!
Meow!
[mystical tone]
Abbie, you learned Cat-o-nese?
I I don't know what to say!
You practiced in the shower for months.
It's stuck in my brain like a blood clot.
Wow! There's some serious bonding
going on here.
Now just one last monster,
the Rainbow Dragon.
Wait, I never finished sculpting
a figurine for the Rainbow Dragon.
No need. We've already got one.
[dramatic music playing]
[roaring]
[all screaming]
[growling]
Father, don't your rules say
we have to defeat it
using the Red Wand of Destiny?
But it's just a wild animal
on a game board! My rules don't apply.
[gasps] I think they do.
- [music continues]
- [all screaming]
[all groaning]
[moaning]
[screeching]
[gasping]
Magical red dot.
- [roaring ferociously]
- [intense music playing]
[all cheering]
[roaring]
Can we get big again?
I gotta use the toilet.
[soft music playing]
[inaudible]
[inaudible]
[chimes]
[music fades]
Okay, I did your stupid rehab assignment.
I cared about these losers.
You know, empathy.
- Poof!
- Poof!
We saw great work
from a PR standpoint, sir.
I found myself actually rooting
for the crybaby gamer kid
not to have his limbs torn from his torso.
Plot twist!
Great. Okay, so time to beam me up.
Actually, the board feels
you still have a lot of making up to do.
War, inequality,
nautically themed bathrooms,
the smell that emanates
from a Subway restaurant,
people who say "in bed"
after you read a fortune cookie.
Oh, you'll have to stay down here
and live with this family
for a little while longer, I'm afraid.
But, hey, the good news is you have us.
Just know Craig and Aslandeus
are up there rooting for you.
Nautical bathrooms? That's not fair.
I created the ocean
and the humans ran with it.
- Poof!
- Poof!
[groans]
[cat meowing]
[ominous music playing]
["Booty Swing" by Parov Stelar playing]
Arab sheiks on the burning sands ♪
[gasping]
♪and clap their hands ♪
Said, "Come on, girls
Are you ready to play?" ♪
You!
Mw-ha-ha-ha. [laughing]
[coughing, choking]
[clears throat]
[laughs] Mmm.
["Booty Swing" continues playing]
[scatting]
Gypsy caravans have changed their mode ♪
They truck down the Romany road ♪
With their hi-de-hos
And their hey-hey-diddle ♪
Doin' the swing on the Gypsy fiddle ♪
[vocalizing]
[song ends]
[ethereal music playing]
[slurps, exhales]
[phone ringing]
God, the board will see you now.
We called you in today
because of the incident
that occurred last night
at your condo at approximately 1:53 a.m.
Look, I'm sorry
about last night's little ordeal.
It was, uh [chuckling]
a wild night.
"Little ordeal"? First,
you put on that nature documentary again,
the one about the pterodactyls mating.
- [pterodactyls screeching]
- [God] Mmm [chuckles]
Dude, it's weirding everyone out.
Why do you keep watching that?
Then you passed out drunk
with a DiGiorno in the oven
- [pterodactyls screeching]
- [God chuckles, moans]
[snoring]
[fire alarm ringing]
And burned down
the entire west end of Heaven.
[people screaming]
I mean, not all of it.
The Margaritaville survived. [chuckles]
Oh. And you blew up all of our unicorns.
[unicorns neighing]
Oh, boo-hoo.
They're ponies with face boners.
I did you a favor.
Look, it's not just the fire.
Earth is also a mess.
You left the tornado machine running,
humans have invented
pumpkin spice deodorant,
and the Red Hot Chili Peppers recorded
a Christmas album.
The board's decided
you need to be rehabilitated.
You must empathize with your disciples.
And we believe the best way
to do that is for you to go to Earth
and answer a human's prayer.
[fax machine whirring]
Here are a few recent ones.
Let's see. Tuh-tuh-tuh.
Oh, a group of hikers got stuck
in a snowstorm.
They're starving
and one of them prayed for help.
I invented a solution to that ages ago.
I'll give you a hint.
It rhymes with "bannibalism."
Wait, here we go. Somebody
from the Higgins family sent a prayer
asking for you to save their family.
Perfect. You go down, connect with them,
help save their family,
and then you can come back.
And you'll live as one of them. Sort of.
What do you mean "sort of"?
[dramatic music playing]
What do you mean "sort of," Craig?
[screaming]
[continues screaming]
[God inhales deeply]
[exhales deeply]
What the f
[heavenly vocalization]
[theme music playing]
[Godcat gasping]
What happened to my washboard abs?
[gasps] My pecs look like
geriatric crêpes!
[gasps] And my toes look like
baked beans?
Yeah, no. I'll just cast a quick spell
and transform back into my God body.
- [grunting]
- [heavenly tone]
[all gasping]
What the? Where's the rest of my God bod?
[people gasping, screaming]
- Wait, I'm God!
- [girl gasps]
Hold up. Wait. I'm [grunts]
What's wrong with my powers?
[grunting]
[yelps]
[woman humming]
[car engine running]
Higgins?
It's you. Your family prayed for my help.
What the hell? You can talk! [gasps]
Behold. I am the holiest of holy molys.
I am God.
Jesus Christ!
Does this beard look like a goatee to you?
I said I'm God.
- [tires screeching]
- [Abbie grunting]
Hey, where'd you go?
- [grunting]
- [Godcat] Oh!
There you go, little chompster.
Just take a nice little nap.
Glad I sprung for that jumbo pack
of horse tranquilizers.
Harry, I nabbed a feral cat.
Possibly rabid. Definitely obese.
[cats meowing]
[groaning]
[Abbie] I'm punching out.
I gotta get home for a family game night.
Barf!
Not a board game fan?
In the Navy SEALs,
we learned to snap our own necks
in case of enemy capture.
I've only ever been tempted once,
playing Scattergories.
Hey, bud, how's it going?
Terrific, other than the fact
that I no longer have the morphology
necessary to use a toilet.
Why in the name
of Zeus' thundering butt cheeks
did you turn me into a cat?
To teach you to connect with humans.
You've reigned from above,
now you must empathize from below,
literally. At their little baby feet.
What about my powers?
Well the board wants you to solve problems
without any fancy tricks.
We did leave some of your spells intact
to help move things along.
But I'd stick to small miracles,
like turning muffins into cupcakes.
That's not a miracle. That's icing.
[laughs] Roger that, good buddy.
Now remember,
save the family, save yourself.
- We'll be checking on you. Poof!
- Poof!
Save a human family?
That's why I created sexy firemen.
[cats meowing]
Rise, my children.
- Rise!
- [meowing in unison]
Hold on. It's working.
- [panting]
- [heavenly tone]
Cats, assemble!
[music intensifies]
Ah-ya!
- [Harry] What the
- [Godcat laughing]
[gasps]
[dramatic music playing]
[cats growling]
- [vehicle door closes]
- [engine starts]
[Godcat panting, grunting]
[tires screeching]
[mysterious music playing]
Hmm. Why is my mouth filling with saliva?
This trash bird is disease-ridden,
yet so alluring.
[grunting] Like a buffet in Vegas.
Or Timothée Chalamet.
[grunting] Mmm.
[rattling]
Level five rainbow blast, activated!
[imitating laser gun fire]
Behold. 'Tis I, your Savior
[screams] A talking cat! [grunting]
Chill! Chill!
Yes, and you're a grown man playing
with toys. Now chill.
[panting]
Now listen up. I am God.
Well, Godcat for now,
and I'm here on Earth to answer a prayer.
Did you send it? I mean, right away,
I can see that you're wearing pants
that unzip to become shorts.
That seems on-brand
for someone who would say,
"Dear God, please help me."
God, huh? Whoa.
Hey, maybe you can answer a question
that has caused more arguments
than any other in the history of humanity.
Is it pronounced "GIF" or "JIF"?
It's pronounced, "Who gives
a Jupiter-sized barge of dog crap?"
- [phone chimes]
- Hey, it's almost time for game night.
Come on, you can meet my opponents.
They're also my family.
Great. The sooner I help you,
the sooner I can get back to Heaven.
I'm having a tanning bed delivered
on Friday,
and there's a Gorgon
who keeps stealing my packages.
[mysterious music playing]
Greta! Meet Godcat.
As his name suggests,
he's God in a cat's body.
Hello. Yes, I'm God.
Please kiss my feet
or present me with a sacrificial goat.
[laughs] Just kidding. But seriously,
a few toe kisses would be nice.
Possible case of toxoplasmosis,
resulting in increased cognitive ability.
Note, obtain stool sample. A god, you say?
So, does that make you omnipotent?
Wow. Personal much?
Just because I don't want kids,
doesn't mean I can't have kids.
These tadpoles of mine
could populate a clown car.
Ugh. No. "Omnipotent,"
the power to create anything.
And if you are all-powerful,
can you create a stone so heavy
that you cannot lift it?
Of course I can make-slash-lift a big,
stupid rock.
- In my regular God form, I'm quite swole.
- But you see the contradiction, right?
I see somebody licked
one too many nine-volt batteries as a kid.
I had a theory
that they generate new neural pathways,
but they just made my hair curly.
Come on. Game night starts in five.
[sighing]
Yo, yo, yo! It's me,
Travis the Travpocalypse! And today
Hey, Travis.
Remember how I told you God was dead?
- Well, I was wrong.
- Dad. I'm streaming!
Do I interrupt you when you practice
speaking Klingon in the mirror?
Travis went viral
when he was really little.
You put your right foot in
You take your right foot out ♪
You do the horkey porkey
And you turn yourself around ♪
[woman] The "horkey porkey"!
[all laughing]
Since then, he's been trying
to get Internet-famous for something else.
I offered to cosplay
as Conan the Barbarian for his livestream.
Oiled up my loincloth and everything.
Hey, shoutout to Buttsmasher6969
for liking my stream.
Remember to hit that like button,
and I'll write your name on my forehead.
[suspenseful music plays]
[mouse clicks]
[sighing]
Hooray! You're done
with your TwitchTok or whatever.
Come on, it's game night. I'll race ya.
[Marv laughing]
I'm guessing self-awareness
isn't his middle name.
Still better than my mom.
I asked her for a Switch last Christmas,
and she gave me a sharpened stick.
[Marv] Are y'all paying attention?
Okay, my board game is fairly simple
once you master the first 70 rules or so.
After we stop the Zombie Kittens,
a Mercat will rise.
The only way to defeat her is
to speak Cat-o-nese,
an ancient cat language I invented
for this game.
Now if we encounter a Rainbow Dragon,
the only way to stop it is
to use the Red Wand of Destiny.
But no one's ever
Every word you speak is
like a dagger made of Benadryl.
How your family's not rolled you
in a rug and set it on fire is beyond me.
Okay, I knew it was game night,
so I got Kegernet Sauvignon.
Calm down. It's not full.
I had some for breakfast.
You again!
Relax. I'm only here as a PR ploy
to make it look like I give a dump
about you people.
So just let me know
what you need help with,
and I'll be out of your hair.
Come on. Come on. Who here prayed
for help to save this family?
We don't pray in this family.
We catch prey,
mostly rats from the hole I dug out back.
It's how I maintain our supply
of rat jerky.
Wait, we've been eating rat jerky?
Uh, look, we'll discuss that later.
Let's get this game started.
[sighing]
[dramatic music plays]
So, Godcat, regarding rule number 147.
[gasps] Magical red dot.
- [dramatic music playing]
- [roars ferociously]
[roaring]
[all screaming]
I'm sorry.
I have no idea where that came from.
Red lasers must activate
some kind of cat berserker mode in me.
Can I be excused? This is worse
than that time Greta tricked me
into going dumpster diving
at the hospital.
But we found so many ears.
No. You're staying here
and playing the game I worked so hard on.
Dad, bro, for real? Bonding doesn't happen
by forcing your hobbies on us.
Meaningful connections are built
through mutual emotional cognizance.
Where did you learn that?
I was playing Steal Truck Drive Drive,
and I crashed through the window
of a therapist's office.
So I stayed and talked awhile.
Oh no! It's soaking into Zombie Cat.
Hang on. I can fix you.
Hey, Greta, let's go out back
and work on your knife skills.
Your throwing looks good,
but you've kind of plateaued on stabbing.
Actually I was hoping you'd listen
to my science fair presentation
and give me feedback.
- Sure. I'm always happy to make time for
- [phone beeping]
Oh, 9/11 Memorial Snuggies
are on QVC right now. Gotta run.
No.
- [dramatic music playing]
- [growls ferociously]
Da Vinci had his Vitruvian Man.
Now I, Greta Higgins,
have created Papier-mâché Man!
Ugh.
How odd that you claim
to have created man,
and yet you are ashamed
of his husbandry barnacles.
Just because you've made something
doesn't automatically mean
you want to see it again.
You think Spielberg's ever been like,
"Hey, let's throw on War Horse?"
- [switch clicks]
- Ah!
Look at it. Perfection.
Check out how I made butt cheeks
like little cushions.
Anywhere you go, bam, instant comfy chair.
I call my project
"The Flawed Design of the Human Body."
How dare you!
Yes. For starters, I, for one,
probably wouldn't have combined
the swallowing orifice
with the breathing orifice.
Oh great. The orifice police are here.
You try creating everything in six days.
When you're down to the wire,
some orifices are gonna get combined.
[electrical crackling]
I suppose we are both imperfect creators.
"Imperfect"?
Ever heard of a mantis shrimp?
It's incredible.
[Godcat] I put all my energy into it
to make it beautiful, powerful,
and, like, super freaking violent.
[intense music playing]
Well of course I know
what a mantis shrimp is.
If I could bring one of those in
for my project,
that would get me the win for sure.
Okay. Okay.
Hold on.
Dear God, please help me.
Pound-nine-four-one-star.
[dialing tone]
Cheryl, hi.
It's me. Glad I caught you at your desk.
Listen, can you teleport me
a mantis shrimp?
[mystical tone]
[mantis shrimp screeching]
[banging]
Yeah. Here we go.
[grunting, laughing]
Looks like he's hungry.
Do grocery stores here sell platypus meat?
[laughs]
And in conclusion, what you might refer to
as the fleshy flip-flop
at the back
of your throat serves no purpose.
Um. Excuse me,
that was meant to be decorative,
like a little meat chandelier.
Oh. Why is science fair attendance
mandatory at this school?
- Listen, Traffic
- Travis.
Trashfist, shut that burrito vacuum
of yours. She's getting to the good part.
[people yawning]
But I bet you're wondering if
the human form is so inferior,
what is the greatest creature on Earth?
[all gasping]
- Behold. The mantis
- Behold. The mantis
[mantis shrimp screeching]
[all gasping]
[dramatic music playing]
[screeching]
Why am I not streaming this?
My followers will love this way more
than me eating mulch again.
- [beeping]
- [people scream]
- [screeching continues]
- [music continues]
[people screaming]
Well, I hope you're happy, Godcat.
And I'm saying that the way people do
when they hope someone's not happy.
Don't blame Godcat. If anyone
in this family had taken an interest
in my academic endeavors,
I wouldn't have had to ask him.
Hey, I'm only here
because one of you prayed for my help!
Stop saying that.
Nobody prayed. This isn't Utah.
[groaning] Okay. I didn't want to do this
since it violates
human-deity privacy laws, but whatever.
Let's see. January 25th, 6:10 p.m.
Dear God, my family's a mess.
My husband still gets Spider-Man henna
at the county fair.
My daughter is
like a computer going through puberty,
and my son's goal in life is
to be famous for eating six pounds
of soft-shelled crab on YouTube.
[gasping]
That wasn't a prayer!
Any phrase that begins
with "Dear God" qualifies as a prayer.
[chuckling] Believe me,
it drives the IT guy up the wall.
A pubescent computer?
Sorry I don't wanna follow
in your footsteps
and go to Murder College.
My bulk-eating videos are beloved
by people young and old!
Admittedly, mostly old.
Specifically, one guy who keeps asking me
for pictures of my mouth.
You said you liked those tattoos.
You You called me your Peter Parker.
[soft music playing]
[growling]
[purring] Meow?
[dramatic music plays]
I am driving you out
into the woods and leaving you there.
The woods? Oh.
That was the other thing
on Earth I just totally phoned in.
It's like nature's storage unit.
I can't believe what you did!
Hey, don't blame me!
You're the one who hates your family.
I don't hate my family.
Marv's the sweetest man I've ever known.
And my kids they're good kids,
but we're just slowly growing apart.
Fine. Say no more,
mostly because I don't care.
Soon Greta will go off to college,
and Travis will get into vaping
or rollerblading or roller vaping,
and then it'll just be me and Marv
drifting apart, one board game at a time.
- [screaming]
- [car honking]
[clicking]
Your blinker is on, idiot!
[suspenseful music playing]
[grumbling]
Turn off your blinker! [gasps]
[music intensifies]
Whoa, easy there, Colonel Kurtz.
You went from zero
to homicide in, like, five seconds.
- [tires screeching]
- [car horn blaring]
[car crashing]
Ah, I love being a model citizen.
Wait, that's it.
Marv is into these boring games
while Abbie thrives on action.
Greta craves problem-solving,
and Trashfist likes mindless gore.
I just need to connect those things.
[gasps]
I know what I need to do.
- [mystical tone]
- [Godcat groaning]
[crickets chirping]
[vase shattering]
You!
Sorry, I needed your attention.
Also, oddly, this is super satisfying.
- [vase shattering]
- It's like popping bubble wrap.
Anyway, I had this epiphany
that you need to find something
you can all enjoy together.
Here, watch.
Abra-cat-dabra!
[all grunting]
I figured I'd shrink you down
to play a life-sized version
of Marv's board game.
Yes! I I play it close to the vest,
but I'm actually very
into tabletop gaming.
Right. Let's see. Da Here we go.
First up, you are attacked
by a horde of Zombie Kittens.
[dramatic music playing]
Oh, one other little thing,
these game pieces can totally kill you.
I mean what better way to bond as a family
than through shared trauma? Right?
Wait, what?
[all screaming, moaning]
You have the right to remain
dead.
Mom, for real?
Zombie gaming 101, headshots only.
Here, watch.
[zombie kittens grunting]
[Abbie gasps]
Okay, what's next?
"A Mercat will rise
and sing its siren song."
[Mercat squeaking]
[mystical tone]
[squeaks]
[high-pitched scream]
Remember the game rules?
We have to stop it by speaking Cat-o-nese!
You no can has scritchy-witchy!
Hiss-hiss, meo Dammit. That's not right.
I'm not supposed to inflect on scritchy.
You no can has meow-meow on our fuzznoms!
Be gone!
Meow!
[mystical tone]
Abbie, you learned Cat-o-nese?
I I don't know what to say!
You practiced in the shower for months.
It's stuck in my brain like a blood clot.
Wow! There's some serious bonding
going on here.
Now just one last monster,
the Rainbow Dragon.
Wait, I never finished sculpting
a figurine for the Rainbow Dragon.
No need. We've already got one.
[dramatic music playing]
[roaring]
[all screaming]
[growling]
Father, don't your rules say
we have to defeat it
using the Red Wand of Destiny?
But it's just a wild animal
on a game board! My rules don't apply.
[gasps] I think they do.
- [music continues]
- [all screaming]
[all groaning]
[moaning]
[screeching]
[gasping]
Magical red dot.
- [roaring ferociously]
- [intense music playing]
[all cheering]
[roaring]
Can we get big again?
I gotta use the toilet.
[soft music playing]
[inaudible]
[inaudible]
[chimes]
[music fades]
Okay, I did your stupid rehab assignment.
I cared about these losers.
You know, empathy.
- Poof!
- Poof!
We saw great work
from a PR standpoint, sir.
I found myself actually rooting
for the crybaby gamer kid
not to have his limbs torn from his torso.
Plot twist!
Great. Okay, so time to beam me up.
Actually, the board feels
you still have a lot of making up to do.
War, inequality,
nautically themed bathrooms,
the smell that emanates
from a Subway restaurant,
people who say "in bed"
after you read a fortune cookie.
Oh, you'll have to stay down here
and live with this family
for a little while longer, I'm afraid.
But, hey, the good news is you have us.
Just know Craig and Aslandeus
are up there rooting for you.
Nautical bathrooms? That's not fair.
I created the ocean
and the humans ran with it.
- Poof!
- Poof!
[groans]
[cat meowing]
[ominous music playing]
["Booty Swing" by Parov Stelar playing]
Arab sheiks on the burning sands ♪
[gasping]
♪and clap their hands ♪
Said, "Come on, girls
Are you ready to play?" ♪
You!
Mw-ha-ha-ha. [laughing]
[coughing, choking]
[clears throat]
[laughs] Mmm.
["Booty Swing" continues playing]
[scatting]
Gypsy caravans have changed their mode ♪
They truck down the Romany road ♪
With their hi-de-hos
And their hey-hey-diddle ♪
Doin' the swing on the Gypsy fiddle ♪
[vocalizing]
[song ends]