Faking It (2014) s01e01 Episode Script

What time is it? people pick out clothes? I'm guessing they wear a lot of sweatpants.
You're not still serious about this.
Of course I am.
It's a great plan.
Tell me again how this will rescue us from obscurity, because yesterday it sounded Crazier than Shia Labeouf's Twitter feed.
Hold on.
Morning, muffin.
Hey, mom, I'm on the phone.
Oh, happy Friday, Amy.
I made you some chamomile tea.
Your chart indicates a major cosmic shift that might upset your tummy.
Let's hope so, but I should go.
Amy's in crisis.
- Oh, no, what happened? - Her hamster died.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah, she needs me.
Bye.
You know I'm creeped out by rodents as pets.
I know, it was the first thing I could think of.
Why can't I have a normal mother? Rise and shine.
You and me both.
Anyway, you were explaining this plan.
Right, so we live in Austin, a blue oasis in the red sea of Texas.
Yup.
Haven't forgotten.
And our high school is so tolerant and accepting, the outcasts are the in crowd.
- Just tell me the plan.
- I found a way in.
Trust me.
They'll never see it coming.
See? People are wondering what happened to me.
Me too.
How are we gonna explain to people you went blind last night? Brain tumor pressing on my optic nerve, which I'll have removed to make a triumphant return.
Preferably at prom.
Here.
With a name like "Karma," you should be more cautious of your schemes.
I'm just trying to get us into Shane Harvey's party tomorrow.
Why? We hate high school during the day.
I doubt we'd like it better at night after it's been drinking.
Heads-up! Damn it! Maybe people will believe your other senses are heightened.
I can't spend another Friday night watching Netflix.
I'm at the end of my queue.
We gotta try something new.
Ooh, there's this documentary on child slavery in Bangladesh.
Amy, we are teetering on the edge of the social ladder.
If we fall off in high school, we'll never get back on, and then we'll grow into socially awkward weirdos who make their own organic juices and sell them at farmers' markets.
- Like your parents? - Correct.
I mean, epic high school parties are a critical rite of passage for normal people.
Really? Because I just read that kids these days are chugging jugs of hand sanitizer.
Cute boys are chugging hand sanitizer and then lowering their standards.
Okay, horndog.
Need I remind you that cute boys make you so nervous, you barf? I have overcome that affliction.
You two are gonna have to move.
You're sitting in my light.
The sun is your light? Sorry, Kim Jong-Un, this ain't North Korea.
Any other school in Texas and you wouldn't dare talk to me like that.
But no, my stupid daddy had to sign up for Christian mingle and fall for a weather girl.
My mom is a meteorologist.
Whatever, she's the reason I'm here at this Kumbaya socialist freak show of a high school.
The one perk is I can work on my base tan at lunch.
Lisbeth.
Spread out the blanket.
It's Elizabeth.
Lauren, I'm not thrilled our parents are engaged either, but don't piss me off.
I have access to your toothbrush.
How dare you threaten me in my own home? It was my home first.
You've got five seconds to hop in your canoe and paddle back to the isle of lesbos, so I can get my vitamin D.
Is that a real place? And if so, can we come? This is none of your business, Anderson Cooper.
Bullying the gays.
Someone reeks of the late '90s.
No, I think she's doing some sort of performance art piece.
- We applaud your commitment.
- Oh, brava.
Austin.
Anyplace else in Texas and I would own you bitches.
Leila, Lisbeth! Ladies, my apologies for that hairball of hate.
Yeah, last week I took her parking spot, and she called me a communist.
You can't take it personally.
Hi.
I'm Liam.
Shane.
And you are I-I I'm Amy.
That was Karma.
She's got really bad cramps.
Well, if she feels up to it, you two should totally come to my party tomorrow.
Okay, thanks.
Sometimes she passes out when she vomits, so I should go spot her.
You know how I've always wanted lesbian friends? They're perfect.
I didn't realize it would be this intimidating.
Everyone's so much sluttier than they are at school.
Seriously, this place must be dripping with HPV.
Can we go? We just need to relax.
You know what'll help? Alcohol.
I'm not getting drunk around these people.
Be right back.
Everyone's wearing too many clothes.
Better.
Why aren't you dancing? Nice house.
What's the square footage? I don't remember inviting you, Lauren.
You should be thanking us for being here.
Look at all these bowwows.
The man said shoo.
I'm sure somewhere there's a young republican sock hop where you're missed.
Joke's on you.
I'm not wearing any socks today.
I got a blister at practice, and coach told me to let it breathe.
Please stop talking about your feet.
And we're not leaving.
We're the front-runners for homecoming king and queen.
People expect us to make an appearance.
No one here cares about that outdated patriarchal tradition.
Sure they do.
They're just pretending not to.
You see, there is a natural order to high school, and all of this is against nature.
But I'm here now, and I'm gonna set things straight.
Pun intended.
Tommy, let's go.
There's a bouncy castle? No way.
She can't do that, can she? She's delusional.
Don't let her get to you.
Shhp.
Thanks.
I am so sorry.
- I know.
- It was crazy.
Hey, you made it.
Hey.
Great party.
So much fun.
Thanks.
My friend's getting us beers.
She'll be right back.
And she's much better at small talk.
Your friend, right.
Wink, wink.
Nudge, nudge.
Just tell me who went under the covers first.
Excuse me? I won't blab.
Gay scout's honor.
I just really want us to be friends.
I've been craving lesbian energy in my life.
Look, I'm oddly flattered, but I'm not gay.
I'm just gonna flip on this closet light for a sec, so we can talk, okay? You're gay.
And it's okay.
There's no shame.
I promise, not ashamed of anything.
I was you once, so terrified of rejection, it took me forever to come out.
But once I did, fourth grade got so much better.
Trust me.
Thanks again for the party.
I need to not be here anymore.
I feel like such an ass.
You're not the one who puked all over the floor.
No, but I am the one who dumped two beers on you and now your top is see-through.
Could you just pretend like you didn't see those? Yeah, if you insist.
But it's not gonna be easy.
Where have you been, Pooh Bear? - Who's this bitch? - Whoa, Brandi, you're drunk.
He's mine, so keep those nipples to yourself.
That was my goal from the beginning, I promise.
Look, I am not your boyfriend.
We're just good friends who occasionally have sex, but if that's too confusing for you, then we have to stop.
Fine.
Hey, watch it! I'll leave my window unlocked.
What? Nothing.
Look, I'm not a douche bag, all right? I'm always clear about my ground rules.
And girls, they always agree to them, and then they get Clingy? Women are genetically wired to mate and start a family.
In fact, if we weren't, our entire species would've died out, so have some respect.
It's handy having a lesbian around here - to explain these things to me.
- Uh, what? Karma, we're leaving.
Someone likes 'em bossy.
- Liam thinks I'm a lesbian.
- Who cares? Let's just go home, put on PJs, and watch House Hunters.
May I have your attention? Two friends of ours are scared tonight.
They're hiding in this teeny, tiny, dark, little closet, afraid to come out, afraid we'll reject them.
Here at Hester High, we do things differently.
We accept everyone.
Can I get an "Amen," Brenda? Amen.
But how do we prove to them that we're not your typical high school That we accept them, that they're safe? There's only one way I can think of.
Let's elect them homecoming queens! All hail the queens! All hail the queens! All hail the queens! All hail the queens! I told you we shouldn't have come.
All hail the queens! All hail the queens! We'll just walk in and tell them we're not gay.
Thank God the voting age is 18.
Teenagers are idiots.
I don't know.
Maybe we should see how this plays out.
You're kidding, right? They think we're lesbians.
It's ridiculous.
I don't even like looking at my own vagina.
Amy, we were invited to the hottest party of the year.
We've been nominated for homecoming queen.
You have to admit this is working for us.
Small problem, we're not gay.
Everyone has a lesbian phase in college.
We're just moving ours up.
What about Liam? He thinks we're a couple.
Straight guys love lesbians.
Just watch any porno.
And last night, I swear he flirted with me.
Okay, when we get to school, we're going straight to the nurse's office.
I think you might have head trauma.
Why is that so hard to believe? Because Liam Booker can have any girl in school.
Why would he want me? Thanks.
Karma, for the millionth time, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that.
I just don't want you to get hurt.
When you thought that your yo-yo routine could get you on America's Got Talent, did I try and stop you? No, you let me make a fool of myself on national television.
My moms and I baked these for you two.
They're gluten-free.
You got my vote.
Maybe I want to get hurt.
Maybe I want to feel something other than boredom.
Well, I'm sorry if spending time with me is so boring.
Hey, are you two free this afternoon? Photo shoot in the art quad for the school's Tumblr.
Don't do that! Do not make this about you! Right, because God forbid it's not about you for one second.
I kind of need to know now, so I can tell Ivy What are you talking about? Photo shoot this afternoon.
Right now you two are all the school can talk about.
- Look, we're not - Going to deny our public.
Are we, sugar bear? What are you doing? She hates it when I call her that.
We'll be there.
I'll see you at lunch.
Made your favorite.
Tuna salad.
They're here, they're queer, they need your votes.
Nice work, minions.
- Anything to help the gays.
- Yeah.
Anyone else think the lipstick one is kind of sexy? Typical male, determined to prove your virility - by turning a lesbian straight.
- Ugh! Hey, guys, look at Lauren spinning out.
Don't stare.
It's rude.
What the hell are you doing? Talk to you later.
You guys make a really cute couple.
Thanks, and congrats on the twins.
I'm seizing an opportunity.
Last week a total of three people in this school knew our names, and one of them was Irma the Lunch Lady.
Today everyone loves us.
You have to admit, this feels awesome.
I have been getting a lot of free baked goods.
Let's just go with it.
See what happens.
You know I'm a terrible liar.
Don't think of it as lying.
Think of it as a gift to your oldest and dearest friend.
The one who never told anyone that you got pubes in second grade.
Shh.
Come on, we're getting a photo shoot.
You know how long I've been perfecting my smize.
It'll pop more when I'm wearing my fake eyelashes.
I guess that makes me the butch one.
Great.
We're agreed.
Now I've gotta go put these on.
It'll take me at least an hour.
There's Gasoline in your heart That is really trippy.
What does it mean? It's art.
It means whatever you think it means.
Well, I think the horse represents you.
And it's bound in barbed wire, so I'm gonna guess you've been hurt.
I mean, these horseshoes clearly represent the walls you've built up to keep everyone out, so you never get hurt again.
Interesting theory.
What, you got all of that out of this? Your art says a lot.
It's really good.
I can never ever show you But there's always nighttime I wish it wasn't just Where is she? Karma would be late to her own funeral.
Drives me bonkers, but I love her.
His lips are the perfect blend of soft and firm.
They're like two tiny Tempur-Pedics on his face.
And his eyes, it's like they're peering into my soul.
You said the same thing about Ryan Seacrest.
Well, this is different.
Liam's parents are rich, but he drives a beat-up biodiesel, which means he's socially aware.
His best friends are a gay guy and a feminist, which means he's tolerant and accepting of strong women.
And he's an artist, which means that deep down inside he's wounded.
If only he were a vampire, he'd be perfect.
Now shut up.
Gym class was torture enough.
Okay, I don't know what crawled up your butt today, but I hope it crawls back out by our speech at homecoming assembly.
Yeah, I'm not going to that.
What are you talking about? I'm done pretending I'm a lesbian, and I'm not gonna do it anymore.
But being gay is the best thing that ever happened to us.
No, it's the best thing that's ever happened to you.
You got your popularity and your photo spread and your kiss with Liam.
I never wanted any of this.
Then why did you go along with it? Because you're my best friend and I wanted you to be happy.
Well, it worked.
I'm happy.
Well, I'm not! Can't we just forget these past few days ever happened and just go back to the way things were? Just the two of us? What if I don't want to go back? Then good luck finding a new girlfriend.
Hey.
Can I join you? Yeah.
Sure.
So where's your girlfriend? - We broke up.
- Ouch.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I hope that wasn't 'cause of yesterday.
- You know, when we - Oh.
Oh, no.
No.
You want to talk about it? - Not particularly.
- Okay.
So there's this art exhibition that I heard about on South Congress.
There's this homeless guy that makes totem poles with his feet.
We're just different people.
We always have been.
And if I'm being honest, I think we've been holding on to a relationship that we've both outgrown.
Do you know that I haven't had peanut butter in a decade because she has an allergy? Wow, that sounds horrible.
Here.
Take a bite of freedom.
Mmm.
I mean, it wasn't all bad.
She was the only person I could watch Dance Mom marathons with because she only talks at commercials.
And every year for my birthday, she does these little scavenger hunts.
Oh, and last year when my gam-gam died, she was the only person who could make me laugh.
If you'll excuse me, I have to go.
Get on your knees And I thought you can leave it all In your mind It is So tired Don't jump.
Don't flatter yourself.
How'd you find me? I knew that you would find the tallest place at this school, 'cause you know I'm scared of heights, but here I am, facing my fears to apologize.
You were right.
I have been selfish.
I dragged you into my stupid plan against your will.
Don't stop when it's getting good.
I'm not as strong as you are, Amy.
I care way too much about what those people down there think.
And in this school, you have to stand out to fit in, and I'm so ordinary.
You are not.
Please.
Being gay finally made me interesting.
But if the price of that is losing you, then it's not worth it.
You're the Fey to my Poehler.
The Rihanna to my Katy Perry.
The Lucy to my Ethel.
We both know you're the Lucy.
And if you need to stand out, then I'm gonna help make that happen.
Are you saying what I think you're saying? Let's be lesbians.
Oh, I'm so excited.
But I can't move.
We might need a crane.
I believe in tradition.
What is society but a patchwork of traditions that have been handed down from those who have come before us? Yeah, like slavery! No, not like slavery.
Like a man opening a door for a lady.
Like not talking with your mouth full.
Like being able to put a nativity scene in front of your church without being sued by the ACLU.
So, remember, a vote for me I mean us, is a vote for tradition.
- Yeah.
- Okay, thank you.
Thank you, Lauren, for that very stirring speech.
And now we'll hear from Hester's very first same-gender candidates for homecoming royalty.
Karma Ashcroft and Amy Raudenfeld.
Please clap.
What an entrance.
I am such a proud papa.
Looks like you won't be getting your lesbian after all.
Yeah, we'll see.
Can I just say something? I know that you all think you're being all open-minded by electing these two homecoming queens, but I think you all should know they're not really lesbians.
Lauren, give me the microphone.
No, they're just pretending to be so that all of you will like them! I heard them talking about it in the locker room this morning.
They're mocking the gay rights movement! Stop.
Give me the mic.
Karma, Amy, is this true? - We can explain.
- If we're faking it would I do this? What's with the confetti, Penelope? It dropped early.
I'm so sorry.
I come home in the morning light My mother says, "When you gonna live your life right?" Oh, mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones And girls, they want to have fun Amy! Karma! Oh, girls just want to have fun Girls, they wanna Wanna have fun, girls Whoa.
I know.
Way to sell it.
They just wanna, they just wanna They just wanna, they just wanna