Family Tools (2013) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 Mother of God.
Mom? Do you think Uncle Tony needs us to let the ambulance guys in? We are a family, Mason.
Okay? And sometimes family means locking out emergency personnel until your uncle promises to work on his heart health.
You listening, Tony? I do not negotiate with terrorists, Mason.
Open the door for the EMTs.
Stay right there, baby.
Mom? You uncle isn't going to die.
Trust me.
I'm a healthcare professional.
You're a masseuse.
Yeah, and I've had several men die on my massage table, so I think I know what death looks like.
Oh, for God's sake.
I'm just trying to be a good sister, okay? It's what your wife would have wanted.
Maybe.
10 minutes, I'll be in heaven.
I can ask her.
Can I at least give him some ice to chew on? Not if you love him, baby.
This is family.
You can't get soft.
Sorry for the holdup, Niko.
You want some coffee? [ European accent .]
Oh, do you have tea? I have tickle in my throat today.
It's the worst.
The worst? 'Cause I think I might have it beat with the tickle in my aorta! Then just say you'll retire and let somebody else run the repair business.
Who can I trust to be the new Mr.
Jiffy Fix, huh? Who? He just got kicked out of seminary school No clue.
Your son.
That knucklehead was in seminary school? [ Horn honks .]
Thanks for the safe driving, Clarence.
I would keep going, but this text from my dad seems urgent.
Something about it says he really needs me.
[ Caribbean accent .]
It's always great to be needed.
Well, this is my first time, and I am loving it.
[ Chuckles .]
All right.
Bye, guys.
All: Bye, Jack! Woman: Congrats on being needed! [ Michael Franti's "Say Hey" plays .]
Yeah, yeah uh-huh, uh-huh Jack: Call me Cornball, but I've always searched for a way to make my dad proud of me.
So far, I haven't found one.
Now is my chance to try harder.
Jack! Long time no see.
Can't talk right now.
My dad needs me.
This time, I won't screw it up.
My dad needs me.
Come on, hey, papa, hey, papa hey, mama, hey, mama Well! Look who's here.
[ Laughs .]
Jack Shea -- back again.
What did you screw up this time? Park ranger? Navy S.
E.
A.
L.
? Dalai Lama? [ Laughs .]
I was in seminary school and didn't screw anything up.
They just failed to appreciate my ideas on making the Bible a little less long and preachy.
Always trying to do something special till you shoot yourself in the foot.
That only happened once, in the police academy.
I heard it happened in the army, too.
Ha! You thought wrong.
I shot my lieutenant's foot in the army.
My foot was fine.
[ Laughs .]
Okay.
Well, this was nice.
I'm gonna go now, Mr.
Baynor.
Oh, and say hello to your irresponsible daughter the stripper, with kids from three different dads.
Hey.
I didn't know.
I didn't know.
I'm so sorry.
I been a lot of places all around the way I seen a lot of joy, and I seen a lot of pain but I don't want to write a love song for the world - I just want to write a song about a boy and a girl - Dad! Junkies on the corner always calling my name [ Door closes .]
Aunt Terry? playin' ghetto games when I saw you gettin' down, girl, I hope -- [ Explosions .]
[ Gasps .]
Hey, cuz! I heard you coming and wanted to make a cool impression.
You know what else would make a cool impression? No terrifying explosions.
[ Laughs .]
And pants.
As if.
No "if," just "as.
" Put some pants on, Mason.
You're 15 now.
It's pants time.
Where's my dad? He needs me.
Uh, he's out.
He had a thing.
Yeah.
P.
S.
, you and me are gonna be outstanding roommates.
I thought you were staying with your father now.
He re-enlisted.
But it's cool, 'cause now you and I can start a positive-message rock band! Did my dad say when he was gonna be back? When he's done with his thing.
[ Clank .]
What the The furnace does that every half an hour or so now lately, but you'll get used to it.
Your dad's heart exploded.
Pretty intense, huh? [ Explosions .]
My dad had a heart attack?! Your aunt's just overreacting here a little bit, Jack.
There's no reason for you to disrupt your life.
I'm -- I'm fine.
Yes, this is a special hospital just for "fine" people.
We have been here five times.
Next visit, my smoothie is free.
Dad, I want to change my life.
When I got that text from you, it rocked my world.
"I need you" rocked my world.
I didn't send you a text message.
I don't even know how to send a text message.
Who? What? That's right.
Yeah.
So what? I sent the text.
If I didn't, you'd be dead and you'd be off joining the coast guard or saving some stupid whales.
You want to be a hero, Jack? You do that at home.
I would love nothing more.
Now, dad, I know you might have a few reservations about me running Mr.
Jiffy Fix.
[ Monitor beeping rapidly .]
Uh Okay, you do.
Maybe I do try too hard a-and screw up sometimes, but no more.
I want to make you proud.
And when I do, maybe that will finally bring us closer together in our relationship.
I'll die right now just to stop hearing you talk like such a fruit loop, Jack.
Okay.
Here's the deal.
I have poured decades of blood, sweat, and tears into that business, and it's -- it's like a son to me.
So my feeling now is, who, besides my real son, can I get to run it for me? I appreciate that sentiment, dad.
No, seriously -- who? If you can think of anybody before tomorrow, let me know.
You're gonna be great.
I'm a small-town guy who took over his dad's fix-it business after he decided to retire.
My aunt takes care of him, whether he likes it or not.
Her son is weird.
Now I'm the boss.
Dad's assistant works for me, sort of.
His sister likes me, I think.
Being in charge is tough, but nothing I can't handle.
[ Crash .]
I'll fix that! Important client today.
I won't let you down.
Thank you for having the faith to put your business in my hands.
I think.
You are strong for a guy with a bum ticker.
So, good luck today [ Whistling, explosions .]
especially with Darren.
Darren? He still works for us? All right.
I got to go.
[ Chuckles .]
You know I was gonna jump your bones right in the kitchen last night, but I felt bad since I was there to take out your granddaughter.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Horn honks .]
Yeah, go get Svetlana on the line.
[ Engine idling .]
Hey, buddy! Good to see you again.
All right.
Look at us! Where's Tony? I'm taking over for him while his heart mends.
He was gonna call you.
Maybe he did.
I've been busy boning.
Huh, Svetlana? Your knees still shaky? Oh.
Girl just like her grandma.
Darren, we can't leave your grandfather out there alone.
No, he's cool.
I left him a sandwich.
Uh Man, you are still so uptight.
Watch.
[ Laughs .]
See? Grandpa, it's me.
It's me! He's a badass ninja.
[ Door closes .]
[ Sighs .]
This is coffee.
Can we roll? Yeah, it's nuts.
I got this clown saying he's a new Tony.
[ Scoffs .]
Nobody can be a new Tony.
I can hear everything you're saying.
Oh, not you, pimp-juice.
Different guy across town.
Yeah, that was him.
Now he's an upset clown.
[ Laughs .]
It's cool.
History says he won't last.
I'm gonna last.
Another guy.
Damn.
So paranoid.
Relax.
Have some coffee.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stop the van.
Berrick! Berrick! What's cracking? Oh, you know, this and that, keeping busy.
Can I get a ride? Kind of need to leave the area -- fast.
No.
We're -- yeah.
No offense.
Just we have a big client to get to.
I'd just as soon not be a getaway van for a thief.
That is presumptive and hurtful, man.
Is that because Berrick is part as-ian? Asians built the railroads, homey.
That is a bad start for a positive working rapport, Jack.
[ Scoffs .]
Ominous.
Yeah, I miss Tony, but I got to say, there's an upside to having no boss -- do what I want, work when I want, leave when I want.
No, you're not leaving when you want.
And you have a boss -- me.
Let's put the phone down.
And don't ring the doorbell yet.
I have to tuck in.
You too.
People don't tuck in shorts.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Well, professionals don't wear shorts on a job, so tuck in to make up for it.
I opt out of that rule.
Just tuck your damn shirt in.
[ Laughs .]
I'm ticklish.
Yes? Hello.
I'm Mr.
Jiffy Fix.
Where's Tony? I wanted Tony.
We all do.
I'm his son, Jack.
And today we are giving you your new shower, complete with imported Belgian tile grout.
How great does that sound? I called you to replank my deck.
Uh Good thing your shirt's tucked in.
We'll be back.
So, Jack, you're the new Mr.
Jiffy Fix.
I'm gonna have to start dressing sexy for work.
Are you flirting with me, stitch? What? No.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't -- Look.
You made me spill tea on my shirt.
Um, I don't think you spilled.
I did.
Feel.
No, thank you.
Good call.
This puppy bites.
So you're stuck working with my idiot brother Darren.
How's that going? Uh, he calls me Pimp-Juice.
Yeah.
Anyway, I'm here to pick up some sample decking for a bid.
Socially responsible products -- krexboard, beckerwood, fabu-deck Grello, right? Krexboard is recycled diapers, and fabu-deck supports gay lumberjacks.
I agree that grello is durable.
No, krexboard.
Grello.
Good choice.
Krexboard.
Grello.
Krex-- Grello.
No, krex-board.
Grel-lo.
Just get the damn grello! Dad? Clients don't need choices or greeny feel-good crap.
Get what works and move on.
And stop hitting on stitch.
I wasn't hitting on her.
She was hitting on me.
Damn it! Oh, hey, I was just trying to make you look good in front of your dad, and then you were, like, all over me.
You are an insane person.
And, you, are you just hanging out all day on the off chance I'm gonna come in here and screw up? I heard you brought shower tiles to a deck job.
And I can't stand sitting around the house all day.
[ Bell jingles .]
Oh, uh, nail on the floor.
Uh, too late.
I already saw you.
Why am I taking days off from the spa to nurse you back to health, just so you can sneak downtown to fondle tools? No, that's your job at the spa.
[ Both laugh .]
Get in the car.
So, the grello, right? No, I would like to go -- Tony: Get the grello! Grello.
Grello.
Bye, Jack.
[ Grunts .]
Hey, check it out, buddy.
I used our van cash to get us a treat.
That is a dog.
It's our van puppy.
It gives us something to bond over.
Now, I was thinking that we name him toast 'cause he's the color I like for my toast.
But this is a dialogue, so you can pretty much -- We're not raising a damn puppy, Darren.
He can hear you cuss, you know.
And we're keeping him.
Oh, no, we're not.
And the van cash is for work emergencies only.
It is an emergency! Our relationship is at a crisis point.
Look at you! You're a mess! Yeah, because of you.
I'm trying to run a business here.
And you know what? You refuse to acknowledge I'm your boss.
But guess what.
I am.
I'm Mr.
Jiffy Fix, not you! And I run the van! I decide everything that happens in it! Well, not everything.
Berrick! What? Why didn't you stop him?! Not my van! Berrick! [ Engine buzzing .]
Aah! Mother of God! Here's the deal.
I'm firing him.
No rolls.
He's crude, unprofessional, arrogant, and he stinks up the van with his coconut skin cream.
You're the one that got the tools stolen.
We were both there.
Not his van! Whoo-hoo! You can't fire D.
My best friend's dying wish was I look after the kid.
That wish doesn't count if your friend didn't actually die.
Well, he's damn close to dead.
He could be dead right now.
Ellis, you dead? [ Crickets chirping .]
Mason, go poke him.
Mom.
Oh, you eat, baby.
I'll poke him.
See? Our band could write a sad song about all this -- sad but positive.
Dad, I need a new assistant if I'm gonna take Mr.
Jiffy Fix to the next level.
I'm thinking two vans -- one to do pro bono work for the poor.
What the hell is "pro bono"? Well, it's when you -- It means "free.
" No! [ Laughing .]
No! No "bono.
" I'm very anti-bono.
You don't like Darren, tough.
I like him.
Sometimes you got to work with the man you got.
Thank you.
Back at you, buddy.
[ Laughs .]
He's alive.
Mason: He tried being nice to Darren.
He tried being professional.
But when Jack's dad sided with Darren and not Jack, Jack's war just got personal.
[ Grunts .]
Mom! I'm trying to pump up Jack for Darren's butt shellacking.
Oh! That could be our band name -- Butt Shellacking.
That would be -- I didn't say that I would start a band, Mason.
I'm sorry.
It's not you.
It's just I'm stuck working with a guy with zero values, zero self-development goals.
And does not date girls in a respectful way.
All right.
Jack, would you stop whining? I like Darren, but if you don't, get rid of him.
I mean, I got rid of my first husband by pretending to be really bad at sex for three years.
Ugh.
If you can't fire a guy, you make him want to leave.
Oh, yeah, Jack! Go for it! Just shellac Darren's brain, man.
Butt-shellac that brain.
Aunt Terry, I feel like I don't tell you I love you enough.
Tony: So, I get out of the shower, and I find all my clothes have disappeared! Confiscated! I also locked up Jack's clothes, so now you'll be forced to stay home and rest like the doctor said.
I laid out an outfit of mine you can wear.
[ Sighs .]
Ellis sees this, he's gonna pee himself.
He does that no matter what you're wearing.
[ Door closes .]
[ Sniffs .]
What the hell is that smell? Oh, patchouli oil.
The hippie people wear it, and now I am a huge fan.
[ Inhales deeply .]
I like it! No, you don't.
And throw out your beer.
This is coffee.
Thr-- I'm not your clown, man.
Give me the beer.
[ Scoffs .]
That is coffee.
Why do you have coffee in a 40-ounce? I owe a guy money.
He sees me standing on the corner with a coffee in the morning, he knows I got a job.
He sees me with a 40, he don't bug me.
There's thought in this.
Now, I need some coffee.
Hazelnut.
You go, girl.
Hey, Ter, the boys need Tony to settle a fight about the deck job.
I want to shoot 2 1/2-inch nails, and he wants to drive 2-inch deck screws.
3-inch screws! He's lying! Well, Tony can't be bothered right now.
We are doing a yoga tape with Shania Twain, so the guys will have to figure out the deck job on their own.
Goodbye.
No.
The deck job? She's a huge client.
Damn it, Tony.
Shut up and breathe with Shania.
[ Exhales deeply .]
Tony's busy.
Go with the nails.
Yes! In your face, turkey.
Tony likes deck screws.
So we are gonna need a nail gun.
Oh, I bet you are packing a nice nail gun already.
Oh! You are definitely flirting.
I am not, you hunk-wad.
Quit being a slut, Lis.
It makes me ashamed you're my sister.
Oh, good, 'cause I spend my life ashamed that I'm your sister.
You know what? We got to roll out, Jack.
Let's go.
Wait.
Is this a sore point with you, when your hot sister flirts with me? Hot? Who's flirting now? Hey You know what? We're done here.
Let's go.
You are freaking out.
Relax, pimp-juice.
It's all good.
Have a sip of coffee.
[ Gasps .]
[ Breathing loudly .]
Nice breathing back there, Tony.
Glad to hear you're getting into it.
Hey, nice look, Shea.
What are you, late for mime class? [ Laughs .]
Aw! [ Laughing .]
Hey, off the phone.
We got work to do.
Oh, look who's all business now.
Nah, this clown's just freaking 'cause I'm gonna take his sister out dancing, and I'm gonna grind up on that like, "Mmm.
Yeah.
" Hey, don't push me, man.
Not you, daddy.
Another guy that smells like coconut oil.
That plank's not straight.
What's that, stitch? You want to see my straight plank? [ Chuckles .]
Hey! You want to really drive him nuts? Take your shoes off.
He hates bare feet.
He hates feet? Interesting.
You need to pump your brakes before you skid, playboy.
What does that even mean? Better question -- what's your deal with feet? I'm fine with feet.
Put your shoe on.
Did someone do something to you with a foot? I'm not playing! Put your shoe on! Oh, my God.
They did.
I didn't say that! Put your shoe on! Put your shoe back on! Oh, hey, you want to take it up a notch? Happy to do it.
Let's bring this out.
Wait! [ Clicking .]
Aah! Aah! Hey! Oh, my God! I'm sorry! You okay?! Aaah! Sorry.
[ Clicks, glass shatters .]
Are you okay? [ Sighs, nail gun clicks .]
[ Screaming .]
Why does this keep on happening to me?! Aah! Ow, man, ow! I told you to use deck screws, man! I'm gonna throw up.
Will you please call an ambulance?! The owner's calling one now.
What the hell? A-are you here to check up on me, man? It is like you don't trust me.
You nailed your foot to the deck! And he shot the lady's light fixture.
Shut up! Wow.
Lovely.
Caught you, Tony.
You're supposed to be avoiding stress.
Hey! This isn't stressful.
Not stressful? Your son has a nail through his toe webbing.
Toe webbing.
Here we go.
[ Vomits .]
Terry, I'm fine.
Will you stop bossing me like you know everything? My health is not affected by [ Grunts .]
G-- Mother of God! [ Siren wailing .]
We're not supposed to double up, but you're good customers, so Hey, Niko, what's EMT training like? I'm pretty used to blood -- my own, anyway.
Stop asking about other careers.
You and Tony need to communicate your feelings.
I don't have feelings.
Really? Ow! You feel that? Tell your dad why you don't like your job.
Oh, what's not to like? I get to come home, live in a crappy basement, help out a grouchy sick guy that says he doesn't even need me.
I'll go.
I know you want your precious Darren to run your business anyway.
How do you feel about that, Tony? I feel like choking my sister, Terry.
Ow! Funnel cake, woman! Do you want Darren to run the business? Of course not! Darren can't go six hours without scoring tail or getting crunk -- whatever that means.
He's a screw-up! So am I! Why do you laugh and joke around and give fist-bumps at the table? All you do with me is get pissed off! It's different with you.
How? I don't know.
Ow! I don't know! Communicate.
Because you're my son.
You happy?! No! That's it? That's why you're an ass to me? Yeah, that's it! That's all I got! I'm not a shrink! I'm a tool guy, Jack! Can we please stop talking like Fruit Loops now? Fine.
You're done talking, so am I.
[ Tires screech .]
[ Thud .]
Jack: [ Grunts .]
Mother of God! I have a deck to finish.
He's unbelievable.
Turns out fixing decks is easier than fixing people.
I gave up trying to make my dad like me.
Nothing would help, no matter how hard I work.
It's a rotten thing when someone you admire won't give you a chance.
Wait here.
Hey, cuz, listen, I wrote some cool lyrics that our band can jam out to.
Not now, Mason.
Read them to me later.
It's a good song -- positive message.
I wasn't in the mood for some positive message.
I wanted to pack up and leave my dad's filthy basement.
But it turns out my dad had other plans, and that's what made Mason write his song.
Mason: Some dads know all the perfect things to say but they probably suck with tools yeah rock on nobody gets a perfect dad which stinks, but it's a rule like any hard partnership at work or where you're livin' you get what you get, so don't get upset you gotta work with the man you're given Oh, yeah.
Dance, dance, y'all.
You gotta work with the man you're given.
Okay.
So that's the chorus.
Now you do your solo.
[ Bass guitar and flute play .]
[ Beat-boxing .]
[ Song ends .]
We got a band! [ Flute, bass playing in distance .]
I think Margaret is looking down on you very proud that you're taking care of your health and, just as important, that you've finally told your son that you loved him.
Wait.
What? Hmm? No, I didn't.
My dad loves me.
Mom? Do you think Uncle Tony needs us to let the ambulance guys in? We are a family, Mason.
Okay? And sometimes family means locking out emergency personnel until your uncle promises to work on his heart health.
You listening, Tony? I do not negotiate with terrorists, Mason.
Open the door for the EMTs.
Stay right there, baby.
Mom? You uncle isn't going to die.
Trust me.
I'm a healthcare professional.
You're a masseuse.
Yeah, and I've had several men die on my massage table, so I think I know what death looks like.
Oh, for God's sake.
I'm just trying to be a good sister, okay? It's what your wife would have wanted.
Maybe.
10 minutes, I'll be in heaven.
I can ask her.
Can I at least give him some ice to chew on? Not if you love him, baby.
This is family.
You can't get soft.
Sorry for the holdup, Niko.
You want some coffee? [ European accent .]
Oh, do you have tea? I have tickle in my throat today.
It's the worst.
The worst? 'Cause I think I might have it beat with the tickle in my aorta! Then just say you'll retire and let somebody else run the repair business.
Who can I trust to be the new Mr.
Jiffy Fix, huh? Who? He just got kicked out of seminary school No clue.
Your son.
That knucklehead was in seminary school? [ Horn honks .]
Thanks for the safe driving, Clarence.
I would keep going, but this text from my dad seems urgent.
Something about it says he really needs me.
[ Caribbean accent .]
It's always great to be needed.
Well, this is my first time, and I am loving it.
[ Chuckles .]
All right.
Bye, guys.
All: Bye, Jack! Woman: Congrats on being needed! [ Michael Franti's "Say Hey" plays .]
Yeah, yeah uh-huh, uh-huh Jack: Call me Cornball, but I've always searched for a way to make my dad proud of me.
So far, I haven't found one.
Now is my chance to try harder.
Jack! Long time no see.
Can't talk right now.
My dad needs me.
This time, I won't screw it up.
My dad needs me.
Come on, hey, papa, hey, papa hey, mama, hey, mama Well! Look who's here.
[ Laughs .]
Jack Shea -- back again.
What did you screw up this time? Park ranger? Navy S.
E.
A.
L.
? Dalai Lama? [ Laughs .]
I was in seminary school and didn't screw anything up.
They just failed to appreciate my ideas on making the Bible a little less long and preachy.
Always trying to do something special till you shoot yourself in the foot.
That only happened once, in the police academy.
I heard it happened in the army, too.
Ha! You thought wrong.
I shot my lieutenant's foot in the army.
My foot was fine.
[ Laughs .]
Okay.
Well, this was nice.
I'm gonna go now, Mr.
Baynor.
Oh, and say hello to your irresponsible daughter the stripper, with kids from three different dads.
Hey.
I didn't know.
I didn't know.
I'm so sorry.
I been a lot of places all around the way I seen a lot of joy, and I seen a lot of pain but I don't want to write a love song for the world - I just want to write a song about a boy and a girl - Dad! Junkies on the corner always calling my name [ Door closes .]
Aunt Terry? playin' ghetto games when I saw you gettin' down, girl, I hope -- [ Explosions .]
[ Gasps .]
Hey, cuz! I heard you coming and wanted to make a cool impression.
You know what else would make a cool impression? No terrifying explosions.
[ Laughs .]
And pants.
As if.
No "if," just "as.
" Put some pants on, Mason.
You're 15 now.
It's pants time.
Where's my dad? He needs me.
Uh, he's out.
He had a thing.
Yeah.
P.
S.
, you and me are gonna be outstanding roommates.
I thought you were staying with your father now.
He re-enlisted.
But it's cool, 'cause now you and I can start a positive-message rock band! Did my dad say when he was gonna be back? When he's done with his thing.
[ Clank .]
What the The furnace does that every half an hour or so now lately, but you'll get used to it.
Your dad's heart exploded.
Pretty intense, huh? [ Explosions .]
My dad had a heart attack?! Your aunt's just overreacting here a little bit, Jack.
There's no reason for you to disrupt your life.
I'm -- I'm fine.
Yes, this is a special hospital just for "fine" people.
We have been here five times.
Next visit, my smoothie is free.
Dad, I want to change my life.
When I got that text from you, it rocked my world.
"I need you" rocked my world.
I didn't send you a text message.
I don't even know how to send a text message.
Who? What? That's right.
Yeah.
So what? I sent the text.
If I didn't, you'd be dead and you'd be off joining the coast guard or saving some stupid whales.
You want to be a hero, Jack? You do that at home.
I would love nothing more.
Now, dad, I know you might have a few reservations about me running Mr.
Jiffy Fix.
[ Monitor beeping rapidly .]
Uh Okay, you do.
Maybe I do try too hard a-and screw up sometimes, but no more.
I want to make you proud.
And when I do, maybe that will finally bring us closer together in our relationship.
I'll die right now just to stop hearing you talk like such a fruit loop, Jack.
Okay.
Here's the deal.
I have poured decades of blood, sweat, and tears into that business, and it's -- it's like a son to me.
So my feeling now is, who, besides my real son, can I get to run it for me? I appreciate that sentiment, dad.
No, seriously -- who? If you can think of anybody before tomorrow, let me know.
You're gonna be great.
I'm a small-town guy who took over his dad's fix-it business after he decided to retire.
My aunt takes care of him, whether he likes it or not.
Her son is weird.
Now I'm the boss.
Dad's assistant works for me, sort of.
His sister likes me, I think.
Being in charge is tough, but nothing I can't handle.
[ Crash .]
I'll fix that! Important client today.
I won't let you down.
Thank you for having the faith to put your business in my hands.
I think.
You are strong for a guy with a bum ticker.
So, good luck today [ Whistling, explosions .]
especially with Darren.
Darren? He still works for us? All right.
I got to go.
[ Chuckles .]
You know I was gonna jump your bones right in the kitchen last night, but I felt bad since I was there to take out your granddaughter.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Horn honks .]
Yeah, go get Svetlana on the line.
[ Engine idling .]
Hey, buddy! Good to see you again.
All right.
Look at us! Where's Tony? I'm taking over for him while his heart mends.
He was gonna call you.
Maybe he did.
I've been busy boning.
Huh, Svetlana? Your knees still shaky? Oh.
Girl just like her grandma.
Darren, we can't leave your grandfather out there alone.
No, he's cool.
I left him a sandwich.
Uh Man, you are still so uptight.
Watch.
[ Laughs .]
See? Grandpa, it's me.
It's me! He's a badass ninja.
[ Door closes .]
[ Sighs .]
This is coffee.
Can we roll? Yeah, it's nuts.
I got this clown saying he's a new Tony.
[ Scoffs .]
Nobody can be a new Tony.
I can hear everything you're saying.
Oh, not you, pimp-juice.
Different guy across town.
Yeah, that was him.
Now he's an upset clown.
[ Laughs .]
It's cool.
History says he won't last.
I'm gonna last.
Another guy.
Damn.
So paranoid.
Relax.
Have some coffee.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stop the van.
Berrick! Berrick! What's cracking? Oh, you know, this and that, keeping busy.
Can I get a ride? Kind of need to leave the area -- fast.
No.
We're -- yeah.
No offense.
Just we have a big client to get to.
I'd just as soon not be a getaway van for a thief.
That is presumptive and hurtful, man.
Is that because Berrick is part as-ian? Asians built the railroads, homey.
That is a bad start for a positive working rapport, Jack.
[ Scoffs .]
Ominous.
Yeah, I miss Tony, but I got to say, there's an upside to having no boss -- do what I want, work when I want, leave when I want.
No, you're not leaving when you want.
And you have a boss -- me.
Let's put the phone down.
And don't ring the doorbell yet.
I have to tuck in.
You too.
People don't tuck in shorts.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Well, professionals don't wear shorts on a job, so tuck in to make up for it.
I opt out of that rule.
Just tuck your damn shirt in.
[ Laughs .]
I'm ticklish.
Yes? Hello.
I'm Mr.
Jiffy Fix.
Where's Tony? I wanted Tony.
We all do.
I'm his son, Jack.
And today we are giving you your new shower, complete with imported Belgian tile grout.
How great does that sound? I called you to replank my deck.
Uh Good thing your shirt's tucked in.
We'll be back.
So, Jack, you're the new Mr.
Jiffy Fix.
I'm gonna have to start dressing sexy for work.
Are you flirting with me, stitch? What? No.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't -- Look.
You made me spill tea on my shirt.
Um, I don't think you spilled.
I did.
Feel.
No, thank you.
Good call.
This puppy bites.
So you're stuck working with my idiot brother Darren.
How's that going? Uh, he calls me Pimp-Juice.
Yeah.
Anyway, I'm here to pick up some sample decking for a bid.
Socially responsible products -- krexboard, beckerwood, fabu-deck Grello, right? Krexboard is recycled diapers, and fabu-deck supports gay lumberjacks.
I agree that grello is durable.
No, krexboard.
Grello.
Good choice.
Krexboard.
Grello.
Krex-- Grello.
No, krex-board.
Grel-lo.
Just get the damn grello! Dad? Clients don't need choices or greeny feel-good crap.
Get what works and move on.
And stop hitting on stitch.
I wasn't hitting on her.
She was hitting on me.
Damn it! Oh, hey, I was just trying to make you look good in front of your dad, and then you were, like, all over me.
You are an insane person.
And, you, are you just hanging out all day on the off chance I'm gonna come in here and screw up? I heard you brought shower tiles to a deck job.
And I can't stand sitting around the house all day.
[ Bell jingles .]
Oh, uh, nail on the floor.
Uh, too late.
I already saw you.
Why am I taking days off from the spa to nurse you back to health, just so you can sneak downtown to fondle tools? No, that's your job at the spa.
[ Both laugh .]
Get in the car.
So, the grello, right? No, I would like to go -- Tony: Get the grello! Grello.
Grello.
Bye, Jack.
[ Grunts .]
Hey, check it out, buddy.
I used our van cash to get us a treat.
That is a dog.
It's our van puppy.
It gives us something to bond over.
Now, I was thinking that we name him toast 'cause he's the color I like for my toast.
But this is a dialogue, so you can pretty much -- We're not raising a damn puppy, Darren.
He can hear you cuss, you know.
And we're keeping him.
Oh, no, we're not.
And the van cash is for work emergencies only.
It is an emergency! Our relationship is at a crisis point.
Look at you! You're a mess! Yeah, because of you.
I'm trying to run a business here.
And you know what? You refuse to acknowledge I'm your boss.
But guess what.
I am.
I'm Mr.
Jiffy Fix, not you! And I run the van! I decide everything that happens in it! Well, not everything.
Berrick! What? Why didn't you stop him?! Not my van! Berrick! [ Engine buzzing .]
Aah! Mother of God! Here's the deal.
I'm firing him.
No rolls.
He's crude, unprofessional, arrogant, and he stinks up the van with his coconut skin cream.
You're the one that got the tools stolen.
We were both there.
Not his van! Whoo-hoo! You can't fire D.
My best friend's dying wish was I look after the kid.
That wish doesn't count if your friend didn't actually die.
Well, he's damn close to dead.
He could be dead right now.
Ellis, you dead? [ Crickets chirping .]
Mason, go poke him.
Mom.
Oh, you eat, baby.
I'll poke him.
See? Our band could write a sad song about all this -- sad but positive.
Dad, I need a new assistant if I'm gonna take Mr.
Jiffy Fix to the next level.
I'm thinking two vans -- one to do pro bono work for the poor.
What the hell is "pro bono"? Well, it's when you -- It means "free.
" No! [ Laughing .]
No! No "bono.
" I'm very anti-bono.
You don't like Darren, tough.
I like him.
Sometimes you got to work with the man you got.
Thank you.
Back at you, buddy.
[ Laughs .]
He's alive.
Mason: He tried being nice to Darren.
He tried being professional.
But when Jack's dad sided with Darren and not Jack, Jack's war just got personal.
[ Grunts .]
Mom! I'm trying to pump up Jack for Darren's butt shellacking.
Oh! That could be our band name -- Butt Shellacking.
That would be -- I didn't say that I would start a band, Mason.
I'm sorry.
It's not you.
It's just I'm stuck working with a guy with zero values, zero self-development goals.
And does not date girls in a respectful way.
All right.
Jack, would you stop whining? I like Darren, but if you don't, get rid of him.
I mean, I got rid of my first husband by pretending to be really bad at sex for three years.
Ugh.
If you can't fire a guy, you make him want to leave.
Oh, yeah, Jack! Go for it! Just shellac Darren's brain, man.
Butt-shellac that brain.
Aunt Terry, I feel like I don't tell you I love you enough.
Tony: So, I get out of the shower, and I find all my clothes have disappeared! Confiscated! I also locked up Jack's clothes, so now you'll be forced to stay home and rest like the doctor said.
I laid out an outfit of mine you can wear.
[ Sighs .]
Ellis sees this, he's gonna pee himself.
He does that no matter what you're wearing.
[ Door closes .]
[ Sniffs .]
What the hell is that smell? Oh, patchouli oil.
The hippie people wear it, and now I am a huge fan.
[ Inhales deeply .]
I like it! No, you don't.
And throw out your beer.
This is coffee.
Thr-- I'm not your clown, man.
Give me the beer.
[ Scoffs .]
That is coffee.
Why do you have coffee in a 40-ounce? I owe a guy money.
He sees me standing on the corner with a coffee in the morning, he knows I got a job.
He sees me with a 40, he don't bug me.
There's thought in this.
Now, I need some coffee.
Hazelnut.
You go, girl.
Hey, Ter, the boys need Tony to settle a fight about the deck job.
I want to shoot 2 1/2-inch nails, and he wants to drive 2-inch deck screws.
3-inch screws! He's lying! Well, Tony can't be bothered right now.
We are doing a yoga tape with Shania Twain, so the guys will have to figure out the deck job on their own.
Goodbye.
No.
The deck job? She's a huge client.
Damn it, Tony.
Shut up and breathe with Shania.
[ Exhales deeply .]
Tony's busy.
Go with the nails.
Yes! In your face, turkey.
Tony likes deck screws.
So we are gonna need a nail gun.
Oh, I bet you are packing a nice nail gun already.
Oh! You are definitely flirting.
I am not, you hunk-wad.
Quit being a slut, Lis.
It makes me ashamed you're my sister.
Oh, good, 'cause I spend my life ashamed that I'm your sister.
You know what? We got to roll out, Jack.
Let's go.
Wait.
Is this a sore point with you, when your hot sister flirts with me? Hot? Who's flirting now? Hey You know what? We're done here.
Let's go.
You are freaking out.
Relax, pimp-juice.
It's all good.
Have a sip of coffee.
[ Gasps .]
[ Breathing loudly .]
Nice breathing back there, Tony.
Glad to hear you're getting into it.
Hey, nice look, Shea.
What are you, late for mime class? [ Laughs .]
Aw! [ Laughing .]
Hey, off the phone.
We got work to do.
Oh, look who's all business now.
Nah, this clown's just freaking 'cause I'm gonna take his sister out dancing, and I'm gonna grind up on that like, "Mmm.
Yeah.
" Hey, don't push me, man.
Not you, daddy.
Another guy that smells like coconut oil.
That plank's not straight.
What's that, stitch? You want to see my straight plank? [ Chuckles .]
Hey! You want to really drive him nuts? Take your shoes off.
He hates bare feet.
He hates feet? Interesting.
You need to pump your brakes before you skid, playboy.
What does that even mean? Better question -- what's your deal with feet? I'm fine with feet.
Put your shoe on.
Did someone do something to you with a foot? I'm not playing! Put your shoe on! Oh, my God.
They did.
I didn't say that! Put your shoe on! Put your shoe back on! Oh, hey, you want to take it up a notch? Happy to do it.
Let's bring this out.
Wait! [ Clicking .]
Aah! Aah! Hey! Oh, my God! I'm sorry! You okay?! Aaah! Sorry.
[ Clicks, glass shatters .]
Are you okay? [ Sighs, nail gun clicks .]
[ Screaming .]
Why does this keep on happening to me?! Aah! Ow, man, ow! I told you to use deck screws, man! I'm gonna throw up.
Will you please call an ambulance?! The owner's calling one now.
What the hell? A-are you here to check up on me, man? It is like you don't trust me.
You nailed your foot to the deck! And he shot the lady's light fixture.
Shut up! Wow.
Lovely.
Caught you, Tony.
You're supposed to be avoiding stress.
Hey! This isn't stressful.
Not stressful? Your son has a nail through his toe webbing.
Toe webbing.
Here we go.
[ Vomits .]
Terry, I'm fine.
Will you stop bossing me like you know everything? My health is not affected by [ Grunts .]
G-- Mother of God! [ Siren wailing .]
We're not supposed to double up, but you're good customers, so Hey, Niko, what's EMT training like? I'm pretty used to blood -- my own, anyway.
Stop asking about other careers.
You and Tony need to communicate your feelings.
I don't have feelings.
Really? Ow! You feel that? Tell your dad why you don't like your job.
Oh, what's not to like? I get to come home, live in a crappy basement, help out a grouchy sick guy that says he doesn't even need me.
I'll go.
I know you want your precious Darren to run your business anyway.
How do you feel about that, Tony? I feel like choking my sister, Terry.
Ow! Funnel cake, woman! Do you want Darren to run the business? Of course not! Darren can't go six hours without scoring tail or getting crunk -- whatever that means.
He's a screw-up! So am I! Why do you laugh and joke around and give fist-bumps at the table? All you do with me is get pissed off! It's different with you.
How? I don't know.
Ow! I don't know! Communicate.
Because you're my son.
You happy?! No! That's it? That's why you're an ass to me? Yeah, that's it! That's all I got! I'm not a shrink! I'm a tool guy, Jack! Can we please stop talking like Fruit Loops now? Fine.
You're done talking, so am I.
[ Tires screech .]
[ Thud .]
Jack: [ Grunts .]
Mother of God! I have a deck to finish.
He's unbelievable.
Turns out fixing decks is easier than fixing people.
I gave up trying to make my dad like me.
Nothing would help, no matter how hard I work.
It's a rotten thing when someone you admire won't give you a chance.
Wait here.
Hey, cuz, listen, I wrote some cool lyrics that our band can jam out to.
Not now, Mason.
Read them to me later.
It's a good song -- positive message.
I wasn't in the mood for some positive message.
I wanted to pack up and leave my dad's filthy basement.
But it turns out my dad had other plans, and that's what made Mason write his song.
Mason: Some dads know all the perfect things to say but they probably suck with tools yeah rock on nobody gets a perfect dad which stinks, but it's a rule like any hard partnership at work or where you're livin' you get what you get, so don't get upset you gotta work with the man you're given Oh, yeah.
Dance, dance, y'all.
You gotta work with the man you're given.
Okay.
So that's the chorus.
Now you do your solo.
[ Bass guitar and flute play .]
[ Beat-boxing .]
[ Song ends .]
We got a band! [ Flute, bass playing in distance .]
I think Margaret is looking down on you very proud that you're taking care of your health and, just as important, that you've finally told your son that you loved him.
Wait.
What? Hmm? No, I didn't.
My dad loves me.