Farzar (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

1
[mystical music playing]
[narrator] This is Farzar.
It was a peaceful planet
before the evil aliens invaded.
But they were fought back by Renzo,
Czar of Farzar.
[upbeat music playing]
[grunts]
[narrator]
Then Renzo married Queen Flammy.
Totally for love, not just to gain power,
even though she's a slightly older woman.
Where the fuck am I?
[narrator]
Anyway, Renzo protected his people
by constructing an energy dome
around the human city
to keep out the aliens
and their diabolical leader, Bazarack.
I take off my shoes on airplanes.
- [cackles]
- [thunder crashes]
[narrator]
One day, Renzo will defeat Bazarack
with his god-like strength,
rock star hair,
and chiseled, chocolate pecs.
Look at those muscle tits bounce.
Fuck, yeah!
Ah, fuck, yeah!
"I've finally captured you, Bazarack!"
"Have mercy on me, mighty Renzo."
"I've got a better idea."
"I'm gonna heat up this clothes hanger
on a stove
and shove it up
your tiny, yellow ding-dong."
[mocks screaming]
Okay, kids, that's enough state-mandated
history for today. Any questions?
Yeah, is this gonna be
more like Futurama or Rick and Morty?
Well, actually, it's gonna be
more like shut the fuck up!
[kids scream]
[suspenseful music playing]
I am Prince Fichael, son of Renzo.
I am destined to rid the planet of evil.
Today is the day you die!
[screams]
Anyway, today is the day
[screams]
Ow!
Uh, he did it to himself.
I didn't touch him, Queen Flammy!
I think you know what you have to do.
I was going to say apologize.
Anyway, another fine display
of plasma swordsmanship
by our brave son, Fichael.
What a joyous 30th birthday celebration.
Time to open Mommy's presents!
Gold-plated socks, gold-plated gold bars,
gold-plated puppy.
Mom, I know we're rich,
but I'd prefer a living pet.
What's next? A gold-plated girlfriend?
[chuckles] No.
- Get the fuck out of here!
- [wheels squeak]
Sorry to interrupt, sir,
but the energy dome has been vandalized.
[suspenseful music plays]
That is straight-up offensive.
Where's my goddamn reach-around?
It appears to be the work of Bazarack.
[suspenseful music plays]
I hate that mustard-colored fuck.
Can someone please find Bazarack
and bring me his head?
I'm so mad I could do a backflip.
[grunts] Ow!
I landed on my goddamn Ski-Doo keys!
Everyone who saw that, kill yourself.
Fun party.
But what I really want
for my birthday is to be a general.
Dad, I ask you every year
and you never let me.
[gasps] I'm gonna hold my breath
till you make me a general.
Fine. Hold your breath, you dumbass.
See if I, uh
Hereby make you a General.
Yes! Do I get my own team of soldiers?
Sure, I'll put a quote-unquote "team"
together for you.
Cool. Just like how
I'm your quote-unquote "son"?
Oh, I can't wait to tell
all my quote-unquote "friends."
Scootie, guess what?
My dad's putting together a special team
for me. I want you to be on it!
How does Lieutenant BFF sound?
Like a piece of shit Disney show.
- You ordered the Snuffle Snart?
- [squeaks]
Scootie, you got me
a living pet for my birthday!
Nope. It's for me.
[dial-up modem sounds playing]
So about the team [inhales through teeth]
guess we'll be nixing the drug tests.
Will you shut up?
I'm trying to watch Lieutenant BFF.
[laughs]
I didn't know
you could say the N-word on Disney.
Good morning,
Special Hostile Assault Team!
S.H.A.T.? Our name is S.H.A.T.?
The past tense of shit?
Great name, Fichael.
Thanks. I'm your leader, General Fichael.
Roll call!
Mal Skullcruncher?
Reporting for duty, sir.
I've been on over 700 missions
in the alien wasteland.
Sanchez! Don't be a hero!
Operation Delta Brimstone, '72.
We were pinned down
and I had to eat my whole goddamn platoon.
I was shitting dog tags
and little pieces of Sanchez for months.
Yeah, you can just say, "Here."
Val Skullcruncher.
Present.
My preschool class
calls me Ms. Skullcruncher. [chuckles]
Except for Tina,
who calls me Ms. Skullcunt.
[laughs]
Tina sounds funny. Is she single?
What? I have a six-year-old nephew
- who I'm trying to get laid.
- Wow, the teacher is cute!
I hope you like foot jobs. I'm pretty sure
the ugly one controls the arms.
Barry Barris?
Whoa!
You're, like, Farzar's top scientist.
Yes. Well, I was
until my nervous breakdown.
Now, I make stuff like this.
Me Billy. Hey!
Look at his little bird beak!
Billy, welcome to the team.
Billy on team.
Billy happy.
[grunting]
Hey, Doc, can you do something about that?
Right. No, Billy, you must grip
the shaft tighter or you'll never climax.
Anyway, listen up, team.
You're going outside the dome
into the barren alien wasteland
on a dangerous and vital mission
to bring back smooth rocks
for my pretty daddy's koi pond.
Oh, I see. Your daddy's
giving us bullshit assignments
because he thinks we're a joke.
Who cares? I don't wanna go out there
and fight those crazy aliens.
I used to be human, you know.
Every time I go out there,
I lose a piece of myself.
All right, you aliens, come and get some!
All right, you aliens, come and
All right, you
Ha ha, you missed!
Oh, yeah.
[Flammy] Mm.
Twerk them tits.
Oh, yes, come on!
You know what Mommy likes. Oh, yeah.
That's warming my whisker biscuit.
[laughs]
[trills]
[clears throat]
Cough.
Sorry, sonny, we didn't see you there.
[chuckles]
Your father and I
are still like young lovers.
We were just about to have
our sunset sloppies.
[both chuckle]
It's dry, Fichael. So dry.
I'm afraid it's gonna start a fire.
When I stick it in,
it sounds like someone making keys.
Dad, I just wanted to clear up something.
The guys on my team
say you think we're a joke.
What? My perfect son, a joke?
Of course you're a goddamn joke. Didn't
you notice I named you S.H.A.T. Squad?
What? But I'm a general!
I bought that general outfit
from Party City, you idiot.
You didn't see the medals were printed on
and it came with a mask
and a trick-or-treat pumpkin?
And?
I made you a fake general to shut you up.
You think you could be an actual general?
Ha! You've never even left the city.
I can't. You know I have fatallergies.
Mom says if I breathe pollen,
my organs will disintegrate.
You still believe that crap?
Your mom made that up to keep you
in the city because she's overprotective.
You're her only son. The parts needed to
make another shriveled up 12 flarsecs ago.
I don't have fatallergies?
So I can leave the city
and go on that mission?
No, you might get hurt.
If you do, your mother will divorce me.
I'm not losing my throne.
So that's the only reason
you care if I live or die. Got it.
I'm going on a mission, and it's not
to bring back rocks for your koi pond.
I'm bringing back Bazarack's head!
Are you out of your goddamn mind?
My best men haven't been able
to kill Bazarack. I forbid it!
You can't tell me what to do!
I'm not a 29-year-old child anymore.
I'm 30 years old, finally a man.
Oh, and one more thing
[groans] Fine.
But you're getting Raisinets.
Where the fuck am I?
[adventurous music playing]
Farzar ♪
S.H.A.T. Squad,
the koi pond mission is off.
Instead, we're gonna kill Bazarack.
- What?!
- Yes!
I eat my own hair.
There's no way I'm going on this mission.
The only human part of me left is
my man part, and I don't wanna lose that.
I don't like to brag about it,
but it's big.
Well, if you care more
about your dick than me
I do. I don't like to brag about it,
but it's big, by the way.
Fine, we'll kill Bazarack
without you then.
Barry, we're gonna need
some special weapons for this mission.
Weapons? I'm your man.
Just drop this capsule into liquid
and it hydrates into a bouncy castle.
What good is a bouncy castle?
How else do you get your neighbors to take
off their shoes so you can sniff them?
Got any shit here that kills things?
Sure. Just blow into this
and it causes instant death.
Now we're talking, Barry! I can't wait
to kill some aliens with this. Ooh!
Oh, it's not for aliens. It's for you.
When you get torn apart
by some ungodly creature out there,
you'll be begging
for the reaper's sweet release.
I call it the sui-slide whistle.
[melancholy tone]
Damn it. I should be dead.
Oh. [chuckles]
Needs batteries.
Okay. What does this watch do?
It opens up wormholes.
But only to my mother's shower.
So it's broken?
No. I am.
So this is outside. It's glorious!
Hey, everybody. I'm little Bob Dukie.
This is my Little Bob Dukie dance.
So who knows how to find Bazarack?
So no one going to acknowledge
Little Bob Dukie, yeah?
Maybe that pack of snarling aliens
with fangs can give us directions.
Hey, guys!
[Mal grunting]
[aliens snarling]
Kids, today we are doing
an educational field trip with my sister.
We can learn so many things out here.
[gasps] Oh! Look! A is for artery.
B is for brains. C is for
Cunt?
Is it cunt, Ms. Skullcunt?
Yeah, okay, Tina, we need to talk.
Yeah, you single? My friend's nephew
is looking for some trim.
Billy, help!
Billy pick flowers for best friend. Aha!
Thank you, you fucked-up monster.
[sneezes]
Billy sad.
[aliens snarling]
Hey, asshole, those are my kills!
I get the most kills on every mission.
I had this!
R is for ripping off my face ♪
S is for sucked out eyeball ♪
[kids scream]
Scootie! I knew you'd come.
Yeah, I knew you'd die without me and
I'd feel guilty skipping your funerals.
That's why I bought this
from my Snuffle Snart dealer.
A map to Bazarack's hidden base.
The way to Bazarack
is through the nether regions,
which means
we'll have to outwit the Intellectoids.
We is the Intellectoids,
but I guess you done knew that
since you is too.
Yeah, these guys are smart, all right.
Wait a minute. What's the new password?
Password used to be my name,
but I kept forgetting it.
Don't tell 'em the old password!
What if they came back yesterday?
Oh, you didn't hear? It is yesterday.
Really? Well, shit. Come on in.
Great. Where should I hang this fake head?
Humans! Kill them sum bitches.
Cool, slide whistle!
[melancholy tone]
- Cool. Slide whistle.
- [melancholy tone]
- Cool! Slide whistle!
- [melancholy tone]
- Cool. Slide whistle.
- [melancholy tone]
- Cool! Slide whistle!
- [melancholy tone]
- Cool. Slide whistle.
- [melancholy tone]
- Cool. Slide whistle.
- [melancholy tone]
- Cool! Slide whistle!
- [melancholy tone]
Oh my God. All my friends are dead.
Cool. Slide whistle.
[melancholy tone]
Fichael takes the lead on kills!
Mal, looks like
you've got some catching up to
Would you stop playing around?
If we're gonna have a chance
against Bazarack, we've gotta get serious.
Do you know how scary that dude is?
[ominous music plays]
You wanted to see me, Lord Bazarack?
Yes. I need to know
how do I look?
How do you look, sir?
On a scale of one to ten,
how intimidating do I look?
Um, four?
Four? See!
I told you fuckers we've got a real
problem with my intimidation factor.
If we don't handle this,
it's going to ruin my entire brand.
Why do you care how you look, sir?
Perception is reality, mister!
You think the human city
could be taken over by a four out of ten?
I forgot you like fours.
I was at your wedding.
Ooh, I'm a sassy bitch!
Now let's get to work, you dicks.
You better make my cheekbones fierce,
or I'll pinch your purple tits off.
Where's my eyebrow plucker?
I want to look pissed off all the time.
Even when I'm happy.
Where'd my assistant go?
Right here, Lord Bazarack.
There's news from the slums.
Well, what is it, Clitoris?
Again, it's Clitaris.
Are you sure? Because you are
red and swollen and I can never find you.
[rim shot plays]
Get away from my drums!
Apparently the Czar's son
is on his way here to assassinate you.
Holy hell! We've got to redecorate
this whole base!
I'm talking fake spider webs.
All that scary shit.
Clitaris, get your gargoyle-looking,
fat fucking wife in here.
Better change my name to Sassarack.
Am I right?
Where's my fucking rim shot?
Okay, the map says we've got to make it
through the very bad, bad, bad forest.
Oh, this forest is cursed!
My skin is covered in bumps
and my breath has turned to smoke.
- It's called being cold, you spoiled shit.
- Billy not like it here.
Billy scared!
Oh, shit!
Back off, motherfucker, that's my kill!
It's just a baby!
What's your name, little guy?
Zobo!
Aw. Zobo want a rattle?
Suckle that, you little shit. [laughs]
Oh, stop it, Mal.
I'm Big Bob Dukie.
Have y'all seen my boy around? [exclaims]
[giggles] I think he's cute! Yes, you are.
You are a good guy, Fichael.
Oh, gross.
If you pork this dork, you'd better stay
on your side of the vagina.
Trust me. That won't be a problem.
I have a shockingly slender penis.
[action music playing]
[growls]
[screams]
[roars]
Is this hell?
S.H.A.T. Squad, mission accomplished!
It was a long journey,
but we finally found Bazarack's base.
[Mal] This is our base, dumbass.
That horse-hung trash can
led us in a giant circle.
Give me that map!
This this isn't even a map.
It's just some shitty drawing
of cartoon boobies. You betrayed us.
He wouldn't ever do that.
Ri Right, Scootie?
She's right, Fichael.
Your father offered me ten Snuffle Snarts
if I kept you away from Bazarack's base.
You betrayed me for Snuffle Snarts?
You don't secretly have a huge dick.
You secretly are a huge dick!
Sorry, Fichael.
I'll never turn my back on you again.
[squeals]
[Fichael] A cocktopus!
[Mal] Oh!
Scootie, help!
- [squeals]
- [Mal screams]
Hi! My family and I
are looking for new friends.
[smooth rap music playing]
Class, this is a very good time
to learn about digestion.
Oh, look at that.
Guess you already have. Oh, well.
- We've got to do something quick.
- Oh, uh, "quickly." It's an adverb.
Shut the fuck up, Val!
Do what? All I got is this worthless
dehydrated bounce house capsule.
Oh, crap. I dropped it.
- You know, since it's here
- All right, five minutes.
[all laughing]
[ominous music plays]
You two, spray more of that fake blood
on the walls.
My bone throne. Excellent.
Holy piss, this thing is uncomfortable.
Does it have to be so hard?
It's made of bones, sir.
Well, let's bring your wife in here.
She makes bones soft.
[rim shot plays]
A beat late, but I'll take it.
Speaking of late,
where the fuck is Prince Fichael?
That fog machine's gonna run out of juice.
Screw it. You know what?
Just go capture him and bring him here.
[laughing]
I'm being captured. [laughs]
Whatever.
[Renzo screams]
[Flammy moans]
[screams]
Thank God, you
I mean, how dare you interrupt us?
Sorry, sir. We just received word
from the nether regions.
Your son has been captured by Bazarack.
- What?
- He said it's time to go to Costco.
[grunts]
Pick me up some brownie brittle
while you're there, honey. [chuckles]
How did this happen?
I sent that Snart-head cyborg
to keep Fichael away from Bazarack.
We gotta get Fichael back here
before my wife's done shopping.
Where the hell is the turkey jerky?
I can't find shit in this store.
[ominous music plays]
Son of Renzo,
cower before Bazarack Killdiedeath!
So your last name is Killdiedeath?
That sounds like a made-up name.
No, that is my real name.
Why is "Finklestein" written
on the elastic of your tighty-whities?
Do you have to do that now?! Ah!
I'm stuck to the floor. Help!
Get away! Stop making me look silly
in front of this guy
who's here to kill me for some reason.
For some reason? It's my destiny
to rid this planet of evil.
You think I'm evil? [chuckles]
Your daddy is the evil one, mister!
He invaded our planet,
pushed us off our land,
ravaged our resources.
What? You invaded our planet.
Actually, he's right.
Our history books are all lies.
Your dad wrote them.
Also, you humans
kidnap and eat our babies.
What? There is no way
Well, yeah, we eat their babies.
They're delicious, nutritious,
and high in omega threes.
They're like avocados with softer skin,
but they scream when you eat 'em.
I I just can't believe it.
[laughs]
But you will when you see this. Curtains!
Your daddy is an evil asshole ♪
There's no way
That wicked prick has a soul ♪
He's meaner than a troll
His heart is black as coal ♪
Your daddy is an evil asshole ♪
He turned our corpses into sleds ♪
He played beach volleyball
With our heads ♪
He crucifies our pets ♪
Eats our babies with croquettes ♪
We had wealth until he stole it ♪
To make himself a goddamn toilet ♪
He grinds our grandmas into paste ♪
Just to exfoliate his fucking face ♪
See? Daddy evil.
But don't just take my word for it.
He tied my cock into a knot ♪
He took a shit in my mailbox ♪
He kicked my wife in the twat ♪
He parked in my handicapped spot! ♪
Your daddy is an evil asshole! ♪
Ah!
I can't believe it. My dad is evil.
That means we're the bad guys.
- Yep.
- Pretty much.
Yeah, even Billy knew that. Yes.
No! How can this be happening?
I don't want to be a bad guy.
Then you only have one option.
Be a good guy. Join me.
[cackles]
[thunder rumbles]
Enough with the lightning!
Now we're just trying too hard.
What the hell are you doing? You can't
betray your dad and join Bazarack.
Sure I can.
My dad lied to me my whole life.
I know he can be a little
Well, a lot evil. But he's still your dad.
I think you could get him to change.
He does care about you.
The only thing he cares about
is his precious throne.
He thinks I'm a joke.
Who cares about your dad?
You got me, your new BFF!
Bazarack Francine Finklestein.
Don't tell him my middle name!
Let's get you ready
for war.
See? An angular nose
really brings up your fright factor.
Wow. Thanks.
Nothing is too good for my new general.
You're making me a general?
Like a real general?
Like I get a uniform
with real medals that dangle?
Anything you want. Just lose the watch.
It clashes with your terror tassels.
Fine by me. It only opens a wormhole
to some old lady's shower anyway.
Wormholes? Hmm.
I'll tinker with this, if you don't mind.
We attack at dawn! You're a warrior now.
Yeah! I'm a warrior!
Now, let's take care
of that bush, General.
Nothing says fierce
like a hairless schmeckle.
Okay, you're supposed to be
the top minds on Farzar.
What's the plan?
Renzo, I'll shrink you down with this,
shove you up my ass,
then shrink myself down,
shove myself up his ass.
We go all around the table
until we're one big Russian nesting doll.
- And how does this help get my son back?
- Oh, we're still doing that?
Okay, who's the wiseass who decided to
put a manual transmission in this thing?
You know I can't drive stick, you fuckers!
Thanks for sticking by me, guys.
You're true friends.
Hey, hey, hey, slow down, puffy.
I don't care which side I'm on.
Kills are kills.
And, uh, make sure you hydrate, okay?
Don't want to cramp up mid-murder.
Look, I fixed your watch.
It's time to end this.
You want me to kill my own dad?
Dramatic!
Didn't you say it was your destiny
to rid this planet of evil?
And your dad is
- Hot?
- Evil!
Your dad is evil.
I told Fichael not to go on this mission.
He may be dead for all I know.
Why is my son such
a goddamn stupid, spoiled little shit?
I understand that you're upset.
If Fichael dies, you'll lose the throne.
The throne?
I don't want him to die because
he's my son
and I love him.
Wha What's happening?
Change of plans.
Thank you for telling me
the truth about my hot daddy,
but I cannot betray him.
But I think I can convince my father
to treat your people fairly.
You're going to convince
that evil bastard to be nice? How?
By earning his respect.
But I can't do it alone.
I'm going to need your help.
How can I help?
Ha! Poisoned the Gatorade.
2,000 kills. I win!
[laughs] Yeah!
[laughing]
[fanfare playing]
You did it, son.
Deep down, I always knew you could.
- No, you didn't!
- No, I didn't.
But I can do this.
[groans]
[clears throat]
Dear, I couldn't find any brownie brittle
and the short rib samples
tasted a bit dry.
Wait, did you let my son leave the city?
Renzo, you are done for!
No sunset sloppies for a month!
Oh no. Anything but that.
Dad, we need to talk.
Bazarack told me everything
and you're gonna change or
Careful, son.
If what he said was true,
do you think I'm the type of man
you want to threaten?
Now relax.
Let's just enjoy the game.
[upbeat pop music playing]
- That's too bad about Bazarack.
- [sighs]
- Good thing his race can grow new heads.
- [small voice] How intimidating am I now?
Scale of one to ten?
Be honest with me.
I did it!
I made it back
without losing my last human part.
[screams]
[adventurous music playing]