Father Figure (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

1 So, dinner around eight, OK? -Yeah, should I bring any wine or anything? No, it's OK.
I've got plenty.
I've got plenty.
It's the least I could do after what happened.
Isn't this lovely? Thank the Lord for the day.
Forgot the pot! Damn! So, we You and me Elaine and Helen for some very sorry chicken.
And pardon me, potatoes, and it won't happen again, gravy.
OK, sounds lovely.
Oh, and they'll be no flying beans anywhere, OK? No flying beans.
I'll be totally on top of everything in there.
Oh, hi, Helen! I think I'll rest a little more Cos the noise in my head keeps banging at the door Something easy, I'll find hard It's the man in me that keeps me running scared Cos your life spins round like a merry-go-round And you can't escape from these ups and downs Your dream's on hold for this crazy world But I wouldn't change a thing.
So See you around eight, OK? Afternoon, squire.
Tim.
Having a dinner party tonight? Yes, Tim.
Am I invited? No.
I see.
Oh, Dad, I'm bored! You said you'd play outside with us.
I'm trying to make the dinner here, OK? Can't.
Where are you going? I'm going to the loo.
Or is that against the law? No! Oh! Don't use that upstairs toilet, I'm still fixin' the door! You're making them Beef Birmingham, Dad? Shouldn't you make something a bit more, wellyou know, idiot-proof? Idiot-proof? I'll Oh, man! Oh, God! Oh, God.
I've been looking for this everywhere.
Look, just go and play with your brother, will you, OK? Let me cook the dinner.
And you sure you can manage? Yes, I can manage.
Thanks very much.
Yeah, OK.
Right, OK, OK.
Right.
Uh-huh.
Ah, huh-hah! Ha-hah! Ah! Right.
"Do not tenderisethe beef.
" Dad What? Good luck with that.
Huh? I'm a human poo.
Aah, it's everywhere! It's every Aah! Drew, what've you done?! It's chocolate spread.
Oh! Oh, thank I thought Good boy.
Bad boy! Go and have a shower.
I can't.
Why? You broke the shower head? I was bored, so I made a spaceship.
Vroom, vroom! Gimme that! I'm a human poo! Get Drew, don't I'm a human poo! Don't, don't! Oh, my God, how'm I gonna clean you? Don't go out that door.
Drew, don't.
I'm a human poo! Drew, don't, come back! Drew! Come back, Drew! Yeah.
Got you! Yeah, lovely! I love it! Aah! Yes! Yes! Ah-ha-hah! I love you in poo! Ha-hah Ah, kids! Human poo! We're not havin' that for dinner! All right? Yep, or beans, OK? Still a no! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What about ye?! Aah! What are you doing lying on the floor there? Cookin' dinner.
What are you making - meat and two tiny veg? D'you get that lemon sponge? Oh, aye, I got dessert.
Oh, brilliant.
A lemon sponge! That's dessert?! What are we doing, having a gypsy wedding?! Where'd you get that? Well, there's this little fancy hotel, I like to go for a posh poo, right? It's gorgeous, you know, like, wooden seats and aloe vera bog roll, it's great.
So I was coming out and there it was, in the hallway.
So, Roddy's your uncle.
So, you mean you stole it? No, no, no, you see, you know Roddy, he likes to give the waitress a big tip.
Ah! How much did you give her? Fiver.
And I'm sure Keith and Linda won't mind.
Yoo-hoo! Hello, Tom! How are you doing, Roddy? What's with the air-traffic control stuff? Your father won't let me listen to Jessie J in the car.
We've been shouting at each other all the way over here.
What? I said, we've been shouting at each other all the way over here.
What?! I said, we've been shouting at each other all the way over here! What in the name of God are you shouting for? Jesus.
You all right there, Pat? Ooh, ah I've a bit of chafing from sitting on the edge of the couch.
I told you to sit further back into the couch, Dad.
Yeah, but if I sit too far back I'd never get meself out of it and I've to rock meself backwards and forwards for ages.
Only yesterday his fat arse wedged an opening in the back of the couch, then my bum fell into it and he had the both of us trapped.
D'ah! Damn! Lucky enough, I had a spare fig roll left over, so I threw it into the middle of the floor and your father shot out of the sofa like Usain Bolt.
I'd do anything for a biccy, me.
So where's the neighbours? They're still in their house and the dinner's not ready yet.
Well, you'd want to get a move on, son, they'll be here in two hours.
Ehyes, THEY will, but YOU won't, So, can you please leave my kitchen? Thank you! Here, look it - now that I'm here, I might as well help out.
Look, Mum, this is MY apology dinner for MY neighbours.
Look, son, if you don't let me help, you're just going to have to make another apology dinner to apologise to them for poisoning them this evening.
And then cooking another apology dinner for that apology dinner and then on and on, and suddenly you're an old man with your arse trapped down the back of a sofa.
Why are you two here? To make your life easier, son.
Is it oxtail? I don't know, is it oxtail, Tom? What?! The meat, is it oxtail? Oxtail?! Very tricky to cook, oxtail.
You see, I can't eat oxtail, it slows me pacemaker down.
Look, it doesn't matter if it's oxtail or not because you'renotinvited.
Hello, not invited.
Oh, thank God for that.
I can't stand oxtail.
I'm heading off into the telly.
Ah, the telly, Mum.
Why don't you go and watch the telly and then walk by it and go out the front door? Mother of God on high in the name of the angels! THAT is a cake.
Oh, it's magnificent.
All I'd need now would be a giant cup of tea and I'd be in heaven.
THAT is the dessert.
Well done, Roddy.
Oh, d'you know, the only thing that can relax me now is to do a little bit of cooking.
Oh, Mum! Mum Dad, don't touch that, it's for the neighbours! Ah, just a lick.
No, no It's made of oxtail.
Mum, Mum, no! It'll just be the merest morsel of help, so tiny you won't even notice it's there.
Mum, gimme that.
No.
Gimme the masher.
No, I will not.
Mum, gimme the masher.
No, let Mammy mash it out! Mum, gimme the masher! Let Mammy mash it out, son.
Mum, let go of it.
No.
No! Gimme it.
Thomas, give me that masher back! Leave it, leave it.
No, no, no, I won't.
Gimme it.
No, I won't.
Give it.
Gimme that.
I won't, Tom.
Give me that.
Now, look, Tom.
Everyone needs a bit of advice, sometimes in the kitchen.
Tom, no! Let go of it, you crazy cow! Let go! No! Give it to me! She's nearly dead! One more blow should do it! (Come on!) Ahh Let me mash, Tom.
(Shut up!) Tom, I beg you.
Later for dinner, is it? Oh, go away, Tim! Fair enough.
Mary.
Tim.
I live to mash! Please, Tom, let me! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No! Gimme it! Oh, me back.
Oh, are you cleaning down there, Mum? Just a little bit.
Get up.
Get up, Mum! No, no, no! Mum, get up! No! Get up, Mum, get up! Get up! I won't, I Well It's been months since you done that to me, Tom.
Hello, Elaine! Hi, I'm just a bit confused cos I thought it was you, me, Helen and Brendan for dinner, but there's your mum.
Oh, now, purely in an advisory capacity, Elaine.
Can I have some of the cake? And your dad's here? And, of course, Roddy.
I'd leave that for a few minutes if I was you.
Oh, the beautiful Elaine.
And look at you, you're looking gorgeous even after a long day in the office, huh? Well, I've been in this suit all day and I will NOT be using these tights again.
Well, if you're throwing them out Ah, my two favourite boys.
Hi, Nan, Mum.
Hi, Nan, any presents for us? Give your granny a kiss.
Ooh, careful, lads.
She kisses your father with that mouth.
No present, no kiss.
Can I help? Ehno, thanks.
Your help only results in me screaming for help.
I was a human poo earlier, Mum.
Dad tried to eat him.
Do I need to hear about this or do I NOT need to hear about this? You do not need to hear about this, I've sorted it.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, yeah! Well, that's all lovely, lads, but Mummy needs her special medicine.
Why don't you pop in there and play with Grandad? Sofinally heading off there, Mum? Well, not yet.
I'm just going to check on your father.
Ah, who's in here? I like going this way, I prefer the wallpaper on this route.
More wine, garcon.
Aw, oui, Madame, and will Madame be passing out on the couch later? Bu Probably! Sweets, where's the sweets, Grandad? Ah, now, Grandad doesn't give you sweets.
Fruit, you mean.
Where's the fruit? Aah! I'll help yous, lads.
Aah, now let go, you'll You'll crush me Curly Wurlies! Relax.
Curly Wurly! Curly Wurly! Wallet! Ah Thank you, Grandad.
Now, I will give you a pack of sticky spiders that I got in a toy shop if you'll do your little dance for me later.
Not that again? Not the Grandad face? Please? All right, but just once.
Da-dah! Let's go on the trampoline and throw them so they'll stick and roll down the windows.
For once, a good idea, my little friend.
Share them, Drew! Pat Whyte, what are you giving them chocolate and rubbery spiders for? I'm their grandad, it's what we do.
Well, I wish you'd slip me a Curly Wurly now and again.
We're far too old for that now, Mary.
Oh, you're a pretty handy cook, Tom.
Elaine! Ah, get! Well, you need a bit more stock in it.
No I'm doing the cooking! I'm just helping a bit.
No, this is my meal, I'm doing it my way.
All right, well, I'll call the hospital, put intensive care on stand-by, shall I? Well, just for that, you can give this a little taste.
You all right there, Mary? Don't mind me, I'm not even here.
Mum, look, everything's under control.
You, Dad and Roddy can just go home.
D'you know, I don't know what the world is coming to.
If the good Lord had intended for men to cook, wouldn't we see them doing it on the telly? I'm only glad Jesus isn't here to see this kind of carry on.
He'd be on Celebrity Come Dine With Me if he was.
Ah, now, Elaine, Jesus would only ever do Strictly Come Dancing.
Och, why don't you go home and watch Strictly Come Dancing, Mum? No, no, son.
I'll just look after the beef and get the veg on nice, that's all.
No, the beef is fine and the veg is nice and crunchy.
You see, you see! You don't know what you're talking about.
No, you have to boil the bejesus out of your vegetables, so that they're nice and soft and free of blight.
It's not 1974, Mary.
No, your ma's right, Tom.
I remember when we were in the Army, right? Eh, Scouts! When we were in the Army we used to get a big tin, right? And we used to put carrots and potatoes and onions into it and cook it till it was nearly liquid.
Eh, that's soup, Roddy.
Aye, right enough.
You sure you've got enough beer cans there? Oh, yeah.
Mary, please stop stirring the pot and bog off out the kitchen.
Come on, just relax.
Come on, let's just go in and relax.
You know, you're right.
I will go and relax, I'll go and scrub the toilet.
Do we have to go tonight? Well, we're good Christians, we should be able to forgive.
Brendan, I found baked beans in my Naughty Helen! Flip-flops, naughty Brendan! Well, we forgave him for that, so He put a javelin through our bathroom window.
And we forgave him for that.
He set fire to the garden, Brendan.
Well, at least the kids are nice.
Yeah, sticky spiders! Wheee! Aah! Sticky spiders! Sticky spiders! Wheee! Aah! Sticky spiders, wheee! It's OK, it's just the one, just the one.
Aah, aah Dad? Yeah? Drew got sick on the trampoline.
Oh Aw! Are you all right, love? Yes, just a bit of Curly Wurly.
Aw Are you OK, are you sure you're fine? Probably start those carrots again, Tom.
Sit down and I'll get you some water.
Get him some water, Tom.
Some water now, please.
Here.
Take little sips and calm down.
I'm fine, it's gone.
Yeah, in the pot! Oh, jeez.
Carrots.
What? How did you know? I bugged your whole house! Hah, joking! Or am I? I am.
Or am I? OK, I can take a hint.
Same time for dinner tonight then? Still no.
I'll bring a chair.
I just went to go to the upstairs loo and the door's jammed.
Nan's stuck in there.
Oh, bloody hell! That dinner's going to be muck! I'm not missing this.
Our Mary! Come on, Drew, this'll be fun.
Coming, Mum.
Mwah! Mum! Mum! No answer.
Yeah, I know that.
Mum! Mum!! She's not answering.
Will you shut up, Roddy?! What's going on here? Mum's locked in the loo.
Is she all right? She's not answering.
What? She's not answering.
Ah, she's grand, so.
I'll be in at the telly.
Give us a shout when you get the door open.
Mum, answer the bloody door! Open the door, Mum.
You're going to have to put your shoulder to it, Tom.
There's no run-up.
Use the stairs! Oh, OK.
Move over.
Right, OK.
OK, Mum! Oh! Good man, Tom.
A few more of them and you'll have it through.
Yeah, why don't you give it a go? Can't, Tom, I've got one leg longer than the other, look at that.
See, if I was trying to run up those stairs, it would look like I was trying to get up a conveyor belt.
Well, we can always leave her up there until after dinner! Go, Dad, you can do it.
Yeah, Dad! Whoo-hoo! OK.
OK, here we go this time.
("Let Me Entertain You" by Robbie Williams plays) Oh! Aaaah! Go, Dad! Oh! Come on! Come on, Dad! Go on, go on, go on! Oh! Go on, Dad! Hit him, hit him! Good horsey.
Oh! Come on, Dad! Push, Dad.
You're pushing me, pushing me! Ah! I I give I give up.
Do it like a dude! Aah! Look, Tom.
Will you put some toilet paper in that main bathroom? I had to use your en suite and I don't like doing my business so close to your bedding.
I'll be in the kitchen.
I'll check on the dinner.
No, Mum, leave it! Ah! Stay out, get out! No, no, Tom! None of you are coming in! Stop! Oh, right Wah! Yeah! Here's Mammy! Mum Mum, don't.
Don't touch that dinner.
Don't! Uh! I knew it! I knew it! What? Yes, that is disgusting.
I knew you wouldn't be able to manage it.
What do you mean? No way! This is totally fine.
It is and it's arse fine! I knew you wouldn't be able to manage it.
Mum! What?! Mary saves the day yet again.
What are you doin' with a cooked chicken in your handbag?! I mean, who does that? I knew you wouldn't be able to pull it off.
Now, hand me that umbrella there.
Huh? Here.
Uh, of course, vegetables in the umbrella(!) Yeah, and what's next? Gravy in your tights?! Careful, Elaine, it's for the neighbours.
Ah, they're not going to miss this little bit.
"More medicine, Elaine?" Come on, lads.
I love this, Roddy.
I know, it reminds me of back home.
Are yous ready, boys? Yes.
I'm ready.
Right, come on then, lads.
Diddle liddle liddle liddle lid did did Dee dee-dee dee-dee-dee.
Dee dee-dee diddle dee That's right, lads.
Great footwork, boys.
I won't, no! Let the chicken out, Tom! No! Let the chicken out! Careful of the cake, boys, it's for the neighbours! No! No, let go and let it out! Maybe we should just tell them I'm not well.
We'll do it just this once.
He is a normal chap underneath it all.
Aah! Ow! I suppose you're right.
Love thy neighbour and all that.
Aah! Aah! I hope they like my chocolate mousse.
Everybody loves your chocolate mousse, Brendan.
No, no Aah! Aah! Oh It's open.
Hello? Hello? Hello! We brought some mousse.
Brought some mousse.
Everybody loves Brendan's mousse.
That is very nice mousse, Brendan.
You've ruined my dinner, Mum! Ruined it! Here's what I think of your mash.
Aah! Ooooh! Oh, my I'm so sorry! That's OK.
We forgive you.
Helen? Ta-dah! Oh, piss off, Tim! Cheers.
I'm the last of the Irish Rover.
("The Irish Rover" by The Pogues plays)