Filthy Preppy Teen$ (2016) s01e01 Episode Script

1
[rhythmic clapping]
[upbeat electronic music]
♪
- As we begin
a new school year,
I have some
subjectively bad news.
Many of you
may have heard that
our two most popular
and wealthy students,
Meegan and Chaad Bishop,
were tragically
lost at sea
three months ago
and are presumed dead.
We can only hope
that they died quickly.
To recite a few lines,
we have our own
slam poet,
Patrick "Slamrock" O'Brien.
[clapping]
Give it up for Patrick.
- Thank you,
Miss Tarcher.
[inspirational music builds]
Slamrock represents
Chaad and Meegan.
We all freaking.
School ain't been the same
since you've been sleeping
with the fishes.
Damn,
if I had one wishes,
be for
you to come back
and to
never do the dishes
[light clapping]
- Thank you, Slamrock,
for that moving poem.
- I feel the sun
on my shoulders ♪
I'm warm when
I'm with you ♪
I feel the love
taking over♪
- Braff.
What's your fail?
Are you not into
this make-out sess?
- It's not that, Macauley,
it's just
you mean so much to me.
And that's something
I've been wanting to tell you.
Something I just--
I knew ever since
the first time I saw you.
- Oh, my God.
- Man, I've--I've never
said this out loud before,
but I know
I can tell you.
I'm going to
pretend to be gay.
- You're what?
- Look,
the gay clique
is the most powerful crew
at my new school.
Look, if I can
fit in with them,
I'll be high school
royalty.
Look it's a chance to
totally reinvent myself.
- But what about us?
- Look, I promise,
I promise
once I'm King Gay,
I'll send for you,
and you can take
your rightful place
by my side as
my straight best-friend.
- I don't know.
- I'm doing this
for both of us.
[teen pop music flourishes]
♪
I'm so glad
I told you.
- I do it all
for you ♪
Mm-hmm ♪
- Thanks for offering to drive
Evanessa to school, Beatrix
- No probs.
God, I can't believe
it's been two years
since you and Mr. C
got married.
- Oh, that was Donna.
I'm the new wife.
- Oh, my God,
what happened?
- She turned 35.
Honey, your friend Beatrix
is here.
- Hey, sleepyhead.
Missed you so hard all summer.
You miss me?
[dramatic sting]
Well, okay.
[scoffs]
Are you still mad at me
for saying
your eyebrows
are too thin?
Well, they were,
okay?
You can stop giving me
the silent treatment now.
What the gup
is your problem?
Will you get up
and talk to me?
[monitor beeping]
OMG.
What happened
to Evanessa?
- She's in a coma.
- How?
- Well, she went to
a Childish Gambino concert
and something about
the beats and her brainwaves--
I don't know what happened,
but it's a 1/1000 chance.
- No way.
That is so awesome!
No wonder you're super skinny,
I'm so jelly.
God, with this waistline
and your new
super-aloof attitude
you're gonna be
more popular than ever.
Well, come on.
We're gonna be late
for school.
[whispering] Bitch.
[pleasant music]
♪
- Enjoying the view,
darling?
- Will you take
a look at this, babe?
They cook, they clean,
they're Swedish.
Who could ask for
a better couple of kids?
We done good.
- You know, darling, we didn't
raise Jorgen and Krill.
- No, but we did
buy them online,
and I for one
believe in consumer pride.
- You know, sometimes, I miss
our long-lost children,
Meegan and Chaad.
But then, I get a bite
of one of Jorgen's
crullers, and wow
- [exhales]
- I can't think
of anything else,
except, "Give me another bite
of that cruller."
- Yeah.
[doorbell rings]
[intensely dramatic music]
- Mom
Dad
we're alive.
- I need the car,
some wet wipes,
and an AmEx.
[funky pop music]
♪
- Jeez, Dad.
I thought you and Mom would be
psyched we were alive.
- Honey, it's not that
we aren't happy.
- You replaced us with
these Ikea-Stepford kids.
- It's been three months.
We had to
emotionally move on.
And besides, all the major
content aggregates
said you were dead.
- Even BuzzFeed
confirmed it?
- BuzzFeed wrote
the listicle.
- We were lost,
but now we're back.
You can't just
throw us away.
- We can't throw
Jorgen and Krill out either.
They're family.
- So are we.
- If you two need
a place to crash
so you can get
back up on your feet,
you can stay in
the pool house annex.
- The pool house?
- The pool house annex.
- And just until I make that
my hot yoga man-cave,
then you're on your own.
- Welcome back, though.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
[electronic music]
♪
male voice: The Gay Mafia.
[echoing]
Mafia.
- Dude, hey, quick,
beat me up.
- No way, man.
I save my fists for nerds.
- G--Gay Mafia--Mafia.
- Hey, I'm a nerd.
I'm a nerd!
- You look
pretty cool.
- I'll give you
50 bucks.
- What is this,
public school?
- [skipping]
G--Gay--
- 2,000.
- Okay.
- No, don't hurt me just because
of my sexual orientation!
- Whoa, dude,
you're gay?
I'm so sorry.
Deal is off.
I don't mess with your crew.
Hey, guys, good to see you.
[electronic music builds]
♪
- Whoa.
Bed hottie.
- Wow.
I was right.
Everyone thinks
you're the shizz.
[heart monitor beeping]
It's so great.
- Yo, babe!
- Mack.
Baby, I've missed you
so much.
- Me too, baby,
I was thinking we--
Whoa.
Evanessa, is that you?
Dang, girl, you're looking
gupping amazing.
So thin.
- Hello.
Haven't seen you
in three months over here.
- Right, babe, I'm sorry.
- To be stronger ♪
- Look, I got to go
hit class.
Why don't we hook up
after school,
and, uh, why don't
you bring Evanessa?
If that's cool
with you.
- Look, Evanessa,
I realize you've re-imagined
yourself, or whatever,
but Mack is my man.
So keep off.
Wheel yourself
to class.
- Look good, E.
[upbeat teen pop music]
- Take a look around
it's a brand new day ♪
I don't want to say ♪
- So, guys,
I've been thinking
since Meegan and Chaad
are gone,
it's up to me to throw
the first party of the year.
It's gonna be tonight
and you all are invited.
- Sweet.
- Wait, tonight?
I have Gregor v Mann tomorrow,
I'm gonna be up all night
preparing my closing arguments.
- Parker, you need
to quit that job.
It's literally
ruining your life.
- Being a high powered lawyer
is going to look really good
on college applications.
[laughter]
- Is she serious?
- Oh, God!
- Hello, everyone.
[dramatic music pounds]
We're back.
[dramatic sting]
- Hey.
- Don't be such
a chatterbox, Chaad.
Now, I know our disappearance
probably confused a lot of you,
but we're alive so life can go
back to normal, everybody.
- Listen, Meegs,
I mean, we're all
super sad that you were
left for dead,
or whatever,
but when you were gone,
time marched on.
Everything's
super different now.
- It's only been
three months.
- Three months is like
the equivalent to five years
in high school months.
- Well, we're back.
And tonight we're hosting
our annual Back to School party.
- Too late.
I'm throwing it
and everyone's going.
Right, guys?
all: Yeah.
- Sorry, Meegs.
Sorry, Chaad.
Let's go, everyone.
[whispering]
Super awkward.
- I think
we're losers now.
♪
[electronic music]
- They couldn't have
forgotten about us this fast.
Someone did this
on purpose.
Who would have vandalized
our memorial?
- I'm guessing a
graffiti artist
of some sort.
- No.
Someone who would have
something to gain
by keeping us on
the bottom rung of the ladder.
- Someone with another ladder.
- Someone on the top of
our ladder.
[girls giggling]
[dramatic music pounds]
- She think she can
replace us?
That's insulting.
- If they don't want to
let us back on top,
we're gonna have to
break in and take it.
Like they did
in "Tower Heist."
- I haven't seen it yet.
but I'm assuming there's a
break-in of some sort,
probably on a top floor.
- Beatrix has already given us
the perfect opportunity.
Her party,
it's her first big one,
but after we break in
and wreck it,
it'll be her last.
Then no more
Beatrix issues.
- Or you can let me
handle her even more directly.
[dramatic music pounds]
Hyah!
- No, Chaad.
That's island talk.
[laughter]
- You're a lot
of fun, Braff.
You know so much
gay stuff,
like I can't believe
we haven't hung out with you.
- I know.
Oh!
Oh, did you guys know
that in 1974,
Elaine Nobles was the first
elected openly-gay official
in the United States?
- Braff!
You got a lot of nerve showing
your face around here, dude.
- I don't know
what you're talking about.
- What are you kidding me?
You stole my girlfriend
last year.
It was the same week
as homecoming.
- He stole your girlfriend?
- I don't know
what he's talking about.
- No, hey, relax, man.
It's not like I'm gonna
kick your ass or anything.
I mean, actually,
it was kind of like
the best thing that
ever happened to me.
I got with Gwenn Stevens
afterwards.
So life's pretty tight.
Thanks, man.
- What was that?
- Oh! We were just
rehearsing a scene
for theschool play.
- Theater!
I love the theater.
You and I are going
to see a musical, my friend.
We have a date
with Fandango.
- Hey, Evanessa,
it's Mack, from before.
[heart monitor beeping]
Sorry, I didn't mean
to bother you.
I can tell you're
in deep thought about something.
Is it about the upper part
of that wall up there?
- That bitch!
She can't flirt with
my boyfriend like that.
- You really do
care about things.
[beeping continues]
- I thought
we were friends.
Hey, Mack!
Will you come give me a hand
with my vagina?
- Catch you later,
Evanessa.
Where is it?
[cell phone ringing]
- Something's going on.
People are getting
texts about something.
Ugh. Nothing!
Did you get anything?
- Nope.
- Grab it.
- Hey!
- We need to see your phone.
- Mmm.
[beeps]
- What the hell?
- What's wrong with
your phone, kid?
- Uh, it's Blink.
♪
Where have you been
the last three months,
on a desert island?
Oh, right, you were.
- What's "Blink?"
- Text messages that disappear
after two seconds.
- Is it about the party?
Where is it?
- Listen, I can't be seen
talking to you guys, okay?
- We need to
find someone willing
to tell us where
this party is.
- Or make them willing.
[darkly ominous tone]
Fine.
[whoosh]
♪
- I have a guacamole massage
30 minutes ago.
Tell me now.
- We can't tell you
anything.
Beatrix made
everyone promise.
- Where is the party?
I won't ask again.
- Don't make me
boom you.
- Mm-mmm.
- Fine!
It's at Beatrix's house.
- That makes
a lot of sense.
- Hiding
in plain sight.
- [sighs]
- God, her plan was perfect.
[funky electronic music]
♪
- B, are you in here?
Beatrix?
[heart monitor beeping]
Oh, come on, B, I thought you
said this was urgent.
- Is this what you like?
I got this hospital bed
just for you.
[somber music]
- This is whack.
I'm not into the kinky stuff.
- I thought this is
what you wanted.
You've been
all over Evanessa
ever since she
came back to school.
- You've been smothering me!
- What, I'm--
I'm not even touching you.
- Look, I just think
we need a break, you know?
Have a little space?
You know, I'm not even
in a relationship mode anyway.
- Are you dumping me?
- You know I hate labels.
But, yes, exactly.
Later.
- [groans]
[heart monitor flatlines]
Stupid wires.
- You are Hollywood's
best and most expensive
screenwriting team,
and we have a problem.
We need to sabotage
a Back to School party
and take back
our popularity,
but we have no idea
how to do it.
And since you guys
have punched up
dozens of teen comedies,
we thought you could
write us a plan.
- Also, we really
want this to feel like
"Tower Heist"
meets "Clueless."
Keep in mind, I haven't seen
either of those movies,
but, uh, I think
I made a really good point.
- Also, we don't want to
resort to pig's blood,
a dance off,
calling the cops, or passing
a new drug that makes people
forget their social standings.
- What?
Ah, damn it.
It's all we got.
[electronic dance music]
♪
- Let's get to work.
- Grab your drinks ♪
I got a drink
in my hand ♪
Chug and get another one,
I think that's my plan ♪
- That's why
it's so important
to wear your new jeans
in the bath
and let them dry
on your body.
- Braff! Braff!
- Get your oven mitts out.
We have a hot mess alert.
- I saw you across the way
and I figured we could chill.
[ominous music]
- Braff,
you know this girl?
- No.
- Braff.
- Prove it, Braff.
Slam her.
Slam her style.
♪
- Hey, girl,
you shop so much retail,
you thought you had a cyst but
it turned out to be a price tag.
[laughter]
- Braff?
What does that even mean?
- Does Forever 21 know
you make their clothes
look like
Gonna Die Before 31?
- Ha-ha! 31.
- You want to laugh?
You want to hear
a great joke?
You let a straight guy
into your Gay Mafia.
- Braff, straight?
Never.
- Yeah, do like brown lipstick
and don't come back.
- Wow.
Definitely one of us now.
For sure.
- I got it like that ♪
Got it like that ♪
[hip-hop music]
- I can't believe
you brought her.
- I can explain.
- And to think
I trusted you.
You are the most conniving,
manipulative bitch!
[hawks, spits]
- I'm so sorry
about that, babe.
- Remember what those
Hollywood writers told us.
- Best way to win our
popularity back is to reveal
to the football team that you
were a girl all along?
- The other thing.
They said in all their movies,
whenever someone unpopular
wants friends, they tell a lie
to gain attention
from the cool kids.
- But that comes crashing down
in the third act
when the people realize
that their friendships
are based on falsehoods.
- Good thing there's
no third act in real life.
We need to start
a whisper campaign.
voices: Whisper campaign.
We need everyone to know
that this party sucks,
and that there's a way cooler
party down the block
at our house.
[slow motion]
This party sucks.
When everyone bails
on Beatrix's party,
she'll be devastated.
[echoing]
Whisperthis party sucks.
And we'll be
back on top.
[door slams shut]
- [whispering]
This party sucks.
- Hello!
Hello?
Where the hell
did everyone go?
Ugh, Evanessa, you're the
last person I wanted to see.
And the last person here.
I can't believe you stayed
when everyone else left.
I was right,
you're unbeatable,
so I submit.
Let's let
bygones be bygones.
Bring it in, best-y.
[teen pop music builds]
- Cheers!
- Pretty terrific
party, right?
- Seriously, me and my crew
having a blast.
- Braff!
- Come on over, gay guy!
- I used to think
Beatrix was cool,
but I was a fool.
Fun has begun
because I figured out
that Meegan and Chaad
are the cool ones.
- It's so true.
- Your plan worked.
It looks like we're back.
- We have a long way
to go yet.
This is just the first step.
By the end of this year,
I'll be Prom Queen
and you'll be my king.
♪
- Someone would have
found us, right?
- I don't know.
- This is nothing
like the Alps.
♪
- female narrator: This season
on "Filthy Preppy Teen$"
you won't believe what lies
ahead for Meegan and Chaad.
[razor buzzing]
- Aah!
- What did we do wrong?
- Just everything.
- Shipwrecked on an island
for three months,
and the whole world
falls apart.
- I want to cut off your nose
and put it on my nose.
- You must be my stalker.
It's so great
to finally meet you.
narrator: Heads will roll.
- [screaming]
[snake rattling]
[snap]
- Who the hell are you?
- I'm a distant relative
of Saint Patrick.
- No way.
- Amazing.
- By rape.
both: Oh.
- You must learn
how to protect yourself
with one of these.
narrator: Boomerangs will fly.
- What's up
with that outfit, bro?
- [deep voice] I am Boom.
- [groans]
- I didn't go to law school
over spring break in high school
to be some middle-of-the-road
high school spring break lawyer.
- I know Meegan and Chad
are dying
to be prom
king and queen,
but it's not
gonna be that easy.
- I guess it's time
you learned, son,
you're a leprechaun.
- [demonic voice]
Welcome to Hell!
- You ever sex it out
in classroom?
- That'd be
against the rules.
- We are going to bulldoze
my daughter's school.
- What are you doing?
Where will we go?
- Public school.
narrator: And Brewster Bay
will never be the same.
[epic music]
♪
- Yeah, I totally
waxed for this.
- Don't say another word.
- I wasn't going to.
I finished the description.
♪
[claps and snaps]
[upbeat music]
♪
[creature growls]
[typewriter keys click, ding]
[rhythmic clapping]