Fool Britannia (2012) s01e01 Episode Script

1 Fool Britannia.
Hello? Welcome to Fool Britannia, with me, Dom Joly.
Do you want cakes? I've spent the best part of a year travelling across our fair isle, poking fun at us Brits.
Legally I have to tell you I'm not a real seagull.
I don't want to go in! Ow! Armed with a lorryload of hidden cameras and a host of disguises, I've unleashed an army of brand-new characters designed to shine a light on the comedy state of the nation.
That is unbelievable.
Smell it.
It's good Have you ever had a dog wink at you? No-one and nowhere is safe.
You're a bloody fool! Even the tourists are fair game.
Ladies? Hats on! Thank you! And my mission is clear you're never gonna get an experience like this.
To cause chaos in every corner of the land.
Oh, yay! Leg it! First up, we're visiting the idyllic Cotswolds.
Nothing embodies the calm of the countryside more than the good old village vicar.
In these turbulent times, you can always rely on a man of the cloth to set a good example.
Can't you? Morning.
Where are you from? Warwick.
Warwick? Oh, I'm sorry.
Have you seen this here? Oldest stone in the village.
Oh Yes.
This stone here was hewn in 1223 and then put into place in 1225 by Geoffrey Conundrum.
Looks like there's been a bit of bloodshed in the tea rooms! I always wonder what it's like to drive one of those.
When you're a boy, you want a go.
Hold this for one second for me.
Look at me! I'm an ambulance driver! Ha ha! What happened? He said, 'I've always wanted to drive one of these!' Who did? The vicar! Vicar? Yeah! Just when things can't get much worse look who's back.
I've bloody crashed it! Yes, put it in the wall! I went round the corner and I had all the lights flashing and it went into the wall! Don't go in there, then.
Why, what's happening? They want the ambulance.
It's such fun, though.
So now I've taken a police car, an ambulance.
All I need is a fire engine for the three! Ha ha! Whoa, what a day! What a day! Hello! Sorry, I've crashed it! It's just round the corner.
Ha ha! Don't worry, they've got plenty.
I don't think those ladies will be making a donation to the village church anytime soon.
He's loopy.
I'm going! This year the UK has experienced a boom in tourism.
You are border police? I have visa, please.
That's why my information booth has been regularly popping up all over Britain Listen to me, you are here to help! This is MY map.
That's MY map! Follow me.
Coming to the aid of confused visitors and locals alike.
The Bridge of Doom is just down there.
I have the leaflet here Hello, minicab? There's just one simple rule.
I'm always happy to help! Hello, lady, how may I help you? Can you tell me where there's a Pizza Hut? Yes, please, but first I must tell you I'm not allowed to give you a personal decision.
I just wanna know where Pizza Hut is.
If you go to touch-tone, it will tell you.
So press 1-2-star.
It's 1-2-star.
Very good.
You have selected Pizza Hut option.
Would you like directions, 1, or opening times, 2? You have selected directions to Pizza Hut.
For directions walking, please press OK, you have selected walking directions to Pizza Hut.
Turn around and walk 100 yards.
Down that way? Yes.
You need to log out, please.
0-0 4-2 3-6 97-4-2 star 1-3 4-9 8-7-6 star.
OK.
4-3 2-5-6 7-9-9 Oh 4-1 8-6-2 7-5 star.
OK, so that is now your personal pincode.
If you come here again and have problems, you use that number and you just do enter, and that way we can make it a lot smoother for you.
Can't remember it.
OK.
Happy to help.
Judging by her direction, she's also forgotten what she wanted in the first place.
Next up we're in Liverpool, a city famed for its football, culture and sense of humour.
But when it comes to this jobsworth My name is Ian Yard.
Health and Safety.
Special Ops.
How are you? That sense of humour is stretched to the limit.
Now you're in a danger zone.
You're Health and Safety? I'm just trying to do my job here.
OK.
Thank you.
Want proof? Just ask this lady.
Hello, madam.
Is the engine off? Yeah.
I'm doing some random speed checks.
Basically I've got you at 14mph.
This is a 6mph zone.
It only goes 4mph! We're not at Brands Hatch here! It's sort of boy racing - (BLEEP!) It doesn't go any faster than 4mph.
Can I just ask you, then, to go across the square? We'll test if it's working.
All right? I'll tell you when to come.
Hang on.
OK.
Come towards me.
Keep going.
Keep going.
Keep going.
And stop.
Stop, stop, stop.
Turn the engine off, please.
Yeah, 14mph.
That's wrong.
I'm sorry, I put her up full blast! Obviously if I had one of these, I'd be burning around as well.
Hang on.
I'll have to ask you just to - Just leave me alone.
Go away.
It doesn't do more than 4mph, so go away.
I have to ask, have you been drinking today? Don't be so stupid! It's just that Get away from me, will you? It's now 16.
I'll have to issue a ticket here.
Go away from me! Sir, are you with this lady? Has she been drinking today? I'm going to hit him in a minute.
You refuse to take a breath test? (BLEEP) a breath test! - I haven't had a drink in six months! - (BLEEP) off! If you just accept the caution, I can leave you alone.
Do you accept it, sir? Yes.
Do you? I don't accept it.
OK.
Thank you very much.
Remember, stay safe.
There's no arguing with some people, as this lady's husband discovered years ago! On to Britain's most westerly point - Land's End.
It's a view that just can't be beaten, however hard you try.
You all right? Do you want any more or are you finished? That's fine.
And to think I've just saved him a fortune in air fare.
There's no pleasing some people.
Us Brits love a good night out.
But to do so means negotiating the nightclub bouncer.
With strict rules of what you can and can't wear, they can spoil anybody's night.
Let's see how the good people of Croydon react to the same door policy outside a sports shop.
Uh-uh.
Not in those.
Not in these? No trainers.
Uh? No trainers.
What, in a sports shop? Yeah.
It's a new policy.
You can leave them there.
You're having a right laugh, aren't you? No.
Sorry, lads.
No trainers.
Some Russians have bought the place.
They want a better class of customer.
Sorry, gentlemen.
No trainers.
Are you serious? We're serious, yeah.
If you'd like to leave your shoes there.
These are shoes.
Those are trainers.
They're not trainers.
I'm not gonna argue with you, fella.
If you can't be bothered to dress up, you can't shop.
You can't go in with trainers.
But you SELL trainers in here! Yeah, but you can't wear them.
You can wear them in JD and Foot Locker! You can't wear them here.
Why? If consumers want to buy something I presume they want people to make an effort when they shop.
I can't go in with a dress? No, you're all right, yeah.
You can't, though.
If you can just clear out a bit.
Sorry, love.
No trainers.
Pardon? No trainers.
Do you want me to take my shoes off? Yeah.
Oh, OK.
I'll hold them for you if you want.
OK.
Thank you.
There we go.
Don't scoff, lads.
If this catches on, it'll speed up women's shoe shopping no end.
That's it for Part One.
And stop.
Join us after the break for much more.
Who's the daddy? See you then.
Welcome back to Fool Britannia Stop, stop, stop.
The hidden camera show that turns the entire nation into its very own playground.
I'm gonna hit him in a minute! Let's head back to the fair city of Liverpool.
They say you're never too old to learn, and when it comes to health and safety, there's something new almost every day.
Hello, ladies.
Sorry to bother you.
My name's Ian Yard.
I'm from the council, Health and Safety.
Trying to keep undercover.
We've had reports that the coffees here have been too hot.
We've had people burnt by them.
No.
Never.
Can I just take a quick thermometer reading of one of them? Yes.
Just keep chatting as though we're friends.
You sip it.
There we go.
Pretend you know me.
Just chat away, looking normal.
They're coming out now.
What? Are they coming out? I'm just going to hide behind the pillar for one second.
Just hide behind the pillar.
Just to let you know, that is a very high reading.
You don't find that incredibly hot? No.
You sure? Yes.
Just going to try again, and dip.
Doo doo-doo It's difficult to be undercover here.
Right, basically, to do a prosecution, I need to see if I can cool it down within 30 seconds, so Keep talking as though we're friends.
Doo doo-doo Just look around.
Look around.
We're all friends here.
No-one noticing anything happening? OK.
That's a 30-second fan.
Let me just dip that in again.
Let's try that.
It's quite good, isn't it? Have you got sugar or anything? I have.
You've got sugar in yours? Let me just check again.
Yeah.
That's better.
OK.
Let's just Yeah.
I think I'm happy with that.
Are you? Yeah.
Remember, stay safe.
OK.
That's the main thing.
Thankfully there's now no danger of them scalding themselves.
A job well done.
Remember the first time YOU ever crossed paths with a bouncer? Well, our Croydon security team are back, working the door of another potentially rowdy venue.
It's en experience these six-year-olds aren't going to forget in a hurry.
Are we here for a party? Yeah.
Whose party? Shaw.
Can I take the names? It's Flynn.
Right, who's Asha? And there's someone in brackets.
Noah.
That's him.
Why has he put you in brackets? So I can play with his brother.
It's not great, is it? I'd have a word with him.
Can you just wand him? We've been having trouble here recently.
In a line, please.
Facing that way.
Hands out.
Right out, please.
Arms out.
Thank you.
I'll just check Flops.
Did you wrap it? Yeah.
You did? So you know what's in it? Yeah.
No-one's given you stuff to carry? It's a gun and a card.
The gun's worrying me.
What kind of gun? Green! Green! It's green? Is it a dangerous gun? No.
Are you sure? It's plastic.
All right.
I haven't checked you out.
Hang on.
She's not going! I'm just with my mum.
You're just wasting my time, then.
Who wrapped that? My mum.
Eh? What's in it? I'm gonna have to open that now.
Thank you.
All right.
Have you got any weapons on you or anything? No! Sure? Sharps? Knuckleduster? No? Look into my eyes.
If you've got weapons, I will find them.
We want you to have fun, but also to be safe, yeah? Have a word with him about the bracket.
If someone invited me with a bracket, I probably wouldn't go.
It's up to you.
Stay safe.
Seriously, have you ever BEEN to a kids' birthday party? It's rougher than a chip shop queue at closing time.
The French call us les rosbifs.
And with good reason.
We love our meat.
Morning, m'darling.
I've got some fresh stuff in the back.
But while we enjoy eating it, we don't enjoy thinking how it got onto our plate.
What would you like? A pound and a half of steak mince, please.
I've got some fresh stuff in the back.
One sec.
Right, we need some cow.
Get those lambs in, please.
Bring 'em out here.
Go on, get on! Wunderbar! Put him on the table! Put him on the table! That's right I'll be two seconds, my love.
You're going down! Go on! Follow the light! Follow the light! Go on! Give it up! Go on! Who's the daddy? Say good night.
Go on! Go on.
Right, my love.
Sorry about that.
Gave me a bit of trouble! There you go.
It's on the house, my love.
Are you sure? Oh, yes.
Wow.
Butcher's rule! Ha ha! Thank you ever so much.
You're not free for a drink tonight, are you? I'm afraid not, no.
Don't worry, don't worry.
Ha ha! Goodbye! Ha ha! Lovely-looking filly.
I can't imagine why she said no.
The beard, maybe? Yeah, must have been the beard.
To Bournemouth, where Britain's unluckiest man has come to convalesce.
I wanna go to the beach and see what the water looks like.
But whatever you do, don't get left alone with him I suppose you're wondering what happened to me? Are you familiar with rodeo? I'm a honey smuggler.
All I remember is him coming at me with a terracotta pot.
They trampled me like a pack of wild hyenas.
Fell into the Hadron Kaleido.
Because I swear the story changes every time.
Hello.
All right, are you? You're probably wondering what's happened to me.
Everyone does.
I'm an inventor.
I was inventing a new sort of green propulsion system and I had the idea of a sort of catapult-like propulsion.
If you remember, the Romans used to have big siege machines.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Basically those were catapults, but they weren't looking to use it for green travel.
They were using it to chuck rocks at Greeks and some such.
Whereas I thought you could probably travel on that.
So I found myself, after quite a lot of investment in it, on the Straits of Magellan.
And it went pretty well.
I was flying at 350mph at one stage, and just lost everything and didn't make it over, obviously.
I hit a cruise ship first.
Japanese cruise ship.
They got the photo of their lives! They like to take photographs.
How wide is the strait? 1½ miles.
If I could travel that, next, when you've got it right, transatlantic travel.
But obviously it didn't work out and I'm back to the drawing board.
You late for something? Nice to meet you, anyway.
I'll just sit here on my own.
I'll be fine.
I'll be fine.
Back to the Cotswolds.
When it comes to the youth of today, what's needed is the firm hand of discipline.
Sometimes this task falls to a recognisable pillar of the community.
Afternoon.
Good afternoon.
How are you? Good.
Good day for cricket.
We've just been rained off.
We were just playing against the next village.
Aww! And I was doing rather well.
Not 99 not out? 12 not out! I was on my way to a big century.
Aw! Oh, God, look at this.
How many times have I told you, none of these in the village? One second, I'm sorry.
I've warned you about this before.
No cars in the village! Anyway No, I was 12 not out and then we were rained off.
Terrible, really.
And unfortunately for this young chap, it's not an isolated incident.
Could you hold this for one second? Hear this.
Here we go.
Ha ha ha! Cheers.
Why not? There we go.
There you go! Ha ha ha! Heard that, didn't you? Wash out the ears! Four.
There we go.
Incidentally, even in this tough economic climate, the local model shop is doing particularly well.
Lovely.
Lovely.
Sadly, that's all we've got time for today.
Nice seeing you.
See you.
Join us next week as we continue to fool Britannia.
You notice anything unusual? He's looking good in it.
An old lady in England! See you then.