Four Kings (2006) s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

I been hangin' around this town on the corner I been bummin' around this old town so long Well, everybody trip Hangin' around this town on the corner Look at this gorgeous cake.
Jason, you stick your finger in the cake one more time, I'm gonna kiss you right on the face, so help me God.
Oh, come on.
I threaten 'cause I love.
And here's my adorable grandson Ben.
That's my boy.
And this is Bobby, who apparently feels he's a musician of sorts.
It's disgusting.
Stop it, Bobby.
And then there's, uh Barry, where did you get that? Put my perfume bottle down! It's not perfume.
I saw you drink it.
It's perfume for my heart! Now put it down.
Before you blow out your candles, I wanna make a wish.
I wish you love and health and luck.
And I hope you boys never forget how special this friendship is.
May it last forever.
Come on, guys.
All I need is four quarters.
And all we're saying is we want a little something for our money.
It's not that big a deal, bro.
I'm not getting in the dryer.
But you did it in college.
When I did it in college, I was, "A," drunk, and "B," in college.
Okay, but think of it this way.
We all have our special skills, right? I'm a writer.
Uh, Jason works out.
And Bobby'll eat anything for a dollar.
$1.
50, if it's not food.
Your gift is fitting in a dryer.
Embrace your gift.
Why don't you embrace this gift? No way.
"Jason works out"? I've known you since I was five, and all you can come up with this, "Jason works out"? Come on.
Will one of you jackasses give me the quarters? All right, okay, fine.
Tell you what.
Here you go.
Whoops! I don't know-- I don't know what happened.
They just--it slipped.
Like AhAh! You see what I did right there? See what I did? All right.
Hey, Bobby You thinking about pushing me in the dryer? Yeah.
Is that a good idea? No.
Then what are you gonna do? Sit back down.
Excellent.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
BenI hope you're not wearing these under your white pants.
That's--that's-- Give me the.
Whoa, Jenny wears underwear like that? Of course you get the best girlfriend.
Well, you got Sharon.
You know, Sharon'snice.
Oh, please.
Jenny's underwear.
Ahem.
Sharon's underwear.
Wait a minute.
If these are here, what's covering the infield at Yankee Stadium? Hello? Oh, hey, baby.
What are you wearing? Who's that? It's your girlfriend.
Give me my phone! What are you-- Hey, Jen.
I love your lasagna.
Of course she cooks.
And you know she's wearin' these while she's doin' it! W-wait, sweetie, I gotta go.
I'm getting another call.
All right.
Hello? Yeah, this is Ben.
Dude, can I piggyback on your load? I'm not sure why, but don't ever say that phrase to me again.
Ben, okay? My grandma died.
Man, look at all this food.
Whoever planned this funeral must've been baked.
It was an 80-year-old woman named Betty Plotnick.
Cool.
Betty's a burner.
Hey, why don't you eat a piece of that strudel? I mean, you obviously want it.
Why don't you just eat it? I don't want the strudel.
Why were you starting at it like you want to take it to prom and slip it a roofie? Barry, what was my nick name during elementary school? Fat Jason.
And what was my nickname at camp? Jas-ton.
- And junior high? - Carnie Wilson.
See why I might have some issues about food? Ms.
Plotnick, I think you dida beautiful job.
Oh, call me Betty, dear.
You don't think I ordered too much? Well, no, it is a lot of food.
I know.
Sometimes my judgment is a little off.
It's these marijuana pills I take.
For my glaucoma.
Well, that would explain why you were giggling through the funeral.
Okay, you guys, grab a shot.
I wanna make a toast.
To Ruthie.
Ruthie.
Heaven just gota little bit funnier.
Amen.
Amen.
That is good perfume.
How cool is it that she left Ben this apart-- What?! Will you keep it down? The only time you can raise your voice around these people is when you're yelling bingo.
False alarm.
No bingo.
Sorry, folks.
Why didn't you tell me? Because his grandmother just died, and he was afraid you'd go into one of your Ben-gets-everything-rants.
Because he gets everything! He got the Passat when he turned 16, then he got the Beamer right out of college.
And now this place.
Where is he? Dude, you cannot do this.
You cannot start in with him.
It's not appropriate.
Said the man who asked the rabbi to pull his finger.
Barry, this isn't the time.
You don't have to tell me that, okay? I am an adult.
I think I know how to handle the situation.
You lucky bastard! Could it get any easier for you?! I--I-- Betty, I'm so sorry he harshed on your buzz.
Okay.
What the hell was that? I only reacted that way because I'm broke, and you get everything! Well, you'd have a little extra cash if you got in a dryer once in a while.
Ben, I make $400 a week, and I live in a windowless apartment with no toilet.
I have to do my business at the gas station with my foot against the door! Yes.
Barry--No, save it, man.
Look, I love you, and I loved your grandmother, but this is-- it's too much for me.
I mean, you living in this crazy place when we're all living in dumps.
I just--I don't see a way that I can be okay with this.
I want you all to move in with me.
I see a way.
Are you serious? Well, yeah, I was gonna ask you guys when everyone cleared out, but Three Feet of Angry over here forced the issue.
What about Jenny? Well, there's no way she's ready to move in together.
And I don't wanna live in this huge place all by myself.
Come on, it'll be great.
You know, hanging out.
Playing cards at breakfast.
Self-consciously watching porn together while avoiding eye contact.
Well, what do you say? Ben, you don't have to do this.
We're fine.
You don't have to always take care of everybody.
It's not--it's not that.
Look, it's been the four of us our whole lives.
Right? And things are gonna change.
You know, soon, like, life is gonna be about marriages and career and--and rehab.
You know? Let's do this while we still can.
Okay.
- Yeah? - Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Whoo! Yeah! All right, well, guys, talk to your girlfriends, pack your bags, do whatever you need to do.
Because, starting next week, this is your home.
Hey, Ben, look, about--about that whole "You lucky bastard" thing, I-- Yeah, yeah.
You get the room she died in.
Yeah, that's it, man.
I'm gonna dump her ass.
And then I'm a free man.
No, no, I'm here.
I'm here right now.
No, you can't listen.
What? What? Hello, girls.
Where's your mother? Where's your ugly face? Oh! There it is.
Lexy, you're a very disrespectful little girl.
What do you want, dink? You know what I want? How do I put this delicately? I wanna dump your mother.
How 'bout that? Anything you wanna say? That's my jacket.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
You always steal our clothes.
- Get your mother! - Make me! Don't--don't think I won't.
Mom, Barry's trying to hit us! Ooow! Damn it, Barry, what the hell are you doing to my kids?! Nothing, Sharon! They were-- Listen, I came here-- No, you listen to me! I am sick of this.
You're mean to my kids, you're always using my toilet.
And why am I missing a pair of my underwear? Uh Oh, the guys.
The guys? Ew! Why the hell are your pervert friends touching my underwear? No, no, no, they weren't.
They weren't.
Oh, you're lying.
You know what? Stop.
I don't wanna hear what you have to say.
Blah.
We're done.
I'm breaking up with you.
No, I didn't hear that! Oh, well, in that case-- I'm breaking up with you! No, no, no! No, you don't get that! I came over here to break up with you! Oh, my God.
Look at this.
Look at this.
It says, "You are about to have sex with your girlfriend in every room of this apartment"! Including bathrooms and supply closets.
What's wrong? Well, no,nothing's wrong.
It's just, um I have something that I wanna ask you, andI don't know how to do it.
JenJen, it's me.
I'm not gonna freak out, okay? So just you can tell me.
I think we should live together.
You think we should what, now? Beth? Yeah, baby? I have to go.
You have to go? Oh, okay.
Do you want me to hold it for you so you can keep playing? Anyway, the point is it's time.
Let's move in together.
Jen Ohh.
Look, I-- I asked the guys to move in here.
The guys? Good job.
Now, before you hit your cardio, let's go over next week's schedule.
I have you Monday, Tuesday-- Hank, wait.
About that.
Yeah, what's up? Oh, God, how do I say this? I'm freezing my membership.
I see.
Is there another trainer? No, no, of course not.
Don't lie to me.
We've been through too much together for lies.
Okay, fine.
I'm moving to the West Side.
I joined a gym on Broadway.
I'm working out with someone over there.
- Who is it? - It doesn't matter.
- Who is it? - Charlie Knoxon! Perfect.
- Hank-- - Don't Hank me.
That guy is a calf and forearm specialist.
He'll make you look like Popeye.
This isn't about you.
It's just that I moved, and I'm with Charlie now.
Well, yeah, like I said, I-I didn't think you were ready to move in together.
But--but you know what? Now that you're saying you are, well, then let's make it work.
It'll be great, you know? We'll play cards at breakfast, we'll watch romantic comedies together.
What are you saying? I'm saying let's make it work.
The five of us! Hey, Robbie, how you doing? Good.
I'm moving into Ben's dead grandma's apartment.
Oh, cool.
I live here now.
- Here? - Yeah.
But don't tell anybody.
I'll lose my job.
And my house.
Gotcha.
I'm gonna go.
Ohyours looks better.
- Can I have a sip? - No.
We're gonna be roommates, you're gonna have to learn how to share.
No, I don't.
Come on, dude.
Buy your own.
Bit I just want a sip, and they don't sell sips.
Come on, I'll use my own straw.
Ugh, fine.
But I don't want any of your backwash in it.
So make sure that you pull the straw out Before you're done taking-- Ohh! Ohh! Great! Now you injected a tuf your mouth sauce into the heart of my shake.
Take it.
I don't want it.
Oh, that's cool.
I just wanted a sip.
Hey, where's Ben? No idea.
You know what he wants to talk about? Uh-uh.
Thanks, Toni.
Yep.
Probably house rules or something.
- House rules? - Yeah, you know.
So the drunk cuddler over here doesn't crawl into bed with us at night.
What? I get cold and affectionate when I drink.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, dude.
Uh, okay, so I got some bad news.
Wait Tell us the good news first.
I didn't say there was good news.
Dude, dig deeper.
There's always good news if you look hard enough.
Okay.
I didn't get hit by a bus today.
There you go.
Proceed.
Jenny gave me an ultimatum.
She said either we move in together, or the relationship is over.
That's it? That's no big deal.
The apartment's big enough.
We'll just make it work.
We love Jenny.
There's no "we.
"It's either you or her.
Cut her loose, Ben.
She's dead weight.
Y-you never choose a relationship over your buddies.
It's bros before hoes.
It's always bros before hoes.
We've already made arrangements.
You're making a mistake, Ben.
You can't do this.
Choose her.
What? You have to choose her.
It's the only thing that makes sense.
What are you doing? No, no, think about it.
If he chooses us, then Jenny leaves, and their relationship is over.
If he chooses her, we're mad for, like, a couple of weeks, but we're still gonna be around.
I mean, we're always gonna be around.
We're best friends.
You shouldn't fight for something you can't lose.
It's kind of a no-brainer.
Thanks.
Guys thank you.
Yeah.
Hey, look, I won't forget this.
That was really amazing.
Yeah.
Hey, Bob, did you have salami for lunch today? Yeah, why? Ah, you know, no reason.
Would you guys mind watching my seat for a minute? I'm just gonna go vomit in the alley! Sodid you talk to the guys? I did.
Oh, that must have been hard.
It was.
Okay, I know it seems like a bummer right now, but in time, you'll see that you made the right decision.
I--I already feel like I made the right decision.
You do? Yeah, of course you do.
I mean, why would you want to live in this fantastic apartment with three sloppy, immature guys-- Jen, the guys are moving in here.
What? Do you hear me? I sound like a chicken.
Wait, wait, what did they say? That, uh, you'd lose them if they couldn't live here? No, Jen, that's what you did.
They actually told me to choose you.
And And it made me think.
When you gave me that ultimatum, you really had your best interests in mind.
You know, and when they told me to choose you, they really had my best interests in mind.
So, you know, when it came down to deciding who to live with, it's really kind of a no-brainer, isn't it? Ben Jen.
Okay, here's the deal-- No, here's the deal.
We're really good together.
I like what we have.
But you gotta make a choice.
Me the way I am, or not at all.
Well, what the hell am I supposed to do now, huh? - Tell me what to do.
- Go and think about it.
Don't tell me what to do! I may never talk to you again.
I hope that's not the case, because I love you.
Yeah, well Maybe you should have thought about that before you made me cluck like a chicken.
Dig in, dudes.
Our first house dinner.
What is it? Mac and cheese with three kinds of sausage topped off with a barbecue potato chip and brown sugar crumble.
And for you, Jason, I got a glass of egg whites and a can of tuna.
Thanks, Bob, I'm cool.
Today is a day of celebration.
Oh, ho! Ooh.
I'm running a marathon tomorrow.
Wow, look at us.
Look at where we are.
This is gonna be great.
Yeah.
I just wish that I hadn't-- Aw, forget it.
Oh, no, no, no.
About the Jenny thing.
I actually think this is gonna be good for you.
What are you talking about? Well, you know, things can't always go your way all the time.
Sooner you learn that, better off you're gonna be.
Hello.
Oh, hey, Cheryl.
Yeah, you talked to Jenny, huh? Ah, it's tough, I know.
It's--it's for the best.
Yeah, I could use a glass of wine, sure.
10:00? I don't know, I might miss the last ferry back, so-- Oh, really? Really? Well, 10:00 it is.
It's not fair.
It's just not fair! Yeah.
That was the wrong number.
I was just messing with him.
Barry, get in here.
Ben got a football! A football?! It's not fair! It's just not fair! Shush.
Boys, stand up.
Come on, I wanna get the four of you together.
That's it.
Knock it off, or I'll kiss all of you.
Now, I got one last thing to say.
Take care of each other, because together, you have the power of kings.
And that's what you are: four kings.
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