Four Weddings and a Funeral (2019) s01e01 Episode Script
Kash with a K
1 [MELLOW ACOUSTIC GUITAR.]
- - I feel it in my fingers I feel it in my toes Love is all around me - And so the feeling grows - [PHONE DINGS.]
It's written on the wind - It's everywhere I go - - [MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY.]
- - Fuck.
- Fuck! [FUNKY MUSIC.]
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck! Fuck, fuck! [GROANS.]
Fuck, fuck.
[SIGHS.]
Fuck.
[SIGHS.]
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
[SIGHS.]
Fuck.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- - [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[GASPS.]
Fuck.
- [ALL GASP.]
- Sir! Mr.
Duffy! Sorry, boys.
I finally got my letter from Penguin Publishing.
[ALL GASP.]
- Yes, Bernard.
- Did they accept your novel? My fingers still hurt from all the submissions you made us mail out.
Yeah, um, I don't know.
I'm I'm too nervous to open it, so would you, please, Bernard? [SIGHS.]
Okay.
You can go you can go faster.
"Thank you for giving us the opportunity to consider the enclosed material.
" Okay, so far so good.
"Although it shows great promise We regret that we are unable to publish it at this time.
" [PAPER CRINKLING.]
It's okay, Mr.
Duffy.
[ALL CHATTERING.]
Sorry, Mr.
Duffy.
It said "great promise".
That's what they say when something's bad, Bernard.
That's what you said in my report on The Aeneid.
I'm sorry, Augie.
- It sucked.
- [SIGHS.]
Oh, fuck.
It's your housewarming present, Craig.
I love it, there's just just so much of my butt.
- And my butt cheeks.
- You hate it.
No, no, no! I love it! It's just a little risqué, you know? If my grandma comes or one of my friends.
Ah, well, of course your friends would hate it.
- They hate everything I do.
- What are you talking about? - My friends love you.
- No, they don't.
They think I'm trashy and that my boobs are fake which they are, but your friends don't know that.
Who cares what anyone else thinks, okay? You're my girl and I want you to move in with me.
- Wait, are you serious? - CRAIG: Yeah.
Look, I've dated a lot of women.
A lot.
Six different girls asked me to prom, one of them my Spanish teacher.
This is gonna circle back to something romantic about me, right? I love you.
And I've never said that to anybody.
Well, my mom, and one time to LeBron James when I saw him at the grocery store.
Craig, I love you, too.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [GIGGLING.]
[GRUNTS.]
Um who took this photo? Fuck, I can't believe I'm 30.
Well, that's not old.
At 30, Meghan Markle was still in her first marriage.
Now, are you sure this has to be a costume party? AINSLEY: Yes, everybody has to dress up as their favorite rom-com character.
It's just, the English don't really do theme parties.
Unless the theme is "simmering class conflict", in which case that's every party.
Oh, I gotta take this.
Hey, bitch.
You ready for the best weekend of your life? MAYA: Oh, my God, yes.
I'm on the red-eye tonight.
I can't get out of New York fast enough.
AINSLEY: Rough morning? Yeah, I have aquarium gravel in my bra.
I think I'll just leave it at that.
Oh, hmm.
Let me guess: does it have something to do with your married boyfriend? Hey, you know, you're very judgmental for a woman who dated the guy who organized the Fyre Festival.
AINSLEY: He said he knew Ja Rule! [LAUGHTER.]
Anyway, I can't wait for you to meet my new guy, Maya.
He is a good one.
He's smart, he's funny.
- He's not gay, for once.
- Ooh, I bet I'll love him.
Hey, I hope your morning gets better.
Well, it couldn't get any worse.
Maya, you're late.
Ted's looking for you.
I gotta go.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
That was abrupt.
- Is your shirt wet? - No, it's dry.
It's normal.
So how did Ted do at the Bodo Latino breakfast? Great.
They loved his speech.
Well, I guess it was your speech.
Did he try to sing Despacito? Yes, but I cut off his mic before he got to the rap part.
- That's my girl.
- Maya, you're late.
So if it's not too much of an inconvenience I need to see you in my office.
[MELLOW ACOUSTIC GUITAR.]
You're 45 minutes late.
I'm so sorry.
I know I should have woken you up but you were snoring so cute.
No, no, this morning was not cool.
All those texts? "Get out, she's coming.
" I felt like I was in a horror movie.
And the black people always get murdered first.
I know, I know, and I'm sorry.
Liz never goes to our apartment in the city but there's a crow trapped in our chimney in Scarsdale.
Okay, huge day ahead.
I tried to sing Despacito earlier, which did not go well.
- Ted, we need to talk.
- Okay, shoot.
I'm not doing this anymore.
Your poor wife.
Hey, come on.
We've been through this.
My marriage is over.
I've been sleeping in the basement on the pool table for a year.
Yeah, okay, but I still get Christmas cards of you and your family in matching sweaters.
Yeah, those are bad.
I love you, but I'm done.
Wait, wait, come on.
Hey.
I'm done, too.
That's why I'm gonna tell her tonight.
No, you're not.
We're already enough of a cliché without you pretending you're going to leave your wife.
No, no.
Listen, listen.
I I didn't want to say anything yet, but I've already hired a lawyer.
My kids are away at video game camp this weekend.
All I gotta do is tell her.
Okay? I wanna be with you, Maya.
Well, I want to be with a senator, so stop kissing your communications director and get back to work.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
You've got a sweet little place in my heart Like a sweet little rain takes care of the flowers And that's love Your kind of love, your kind of love [ALERT CHIMES.]
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has just illuminated the "fasten seatbelts" sign, as we are now in our final approach to London Heathrow.
Please be sure to stow your tray tables You're not supposed to turn that on until we've landed.
I'm waiting for an important text from my boyfriend.
Oh, your boyfriend.
Then by all means, crash the plane.
[PHONE CLICKS.]
- [ENGINE ROARING.]
- HAROON: You know, you didn't have to come all the way down to Heathrow just to have breakfast with me.
I didn't come for you.
I came for your blood sugar.
If I'm not here you'll just have coffee and a chocolate bar.
Dr.
Oz says dark chocolate has antioxidants, so the joke is on you.
[LAUGHS.]
- You know, I saw Salman at masjid yesterday.
- Mm-hmm? I made sure to tell him how well you are doing.
I showed him one of your paystubs.
Dad, don't do that.
That's embarrassing.
I pray for Salman.
Imagine the tragedy of having a son who is a comic book artist.
I think it's cool he's following his dream.
Thank Allah your dream was investment banking.
Your mother would be so proud.
[PHONE BUZZING.]
Oh, no.
We have got a situation at the luggage counter.
- Shrieking American? - Always.
It's always that.
[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC.]
I'm so sorry, ma'am.
Tell me what happened.
Okay, I have explained three times - I'll handle this.
- Hi.
Please, I need my bag.
I took the wrong one off the carousel.
Calm down.
Calm down, ma'am.
Are you sure? Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is not my triple-XL Orlando t-shirt.
Listen, I work in politics, and that bag has some highly classified material in it.
[SNORTS.]
- I'm sorry, can I help you? - No, nothing.
"Highly classified".
Didn't realize Jack Ryan flew commercial.
Oh, great, yeah.
Pithy comments.
That's exactly what the situation needed.
Look, don't worry, ma'am.
We'll file a missing bag report and call you within 48 hours.
I'm gonna be back in New York in 48 hours! I can't buy all new clothes! I don't understand British sizes! Okay, okay.
Uh, there is an unclaimed baggage center offsite.
Uh, I can't take you there right now, but maybe my son can.
What? Dad, I can't hang out at the airport all day! I've gotta go to work.
Please? I feel like I misjudged you.
- Only for Haroon.
- Thanks, man.
Right, what does your suitcase look like? Medium sized, black.
Ah.
[SIGHS.]
It has wheels? So, what's your high-profile job in New York? I work for a congressman running for senate.
Ted Spencer: A new day for New York.
What? That's a terrible slogan.
- Who came up with that? - I did.
It's a great slogan.
We tested it with multiple demographics including male Indian voters and everybody loved it.
Look, I'm not Indian.
I'm Pakistani.
Oh, gosh, I am so sorry.
[SIGHS.]
You know, that's like when people ask me, "Where are you from?" But what they really mean is, "You look kind of black.
- Explain.
" - [LAUGHS.]
So what do you do? I'm a I'm an actor.
Ooh, cool.
Are you in anything I know? Uh, probably not.
I mostly do theater.
Shakespeare.
But modern stuff, too.
Caryl Churchill, Debbie Tucker Green.
Ooh, have you ever been in Mamma Mia!? - Ugh, I loved that show.
- No, not Mamma Mia! Definitely not Mamma Mia! Have you even seen it? No.
MERYL STREEP: Mamma mia, here I go again My, my, how can I resist you? Mamma mia So what do you think? What's the opposite of goosebumps? - I think I've got that.
- Oh, come on! Colin Firth, Pierce Brosnan, Meryl Streep.
How does one film waste so much talent? Excuse you, this is Meryl Streep's greatest role.
Oh, really? So not Sophie's Choice or Kramer vs.
Kramer? Sing one song from either of those movies.
You can't.
You got me there.
[LAUGHS.]
Maybe I only like it 'cause my mom and I saw it on Broadway a couple of months before she died.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
Now do you think it's good? [LAUGHS.]
I'm sorry.
I lost my mom too.
How old were you? I was 12.
It's more recent.
Sadder.
BOTH: [LAUGH.]
- [PHONE DINGING.]
- Oh, sorry.
Uh, they're private.
[SIGHS.]
You all right? Have you ever had the feeling you've gone down the wrong path? Like, somewhere along the line you've made a bad choice and now it's too late to go back? [SIGHS.]
I feel like that literally every day.
[SIGHS.]
I'm not really an actor.
What? [LAUGHS.]
But you are Pakistani, though, right? Yes, very.
I'm an investment banker.
Why would you lie about that? Well, I hate my job, and I've always wanted to act.
Still do, but I guess I kept making decisions in my life to please other people and, like you said, now it seems too late.
Oh, my God, this is my suitcase! I've been sitting on it! [LAUGHS.]
- What? - I've been sitting on it! [INDISTINCT P.
A.
ANNOUNCEMENT.]
Well, I'm off.
Uh, maybe one day I'll be watching a play in the West End and you'll walk out onstage and I'll be like, "Hey, it's suitcase guy.
" - BOTH: [LAUGH.]
- I hope you're right.
Next time, put a pink ribbon on it.
So you know it's yours.
Okay.
Well bye.
[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC.]
I like me better when I'm with you [DOOR CLICKS.]
Damn, Ainsley.
[LAUGHS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Hi.
- Oh.
You must be Maya.
I've been dying to meet you.
My name's Gemma.
I'm Ainsley's best friend.
Come on in.
Ainsley just nipped out to get some last-minute bits for her birthday party.
- Make yourself at home.
- Oh.
- Oh, here, let me take those.
- It's for Ainsley.
Twinkies are her favorite and they don't have them here, so Oh, she's off sugar.
She won't eat these.
Please, in college she'd pound like ten of these without even chewing.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, were you at college with Ainsley, too? I always thought of Ainsley, Duffy, and Craig as more of a trio.
No, there were always four of us.
Forgive me, I just assumed.
You know, because they all moved to London and left you behind.
Well, we all did a semester here and wanted to move back to London after graduation, but I got a great job in New York and decided to stay.
Good for you.
I love my child too much to work.
Hmm.
And, uh, how how do you and Ainsley know each other? - Oh, I live across the street.
- Oh.
But our friendship transcends being mere neighbors.
Ainsley saw me through a very dark time.
Oh.
We were renovating our country home and the bathroom tile I had selected was discontinued.
She's an amazing person.
- Yeah, I agree.
- Me, too.
Well, you can't agree if you said it.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
[SCREAMING.]
Maya, you're here! Ooh, gosh! Oh, I'm so excited! Oh, shit.
I'm not really eating sugar right now.
That's okay.
Mm.
Mm.
Phew.
What do you think of my costume? CRAIG: Are you a homeless man? - If so, you nailed it! - What? No.
Dude, I'm Lloyd Dobler from Say Anything How do you not know that? CRAIG: I didn't spend all of high school watching movies.
I played sports and hooked up with girls.
That feels pointed.
Look, Craig I called you for a pep talk, man.
I'm gonna tell Maya tonight.
You sure? 'Cause she's still with Ted.
DUFFY: Yeah, and Ted's still with his wife.
Look, how often does Maya come to London? I feel like it's now or never.
Okay, dude.
You got this.
You got this.
You've liked her for ten years.
She'd be lucky to be with you.
You're not some nerd in a dorm anymore.
Well, actually, I still do live in a dorm, but thank you.
- That's true.
- ZARA: Craig? I gotta go.
You got this, my Duff.
All right, appreciate it, brother.
ZARA: Craig? Why are you not dressed yet? The party's about to start.
You look great.
Are you like a bar wench? I'm Ella Enchanted, Craig.
Ella Enchanted.
How do you not know that? Oh, damn it.
I was just kidding, Zara! I knew what you were! - [PHONE DINGS.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [CURIOUS MUSIC.]
- - - ZARA: Craig! Put your costume on! Or don't, and we'll just say you're Will Smith in Hitch.
[HALL & OATES' YOU MAKE MY DREAMS.]
[RETREATING FOOTSTEPS.]
HALL: What I want, you've got But it might be hard to handle But like the flame that burns the candle The candle feeds the flame, yeah, yeah What I got full stock of thoughts and dreams That's Maya.
- Pretty.
- Horrible.
Quite.
HALL: Oh, yeah, where were you? Duffy! Hi! I'm so happy to see you.
[GROANS.]
Me, too.
You look so great.
No one gets my costume.
Monica from Love & Basketball.
Yeah, we watched it spring freshman year.
- Remember? - Yeah, how could I forget? We killed that box of wine and then I had sex with Kyle.
Kyle, my roommate.
Right.
Hey, do you want to go somewhere and talk? Yeah, sure.
Um, let me get us some drinks and I'll meet you in the garden.
Yes.
No, yes, perfect.
Okay, uh, see you soon.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'll have two of those.
Oh, sorry.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hi.
Suitcase guy? Hi! I can't believe you're here.
I was about to say the same thing.
When I left the airport I was thinking, "Wow, "this guy helped me find my stupid suitcase and I didn't even thank him, and now I'm never gonna see him again.
" - But here you are.
- Yep.
So thank you.
My name's Maya.
- "Maya"? - AINSLEY: Oh, my God! I was looking for you two! Kash, this is my best friend, Maya.
Maya, this is my boyfriend, Kash.
[LAUGHS.]
[SOFT EXCLAMATION.]
[STAMMERING.]
Wait wait, this is Kash? - Your boyfriend Kash? - Yes.
- Why are you so surprised? - No, I'm not.
It's just, when you hear "Kash" you think of, like, a bad LA rapper.
Not, like, a nice ethnic Kash with a "K".
- [LAUGHS.]
- Ooh, Maya.
Kash's father works at the airport.
Maybe he could help you find that cute guy you met there.
Uh, I don't remember mentioning anything about that.
Are you insane? You were gushing.
She called him "Ryan Gosling dipped in caramel.
" - MAYA: What? No.
- AINSLEY: Yeah, you did.
You also said, "Super hot.
Bangable.
" I did not say that.
Uh, that's that's very nice.
Big M! MAYA: Craig.
I so hate that nickname.
[GRUNTS.]
Have you met Kash? - BOTH: We just met.
- AINSLEY: Craig set us up.
They work at Goldman together.
Kash was recently promoted to vice president of middle market leveraged buyout lending.
I have no idea what that means, but I love how fancy it sounds.
[LAUGHTER.]
So is Zara here? I'd love to meet her.
Yes, will you go over and talk to her? She's gonna make me leave before I even get buzzed, 'cause she thinks my friends don't like her.
It is not that.
We just don't want to get attached to another girl you end up dumping after a couple months.
Not this one.
We're moving in together.
- MAYA: [GASPS.]
- What? Mate, congrats! That's awesome.
Maybe in a decade or two, I'll be ready to get married.
- Well - [STAMMERS.]
All right, come on.
This calls for a celebration.
Let's go.
- CRAIG: Toasts? - KASH: Yes.
- CRAIG: Can you believe? - KASH: Champagne.
Isn't Kash great? He is.
Maya, you are the perfect woman for me.
You're beautiful.
You're smart.
We're both allergic to the same tree nuts.
And I've been in love with you for a long time.
I keep having these dreams - [DOOR OPENS.]
- [BUTTON CLICKS.]
PETER GABRIEL: All my instincts They return - Oh, hi.
- What are you doing? Uh, nothing.
Sorry.
Sorry about this.
Sorry.
Stop, stop, stop! [MUSIC STOPS.]
So what's up? GEMMA: Have you seen my husband, Quentin? Sometimes when he's been overserved, he falls asleep in shrubs.
It reminds him of his childhood in Kenya.
- Yeah, no, I haven't seen him.
- [SIGHS.]
- Is Maya in there? - Yes.
She's reminiscing very loudly with all your friends.
Oh, cool.
Well, if you see her could could you not tell her I'm out here, but maybe imply that I'm out here? Are you that man from Say Anything? Yes, yes, you're the first person to get that.
I am.
Are you trying to seduce someone like this? No, yeah no I'm just chilling.
Good, because that would be pitiful.
Yeah, totally.
I agree.
Yeah.
[UPBEAT '80S POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
- [PHONE CHIRPING.]
- - - [REVELATORY MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC CONTINUES.]
- - [PHONE CHIRPING.]
- Oh, hey.
- Hi again.
Are you waiting for the loo? Me, too.
[SIGHS.]
I didn't actually say - you were caramel Ryan Gosling.
- Oh, you don't have to I mean, I said those words, but I was exaggerating for storytelling purposes.
Of course.
Compared to Ryan Gosling, I'm grotesque.
I actually said Brian Gosling.
Yeah, you wouldn't know him.
He's an American celebrity known for his average looks.
Oh, right, okay.
That stuff about hating my job and wanting to give it all up to be an actor, do you mind not telling Ainsley? Oh, I would never.
Already forgotten.
Thanks, I appreciate it.
Sorry, sorry.
Fell asleep on the loo.
Not my fault.
I was overserved.
Wow.
[LAUGHS.]
I'll come back.
I'm just Oh, yeah, cool.
Okay.
TED: Hey.
Why are you calling me? I said I would call you.
- Did you tell her? - TED: Hold on.
[TAP SQUEAKS, WATER RUNNING.]
[SIGHS.]
Uh, Maya, I was going to, I swear.
Oh, my God.
But you changed your mind.
No, no, did you see the new Quinnipiac poll? We're up by three points.
Holy shit.
I bet it was that Politico video you did on fair housing.
Yeah, the one that you made me do.
- This is all you, Maya.
- I can't believe it.
We could actually win.
I don't love that my communications director can't believe I could actually win, but yeah.
We're so close.
That's why I you know.
Can't tell her now.
It could jeopardize the whole campaign.
Right, but as soon as we win.
I swear to God, okay? I love you.
I know.
- Look, I gotta go.
- Okay, bye.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
ALL: Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday Hey, were you waiting for me out front? Because I was out back.
ALL: Happy birthday to you It's amazing.
[LAUGHS.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Nice! [INAUDIBLE.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
I'm never going to a costume party again.
One guy thought I was Scottie Pippen.
I thought it was fun! Although, nobody used the official hashtag.
I mean, was hashtag "Ainsley's totally awesome 30th rom-com birthday bash" so hard to add to your photos? DUFFY: Yeah, it was so fun.
Except for the three hours I spent outside.
[LAUGHS.]
Still waiting on that drink.
Oh, I know.
I'm so sorry, Duffy.
You weren't really waiting outside for me for, like, three hours, were you? Oh, no, no.
Yeah, there was, like, tons of people out there and yeah, people started saying, like, "Yeah, the real party is out here, so" - Like, who said that? - Uh, yeah, I don't know.
Just people, so but the point is, I was having a great time.
I wasn't just out there on my own or waiting for Maya, so Craig, can you help me out here? - Craig? - Get off of your phone.
Really? Facebook? Are you 60? Okay, sorry.
Sorry, sorry.
No more phone.
So, how long are you here for? - Oh, she's staying forever.
- Mm.
Come on, can't you just stay for a little while? - Like, just until I die? - I know, I'd love to.
But I have to get back tomorrow.
Ted has a thing.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Yeah, a wife.
Oh, ha, ha, ha.
Hilarious.
I forgot how funny bankers are.
Oh.
Actually, Kash is really funny.
- Sometimes he sends me memes.
- CRAIG: What? No.
No, he's not.
I'm the funny one in the office.
Everyone's always like, "Do Denzel! Do Denzel!" And I'm like [DEEP LAUGH.]
I see you.
- My man.
- AINSLEY: God.
It genuinely upsets me when you do that.
- It's not bad.
- It's terrible.
- It's great.
- I do not like that.
Uh, speaking of Kash, what's the deal? - Is he serious? - Oh, who knows? I mean, the last thing I want to do is rush into anything.
[SWEEPING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC.]
- - - They're ready for you.
- REPORTER: Ms.
Jones! Ms.
Jones! Are the rumors true? Sadly, yes.
As of this morning, Senator Spencer and his wife have officially separated.
They ask that you respect their privacy during this trying time.
[REPORTERS CLAMORING.]
REPORTER: Ms.
Jones! [NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[SIGHS.]
- Oh, my God.
- What's wrong? - [SIGHS.]
- Oh, no.
You're not having second thoughts, are you? 'Cause now would be a really weird time to dump me.
No, I just never thought it would happen.
You actually did it, and now I get to take my handsome senator boyfriend to my best friend's wedding in London, the most beautiful city in the world.
Hey, you're dating a New York senator.
So if anyone asks, your favorite city is Utica.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm so stupidly happy.
I just hope your friends like me.
- They won't.
- [LAUGHS.]
But we have the rest of our lives to work on that.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Okay, I'll send a car for 8:00.
- You got it, Senator.
- Bye.
Bye.
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
[PHONE BUZZING.]
LANIE: Oh, my God, are you watching this? Is this something about The Bachelor? I told you, black people don't watch that.
LANIE: No, it's Ted! Turn on the news! He was having an affair! REPORTER: Details coming in now on a breaking story.
It was revealed today that newly-elected senator Ted Spencer has been involved in an extramarital affair.
Oh, God.
REPORTER: Sources report the woman at the center of the scandal is one of the senator's employees.
Just moments ago her identity was confirmed.
Oh, no.
Kaylee Haskins, an NYU sophomore.
Haskins worked for Spencer and his wife as a dog walker.
- KAYLEE: No comment! No comment! - Have some respect! I'm at work! REPORTER: Kaylee, how long has it been going on? Fuck.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[DOGS BARKING.]
REPORTER: Kaylee, tell your story! - [SIGHS.]
- KAYLEE: Stop! ["HEART OF GLASS" PLAYING.]
[PHONE DINGS.]
- Once I had a love and it was a gas - Soon turned out I had a heart of glass - [SIGHS.]
- Seemed like the real thing [PHONE CLATTERS.]
Only to find - So much mistrust - Love's gone behind [MELLOW MUSIC.]
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
- - [LAUGHING.]
- Ooh! - BOTH: [LAUGHING.]
She said yes! - AINSLEY: Yep! - MAYA: We're in love.
BOTH: [LAUGHING.]
Hi, guys! Sorry, uh, after last week's flatiron mishap, I've decided to stop doing hair tutorials and focus instead on another passion: cooking.
Ah, hey, babe.
[SNIFFS.]
What's that smell? Did you fart? [GROANS.]
I was live, Craig! I'm doing a delicious cookery video for my YouTube channel.
Cooking? You just boiled eggs.
I don't know how to do anything else.
Where are you going? The wedding's in a few hours.
Uh, me and Maya are just going for a quick run.
She's really in the dumps about Ted.
- Poor girl.
- Yeah.
It's really tough being a mistress.
So much sneaking around.
Not that I would know.
Yeah, I'll be sure to tell her that to make her feel better.
[SMOOCHES.]
Hey, and by the way, do you mind Picking out an outfit? Yes, of course.
- I love you.
- My boo.
Tighter.
Come on, Nigel.
[BLOWS KISS.]
Oh, Giles.
Hello.
When did you get here? I've been at home for two days, Daddy.
Splendid.
Ah, Cragscross.
You know, that school has taught seven generations of Thorpe-Bloods how to be men.
[GAGS.]
Oh, that's not oolong.
Oh, that's awful.
That's not oolong.
Ramona? Ramona, there you are.
This isn't oolong.
I can't have it.
- Makes my mouth weird.
- I said tighter.
You sure you can breathe in that lark? I'll breathe when I'm dead.
Quite right.
Come on, Harvey.
And it's not just that he cheated on me.
He completely blew up my career.
I was supposed to be chief of staff for a senator! And now I've just lost everything.
- Wait, shut up, shut up.
- "Shut up"? You're the one that told me we needed to go on this run so we could talk.
Yeah, about me.
- Where are we going? - Come over here.
[PANTING.]
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
MAYA: What? See those girls over there playing soccer? Yeah.
See the one in the red shorts? Yeah.
Getting weirder.
That's my daughter.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
What? Wh holy shit! You have a daughter? Since when? About a year ago, I got a Facebook message from this woman, Julia, who claimed we hooked up when I first moved to London Well, that narrows it down to a million girls.
And that I'm the father of her kid.
She just had questions about my medical history 'cause her daughter has asthma.
But after I answered she stopped responding.
So I hired someone, and a month ago he found her.
Now some Saturdays most Saturdays I come here.
And you're sure it's that girl? The one in the red shorts? ALL: [CHEERING.]
In your face! Yes! Okay, yep, that's definitely her.
Oh, my God, Craig.
- What did everyone say? - I haven't told anyone yet.
Well, what did Zara say? Craig.
I wanted to tell you first to get your opinion! You're a fixer! - Fix this! - [SCOFFS.]
Well, as someone who just got out of a relationship built on lies, you need to be honest with this girl's mom and with Zara.
Either way, nothing good ever came out of a guy hiding in the bushes at a kids' soccer game.
ALL: Molly! Molly! Molly! Her name is Molly.
ALL: [CHANTING.]
Molly! Molly! [OBJECT THUDS.]
Oh, my God, Poppy, this wedding is gonna be so ritzy.
[LAUGHS.]
Don't take your eyes off my Insta stories tonight.
Cuff links.
Oh, my God, Poppy, I think I've just found my birthday present.
I'll call you back when I find out how expensive it is.
Bye.
[LAUGHS.]
"M"? Maya.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
[MELLOW ACOUSTIC GUITAR.]
Okay.
HAROON: [CLEARS THROAT.]
Damn, Dad, you look good.
Pakistani James Bond in the house.
I'm Khan.
Haroon Khan.
One martini.
Shaken, not stirred.
No alcohol please.
Can you guys please be quieter? I'm trying to practice my speech in the next room and the walls are thin.
Are you okay, Beta? Huh? - Would you like to try it on us? - Yeah, go on.
I'm fine, I just need you guys to stop being so lame so I can practice.
[LAUGHS.]
He's kind of a little shit, isn't he? He's just nervous.
I'm nervous, too.
Doing the right thing, aren't I? Marrying Ainsley? Why would you ask that? Kashif.
You know I struggled with you marrying outside our faith.
But you have always made the right decisions.
Going to Cambridge.
Choosing a great career.
Agreeing to do a nikkah after your wedding.
Only to keep you happy.
That imam is weird.
He keeps trying to relate the Quran to pop culture.
And now you're marrying a woman you love.
So if this is what your heart is telling you to do, then you know it's right.
[LAUGHS.]
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[CHEERFUL MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
"It does not envy.
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
" Oh, there you are.
Oh, wow, Gemma.
You look great.
It's almost like we aren't wearing the same dress.
Well, different bodies.
How are you holding up, dear? Ainsley told me everything.
Such is our bond.
I'm not focusing on me right now.
Sort of my job as maid of honor to keep today about Ainsley.
Well, good luck with your reading.
Good luck with yours.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
"Love is patient.
Love is kind.
" [SCOFFS.]
Yeah, right.
"It does not envy" - Hey.
- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I just wandered in here to practice my Bible reading.
Wait, wait, it's fine.
Oh.
- How are you? - Uh, me? I'm [LAUGHS.]
How I am is not important.
How are you? - Pretty nervous, actually.
- Why? You're marrying, like, the best person I know.
And weddings are easy.
You're an actor.
You're already in costume.
Just go out there and say your lines.
Simple.
Wasn't so simple for Sophie and Sky's wedding.
- You watched Mamma Mia! - Yeah, I did.
And for a movie that makes no sense, I've gotta say, I enjoyed it.
Although, did you think it was weird that her mum performed at her hen night? - Yes, so weird.
- Right? But I guess they had to get their money's worth, 'cause she's dead in the second one.
What? Meryl's dead? Oh, my God, why would you ruin that for me? I'm so sorry.
Uh, okay, on that note I should get out of here.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Right, yeah.
The Senator's probably wondering where you are.
Oh, Ainsley didn't tell you? - Tell me ? - He couldn't make it.
'Cause we we broke up.
And, uh, thought it would be weird to bring him here under those circumstances, being that I hate him and wish he was dead.
Um, I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Oh, uh, just a second.
Oh.
- There we go.
- Thanks.
Okay, I will let you get back to it.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
[WHISPERING.]
Oh, fuck.
[LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC.]
MAYA: Hey! - How are you? - CRAIG: So good.
[SIGHS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
PRIEST: And which brings us here today to celebrate the union of Kashif Khan and Ainsley Howard.
And now, a reading from the Prophet Isaiah.
Instead of doing a reading from the Bible, I thought I would instead turn to the words of a blind prophet, a poet who spoke to the very nature of love.
[STEVIE WONDER'S FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE PLAYING ON ORGAN.]
For once in my life I have someone who needs me Someone I've needed so long For once I'm afraid I can go where life leads me Somehow I know I'll be strong For once I can touch What my heart used to dream of Long before I knew Oh, someone warm like you Would make my dreams come true I know I'm only a bridesmaid, but I wanted to express my love Emeli Sandé, get out here, girl! CHOIR: Someone who needs me For once in my life I won't let sorrow hurt me Not like it hurt me before CHOIR: Not like it hurt me before EMELI SANDE: For once I have someone I know won't desert me I'm not alone anymore For once I can say This is mine, you can't take it Long as I have love I know I can make it BOTH: For once in my life I have someone who needs me CHOIR: Needs me For once in my life CHOIR: Who needs me For once in my life [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Congratulations.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[MOUTHING WORDS.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
GEMMA: Good luck.
Jesus Christ, what a performance.
Oh, sorry.
And now for the reading from "Paul's First Letter to the Corinthians", the bride's friend from America: Maya.
Tough act to follow.
[SIGHS.]
Didn't know we could sing.
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love is great.
Love is blind? Um, in the beginning, God created love.
Thank you, oh, Lord, for love, thy greatest creation, given unto us, thy children.
Thank thou.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I take a look at my life and realize there's nothing left.
- That Gangsta's Paradise? - That's Gangsta's Paradise.
Nothing left except love.
All you need is love, because if you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an "amen"? RuPaul? Does no one here watch, uh Please, just sit.
Yeah.
Horrible.
Just horrible.
[INDISTINCT WHISPERING.]
You were so great.
I think everybody, like, really liked it.
And now, will the bride and groom please come forward? [LAUGHING SOFTLY.]
[MELLOW, SWEET MUSIC.]
In the sight of God, do you, Kashif Khan, take this woman, Ainsley Howard, to be your lawfully wedded wife? [SIGHS.]
I, uh [STAMMERS.]
I would love to talk to you for a second.
What? I just I would love to talk to you.
Somewhere else.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Kash, what are you doing? Young man, do you take this woman to be your wife? I think I just - I don't think I do.
- [GASPS.]
I don't.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
["HEART OF GLASS" PLAYING.]
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC.]
Once I had a love and it was a gas Soon turned out, I had a heart of glass Seemed like the real thing Only to find So much mistrust Love's gone behind MAN: Go to bed.
[WAGNER'S BRIDAL CHORUS PLAYING ON ORGAN.]
- I don't.
- You don't? Maybe? [CROWD GASPING.]
ANNOUNCER: This season on Four Weddings and a Funeral There has to be some reason why this happened.
We had the perfect relationship.
You don't just throw that away for nothing.
HAROON: You have not been out of the house for a week.
You know, since your very public humiliation.
Ainsley, you'll get through this.
We'll help you.
- And Kash sucks.
- ALL: Kash sucks.
SINGER: Let me take this moment Show you how to own it I'm gonna tell Maya that I love her in front of everyone.
Go big or go home.
Oh, you should go home.
CRAIG: I have a daughter.
Craig, you still haven't told her? - I need to talk to you.
- Oh, my God! I found this necklace.
It's obviously for Maya.
Let's not jump to any conclusions, okay? "M" could mean anything: Mary, Meghan, Monica Those are other women.
That doesn't make me feel better.
Tell me you don't think about me too.
MAYA: I wish things weren't so complicated.
Have any of you seen Zara? She's just totally disappeared.
We stick together like the Spice Girls.
They famously broke up.
Oh, God, this is intolerable.
AINSLEY: Someone told me, you show up for the people who matter the most to you.
Good luck, man! Love will find a way, bro.
Do you really think I can do this? I do.
But I'm wrong about most things.
- - I feel it in my fingers I feel it in my toes Love is all around me - And so the feeling grows - [PHONE DINGS.]
It's written on the wind - It's everywhere I go - - [MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY.]
- - Fuck.
- Fuck! [FUNKY MUSIC.]
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck! Fuck, fuck! [GROANS.]
Fuck, fuck.
[SIGHS.]
Fuck.
[SIGHS.]
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
[SIGHS.]
Fuck.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- - [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[GASPS.]
Fuck.
- [ALL GASP.]
- Sir! Mr.
Duffy! Sorry, boys.
I finally got my letter from Penguin Publishing.
[ALL GASP.]
- Yes, Bernard.
- Did they accept your novel? My fingers still hurt from all the submissions you made us mail out.
Yeah, um, I don't know.
I'm I'm too nervous to open it, so would you, please, Bernard? [SIGHS.]
Okay.
You can go you can go faster.
"Thank you for giving us the opportunity to consider the enclosed material.
" Okay, so far so good.
"Although it shows great promise We regret that we are unable to publish it at this time.
" [PAPER CRINKLING.]
It's okay, Mr.
Duffy.
[ALL CHATTERING.]
Sorry, Mr.
Duffy.
It said "great promise".
That's what they say when something's bad, Bernard.
That's what you said in my report on The Aeneid.
I'm sorry, Augie.
- It sucked.
- [SIGHS.]
Oh, fuck.
It's your housewarming present, Craig.
I love it, there's just just so much of my butt.
- And my butt cheeks.
- You hate it.
No, no, no! I love it! It's just a little risqué, you know? If my grandma comes or one of my friends.
Ah, well, of course your friends would hate it.
- They hate everything I do.
- What are you talking about? - My friends love you.
- No, they don't.
They think I'm trashy and that my boobs are fake which they are, but your friends don't know that.
Who cares what anyone else thinks, okay? You're my girl and I want you to move in with me.
- Wait, are you serious? - CRAIG: Yeah.
Look, I've dated a lot of women.
A lot.
Six different girls asked me to prom, one of them my Spanish teacher.
This is gonna circle back to something romantic about me, right? I love you.
And I've never said that to anybody.
Well, my mom, and one time to LeBron James when I saw him at the grocery store.
Craig, I love you, too.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [GIGGLING.]
[GRUNTS.]
Um who took this photo? Fuck, I can't believe I'm 30.
Well, that's not old.
At 30, Meghan Markle was still in her first marriage.
Now, are you sure this has to be a costume party? AINSLEY: Yes, everybody has to dress up as their favorite rom-com character.
It's just, the English don't really do theme parties.
Unless the theme is "simmering class conflict", in which case that's every party.
Oh, I gotta take this.
Hey, bitch.
You ready for the best weekend of your life? MAYA: Oh, my God, yes.
I'm on the red-eye tonight.
I can't get out of New York fast enough.
AINSLEY: Rough morning? Yeah, I have aquarium gravel in my bra.
I think I'll just leave it at that.
Oh, hmm.
Let me guess: does it have something to do with your married boyfriend? Hey, you know, you're very judgmental for a woman who dated the guy who organized the Fyre Festival.
AINSLEY: He said he knew Ja Rule! [LAUGHTER.]
Anyway, I can't wait for you to meet my new guy, Maya.
He is a good one.
He's smart, he's funny.
- He's not gay, for once.
- Ooh, I bet I'll love him.
Hey, I hope your morning gets better.
Well, it couldn't get any worse.
Maya, you're late.
Ted's looking for you.
I gotta go.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
That was abrupt.
- Is your shirt wet? - No, it's dry.
It's normal.
So how did Ted do at the Bodo Latino breakfast? Great.
They loved his speech.
Well, I guess it was your speech.
Did he try to sing Despacito? Yes, but I cut off his mic before he got to the rap part.
- That's my girl.
- Maya, you're late.
So if it's not too much of an inconvenience I need to see you in my office.
[MELLOW ACOUSTIC GUITAR.]
You're 45 minutes late.
I'm so sorry.
I know I should have woken you up but you were snoring so cute.
No, no, this morning was not cool.
All those texts? "Get out, she's coming.
" I felt like I was in a horror movie.
And the black people always get murdered first.
I know, I know, and I'm sorry.
Liz never goes to our apartment in the city but there's a crow trapped in our chimney in Scarsdale.
Okay, huge day ahead.
I tried to sing Despacito earlier, which did not go well.
- Ted, we need to talk.
- Okay, shoot.
I'm not doing this anymore.
Your poor wife.
Hey, come on.
We've been through this.
My marriage is over.
I've been sleeping in the basement on the pool table for a year.
Yeah, okay, but I still get Christmas cards of you and your family in matching sweaters.
Yeah, those are bad.
I love you, but I'm done.
Wait, wait, come on.
Hey.
I'm done, too.
That's why I'm gonna tell her tonight.
No, you're not.
We're already enough of a cliché without you pretending you're going to leave your wife.
No, no.
Listen, listen.
I I didn't want to say anything yet, but I've already hired a lawyer.
My kids are away at video game camp this weekend.
All I gotta do is tell her.
Okay? I wanna be with you, Maya.
Well, I want to be with a senator, so stop kissing your communications director and get back to work.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
You've got a sweet little place in my heart Like a sweet little rain takes care of the flowers And that's love Your kind of love, your kind of love [ALERT CHIMES.]
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has just illuminated the "fasten seatbelts" sign, as we are now in our final approach to London Heathrow.
Please be sure to stow your tray tables You're not supposed to turn that on until we've landed.
I'm waiting for an important text from my boyfriend.
Oh, your boyfriend.
Then by all means, crash the plane.
[PHONE CLICKS.]
- [ENGINE ROARING.]
- HAROON: You know, you didn't have to come all the way down to Heathrow just to have breakfast with me.
I didn't come for you.
I came for your blood sugar.
If I'm not here you'll just have coffee and a chocolate bar.
Dr.
Oz says dark chocolate has antioxidants, so the joke is on you.
[LAUGHS.]
- You know, I saw Salman at masjid yesterday.
- Mm-hmm? I made sure to tell him how well you are doing.
I showed him one of your paystubs.
Dad, don't do that.
That's embarrassing.
I pray for Salman.
Imagine the tragedy of having a son who is a comic book artist.
I think it's cool he's following his dream.
Thank Allah your dream was investment banking.
Your mother would be so proud.
[PHONE BUZZING.]
Oh, no.
We have got a situation at the luggage counter.
- Shrieking American? - Always.
It's always that.
[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC.]
I'm so sorry, ma'am.
Tell me what happened.
Okay, I have explained three times - I'll handle this.
- Hi.
Please, I need my bag.
I took the wrong one off the carousel.
Calm down.
Calm down, ma'am.
Are you sure? Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is not my triple-XL Orlando t-shirt.
Listen, I work in politics, and that bag has some highly classified material in it.
[SNORTS.]
- I'm sorry, can I help you? - No, nothing.
"Highly classified".
Didn't realize Jack Ryan flew commercial.
Oh, great, yeah.
Pithy comments.
That's exactly what the situation needed.
Look, don't worry, ma'am.
We'll file a missing bag report and call you within 48 hours.
I'm gonna be back in New York in 48 hours! I can't buy all new clothes! I don't understand British sizes! Okay, okay.
Uh, there is an unclaimed baggage center offsite.
Uh, I can't take you there right now, but maybe my son can.
What? Dad, I can't hang out at the airport all day! I've gotta go to work.
Please? I feel like I misjudged you.
- Only for Haroon.
- Thanks, man.
Right, what does your suitcase look like? Medium sized, black.
Ah.
[SIGHS.]
It has wheels? So, what's your high-profile job in New York? I work for a congressman running for senate.
Ted Spencer: A new day for New York.
What? That's a terrible slogan.
- Who came up with that? - I did.
It's a great slogan.
We tested it with multiple demographics including male Indian voters and everybody loved it.
Look, I'm not Indian.
I'm Pakistani.
Oh, gosh, I am so sorry.
[SIGHS.]
You know, that's like when people ask me, "Where are you from?" But what they really mean is, "You look kind of black.
- Explain.
" - [LAUGHS.]
So what do you do? I'm a I'm an actor.
Ooh, cool.
Are you in anything I know? Uh, probably not.
I mostly do theater.
Shakespeare.
But modern stuff, too.
Caryl Churchill, Debbie Tucker Green.
Ooh, have you ever been in Mamma Mia!? - Ugh, I loved that show.
- No, not Mamma Mia! Definitely not Mamma Mia! Have you even seen it? No.
MERYL STREEP: Mamma mia, here I go again My, my, how can I resist you? Mamma mia So what do you think? What's the opposite of goosebumps? - I think I've got that.
- Oh, come on! Colin Firth, Pierce Brosnan, Meryl Streep.
How does one film waste so much talent? Excuse you, this is Meryl Streep's greatest role.
Oh, really? So not Sophie's Choice or Kramer vs.
Kramer? Sing one song from either of those movies.
You can't.
You got me there.
[LAUGHS.]
Maybe I only like it 'cause my mom and I saw it on Broadway a couple of months before she died.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
Now do you think it's good? [LAUGHS.]
I'm sorry.
I lost my mom too.
How old were you? I was 12.
It's more recent.
Sadder.
BOTH: [LAUGH.]
- [PHONE DINGING.]
- Oh, sorry.
Uh, they're private.
[SIGHS.]
You all right? Have you ever had the feeling you've gone down the wrong path? Like, somewhere along the line you've made a bad choice and now it's too late to go back? [SIGHS.]
I feel like that literally every day.
[SIGHS.]
I'm not really an actor.
What? [LAUGHS.]
But you are Pakistani, though, right? Yes, very.
I'm an investment banker.
Why would you lie about that? Well, I hate my job, and I've always wanted to act.
Still do, but I guess I kept making decisions in my life to please other people and, like you said, now it seems too late.
Oh, my God, this is my suitcase! I've been sitting on it! [LAUGHS.]
- What? - I've been sitting on it! [INDISTINCT P.
A.
ANNOUNCEMENT.]
Well, I'm off.
Uh, maybe one day I'll be watching a play in the West End and you'll walk out onstage and I'll be like, "Hey, it's suitcase guy.
" - BOTH: [LAUGH.]
- I hope you're right.
Next time, put a pink ribbon on it.
So you know it's yours.
Okay.
Well bye.
[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC.]
I like me better when I'm with you [DOOR CLICKS.]
Damn, Ainsley.
[LAUGHS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Hi.
- Oh.
You must be Maya.
I've been dying to meet you.
My name's Gemma.
I'm Ainsley's best friend.
Come on in.
Ainsley just nipped out to get some last-minute bits for her birthday party.
- Make yourself at home.
- Oh.
- Oh, here, let me take those.
- It's for Ainsley.
Twinkies are her favorite and they don't have them here, so Oh, she's off sugar.
She won't eat these.
Please, in college she'd pound like ten of these without even chewing.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, were you at college with Ainsley, too? I always thought of Ainsley, Duffy, and Craig as more of a trio.
No, there were always four of us.
Forgive me, I just assumed.
You know, because they all moved to London and left you behind.
Well, we all did a semester here and wanted to move back to London after graduation, but I got a great job in New York and decided to stay.
Good for you.
I love my child too much to work.
Hmm.
And, uh, how how do you and Ainsley know each other? - Oh, I live across the street.
- Oh.
But our friendship transcends being mere neighbors.
Ainsley saw me through a very dark time.
Oh.
We were renovating our country home and the bathroom tile I had selected was discontinued.
She's an amazing person.
- Yeah, I agree.
- Me, too.
Well, you can't agree if you said it.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
[SCREAMING.]
Maya, you're here! Ooh, gosh! Oh, I'm so excited! Oh, shit.
I'm not really eating sugar right now.
That's okay.
Mm.
Mm.
Phew.
What do you think of my costume? CRAIG: Are you a homeless man? - If so, you nailed it! - What? No.
Dude, I'm Lloyd Dobler from Say Anything How do you not know that? CRAIG: I didn't spend all of high school watching movies.
I played sports and hooked up with girls.
That feels pointed.
Look, Craig I called you for a pep talk, man.
I'm gonna tell Maya tonight.
You sure? 'Cause she's still with Ted.
DUFFY: Yeah, and Ted's still with his wife.
Look, how often does Maya come to London? I feel like it's now or never.
Okay, dude.
You got this.
You got this.
You've liked her for ten years.
She'd be lucky to be with you.
You're not some nerd in a dorm anymore.
Well, actually, I still do live in a dorm, but thank you.
- That's true.
- ZARA: Craig? I gotta go.
You got this, my Duff.
All right, appreciate it, brother.
ZARA: Craig? Why are you not dressed yet? The party's about to start.
You look great.
Are you like a bar wench? I'm Ella Enchanted, Craig.
Ella Enchanted.
How do you not know that? Oh, damn it.
I was just kidding, Zara! I knew what you were! - [PHONE DINGS.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [CURIOUS MUSIC.]
- - - ZARA: Craig! Put your costume on! Or don't, and we'll just say you're Will Smith in Hitch.
[HALL & OATES' YOU MAKE MY DREAMS.]
[RETREATING FOOTSTEPS.]
HALL: What I want, you've got But it might be hard to handle But like the flame that burns the candle The candle feeds the flame, yeah, yeah What I got full stock of thoughts and dreams That's Maya.
- Pretty.
- Horrible.
Quite.
HALL: Oh, yeah, where were you? Duffy! Hi! I'm so happy to see you.
[GROANS.]
Me, too.
You look so great.
No one gets my costume.
Monica from Love & Basketball.
Yeah, we watched it spring freshman year.
- Remember? - Yeah, how could I forget? We killed that box of wine and then I had sex with Kyle.
Kyle, my roommate.
Right.
Hey, do you want to go somewhere and talk? Yeah, sure.
Um, let me get us some drinks and I'll meet you in the garden.
Yes.
No, yes, perfect.
Okay, uh, see you soon.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'll have two of those.
Oh, sorry.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hi.
Suitcase guy? Hi! I can't believe you're here.
I was about to say the same thing.
When I left the airport I was thinking, "Wow, "this guy helped me find my stupid suitcase and I didn't even thank him, and now I'm never gonna see him again.
" - But here you are.
- Yep.
So thank you.
My name's Maya.
- "Maya"? - AINSLEY: Oh, my God! I was looking for you two! Kash, this is my best friend, Maya.
Maya, this is my boyfriend, Kash.
[LAUGHS.]
[SOFT EXCLAMATION.]
[STAMMERING.]
Wait wait, this is Kash? - Your boyfriend Kash? - Yes.
- Why are you so surprised? - No, I'm not.
It's just, when you hear "Kash" you think of, like, a bad LA rapper.
Not, like, a nice ethnic Kash with a "K".
- [LAUGHS.]
- Ooh, Maya.
Kash's father works at the airport.
Maybe he could help you find that cute guy you met there.
Uh, I don't remember mentioning anything about that.
Are you insane? You were gushing.
She called him "Ryan Gosling dipped in caramel.
" - MAYA: What? No.
- AINSLEY: Yeah, you did.
You also said, "Super hot.
Bangable.
" I did not say that.
Uh, that's that's very nice.
Big M! MAYA: Craig.
I so hate that nickname.
[GRUNTS.]
Have you met Kash? - BOTH: We just met.
- AINSLEY: Craig set us up.
They work at Goldman together.
Kash was recently promoted to vice president of middle market leveraged buyout lending.
I have no idea what that means, but I love how fancy it sounds.
[LAUGHTER.]
So is Zara here? I'd love to meet her.
Yes, will you go over and talk to her? She's gonna make me leave before I even get buzzed, 'cause she thinks my friends don't like her.
It is not that.
We just don't want to get attached to another girl you end up dumping after a couple months.
Not this one.
We're moving in together.
- MAYA: [GASPS.]
- What? Mate, congrats! That's awesome.
Maybe in a decade or two, I'll be ready to get married.
- Well - [STAMMERS.]
All right, come on.
This calls for a celebration.
Let's go.
- CRAIG: Toasts? - KASH: Yes.
- CRAIG: Can you believe? - KASH: Champagne.
Isn't Kash great? He is.
Maya, you are the perfect woman for me.
You're beautiful.
You're smart.
We're both allergic to the same tree nuts.
And I've been in love with you for a long time.
I keep having these dreams - [DOOR OPENS.]
- [BUTTON CLICKS.]
PETER GABRIEL: All my instincts They return - Oh, hi.
- What are you doing? Uh, nothing.
Sorry.
Sorry about this.
Sorry.
Stop, stop, stop! [MUSIC STOPS.]
So what's up? GEMMA: Have you seen my husband, Quentin? Sometimes when he's been overserved, he falls asleep in shrubs.
It reminds him of his childhood in Kenya.
- Yeah, no, I haven't seen him.
- [SIGHS.]
- Is Maya in there? - Yes.
She's reminiscing very loudly with all your friends.
Oh, cool.
Well, if you see her could could you not tell her I'm out here, but maybe imply that I'm out here? Are you that man from Say Anything? Yes, yes, you're the first person to get that.
I am.
Are you trying to seduce someone like this? No, yeah no I'm just chilling.
Good, because that would be pitiful.
Yeah, totally.
I agree.
Yeah.
[UPBEAT '80S POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
- [PHONE CHIRPING.]
- - - [REVELATORY MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC CONTINUES.]
- - [PHONE CHIRPING.]
- Oh, hey.
- Hi again.
Are you waiting for the loo? Me, too.
[SIGHS.]
I didn't actually say - you were caramel Ryan Gosling.
- Oh, you don't have to I mean, I said those words, but I was exaggerating for storytelling purposes.
Of course.
Compared to Ryan Gosling, I'm grotesque.
I actually said Brian Gosling.
Yeah, you wouldn't know him.
He's an American celebrity known for his average looks.
Oh, right, okay.
That stuff about hating my job and wanting to give it all up to be an actor, do you mind not telling Ainsley? Oh, I would never.
Already forgotten.
Thanks, I appreciate it.
Sorry, sorry.
Fell asleep on the loo.
Not my fault.
I was overserved.
Wow.
[LAUGHS.]
I'll come back.
I'm just Oh, yeah, cool.
Okay.
TED: Hey.
Why are you calling me? I said I would call you.
- Did you tell her? - TED: Hold on.
[TAP SQUEAKS, WATER RUNNING.]
[SIGHS.]
Uh, Maya, I was going to, I swear.
Oh, my God.
But you changed your mind.
No, no, did you see the new Quinnipiac poll? We're up by three points.
Holy shit.
I bet it was that Politico video you did on fair housing.
Yeah, the one that you made me do.
- This is all you, Maya.
- I can't believe it.
We could actually win.
I don't love that my communications director can't believe I could actually win, but yeah.
We're so close.
That's why I you know.
Can't tell her now.
It could jeopardize the whole campaign.
Right, but as soon as we win.
I swear to God, okay? I love you.
I know.
- Look, I gotta go.
- Okay, bye.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
ALL: Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday Hey, were you waiting for me out front? Because I was out back.
ALL: Happy birthday to you It's amazing.
[LAUGHS.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Nice! [INAUDIBLE.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
I'm never going to a costume party again.
One guy thought I was Scottie Pippen.
I thought it was fun! Although, nobody used the official hashtag.
I mean, was hashtag "Ainsley's totally awesome 30th rom-com birthday bash" so hard to add to your photos? DUFFY: Yeah, it was so fun.
Except for the three hours I spent outside.
[LAUGHS.]
Still waiting on that drink.
Oh, I know.
I'm so sorry, Duffy.
You weren't really waiting outside for me for, like, three hours, were you? Oh, no, no.
Yeah, there was, like, tons of people out there and yeah, people started saying, like, "Yeah, the real party is out here, so" - Like, who said that? - Uh, yeah, I don't know.
Just people, so but the point is, I was having a great time.
I wasn't just out there on my own or waiting for Maya, so Craig, can you help me out here? - Craig? - Get off of your phone.
Really? Facebook? Are you 60? Okay, sorry.
Sorry, sorry.
No more phone.
So, how long are you here for? - Oh, she's staying forever.
- Mm.
Come on, can't you just stay for a little while? - Like, just until I die? - I know, I'd love to.
But I have to get back tomorrow.
Ted has a thing.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Yeah, a wife.
Oh, ha, ha, ha.
Hilarious.
I forgot how funny bankers are.
Oh.
Actually, Kash is really funny.
- Sometimes he sends me memes.
- CRAIG: What? No.
No, he's not.
I'm the funny one in the office.
Everyone's always like, "Do Denzel! Do Denzel!" And I'm like [DEEP LAUGH.]
I see you.
- My man.
- AINSLEY: God.
It genuinely upsets me when you do that.
- It's not bad.
- It's terrible.
- It's great.
- I do not like that.
Uh, speaking of Kash, what's the deal? - Is he serious? - Oh, who knows? I mean, the last thing I want to do is rush into anything.
[SWEEPING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC.]
- - - They're ready for you.
- REPORTER: Ms.
Jones! Ms.
Jones! Are the rumors true? Sadly, yes.
As of this morning, Senator Spencer and his wife have officially separated.
They ask that you respect their privacy during this trying time.
[REPORTERS CLAMORING.]
REPORTER: Ms.
Jones! [NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[SIGHS.]
- Oh, my God.
- What's wrong? - [SIGHS.]
- Oh, no.
You're not having second thoughts, are you? 'Cause now would be a really weird time to dump me.
No, I just never thought it would happen.
You actually did it, and now I get to take my handsome senator boyfriend to my best friend's wedding in London, the most beautiful city in the world.
Hey, you're dating a New York senator.
So if anyone asks, your favorite city is Utica.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm so stupidly happy.
I just hope your friends like me.
- They won't.
- [LAUGHS.]
But we have the rest of our lives to work on that.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Okay, I'll send a car for 8:00.
- You got it, Senator.
- Bye.
Bye.
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
[PHONE BUZZING.]
LANIE: Oh, my God, are you watching this? Is this something about The Bachelor? I told you, black people don't watch that.
LANIE: No, it's Ted! Turn on the news! He was having an affair! REPORTER: Details coming in now on a breaking story.
It was revealed today that newly-elected senator Ted Spencer has been involved in an extramarital affair.
Oh, God.
REPORTER: Sources report the woman at the center of the scandal is one of the senator's employees.
Just moments ago her identity was confirmed.
Oh, no.
Kaylee Haskins, an NYU sophomore.
Haskins worked for Spencer and his wife as a dog walker.
- KAYLEE: No comment! No comment! - Have some respect! I'm at work! REPORTER: Kaylee, how long has it been going on? Fuck.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[DOGS BARKING.]
REPORTER: Kaylee, tell your story! - [SIGHS.]
- KAYLEE: Stop! ["HEART OF GLASS" PLAYING.]
[PHONE DINGS.]
- Once I had a love and it was a gas - Soon turned out I had a heart of glass - [SIGHS.]
- Seemed like the real thing [PHONE CLATTERS.]
Only to find - So much mistrust - Love's gone behind [MELLOW MUSIC.]
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
- - [LAUGHING.]
- Ooh! - BOTH: [LAUGHING.]
She said yes! - AINSLEY: Yep! - MAYA: We're in love.
BOTH: [LAUGHING.]
Hi, guys! Sorry, uh, after last week's flatiron mishap, I've decided to stop doing hair tutorials and focus instead on another passion: cooking.
Ah, hey, babe.
[SNIFFS.]
What's that smell? Did you fart? [GROANS.]
I was live, Craig! I'm doing a delicious cookery video for my YouTube channel.
Cooking? You just boiled eggs.
I don't know how to do anything else.
Where are you going? The wedding's in a few hours.
Uh, me and Maya are just going for a quick run.
She's really in the dumps about Ted.
- Poor girl.
- Yeah.
It's really tough being a mistress.
So much sneaking around.
Not that I would know.
Yeah, I'll be sure to tell her that to make her feel better.
[SMOOCHES.]
Hey, and by the way, do you mind Picking out an outfit? Yes, of course.
- I love you.
- My boo.
Tighter.
Come on, Nigel.
[BLOWS KISS.]
Oh, Giles.
Hello.
When did you get here? I've been at home for two days, Daddy.
Splendid.
Ah, Cragscross.
You know, that school has taught seven generations of Thorpe-Bloods how to be men.
[GAGS.]
Oh, that's not oolong.
Oh, that's awful.
That's not oolong.
Ramona? Ramona, there you are.
This isn't oolong.
I can't have it.
- Makes my mouth weird.
- I said tighter.
You sure you can breathe in that lark? I'll breathe when I'm dead.
Quite right.
Come on, Harvey.
And it's not just that he cheated on me.
He completely blew up my career.
I was supposed to be chief of staff for a senator! And now I've just lost everything.
- Wait, shut up, shut up.
- "Shut up"? You're the one that told me we needed to go on this run so we could talk.
Yeah, about me.
- Where are we going? - Come over here.
[PANTING.]
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
MAYA: What? See those girls over there playing soccer? Yeah.
See the one in the red shorts? Yeah.
Getting weirder.
That's my daughter.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
What? Wh holy shit! You have a daughter? Since when? About a year ago, I got a Facebook message from this woman, Julia, who claimed we hooked up when I first moved to London Well, that narrows it down to a million girls.
And that I'm the father of her kid.
She just had questions about my medical history 'cause her daughter has asthma.
But after I answered she stopped responding.
So I hired someone, and a month ago he found her.
Now some Saturdays most Saturdays I come here.
And you're sure it's that girl? The one in the red shorts? ALL: [CHEERING.]
In your face! Yes! Okay, yep, that's definitely her.
Oh, my God, Craig.
- What did everyone say? - I haven't told anyone yet.
Well, what did Zara say? Craig.
I wanted to tell you first to get your opinion! You're a fixer! - Fix this! - [SCOFFS.]
Well, as someone who just got out of a relationship built on lies, you need to be honest with this girl's mom and with Zara.
Either way, nothing good ever came out of a guy hiding in the bushes at a kids' soccer game.
ALL: Molly! Molly! Molly! Her name is Molly.
ALL: [CHANTING.]
Molly! Molly! [OBJECT THUDS.]
Oh, my God, Poppy, this wedding is gonna be so ritzy.
[LAUGHS.]
Don't take your eyes off my Insta stories tonight.
Cuff links.
Oh, my God, Poppy, I think I've just found my birthday present.
I'll call you back when I find out how expensive it is.
Bye.
[LAUGHS.]
"M"? Maya.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
[MELLOW ACOUSTIC GUITAR.]
Okay.
HAROON: [CLEARS THROAT.]
Damn, Dad, you look good.
Pakistani James Bond in the house.
I'm Khan.
Haroon Khan.
One martini.
Shaken, not stirred.
No alcohol please.
Can you guys please be quieter? I'm trying to practice my speech in the next room and the walls are thin.
Are you okay, Beta? Huh? - Would you like to try it on us? - Yeah, go on.
I'm fine, I just need you guys to stop being so lame so I can practice.
[LAUGHS.]
He's kind of a little shit, isn't he? He's just nervous.
I'm nervous, too.
Doing the right thing, aren't I? Marrying Ainsley? Why would you ask that? Kashif.
You know I struggled with you marrying outside our faith.
But you have always made the right decisions.
Going to Cambridge.
Choosing a great career.
Agreeing to do a nikkah after your wedding.
Only to keep you happy.
That imam is weird.
He keeps trying to relate the Quran to pop culture.
And now you're marrying a woman you love.
So if this is what your heart is telling you to do, then you know it's right.
[LAUGHS.]
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[CHEERFUL MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
"It does not envy.
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
" Oh, there you are.
Oh, wow, Gemma.
You look great.
It's almost like we aren't wearing the same dress.
Well, different bodies.
How are you holding up, dear? Ainsley told me everything.
Such is our bond.
I'm not focusing on me right now.
Sort of my job as maid of honor to keep today about Ainsley.
Well, good luck with your reading.
Good luck with yours.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
"Love is patient.
Love is kind.
" [SCOFFS.]
Yeah, right.
"It does not envy" - Hey.
- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I just wandered in here to practice my Bible reading.
Wait, wait, it's fine.
Oh.
- How are you? - Uh, me? I'm [LAUGHS.]
How I am is not important.
How are you? - Pretty nervous, actually.
- Why? You're marrying, like, the best person I know.
And weddings are easy.
You're an actor.
You're already in costume.
Just go out there and say your lines.
Simple.
Wasn't so simple for Sophie and Sky's wedding.
- You watched Mamma Mia! - Yeah, I did.
And for a movie that makes no sense, I've gotta say, I enjoyed it.
Although, did you think it was weird that her mum performed at her hen night? - Yes, so weird.
- Right? But I guess they had to get their money's worth, 'cause she's dead in the second one.
What? Meryl's dead? Oh, my God, why would you ruin that for me? I'm so sorry.
Uh, okay, on that note I should get out of here.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Right, yeah.
The Senator's probably wondering where you are.
Oh, Ainsley didn't tell you? - Tell me ? - He couldn't make it.
'Cause we we broke up.
And, uh, thought it would be weird to bring him here under those circumstances, being that I hate him and wish he was dead.
Um, I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Oh, uh, just a second.
Oh.
- There we go.
- Thanks.
Okay, I will let you get back to it.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
[WHISPERING.]
Oh, fuck.
[LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC.]
MAYA: Hey! - How are you? - CRAIG: So good.
[SIGHS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
PRIEST: And which brings us here today to celebrate the union of Kashif Khan and Ainsley Howard.
And now, a reading from the Prophet Isaiah.
Instead of doing a reading from the Bible, I thought I would instead turn to the words of a blind prophet, a poet who spoke to the very nature of love.
[STEVIE WONDER'S FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE PLAYING ON ORGAN.]
For once in my life I have someone who needs me Someone I've needed so long For once I'm afraid I can go where life leads me Somehow I know I'll be strong For once I can touch What my heart used to dream of Long before I knew Oh, someone warm like you Would make my dreams come true I know I'm only a bridesmaid, but I wanted to express my love Emeli Sandé, get out here, girl! CHOIR: Someone who needs me For once in my life I won't let sorrow hurt me Not like it hurt me before CHOIR: Not like it hurt me before EMELI SANDE: For once I have someone I know won't desert me I'm not alone anymore For once I can say This is mine, you can't take it Long as I have love I know I can make it BOTH: For once in my life I have someone who needs me CHOIR: Needs me For once in my life CHOIR: Who needs me For once in my life [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Congratulations.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[MOUTHING WORDS.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
GEMMA: Good luck.
Jesus Christ, what a performance.
Oh, sorry.
And now for the reading from "Paul's First Letter to the Corinthians", the bride's friend from America: Maya.
Tough act to follow.
[SIGHS.]
Didn't know we could sing.
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love is great.
Love is blind? Um, in the beginning, God created love.
Thank you, oh, Lord, for love, thy greatest creation, given unto us, thy children.
Thank thou.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I take a look at my life and realize there's nothing left.
- That Gangsta's Paradise? - That's Gangsta's Paradise.
Nothing left except love.
All you need is love, because if you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an "amen"? RuPaul? Does no one here watch, uh Please, just sit.
Yeah.
Horrible.
Just horrible.
[INDISTINCT WHISPERING.]
You were so great.
I think everybody, like, really liked it.
And now, will the bride and groom please come forward? [LAUGHING SOFTLY.]
[MELLOW, SWEET MUSIC.]
In the sight of God, do you, Kashif Khan, take this woman, Ainsley Howard, to be your lawfully wedded wife? [SIGHS.]
I, uh [STAMMERS.]
I would love to talk to you for a second.
What? I just I would love to talk to you.
Somewhere else.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Kash, what are you doing? Young man, do you take this woman to be your wife? I think I just - I don't think I do.
- [GASPS.]
I don't.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
["HEART OF GLASS" PLAYING.]
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC.]
Once I had a love and it was a gas Soon turned out, I had a heart of glass Seemed like the real thing Only to find So much mistrust Love's gone behind MAN: Go to bed.
[WAGNER'S BRIDAL CHORUS PLAYING ON ORGAN.]
- I don't.
- You don't? Maybe? [CROWD GASPING.]
ANNOUNCER: This season on Four Weddings and a Funeral There has to be some reason why this happened.
We had the perfect relationship.
You don't just throw that away for nothing.
HAROON: You have not been out of the house for a week.
You know, since your very public humiliation.
Ainsley, you'll get through this.
We'll help you.
- And Kash sucks.
- ALL: Kash sucks.
SINGER: Let me take this moment Show you how to own it I'm gonna tell Maya that I love her in front of everyone.
Go big or go home.
Oh, you should go home.
CRAIG: I have a daughter.
Craig, you still haven't told her? - I need to talk to you.
- Oh, my God! I found this necklace.
It's obviously for Maya.
Let's not jump to any conclusions, okay? "M" could mean anything: Mary, Meghan, Monica Those are other women.
That doesn't make me feel better.
Tell me you don't think about me too.
MAYA: I wish things weren't so complicated.
Have any of you seen Zara? She's just totally disappeared.
We stick together like the Spice Girls.
They famously broke up.
Oh, God, this is intolerable.
AINSLEY: Someone told me, you show up for the people who matter the most to you.
Good luck, man! Love will find a way, bro.
Do you really think I can do this? I do.
But I'm wrong about most things.