Frank of Ireland (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

♪♪
I don't have
plans and schemes ♪
And I don't have
hopes and dreams ♪
I don't have anything ♪
Since I don't ♪
Have you ♪
Fuck.
WOMAN: I cannot believe
you did it again.
- (snoring)
- Mam.
Oh, you're so boring.
How many times you gonna
do this with her?
It's like "Return of
the Living Dead."
(groaning)
Her grandma died yesterday.
Oh. Pity shag.
Mm-mm. We're invited to
the wake.
Oh, yeah. Wakey-wakey.
Shove it up your jack, Mary.
(groans)
(sighs)
Oh
Your grandma had
a long life, Aine.
I can't believe
I rode you again.
Oh.
Last night was a mistake.
Absolutely. Why?
For the last couple
of weeks, Frank,
I've been
I've been seeing someone.
A doctor.
Oh, my God.
Is it serious?
It might be.
Do I need to get tested?
No, Frank.
I've been seeing him.
We've been seeing each other.
So, it is serious.
Do I need to get tested or not?
I have to go.
- That was the last time.
- Absolutely.
Hey. Do you want to
get brunch?
♪♪
FRANK:
"Thank God for the rain.
"It washes the crap off
the sidewalk.
"Someday, a big rain
will wash away
all this scum on the street.
"Loneliness follows me
wherever I go.
"I am
God's lonely man."
♪♪
Robert DeNiro.
"Taxi Driver."
Very good.
It's a great movie.
Have you seen it?
Nope. Don't really want to.
"You never had no pussy
like that.
"You could do whatever you like
with her, you could"
(sirens wailing)
"She'll get your cock so hard
she'll make it explode."
(indistinct dialog on radio)
- I was doin' Harvey Keitel.
- Oh.
FRANK: Doofus!
- (honks horn)
- Hey!
- Doofus!
- Get back, will ya?
Doofus. Doofus.
(horn honks)
- Frank?
- The wake, Doofus, the wake.
- (horn honks)
- I can't, Frank.
- I'll be fired.
- (horn honks)
I have to be back
before lunch.
Frank.
What's the plan, Frank?
You hawk these by the buffet.
I'll press the flesh,
check out the corpse.
Get your Duke Governs EP,
two for a fiver.
- Christ, Doofus.
- St. Francis of Assisi
come to preach
the simple life.
Mam, what are you doin' here?
You said you couldn't give me a lift.
Free booze. Bit of craic.
It's lovely to see ya, Frank.
It means so much to Aine.
Myself and Aine are just
friends now, Padraig,
I've been very clear.
The last thing I want to do is
get back with that nightmare
you call a daughter.
Now, where's the corpse?
- Me mam?
- Your mam. Yeah.
DOOFUS:
They've got trifle, Frank.
Sandra's not your mam anymore.
You know,
from this day forward,
she's she's just
a dead old lady.
Well, I hope that helps.
- Not really.
- Oh
I wanted to ask you something,
Frank.
Would you do us
the very great honor
of playing a song
at her funeral?
- What?
- Holy shit. A gig?
No, not a gig, no.
No, I was thinkin' more like
one song, you know,
at the funeral.
He'll fuck it up, Padraig.
Doofus, he wants me
to play a gig.
A gig? Holy shitballs. Woo!
Give me high five, buddy.
You know what?
That sounds great.
Let Let me think about it,
Padraig, okay?
It's just It's been a while
since I've actually, um
- Mm-hm.
- Can I get back to you?
It's just Yeah.
Where's Aine?
She's inside with
her new boyfriend.
Her new what?
Why didn't someone tell me?
Have they
- Have they done it yet?
- I hope not.
He does MMA.
Duke Governs,
back in the game!
♪♪
- Frank.
- What's this? Who's this?
Oh, my God, that's so weird.
Peter-Brian.
Thanks for coming.
Oh, Peter-Brian.
Thanks for coming.
Sorry, it's just I've
never seen a stiff before.
She looks terrible.
Is she stuffed?
She's not stuffed, Frank.
She looks so realistic.
What's goin' on here?
How did this happen?
Doctor said it was
organ failure.
Not this. This.
Oh. Well, it's, uh
It's kind of a mad story,
actually.
(mocking)
Mad story, actually.
I was walking down
Thomas Street a few weeks ago,
and all of a sudden,
I see this vision.
And she's being hassled by
some awful thugs, so I, um
Well, look,
I I stepped in.
Don't be so modest,
Peter-Brian.
- He does MMA.
- Oh, I heard.
And I know your type.
Underground ravings.
All night sex parties.
Drinkin' way too much water.
Shittin' yourself.
Are you thinking of MDMA?
- No.
- MMA stands for Mixed Martial Arts.
I know what it stands for.
Well, I'm a musician.
- I'm sure Aine told you.
- Well, she said you
You hadn't played
in quite a while.
I'm actually playing
the funeral tomorrow.
- What? Frank, no.
- What's your jam, man?
- Don't bond with him.
- I'm a singer-songwriter.
I go under the moniker
Duke Governs
and the Legislators.
The last few years,
I've been working on
a 32-track double album
about Ireland
in which each song is
named after a single county.
I've only got the title so far,
but I just came up with
"Blood Is Thicker Than
Waterford," so you're welcome.
What do you do when you're not
preying on vagrants,
and gettin' off your tits?
I'm a doctor.
So am I.
- You're not a doctor, Frank.
- I'm gonna do MDMA.
- MMA.
- And you definitely don't do MMA.
I do. Yeah.
(grunts)
- Are you a doctor, dude?
- No.
(grunting)
That's Frank.
♪♪
Did you know that
taking Ecstasy
also known as dabbing
or bombing
- is considered a gateway drug
- He doesn't do Ecstasy.
- It stands for Mixed Martial Arts.
- Mixed Martial Arts.
I know.
You're rushing things, Aine.
We only broke off
- Six years ago.
- Six years ago,
and all of a sudden you're out gallivanting
with a yoked up party boy.
- It doesn't mean Ecstasy.
- I know.
What was all that last night?
I was upset about my grandma.
Bullshit.
Frank, you don't want me.
You just want me to be
unhappy without you.
Exactly. So the thing you have
going with Barry-Peter
- Peter-Brian.
- It's 100 percent unacceptable.
You broke up with me because
because I wouldn't do anal.
A relationship should be
give and take.
Give and take.
Are you guys goin' out again?
- We'll see, Doofus, we'll see.
- No, Frank, it's over.
If you want Billy-Barry
in there,
any funny stuff
off my gig tomorrow,
I'll knock his
bloody block off.
I'd like to see you try.
- (sighs)
- I need to learn MMA before the funeral.
- Book it now.
- No, I'm due back at work, Frank, they'll sack me.
- MMA, now.
- Shouldn't you rehearse instead?
- MMA. Now, now, now!
- Okay.
You ever seen the film
"Taxi Driver"?
- No.
- Amazing movie.
In a world gone bananas,
one sane man stands up for
what's right.
"Do you know
what he called you?
He called you
a little piece of chicken."
Don't really know
the film so
"You never had no pussy
like that!
- "You can do
- (sirens wailing)
"Man, she'll get your cock so hard,
she'll make it explode."
- I was doin' Harvey Keitel.
- He was doin' Harvey Keitel.
What time is it?
Might have a quick cry.
(Frank sobbing)
Five more minutes, Frank.
Okay. (sobbing)
♪♪
This is the last time I take
time off work, Frank.
They, uh They said if
I miss one more day,
I'm out on my ear.
- Holy shit.
- (hissing)
- Look at her.
- (hissing, grunting)
♪♪
I love her, Frank.
I love her.
Frank, is it?
- Yes, miss.
- Nicola.
I'll be your trainer today.
Right.
Let's start in the cage, boys.
Lock it.
So, lads, what are you
lookin' to get out of this?
To defend myself
against bullies.
- To defend myself against doctors.
- Okay.
Can you teach me how to do
a fish hook, Nicola?
- It's for a funeral.
- Yeah, fish hooks are banned.
It said on your form you've done
a bit of sparring, Doofus.
Uh, yeah, well, I, um
I used to work, uh,
part time in a Spar,
so it was only light sparring.
I'm a wee bit rusty
is the thing, Nicola.
Wah-wah.
I'm a wee bit rusty, Nicola.
Oil me up.
Cover me in oil.
(grunts)
Fuckin' hell!
- That hurt?
- No.
Nicola. Yeah, that's a
that's a nice name.
- Are you busy tomorrow or
- Hey, don't (grunts)
Oh, wow.
Oh, man, that hurts.
Straight left to the chest.
Watch out for that Doofus, yeah?
- Thank you.
- Oh, yeah!
Champion of everything.
(grunts)
- Fuckin' hell!
- It's a liver shot, it's deadly.
(grunts)
Is that a boner?
Yeah. I don't know,
that's
that's a strange one.
- (grunts)
- (groans)
DOOFUS: I'm sorry.
You're so pretty.
- You little
- Nice to meet ya, Nicola.
(grunting)
(screaming)
- Nicola.
- (groans) Help me, Frank.
Would you like to go for
a drink with me tonight?
(groans) Frank,
you have to rehearse.
Yeah, why not.
(grunts)
(farting)
FRANK: If the date
goes well tonight,
I might ask her to
the funeral.
She's the perfect combo of
protection and arm candy.
But I bagsied her.
You kicked her in
the gee, Doofus.
I was jealous.
See you in the mornin'.
Oh, no, I can't go, Frank,
my work.
(door closes)
(sighs)
♪♪
(thudding)
Hey.
- What's goin' on?
- Nothing.
Frank.
(scoffs)
H How are you, Frank?
Padraig.
- What are you doin' here?
- Grieving.
He just looked so sad.
She's a wonderful woman,
your mother.
She took me in.
She loved me.
Oh, God.
She made me feel again.
Yeah. Oh, Mam.
I've decided.
- I'm playin' the funeral.
- You'll do it?
Oh, Frank.
That's great news.
What a family.
Why don't you boys
take it outside
and discuss the details?
Give Mary some alone time.
Yeah. Let's get you
into some pants.
The last thing we want
at a comeback concert
My mam's not coming back.
Is for me to get up there
and sing something boring.
You know? Like, I just
came up with a title,
"The Witches of
East Wicklow,"
which I really think is
a quite good idea.
Have you written it or have
you just come up with a title?
Just come up with a title.
The funeral is tomorrow,
we don't have time.
- You need to rehearse.
- What did you have in mind?
Well, Mam always loved
"The Lord Is My Shepherd."
Jesus, Padraig.
Buzz kill.
Let me play something that
people can sing along to.
I Googled some
heartbreaking ballads,
which are actually popular with our target
audience of elderly mourners.
So how about,
"My Heart Will Go On"?
Well, Mam died from the
the heart trouble,
- I never knew
- Okay, fair enough.
"How Sweet It Is
To Be Loved By You"?
- She was diabetic.
- Right.
- "You'll Never Walk Alone"?
- Two things.
- It was by Jerry and the Pacemakers.
- Oh, God.
And she lost her left foot
to diabetes,
so the whole idea of
walking alone
- "Unforgettable"?
- Towards the end, Frank, you know, her memory wasn't
You need to work with me
on this, Padraig.
What about,
There was an old man
called Michael Finnegan ♪
Same second name.
She grew whiskers
on her chin again ♪
Fuck it!
"The Lord Is My Shepherd"
it is.
- You happy now?
- Yes. Thanks.
Listen,
is Mary coming tomorrow?
There's something special
about that woman.
Yeah. I better go.
Okay, go.
And practice the song.
Yeah. Yeah,
practice the song.
♪♪
Sorry I'm late.
I had to stop for a cry.
Yeah. No worries.
I drank your pint.
Next to me, little man.
Yeah, just
Listen, I can't stay long,
I've got a gig in the morning.
A gig. Really?
Yeah, I have to rehearse
the song, too.
Let's just take it easy.
Just gonna have one pint,
and then head home.
Hey.
Do you want some MDMA?
The Lord is my shepherd,
I'll not want ♪
He makes me down to lie ♪
In pastures green
he leadeth me ♪
The quiet waters by ♪
♪♪
(woman screaming)
♪♪
(screaming)
Within the paths of
righteousness ♪
For his own namesake ♪
Jesus Christ, no!
(indistinct shouting)
♪♪
I really need to
learn that song.
Fuck that.
Red or white?
- What?
- Never mind.
Rosé.
♪♪
Who's this, Frank?
My MDMA instructor.
And what's she doing here?
Teaching me the basics of
unarmed combat.
- Right.
- Ahh!
You know,
I dated a fella once
who was into
erotic asphyxiation.
Didn't work out in the end.
He needed room to breathe.
- He couldn't breathe.
- I get it.
- I was chokin' him when I was
- I get it, Mam.
I don't think you should play
the funeral, pet.
- Last time you
- It's my destiny.
I am destiny's child.
We talked about this, Frank.
The cycle.
Never moving on.
Still living at home.
You think I want to stay
in this hell hole?
I'm looking after you.
I'm the dutiful son
personified.
You really believe that?
All right, Frank.
Well, it's your funeral.
Uh
♪♪
Wha What kind of gig
is this?
Huh?
- Is this a funeral?
- Yeah. Problem?
- Sellin' the EPs, Doofus.
- No.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
I I got fired from work,
Frank.
Frank, you're late.
Who's this?
Where's Mary?
Are you on drugs?
Padraig, I've a lot
on my plate right now, okay?
What's the story
with sound check?
Sound check?
The funeral's started.
Jesus' sake.
Amateur hour.
Hi. You look nice.
PRIEST: So we thank you
for joining us today
to celebrate the life of
Sandra Finnegan.
(whispering)
May peace be with you.
PRIEST:we have
a special friend
- May peace be with you. Yeah.
- PRIEST: Frank Marron,
also known as Duke Governs,
- who is going to sing Sandra's favorite song
- May peace be with you.
- "The Lord Is My Shepherd."
- FRANK: May peace be with you.
- (organ plays)
- I'm not singing that horseshit.
I'm doing
"Every Breath You Take."
No, no, no.
She had emphysema.
She had everything under
the fuckin' sun, Padraig.
Fine.
I'll freestyle this
motherfucker.
♪♪
(organ plays dissonant chords)
Well, that's the second
worst case of organ failure this week.
(laughs)
Here's a little ditty
for God's sickest woman.
Woo!
(Frank clears his throat)
There was an old man
called Sandra Finnegan ♪
She grew whiskers
on her chin again ♪
The wind came out
and blew them in again ♪
- (strums guitar)
- Nope.
Poor old Sandra Finnegan,
begin again ♪
Everybody!
There was an old man
called Sandra Finnegan ♪
For God's sake.
- What? What?
- You're ruining this.
Shut up, Aine.
Sandra hated you anyway.
Frank. It is not
an appropriate song.
What are you talkin' about?
She had a beard.
- You need to stop, dude.
- Oh!
What are you gonna do about it,
tough guy?
I've got protection with me
this time.
Everybody, meet Nicola.
She's my new girlfriend-
slash-bodyguard.
She's built like
a brick shithouse,
and she's got a black belt
in lovemaking, doggie style.
Nicki, sic 'em!
- Nope.
- This is all totally out of order, Frank.
Don't talk to me about
out of order, Padraig,
you were halfway up
my mam yesterday.
(gasping)
Now, I really want to
hear you on this
next verse. Okay?
There was an old man
called Sandra Finnegan ♪
- Fish hook, you bastard.
- (grunts)
Hey, hey, they're banned!
- (gagging)
- Oh, no, he's gettin' a boner.
FRANK: Help, Doofus, please.
(gagging)
I'm sorry,
you're so beautiful.
Fuckin' Oh, no, you're not!
- (screaming)
- (groaning)
(screaming)
Why does he have a boner?
(screaming)
- I'll tell him to move on, okay?
- Okay.
Get your Duke Governs EPs!
Two for a fiver!
Hey. Look.
I'm sorry.
I want you to go. Okay?
Okay.
Ah! I'm with PB now,
all right?
And he treats me well.
He's a doctor.
He doesn't even
ask about anal.
Unless he's had a beer,
and even then
he doesn't push it.
Tell him you have to push it.
Otherwise, it doesn't go in.
(grunts)
(car horn honks)
(sighs)
Thanks for the lift.
My taxi account's
been suspended.
How'd it go?
Yeah, okay, I think.
Mam, why does everything
turn out shit for me?
Is it because I'm
God's lonely man?
It's because you're
a prick, Frank.
Oh.
You have to learn to think of
other people's feelings.
Oh, okay.
- Mary.
- Fuck.
Don't move.
Mary. My mother always told me
I need to be braver in love.
Now that she's gone,
I realize she was right.
So here goes.
Mary Marron.
Would you like to meet me
for a drink sometime?
You gonna answer him?
I don't think so.
(car starts)
No.
Mary. Mary!
Mary!
Mary!
FRANK: Hey. You ever seen
the film "Taxi Driver"?
MARY: Course I have.
Great movie.
BOTH: "You never had
no pussy like that."
♪♪