Frasier (2023) s01e01 Episode Script

1
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Frasier!
Corny!
[LAUGHING] Welcome back to Boston.
My God, you haven't aged a day.
And you
Well, thanks for coming to pick me up.
My pleasure.
How was your father's funeral?
Emotional, but it was a good sendoff.
He'll be missed.
- Of course. My condolences.
- Thank you.
Weren't you traveling with your
nephew? Niles and Daphne's son?
Yes, yes, he should be along any minute.
Sorry for the delay, Uncle Frasier.
I took a sleeping pill
on the flight for my anxiety
and I had to balance it out
with three shots of espresso.
So, I am feeling
amazing, I am feeling so good.
David, I'd like you
to meet Alan Cornwall.
Alan, meet my nephew David.
Alan is an old pal of mine
from my Oxford days
and the professor who wrote
your recommendation to Harvard.
Well met, David.
How have your first few weeks
at school been?
A little rocky, to be honest.
Well, chin up.
You can't be doing any worse
than this one poor kid
in my Intro to Psych class.
On day one, in front of 300 students,
he runs in late, trips,
spills coffee all down his white shirt,
and then he loses a shoe
that we still haven't found.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, look. Look at this dolt.
So, lots of changes in your life.
Still can't believe how
big TV personality
Frasier Crane walks away
from his talk show.
It was time. I told them,
"Get off your knees, stop begging,
I'm already out the door."
- And things with Charlotte?
- She told me the same thing.
But it was for the best.
After 20 years in Chicago,
it was time for George Bailey
to get that old bag
out of the closet and see the world.
- Ah.
- Ubp, ubp, ubp.
Let me, Uncle.
[GRUNTS]
Sorry.
[GRUNTING]
Here.
[GRUNTING]
Oh!
I don't have the heart to tell
him that's not my luggage.
Oh, gosh, I could sure use a breve latte
before we hit the road.
- Excuse me? Frasier Crane?
- Yes?
Sir, I know it's exciting to see
a celebrity like my uncle,
but I beg you for a little privacy.
He just had a very exhausting trip.
Look how haggard he is.
Don't worry, I have an eidetic memory.
So you tell me your address,
and I'll make sure you get
an autographed photo.
I don't know either of you.
He dropped his wallet
and I saw the license.
Oh, good Lord. Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
- Sorry about that, Uncle.
- Oh, forget it.
I can't. Eidetic memory.
I'll get the coffee.
He's fun.
[LAUGHS]
I'm so pleased you finally agreed
to come and guest lecture my class.
Oh, it was my pleasure.
Plus, I wanted to stop in
and check on my son.
Well, didn't you just
see Freddy in Seattle?
Ugh, you Americans and
your ghastly attachments
to your children.
No, no, he didn't make it
to the funeral.
Some sort of a work emergency.
And how are things between you two?
I remember how tense it was
when he dropped out of Harvard.
All these years later,
I still don't get it.
But he's forging his own path
and I support that.
And I believe you.
Now, look, now we're both liars.
Come on.
Oh, thank you.
[KNOCKING]
Hey, can I help you?
Freddy! Surprise!
Dad. You're at my door.
Unannounced.
You know, there's a shorter
way to say that.
"Surprise!"
[CHUCKLING]
I'm in town for a guest lecture,
I wanted to say hello.
Oh, great.
Hello.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
Okay.
Yes, thank you, I'd love to come in.
So
Your place is so
Damn, when I started that sentence
I thought I'd think of something.
Yeah, sorry. The Picasso's
getting reframed
and the whole second floor's
in the shop.
You know, you have your mother's
sense of humor, Frederick.
[CHUCKLING]
No, no, it's-it's charming,
it reminds me of the sort
of place one would
wrestle a cartoon rat
for a crust of bread.
There it is.
Your subtle reminder I'd make more money
if I wasn't just a firefighter.
No, no, I admire what you do.
It's a noble profession,
it's just that
you did so well in
your psych classes at Harvard.
Right, but I wanted
to do something important.
What I do is important.
It's at least as important
as what you do.
Okay, sure, let's find someone
who has low self-esteem
and is also on fire,
and see which one of us
they run to first.
[LAUGHS] There's that mother
of yours again.
Sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
We missed you at the funeral.
And, um
I brought you something.
I think your grandfather
would've wanted you to have it.
Oh, cool. Thanks.
I'll open it later.
Later? Well, I know he's not
waiting for a thank-you note, but still.
Freddy, can you turn down
your dad's TV show, it's r
Oh! It's a live show.
Wow. Hi.
I don't need to be told who you are.
I wish I could say the same.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm Eve.
I'm sure Freddy's told you all about me.
I have a funny anecdote
about that: no, he has not.
Didn't know you had a girlfriend,
let alone one who'd moved in with you.
- Oh, we
- We've been caught up
in the, you know, whirlwind romance.
You know how that is.
Anyway, Dad, so good to see you.
What? Well, hold on,
why don't I get you guys
a cup of coffee or something,
or even dinner? I mean,
we've got a lot to catch up on.
Oh, sure, yeah, let's see.
Uh, I got a new pair of sneakers,
hit a triple in softball,
and I realized I just don't get jazz.
Anyway, now you're all caught up.
Freddy. I'm leaving for Paris tomorrow.
Can't you just spare me half an hour?
Dad, I wish I could.
But Eve's got a double shift,
I got a crazy week at work
How do you know? Are they
scheduling the fires in advance now?
Dad, it's just
It's just not a good time.
All right, well
I'll see you next time.
[FREDDY SIGHS]
You know, I am still not used to you
calling me your girlfriend.
Do you know why?
- Because you're not my girlfriend?
- Because I'm not your girlfriend.
I'm sorry for roping you in like that,
it's just I didn't feel like explaining
our whole situation to my dad, he
And I-I love the guy,
but he can be kind of
Ugh!
So, he doesn't know about John?
He does not know about John.
Thank God I got him
out of here fast enough.
He smelled really good, though.
Yeah, he always smells really good.
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you. Gosh, that was exhilarating.
That was great, Uncle Frasier.
That's right. Uncle Frasier.
He's my uncle.
He's right, you know.
I've rarely seen these students
so engaged.
Then again, I've rarely
seen these students.
I really should
pop into class more often.
- Oh, no.
- What? What? Who's that?
It's our department head Olivia Finch.
Brilliant scholar,
but an absolute terror.
Cold. Disengaged. Narcissistic.
She's called me all those things.
She sounds dreadful.
Dr. Crane, you are a true legend.
And yet there's something
about her I just like.
- Olivia Finch.
- Hello.
Mm, if I may be so bold,
I'd like to skip straight to the point.
Every morning, I wake up and I think,
"How can I make this department better?"
And since I can't fire Alan
Tenure!
the next best thing would be to
have you teach here permanently.
Wow, uh, uh
That is a tempting offer
- So it's a yes!
- But I have plans in Paris.
- So it's a maybe.
- I leave in the morning.
So it's a soft maybe.
You see, I-I'm starting
research on my next book,
The Lost Manuscripts of Marivaux.
- [GASPS] Marivaux?
- Mm.
You know, if you're interested
in obscure Europeans
who haven't been published in 300 years,
you should just stay here
and study Alan.
I'm not going to stand here
and let you insult me.
I insist you do it over drinks.
- To the bar?
- Don't you have a class right now?
Probably.
Tenure.
What is it about the city of Boston
that leads me to forego the
more sophisticated temptation
of the fermented grape?
Sitting here, with a cold
brew in my hand,
I feel amalgamated
with the hoi polloi.
You are the classic everyman.
[CHUCKLING]
How does it feel being back in Boston?
Mixed emotions, honestly.
I'm not sure I was ever
my best self here.
I may have spent
a little too much time
at a certain bar.
- Dr. Crane?
- Hmm?
I was in your lecture.
It was life-changing.
I was going to be a dance major,
but now I'm switching to pre-med
to be a psychiatrist.
Well, I thank you.
And I'm certain your parents
will thank me.
[CHUCKLING]
Apologies, Frasier.
The worst thing about teaching
are the students.
No, no, that was lovely, I
Why is it I am able to connect
with all those young people,
yet it's impossible with my own son?
Oh, what's going on with your son?
Well, I wish I knew.
He missed his grandfather's funeral,
he's got a girlfriend
I've never even heard of,
and when I told him I wanted to
spend more time with him, he said no.
Have you considered that he hates you?
You mustn't give up.
As they say, a no is just
a yes in a trench coat.
Who says that?
It's an American thing.
All I'm trying to say is
you cannot take no for an answer.
The door is never firmly shut.
You will connect with your son,
and I will get you to teach at Harvard.
I'm not teaching at Harvard.
I'm getting on a plane tomorrow.
[CHUCKLES] We'll see.
You know, from the wreckage
of your logic,
I am pulling a thread of wisdom.
I could buy a couple of steaks,
a bottle of Scotch,
stop by, and we'll hash things out.
He'll be alone.
C'est l'occasion parfait
pour un tête-à-tête.
Another brewski for the everyman.
I'll get it.
My God, he'd be such an asset
to our department.
He would draw more students,
which would mean more funding,
which would set me
on track to being provost
one year younger than my sister
became provost at Yale!
[LAUGHS]
My God, you're tightly wound,
aren't you?
When was the last time
you had a date?
Some of us care about our careers, Alan.
- So it's been?
- Men are afraid of smart women.
It would be nice to have my
old friend back in town, though.
But he's leaving tomorrow
and tonight he's having
dinner with his son.
Damn it, why do family
always get in the way
of the important things in life?
- Here we are.
- Mm.
Well, what happened to the beers?
Sherry saw me.
I can't say no to her.
[LAUGHS]
Cheers.
This is bad sherry.
-
- [KNOCKING]
Freddy, tonight I am cooking you
a five-star meal,
and I won't take no for an answer.
Would you take "not now"?
Please, I miss you. I'd like
to spend some time with you.
You know, I have a Kagoshima A5,
decadently marbled,
bursting with umami
in a retronasal symphony.
Steaks. I have steaks.
Damn it, I love steaks.
Sure, come on in.
Great. A one-on-one dinner with my son.
Hey, fam!
David, what are you doing here?
I thought it'd be a fun surprise.
David, you can't just barge
in here unexpectedly.
It's incredibly thoughtful of you.
So, this is your place.
So cool.
You ever kiss a girl in here?
FRASIER: Uh, David,
do you think Freddy and I
could just have an evening alone?
I-I, we really need a deep dive
into our relationship.
Or we could stay in
the shallows, with David.
Welcome, cuz.
"Cuz"? You gave me a nickname?
It's happening, David.
Be cool.
Well, dinner for three, then.
Room for two more?
Oh, for the love of God!
Well, we thought we'd help you cook
so you could have
more time with your son.
Oh, that is
Actually, that's quite helpful.
Thank you.
And if it comes up organically,
we can chat about how Harvard professors
have access to the world's
preeminent research library.
You also get a T.A.
I use mine to walk my cat.
Good God, Macallan 25?
This can cost thousands a bottle.
I can't let you waste it on
people who won't appreciate it.
No, no, come on, come on.
I know a lovely little bridge
we can drink this under.
Freddy, you remember Alan,
of course, and this is Olivia.
They're going to help us
with dinner this evening.
- Hi.
- Freddy.
You're a firefighter.
Where do I buy the calendar? [LAUGHS]
I heard about your grandfather.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Not exactly the evening I'd envisioned,
but I promise you this,
no more unexpected guests.
Hey, guys.
Okay, that one's not mine.
Eve. You're home earlier
than we expected you to be.
Dad, will just give me one second?
[DOOR CLOSES]
I don't get it.
Why is Frederick acting so strangely?
Maybe I can help you, Uncle Frasier.
Be the Watson to your Sherlock.
[CHUCKLES]
That's very kind of you, David.
You know, you remind me of your mother.
Perpetually optimistic.
Always seeing the
Do you have to put in eye drops
right as we're having a nice moment?
You can't tell me it's
not Sahara dry in here.
Now you remind me of your father.
I know, I'm sorry, this is weird,
but would you please keep
pretending to be my girlfriend?
So, I'm just supposed to lie
about who I am all night?
Look, I know it's a lot to ask
No, I love it.
As an actor, creating
characters is what I do.
Ooh, maybe I gives myself an accent.
No. Let's Let's just otherwise
stick to the truth.
- You're a waitress.
- But we're dating.
- Right.
- Got it.
So, what do we do about John?
FREDDY: Right, the baby.
Uh, he can't just hang out on the stoop?
He can't just hang out on the stoop!
Come, Watson. The game's afoot.
Let us canvass the area for clues.
To Ah.
[SNAPS FINGERS] What's this?
A bedsheet?
On a couch?
Did they have a fight?
Is there trouble in paradise?
Uncle Frasier, look.
Cheerios!
Not only is he sleeping on the couch,
he's also eating dry cereal
like some sort of an infant.
See, David, this is why we
can't let a single detail
escape our notice.
Observe, if you will, the linear
pattern of these Cheerios.
OLIVIA: Dr. Crane?
Does anyone have any food allergies?
Oh, do I?
Here, I have a laminated card.
The ones in red are fatal.
Eve, any allergies?
No.
That girl out there,
Freddy's girlfriend.
There's something about her.
[SCOFFS] She doesn't seem
all that special to me.
No, I mean she looks familiar.
- Was she in one of your classes?
- Possible.
Doesn't explain why she looks familiar.
Can we focus for just a moment?
We are here tonight for one
reason and one reason only.
To drink the Macallan 25.
To convince Dr. Crane
to teach at Harvard.
Finally, Freddy, we have
a chance to talk a bit.
Dr. Crane? Could you join us
in the kitchen please?
I have a question about the steaks.
Excuse me.
What about the steaks?
They could not be higher.
With your help, we could turn
the Harvard Psyche Department
into the Harvard of psyche departments.
We are not having this discussion.
Please just help me with the dinner.
Mm.
Oh, Freddy, finally we have a chance
We know you've been eating
breakfast on the floor!
What we don't know is why!
David, perhaps you could be
of some help in the kitchen.
[CHUCKLING]: Thank you.
So, Freddy
Dr. Cornwall said no.
[CHUCKLING]
That British wit.
[CHUCKLING]
[THUDDING]
[THUDDING CONTINUES]
[THUDDING STOPS]
All right, great.
Say, how about some Macallan?
Not right now, thanks.
Eve, why don't you tell me
about yourself.
What do you do for a living?
Uh, I'm a private investigator.
Oh, my. That sounds fascinating.
Do you specialize
in any particular area?
Heartbreak.
There's 10,000 tales in this city,
and I've heard 'em all.
This one skirt knocked on my door.
She had six-inch heels
and a four-inch scar
You know what? Drinking sounds great.
- Where's that Macallan?
- Oh, thank you, Alan.
Oh, too much?
Not enough?
I have a fake gun
in the bedroom if we need it.
W-What? No. What?
What we need is to speed this up.
John can wake up any second.
Dad, ugh, I think we're gonna
have to cut this short.
Eve was just telling me
she doesn't feel very well.
[COUGHS]
See? She sounds terrible.
I mean, I think we should
call it a night.
- But we haven't eaten yet.
- Just opened the Macallan.
I'm gonna check on the baby.
Dad, I'll be, uh, I'll be right back.
I'm no stranger to an
underperforming dinner party.
But I had high hopes.
I know something's going on.
I just wish Freddy and I
were close enough
that he would trust me.
I, uh
guess that's just the way things are
between fathers and sons.
I'll tell them to wrap things
up in the kitchen.
We'll be on our way soon.
- Dr. Crane, uh
- Yes?
Freddy wouldn't want me
to tell you this, but
you have raised one heck of a son.
He's smart and strong and brave.
He's always been there for us.
Would you excuse me a moment?
Eve said "us."
She said "Freddy's always
been there for us."
What do you suppose that means?
Eve! Yes, that's her name.
I thought I knew that girl.
She works down at the bar.
- She does?
- Indeed, yeah.
I believe she's also just
had a baby with some fireman.
Oh.
Oh
They have a child.
Freddy must have gotten in
over his head,
and he was too ashamed to tell me.
That's why he wants to get rid of me.
I'm I'm a grandfather.
[CHUCKLES] I always wanted
to be a grandfather. Gosh
Why wouldn't he just tell me the truth?
Mm. Maybe you should just talk to him.
Maybe. Or
I could let them twist in
the wind with their little lie.
Possibly provide a few gusts of my own
to further entangle them
in their deception.
And when they're finally
dripping in deceit,
I'll pounce!
- That's your plan?
- It's a great plan.
He's starting to wake up.
So, tell me, you two
now that you're living together
any thoughts about progeny?
- The band?
- Kids?
I don't think we're
ready for kids just yet, Dad.
You're both in your 30s.
Clock's ticking.
Ticktock.
I'm 28, but thanks for that.
Ah, 28.
[CHUCKLES]
That's awfully young
for a private investigator.
Well, perhaps you could
help me solve a case.
The case of the baby who wasn't there.
Or was he?
It might be a she.
Dad
I demand to see my grandchild.
Whoa, okay. Uh, "grandchild"?
Uh, look, Dad, no one is hiding
a grandchild from you.
Okay, a-and I resent that accusation.
[JOHN CRYING]
Dad, I've decided to tell you something.
Mm.
So it's true.
You wanted me out of your life so badly
you didn't want to tell me
about your girlfriend
or your child.
No. That's not it, at all.
Eve's not my girlfriend,
she's my roommate.
Yes!
[COUGHING]
And the baby's hers, not mine.
And we're just living
together to save money.
The life of a P.I. might
sound glamorous, but the harsh
Eve.
Why didn't you just tell me the truth?
If you're short of cash, I could
just give you some money.
Here we go.
And, also, what did you expect
dropping out of Harvard?
This is why I didn't tell you.
Because I knew you'd just judge me
and tell me how I should be
living my life.
And I've had enough of that.
A toast to the new baby.
What the hell's going on?
Why are you suddenly
blocking me out of your life?
Why are you suddenly
trying to be a part of my life?
What is that supposed to mean?
Means we haven't been close
in a long time, Dad.
Let's just accept that.
I'm never gonna be the person
that you wanted me to be,
and you're never gonna understand
why I don't want to be that person.
We just
We have different values.
Boy
that much is certain.
What's that supposed to mean?
You missed your grandfather's funeral.
[SIGHS]
He had everything planned
to the last detail.
And you missed it!
The police send-off.
Daphne's toast.
Bulldog's "Ave Maria."
What possible excuse can you have
for not being there with your family?
I don't have one.
I-I was about to get on the plane
and then I was thinking
about Grandpa and I
and I just couldn't do it.
[SIGHS]
You remember when my buddy
died in a fire downtown?
Yes, of course. Horrible.
Yeah, well, we were more
like brothers t-than friends
and I was friends with
his girlfriend, too, and
they were about to have a kid.
Eve and her baby.
I was just so angry.
You know, why him and not me?
He has a family and
I know, it's
textbook survivor guilt, but I, uh
I was in a bad place.
Well, why didn't you reach out to me?
I've always told you, you can
call and talk to me anytime.
Grandpa got on a plane.
He flew out to see me and we
We talked about some friends
that he'd lost on the force
and how he'd gotten
through it, and I just
I didn't feel alone anymore.
You felt alone.
You know, why don't we open that gift.
"This flag was flown
over the state capitol
"in honor of Detective Martin Crane
"for his service to the nation
and his beloved city of Seattle."
I'm gonna miss him.
Me, too.
He was a hell of a guy.
- Tough act to follow.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
If there's anything I've ever
wanted to be in life,
more than anything else,
it's to be a good father.
Sorry I let you down.
I promise I'll do better.
Thanks, Dad.
[KNOCKING]
Hey. What's with the champagne?
We are celebrating.
I've taken a job at Harvard
and I found a place to live.
- Amazing. Good for you.
- Oh, so you're actually staying?
That's terrific.
And even better,
it's not too far from here.
- Wow, really?
- Even more terrific.
Yes, yes. Come on, it's
a short walk, I'll show you.
We can toast my new apartment.
Now, let me see.
Got to get this right. We
step out the door,
there's a short walk, yes,
and here we are.
Come on in. Furniture's on the way.
Not bad, eh?
You're renting the apartment
next to mine?
Renting? No, no, I bought
the whole building.
What? How?
With money, Frederick,
lots and lots of money.
Okay, uh, I'm starting to have
some serious doubts about this.
I understand, I understand,
but this will be good.
For the both of us.
I-I don't know
That's the spirit.
And I don't want a silly hallway
separating us,
that's why Eve and John are
going to live in that apartment
and you are going to live
in this one with me.
- What?
- I kind of love the way things are.
No, I-I don't think so.
If you both agree to this arrangement,
you can live here rent-free.
- You have a deal, we both agree.
- Still a no.
Come on, let's look around.
We don't agree.
We don't agree!
It all works out.
["TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS" PLAYING]
FRASIER: Y'all know how this goes.
Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-callin' ♪
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪
And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
[CHUCKLES]
But I don't know what to do ♪
With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
Life's callin' again ♪
Beantown, we do love you madly ♪
Good night, Boston!