Freaks and Geeks s01e01 Episode Script

1 Come on, ladies! Let's see some hustle.
Uh, excuse me.
Is our little practice bothering you? Get out there! All right, let's work! Let's scrimmage.
Come on! You seem so distant these days, Brett.
Is there something I did? 'Cause if there is, I want you to tell me.
Ashley, it's just‒ I mean, I'm ready to work through whatever it is that we need to work through.
But we need to communicate.
I need you to talk to me.
Ashley, it's just that I love you so much It scares me.
Oh, man, you wanna hear something way messed up? You know that Molly Hatchet shirt I was wearing the other day? You know, the one with the executioner guy holding that bloody ax and under his foot's the severed head? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
That's my shirt.
Yeah, so My mom, she makes us go to church every week, and we gotta dress up.
And so I get there, and the stupid priest says I can't come in.
You can't wear stuff like that at church, man.
Why not, man? It's church.
They're supposed to forgive people there.
So you hate my shirt.
Forgive me, let me come in.
Hey, I believe in God, man.
I've seen him.
I've felt his power.
He plays drums for Led zeppelin, and his name is John Bonham, baby! Nah, nah, nah.
Here we go, here we go.
Hey, Lisa! Here's those noogies you ordered.
He's a real Cinderella story.
Eh, former greenskeeper.
Oh! He got all of that one! It's in the hole! It's in the hole! Sam Weir.
You really like Bill Murray, don't you? Yeah.
He's great.
Bill Murray sucks, man.
No, he doesn't.
He's cool.
Oh, really? What is he, your boyfriend? Sam Queer.
It's fightin' time, Weird.
Leave me alone, Alan.
I'm sorry.
I don't speak geek.
I always wanted to know what it'd be like to fight a girl.
I'm a girl.
Wanna see what it'd be like to fight me? Weir's sister has to protect him? I'm not protecting him, just trying to figure out why it is you need to pick fights with guys who weigh less than 100 pounds.
Watch out, Alan, I think she's high on pot.
Yeah, I might just go psycho on you.
You wanna try me? You're dead, all right? As soon as your freak sister isn't around, I'm gonna cream you, man.
You know, you really didn't need to do that.
- I could've handled it.
- Yeah.
I know.
And by the way, I weigh 103 pounds.
Sorry.
Man, I hate high school.
You know, I ran into Mrs.
Patton today at Farmer Jack, and she said she saw you smoking.
Well, she's crazy.
Mom I can't believe you.
Do you seriously think I would start smoking? Okay.
I You know, I had a friend that used to smoke.
You know what he's doing now? He's dead.
Now you think smoking makes you look cool? Lets go dig him up now and see how cool he looks.
Daddy, if I started smoking, I would tell you.
Oh, good.
Now I don't have to worry.
Hey, Dad, guess what.
They're showing "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" at Parkway Saturday night.
Neal, Bill, and I are gonna watch it twice in a row.
Great.
Sam, isn't the homecoming dance Saturday night? Yeah.
Are you going? No.
Why would I do that? - Well, your sister's going.
- No, I'm not.
All right, kids, high school is for learning, but it's also where you should be learning how to socialize.
That's what high school dances are all about.
No, they're not.
They're just a chance for the popular kids to experiment with sex in their cars.
- Lindsay! - Hey! I mean, if that's what you want me to do, then I'd be happy to go.
You know, there was a girl in our school She had premarital sex.
You know what she did on graduation day? Died.
Of an overdose.
Heroin.
Dad, are any of your friends alive? The smart ones.
I'm sure there are plenty of kids who are just dying for someone to ask them.
Mom, that's the stupidest thing I ever heard.
Honey, it's stupid until you consider how happy it will make somebody who really wants to go.
But nobody I know wants to go.
- Lindsay.
- Dad.
- Honey.
- Great.
No, that works out perfect.
I'm having a midnight madness deer hunting sale that night, and you can come wait on all those nice hunters.
The choice is yours.
Thanks, Carla.
Hey, Eli, I think Tom needs a hug.
My buddy.
My buddy! My buddy! Okay.
Okay.
You're such a jerk, man.
What? Eli likes you.
Congratulations.
- Hey, Mr.
K.
- Mr.
Schweeber.
It's "Schweiber.
" Ah, Mr.
Bones, Mr.
Spock, may I join you here in the Enterprise mess hall? I'm so hungry I could eat a tribble.
II don't get it.
Who's that? John Wayne.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Why does my mom always put a note in my lunch? It's so embarrassing.
At least your mom doesn't write the note on the bag.
Are you guys going to the homecoming dance? No.
I really don't see that happening.
Oh, I'm sorry.
did I crush your twinkies? Hey, what did you do that for? What are you gonna do, go crying to your sister, Sam Rear? No.
No, I'm not.
Mr.
Kowchevski, Alan smashed my twinkies! Oh, my god, you're such a woman.
Alan, you don't have anything better to do than to crush Mr.
Weir's dessert? Oh, well, you know, I was just bending down to talk to him, and I accidentally leaned on it.
I'm sorry.
Why don't you go do the nice thing and buy him some new ones? Oh, yes, sir.
Thank you, Mr.
Kowchevski.
Sam, you want some advice? Be a man.
You shouldn't let Alan do that to you.
I don't see you doing anything! My dad tells me to stay out of fights that don't affect me directly.
You know, it would sure be nice if you guys backed me up once in a while.
You know, my sister does, and she's a girl.
Yeah, yeah, but if we back you up, than Alan's gonna terrorize us, too.
Listen, you guys have gotta help me, or else he's never gonna leave me alone.
- Ahh.
- Hey, Daniel.
Hey, Lindsay.
What's up? Where you been? I been just around.
Come on, let's hit the patio.
Oh, the smoking patio.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
It's all right.
They don't bite.
Okay.
Ow! Don't touch me, you scuzz.
I'm sorry.
Your butt was calling to me.
Hey, Nicholas, you get those M-80s? Hell no, man.
You got the money? You guys know Lindsay? Hi.
You were in my English class last year, right? You're that chick who got an "A.
" Yeah, well What are you gonna do? I don't know.
What are you gonna do? So, you guys going to the homecoming dance? I beg your pardon? That's funny.
It's a joke, right? My dad's kinda making me go.
Your dad's making you go to the dance? Man, what's that all about? Who's your dad, Hitler? I just thought maybe, you know, you guys were gonna go to make fun of people.
I mean, that could be kinda funny, right? I would go, but I have a prior engagement.
My cousin just sent me a bunch of mushrooms, and I'm gonna eat them.
Look, I mean, you know they're gonna play disco, right? Disco sucks.
I hate disco.
Ooh-ooh Coo-coo coo Coo-coo coo I'd rather make out with Principal Farber, you know? Ooh, again? Shut up, man.
Ow.
What, what? Oh! My god, man.
Oh! I can't wait till you're not paying attention.
Get outta here! Check it out.
What's she want? Lindsay? - Linds! - Friend of yours Linds? I'll be right back, okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
Millie, what are you doing out here? What are you doing out here? This place is for freaks.
Millie, go away.
Today's the deadline to enter the academic decathlon.
Mr.
Rosso said you didn't turn in your application.
What? Millie, I'm not entering.
But you're our best Math-lete.
Could we not talk about this right now? Lindsay, what's wrong with you? There's nothing wrong with me.
I just don't want to do decathlon this year.
Well, aren't you at least going to help us serve refreshments at the homecoming dance? We're trying to raise money to buy the school a computer! Shh! Gentlemen, here's my advice.
Listen to Neal.
You should handle Alan the same way Han Solo dealt with Jabba the Hutt.
Avoid him.
Just avoid him forever? Just for four years.
Sam, there's Cindy Sanders.
Dream on, Sam.
- Oh, man.
- Uh-oh, incoming.
Hey, Sam, I've been looking all over for you.
Is this your jacket? Yeah.
Yeah, you left it in science so I didn't want it to get all dirty.
Oh, thanks, Cindy.
That was really nice of you.
Yeah, well, I'll see you later.
Sam.
You are so in.
What? She brought you your jacket.
That means she saw it, she remembered it was yours, she picked it up and carried it through the halls.
People probably saw her with it and everything.
I wonder if she has a date for the dance.
Cindy Sanders is in love with you, man.
You really think Cindy likes me? Hello? The jacket.
No way.
We're not her species.
Listen, just do me a favor.
Ask around, see if she has a date for the dance.
Who should I ask? Okay, the dance is tomorrow.
She's a cheerleader.
You've seen "Star Wars" 27 times.
Do the math.
I know, I know, but my dad always tells me that the prettiest girls usually don't get asked out 'cause guys are too afraid to ask them.
Really? Maybe I should ask out Farrah Fawcett-Majors.
Hey, maybe I should ask out Bill's mom.
You better not.
Listen, just ask around, okay? Don't even think about it.
Get outta the way.
Hey! - Chemistry exam you ordered.
- All right, good job.
Where are the answers? You just said to steal the test.
Oh, good work, genius.
Way to use your brain.
What? I'm cutting.
Who's got gum? Sorry.
Oh, yeah, that's real great.
You know, why don't you blow your nose in some bread and make me a sandwich, too? Why is everyone crawling up my butt today? 'Cause you're a moron.
Hey, Kim, I got some.
What's she doing here? 'Cause she's our friend.
What, are you doing her so that she'll help you with your math homework? Hey, lay off.
Um, Kim, I‒ I wasn't talking to you, brain.
Don't you have a test to take or something? Hey, would you be cool? I mean, please.
Did I do something to you? You're here.
Kim.
I have as much right to be here as you do.
Hey, brain, I shoplift in your daddy's store.
You're just some rich kid who's trying to piss off her parents.
You think you can hang with these guys? You think that's gonna make you cool? I don't know what to tell you.
You know what? I'm sorry.
Let's be friends.
Hey.
There.
Now we're friends.
See you at the mall.
What are you, on your period? Hey, if you wanna hang around with your little poser friend here and pretend with her, then that's your waste of time, just keep her the hell away from me.
That is exactly why I don't carry a purse.
I gotta‒ I gotta get to shop class.
It's the only one I can pass.
Here.
I'm sorry.
Don't you have to get to class, too? Oh, I'll survive.
These shorts aren't very flattering, are they? No, you look good.
Thanks.
Hey, how come your sister is dressing so weird now? What do you mean? I don't know, I mean, she's been wearing your dad's army jacket.
I don't know.
She's been acting weird ever since our grandma died.
You're dead Weird! Alan? What? What's the point of all this? Point? The point is, you're dead too.
"Little man".
I kinda wish I didn't come to school today.
Hi, would you, uh, would you go to the homecoming dance with me? Um, I would, but, um, I already have a date, so I can't.
Sorry.
Will you go to homecoming dance with me? - Eli.
- What? There's a bee on your book.
- Where? - Oh, I'll get it.
What's the matter with you? Jerk.
I'm sorry.
Didn't mean to upset your husband.
Oh, yeah? What if he was my husband? That'd be some kind of joke to you? It's no joke to me.
I think you two make a good couple.
Yeah? Maybe we do.
Hey, Eli.
Do you want to go to the homecoming dance with me? Yes! Yes, I do! Yeah, please.
Yeah, I will go.
- Good.
- Yeah.
Come on, Eli.
All right, fellas, I just wanna let you know that in honor of the big homecoming game tomorrow, I'm gonna give you guys the day off.
Can we go home? Schweiber, don't be an idiot, all right? I mean, we're gonna do something fun.
I'm gonna let you guys Play dodge ball.
Yeah! Oh, man.
Oh, no.
Oh, my god! All right, come on, guys.
Let's go.
Would somebody please tell me what's supposed to be fun about this? If we just let ourselves get hit, then we can sit down.
Aah! Aah! Let's just pretend to get hit.
Nobody'd know.
I don't think we can.
Ladies, put down the mascara and get in there and play.
Come on.
Very nice.
I can't take it, man.
I gotta get out of here.
Hey look! Little man's making a run for it.
Hey, only my mom's allowed to call me that.
Uh! Ahh! Ow.
Oh! Okay, now it's time to smear Weir.
Sam! Get away from me! We need to stick together.
Are you crazy? Hey kid! Aah! - Oh! - Yeah! Oh, my god! - Yeah! - Hey! Solomon.
Hey, hey, hey.
That's illegal.
You're out of there.
What? All right, Schweiber.
Come on, walk it off.
Sit down, you knucklehead.
There's nowhere to hide, Weird.
Kid, get away from us.
That psycho's after you.
Pick 'em up and throw 'em! That's the way.
Nice throw, wuss.
He caught my ball! I'm out! Yeah! Ohh! Ah! Go, Sam, go! Oof! Oh, my god! All right, White, take a seat.
Come on, Weir, throw it back.
Catch it, come on.
Oh, bup bup bup.
Dodge ball's kind of a stupid game, isn't it? You just signed your death warrant.
Man, that chick digs you, I'm telling you.
- She likes me? - Yes! That's really great.
- Hey, so, Eli.
- What? That Jimmy Carter, he's some president, right? Yeah, he's been doing a hell of a job.
Oh, he's doing a hell of a job.
Hey, but I gotta say, I'm a little concerned about his handling of the economy, aren't you? I'm a little concerned.
Maybe.
Maybe I'm a little‒ I'm a little concerned.
Come on.
Come on, Eli.
Give him a break.
I mean, look what he's done in the Middle East.
- The Middle East.
- Yes.
The middle the middle of the East.
I bet you'd make a good president, Eli.
- President Eli? - Yeah.
- Okay, president Eli! - Oh, man.
President Eli! Hey, you guys, cut it out.
Leave him alone.
What? We've having a political discussion here.
What? We're political.
Eli, you don't have to talk to them.
They're just being mean.
No, but they're my buddies.
- They're my buddies.
- We're his buddies! Ain't that right, Mr.
President? No, they're not, Eli.
- I'm making them laugh, right? - It's true.
- I'm making - Yeah, not this way.
There's a good kind of laughing and a bad kind of laughing.
This is bad.
Eli, they're only laughing at you because you're retarded.
I'm not retarded.
I'm special.
- I'm special.
- Eli, you are special.
I'm sorry.
I know you're special.
They're being mean to you.
I'm not retarded.
Okay.
You're retarded! - I'm sorry! - No! No! I'm not retarded! I am special! I don't wanna go to the dance with you! No! Eli, please, I'm sorry.
Oh, my god.
And I'm the mean one? How does that work? So what's going on here? All I‒ I was trying to do something nice in this stupid school where nothing nice ever happens, but instead Eli broke his arm and Now I feel like the biggest idiot in the world.
No, why aren't you taking part in the academic decathlon? What? We need you.
You're our best Math-lete.
Oh, god, please don't say that word.
You havin' some problems at home? - No, I'm not.
- Is it a boy? No.
Hey, you can tell me.
I know it seems "square" to actually talk to your guidance counselor, but I was a kid once, too, and not that long ago.
Mr.
Rosso, there's nothing to tell.
Trust me.
Okay.
I see the problem here.
Let's just rap as people, okay? No pressure.
From now on, I'm not "Mr.
Rosso, guidance counselor.
" - You're not? - No.
I'm just Jeff, your friend who cares.
- Jeff? - Exactly.
And you're not "Ms.
Weir, high school student.
" You're Lindsay, a girl who seems like she needs a friend.
So, come on, Linds, talk to your buddy Jeff.
Jeff I've never felt better in all my life.
Well, then maybe someone should tell your face.
Ah, yes, interesting problem.
Freshman bullies.
He's obviously acting out his insecurities in a new environment.
If you can disconnect emotionally, it's really quite sad.
In his own way, he's reaching out for a friend.
Not that you should feel sorry for him, though.
His kind should be destroyed.
So what do we do? I would recommend the Cressman conundrum.
What the hell is that? Tom Cressman, my freshman tormentor.
The idea was, if you fight your bully, afterwards, whether you win or lose, they'll tend to leave you alone.
Did it work? He broke my tailbone, but the results were effective.
- He got expelled.
- It's a good plan.
It's a terrible plan, okay? I'm not fighting Alan.
He's not my tormentor.
I know every route he takes to each class, and I avoid those halls.
It's that simple.
Start leaving out the janitor's door like I do.
Are you lookin' for a fight, dork? No, sir.
Well, you're gonna get one! Uh Tell me about the stupid Cressman conundrum.
Hey, are you, uh‒ are you‒uh, are you okay? Is it just me or does the whole world suck? All right, after class, you and me are cuttin' outta here.
- Cutting? - Yeah.
Yeah! I got something to show you that‒ It's gonna make you feel better.
I guess the first thing that we gotta do is get him on the ground.
How are we supposed to do that? Cut his legs off? Should I wear a cup for this? That's between you and your god, Bill.
Hey, geek.
Gotta problem? Uh, no, I was I was just looking at a friend of mine.
Are you telling me that I look like a friend of yours? Hey Kim.
I think he likes you.
Is that true? Do you like me? Do you love me? I - I like you like a friend.
I don't think so.
I think you "like me" like me.
I think you wanna kiss me.
Do you wanna kiss me? I - I don't know.
Come on.
Just one little kiss.
I'll be your girlfriend.
In your dreams, geek.
Maybe we should get her to beat up Alan.
Go.
Go! Wait for me, man.
Be prepared to have your mind blown.
Check it out, man.
That's, uh, 14 mounted toms, 8 floor toms, 4 splashes, 2 gongs, 10 cowbells, 4 rides, 5 snares, man A roto-tom rack, and it's all mounted on my infamous quadruple kick drum system.
Six more pieces, I've got a bigger kit than Neil Peart from Rush.
Yeah! That's great, Nick.
Look, these teachers‒ these teachers want us to work, you know? And I say, "fine.
I'll work.
"But you've gotta let me do the kind of work that I wanna do.
" And for me, Lindsay, it's‒ it's my drum kit, man.
This is my passion, you know? This is‒this is the essence of who I am now.
But before I had this, I was lost, too.
You see what I'm sayin'? You need to find your reason for for living.
You gotta find your big, gigantic drum kit you know? Hey, maybe I'll buy a clarinet.
Yeah.
If you're not going to the dance, I thought you could come over to my house.
A bunch of guys who play guitar are gonna come over.
We're just, uh‒ I don't know.
We were gonna try to play, like, "Dark Side of the Moon" or somethin'.
Just tell your dad you went.
I can't lie to my dad.
Really? Yeah.
Okay.
Why don't you tell your dad that you got a date? No, listen, I'll put on a suit, all right? I'll come pick you up, talk nice to your dad, and then I'll take you to the school, and we can walk up to the door of the dance, and then we can take off.
That way you could tell your dad you went.
You wouldn't be lying.
You'd really do that? Absolutely.
Hello there! Hello, Jeff.
Guess who's in trouble.
Here's the deal: If you take part in the academic decathlon, I'll forget this ever happened.
You're forcing me to be a Math-lete? That is so not fair.
The world is not black and white.
It's gray.
And I really think it'd be good for you.
Jeff I really can't do that.
Fine, Ms.
Weir, then maybe it's time for some tough love.
How about I, uh, call your parents and I let them know that their daughter's turning into a burnout who skips class? - No! - And you know what? I can't make you be a Math-lete, but I can make you work the refreshment table at the homecoming dance.
I'll see you Saturday at 7:00.
You know who used to cut class? Jimi Hendrix.
You know what happened to him? He died, choking on his own vomit.
Daddy, I skipped Latin.
Oh, well, I can understand why you wouldn't want to learn about that.
It's only the building block of our language.
Well, I'm just glad your grandmother wasn't alive to hear about this.
You can't cut corners in life! You know who cut corners? Kennedy.
Kennedy cut corners when he was running the Bay of Pigs.
A lot of good men lost their lives because of it.
You know who else cut corners? - Janis Joplin.
- Dad! What are you talking about? You don't make any sense! I just cut class, and guess what.
Everybody's still alive.
Just leave me alone! You understand what I'm saying, don't you, Sam? - Yeah.
- Good.
Pass the rolls.
Um Can I come in? Do you think that me, Neal, and Bill could beat up Alan? Just Alan? Yeah.
Alan and his buddies? Mmm, "no" to "maybe.
" Yeah, that's what I thought.
Um, why are you throwing your life away? Did Dad tell you to ask me that? No, Millie did.
That figures.
Forget it.
You know, tell her to mind her own business.
You know, just because she asked me to ask you doesn't mean I was gonna tell her what you said.
Sam? Did Mom and Dad ever tell you that I was the only one with Grandma when she died? No.
Yeah.
They went down to the cafeteria to get some coffee And all of a sudden, Grandma looked so terrified.
I didn't know what to do.
She grabbed my hand and told me she didn't want to go.
She looked so scared, Sam.
So, I said, "well, you know, can you see God or heaven or a light or anything?" What did she say? "No.
There's nothing.
" She was a good person all her life, and that's what she got.
So You do think that we could beat up Alan? Yeah.
He's a goner.
Oh, man, where's Sam? It's almost 3:00.
Alan's gonna be here.
I'll bet he forgot his math book.
- I'm sure he's coming.
- All right.
Colin! You came to help us? No way.
I just came to watch.
It should be exciting.
Uh, because we're gonna win? Either way.
Oh, man, where's Sam? Sam.
Can't talk.
Gotta fight Alan.
Hi, Sam.
Oh, hi, Cindy.
Where's Sam? It's 3:00.
Oh, okay, so now, don't let Alan hit any of your pressure points cause if he does, you're not gonna feel anything, but you'll drop dead in three days.
Oh, man, my stomach hurts.
- Bill, you'll be fine.
- No, it really hurts.
I think I should go home.
This is how Houdini died.
Oh, you should always guard your face 'cause if the other guy hits you in the nose, it could drive the nose bone into your brain, and then you'll release your bowels and die.
- Shut up, would you? - No, he's right.
There are a lot of ways to die in a fight.
Maybe we should put this off.
Hey, there's Sam.
Sam! Sam! - Stop it.
- Sam! Stop it, you moron.
That's not Sam.
It's Alan.
What? So, um, what are you doin'? Oh, just goin' home.
How about you? I'm cheering at the game.
Oh.
Well you're dressed for it.
What are you losers doin' on my street? Nothing.
We're kind of here to beat you up.
- Bill! - Well, we are.
Are you? He's just‒ he's kidding.
I'm not talkin' to you, dork! What are you laughin' at, pinhead? - Oh, I'm just here to watch.
- Oh, really? Well, watch this.
Aah! You are so dead! Aah! Well, um, I gotta get out there.
I'll see ya.
All right.
See ya.
Hey, Cindy? Yeah? I was wondering, um Do, uh Ohh! You want a piece of me? I'll kill you! - Bring it on.
- Aah! Um Do you wanna go to the homecoming dance with me? Well, I'm already going with Dan Lewis.
He asked me two weeks ago.
Oh, okay.
I mean, yeah.
I just thought I would ask just in case you didn't have anyone to go with.
Well, um I gotta get out there, so I'll see ya.
Oh, if you're there, I'll save a dance for you.
Okay.
See ya.
That could be good.
Get off me, you psycho! Unh! Ah! You ripped my shirt.
You're gonna buy me a new shirt! You guys are all dead, man! Really dead! I got punched in the nose, but‒but I'm still alive.
I guess the nose bone must have missed my brain.
Yeah, my stomach doesn't hurt anymore.
Mine does.
Did you see me? I was taunting him.
He was terrified.
Did you see me? I had his arms.
Totally shut him down.
I had his shoes.
Wait a minute.
You you guys fought Alan? No, we got hit by a car.
Listen, I'm so sorry.
I was talking to Cindy.
You really stood up for me.
You should see how he looks.
- We tore his shirt.
- Yeah.
So what'd she say? She's got a date, but she's saving a dance for me.
So you're goin'.
Yeah.
You've gotta slow dance.
Yeah, definitely slow.
Thanks.
You know, I'll be there the next time.
Oh, god, I hope there's not a next time.
Look, uh, I know you're not happy about this, but don't make me the bad guy here.
If the worst thing in your life is somebody makes you go to a dance, then I'd say you have a pretty good life.
- Hi, Cindy.
- Hey, Sam.
I was wondering, um You said you'd save a dance for me, so can I have it now? I mean, if you're not busy.
I'm not busy.
Come on, Sam! What are you thinking about, Lindsay? I think I'm gonna dance with Eli.
I'll be right back, Jeff.
Uh, Linds? Maybe you should start calling me Mr.
Rosso again.
Now, that's the perfect couple.
I mean, they got some chemistry‒ow! - Shut up! - What did I do?