Free Agents (2011) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
Uh - Um - It's ok-- Sorry.
I was just wondering Uh I forgot how this works.
Is this part lights on or off? Whatever.
I'm sorry, but it's just How--how am I playing this? I mean, am I staying-- I'll call you a cab.
OhThank you.
Sure.
Wow, that's impressive.
In my limited experience, I never got past a three-pack, that's-- You're, like, making a statement over there.
I can buy bulk on the Internet? No, more like, "It's 2011, "and I'm an independent woman.
"I can buy hundreds of condoms.
Doesn't make me a slut.
" Heh.
Oh, is that what I was saying? - Well, I mean-- - Or was I saying, "It's 2010 I'm gonna buy condoms to have sex with my fiance"? With--with, um - Pete.
- Pete.
- Right.
- Yes.
And Pete and Pete and Pete and Pete.
I know, they're stupid.
But we had 'em done just before he died.
I'm What the hell? What are you thinking? I'm thinking it's my son's birthday next week, and I'm not gonna be with my kids.
Um I'm sorry.
I don't usually do this.
Hi, I need a cab.
Morning.
How you doing? Hey, hey, there you are.
Alex, a little constructive criticism-- You look like hell.
Yeah, thank you.
Uh, I was up kind of late last night.
Bit of a rough night, you know? Oh, I do know.
- What was her name, bro? - Who? Oh, n-no.
No, no, no, no.
What, you got some? Yes! Deets! "Details.
" Ink's not even dry on the divorce papers, and he is back on the horse! Ooh, can't wait to hear about this.
I--no, really.
There's nothing to tell.
I swear.
Good morning, P.
R.
professionals.
Alex, you look like hell.
He was up all night doing el nasty.
He was just about to tell us about it.
Well, this is a staff meeting at a capitalist enterprise, and as you may have read, time is money, so make it fast-- just the good parts.
Uh, I met a woman last night, and we had wild animal sex all night long, okay? Was that good for everyone? Yes, animal sex.
W-what kind of animals? Like panthers, okay? Can we have our meeting now? What about the body? Physical type, then a number between one and ten.
And did her underwear pieces match, - and did she move at all? - And, really, panthers? Apparently, we differ in our definition of "good parts.
" Just size and shape of breasts, straight to positions.
Okay, uh Boobs were round and enormous.
Positions-- what didn't we do? Really, the works.
Uh, normal, of course, dog style, cat style, uh, reverse crab-- That happened.
Uh, the penitent farmer Uh, uh, lazy bus driver, the turducken-- that was fun.
Oh, the Flying Dutchman, of course, and, really, that's the limit of my imagination, because, honestly, I was up late working.
Boo! Well, points for imagination, which we now turn to our client, Omdyne, whose "Live right" division has an unfortunate little problem with its image.
A salmonella outbreak at Rose Hill Elementary Completely disgusting.
So how do we spin this? Complete denial or blame someone else? If you'd wanted to try the reverse crab, you just had to ask.
Various jackasses called for you.
Laura called about parents' night.
Laura called again, same subject.
And Laura called.
Subject-- Well, you get it.
God, all right, would you please tell-- You do get executive assistant, right? As in not personal.
Not for your personal problems.
- I understand-- - Speaking of which, there's more of those.
Your lawyer called, twice.
And I think this is a person.
- "Sampat"? - Yeah, that's a person.
He's not done painting, so your new apartment won't be ready till the weekend.
Okay, Emma, can we, like, turn down the sass maybe one little notch today? It's not sass.
This is how it is.
Lions don't eat deer 'cause they're sassy.
It's called Darwinism.
And now I'm on the phone.
Go for Emma.
Hold on - So - Uh! Flying Dutchman, eh? Oh, no.
Oh, no.
I made that up.
No, no, it's real.
It's like the Mexican Submarine.
Alex, how are you doing? Oh, you know, things are a bit rough.
I do know.
I've been divorced three times.
I know what it's like.
Your mind's scattered, distracted.
Do you know what I did after my first divorce? Dropped everything, went for a few weeks in St.
Barts, took my mind off things.
Well, that sounds great, but, uh Nah, you don't have the vacation days, do you? Or the money-- shame.
There's a spa there where you've got a Swede working upstairs while the Thai one uses a chinchilla mitten on the old cricket pitch.
- Ah.
- Anyway What you do have is work.
You've been dropping the ball a bit, bum chum.
My advice-- forget about your life.
Get me a "Live right" strategy.
Thanks for coming by.
This is my office.
Right.
Let's keep it that way.
You know, I could take off my wedding ring.
I could put bronzer on the tan line.
- No one would even know.
- No! No! - Alex! What's up, bro? - I got an idea, so-- No.
Okay? So, single and on the prowl.
You gotta be psyched, huh? Actually, more the exact opposite.
Right, yeah.
No divorce.
It's a, uh, it's a bummer.
So let's move on.
I got a date.
Her friend's cat died.
She's coming out with us.
Now I need a wingman.
I mean, this is a great opportunity for you to just sort of get back on the horse.
And if you can't do it, I could totally do it.
No, Greg.
You can't, okay? A married wingman is justNo.
You could do two wingmen.
- That's a horrible idea.
- Um Can I think about it? Excuse me a second.
So what if I asked you properly? About reverse crab? I was kidding.
Uh, everybody keeps telling me I'm supposed to get back on the horse, so I was wondering if you'd care to be that horse.
That did not come out right.
Was it the crying? 'Cause, I swear, I don't usually cry after sex, really.
Before and during, almost always.
It wasn't that.
I like men who cry.
Well, then we should probably get married.
You're gonna be very, very happy.
Alex, you're not ready for a relationship.
We can't talk five minutes without you going maudlin over your kids or having an existential crisis or crying.
- Which you said you liked.
- Alex I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but you are an absolute mess.
I'm a mess.
I'm not absolute.
You're crying right now.
Are you aware of that? What? No.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, it's this song.
Oh, my God, my kids used to love this song.
Heh.
Oh, we'd do this little dance.
Oh, God.
What if that's the happiest I'm ever gonna be? Crying, kids, existential crisis.
Two minutes-- a new record.
Doesn't mean I'm not ready.
- Alex, my man.
- Walter.
I brought the one where I test my swords on meats.
Gorgeous blades.
Please tell me that's not a euphemism.
Uh, Walter's been letting me crash in my office - till my new place is ready.
- Ah.
It's actually pretty cool.
Couple single guys sitting around talking Mostly about weapons.
Yeah, you're making my point for me.
Ah, hey.
As long as we're being honest, was it the sex? Alex, stop.
I know what this is like.
It's--it's brutal.
But you're gonna get through this, and you're gonna be a stronger person.
I know--I had it rough.
But now I am fine.
Yeah, apart from some problem drinking occasionally mixed in with some impulsive sexual acting out.
Speaking of which, I just happen to be free right now if you'd care to have several drinks and just kind of see what happens.
I don't think we should sleep together.
Tonight's not good, I'm certainly free forever.
Yeah, ever again.
What, like, ever? Uh, you remember all those times before, when we didn't sleep together? Like that.
Good night, Alex! Enjoy your swords with meats.
Sir, do you know where I get No, I like this one.
I think it's right here.
So that was it? I was just--I'm dumped? Alex, can I tell you something amazing that's happened in the last 15 years? I mean, besides TiVo and getting email on a plane.
You can have sex with somebody, and you don't have to spend the rest of your life with them.
- How about just like-- - Oh, my God.
- Was that it? - Yes.
Oh, and this.
Oh, two.
Great.
So Video of swords chopping meat? Yeah.
Sounds about right.
When are you gonna come out with us? I mean, it's been a year since Pete-- I don't know what's right to say--stopped living? But still, when I ask you to go clubbing, you're always, like, "Maybe later.
" Clubs are just warehouses where they keep the ass hats at night.
Well, yeah, but where else are you gonna meet guys? Your vagina didn't die of a heart condition, too, did it? I mean, that actually happens.
When my grandpa died, my grandma didn't go out.
She just bought a mynah bird and taught it to say things like, "Hi" and "You look nice"-- Maybe I'll go out with you guys later.
Cool.
This is Helen.
It's 'cause we work together, isn't it? So did the Clintons, so do the Osbournes-- Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr.
They didn't work together.
Excuse me, they were working together when they met-- Set of I Know What You Did Last Summer.
And since they've gotten married, they've done both Scooby-Doos together.
She did not do the sequel.
Monsters Unleashed? Of course she did-- in fact, I'm sending you a link to prove it.
Alex, stop.
I have work.
You know what? Screw work.
What is work, anyway, in the whole grand scheme of things? - Behind you.
- Hey, Stephen.
"A lot" is what I was gonna tell that person there, and particularly for me, live right, which-- Wow, we got a meeting over there.
Well, I want you to see this before you go.
Ah! Ah! - W-what is that? - It's the Flying Dutchman.
Of course, it's easy with a third person, either a man or sturdy female.
I stand corrected.
Thank you.
Flying Dutchman, apparently, is an actual thing.
- Ah.
- Alex, uh All my other bros left me hangin', so need that wingman, bro.
I didn't leave you hangin', bro.
Greg, shut up.
Uh, Alex was saying that he was ready, right, Alex? Don't say, "salmonella outbreak.
" - Say, "recent incident.
" - Anything else before I go out? No, no, no.
You just stick to the talking points.
- You're gonna be fine.
- Be concerned But folksy--and it's pronounced safe-ganic.
Yeah, we're blaming organic-style farming for the bad eggs, right? So we're switching to safeganic, which is A word we made up.
Good morning, and thank you all for coming.
Okay, why did you sell me out to Dan? To move on.
You're in emotional turmoil.
I'm gonna help you so you will stop bothering me.
- What, you're gonna help me? - Yes.
How? No.
Why would a person wear that? Because you look like Willy Loman.
You're starting over.
New Alex, new image.
- No.
- Why? Purple is in.
Because I have no plans to DJ at an Armenian gangster's acquittal party.
Let's just try this one first.
Uh, I don't think you're supposed to be in here.
It's faster, and it's not like I haven't seen everything already.
- Awful! - Just realizing that now? - Okay, last one.
- Do we have to? - Yes.
- Oh, great.
Stephen, where are you? There we go.
It's great! New Alex.
Come on, I look like John Stamos's lamer brother.
Jeff Stamos.
I sell customized erotic statuary.
Mom actually likes me best.
Ooh, baby, tell me how long Okay, what the hell are you doing? What? Nothing.
You just did that look.
The - I did not.
- Yeah, slow lean-in thing.
I-I--well, can you blame me if I did? You're all touching me.
We're inches apart in this tiny little room.
To help you pick out clothes for your date with another woman.
See, this is why men and women can't be friends-- 'cause you guys just misread.
You misread--you've misread that I have misread.
Okay, we're gonna need to have, like, a safe word.
- A safe word? - Mm-hmm.
If you get confused in a situation like just now, you just say the word, and then-- I say, like, "potato" or something? Fine, you can say "potato.
" And then we'll pause, and we'll take a deep breath, and we'll just be back to friends.
- Okay? - Okay And now we're late.
P.
R.
basics-- emphasize the positives.
Get 'em out front, bury the negatives.
Hi.
Sorry we're late-- traffic.
Looks and baggage? What client is this? Oh, God.
This is me, isn't it? We're all super excited that you're jumping back on that horse.
Now, since you're gonna be my wingman and I'm depending on you to help me get laid, we've decided to come up with a little strategy.
Perfect.
He needs this.
What? No, no, no, no.
Guys, really.
- See, he's not up for it.
- Damn it, Greg! I haven't been out of the house without my family since 2009.
Just Helen, you be a woman, okay? We'll run through the talking points.
Ask him how it is going.
How is it going? Uh, you know, things are a bit rough, and you might say absurd.
No, try this.
"Things are a bit awesome, and I might buy an Audi.
" Confidence-- concept number one.
I just don't feel particularly confident.
- So pretend.
- I'm not a very good liar.
So naturally you chose a career in corporate public relations.
Well, I wanted to be a music journalist.
Really? That is so cool.
- Little column and little-- - It was, actually.
Had my own See? Lying, easy.
I should have his job.
All right, next point.
- "Banter"? - Emma, you're a woman.
Sit.
Do I have to? She hates me.
So win her over with your banter.
Ask her if she's ever been to a nude beach.
It's a really fun icebreaker.
I read it in Marie Claire.
Just ask her about her hair.
They love to talk about their hair.
Or ask her if she's ever had any flying dreams.
It's a sign she likes sexual control.
What? Self.
Ladies, these are your magazines.
Just be witty.
Ask questions.
Avoid drama and don't cry.
I thought women liked men that cried.
Where did you get that? Okay, umbanter.
Um Um, Chinese chicken salad.
Is that a salad made with Chinese chicken, or is that a chicken salad made in the Chinese style? And no sex for you.
Good-bye.
I think you're basically ready.
Replica broadsword, circa 300 A.
D.
If you lived in what is now France, this is what you'd be up against.
Hmm.
Nice shirt.
You got a date or something? Yeah, and I'm totally freakin' out.
I have a date.
I'm a middle-aged man.
I failed my marriage.
And what the hell-- what the hell am I doing? You're picking yourself up, and you're starting over.
A man is not finished when he's defeated.
He is finished when he quits.
Richard Nixon From when before he quit, so it's basically valid.
Can you imagine being a Visigoth, and you see that coming at you? Please! I wanted love I needed love most of all most of all someone said true love was dead 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21.
Okay, 21.
21 is not-- Damn it.
Hey.
Excited about tonight? It must be exciting, I mean, 'cause if you think about it, you can go out and sleep with anybody you want-- anyone at all Like an Asian.
Right? Hey, you ready? 'Cause, you know, this is, uh, this is for real, so If you're still, uh, iffy or-- or maybe feel like cryin', just don't, you know? Just bottle it up.
- I'm ready.
- And don't be sad.
Have fun.
- Thanks.
- Okay.
I'm not gonna get this one.
It's too sweet.
Here, honey, take the list.
What about some turkey So having a party? Okay, enough.
- Sorry.
- No, I come in here.
I see you looking at me looking at my stuff.
No, I don't have to explain anything to you, Marvin.
So just keep your judgments to yourself, and compute the stuff.
Hi.
Is there a problem? No, there's no problem whatsoever.
As I've been trying to explain to Marvin here, I am buying wine and frozen pork medallions and sherbet and wine.
I'm not having a party.
I'm gonna eat my pork medallions and my sherbet and drink my wine alone.
Okay? So what? I'm fine with that! Okay? I'm fine! You going to a party, Marvin? No.
Every hour, every minute seemed to last eternally I was so afraid, Fernando we were young and full of life Oh, Pete.
I know.
I'm sorry, but it's time.
And cannons almost made me cry You got it, you got it, you got it! So how long have you been here? Ah, sugar, sugar you are my candy girl Oh, come on.
Hey, Alex! - What's up, bro? - Hey.
- This is my friend Susan.
- Hi.
And her friend Julie - Hi.
- Whose cat has died.
Yeah.
I heard.
I'm very sorry.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I like your shirt.
Really? Uh I-I'm Would you excuse me one second? Just one second.
Hi.
So I just got here.
But, uh I can report that, for a cat lady, she I'm sorry, is that Abba? Hey.
Hey.
Are you okay? Well, sorry I Ruined your date.
No, no, no.
Really, it's fine.
Was it awful? She had big bones? She was like a big-boned girl? No.
She was actually really attractive.
JustYou sounded pretty upset on the phone.
No, I should not have even called you.
You should go back to your--your date 'Cause I'm fine.
You didn't sound fine.
Well, I am fine now.
Uhh! After drinking wine and playing Fernando repeatedly all night long.
No, I'm--I'm fine.
I mean, that happened.
You should go back to your cat lady.
Oh, no, no, no.
Please no.
- Mm.
Mm? - I-I just I was outside the restaurant completely freaking out this evening.
I mean, not only couldn't I banter, but, uh, I cried.
I cried.
So, uh, you were right.
I'm--I'm not ready.
I'm way too raw.
And I'm an absolute mess.
Okay? And so are you.
What the hell happened here? Oh, I couldn't do it.
You mean, like, physically or emotionally? It was just Too heavy.
Still not a clear answer.
He died a year ago.
You're right.
It's not normal-- His photos.
So I tried to take the big one down, and then The floorboards were uneven.
I understand.
In the firelight, Fernando Also, I'm not sure what you think Fernando is about.
I-I just, uh It's actually about two old Mexican men who are reminiscing about the Mexican-American war.
Soit, uh Okay.
Potato.
We need a better safe word.
They loved me.
I was a great wingman.
Showing pictures of your kids is not wingmanning.
It is like the opposite of wingmanning! Dude! You screwed me, man.
I had to call him.
He ruined the whole operation.
What can I say? I had to help out a friend.
Hey, Dan, Julie texted me pictures of her cat.
Dude, it's official.
You're hopeless.
Well, least it's official.
Yeah, that's the tough part, is not knowing the official status.
Yes, I'll tell him you called.
Some guy named Dave called.
Thank you.
Alex, thank you Foryou know.
I mean, I-- I mean, not for that.
No, no.
I know.
You know what I mean.
Yeah.
Sure.
- Potato.
- Right.
- Potato.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
Okay.
I was just wondering Uh I forgot how this works.
Is this part lights on or off? Whatever.
I'm sorry, but it's just How--how am I playing this? I mean, am I staying-- I'll call you a cab.
OhThank you.
Sure.
Wow, that's impressive.
In my limited experience, I never got past a three-pack, that's-- You're, like, making a statement over there.
I can buy bulk on the Internet? No, more like, "It's 2011, "and I'm an independent woman.
"I can buy hundreds of condoms.
Doesn't make me a slut.
" Heh.
Oh, is that what I was saying? - Well, I mean-- - Or was I saying, "It's 2010 I'm gonna buy condoms to have sex with my fiance"? With--with, um - Pete.
- Pete.
- Right.
- Yes.
And Pete and Pete and Pete and Pete.
I know, they're stupid.
But we had 'em done just before he died.
I'm What the hell? What are you thinking? I'm thinking it's my son's birthday next week, and I'm not gonna be with my kids.
Um I'm sorry.
I don't usually do this.
Hi, I need a cab.
Morning.
How you doing? Hey, hey, there you are.
Alex, a little constructive criticism-- You look like hell.
Yeah, thank you.
Uh, I was up kind of late last night.
Bit of a rough night, you know? Oh, I do know.
- What was her name, bro? - Who? Oh, n-no.
No, no, no, no.
What, you got some? Yes! Deets! "Details.
" Ink's not even dry on the divorce papers, and he is back on the horse! Ooh, can't wait to hear about this.
I--no, really.
There's nothing to tell.
I swear.
Good morning, P.
R.
professionals.
Alex, you look like hell.
He was up all night doing el nasty.
He was just about to tell us about it.
Well, this is a staff meeting at a capitalist enterprise, and as you may have read, time is money, so make it fast-- just the good parts.
Uh, I met a woman last night, and we had wild animal sex all night long, okay? Was that good for everyone? Yes, animal sex.
W-what kind of animals? Like panthers, okay? Can we have our meeting now? What about the body? Physical type, then a number between one and ten.
And did her underwear pieces match, - and did she move at all? - And, really, panthers? Apparently, we differ in our definition of "good parts.
" Just size and shape of breasts, straight to positions.
Okay, uh Boobs were round and enormous.
Positions-- what didn't we do? Really, the works.
Uh, normal, of course, dog style, cat style, uh, reverse crab-- That happened.
Uh, the penitent farmer Uh, uh, lazy bus driver, the turducken-- that was fun.
Oh, the Flying Dutchman, of course, and, really, that's the limit of my imagination, because, honestly, I was up late working.
Boo! Well, points for imagination, which we now turn to our client, Omdyne, whose "Live right" division has an unfortunate little problem with its image.
A salmonella outbreak at Rose Hill Elementary Completely disgusting.
So how do we spin this? Complete denial or blame someone else? If you'd wanted to try the reverse crab, you just had to ask.
Various jackasses called for you.
Laura called about parents' night.
Laura called again, same subject.
And Laura called.
Subject-- Well, you get it.
God, all right, would you please tell-- You do get executive assistant, right? As in not personal.
Not for your personal problems.
- I understand-- - Speaking of which, there's more of those.
Your lawyer called, twice.
And I think this is a person.
- "Sampat"? - Yeah, that's a person.
He's not done painting, so your new apartment won't be ready till the weekend.
Okay, Emma, can we, like, turn down the sass maybe one little notch today? It's not sass.
This is how it is.
Lions don't eat deer 'cause they're sassy.
It's called Darwinism.
And now I'm on the phone.
Go for Emma.
Hold on - So - Uh! Flying Dutchman, eh? Oh, no.
Oh, no.
I made that up.
No, no, it's real.
It's like the Mexican Submarine.
Alex, how are you doing? Oh, you know, things are a bit rough.
I do know.
I've been divorced three times.
I know what it's like.
Your mind's scattered, distracted.
Do you know what I did after my first divorce? Dropped everything, went for a few weeks in St.
Barts, took my mind off things.
Well, that sounds great, but, uh Nah, you don't have the vacation days, do you? Or the money-- shame.
There's a spa there where you've got a Swede working upstairs while the Thai one uses a chinchilla mitten on the old cricket pitch.
- Ah.
- Anyway What you do have is work.
You've been dropping the ball a bit, bum chum.
My advice-- forget about your life.
Get me a "Live right" strategy.
Thanks for coming by.
This is my office.
Right.
Let's keep it that way.
You know, I could take off my wedding ring.
I could put bronzer on the tan line.
- No one would even know.
- No! No! - Alex! What's up, bro? - I got an idea, so-- No.
Okay? So, single and on the prowl.
You gotta be psyched, huh? Actually, more the exact opposite.
Right, yeah.
No divorce.
It's a, uh, it's a bummer.
So let's move on.
I got a date.
Her friend's cat died.
She's coming out with us.
Now I need a wingman.
I mean, this is a great opportunity for you to just sort of get back on the horse.
And if you can't do it, I could totally do it.
No, Greg.
You can't, okay? A married wingman is justNo.
You could do two wingmen.
- That's a horrible idea.
- Um Can I think about it? Excuse me a second.
So what if I asked you properly? About reverse crab? I was kidding.
Uh, everybody keeps telling me I'm supposed to get back on the horse, so I was wondering if you'd care to be that horse.
That did not come out right.
Was it the crying? 'Cause, I swear, I don't usually cry after sex, really.
Before and during, almost always.
It wasn't that.
I like men who cry.
Well, then we should probably get married.
You're gonna be very, very happy.
Alex, you're not ready for a relationship.
We can't talk five minutes without you going maudlin over your kids or having an existential crisis or crying.
- Which you said you liked.
- Alex I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but you are an absolute mess.
I'm a mess.
I'm not absolute.
You're crying right now.
Are you aware of that? What? No.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, it's this song.
Oh, my God, my kids used to love this song.
Heh.
Oh, we'd do this little dance.
Oh, God.
What if that's the happiest I'm ever gonna be? Crying, kids, existential crisis.
Two minutes-- a new record.
Doesn't mean I'm not ready.
- Alex, my man.
- Walter.
I brought the one where I test my swords on meats.
Gorgeous blades.
Please tell me that's not a euphemism.
Uh, Walter's been letting me crash in my office - till my new place is ready.
- Ah.
It's actually pretty cool.
Couple single guys sitting around talking Mostly about weapons.
Yeah, you're making my point for me.
Ah, hey.
As long as we're being honest, was it the sex? Alex, stop.
I know what this is like.
It's--it's brutal.
But you're gonna get through this, and you're gonna be a stronger person.
I know--I had it rough.
But now I am fine.
Yeah, apart from some problem drinking occasionally mixed in with some impulsive sexual acting out.
Speaking of which, I just happen to be free right now if you'd care to have several drinks and just kind of see what happens.
I don't think we should sleep together.
Tonight's not good, I'm certainly free forever.
Yeah, ever again.
What, like, ever? Uh, you remember all those times before, when we didn't sleep together? Like that.
Good night, Alex! Enjoy your swords with meats.
Sir, do you know where I get No, I like this one.
I think it's right here.
So that was it? I was just--I'm dumped? Alex, can I tell you something amazing that's happened in the last 15 years? I mean, besides TiVo and getting email on a plane.
You can have sex with somebody, and you don't have to spend the rest of your life with them.
- How about just like-- - Oh, my God.
- Was that it? - Yes.
Oh, and this.
Oh, two.
Great.
So Video of swords chopping meat? Yeah.
Sounds about right.
When are you gonna come out with us? I mean, it's been a year since Pete-- I don't know what's right to say--stopped living? But still, when I ask you to go clubbing, you're always, like, "Maybe later.
" Clubs are just warehouses where they keep the ass hats at night.
Well, yeah, but where else are you gonna meet guys? Your vagina didn't die of a heart condition, too, did it? I mean, that actually happens.
When my grandpa died, my grandma didn't go out.
She just bought a mynah bird and taught it to say things like, "Hi" and "You look nice"-- Maybe I'll go out with you guys later.
Cool.
This is Helen.
It's 'cause we work together, isn't it? So did the Clintons, so do the Osbournes-- Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr.
They didn't work together.
Excuse me, they were working together when they met-- Set of I Know What You Did Last Summer.
And since they've gotten married, they've done both Scooby-Doos together.
She did not do the sequel.
Monsters Unleashed? Of course she did-- in fact, I'm sending you a link to prove it.
Alex, stop.
I have work.
You know what? Screw work.
What is work, anyway, in the whole grand scheme of things? - Behind you.
- Hey, Stephen.
"A lot" is what I was gonna tell that person there, and particularly for me, live right, which-- Wow, we got a meeting over there.
Well, I want you to see this before you go.
Ah! Ah! - W-what is that? - It's the Flying Dutchman.
Of course, it's easy with a third person, either a man or sturdy female.
I stand corrected.
Thank you.
Flying Dutchman, apparently, is an actual thing.
- Ah.
- Alex, uh All my other bros left me hangin', so need that wingman, bro.
I didn't leave you hangin', bro.
Greg, shut up.
Uh, Alex was saying that he was ready, right, Alex? Don't say, "salmonella outbreak.
" - Say, "recent incident.
" - Anything else before I go out? No, no, no.
You just stick to the talking points.
- You're gonna be fine.
- Be concerned But folksy--and it's pronounced safe-ganic.
Yeah, we're blaming organic-style farming for the bad eggs, right? So we're switching to safeganic, which is A word we made up.
Good morning, and thank you all for coming.
Okay, why did you sell me out to Dan? To move on.
You're in emotional turmoil.
I'm gonna help you so you will stop bothering me.
- What, you're gonna help me? - Yes.
How? No.
Why would a person wear that? Because you look like Willy Loman.
You're starting over.
New Alex, new image.
- No.
- Why? Purple is in.
Because I have no plans to DJ at an Armenian gangster's acquittal party.
Let's just try this one first.
Uh, I don't think you're supposed to be in here.
It's faster, and it's not like I haven't seen everything already.
- Awful! - Just realizing that now? - Okay, last one.
- Do we have to? - Yes.
- Oh, great.
Stephen, where are you? There we go.
It's great! New Alex.
Come on, I look like John Stamos's lamer brother.
Jeff Stamos.
I sell customized erotic statuary.
Mom actually likes me best.
Ooh, baby, tell me how long Okay, what the hell are you doing? What? Nothing.
You just did that look.
The - I did not.
- Yeah, slow lean-in thing.
I-I--well, can you blame me if I did? You're all touching me.
We're inches apart in this tiny little room.
To help you pick out clothes for your date with another woman.
See, this is why men and women can't be friends-- 'cause you guys just misread.
You misread--you've misread that I have misread.
Okay, we're gonna need to have, like, a safe word.
- A safe word? - Mm-hmm.
If you get confused in a situation like just now, you just say the word, and then-- I say, like, "potato" or something? Fine, you can say "potato.
" And then we'll pause, and we'll take a deep breath, and we'll just be back to friends.
- Okay? - Okay And now we're late.
P.
R.
basics-- emphasize the positives.
Get 'em out front, bury the negatives.
Hi.
Sorry we're late-- traffic.
Looks and baggage? What client is this? Oh, God.
This is me, isn't it? We're all super excited that you're jumping back on that horse.
Now, since you're gonna be my wingman and I'm depending on you to help me get laid, we've decided to come up with a little strategy.
Perfect.
He needs this.
What? No, no, no, no.
Guys, really.
- See, he's not up for it.
- Damn it, Greg! I haven't been out of the house without my family since 2009.
Just Helen, you be a woman, okay? We'll run through the talking points.
Ask him how it is going.
How is it going? Uh, you know, things are a bit rough, and you might say absurd.
No, try this.
"Things are a bit awesome, and I might buy an Audi.
" Confidence-- concept number one.
I just don't feel particularly confident.
- So pretend.
- I'm not a very good liar.
So naturally you chose a career in corporate public relations.
Well, I wanted to be a music journalist.
Really? That is so cool.
- Little column and little-- - It was, actually.
Had my own See? Lying, easy.
I should have his job.
All right, next point.
- "Banter"? - Emma, you're a woman.
Sit.
Do I have to? She hates me.
So win her over with your banter.
Ask her if she's ever been to a nude beach.
It's a really fun icebreaker.
I read it in Marie Claire.
Just ask her about her hair.
They love to talk about their hair.
Or ask her if she's ever had any flying dreams.
It's a sign she likes sexual control.
What? Self.
Ladies, these are your magazines.
Just be witty.
Ask questions.
Avoid drama and don't cry.
I thought women liked men that cried.
Where did you get that? Okay, umbanter.
Um Um, Chinese chicken salad.
Is that a salad made with Chinese chicken, or is that a chicken salad made in the Chinese style? And no sex for you.
Good-bye.
I think you're basically ready.
Replica broadsword, circa 300 A.
D.
If you lived in what is now France, this is what you'd be up against.
Hmm.
Nice shirt.
You got a date or something? Yeah, and I'm totally freakin' out.
I have a date.
I'm a middle-aged man.
I failed my marriage.
And what the hell-- what the hell am I doing? You're picking yourself up, and you're starting over.
A man is not finished when he's defeated.
He is finished when he quits.
Richard Nixon From when before he quit, so it's basically valid.
Can you imagine being a Visigoth, and you see that coming at you? Please! I wanted love I needed love most of all most of all someone said true love was dead 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21.
Okay, 21.
21 is not-- Damn it.
Hey.
Excited about tonight? It must be exciting, I mean, 'cause if you think about it, you can go out and sleep with anybody you want-- anyone at all Like an Asian.
Right? Hey, you ready? 'Cause, you know, this is, uh, this is for real, so If you're still, uh, iffy or-- or maybe feel like cryin', just don't, you know? Just bottle it up.
- I'm ready.
- And don't be sad.
Have fun.
- Thanks.
- Okay.
I'm not gonna get this one.
It's too sweet.
Here, honey, take the list.
What about some turkey So having a party? Okay, enough.
- Sorry.
- No, I come in here.
I see you looking at me looking at my stuff.
No, I don't have to explain anything to you, Marvin.
So just keep your judgments to yourself, and compute the stuff.
Hi.
Is there a problem? No, there's no problem whatsoever.
As I've been trying to explain to Marvin here, I am buying wine and frozen pork medallions and sherbet and wine.
I'm not having a party.
I'm gonna eat my pork medallions and my sherbet and drink my wine alone.
Okay? So what? I'm fine with that! Okay? I'm fine! You going to a party, Marvin? No.
Every hour, every minute seemed to last eternally I was so afraid, Fernando we were young and full of life Oh, Pete.
I know.
I'm sorry, but it's time.
And cannons almost made me cry You got it, you got it, you got it! So how long have you been here? Ah, sugar, sugar you are my candy girl Oh, come on.
Hey, Alex! - What's up, bro? - Hey.
- This is my friend Susan.
- Hi.
And her friend Julie - Hi.
- Whose cat has died.
Yeah.
I heard.
I'm very sorry.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I like your shirt.
Really? Uh I-I'm Would you excuse me one second? Just one second.
Hi.
So I just got here.
But, uh I can report that, for a cat lady, she I'm sorry, is that Abba? Hey.
Hey.
Are you okay? Well, sorry I Ruined your date.
No, no, no.
Really, it's fine.
Was it awful? She had big bones? She was like a big-boned girl? No.
She was actually really attractive.
JustYou sounded pretty upset on the phone.
No, I should not have even called you.
You should go back to your--your date 'Cause I'm fine.
You didn't sound fine.
Well, I am fine now.
Uhh! After drinking wine and playing Fernando repeatedly all night long.
No, I'm--I'm fine.
I mean, that happened.
You should go back to your cat lady.
Oh, no, no, no.
Please no.
- Mm.
Mm? - I-I just I was outside the restaurant completely freaking out this evening.
I mean, not only couldn't I banter, but, uh, I cried.
I cried.
So, uh, you were right.
I'm--I'm not ready.
I'm way too raw.
And I'm an absolute mess.
Okay? And so are you.
What the hell happened here? Oh, I couldn't do it.
You mean, like, physically or emotionally? It was just Too heavy.
Still not a clear answer.
He died a year ago.
You're right.
It's not normal-- His photos.
So I tried to take the big one down, and then The floorboards were uneven.
I understand.
In the firelight, Fernando Also, I'm not sure what you think Fernando is about.
I-I just, uh It's actually about two old Mexican men who are reminiscing about the Mexican-American war.
Soit, uh Okay.
Potato.
We need a better safe word.
They loved me.
I was a great wingman.
Showing pictures of your kids is not wingmanning.
It is like the opposite of wingmanning! Dude! You screwed me, man.
I had to call him.
He ruined the whole operation.
What can I say? I had to help out a friend.
Hey, Dan, Julie texted me pictures of her cat.
Dude, it's official.
You're hopeless.
Well, least it's official.
Yeah, that's the tough part, is not knowing the official status.
Yes, I'll tell him you called.
Some guy named Dave called.
Thank you.
Alex, thank you Foryou know.
I mean, I-- I mean, not for that.
No, no.
I know.
You know what I mean.
Yeah.
Sure.
- Potato.
- Right.
- Potato.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
Okay.