Fresh Meat (2011) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
Hello? RUSHING SOUND Hello?! Hi.
Hello? I was er um, was on my hand.
What? (CLEARS THROAT) I just haven't spoken to another human being in some time.
Wind drying.
Peking ducks.
Right.
Sorry.
I've just got used to wearing trousers of the mind.
Well, maybe you should tuck your cock away while I make us a nice cup of tea? Ah! Ah! Hello, sorry.
Er, wow.
We can, er Right through? Weird, yeah? Who knew a student house would come with its very own glory hole! What's a glory hole? Oh, it's nothing.
It's silly.
Forget it.
Just something I heard.
Definitely heard it before.
Are you Googling? Don't Google Oh! No, right.
I can see now.
That is definitely glorious.
Yes, well, not every glory hole has to be used for that.
They can also be used for Kingsley.
Josie.
So, you're a coffee man? Woman.
The Coffster! Yep.
Coffee.
I'm mental for my coffee.
Seriously, It's like a problem.
You've got your tea? It's tea for me.
You're the mystery woman.
Impossible to pin down.
So, did you arrive, like, yesterday? Try two years ago.
And did all your mates move on? That is what we must assume.
So Look at us all.
In a year, we might be like, "God, we all missed out on halls, "got put into a uni house "and remember when we had that first cup of tea?" Very good.
I suppose it falls to me to guide you through the secrets of your new abode.
Chest freezer, self-explanatory.
Basic item.
Washing machine, ditto, yadda yadda yadda.
The dry washing machine.
Pointless.
Fucked.
This This isn't It's a tumble drier.
That's a good place to crouch.
If you're fearful of, like, ghosties, or local youths, or chemical or biological warfare.
Yeah.
That's a sweet crouching spot.
So, what course are you doing? Oh, dentistry.
And you? Geology.
Paul Lamb.
What I've deduced from the evidence since his arrival yesterday.
Loves cumin, hates society, uses Imperial Leather in moderation, toilet paper in excess.
Never yet sighted in person.
Paul Lamb, the invisible man.
Water will accumulate like that after a big rain.
That's classic.
Seen that 1,000 times, my friends.
That's enough, Speccy Gandalf.
Time to lead us to the fucking pub.
So, what did you do in your year off? I didn't have a year off.
Tell me about it! Wish I'd had a year off.
I thought you said you had a year off.
In Vietnam? The spider monkey that could do a scalp massage? Oh, yeah.
No, but it was hardcore.
More like a year on than a year off.
I did six months working in a fish factory in Arbroath.
So, you must know a lot about fish.
Yeah.
One day soon, all the fish will be gone from the sea.
Let me tell you, I'll be the first one out on the streets celebrating.
Finally.
Fucking victory! Psst! Hello.
Hey, buddy.
Do you want to come in here? Don't worry, dude.
I'm not a fucking bender.
And I'm not a homophobe, so we're both good.
See you later.
Come on! Freebies.
Get your schnozz in here.
Yeah, what is it? Coke.
Come on.
Pretty sure it's coke.
I mean, it's from a guy, so it should be coke.
You can go first.
If it isn't coke, then just say.
Hello.
Could I have one twentieth of your pint, please? Should nail something tonight, right? This place is crawling with quality anus.
Excuse me, may I suck on your teat? I was going to get the lemon tickler, but they're out so just went with natural.
Who needs flavours anyway? My cock already tastes amazing! I imagine.
Hello.
Could I have one twentieth of your pint please? Fuck off, mate.
Is the correct answer.
But look what the suckers donated.
What is this? Port and vodka.
Baileys.
At Stowe, we called it The Stoweminator.
I should probably get back to my friends.
OK, cool.
You know if you'd like any fruit from the pussy tree, cameraphone that shit up, Bluetooth my ass.
Wank swap! Sounds fun! Well, we should probably meet up tomorrow for lunch or something, you know? Get a motherfucking baked potato? Right, dude? Er, yeah! Yeah, although I can't make that, I came to the wrong thing.
I'm at Knutsford, doing agricultural engineering.
So, it's been amazing and I've got to go to Knutsford, so laters.
Will you at least see if this coke is poisonous? Shall we talk to women? This place is crawling with quality human beings.
Women like that aren't for likes of us.
Us? She'd sniff us out.
She'd sense the fear.
Nah.
I reckon I could easily slide in there.
Vibe it out.
Easy to say, 10 to 15 feet away from her body.
But you couldn't actually talk to her.
Course I could! Back home, they call me the Pussyman.
People refer to you as the Pussyman? Yes.
"Would the Pussyman like some cashew nuts?" "Yes please, the Pussyman adores cashew nuts!" Look, you get the drinks.
Fuck it, I'll see if Josie wants to No, Josie's taken.
Pow, pa-pow-pow! Oh, for fuck's sake! A book.
Nice.
So, you into books and that? Yeah, I suppose I am.
Cool, I'm a bit of a booky and that myself.
Love them words.
Us bookies should stick together.
Nightmare, isn't it? Hi, I'm Howard.
This is my friend The Pu Person Who Goes By The Name Of Kingsley.
Rachel.
Anyway, bollocks to me.
It's all about you.
I bet you're from somewhere normal, like Coventry.
Aberbeeg.
Exactly.
Somewhere like that.
Brilliant.
Re-charge! Sorry! Take a drink from a magic potion Soon you're going to really feel fine Upon my soul I feel fine What do you think of Kingsley? I like Kingsley.
I like Kingsley.
Don't shit where you eat.
Oh, God, I don't "like him" like him.
I just like him.
Oh, I know, me neither.
Exactly.
Anyway, I think he's pulled, not that I even care.
Course he has.
First night's a freebie.
Are you girls banging tonight? Er? I dunno? Are you? Maybe.
I like to strap one on early, get one under the belt.
But that's just me.
Of course.
Some good-looking guys here.
And girls.
Oh, yeah.
Totally.
So.
What A levels did you do? (LAUGHS) Oh.
I'm sorry.
It's cool.
It's just I know! I'm sorry.
I don't even know why I asked.
Don't worry.
It's fine.
It's just a bit lame.
Oh, God! Am I incredibly lame? Don't worry about it, sweetheart.
It's not lame.
It's just I didn't do any A levels.
I took my exams out of the barrel of a gun.
Yeah.
Besides.
Lameness comes out in the wash.
Just got to scrub it off with booze and spliff and pussy and cock.
So then Mum started having seizures and I had to stay in the flat to look after her.
Me and Mum, that's been the last five years.
Sorry, I'm gabbling.
When you asked about the crisps, I got on a roll.
I'm gabbling again.
No, it's amazing.
I just had to do it.
I meant until I came here.
What, eventually you just said, "fuck you, I'm going"? What? No! God, no.
Now she has a dog who looks after her.
A dog? It's trained to tell when she's about to have a fit.
It must have been difficult for you.
I guess, but on the plus side, you're aware of the fragility of people, how much we all need each other.
I'm just with some friends, but I might get my bag and may be we could grab a seat? Oh, yeah, great, yeah.
Yum, yum, yum.
What? She ate that up, you filthy beast.
What? The bullshit.
She ate it all down.
That wasn't bullshit.
The five years in the council flat? The fits? The wasted youth? The dog? No.
That's all for real.
Wow.
Then that is pretty gay, man.
How is looking after my mum gay? If I was humping her, and she wasn't my mum and she was a man, that might have been gay.
So, have either of you got boyfriends at home or? Nah.
National Express doesn't even go to Belmarsh, so, you know? No.
Thank God.
My sister says you're on the phone the first year, you break up and second year's like first year and third year's like your second year but with the hot guys nailed, you're left on the shelf if there was one, which there isn't.
So, nightmare, this statement bullshit, right? Oh, yeah.
Too right.
What statement? The 1,000-word "Why English?" statement for tomorrow? Oh, no.
I've been off-grid.
I haven't done any laundry since June.
Seriously, when I saw squeezy Marmite I freaked my nut.
Maybe I might strap a guy on for the night? Do it.
He looks like a safe pair of hands.
Clean.
A washer.
I'm not sure I totally liked him but Whoa, You don't want to get into "liking".
First night, starter lay - strictly business.
I was thinking of heading back to my place.
Fine.
Understood.
No But wondered if you fancied coming? Well, sure! Great! I'll go and say goodbye.
Sure.
Don't do this.
This does not happen.
It's a trap.
It's not a trap, Howard, it's just how the Pussyman rolls.
Your kidneys are going on eBay.
She's going to eat you.
And not in the good way.
OK.
Right.
Good.
Here we go.
Can't just wait around forever like a silver ring ming.
So, time to load up and strap on! OK.
Yeah.
She's doing it.
That's cool.
So what A levels did you do? Maths, chemistry and physics.
They call it the nut buster.
Paul, is that you? Where's my wine? Shall we say "yo"? Er Nah, let's not say "yo" right now.
So, here we are.
You, me, a mattress.
Well, let's do this thing! Uh There's no sheet.
Do you mind if I Could we put a sheet on? Yeah, that's cool.
Totally cool.
It's got elasticated corners so it won't take very long.
If you take that end No problemo.
Oh.
Sorry, yanked a bit too hard there.
It's fine.
I promise I won't yank too hard on your breasts.
It's a nice sheet.
High motherfuckin' thread count, hey? Yeah.
Egyptian cotton.
There was a deal on if you bought the pillowcase and duvet set, although when we got to the till that only applied to a single duvet set but they should have made that clearer.
They should.
They bloody should.
Hello, Oregon.
Are you awake? Uh? Yeah, are you awake? Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm awake.
Cool.
Can I borrow your statement thing? What? I won't copy it, necessarily.
I just want to read it for inspiration.
OK.
It's just It's meant to be a personal statement about what you think of the syllabus and I know, it's just, it's late, if I had a wrap of speed and a little bag of weed and some proper coffee and some Pro Plus and Night Nurse and some mushrooms and some books, I could bang out a statement in half an hour and it would be brilliant.
But I don't.
I might have Strepsils somewhere.
Yeah, but I'm still a bit pissed, and I can't think of why I want to do English right now.
I thought I should probably put something about books.
This isn't a big deal for you, is it? What? No.
No.
It's not like I spent any time on it or anything.
I whacked it out watching TV.
I haven't even read it.
Why read something if you've written it? Can I just see it, mate? Yeah.
Cheers.
Oh Uh-huh Yeah.
Loads of these look like the same reasons why I picked English too.
Um Josie.
Yeah? Do you think as you've got your femidom, I might be able to take off my condom? Oh, I dunno.
Erm, belt and braces, you know.
Better safe than sorry? It's just, with both, it feels like we're double-bagging.
Hm? Cucumber's already in the shopping bag, maybe we could take it out of the cellophane? Right.
It's just I'm finding it quite hard to, you know, split the atom.
Would you mind, you know, talking? Oh, right, OK.
Hump me with your mega-cock.
THE STRANGLERS: No More Heroes Whatever happened to Leon Trotsky He got an ice pick So you changing a lot? Oh, yeah.
The tutor's never going to know I read yours.
Cool.
So what are you changing? Everything.
The font.
The words, the name, the stuff.
Cool.
It's great, cos I don't want to get chucked off my scam.
Your scam? Officer bursary.
RAF.
Only bit of the forces where a woman trains to kill a man.
Obviously.
Sweet.
Yeah.
I was thinking I might go into new media but the air force would probably be the other option.
Thought I might write another statement.
For a laugh.
And in case he thinks that I've copied you.
It's only twenty past three.
I've got hours.
I'd feel bad if I was making you do another one.
What? No.
I'm just sparking.
I'm vibing.
Right.
But If you're going to hand a new one in, I might like, just, put my name on the one you've already written? Yeah, that would be cool.
Yeah, why not? Cos it'd be stupid us both staying up.
I might get some sleep.
Don't work too hard.
I won't! BIRDSONG SNORING Hey, Jamie? Guess what? I'm in the game.
Currently behind enemy lines.
I, my friend, am a certified vagina miner! DOOR OPENS Morning.
Morning.
Last night was fun.
I guess we should both call our parents and talk about how and when we're going to get married.
Er yeah.
I'm kidding! No, I need to get going.
There is a breakfast offered as part of the service but it's continental.
Grab a Ryvita and fuck off! Off I fuck! No, seriously, I'll get my shit together and be out of your hair.
Just need to work out where it is that I'm going.
Where am I now? 28 Hartnell.
Yeah, how do I get to Hartnell? No, you're in Hartnell.
No, I'm going to Hartnell.
No, you're at 28 Hartnell.
That's why I said 28 Hartnell.
No, look, you've got confused.
I was late applying for halls, so they've put me in one of the university houses.
This is 28 Hartnell? This is 28 Hartnell.
Oh.
Fuck.
Yo, it's the Pussyman.
Huh.
More often, people actually just call me K.
So congratulations.
First night.
Two of the team slammed and banged, am I right? Two lumps for my humps.
Oh, wow! Did you? Well a gentleman, doesn't like to you know.
(LAUGHS) Well, I'm afraid, I it didn't happen.
We were walking home, and he started rugby-tackling a bollard, and I was like, "Dude, even for a starter lay, I have standards!" But I thought I heard sex noise? No.
That might have been material I was watching on the internet too loud? That can happen.
BUZZER What's with the mega bowl? Blinner.
Breakfast, lunch and dinner.
I don't have time for this multiple meal bullshit.
Number Seven's here! All right! JP's the name.
Learnin', drinkin' and shaggin's the game! Fuck me! It's Knutsford! Agricultural engineering not a big enough canvas for your huge stylings? Yeah, I actually changed.
They were full.
So Geology.
But anyway, it'll all be rocks.
I'm Josie.
Oh, hello, Josie, I'm JP.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, JP, I'm Josie.
You said.
Good.
Right.
Well, I'm going to go put my items up in my room.
It's him from the pub Mr Safe Pair Of Hands.
Yeah, it's him, but I don't think we need to mention it, cos like I said, nothing happened.
Hey! Did you finish the statement? Yeah.
Got three hours sleep too, so that's cool.
Um.
OK, right.
I've just had a look at my so-called room and I'd like to call a little house meeting.
So, eh house meeting?! Right, my room.
It's squalid, it's small, it's ridiculously small.
I mean, is it a joke? Is it like a joke room? I mean your room looks lovely, so, I mean can I have it? No.
Why don't you swap with Howard downstairs? Because his room is horrible.
I've looked at all the rooms, apart from the one at the top which is locked, and they're all nicer than mine, except Howard's which is horrible.
How long have you been in there? Maybe you should get a promotion.
I'm quite content.
I do not wish to be part of these negotiations.
The nicest room in the house is the attic which I believe is yours? So, if I were to give you money, can I have it? No, no, come on now! How much? Oh, no, you can't just 20 quid a week, hush money, we swap rooms.
Deal.
No, absolutely not.
You can't just muscle in here! Can it, Karl Marx, we've made a deal.
If you don't like it, you can fuck off to China.
No, no.
Look, mate, you can't just muscle in here and start throwing your weight around, OK? Relax, all right? It's not like I'm trying to hump anyone with my mega-cock, is it? We made a deal.
She's happy, I'm happy.
Although I also need priority boarding to the attic bathroom.
Fine with me.
I have strong objections! All right, Knutsford.
How about I also agree to pay for Sky+ HD with Sport and Movies? My moral objections have largely been addressed.
Elvis was a hero to most But he never meant shit to me You see, straight out racist That sucker was simple and plain Motherfuck him and John Wayne Cos I'm black and I'm proud and I'm ready, I'm hyped Plus I'm amped Most of my heroes don't appear on no stamps Fight the power JP ugh! What a dick! Bet you're glad nothing happened.
Am I ever! I mean, dude, am I ever! I mean, do you think we should do something? Kill him and stuff him with his own pate? No, do you want to live with someone like that? No, I don't, but what can we do? Maybe we should deal with it early on, you know, say, "This isn't right for us, it's not right for you, sling your hook.
" What, just ask him to leave? I dunno.
I mean, I talk a good game, but I very rarely tell people what I think to their face.
Kings! Hey, Kingsley! Great to see you! We should go.
The girl you got with last night? Not even a hello? Wow, you really are The Pussyman.
Look.
She was crazy into me, is the truth, and I just don't need that shit, so Is this a Christian thing? Erm yeah, yeah, it is.
Well, last night, she was worshipping at the temple of Hey, Kings! Have you got your card? There was a problem with the standing order? Oh, was there? How unusual? I'll give HSBC a piece of my mind! Cos I wondered if you were having doubts about your involvement? No, no.
God, no.
What you said last night was great, about Jesus being a What was it? Erm that he was like a superhero? With his powers and his sort of costume.
Um, sorry? Oh, sorry.
Look The truth is, nothing happened.
She doesn't she didn't fancy me.
She was just trying to save my soul.
What a bitch! Yeah, I thought so.
It was going well until she said that she believes, quite strongly, that sexual impulses are sent by Satan to lure us into a trap, which ends with our souls frying like bacon for eternity.
So, she tricked you? You should be ashamed! Sorry? Targeting a lonely, sexually frustrated guy, just cos you've picked out the weak antelope in the herd? I think it's more like they target power brokers? Opinion formers? He was interested.
No, he was not! You snared him in, because because well, because you're hot, OK? That's a fact.
I don't find you hot, but the fact is you are hot, OK? So, there you go.
Fuck you! (HOWARD) Occupied! What? This room is occupied.
Do not enter.
We've been over this.
It's my bathroom! I never gave my consent.
I'm coming in.
No.
Do not come in! I object! Objection overruled.
Use the civilian bog.
No.
I have common law access rights.
You're squatting! You are literally squatting on my property! Possession is nine-tenths of the law.
Well, how long are you going to be? I may be some time.
Right, fine.
Well I can handle it if you can handle it.
I can take it if you can take it.
Oh I can take it.
Then we're both happy.
RUNS WATER (GRUNTS) PLOP! Oh! I can't take it! But only because I was not brought up in squalor, Howard! You'll pay for using my humanity against me, you beast! Come on, come on in.
Meat for the grinder this way.
Send in the fresh meat for the grinder! Now, before we begin, can I just make a rather difficult announcement? You will hear a lot of rumours in this department.
A lot of shittle-tattle.
But whatever you hear, or have heard about me and my relationships with human beings, is very unlikely to be true.
OK? Good.
So Your statements of intent.
Excellent.
You're not going to read them?! I've filed them for reading later.
But I feel we can now move on to the actual (COCKNEY ACCENT) readin' and discussin' of the books.
So, on to the big questions.
Harriet Beecher Stowe and Henry David Thoreau.
Why do they rhyme? (COCKNEY) And what's with all the bleedin' names? But sorry.
Some of us might have spent quite a while writing those.
And what would I have gleaned from reading your in sights on the course, missy? I There's too much weight given to novelists, and you ignore poetry and playwrights.
You go, girl! Head Girl's got her vibe on.
Tell you what.
Do me 2,000 more words on that, and we'll see.
How do I know you'll read that? You won't.
Exciting, isn't it? So what am I going to use for a reason? I don't know.
"You're not of our kind, JP? "We don't play bridge or kill strippers here.
You'll get bored.
" I think if I'm actually going to do this, afterwards, I'll need carbohydrates.
What do you reckon? Carb crawl? I know.
Is that a thing you do? JP did it when I was asleep as revenge.
But it's not an issue.
No? It's his ink, it has no thing to do with my face.
OK.
See you at the kebab shop at seven.
OK.
Hey, dude.
Hey, it's Knutsford.
The K-man! Mind if I hang with you for a bit, bro? No problemo.
Yeah.
So dick-drawing on a fellow housemate - was that cool? Pen cocks are going to happen, mate.
It's just part of living together.
I guess.
So, look, there was something I So, what do you reckon? About the house? Our harem? The quim in which we swim.
Do you want to, maybe, draw up some spheres of influence? JP, there was something I wanted to talk to you about.
It's difficult Can I have Oregon? What? Er, yeah.
I mean, no.
I mean, isn't that up to her? Yeah, I guess we should toss for first pick.
You can have Vod.
Look, what I wanted to say was about you living here As it turns out, there are a few complications.
Yeah? Yeah, um, the thing is my brother, who's unfortunately, he's not right, in the nut.
And he wants to come here to study Psychology in the hope that that might improve his situation.
Obviously, there's only room for seven You trying to dump me again? No.
Not at all.
It's just mightn't you be happier in We're Hufflepuff, here.
Wouldn't you be happier in Slytherin? I'm not a fucking witch, Kingsley! Do you want me to dick you? Don't dick me.
Try to move me out, I'll dick you.
It's just, we're not going to be doing so many Flaming Ferraris or wanking on biscuits or Not that I'm saying that's all you do, necessarily.
Oh, I get it.
This has come from Josie, hasn't it? What? No.
Why? Look, I'm not moving out just cos we nailed one out.
Excuse me? Yeah, I banged Josie.
Knocked her off early.
She was my sorbet.
Your sorbet? She cleansed my palate.
Yeah, we hooked up last night.
She wants to keep it on the down low, which is cool by me.
Don't get me wrong, she's a good starter lay, nice to get in the bank.
But, really, I'm looking for a better return on my investment.
The seed is gold, my friend.
And the price of gold goes up in a crisis! Later, potater.
THUNDER RUMBLES Hello? Hello.
Er did you forget? Where were you, man? Yeah, the carb crawl.
I thought you might be having some protein instead? Yeah? Yeah, like eating JP's big dong again.
What? I'm kidding, Josie.
I'm joking.
Ha-ha-ha.
Yeah? Oh, right, yeah.
That's really funny.
ELLIOTT SMITH: Waltz 2(XO) Tell Mr Man With impossible plans To just leave me alone In the place Where I make no mistakes (WHISPERS) Oh, yeah.
In the place where I have What it takes I'm never gonna know you now But I'm gonna love you anyhow I'm never gonna know you now But I'm gonna love you anyhow I'm never gonna know you now But I'm gonna love you anyhow.
Hello? I was er um, was on my hand.
What? (CLEARS THROAT) I just haven't spoken to another human being in some time.
Wind drying.
Peking ducks.
Right.
Sorry.
I've just got used to wearing trousers of the mind.
Well, maybe you should tuck your cock away while I make us a nice cup of tea? Ah! Ah! Hello, sorry.
Er, wow.
We can, er Right through? Weird, yeah? Who knew a student house would come with its very own glory hole! What's a glory hole? Oh, it's nothing.
It's silly.
Forget it.
Just something I heard.
Definitely heard it before.
Are you Googling? Don't Google Oh! No, right.
I can see now.
That is definitely glorious.
Yes, well, not every glory hole has to be used for that.
They can also be used for Kingsley.
Josie.
So, you're a coffee man? Woman.
The Coffster! Yep.
Coffee.
I'm mental for my coffee.
Seriously, It's like a problem.
You've got your tea? It's tea for me.
You're the mystery woman.
Impossible to pin down.
So, did you arrive, like, yesterday? Try two years ago.
And did all your mates move on? That is what we must assume.
So Look at us all.
In a year, we might be like, "God, we all missed out on halls, "got put into a uni house "and remember when we had that first cup of tea?" Very good.
I suppose it falls to me to guide you through the secrets of your new abode.
Chest freezer, self-explanatory.
Basic item.
Washing machine, ditto, yadda yadda yadda.
The dry washing machine.
Pointless.
Fucked.
This This isn't It's a tumble drier.
That's a good place to crouch.
If you're fearful of, like, ghosties, or local youths, or chemical or biological warfare.
Yeah.
That's a sweet crouching spot.
So, what course are you doing? Oh, dentistry.
And you? Geology.
Paul Lamb.
What I've deduced from the evidence since his arrival yesterday.
Loves cumin, hates society, uses Imperial Leather in moderation, toilet paper in excess.
Never yet sighted in person.
Paul Lamb, the invisible man.
Water will accumulate like that after a big rain.
That's classic.
Seen that 1,000 times, my friends.
That's enough, Speccy Gandalf.
Time to lead us to the fucking pub.
So, what did you do in your year off? I didn't have a year off.
Tell me about it! Wish I'd had a year off.
I thought you said you had a year off.
In Vietnam? The spider monkey that could do a scalp massage? Oh, yeah.
No, but it was hardcore.
More like a year on than a year off.
I did six months working in a fish factory in Arbroath.
So, you must know a lot about fish.
Yeah.
One day soon, all the fish will be gone from the sea.
Let me tell you, I'll be the first one out on the streets celebrating.
Finally.
Fucking victory! Psst! Hello.
Hey, buddy.
Do you want to come in here? Don't worry, dude.
I'm not a fucking bender.
And I'm not a homophobe, so we're both good.
See you later.
Come on! Freebies.
Get your schnozz in here.
Yeah, what is it? Coke.
Come on.
Pretty sure it's coke.
I mean, it's from a guy, so it should be coke.
You can go first.
If it isn't coke, then just say.
Hello.
Could I have one twentieth of your pint, please? Should nail something tonight, right? This place is crawling with quality anus.
Excuse me, may I suck on your teat? I was going to get the lemon tickler, but they're out so just went with natural.
Who needs flavours anyway? My cock already tastes amazing! I imagine.
Hello.
Could I have one twentieth of your pint please? Fuck off, mate.
Is the correct answer.
But look what the suckers donated.
What is this? Port and vodka.
Baileys.
At Stowe, we called it The Stoweminator.
I should probably get back to my friends.
OK, cool.
You know if you'd like any fruit from the pussy tree, cameraphone that shit up, Bluetooth my ass.
Wank swap! Sounds fun! Well, we should probably meet up tomorrow for lunch or something, you know? Get a motherfucking baked potato? Right, dude? Er, yeah! Yeah, although I can't make that, I came to the wrong thing.
I'm at Knutsford, doing agricultural engineering.
So, it's been amazing and I've got to go to Knutsford, so laters.
Will you at least see if this coke is poisonous? Shall we talk to women? This place is crawling with quality human beings.
Women like that aren't for likes of us.
Us? She'd sniff us out.
She'd sense the fear.
Nah.
I reckon I could easily slide in there.
Vibe it out.
Easy to say, 10 to 15 feet away from her body.
But you couldn't actually talk to her.
Course I could! Back home, they call me the Pussyman.
People refer to you as the Pussyman? Yes.
"Would the Pussyman like some cashew nuts?" "Yes please, the Pussyman adores cashew nuts!" Look, you get the drinks.
Fuck it, I'll see if Josie wants to No, Josie's taken.
Pow, pa-pow-pow! Oh, for fuck's sake! A book.
Nice.
So, you into books and that? Yeah, I suppose I am.
Cool, I'm a bit of a booky and that myself.
Love them words.
Us bookies should stick together.
Nightmare, isn't it? Hi, I'm Howard.
This is my friend The Pu Person Who Goes By The Name Of Kingsley.
Rachel.
Anyway, bollocks to me.
It's all about you.
I bet you're from somewhere normal, like Coventry.
Aberbeeg.
Exactly.
Somewhere like that.
Brilliant.
Re-charge! Sorry! Take a drink from a magic potion Soon you're going to really feel fine Upon my soul I feel fine What do you think of Kingsley? I like Kingsley.
I like Kingsley.
Don't shit where you eat.
Oh, God, I don't "like him" like him.
I just like him.
Oh, I know, me neither.
Exactly.
Anyway, I think he's pulled, not that I even care.
Course he has.
First night's a freebie.
Are you girls banging tonight? Er? I dunno? Are you? Maybe.
I like to strap one on early, get one under the belt.
But that's just me.
Of course.
Some good-looking guys here.
And girls.
Oh, yeah.
Totally.
So.
What A levels did you do? (LAUGHS) Oh.
I'm sorry.
It's cool.
It's just I know! I'm sorry.
I don't even know why I asked.
Don't worry.
It's fine.
It's just a bit lame.
Oh, God! Am I incredibly lame? Don't worry about it, sweetheart.
It's not lame.
It's just I didn't do any A levels.
I took my exams out of the barrel of a gun.
Yeah.
Besides.
Lameness comes out in the wash.
Just got to scrub it off with booze and spliff and pussy and cock.
So then Mum started having seizures and I had to stay in the flat to look after her.
Me and Mum, that's been the last five years.
Sorry, I'm gabbling.
When you asked about the crisps, I got on a roll.
I'm gabbling again.
No, it's amazing.
I just had to do it.
I meant until I came here.
What, eventually you just said, "fuck you, I'm going"? What? No! God, no.
Now she has a dog who looks after her.
A dog? It's trained to tell when she's about to have a fit.
It must have been difficult for you.
I guess, but on the plus side, you're aware of the fragility of people, how much we all need each other.
I'm just with some friends, but I might get my bag and may be we could grab a seat? Oh, yeah, great, yeah.
Yum, yum, yum.
What? She ate that up, you filthy beast.
What? The bullshit.
She ate it all down.
That wasn't bullshit.
The five years in the council flat? The fits? The wasted youth? The dog? No.
That's all for real.
Wow.
Then that is pretty gay, man.
How is looking after my mum gay? If I was humping her, and she wasn't my mum and she was a man, that might have been gay.
So, have either of you got boyfriends at home or? Nah.
National Express doesn't even go to Belmarsh, so, you know? No.
Thank God.
My sister says you're on the phone the first year, you break up and second year's like first year and third year's like your second year but with the hot guys nailed, you're left on the shelf if there was one, which there isn't.
So, nightmare, this statement bullshit, right? Oh, yeah.
Too right.
What statement? The 1,000-word "Why English?" statement for tomorrow? Oh, no.
I've been off-grid.
I haven't done any laundry since June.
Seriously, when I saw squeezy Marmite I freaked my nut.
Maybe I might strap a guy on for the night? Do it.
He looks like a safe pair of hands.
Clean.
A washer.
I'm not sure I totally liked him but Whoa, You don't want to get into "liking".
First night, starter lay - strictly business.
I was thinking of heading back to my place.
Fine.
Understood.
No But wondered if you fancied coming? Well, sure! Great! I'll go and say goodbye.
Sure.
Don't do this.
This does not happen.
It's a trap.
It's not a trap, Howard, it's just how the Pussyman rolls.
Your kidneys are going on eBay.
She's going to eat you.
And not in the good way.
OK.
Right.
Good.
Here we go.
Can't just wait around forever like a silver ring ming.
So, time to load up and strap on! OK.
Yeah.
She's doing it.
That's cool.
So what A levels did you do? Maths, chemistry and physics.
They call it the nut buster.
Paul, is that you? Where's my wine? Shall we say "yo"? Er Nah, let's not say "yo" right now.
So, here we are.
You, me, a mattress.
Well, let's do this thing! Uh There's no sheet.
Do you mind if I Could we put a sheet on? Yeah, that's cool.
Totally cool.
It's got elasticated corners so it won't take very long.
If you take that end No problemo.
Oh.
Sorry, yanked a bit too hard there.
It's fine.
I promise I won't yank too hard on your breasts.
It's a nice sheet.
High motherfuckin' thread count, hey? Yeah.
Egyptian cotton.
There was a deal on if you bought the pillowcase and duvet set, although when we got to the till that only applied to a single duvet set but they should have made that clearer.
They should.
They bloody should.
Hello, Oregon.
Are you awake? Uh? Yeah, are you awake? Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm awake.
Cool.
Can I borrow your statement thing? What? I won't copy it, necessarily.
I just want to read it for inspiration.
OK.
It's just It's meant to be a personal statement about what you think of the syllabus and I know, it's just, it's late, if I had a wrap of speed and a little bag of weed and some proper coffee and some Pro Plus and Night Nurse and some mushrooms and some books, I could bang out a statement in half an hour and it would be brilliant.
But I don't.
I might have Strepsils somewhere.
Yeah, but I'm still a bit pissed, and I can't think of why I want to do English right now.
I thought I should probably put something about books.
This isn't a big deal for you, is it? What? No.
No.
It's not like I spent any time on it or anything.
I whacked it out watching TV.
I haven't even read it.
Why read something if you've written it? Can I just see it, mate? Yeah.
Cheers.
Oh Uh-huh Yeah.
Loads of these look like the same reasons why I picked English too.
Um Josie.
Yeah? Do you think as you've got your femidom, I might be able to take off my condom? Oh, I dunno.
Erm, belt and braces, you know.
Better safe than sorry? It's just, with both, it feels like we're double-bagging.
Hm? Cucumber's already in the shopping bag, maybe we could take it out of the cellophane? Right.
It's just I'm finding it quite hard to, you know, split the atom.
Would you mind, you know, talking? Oh, right, OK.
Hump me with your mega-cock.
THE STRANGLERS: No More Heroes Whatever happened to Leon Trotsky He got an ice pick So you changing a lot? Oh, yeah.
The tutor's never going to know I read yours.
Cool.
So what are you changing? Everything.
The font.
The words, the name, the stuff.
Cool.
It's great, cos I don't want to get chucked off my scam.
Your scam? Officer bursary.
RAF.
Only bit of the forces where a woman trains to kill a man.
Obviously.
Sweet.
Yeah.
I was thinking I might go into new media but the air force would probably be the other option.
Thought I might write another statement.
For a laugh.
And in case he thinks that I've copied you.
It's only twenty past three.
I've got hours.
I'd feel bad if I was making you do another one.
What? No.
I'm just sparking.
I'm vibing.
Right.
But If you're going to hand a new one in, I might like, just, put my name on the one you've already written? Yeah, that would be cool.
Yeah, why not? Cos it'd be stupid us both staying up.
I might get some sleep.
Don't work too hard.
I won't! BIRDSONG SNORING Hey, Jamie? Guess what? I'm in the game.
Currently behind enemy lines.
I, my friend, am a certified vagina miner! DOOR OPENS Morning.
Morning.
Last night was fun.
I guess we should both call our parents and talk about how and when we're going to get married.
Er yeah.
I'm kidding! No, I need to get going.
There is a breakfast offered as part of the service but it's continental.
Grab a Ryvita and fuck off! Off I fuck! No, seriously, I'll get my shit together and be out of your hair.
Just need to work out where it is that I'm going.
Where am I now? 28 Hartnell.
Yeah, how do I get to Hartnell? No, you're in Hartnell.
No, I'm going to Hartnell.
No, you're at 28 Hartnell.
That's why I said 28 Hartnell.
No, look, you've got confused.
I was late applying for halls, so they've put me in one of the university houses.
This is 28 Hartnell? This is 28 Hartnell.
Oh.
Fuck.
Yo, it's the Pussyman.
Huh.
More often, people actually just call me K.
So congratulations.
First night.
Two of the team slammed and banged, am I right? Two lumps for my humps.
Oh, wow! Did you? Well a gentleman, doesn't like to you know.
(LAUGHS) Well, I'm afraid, I it didn't happen.
We were walking home, and he started rugby-tackling a bollard, and I was like, "Dude, even for a starter lay, I have standards!" But I thought I heard sex noise? No.
That might have been material I was watching on the internet too loud? That can happen.
BUZZER What's with the mega bowl? Blinner.
Breakfast, lunch and dinner.
I don't have time for this multiple meal bullshit.
Number Seven's here! All right! JP's the name.
Learnin', drinkin' and shaggin's the game! Fuck me! It's Knutsford! Agricultural engineering not a big enough canvas for your huge stylings? Yeah, I actually changed.
They were full.
So Geology.
But anyway, it'll all be rocks.
I'm Josie.
Oh, hello, Josie, I'm JP.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, JP, I'm Josie.
You said.
Good.
Right.
Well, I'm going to go put my items up in my room.
It's him from the pub Mr Safe Pair Of Hands.
Yeah, it's him, but I don't think we need to mention it, cos like I said, nothing happened.
Hey! Did you finish the statement? Yeah.
Got three hours sleep too, so that's cool.
Um.
OK, right.
I've just had a look at my so-called room and I'd like to call a little house meeting.
So, eh house meeting?! Right, my room.
It's squalid, it's small, it's ridiculously small.
I mean, is it a joke? Is it like a joke room? I mean your room looks lovely, so, I mean can I have it? No.
Why don't you swap with Howard downstairs? Because his room is horrible.
I've looked at all the rooms, apart from the one at the top which is locked, and they're all nicer than mine, except Howard's which is horrible.
How long have you been in there? Maybe you should get a promotion.
I'm quite content.
I do not wish to be part of these negotiations.
The nicest room in the house is the attic which I believe is yours? So, if I were to give you money, can I have it? No, no, come on now! How much? Oh, no, you can't just 20 quid a week, hush money, we swap rooms.
Deal.
No, absolutely not.
You can't just muscle in here! Can it, Karl Marx, we've made a deal.
If you don't like it, you can fuck off to China.
No, no.
Look, mate, you can't just muscle in here and start throwing your weight around, OK? Relax, all right? It's not like I'm trying to hump anyone with my mega-cock, is it? We made a deal.
She's happy, I'm happy.
Although I also need priority boarding to the attic bathroom.
Fine with me.
I have strong objections! All right, Knutsford.
How about I also agree to pay for Sky+ HD with Sport and Movies? My moral objections have largely been addressed.
Elvis was a hero to most But he never meant shit to me You see, straight out racist That sucker was simple and plain Motherfuck him and John Wayne Cos I'm black and I'm proud and I'm ready, I'm hyped Plus I'm amped Most of my heroes don't appear on no stamps Fight the power JP ugh! What a dick! Bet you're glad nothing happened.
Am I ever! I mean, dude, am I ever! I mean, do you think we should do something? Kill him and stuff him with his own pate? No, do you want to live with someone like that? No, I don't, but what can we do? Maybe we should deal with it early on, you know, say, "This isn't right for us, it's not right for you, sling your hook.
" What, just ask him to leave? I dunno.
I mean, I talk a good game, but I very rarely tell people what I think to their face.
Kings! Hey, Kingsley! Great to see you! We should go.
The girl you got with last night? Not even a hello? Wow, you really are The Pussyman.
Look.
She was crazy into me, is the truth, and I just don't need that shit, so Is this a Christian thing? Erm yeah, yeah, it is.
Well, last night, she was worshipping at the temple of Hey, Kings! Have you got your card? There was a problem with the standing order? Oh, was there? How unusual? I'll give HSBC a piece of my mind! Cos I wondered if you were having doubts about your involvement? No, no.
God, no.
What you said last night was great, about Jesus being a What was it? Erm that he was like a superhero? With his powers and his sort of costume.
Um, sorry? Oh, sorry.
Look The truth is, nothing happened.
She doesn't she didn't fancy me.
She was just trying to save my soul.
What a bitch! Yeah, I thought so.
It was going well until she said that she believes, quite strongly, that sexual impulses are sent by Satan to lure us into a trap, which ends with our souls frying like bacon for eternity.
So, she tricked you? You should be ashamed! Sorry? Targeting a lonely, sexually frustrated guy, just cos you've picked out the weak antelope in the herd? I think it's more like they target power brokers? Opinion formers? He was interested.
No, he was not! You snared him in, because because well, because you're hot, OK? That's a fact.
I don't find you hot, but the fact is you are hot, OK? So, there you go.
Fuck you! (HOWARD) Occupied! What? This room is occupied.
Do not enter.
We've been over this.
It's my bathroom! I never gave my consent.
I'm coming in.
No.
Do not come in! I object! Objection overruled.
Use the civilian bog.
No.
I have common law access rights.
You're squatting! You are literally squatting on my property! Possession is nine-tenths of the law.
Well, how long are you going to be? I may be some time.
Right, fine.
Well I can handle it if you can handle it.
I can take it if you can take it.
Oh I can take it.
Then we're both happy.
RUNS WATER (GRUNTS) PLOP! Oh! I can't take it! But only because I was not brought up in squalor, Howard! You'll pay for using my humanity against me, you beast! Come on, come on in.
Meat for the grinder this way.
Send in the fresh meat for the grinder! Now, before we begin, can I just make a rather difficult announcement? You will hear a lot of rumours in this department.
A lot of shittle-tattle.
But whatever you hear, or have heard about me and my relationships with human beings, is very unlikely to be true.
OK? Good.
So Your statements of intent.
Excellent.
You're not going to read them?! I've filed them for reading later.
But I feel we can now move on to the actual (COCKNEY ACCENT) readin' and discussin' of the books.
So, on to the big questions.
Harriet Beecher Stowe and Henry David Thoreau.
Why do they rhyme? (COCKNEY) And what's with all the bleedin' names? But sorry.
Some of us might have spent quite a while writing those.
And what would I have gleaned from reading your in sights on the course, missy? I There's too much weight given to novelists, and you ignore poetry and playwrights.
You go, girl! Head Girl's got her vibe on.
Tell you what.
Do me 2,000 more words on that, and we'll see.
How do I know you'll read that? You won't.
Exciting, isn't it? So what am I going to use for a reason? I don't know.
"You're not of our kind, JP? "We don't play bridge or kill strippers here.
You'll get bored.
" I think if I'm actually going to do this, afterwards, I'll need carbohydrates.
What do you reckon? Carb crawl? I know.
Is that a thing you do? JP did it when I was asleep as revenge.
But it's not an issue.
No? It's his ink, it has no thing to do with my face.
OK.
See you at the kebab shop at seven.
OK.
Hey, dude.
Hey, it's Knutsford.
The K-man! Mind if I hang with you for a bit, bro? No problemo.
Yeah.
So dick-drawing on a fellow housemate - was that cool? Pen cocks are going to happen, mate.
It's just part of living together.
I guess.
So, look, there was something I So, what do you reckon? About the house? Our harem? The quim in which we swim.
Do you want to, maybe, draw up some spheres of influence? JP, there was something I wanted to talk to you about.
It's difficult Can I have Oregon? What? Er, yeah.
I mean, no.
I mean, isn't that up to her? Yeah, I guess we should toss for first pick.
You can have Vod.
Look, what I wanted to say was about you living here As it turns out, there are a few complications.
Yeah? Yeah, um, the thing is my brother, who's unfortunately, he's not right, in the nut.
And he wants to come here to study Psychology in the hope that that might improve his situation.
Obviously, there's only room for seven You trying to dump me again? No.
Not at all.
It's just mightn't you be happier in We're Hufflepuff, here.
Wouldn't you be happier in Slytherin? I'm not a fucking witch, Kingsley! Do you want me to dick you? Don't dick me.
Try to move me out, I'll dick you.
It's just, we're not going to be doing so many Flaming Ferraris or wanking on biscuits or Not that I'm saying that's all you do, necessarily.
Oh, I get it.
This has come from Josie, hasn't it? What? No.
Why? Look, I'm not moving out just cos we nailed one out.
Excuse me? Yeah, I banged Josie.
Knocked her off early.
She was my sorbet.
Your sorbet? She cleansed my palate.
Yeah, we hooked up last night.
She wants to keep it on the down low, which is cool by me.
Don't get me wrong, she's a good starter lay, nice to get in the bank.
But, really, I'm looking for a better return on my investment.
The seed is gold, my friend.
And the price of gold goes up in a crisis! Later, potater.
THUNDER RUMBLES Hello? Hello.
Er did you forget? Where were you, man? Yeah, the carb crawl.
I thought you might be having some protein instead? Yeah? Yeah, like eating JP's big dong again.
What? I'm kidding, Josie.
I'm joking.
Ha-ha-ha.
Yeah? Oh, right, yeah.
That's really funny.
ELLIOTT SMITH: Waltz 2(XO) Tell Mr Man With impossible plans To just leave me alone In the place Where I make no mistakes (WHISPERS) Oh, yeah.
In the place where I have What it takes I'm never gonna know you now But I'm gonna love you anyhow I'm never gonna know you now But I'm gonna love you anyhow I'm never gonna know you now But I'm gonna love you anyhow.