Friends from College (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

[belt buckle rattles.]
- [Sam.]
No, wait.
Okay.
- [Ethan.]
Alright, I got it.
- Yeah, okay.
- You know what? [Ethan groans.]
- Put me back down.
- What? - Put me down.
- Why? Because I don't like it when you grimace.
Can you see how that's insulting? No, I'm grimacing from pleasure.
You don't make that face when we're in bed.
Put me down.
- I'm trying to get some purchase.
- Put me down.
- Okay.
I promise, I'm sorry.
- Okay.
- Alright.
- Okay, there we go.
That's harder, that's a bad angle.
Oh, no! Jesus.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
What happened? It's okay.
You kneed me in the vagina, just a little bit.
- I kneed you? I'm sorry.
- Just a little bit.
- Go get a condom.
- Okay.
- Shit.
- Dude! Get in here! - Alrighty.
Guess what - Yeah, come here.
I am out, so we can skip just this once.
No, we can't.
You have been trying that line on me for two decades, literally since freshman year.
- Yeah, because it works.
- No, it's never worked once.
Okay, what are the chances that you Let me put it You're not menopaused are you? What the fuck is wrong with you? People menopause at different times, you could easily be menopaused.
Can you stop saying "menopaused".
I'm not a DVD player.
It should be menostopped, not menopaused.
It's not either, it's not a verb.
It's just that we find ourselves in a very tricky situation here.
If only three to five dollars could solve it.
- [Dash.]
My turn! - [boy.]
I don't care.
My turn! Give it to me now! - My turn! - No, it's not.
I said it's my turn, you cunt! Holy shit.
- [boy.]
Mine! - Dash, this language is [cell phone rings.]
Okay, here we are, ta-da, penis covers.
I have to fly home to New York, I'm going standby.
- No.
What happened? - It's not a big deal, but I have to go.
We've got some shit to talk about.
There's something I really need to tell you.
Are you in love with me? Are you leaving your wife? Should I leave Jon? I'm sorry, I'm just really stressed about Dash.
- Is he okay? - Yeah, he's fine.
But his school wants me there.
How about if we talk about that when I'm back in Chicago for work on the 14th? Or we could talk about it in the beginning of September when I'm in New York for the rest of my life because Lisa and I are moving there.
What? Why? For a decade, I've been dragging Lisa around for teaching jobs and she was ready to come back home.
So, reunion, right? The friend group is back! Yes! Well this is over.
Yes.
I was going to say that.
I think that that's best, so So where are we now? [horns honking.]
[Ethan.]
Is everything from the waist down just a swamp for you over there? Yes.
I feel like I'm wearing more clothes than a man should wear.
[Lisa.]
Let's get out of here.
What is happening? Are we waiting for this truck to unload? [male driver.]
Who taught you how to drive? You stupid motherfucker! [horn honks repeatedly.]
Do not make eye contact.
- I'm begging you not to - Don't talk to my husband like that.
- Come and say that to my face! - [Ethan.]
Don't come here.
Fuck you! I am an attorney, sir! Watch your fucking mouth! - Fuck you! - [mimics driver.]
Fuck you! Oh, fuck you! Fuck you back, you moron! [Ethan.]
Honey, you got him.
Can we just Honey, please.
I'm sorry, sir.
I apologize.
Fuck you, too! Drive, you jackass! [horn blares.]
Thank you for your service.
- [Lisa.]
He's just a fucking cab driver.
- What? I know.
It's not even our fault, there's a fucking car - I know.
What's going on with you? - I'm fine.
I think I'm just anxious to see everybody.
I'm just You know, whenever we get together, it gets so competitive and immature.
What? With our friends? Why would that happen? They're only our best friends.
What can possibly go wrong? We've got 20 years of grievances built up and ready to explode.
Now this guy's pulling out.
Look at this character! [excited screaming.]
- [Lisa.]
Marianne! - Finally! We're here! [cheering.]
We're here! [enthusiastic whooping.]
[Max.]
You remember my partner, Felix? - [Nick.]
Hello.
- [Lisa.]
Nice to see you.
Is this how we're greeting each other now? What's so funny? In college, we used to grab each other's testicles.
- That was kind of our funny hello.
- [Nick.]
Immature, a little bit.
So loud.
- Alright, group photo.
- Yeah! - I'll take it.
- Wait, where's Sam? [Marianne.]
Oh, I don't know.
She said she was gonna be here.
That's weird.
Friend group back together! One, two, three Alright.
- Felix, come in here.
- Yeah, you get in! No, it doesn't make any sense.
Get over here, the happy couple.
There we go.
- Alright, just that.
- Oh, yeah! - [Lisa.]
That's great.
- [Max.]
Good.
- [Marianne.]
Who wants mimosas? - We do! Beers! - It's a lot of energy.
- It's fun.
Very loud.
[Lisa.]
Just a reminder that last week we were professional adults living in a house before we moved here and turned 19 again.
Oh, it's temporary.
Actually, I'm excited about sleeping on a pull-out.
- Yeah? - Yeah! Oh, my goodness, there we are! Wait a second.
Oh, there's the bar.
[Sam.]
So How are Froshy and Ethan? I don't think Lisa loves it when you call her that.
It's flattering.
It was a dig when we were seniors and she was a freshman.
Now it's not.
So it has nothing to do with your affair? Hey, keep it down.
And why do you insist on calling it an affair? Because you're married to other people and having sex with each other.
Ethan was just like a stupid college hook-up that never ended.
And now we've ended it.
You guys had a 20-year run.
That's more than either of your marriages.
Yeah, well, I have accepted that you can't have everything you want all the time.
Ethan and I are done for good.
I swear.
- I hope so.
- What is that supposed to mean? Look, I'm tired of keeping your secret and I hate that you made it my secret, too.
- I just want it to be normal.
- So do I.
Then why didn't you come to brunch? I don't know, okay? Look I don't have a plan here.
This is an impossible situation.
You should just call her.
You're right.
[Sam sighs heavily.]
- Oh, my God! - Froshy, look at you! You're shrinking! You're like the incredible shrinking Froshy! You look so glamorous for a Tuesday afternoon.
Oh, I love you! Come on.
You know who I'm gonna go see tomorrow? Felix.
As in Max's boyfriend, Felix? Professionally, like fertility wise? Yeah.
You guys are trying to have a kid? Well, we're trying.
It's not getting us anywhere, so it's time for science.
Yay! Whoa.
Ethan with a kid, it's hard to imagine.
I know, I think it's hard for him to imagine, too.
Gosh, this bed is so comfortable, I could just fall asleep right here.
I am I am so optimistic for you guys and just feeling so positive about this.
I know what I'm going to do.
I'm going to buy you this bed.
What? Weird.
- Yeah.
Happy housewarming.
- Wait.
No, Sam, that is insane.
- We don't have an apartment yet.
- Too late, bed bought.
Congratulations on your new bed.
Also, let me and Jon take you guys out for dinner tonight.
This is so fun! It's awesome to have you guys here! Raoul! [Max.]
So, first of all, I just have to tell you that I absolutely loved the first 60 pages of Before the Storm.
- Max, thank you so much.
- Loved it.
It's my first stab at a more mainstream thing.
I know I'm very fortunate and blessed, the critics love my books.
I just want someone to read them.
Because we need the money.
Well, anyway I hope it wasn't too corny.
- No! It was the opposite of corny.
- Great, okay.
The idea of exploring race and class through a biracial 18-year-old just months before Hurricane Katrina, but without the drama of the hurricane.
- Right! - It was so you, man, it was so It was so you.
Thank you so much, Max.
So what happens next? I think we're at the end of the road.
What? I think this book is no more.
You should stop writing it.
I'm sorry, what kind of sales strategy is that? Storm is my best seller! That is not the opinion of the rest of the team.
Well, why don't you share with me what the rest of the team has to say? I'm more than open to a little constructive criticism.
Sometimes you get a little [in goofy voice.]
Would you share your thoughts? I love to hear the thoughts.
You do the voices when you're uncomfortable.
Let me explain, sometimes workshopping books, everybody gets on top of each other, it's not a problem.
- I'm getting the opposite feeling.
- Not a problem.
- That it's a huge problem.
- I love to hear the thoughts, though.
- Well I've got them here.
- [in normal voice.]
Yeah.
Okay, Donna, who was in a terrible mood, by the way, she's going through a divorce.
- Please.
- She said really boring.
- She said really boring? - She underlined "really.
" - Makes sense she's getting divorced.
- True.
[goofy voice.]
Keep thoughts a-coming! Alright.
Patel is next up.
He thought it was not entertaining at all.
"I hate this book so much.
" And he put, like, four "O"s.
"Soooo much.
" "I hate this book," he said.
But don't worry about any of this shit.
I have the answer to all your problems.
I got it.
I'm ready.
Two letters.
Y A.
Young Adult.
- I don't think that's for me.
- I don't know.
I do know because I write literary fiction for adults.
Yes, I know, and you've won awards for it.
The Pen/Hemingway and the Pushcart Prize.
Yes, I did.
You won a ton of shit no one's ever heard of.
- Not no one.
- Look, I know this is hard to hear.
But, Ethan, the great American novel is now the massive international young adult series with film rights and merchandising.
That's the future.
Why are you being so agenty right now? Your novels all have teenage protagonists anyway.
So you just have to choose a slightly more exciting genre-y way in.
Okay? Okay, here's one.
Vampires with cancer.
Right? They live forever, they die forever, right? Or work backwards.
Start with a title and then come up with the book.
Here's one.
Deathball.
What's Deathball? I don't know, but it sounds awesome, right? No one survives Deathball.
You and I will crack this.
Like the stuff we wrote together in college.
And it just might become the next massive international success.
[mimics explosion.]
[high-pitched voice.]
Oh, my God! It's amazing! Max, YA is destructive, do you understand? It's about adults who refuse to grow up and instead they read books for kids! It prevents you moving forward and living your life and it is destroying our culture! - So that's a yes? - Yes, fuck you, it's a yes.
Thank you so much for organizing this so last minute.
This is why we moved to New York, right? Yep, friend group.
I found at my last reunion, I didn't have much in common with my Hofstra friends.
Well, we got lucky, because we consider our college friends to be our family.
My family is my family.
[Jon laughs.]
[Jon.]
So, what's your deal? Lisa's an attorney.
You've known her for ten years.
That's okay.
I used to work for the ACLU in Michigan.
What? So you're a bleeding heart? Well, no, not any more.
Now I work as a general counsel for a hedge fund.
- Which one? - Blackstool Group.
- Is that Degrasso's shop? - Yeah, it is.
I like this one.
[Sam.]
Her name is Lisa.
Lisa, Pisa.
Pisa, pizza.
Lisa, Lisa Got it.
We are just so happy you guys are here.
If there's anything we can do to ease the transition, let us know.
- Like maybe buying us a bed? - Oh, my gosh.
I'm sorry, what? [Lisa.]
Sam and Jon bought us a bed today.
We did? Wow.
Thank you.
That was totally unnecessary.
- I agree.
- It's just a little housewarming gift.
- A four poster from Holly Hunt.
- Still weird.
[Sam.]
Anyway, enough about beds.
Yeah, I want to hear what Max said about Storm.
Storm? What is Storm? Storm is this amazing novel that Ethan's been working on for the past two years.
Yeah.
- I don't like fiction.
No offense.
- None taken.
My three favorite books, Liar's Poker, Moneyball and The Big Short.
- So you're a Michael Lewis fan.
- Who's that? - He's the - It's not bestseller stuff, you know.
It's like literary fiction.
There's not a lot of money.
Well, actually Max thinks it's going to be a huge sale.
- Flagship property.
- Really? - Really? - Oh, my God! Honey, that is so amazing! - Thank you, yes.
- I am so proud of you! - It's big money.
- Do you know what? Let's celebrate! You haven't seen our country house.
You should come.
I'll invite everybody to Connecticut.
And I'm not taking no for an answer, Froshy.
This is so great.
Could you believe how hard Ethan was trying to downplay his book? He was clearly so excited about it.
Why can't he just admit it? It's kind of pathetic.
You bought them a bed? Yes.
What is the big deal? I buy beds for people every day.
Yeah, with their money, not ours.
I know you love your college friends, but when you see them, you all become bitches, all the sniping and showing off.
You don't have to show off.
We don't have to compete.
What's the girl's name? Pizza.
- Her name is not Pizza, it's Lisa.
- Right, yeah.
And I'm not competing with them, I'm talking about them, I'm processing.
I'm trying to download with you.
Why won't you do that with me? You make me feel crazy.
They live their lives, we live ours.
It's irrelevant.
I don't spend my time thinking about people other than us.
I think about whether you're happy.
I think about whether our children are happy.
That's what matters to me.
[whistles.]
[giggling.]
Yeah, so, we've been trying, really, for about a year now.
- Yeah.
- A year? That's it? That's not very long.
Why are you here? Well, we haven't used protection in, like, eight years.
- I'd say eight years, yeah.
- Alright.
But that's pretty average, right, for somebody - That's normal, right? - Well, it's good that you're here.
Yeah, right, okay.
And I see you had one pregnancy that was terminated after six weeks.
- Yeah, that was in college.
- It's before my time.
None of your labs look out of the ordinary and your ultrasound looks good.
So we're gonna get to the bottom of this.
- Good, fantastic.
- Amazing.
And in the meantime, maybe stop grabbing each other's balls.
Oh, okay, yes, I'll make a note of that.
No, I was joking.
When we met, you guys had your handshake and you were grabbing each other's balls.
- When you with Max.
- When we met you at Marianne's.
And don't wear a Speedo.
- Right.
- Correct dress.
We will not No, I'm serious, don't wear a Speedo.
Oh, you're saying Okay, that's real.
- Correct.
- We understand now, I think.
Press to change and don't wear a Speedo.
Alright.
[jokingly.]
And don't get in a hot tub! Oh, and before you go I just want to write down the cost of this, after insurance, so we're all on the same page.
If you have any questions, please feel free to let us know, alright? - Mm-hmm.
- [very high-pitched.]
Yeah.
- [even higher.]
Yeah.
- Okay? Alright? Does this include the friends and family discount? - Sure.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Good luck.
We will talk soon.
- Let me know if you have any questions.
- Thank you.
- Bye-bye.
You got it.
- Talk soon.
Oh, and don't get a massage.
- Sorry, who? - What? Don't get a massage? - Right.
- Okay.
That's a joke.
Someone said I was too rigid on a comment card.
- Okay.
- Okay, thank you.
[Felix.]
Okay, this is over.
Goodbye.
No, you didn't, Edward.
I don't know which guy I would choose.
[Sam.]
Why didn't you tell me you and Lisa were trying to have a kid? [Ethan.]
Why did you buy us a bed? Yours, Ethan.
[Sam.]
Why are you sending me texts? Delete immediately.
[Ethan.]
Don't worry, this is Marianne's computer.
Yours, Ethan.
Oh, no! This is Marianne's computer.
Yours, Ethan.
[metal rattling.]
Just the rabbit.
This is so typical of Sam.
We're all here, living in the same city, and yet we have to schlep out to Connecticut to see her.
Yeah.
You'll really love her house, though, it's beautiful.
Of course it's beautiful.
Everything Sam touches is beautiful.
She makes me feel so inferior, like I suck or something.
It's like she's always a senior and I'm a permanent freshman.
- She literally still calls me Froshy.
- I know, honey, it's horrible.
- I just had to get that off my chest.
- Yeah, I know.
And I think Froshy is a term of endearment.
- I don't think it is.
- I think it is.
[Marianne.]
It's really cute.
- [Ethan.]
Hey, can we put the top down? - [Lisa.]
That sounds fun! [Marianne.]
It's a funny story.
No, I cannot.
- [Ethan.]
Okay.
I'll give it a crack.
- [Marianne.]
Oh, please don't.
- [Ethan.]
There we go.
- [Lisa.]
That's nice.
There we go.
There we go.
- It's just stuck there, isn't it? - Yeah.
Do you want to drive? Yeah, no, I'll drive.
It's like a car sail.
Hey, can you see out the back? No.
This seems dangerous.
[engine revs.]
What are you doing? [tires screech.]
- Problem solved.
- We'll pay for that.
[Ethan.]
Look at this thing.
It's like we're in a Black Mirror episode.
- Stupid looking truck.
- At least it has a roof.
[Ethan giggles.]
Look at how she's dressed, it's Black Mirror.
Hi! It's so good to see you guys! - [Sam.]
Thank you for coming.
- [Lisa.]
Hey, how are you? Good! Come on in.
Hi! - Hey, good to see you.
- Hi, yeah.
- Okay.
- You, too.
[Lisa.]
Whose car is that out front? It's mine.
I got it as my early 40th birthday present to myself.
And I don't care if you don't like it.
- Did you guys see that car out front? - Yeah.
Do you think it transforms into a giant asshole? You guys, no, listen.
There are plenty of YA novels that are every bit as good as adult books.
What? To Kill a Mockingbird gave birth to the entire genre.
- Harper Lee is a national treasure.
- [Marianne.]
I love Judy Blume.
Harry Potter.
I'd read one of those books every year.
I mean, it's all I have time for.
You don't work.
You have nothing but time.
Whatever.
Why don't you go get in your truck and go find Jason Bourne? JK Rowling's a modern-day Dickens, except better and more successful.
- That's true.
- You guys, you cannot be serious.
YA is not great literature.
I mean, it's literally for undeveloped minds.
I could not disagree with you more emphatically.
Honey, Catcher in the Rye is essentially YA.
That is a novel about a young person, not trash about teens in the future with bows and arrows.
Why do you need bows and arrows in the future? Like, I don't understand it.
No, I like those Hunger Game movies starring that girl.
They're exciting but you always know they're gonna turn out okay.
Oh, my God.
Nobody listen to him.
Well, you know, I just think that YA is the most interesting thing happening in fiction today.
- What? - Hear, hear.
- I do.
- You don't think that.
And for good reason.
Your last book was a New York Times notable book.
I mean, you're a great writer.
There's no way you can like this stuff.
Ethan and I also talked about the commercial side of publishing.
Yes, like Storm.
I mean, that is a novel for adults.
And like, Max, you said, this is a flagship property.
And you did that without vampires and kids running around mazes or whatever they're doing now.
Storm's dead.
We're not going to sell Storm.
What? What? I thought I thought that's why we were talking about YA.
I'm sorry, I didn't Never mind.
I didn't I didn't realize that you hadn't I shouldn't have.
I'm sorry, I'm confused.
Why did you say that you were going to sell it? I mean, we were out We were at dinner and you announced it.
We celebrated with champagne.
Well, we were almost at a sale of it, right? We talked about selling it.
And then everyone read it and decided to not to not sell it.
So why would you tell me that you sold it? Because I knew you'd overreact.
Because all you guys have had this expectation, that was born in college when I was 18, that I was going to be some kind of famous Nobel-Prize-winning author.
[Nick.]
I don't.
I think you're pretty good, but - But, like, a Nobel Prize? - Yeah.
I'm sorry to disappoint the rest of you, but it's not going to happen.
I'm not going to leap into the literary pantheon, which no longer exists.
Can you back me up on this, Max? I don't know what is safe to talk about.
Just back me up on it.
It's fading.
So I'm doing a YA now, that's what I'm going to do.
If you want something funny to write about, a few months ago, Dashiell called one of his classmates at school the C word.
- Cunt.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
- Well, I Excuse me.
I'm sorry, Ethan, I thought you told her about Storm.
It's okay.
It's something you would tell your wife, something you talk about.
[goofy voice.]
I already said it's okay.
Alright.
Well.
Yeah.
What is so bad about "cunt"? Well, it's extremely offensive to women.
- Is it? - Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah, I would say so.
But it's like, what can you say any more? I feel like they've taken everything away.
When they came for "retarded," I said nothing, you know? When they came for "that's so gay," I said nothing.
But it's like, you got to draw the line somewhere, you know? It's like you can't take away "cunt".
You can't take away "cunt"! - It's such a great fucking word.
- Give me this.
Oh, my God, that's so good.
Why would you bring Dashiell up? That is not a funny dinner party story.
It's not funny! I can't tell a story about my own son? - I don't understand the code here.
- There's no code.
I'm ashamed of Dashiell's behavior and I don't want you dining out on it, especially around my friends.
See, that's what this is about.
Sorry I didn't go to Harvard with you.
You get off on acting like you're too good for me around them.
It's bullshit.
Telling me to be quiet at my own dinner table? You're all living in the past.
You should let the past go.
The present's a pretty cool place to be.
You know what I don't understand? I don't understand how he even knows that word.
Do you use that word? Do you? Do you? "Judgmental Cunt" is a Kid Cudi song.
He heard it in my car.
A four-year-old? - He's four years old! - It's a catchy song.
- He should be listening to Raffi! - He prefers Kid Cudi! You and I both know Raffi sucks! [water runs.]
Lisa.
Lisa.
Lisa.
- [Nick.]
Seal thing! - [Lisa.]
No.
- Yes, seal thing! - [Marianne.]
Seal thing.
[all chant.]
Seal thing! Okay.
[barks like a seal.]
Go! [Marianne squeals.]
[Ethan.]
What are you doing? Cleaning up the playroom.
Hey, did you lie about your book to impress me? Yes.
Yes, I did do that.
100 percent.
Did it work? [chanting from outside.]
Seal thing! Yeah! - [Max.]
Seal thing! - [Lisa.]
Still got it!