Friends with Benefits s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
Hey! Hey! Can we change the music next time? No way, I love this music.
Makes me feel like I'm winning.
Hey, so how was your date tonight? What was his name Rich? Yeah.
Um it was okay.
You get this one, I'll get the next.
Wait, his name is Rich and he made you pay for the check? Fail.
Mm you know what, I-I, I like Rich.
He's-he's smart, he's handsome.
And he has the balls to say he's looking for something serious.
Nerd! Next.
You don't understand.
All right, I barely dated through med school.
Now I'm 28, and I don't have time to pick apart a thousand different people like you do.
Whoa! I do not pick people apart.
Why'd you break up with the last three girls you dated? Um you know, weird hips, uh, big forehead, and the girl who kept yelling "random!" When things were not random.
Yeah.
The point is, I'm looking for someone to start my life with, you know? Like, a grown-up.
Someone I can have kids with and What the hell are you doing? I don't know.
What is going on? How fat am I? Those are my jeans.
Oh.
And the fact that you got them up that far is terrifying.
Give them to me.
Geez.
Hey, Sara, what are you doing next weekend? You want to go with me to my sister's wedding? Ooh, you know what, I totally would, but that's the day I don't want to.
Oh, come on.
I already RSVP'd plus one.
You know, I cannot show up alone.
My family already thinks I'm a loser, my sister's gonna kill me.
Please.
You remember when you wouldn't help me move 'cause that was a boyfriend's job? You know what, fine.
I'll find somebody else.
You know.
I got a date tomorrow night that I'm very excited about.
She kind of has an irritating phone voice, but I'm keeping an open mind.
I'm going home.
Or we could go to Kingston Mines and listen to some blues.
No, no, I'm beat.
Plus, I have to work tomorrow.
Sounds like somebody needs to put their rally cap on.
Hey! let's go out and party hey! I'm singing by myself! He's coming out of nowhere.
He's got about 350 yards left.
He's gonna hit about a five-iron it looks like, don't you think? He's got a beautiful backswing.
That's oh, he got all of that one! Hey, are you, you okay? Mm-hmm.
This is fun.
I'm having fun.
Okay, good.
It's in the hole! She didn't think that caddyshack was funny? I should've known.
I mean, the only girls who appreciate Bill Murray look like Bill Murray.
So, um, how was the sex? Oh, I-I didn't like her.
So it was, like, dirty and angry? No, I didn't have sex with her.
Wait a minute, who in the world rejects a girl because she doesn't like a movie? Sense of humor, Fitz, it's important.
Really, Ben? Well, can you have sex with a sense of humor? Can you play naked leapfrog with a sense of humor while her roommate's filming? I rest my case.
Hey, guys.
Hey! This guy I'm seeing.
He's a congressman.
Oh.
Pollination fetish.
Very big in Holland.
Hey, Riley, say you had the opportunity to go out with a guy, but he didn't like Okay, what's something you really like? Um oh.
Any 19th century British fiction.
Okay.
So say you didn't like You know what, pretend you just said "magazines" and the guy didn't like magazines.
Would you still sleep with him? Ben, I just came in wearing a bee suit.
What do you think? Good point.
Ben, don't worry.
You have not found your Katie yet.
You've been seeing this girl for what, three months? I prefer to say 13 weeks.
Oh, so will it sound more like a baby? Okay, what can I say, you guys? I have never felt this way before.
I've never felt this way before.
Whoa.
Under my leadership, there will be less math and more recess.
I've never felt this way before.
Well, Katie is different.
Okay, the other night, we made love, and it was so intense that we just lay there in silence for, like, an hour afterwards.
No way.
Nobody farted or got up to pee or anything like that? I just delivered a baby to a woman with rhinestones glued all over her lady parts.
She was vajazzled? Yeah.
The kid came out looking like a disco ball.
Did you find a wedding date yet? Nope.
Rich call? No.
Great.
So what are we talking about? Oh, we are talking about Aaron and Katie and how they're so in love, nobody pees.
Okay, you guys think I'm playing around; just think I'm joking? Check this out.
Oh, my God, you bought her a house.
No.
I am asking her to move in with me.
- Oh! - Really? - Wow.
- Where am I gonna sleep? Aaron, what are you doing? You've known her for three months.
Come on.
Okay, I love Katie, Katie loves me.
What else is there? Everything.
Come on, your happiness, your freedom.
You know who I like most right now? Aaron.
He is Manning up.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is what a grown-up looks like.
Let's drink to Aaron.
Okay.
- Cheers.
- Congrats, buddy.
Yeah.
Whoa.
What the hell is that? I think it's a peanut butter-tini.
Ugh, why would you make me that? I didn't, it was just sitting on the bar.
Oh, nasty! Ha! Yes.
Hmm.
Why didn't he call me? Look, you went out with him once, right? If he calls, he'll seem too eager.
Give him a break.
Then why not send an e-mail? Because an e-mail, no matter what it says, means he just wants to be friends.
Wait! I thought an e-mail meant - he just wanted to have sex.
- No, that's an im.
What's a BBM? BBM means he's gay.
God.
Well, that explains my yoga instructor.
Okay, that left foot, that's your wall.
That can't move.
And keep your hips square when you follow through.
You seriously hired a swing coach to try to beat me at video golf? All right, man, I spent $5,000 on this whole setup.
If you think I'm gonna let you beat me every single time, you got another think coming.
Dave, I love you, buddy.
We're done.
Tomorrow? Want to do a round? Let's do it.
All right, so I got to take somebody to my sister's wedding to avoid the inevitable "where's Ben's life going" discussion.
You know, which was the theme of last Thanksgiving.
You're in the trap.
Liar! Ask Sara.
I already asked her; she said no.
Besides, you know, even if she went, it would be kind of weird.
Why would that be weird? Hole in one.
Hey, hole in one.
This is a stupid game.
You're a stupid guy.
Why is it weird? Oh, um, so I've been meaning to tell you something about me and Sara.
Something about you and Sara? What is something? Oh, my God.
Ben, are you in love with Sara? Uh, no.
I'm just sleeping with her.
Oh, my God! Are you whoa! Is she in love with you? No, nobody's in love with anybody, okay? It's-it's, uh okay, we kind of hooked up a couple weeks ago and sort of kept hooking up.
Oh, my God! Dude, do you love it? I'm so sorry I didn't tell you.
It's, like, you're my best friend, but I'm trying to be a gentleman about the whole thing - and I'm not a gentleman.
- Oh, yeah.
- So it's hard to - No, no, Ben, no.
I get it.
You guys are very physically intimate.
And then you go and have a beer at a bar like nothing ever happened and you didn't just share the most beautiful thing two people can ever share together.
I d I don't get this.
What? You sold a nanotech start-up to Google for $12 million, but you can't understand the mechanics of a hookup.
I'm not really good at IRL stuff.
- At what? - In real life.
- Okay.
- Noob.
- What? - Newbie.
You don't even get how badly I am burning you right now.
Geez! You know what, I'm gonna call my sister and tell her I don't have a date.
Big deal.
I don't care if my family thinks I'm a loser.
Hello.
Hey, Molls.
Uh, listen, about the wedding, I know, I-I, um, I RSVP'd Hmm, let me guess.
You don't have a date.
Well, you know, there's a chance that I-I probably Wait, what? Ben, I wasn't counting on you bringing anyone anyway.
Why not? you've never had a serious Girlfriend, and, Ben, we're tired of airbrushing your dates out of our family photos.
You airbrushed girls out of our family Ben, I love you, but let's be honest here, you're a disaster.
That is not You know what, it just so happens, I do have a date.
Yeah, that's right.
And it's my girlfriend.
Why don't I believe you? Well, you should.
This isn't, you know, just a girlfriend.
It, uh, it happens to be my soul mate, and I'm-I'm very excited about that.
Ben! That is amazing! Yay.
Oh, my God.
Mom, pick up the phone! - It's Ben! - Mom's there? - No - Hello! Ben said he found his soul mate.
Oh! This is wonderful, Ben! We all thought you were gonna die alone! We did! Why would you think that? Let me get gammy.
Gammy? Ben? I always thought you were gay.
How about the ballerina? No, not enough going on upstairs, if you know what I mean.
Wasn't smart enough? No, just, um, just, like, downstairs from that, like, a half a flight down, just you know.
You mean her breasts.
This is what I'm talking about.
You can't be this choosy.
Y-you know what, I would rather be choosy than desperate, I would.
Desperate? No, that-that came out wrong.
Oh, I'm not desperate.
- Y-you think I'm desperate? - No.
Because I'm not desperate.
Oh, God, that sounded desperate.
- No, Sara, of course - Am I desperate? No, of course not.
Hey, my family thinks I'm bringing my soul mate to this wedding.
You want to know who's desperate? This guy.
Yeah.
What about the girl from the cupcake place? Cupcake girl.
Yeah, yeah, uh, Dakota.
Hmm, besides the name Dakota What's wrong with Dakota? No, I know, I know it was something.
- It was, um, it was - See? There.
That's your girl.
No, it was definitely, it was Ben! Okay.
All right.
I'll call Dakota.
Geez.
Yeah.
I got to go.
Hey, Sara, um, you know, before, when I said "desperate" I'm over it.
You know, what I meant was, uh, that you, you know, you deserve more Yeah.
Thank you.
Hey, Katie, it's me.
I'm just calling, checking in, making sure we're still on for tonight.
I got kind of a big night planned for our three month anniversary.
I don't want to tip it, but if you own chaps, tonight might be the night to break 'em out.
I got a horse.
That's not a weird sex thing.
It's Aaron.
Thank you.
I want you to want me I need you to need me I'd love you to love me I'm begging you to beg me I'm shining up the old brown shoes put on a brand-new shirt I'll get home early from work if you say that you love me.
football is my favorite, but I also like baseball and march madness.
Dakota's amazing.
Why'd I let her go? I must be missing something.
Gave them up after Jordan retired.
What is it, cankles? It's not cankles.
Those legs are tremendous.
And those lips look at her.
She's interesting, smart, a sports fan.
I can't find anything wrong with you.
Um Thanks.
Drink this.
She has got to have a penis.
Hey, what's up, man? Yeah.
Vip treatment.
Nice.
A girl could get used to this.
So, you ever been here before? First time.
I think you're really going to like it.
I do like to try new things.
He is handsome.
And we can buy a nice house with our combined credit scores.
Excuse me.
Two glasses of "char-donyay," please.
He's not pronouncing it.
Char-donyay.
Thanks.
Oh, he is.
That's unfortunate.
But is it a deal breaker? No, it's not.
Isn't this romantic? Absolutely.
I mean, I guess it's romantic.
Those two seem to like it.
So do those three.
- Would you like me to take off your shoes? - Not really.
What is that about?! Oh, this place has the best steak sandwiches.
I'm in a swingers' club, aren't I? Aw, nuts.
Hey, Katie.
Happy three month anniversary.
I would like to introduce you to your new horse Mrs Katie's horse.
Aaron, I am so sorry that I didn't call you back, but things have been kind of crazy lately.
So how about I call you later.
And I'm not allowed to have animals in the building.
Katie, um, I get it.
You're scared.
And you don't know if I'm one of those guys who's serious about relationships.
So I'm going to make a gesture right now that I think is going to clear things right up.
Katie, it would make me the happiest man in the world if Katie, come back to bed.
You told me that - was your brother.
- I'm ready to go again.
I finished my sandwich.
Oh, hey.
How's it going? Dirty Mike.
Did you say "Dirty Mike"? Cool horse.
Is that the key to it? Uh, no.
Actually, the truth is, Dirty Mike, that I'm dating Katie here, who, apparently, I guess, you're about to bang now that you've finished your sandwich.
Uh, Katie, what's going on? Aaron, I'm sorry.
I meant to call you, but I just didn't know what to say.
I mean you're perfect.
You're the kind of guy that I should be with.
No offense.
But the problem is, is that you're just too good to me.
I break a date, you're happy to reschedule.
I don't call you back, you show up at my apartment with a horse.
Look, dude, sometimes when your woman's being a bitch, you just gotta call her a bitch.
Well, bravo, Dirty Mike.
Yeah, bravo.
Ho-ho! 'Cause I've been walking around like an idiot, you know, trying to learn the ins and outs of romance.
You know, how to cook, how to listen, you know, unraveling the mysteries of the female orgasm, when I guess that all I had to do was be a big tattooed, steroid, douchebag who calls girls bitches.
Hey! Who calls women bitches.
Oh, this is a low moment.
Katie, I'm going to go get started.
You join me when you're done here.
Very nice to meet you, Aaron.
All right.
Drink this.
Then this.
Then sip this.
Better? Yeah, I can't breathe.
Okay.
Aaron, I never said anything because I knew you really liked her, but I hated Katie.
She had weird skin, and I heard she banged the drummer from the spin doctors, and I think that's lame.
Yeah, another reason to hate the spin doctors.
Aaron, you're ahead of the game.
Okay, so maybe you messed up.
Maybe you picked out the wrong girl, but you're a hell of a lot further down the road than I am.
Do you want to know what I did tonight? Hey, it was an experience.
I'd much rather do something and regret it, than regret something I haven't done.
Yes! See, oh, I wish That I could be more like you and Ben and Fitz.
And I wish that I didn't care so much about relationships.
I mean, if I could go out and just have casual sex with people that would be, maybe, possibly be as beautiful as you, then I would do that all the time.
But I can't.
I Hey, um, I had a great time tonight.
- Me, too.
- Yeah, I did.
Hey, so, you know, my sister is, like, having, like, this Do you want to come up? Um, I will call you, okay? No, not again.
Ben, this is exactly what happened last time.
We had a great date, and then you blew me off.
- No, it's - Will you be honest with me? - What do I do that's so? - It's the kissing.
The what? You kiss like a thirsty bird.
You know, it's like It's like Like, in You know, and then Like a hobo cleaning out a margarine container.
Just it's like You know? Wow.
You wanted honesty.
Honesty, huh? Well, here's some honesty.
Whatever it is you're looking for, it doesn't exist.
There's no one that likes all the music you like, and hates all the movies you hate.
That eats French fries and pizza yet still has a great ass.
That's a fantasy, Ben.
You think you're so perfect? You talk with your mouth full.
Your wallet is velcro.
Your ears are crooked.
Oh, and by the way, you have no idea what else this tongue can do.
And now, you never will.
Wait, wait, wait, is this still? Don't talk.
Okay, 'cause I just don't want you to, like Take my top off.
Oh, I was hoping you were going to have those.
So? Is there a future with Rich? What?! Maybe I could be a little choosier.
Mm-hmm.
Right.
Maybe Yeah, I could be a little less.
Yeah.
Well, in the meantime Hey, uh, are my ears crooked? Yeah.
Really? You know, all friendships have benefits.
They can make you laugh.
You can tell them anything.
Sometimes they'll do stuff for you they don't want to do.
And sometimes they'll do stuff to you you very much want them to do.
But I have to say, the biggest benefit of all is that when you have a problem you can't solve alone you realize you're not.
So are there going to be hot guys at this wedding, or what? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I have no idea.
Makes me feel like I'm winning.
Hey, so how was your date tonight? What was his name Rich? Yeah.
Um it was okay.
You get this one, I'll get the next.
Wait, his name is Rich and he made you pay for the check? Fail.
Mm you know what, I-I, I like Rich.
He's-he's smart, he's handsome.
And he has the balls to say he's looking for something serious.
Nerd! Next.
You don't understand.
All right, I barely dated through med school.
Now I'm 28, and I don't have time to pick apart a thousand different people like you do.
Whoa! I do not pick people apart.
Why'd you break up with the last three girls you dated? Um you know, weird hips, uh, big forehead, and the girl who kept yelling "random!" When things were not random.
Yeah.
The point is, I'm looking for someone to start my life with, you know? Like, a grown-up.
Someone I can have kids with and What the hell are you doing? I don't know.
What is going on? How fat am I? Those are my jeans.
Oh.
And the fact that you got them up that far is terrifying.
Give them to me.
Geez.
Hey, Sara, what are you doing next weekend? You want to go with me to my sister's wedding? Ooh, you know what, I totally would, but that's the day I don't want to.
Oh, come on.
I already RSVP'd plus one.
You know, I cannot show up alone.
My family already thinks I'm a loser, my sister's gonna kill me.
Please.
You remember when you wouldn't help me move 'cause that was a boyfriend's job? You know what, fine.
I'll find somebody else.
You know.
I got a date tomorrow night that I'm very excited about.
She kind of has an irritating phone voice, but I'm keeping an open mind.
I'm going home.
Or we could go to Kingston Mines and listen to some blues.
No, no, I'm beat.
Plus, I have to work tomorrow.
Sounds like somebody needs to put their rally cap on.
Hey! let's go out and party hey! I'm singing by myself! He's coming out of nowhere.
He's got about 350 yards left.
He's gonna hit about a five-iron it looks like, don't you think? He's got a beautiful backswing.
That's oh, he got all of that one! Hey, are you, you okay? Mm-hmm.
This is fun.
I'm having fun.
Okay, good.
It's in the hole! She didn't think that caddyshack was funny? I should've known.
I mean, the only girls who appreciate Bill Murray look like Bill Murray.
So, um, how was the sex? Oh, I-I didn't like her.
So it was, like, dirty and angry? No, I didn't have sex with her.
Wait a minute, who in the world rejects a girl because she doesn't like a movie? Sense of humor, Fitz, it's important.
Really, Ben? Well, can you have sex with a sense of humor? Can you play naked leapfrog with a sense of humor while her roommate's filming? I rest my case.
Hey, guys.
Hey! This guy I'm seeing.
He's a congressman.
Oh.
Pollination fetish.
Very big in Holland.
Hey, Riley, say you had the opportunity to go out with a guy, but he didn't like Okay, what's something you really like? Um oh.
Any 19th century British fiction.
Okay.
So say you didn't like You know what, pretend you just said "magazines" and the guy didn't like magazines.
Would you still sleep with him? Ben, I just came in wearing a bee suit.
What do you think? Good point.
Ben, don't worry.
You have not found your Katie yet.
You've been seeing this girl for what, three months? I prefer to say 13 weeks.
Oh, so will it sound more like a baby? Okay, what can I say, you guys? I have never felt this way before.
I've never felt this way before.
Whoa.
Under my leadership, there will be less math and more recess.
I've never felt this way before.
Well, Katie is different.
Okay, the other night, we made love, and it was so intense that we just lay there in silence for, like, an hour afterwards.
No way.
Nobody farted or got up to pee or anything like that? I just delivered a baby to a woman with rhinestones glued all over her lady parts.
She was vajazzled? Yeah.
The kid came out looking like a disco ball.
Did you find a wedding date yet? Nope.
Rich call? No.
Great.
So what are we talking about? Oh, we are talking about Aaron and Katie and how they're so in love, nobody pees.
Okay, you guys think I'm playing around; just think I'm joking? Check this out.
Oh, my God, you bought her a house.
No.
I am asking her to move in with me.
- Oh! - Really? - Wow.
- Where am I gonna sleep? Aaron, what are you doing? You've known her for three months.
Come on.
Okay, I love Katie, Katie loves me.
What else is there? Everything.
Come on, your happiness, your freedom.
You know who I like most right now? Aaron.
He is Manning up.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is what a grown-up looks like.
Let's drink to Aaron.
Okay.
- Cheers.
- Congrats, buddy.
Yeah.
Whoa.
What the hell is that? I think it's a peanut butter-tini.
Ugh, why would you make me that? I didn't, it was just sitting on the bar.
Oh, nasty! Ha! Yes.
Hmm.
Why didn't he call me? Look, you went out with him once, right? If he calls, he'll seem too eager.
Give him a break.
Then why not send an e-mail? Because an e-mail, no matter what it says, means he just wants to be friends.
Wait! I thought an e-mail meant - he just wanted to have sex.
- No, that's an im.
What's a BBM? BBM means he's gay.
God.
Well, that explains my yoga instructor.
Okay, that left foot, that's your wall.
That can't move.
And keep your hips square when you follow through.
You seriously hired a swing coach to try to beat me at video golf? All right, man, I spent $5,000 on this whole setup.
If you think I'm gonna let you beat me every single time, you got another think coming.
Dave, I love you, buddy.
We're done.
Tomorrow? Want to do a round? Let's do it.
All right, so I got to take somebody to my sister's wedding to avoid the inevitable "where's Ben's life going" discussion.
You know, which was the theme of last Thanksgiving.
You're in the trap.
Liar! Ask Sara.
I already asked her; she said no.
Besides, you know, even if she went, it would be kind of weird.
Why would that be weird? Hole in one.
Hey, hole in one.
This is a stupid game.
You're a stupid guy.
Why is it weird? Oh, um, so I've been meaning to tell you something about me and Sara.
Something about you and Sara? What is something? Oh, my God.
Ben, are you in love with Sara? Uh, no.
I'm just sleeping with her.
Oh, my God! Are you whoa! Is she in love with you? No, nobody's in love with anybody, okay? It's-it's, uh okay, we kind of hooked up a couple weeks ago and sort of kept hooking up.
Oh, my God! Dude, do you love it? I'm so sorry I didn't tell you.
It's, like, you're my best friend, but I'm trying to be a gentleman about the whole thing - and I'm not a gentleman.
- Oh, yeah.
- So it's hard to - No, no, Ben, no.
I get it.
You guys are very physically intimate.
And then you go and have a beer at a bar like nothing ever happened and you didn't just share the most beautiful thing two people can ever share together.
I d I don't get this.
What? You sold a nanotech start-up to Google for $12 million, but you can't understand the mechanics of a hookup.
I'm not really good at IRL stuff.
- At what? - In real life.
- Okay.
- Noob.
- What? - Newbie.
You don't even get how badly I am burning you right now.
Geez! You know what, I'm gonna call my sister and tell her I don't have a date.
Big deal.
I don't care if my family thinks I'm a loser.
Hello.
Hey, Molls.
Uh, listen, about the wedding, I know, I-I, um, I RSVP'd Hmm, let me guess.
You don't have a date.
Well, you know, there's a chance that I-I probably Wait, what? Ben, I wasn't counting on you bringing anyone anyway.
Why not? you've never had a serious Girlfriend, and, Ben, we're tired of airbrushing your dates out of our family photos.
You airbrushed girls out of our family Ben, I love you, but let's be honest here, you're a disaster.
That is not You know what, it just so happens, I do have a date.
Yeah, that's right.
And it's my girlfriend.
Why don't I believe you? Well, you should.
This isn't, you know, just a girlfriend.
It, uh, it happens to be my soul mate, and I'm-I'm very excited about that.
Ben! That is amazing! Yay.
Oh, my God.
Mom, pick up the phone! - It's Ben! - Mom's there? - No - Hello! Ben said he found his soul mate.
Oh! This is wonderful, Ben! We all thought you were gonna die alone! We did! Why would you think that? Let me get gammy.
Gammy? Ben? I always thought you were gay.
How about the ballerina? No, not enough going on upstairs, if you know what I mean.
Wasn't smart enough? No, just, um, just, like, downstairs from that, like, a half a flight down, just you know.
You mean her breasts.
This is what I'm talking about.
You can't be this choosy.
Y-you know what, I would rather be choosy than desperate, I would.
Desperate? No, that-that came out wrong.
Oh, I'm not desperate.
- Y-you think I'm desperate? - No.
Because I'm not desperate.
Oh, God, that sounded desperate.
- No, Sara, of course - Am I desperate? No, of course not.
Hey, my family thinks I'm bringing my soul mate to this wedding.
You want to know who's desperate? This guy.
Yeah.
What about the girl from the cupcake place? Cupcake girl.
Yeah, yeah, uh, Dakota.
Hmm, besides the name Dakota What's wrong with Dakota? No, I know, I know it was something.
- It was, um, it was - See? There.
That's your girl.
No, it was definitely, it was Ben! Okay.
All right.
I'll call Dakota.
Geez.
Yeah.
I got to go.
Hey, Sara, um, you know, before, when I said "desperate" I'm over it.
You know, what I meant was, uh, that you, you know, you deserve more Yeah.
Thank you.
Hey, Katie, it's me.
I'm just calling, checking in, making sure we're still on for tonight.
I got kind of a big night planned for our three month anniversary.
I don't want to tip it, but if you own chaps, tonight might be the night to break 'em out.
I got a horse.
That's not a weird sex thing.
It's Aaron.
Thank you.
I want you to want me I need you to need me I'd love you to love me I'm begging you to beg me I'm shining up the old brown shoes put on a brand-new shirt I'll get home early from work if you say that you love me.
football is my favorite, but I also like baseball and march madness.
Dakota's amazing.
Why'd I let her go? I must be missing something.
Gave them up after Jordan retired.
What is it, cankles? It's not cankles.
Those legs are tremendous.
And those lips look at her.
She's interesting, smart, a sports fan.
I can't find anything wrong with you.
Um Thanks.
Drink this.
She has got to have a penis.
Hey, what's up, man? Yeah.
Vip treatment.
Nice.
A girl could get used to this.
So, you ever been here before? First time.
I think you're really going to like it.
I do like to try new things.
He is handsome.
And we can buy a nice house with our combined credit scores.
Excuse me.
Two glasses of "char-donyay," please.
He's not pronouncing it.
Char-donyay.
Thanks.
Oh, he is.
That's unfortunate.
But is it a deal breaker? No, it's not.
Isn't this romantic? Absolutely.
I mean, I guess it's romantic.
Those two seem to like it.
So do those three.
- Would you like me to take off your shoes? - Not really.
What is that about?! Oh, this place has the best steak sandwiches.
I'm in a swingers' club, aren't I? Aw, nuts.
Hey, Katie.
Happy three month anniversary.
I would like to introduce you to your new horse Mrs Katie's horse.
Aaron, I am so sorry that I didn't call you back, but things have been kind of crazy lately.
So how about I call you later.
And I'm not allowed to have animals in the building.
Katie, um, I get it.
You're scared.
And you don't know if I'm one of those guys who's serious about relationships.
So I'm going to make a gesture right now that I think is going to clear things right up.
Katie, it would make me the happiest man in the world if Katie, come back to bed.
You told me that - was your brother.
- I'm ready to go again.
I finished my sandwich.
Oh, hey.
How's it going? Dirty Mike.
Did you say "Dirty Mike"? Cool horse.
Is that the key to it? Uh, no.
Actually, the truth is, Dirty Mike, that I'm dating Katie here, who, apparently, I guess, you're about to bang now that you've finished your sandwich.
Uh, Katie, what's going on? Aaron, I'm sorry.
I meant to call you, but I just didn't know what to say.
I mean you're perfect.
You're the kind of guy that I should be with.
No offense.
But the problem is, is that you're just too good to me.
I break a date, you're happy to reschedule.
I don't call you back, you show up at my apartment with a horse.
Look, dude, sometimes when your woman's being a bitch, you just gotta call her a bitch.
Well, bravo, Dirty Mike.
Yeah, bravo.
Ho-ho! 'Cause I've been walking around like an idiot, you know, trying to learn the ins and outs of romance.
You know, how to cook, how to listen, you know, unraveling the mysteries of the female orgasm, when I guess that all I had to do was be a big tattooed, steroid, douchebag who calls girls bitches.
Hey! Who calls women bitches.
Oh, this is a low moment.
Katie, I'm going to go get started.
You join me when you're done here.
Very nice to meet you, Aaron.
All right.
Drink this.
Then this.
Then sip this.
Better? Yeah, I can't breathe.
Okay.
Aaron, I never said anything because I knew you really liked her, but I hated Katie.
She had weird skin, and I heard she banged the drummer from the spin doctors, and I think that's lame.
Yeah, another reason to hate the spin doctors.
Aaron, you're ahead of the game.
Okay, so maybe you messed up.
Maybe you picked out the wrong girl, but you're a hell of a lot further down the road than I am.
Do you want to know what I did tonight? Hey, it was an experience.
I'd much rather do something and regret it, than regret something I haven't done.
Yes! See, oh, I wish That I could be more like you and Ben and Fitz.
And I wish that I didn't care so much about relationships.
I mean, if I could go out and just have casual sex with people that would be, maybe, possibly be as beautiful as you, then I would do that all the time.
But I can't.
I Hey, um, I had a great time tonight.
- Me, too.
- Yeah, I did.
Hey, so, you know, my sister is, like, having, like, this Do you want to come up? Um, I will call you, okay? No, not again.
Ben, this is exactly what happened last time.
We had a great date, and then you blew me off.
- No, it's - Will you be honest with me? - What do I do that's so? - It's the kissing.
The what? You kiss like a thirsty bird.
You know, it's like It's like Like, in You know, and then Like a hobo cleaning out a margarine container.
Just it's like You know? Wow.
You wanted honesty.
Honesty, huh? Well, here's some honesty.
Whatever it is you're looking for, it doesn't exist.
There's no one that likes all the music you like, and hates all the movies you hate.
That eats French fries and pizza yet still has a great ass.
That's a fantasy, Ben.
You think you're so perfect? You talk with your mouth full.
Your wallet is velcro.
Your ears are crooked.
Oh, and by the way, you have no idea what else this tongue can do.
And now, you never will.
Wait, wait, wait, is this still? Don't talk.
Okay, 'cause I just don't want you to, like Take my top off.
Oh, I was hoping you were going to have those.
So? Is there a future with Rich? What?! Maybe I could be a little choosier.
Mm-hmm.
Right.
Maybe Yeah, I could be a little less.
Yeah.
Well, in the meantime Hey, uh, are my ears crooked? Yeah.
Really? You know, all friendships have benefits.
They can make you laugh.
You can tell them anything.
Sometimes they'll do stuff for you they don't want to do.
And sometimes they'll do stuff to you you very much want them to do.
But I have to say, the biggest benefit of all is that when you have a problem you can't solve alone you realize you're not.
So are there going to be hot guys at this wedding, or what? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I have no idea.