Friends with Better Lives (2014) s01e01 Episode Script

1 Oh my God.
That was amazing.
I got so loud, I was worried that we'd wake the kid.
Want to do it again? So bad.
- Okay, here it comes.
- Okay.
Mmm, Homeland! It's so good.
Hey, just popping out for a quick bike ride.
- Really? - Yeah.
You know, catch the night air, get the blood pumping.
Let these two horses run.
You're gonna ride past Val's house again, aren't you? It's not Val's house.
It's our house.
And I will soon be back there.
We're just having a trial separation.
You do not throw away an entire marriage because of one tiny hiccup.
She slept with your couples therapist, Will.
She said it was an honest mistake.
How do you sleep with somebody by mistake? I accidently sat on a carrot once.
Will, look, you've been my best friend since we were 23 years old, all right? You're more than welcome to stay here as long as you'd like.
Within reason, okay? But we can't sit back and watch you do this to yourself night after night.
You're right.
I'm being ridiculous.
Screw Val.
Right? I mean Dr.
Spielman did.
Either turn the TV up or turn the breast pump down.
I don't even hear it anymore.
And, you know, the fact that I'm comfortable enough to do this in front of you means you've been living here a long time.
Wow, that one filled up fast.
Mmm.
What's up with lefty? Hey, guys! - Hi, Jules! - Hey, Jules.
- Hi.
- Oh! Came straight from the airport.
- Aw! - Oh, God.
- What's up with lefty? - Oh And, Will, really? Still with the bicycle stalking? I - Sometimes.
- Yeah.
How was the yoga retreat? Oh, amazing.
I met someone.
I'm in love! And I know what you're thinking I say that all the time.
But this time it's real.
And I know I always say, "this time it's real," but this time it's really real.
His name is Lowell, and he's Australian.
And he owns a restaurant.
And we had sex for 12 hours straight.
Oh, here's your sleeping bag.
That is yours now.
So, wanted to stop by to tell you about the date I just went on with your friend from medical school.
I set her up with John Koenigsberg.
Oh, yeah, I could totally see that.
Could you? Could you see it? Could you also see him bringing his bird to dinner? Yeah, 'cause he did.
Oh, my God.
That bird is still alive? And incontinent.
Which was the perfect end to my perfect day.
Guess what came in the mail this morning.
Linda Altman's wedding invitation? Can I get through one story without an interruption? Linda Altman's wedding invitation.
So, it is official.
Of our entire sorority, including the girl who was such an alcoholic she defecated in the closet Jules and I are the only single ones left.
Well, actually Oops, still talking.
You know what I think, Kate? I think you need to cast a wider net.
What is that supposed to mean? Well, just that you're still looking for the same dude you were looking for when you were in your 20s.
Yeah? Now you're older.
- Yeah? - I just I think you should be a little, you know, - less picky.
- Picky? Little less superficial.
Okay, I am not superficial.
What? Bald.
Hairy.
Tank top.
Guys, his wiener smells weird.
Birthmark.
Red hair.
Everywhere.
One ball.
One big ball.
So, there are a few things that bother me.
You know, besides, the main reason it didn't work out with any of those guys was because they weren't nice.
Are you seriously gonna sit there and tell me you're just looking for a nice guy? Yes, because I am.
- Really? - Really.
Well, you're in luck, then.
My friend from high school, Jimmy Benina, just moved to L.
A.
Normal hair, normal hands.
I've never smelled his wiener, but super nice guy.
Why don't I set you up? That'd be great.
- Great.
- Great.
All right, so the guy with the one ball, was it in the middle or on the side? It was right in the middle.
Just coming at me like the boulder in Raiders of The Lost Ark.
Hi.
I'm Susan? No.
Oh, thank God.
Hi.
Jimmy? Kate? Yes.
Oh, so glad I'm not Susan right now.
Susan is totally going home in a trunk.
- He owns this place? - Mm-hmm.
You know there's no meat anywhere on this menu? What's cashew cheese? It's cheese made from cashews.
Cheese comes from milk.
How do you milk nuts? It's not cheese cheese.
It's nut cheese.
You can make anything out of nuts.
You can make anything out of play-doh.
Doesn't mean I want to eat it.
- Hey, beautiful.
- Here he comes.
I have missed you.
You must be Andi.
Jules has told me all about your adventures at university.
So handsome.
Namaste, man.
Namaste.
- How you doing? - Nice to meet you.
- Get in here, mate.
- Ooh! Good to see you, man.
Good to see you.
Hey, man.
So, Bobby's worried he's not gonna like anything.
That's a did I say that? Eh, do you like eating animals, Bob? Only ones that fit between buns.
You know, you should visit a slaughterhouse sometime.
You can hear the animals screaming.
I know, but bacon, come on.
All right, so, uh, tell us about yourself, Lowell.
Okay, well, uh, I'm a Buddhist.
Uh, I practice transcendental meditation.
You know, I cook, I surf, I sing, I garden I love.
But what about you guys? Tell me about you guys.
- Well, I'm an ob-gyn.
- Uh-huh.
I have a private practice with my friend Will.
Mmm.
We have a son Charlie.
We love Homeland.
Yeah.
What's that? It's a TV show.
Oh, I don't have a telly, mate.
You don't have a TV? What do you do after work? Uh, well, last night, for example, I, uh crafted Jules this necklace.
It's, uh, made from the grains of sand that you were standing on when I saw you for the first time.
I remember the sun was setting and the water was as blue as your eyes.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, oh! So sorry.
It's fine.
We met at a bar that burned down - in an insurance fire.
- Mm-hmm.
Wasn't a whole lot left to make a necklace.
So, you know.
So, how long have you guys been married? Oh - Like, oh, seven years.
- Uh, mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm, September 14, yeah.
- Yeah.
Today's September 14.
No, no, it's not September 14.
That would mean it's our anniversary.
Oh, my God, it's our anniversary.
Oh, my God.
Well, we need to celebrate.
Yes, we do.
Nut cheese for everyone! So, how are you still single? I think men are intimidated by me.
Oh, oh, really? What's so, uh, intimidating? Well, I went to Harvard business school.
I own the hottest social media company in the country.
I haven't cried since 1987.
And I'm phenomenal in bed.
Why are we still here? I can't believe we forgot our anniversary.
Okay, let's not overreact.
You know who we're turning into? That sad couple in Ohio who just sat around in their sweatpants and watched TV and hated each other all day.
- My parents? - Yes! If I may, let's go deeper.
How often do you make love? - Oh.
- I I Excuse me? That's pretty, uh - Yeah, that's-that's - I don't know, why? How often do you, uh make love? I mean, not often, you know.
- Four or five times a week.
- Yeah.
But my darling Jules pleasures me every day.
Every day? Why? Because he likes it, and so do I.
What is there to like? Like, all the days? Okay I think that we're getting sidetracked here.
- The point is - Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday? All the days? How often do you, Andi? - Less.
- Never! Well, don't you miss it, Bob? I do now, very much, yes.
Now, I promise you I will never forget an anniversary.
- You know, it's been - Six weeks.
Two days.
Four hours.
And five minutes.
My watch is fast by five minutes.
I know.
I accounted for that.
God, I love you.
I love you.
I want you all the time.
I want you all the time.
- Let's get married.
- Okay! Sorry, did we just? Listen to this.
It's not playing.
It's not playing.
It's not playing.
Val called.
- Val? - Yeah.
She said she needs to see me.
Needs to see me.
I think we both know what that means.
She's coming over to our house tonight.
Yeah.
I don't know what's more surprising, the fact that she's coming over or you call it "our house.
" Joke all you want, but my wife is back, baby! Everything's coming together for me.
Yeah, well, I wish I could say the same for me and Andi.
I forgot our anniversary.
Now she thinks we're in a rut.
I mean, I don't even have an anniversary present.
What'd you get her last year? Breast pump.
Yeah, you need to step it up.
Hey.
How about instead of getting her a gift, you throw her a party? Andi's always taking care of everybody else, right? It'd be nice for her to be the guest of honor for a change.
That's a great idea.
I'll throw her a surprise party tonight.
I'll send her out for a massage, she comes back, surprise, no more rut.
All right, great, I think I got Val's message.
Still not playing.
Kate, what are you doing here? I just came by to tell you what a wonderful date I had.
Thank you for setting us up.
So there's nothing you didn't like? Not even a little? Nope.
Really? 'Cause Jimmy said you, uh you cut the evening short.
I was not feeling well, but that was no reflection on Jimmy.
It was a great date.
Mostly small talk? I had a lovely time.
Huh.
'Cause I-I thought you might have had a problem with his height.
His height? I'm sure I don't know what you mean.
Really? Really.
- Really? - Really.
Really? Really.
Happily, I have a pap smear to get to.
If you want to save the world and you want to be free Put your hands in the soil And plant a tree.
What is happening? What am I watching? So what you're saying is that you may - or you may not be engaged? - Exactly.
He asked the question, and then we had sex and fell asleep.
And when we woke up this morning, we didn't even talk about it.
I mean, when you proposed to Andi, did she know you proposed? She was in the loop, yeah.
Ugh! If I wanted to hear an idiot playing guitar, I'd still be dating John Mayer.
Who is that? Is that girl wearing the same dress as you? Ah, Kate.
Great news.
Jimmy's here.
Oh? Yeah, I invited him.
I thought you'd be happy, given how much you liked him.
- I am happy.
- Yeah? Thank you so much for thinking of me.
Ooh, jicama.
Why aren't you saying hi? There is no logical reason.
Jimmy, hi.
Hi, Kate.
No, don't get up.
I'll just sit down next to you like lovers do.
You know, Jimmy, Kate was just telling me how much she likes you.
I do.
I like you so much.
I like you so much, Kate.
Well, dude, thanks for hooking us up.
Yes, Will, thank you.
Admit it.
Never.
Everything is so small.
- Fine.
I'm superficial.
- You win.
I'm out.
I can't do it.
You know, I'm surprised you, uh, even set us up.
I used to be such a jerk in high school.
I thought you hated me.
I do.
Okay, Andi's here.
Everyone back up, stay quiet until the lights come on.
Shh! Honey? Yeah.
Let me get the lights.
Oh, no-no-no-no-no, don't get the lights.
Trust me.
It's sexier this way.
Come here.
No, I should really No-no-no.
Oh! Oh.
Oh Why are we in the dark? Surprise.
How long were you gonna let me go on for? You know me.
A minute.
I need to know what's going on here, because I distinctly heard you say, "let's get married.
" And it's okay if it just slipped out, but I just need to know whether we are or we aren't getting married.
Okay, the truth is I didn't mean to propose.
No.
Obviously.
I mean, I knew that.
They have such nice hand towels.
No, no, babe babe, I didn't mean to propose 'cause I didn't want it to happen like that.
My best decisions aren't the ones I've thought about for a long time.
They're the ones I've made from my heart.
Jules Talley will you marry me? Yes! Is it made of sand? No.
Conflict-free diamond.
Oh, my God, I'm getting married! All right, I'm trying to get her to come down, but that was obviously very humiliating, so it would be nice if we could refrain from making jokes.
That's gonna be really hard for me.
Honey, you're making too big a deal out of this.
It's no worse than when your boob popped out at my cousin's bar mitzvah.
Come on.
It's just us.
Come downstairs.
Yeah, head down.
- Will! - I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Sorry.
It's out of my system now, I swear.
I swear.
Totally blown over.
Honey, I know I said this through the bedroom door, through the bathroom door, through the closet door.
I really am sorry.
Especially for grabbing you by the back of your head like that.
But that was just reflex.
It's fine.
When I was curled up in a ball on the floor trying to forget the look on our pediatrician's face, I, uh I did a lot of thinking.
We both tried to help the marriage.
Thank you for the massage and the party.
And thank you for your efforts.
Mm, mm.
We just have to face the fact that this is where we are right now.
It's not exciting, it's not romantic.
It just is what it is.
Val's here.
Val's here! Val's here! Oh, hey, Val.
Hi, Will.
Oh.
Can we talk alone? Uh, no.
No, I-I'd like to share this with everybody, 'cause I have been surrounded by doubters.
Those who said that this moment would never happen.
Like you two, who said that I needed to "face facts.
" And Kate, ever the cynic, who said that "marriage is a bitch.
" No, I said you married a bitch.
Listen, I'm not gonna lie.
You've got some making up to do.
But know that, in the end, we both want the same thing a stronger us.
I want a divorce, Will.
No, I said "a stronger us.
" Here are the papers.
I tried to give them to you last night, but you rode by so quickly.
I would stay longer, but this feels like a "rip the band-aid off" kind of moment.
So Well, love is like a No! Oh, God, why are you still here? Bobby, can you please pay this man so he will leave? He is my fiancé.
I'm I'm sorry.
What? You're engaged? Yes! Yes, we are.
And I am incredibly happy.
Please don't be mad.
Mad? No! That is I have some questions, but that is great news.
I am so happy for you.
Are you crying? No.
You are! You are crying! No, I am not.
This is just my body's very unexplainable reaction to how happy I am for you.
Really? Absolutely.
So I am the only single one.
That is fine.
You're not the only one.
Hey, guys, my marriage is over.
- We know.
- Duh.
Clearly.
I've been fighting it and fighting it, but you know what? When I really think about it, what Val and I had it wasn't a marriage.
What you guys have is a marriage.
And I've been living here for four weeks.
- Six weeks.
- Six weeks.
I've seen firsthand what an amazing couple you guys are.
You got an incredible kid.
You support each other.
And you guys are solid.
If you're in a rut, God, I want to be in that rut someday.
You okay? I will be.
Well, I guess we'll all remember this anniversary.
Yeah, it's the day my marriage ended.
The day we got engaged.
The day I lost to Will.
And the day I performed a live sex act in front of everyone we know.