Fun at the Funeral Parlour (2001) s01e01 Episode Script
Death In The Valleys
MRS BOUBES: Dai, what do you want for your breakfast, love? - Ready brek, please.
- Okay.
(ALARM BEEPING) Dai? Dai, are you all right? (MRS BOUBES WAILING) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) In you come.
Iechyd da.
Arwell, how are we today? Like a lion, Da, like a lion.
Good! Now, I'm sorry to disrupt your mortuary duties but I've got something extraordinary to show you.
Something that will change our business and bring us right up to the times.
- What is it, Da? - Oh, it's a revelation, come by here.
(WHISPERING) Now, this is a secret.
No one should know about this.
I don't think that mankind is ready for what I'm about to show you.
It's going to alter the face of the Earth.
Ta-da! What is that? It's a telephone.
- Wowzers! What's it do? - I don't know.
But the man in the shop said I could talk to other people far away with one of these.
- Do you know anyone else with one? - No.
Not yet.
- So who are you going to talk to? - Ah.
All these people here, see? These are all my friends now.
I can talk to any of these if I want to.
Eh? Go on.
Pick someone.
I found a series of numbers for R Swipers here.
That sounds good.
Now, dictate them to me.
- 0-1-9-2-9 - Hang on.
Gwynne should be here, really.
He'll have to learn how to use this too if he can cope.
Where is he? Well, I told him to put the bins out.
IVOR: (WHISPERING) It's working.
Iechyd da! This is Ivor Thomas here.
Can you hear me? (WHISPERING) "Yes, can I help you?" Uh, no.
I am just phoning because I can.
Bye.
See, it's fantastic.
Oh.
But I'm afraid there is some bad news.
We're gonna have to say goodbye to Rod, Jane and Freddy.
Sorry, girls, but technology has superseded you.
You'll have to go.
I'll miss you, you beautiful sods.
Eh, look by here.
"Thomas and Thomas and Thomas and Thomas Funeral Directors.
" We're in this yellow manuscript.
That's right, by bach.
It's all part of the deal.
See, with this book we get even more business.
It's called "advertising", see? And advertising means big bucks.
The blue tits have been at the milk bottles again.
Hang on a minute.
It says here, "Thomas and Thomas and Thomas and Thomas.
" There must be a mistake.
There's no mistake, son.
No.
Well, yes, there is.
There's four Thomases in here.
That's right, yeah.
But there's only three of us now.
Hang on a minute.
Surely you're not No, you can't! You can't let him back in the business.
He'll ruin everything! Listen, Arwell, Percy may be a criminal, possibly a murderer, definitely a pervert, but he's your brother.
He's flesh and blood, man.
Come on! You know what they say.
Live and let die, by bach.
Give him another chance.
But, Da, we're doing fine, just the three of us! ARWELL: Well, two of us.
We don't need Percy poking around! You must have a short memory.
Remember what he did that time to the bodies in the chapel of rest? It was sick! Enough, Arwell! Percy's your brother and you should love him.
Besides, he's released tomorrow and he's going to want the job, man.
Oh, just think.
It'll be like old times.
All of us together again, eating tinned peaches like a real family.
Oh, I can't wait to have my three boys back together.
All my genes under one roof.
Well, we'll see.
But Percy's got a lot to prove if he wants my forgiveness.
(THUDDING) What in the name of Zardoz was that? ARWELL: It came from the chapel of rest.
But there's nothing in there.
Only ARWELL: A few dead bodies.
Let's take a look.
- Stop! - What? - I'm not going in there.
- Is there something wrong? No.
No, it's just that I (STAMMERING) I don't want to go in there.
I'm missing Wipeout with Bob Monkhouse.
That's not true.
Wipeout finished two hours ago and you know it.
Besides, I don't think I've seen you in there before.
Are you too scared? Scared? Of course I'm not scared! I'm older than you, remember? No, it's just that I I don't like the paranormal.
Not after seeing that film.
What's it called? Casper.
That's the one.
And the way he made that girl's head spin about like an owl.
I don't want to get possessed and be up all night stabbing my rectum with a crucifix! My piles are bad enough as it is.
Don't be so silly.
There's no such thing as ghosts.
It's probably just the wind or something.
All right.
Come on, then.
Like a lion! (FARTING) - Gwynne, you gritty pip.
- It wasn't me.
- So who's passed then? - It wasn't me, either.
Mine don't smell like that.
That is the dirtiest quack my nostrils have ever encountered.
Must be the body.
They sometimes let off a bit of gas.
(FARTING) Oh, there it goes again.
Look, look.
I don't like it.
(FARTING) Sorry.
That was me.
(FARTING) Sorry.
I'm home and I bloody loves it.
Oh, my twits! We're doomed! It's Percy! (ECHOING) Percy! (IVOR LAUGHING) Don't you ever do that again, you rotten penguin bollock.
You nearly gave me a stroke.
So, how come you were released early? Well, it's a long story.
But basically I managed to escape.
Escape? A day before your release? Was it worth it? Not really.
So, how did you get out? In a cake.
A magic cake.
Oh, you're a brave boy, are you.
How can you listen to him, Da? Look at him.
He's the biggest bull-partner this side of the Severn.
ARWELL: You realise you put our business and name into disrepute? It's taken five years to get back to where we are now.
If you think you can just breakdance back into our lives and body pop over again, you got another thing coming.
I've been in prison, Arwell.
I've learnt my lesson.
I'm a changed man.
Five years I was in the clink and it was hell on Earth.
I don't want to go back.
Come on, bro.
Look, aren't you pleased to see me? No, I wish you were dead.
It must've been tough inside.
Oh, tough.
Tough.
All the gangs inside wanted a part of me.
There wasn't one bit of my body that was safe.
The worst of all was the warden.
Oh, he was a mean bugger.
He wanted what I kept in here, you see.
He wanted your lungs? What a sick crikey.
No, Gwynne, he didn't want me lungs.
No, no, no, no, no.
He wanted my faith.
My hope, my soul.
But I wasn't gonna let him take that away from me.
No, no, no, no, no.
You haven't changed, Percy.
Five years in prison, you're still full of crap! (TELEPHONE RINGING) What's that? It's a telephone.
My God, we've hit the big time! Iechyd da.
You what? Yes, the yellow book worked! (IVOR EXCLAIMING GLEEFULLY) Well, if you could just give me your address.
Yes, okay.
We'll be there within the next 10 minutes.
Yes.
Thank you, Mrs Boubes.
Bye.
- Well, boys, we've got a job.
- Right you are.
Percy, are you gonna be on your best behaviour? - Of course, I am.
- IVOR: Are you sure? Hang on a minute.
He's an escaped convict.
If he's found here, we'll all be arrested for harbouring a criminal.
He's got a point.
Oh, don't be daft.
I'm the least of their problems.
Besides, they probably don't even know I've gone.
IVOR: Come on, let's go.
(GROANING) Gwynne.
Look, Percy, you might fool Da but you don't fool me.
We've worked hard to keep this business going.
Please don't come back and muck it up all over again.
Listen, Arwell, I'm clean.
I'm out of therapy.
The last thing I want to do is go back in the big house.
You don't understand what it was like on the inside.
The place was full of filthy animals.
I'll never forget my first day in the dinner hall.
Oh.
(PRISONERS LAUGHING AND CHATTERING) - Oh, dear, dear.
- Oi.
Hey, new fish, you better check that potato for razor blades.
- You don't want to cut your gullet out, do you? - No.
- Thanks.
- No problem.
Hey, new fish, you going to eat that maggot in your pie? - No, not today.
- May I? Thanks.
There, good boy.
Hey, new fish, that bit of mash, can I have a bit? Hey, new fish, can I have a bit of that pie? - Hey, new fish - Hey, new fish - Hey, new fish - Hey, new fish (HEN CLUCKING) (GOAT BLEATING) (ELEPHANT TRUMPETING) So, now you know what it was like.
It still gives me nightmares.
Nightmares? You've only been out three hours.
God, you're such a liar! Come on, we're wasting time.
(ENGINE SPUTTERING) Car won't start! I know what's wrong.
Okay, try it again.
(ENGINE SPUTTERING) Again, try again.
(ENGINE SPUTTERING) Again! (ENGINE SPUTTERING) Well, I'll be buggered if I know what's wrong.
Could it be something to do with the engine? Engine? What's that? Engine - So, what are we going to do now, people? - Shh! Let me think.
Engine.
Engine.
Ah-ha.
- No, you can't collect a body in that.
- PERCY: Why not? One, it's too small and the coffin would never get inside.
Two, it's not even black, for God's sake.
Three, it's my pride and joy and I don't want you messing it up.
It's only a poxy Mini.
It's not a poxy Mini! It's a Panda.
A Fiat Panda.
Five years I've been saving up for that.
It's the machine of a dream.
Yeah, for a woman, but it'll have to do.
No! I will not let you ruin my car.
- Okay, love, where's the stiff? - Oh, he's upstairs in the bath.
Good.
- Sorry about him, he's new.
- Oh, well, that's okay.
Holy sheep! You got some tidying up to do in here, Mrs Boubes.
- ARWELL: Percy - What? Will you stop being so insensitive? It bloody stinks in here.
- Percy! - What? I won't tell you again.
Just get the body out of the bath, Titmarsh.
ARWELL: What in the name of Harry H Corbett is that? Oh, he's in the Guinness Book of Records, you know.
What, he's the only human being with a tail? No, he invented the top hat.
Oh, it's no good, lady.
He's too heavy.
We can't lift him on our own.
You'll have to give us a hand.
I can't lift him, I'm grieved.
- What? - Grieved.
We'll have to ride in the bath then.
- Percy! - What? Shut it! PERCY: To me.
ARWELL: Okay.
PERCY: To me.
ARWELL: Okay.
PERCY: To you, to you.
Me, me.
ARWELL: All right.
To you PERCY: And me.
ARWELL: That's right.
ARWELL: You're all right.
Put him in the box.
In the box.
Bye, Dai.
- That's it.
That's it.
- Okay.
(ARWELL SCREAMING) ARWELL: Hold on! You're squashing me! Get it back! - That's it.
Round here now.
- Right.
No, no, me leg! Oh, God! Hold it there.
We can't do this.
We're gonna have to put it on the roof.
I wonder, could you bury something with my husband? It was very special to him.
He went everywhere with it and he didn't make a sound without it.
- What is it? - His electronic voice box.
Electronic? What an amazing word.
Can I have a go? Exterminate.
It works.
It's the first time Oh.
I'll be down to visit my husband later on, if that's all right? Sure, it's best to come about 5:00.
Oh, very good.
Oh, please look after him.
Okay.
PERCY: Whoa, whoa.
Stop the car.
Stop the car.
There's something I need to buy.
ARWELL: We got to get back.
I know, but I've been waiting five years for this.
This is urgent.
Stop the car.
- Anything else is there, boy bach? - No, thank you, Mr Ford.
Really? Well, I noticed you having a look at a couple of the magazines up there on the top shelf, young Billy.
No, no, I wasn't, Mr Ford, honest.
Oh, that's nothing to be ashamed of.
Why don't you go and choose one for yourself? Hmm? Which one do you fancy? Playboy, Men Only? Or what about Sucking Eggs? I don't want it, sir.
Come on.
Don't be shy, now.
We all have a little fiddle with the old barnacle once in a while.
Tell you what, I'll let you have this one free, gratis.
Kaktus.
Okay then, sir.
Thank you.
Right, now.
You take that home, have a read.
And you have a little experiment with yourself, eh? (BELL TINKLING) Yes, could I have a couple of your most jerkable porno mags? There's a good man.
What? The audacity! What kind of newsagent do you take me for? Ach-a-fi! We have no such material like that here.
- But I just - Do you want me to call the cozzers? - No, not really.
- No, get out then.
- Okay.
- Yes.
That rotten bugger won't give me any rudies.
Oh, my twit, it's gone! What? It had just vanished.
Vanished, my arse! You lost the bloody thing! Gwynne was in charge of the knots.
You left Gwynne in charge of tying a knot? Are you mad? Look, we're wasting time here.
We should just go looking for it.
Percy's right.
Now, get out there and find him before he scares the arse off somebody! Yeah, we'll split up.
You take the Mini - It's not a Mini, it's a Panda, a Fiat Panda.
- Whatever.
- With my twinkle toes, I'd be quicker by foot.
- Good idea.
Well, go on, then.
Hurry up, we haven't got much time! The widow's coming round at 5:00! And clean yourselves up! Oh, I need a drink.
I'm not going to tell you again! Look! You've been replaced.
Now piss off! ARWELL: We must find this body before Percy does.
Christ knows what he'll do to it before he hands it over.
Excuse me, you haven't seen a dead body on your joggings, have you? No, sorry.
Oh, you couldn't help me find one, could you? Aye, righto.
I'm good at that.
Oh, hello.
How can I help you? I'm Marion Boubes.
I know it's a bit soon but I've come to see my husband.
- Oh, my God! - Is there something wrong? Ah? No, no, no, no.
Everything's fine.
Can I see him, then? (STAMMERING) No, no, not at the moment.
He's not dressed.
Not dressed? He's dead.
Yes, yes, I know that, but Well, we've got to make him up and rub him down and all that, see.
If you went in there now, he'd look horrible.
Would you like to come in for a drink? Well, perhaps a drop.
Oh, my God.
This is no good.
We've been round here 20 times, we still haven't found it.
Found what? Gwynne, do you actually know what we're looking for? No.
Gwynne, you wet nurse, we're looking for a body! Now, have you seen one? Oh, yes.
- A dead one! - Yeah, seen about 20.
You backward twat.
There aren't 20! We've been going round in circles! There's only one body, you've seen it 20 times.
Christ alive, you really ought to be institutionalised.
Right, we're gonna start again and this time when you see one, shout! Right.
Good business, the funeral business, especially in Wales.
- Really? - Yes.
More people die in Wales than anywhere else, you know.
- It's the only thing we're good at.
- Oh, good.
Oh, thank God! Yes.
Good gracious, it's the man who invented the top hat.
Where did I put my autograph book? Sod your bloody autograph book.
How am I going to get the dead bastard home? Wait a minute.
I live round the corner, I've got the very thing.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO) You must be very sad.
Yes, it's terrible.
I don't know what I'm going to do now.
It seems I'll spend my last years alone.
Me too.
- Are you married? - I was, once.
My wife ran off with a movie star about 25 years ago.
Oh.
Was he very big? No, no, not very big.
In fact, he was tiny.
He played an Oompa Loompa in Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory.
Had any kids? Oh, no, no.
Nothing like that.
No, I may have been single for the last 20 years but I've never gone that low.
No, silly, I mean have you got any children? Oh, I see.
Yes, yes, yes.
I have fathered three boys.
Fine, strapping lads they are, too.
(CLEARING THROAT) It's my bunkum, you see.
I've got excellent bunkum.
Like a lion's, in fact.
I'm sure you have.
(STAMMERING) I really must see my husband now.
I don't like the idea at all of him being prodded and poked by strangers.
Mrs Boubes, your husband is fine.
Don't worry.
We at Thomas, Thomas, Thomas and Thomas take great pride in treating our clients with the utmost care and attention.
- You sure he was here? - Yes.
- Well, he's not here now, is he? - No.
Oh, dear, that means Percy's found him.
You know what happens when Percy's alone with a corpse, don't you? Yes.
Come on.
Let's head back to the funeral parlour before it's too late.
(MOANING AND GROANING) IVOR: Oh, bollocks! Oh! Ahh! I feel so guilty.
Don't worry, I've had worse.
No, I mean my husband.
I've made a big mistake.
But people do silly things when tragedy strikes, don't they? Of course they do.
I knew someone once who shot himself when they cancelled Busman's Holiday.
I shouldn't have enjoyed that.
But I did.
All part of the service.
(CHUCKLING) (DOOR OPENING) They're back! Marion, you wait there.
I'm just going to clean out my belly button.
(WHISPERING) Well? (WHISPERING) No luck.
Percy must've found the body already.
But he hasn't come back, yet.
And more to the point, Mrs Boubes is in there.
I've had to stall her for the last 20 minutes.
And as much as I have enjoyed stalling her, she's a very beautiful woman, I don't think I can keep it up much longer.
Besides, I'm spent.
If she finds out we've lost the body, we're finished for good! Well, you're just gonna have to distract her a while longer until Percy comes back.
- How? - Well, can't you take her to the pictures? Don't be a pillow mat all your life, Arwell.
Her husband's just died.
The last place she wants to go to is the cinema! Bowling? Great idea.
I'll get dressed.
PC Hertz, Welsh Police.
I've a warrant to search these premises.
Da, you better come here.
What is it? Who are you? PC Hertz.
Police.
Your son has escaped from prison and we believe he's here on these premises.
Escaped? Really? Never.
Well, he hasn't been back here, Inspector.
HERTZ: Don't fib, Mr Thomas.
A man fitting his description was spotted by a member of the public with his arms around a naked corpse.
That's my husband.
He's talking about my husband.
Where is he? What have you done with my husband? - Do you want me to answer all these questions? - Yes.
What was the first one again? Look, we haven't got time for this.
We're coming in.
No, no, no! I can explain.
Hey, I found the dead bastard! Oh, no.
Oh, Mary, Mungo and Midge Am I the bollocks or what? I don't believe my eyes.
Neither do I.
Look, that's the man who invented the top hat.
Now, where did I put my autograph book? PERCY: What? No! No! PERCY: It's not what it looks like here! (ALL CHATTERING)
- Okay.
(ALARM BEEPING) Dai? Dai, are you all right? (MRS BOUBES WAILING) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) In you come.
Iechyd da.
Arwell, how are we today? Like a lion, Da, like a lion.
Good! Now, I'm sorry to disrupt your mortuary duties but I've got something extraordinary to show you.
Something that will change our business and bring us right up to the times.
- What is it, Da? - Oh, it's a revelation, come by here.
(WHISPERING) Now, this is a secret.
No one should know about this.
I don't think that mankind is ready for what I'm about to show you.
It's going to alter the face of the Earth.
Ta-da! What is that? It's a telephone.
- Wowzers! What's it do? - I don't know.
But the man in the shop said I could talk to other people far away with one of these.
- Do you know anyone else with one? - No.
Not yet.
- So who are you going to talk to? - Ah.
All these people here, see? These are all my friends now.
I can talk to any of these if I want to.
Eh? Go on.
Pick someone.
I found a series of numbers for R Swipers here.
That sounds good.
Now, dictate them to me.
- 0-1-9-2-9 - Hang on.
Gwynne should be here, really.
He'll have to learn how to use this too if he can cope.
Where is he? Well, I told him to put the bins out.
IVOR: (WHISPERING) It's working.
Iechyd da! This is Ivor Thomas here.
Can you hear me? (WHISPERING) "Yes, can I help you?" Uh, no.
I am just phoning because I can.
Bye.
See, it's fantastic.
Oh.
But I'm afraid there is some bad news.
We're gonna have to say goodbye to Rod, Jane and Freddy.
Sorry, girls, but technology has superseded you.
You'll have to go.
I'll miss you, you beautiful sods.
Eh, look by here.
"Thomas and Thomas and Thomas and Thomas Funeral Directors.
" We're in this yellow manuscript.
That's right, by bach.
It's all part of the deal.
See, with this book we get even more business.
It's called "advertising", see? And advertising means big bucks.
The blue tits have been at the milk bottles again.
Hang on a minute.
It says here, "Thomas and Thomas and Thomas and Thomas.
" There must be a mistake.
There's no mistake, son.
No.
Well, yes, there is.
There's four Thomases in here.
That's right, yeah.
But there's only three of us now.
Hang on a minute.
Surely you're not No, you can't! You can't let him back in the business.
He'll ruin everything! Listen, Arwell, Percy may be a criminal, possibly a murderer, definitely a pervert, but he's your brother.
He's flesh and blood, man.
Come on! You know what they say.
Live and let die, by bach.
Give him another chance.
But, Da, we're doing fine, just the three of us! ARWELL: Well, two of us.
We don't need Percy poking around! You must have a short memory.
Remember what he did that time to the bodies in the chapel of rest? It was sick! Enough, Arwell! Percy's your brother and you should love him.
Besides, he's released tomorrow and he's going to want the job, man.
Oh, just think.
It'll be like old times.
All of us together again, eating tinned peaches like a real family.
Oh, I can't wait to have my three boys back together.
All my genes under one roof.
Well, we'll see.
But Percy's got a lot to prove if he wants my forgiveness.
(THUDDING) What in the name of Zardoz was that? ARWELL: It came from the chapel of rest.
But there's nothing in there.
Only ARWELL: A few dead bodies.
Let's take a look.
- Stop! - What? - I'm not going in there.
- Is there something wrong? No.
No, it's just that I (STAMMERING) I don't want to go in there.
I'm missing Wipeout with Bob Monkhouse.
That's not true.
Wipeout finished two hours ago and you know it.
Besides, I don't think I've seen you in there before.
Are you too scared? Scared? Of course I'm not scared! I'm older than you, remember? No, it's just that I I don't like the paranormal.
Not after seeing that film.
What's it called? Casper.
That's the one.
And the way he made that girl's head spin about like an owl.
I don't want to get possessed and be up all night stabbing my rectum with a crucifix! My piles are bad enough as it is.
Don't be so silly.
There's no such thing as ghosts.
It's probably just the wind or something.
All right.
Come on, then.
Like a lion! (FARTING) - Gwynne, you gritty pip.
- It wasn't me.
- So who's passed then? - It wasn't me, either.
Mine don't smell like that.
That is the dirtiest quack my nostrils have ever encountered.
Must be the body.
They sometimes let off a bit of gas.
(FARTING) Oh, there it goes again.
Look, look.
I don't like it.
(FARTING) Sorry.
That was me.
(FARTING) Sorry.
I'm home and I bloody loves it.
Oh, my twits! We're doomed! It's Percy! (ECHOING) Percy! (IVOR LAUGHING) Don't you ever do that again, you rotten penguin bollock.
You nearly gave me a stroke.
So, how come you were released early? Well, it's a long story.
But basically I managed to escape.
Escape? A day before your release? Was it worth it? Not really.
So, how did you get out? In a cake.
A magic cake.
Oh, you're a brave boy, are you.
How can you listen to him, Da? Look at him.
He's the biggest bull-partner this side of the Severn.
ARWELL: You realise you put our business and name into disrepute? It's taken five years to get back to where we are now.
If you think you can just breakdance back into our lives and body pop over again, you got another thing coming.
I've been in prison, Arwell.
I've learnt my lesson.
I'm a changed man.
Five years I was in the clink and it was hell on Earth.
I don't want to go back.
Come on, bro.
Look, aren't you pleased to see me? No, I wish you were dead.
It must've been tough inside.
Oh, tough.
Tough.
All the gangs inside wanted a part of me.
There wasn't one bit of my body that was safe.
The worst of all was the warden.
Oh, he was a mean bugger.
He wanted what I kept in here, you see.
He wanted your lungs? What a sick crikey.
No, Gwynne, he didn't want me lungs.
No, no, no, no, no.
He wanted my faith.
My hope, my soul.
But I wasn't gonna let him take that away from me.
No, no, no, no, no.
You haven't changed, Percy.
Five years in prison, you're still full of crap! (TELEPHONE RINGING) What's that? It's a telephone.
My God, we've hit the big time! Iechyd da.
You what? Yes, the yellow book worked! (IVOR EXCLAIMING GLEEFULLY) Well, if you could just give me your address.
Yes, okay.
We'll be there within the next 10 minutes.
Yes.
Thank you, Mrs Boubes.
Bye.
- Well, boys, we've got a job.
- Right you are.
Percy, are you gonna be on your best behaviour? - Of course, I am.
- IVOR: Are you sure? Hang on a minute.
He's an escaped convict.
If he's found here, we'll all be arrested for harbouring a criminal.
He's got a point.
Oh, don't be daft.
I'm the least of their problems.
Besides, they probably don't even know I've gone.
IVOR: Come on, let's go.
(GROANING) Gwynne.
Look, Percy, you might fool Da but you don't fool me.
We've worked hard to keep this business going.
Please don't come back and muck it up all over again.
Listen, Arwell, I'm clean.
I'm out of therapy.
The last thing I want to do is go back in the big house.
You don't understand what it was like on the inside.
The place was full of filthy animals.
I'll never forget my first day in the dinner hall.
Oh.
(PRISONERS LAUGHING AND CHATTERING) - Oh, dear, dear.
- Oi.
Hey, new fish, you better check that potato for razor blades.
- You don't want to cut your gullet out, do you? - No.
- Thanks.
- No problem.
Hey, new fish, you going to eat that maggot in your pie? - No, not today.
- May I? Thanks.
There, good boy.
Hey, new fish, that bit of mash, can I have a bit? Hey, new fish, can I have a bit of that pie? - Hey, new fish - Hey, new fish - Hey, new fish - Hey, new fish (HEN CLUCKING) (GOAT BLEATING) (ELEPHANT TRUMPETING) So, now you know what it was like.
It still gives me nightmares.
Nightmares? You've only been out three hours.
God, you're such a liar! Come on, we're wasting time.
(ENGINE SPUTTERING) Car won't start! I know what's wrong.
Okay, try it again.
(ENGINE SPUTTERING) Again, try again.
(ENGINE SPUTTERING) Again! (ENGINE SPUTTERING) Well, I'll be buggered if I know what's wrong.
Could it be something to do with the engine? Engine? What's that? Engine - So, what are we going to do now, people? - Shh! Let me think.
Engine.
Engine.
Ah-ha.
- No, you can't collect a body in that.
- PERCY: Why not? One, it's too small and the coffin would never get inside.
Two, it's not even black, for God's sake.
Three, it's my pride and joy and I don't want you messing it up.
It's only a poxy Mini.
It's not a poxy Mini! It's a Panda.
A Fiat Panda.
Five years I've been saving up for that.
It's the machine of a dream.
Yeah, for a woman, but it'll have to do.
No! I will not let you ruin my car.
- Okay, love, where's the stiff? - Oh, he's upstairs in the bath.
Good.
- Sorry about him, he's new.
- Oh, well, that's okay.
Holy sheep! You got some tidying up to do in here, Mrs Boubes.
- ARWELL: Percy - What? Will you stop being so insensitive? It bloody stinks in here.
- Percy! - What? I won't tell you again.
Just get the body out of the bath, Titmarsh.
ARWELL: What in the name of Harry H Corbett is that? Oh, he's in the Guinness Book of Records, you know.
What, he's the only human being with a tail? No, he invented the top hat.
Oh, it's no good, lady.
He's too heavy.
We can't lift him on our own.
You'll have to give us a hand.
I can't lift him, I'm grieved.
- What? - Grieved.
We'll have to ride in the bath then.
- Percy! - What? Shut it! PERCY: To me.
ARWELL: Okay.
PERCY: To me.
ARWELL: Okay.
PERCY: To you, to you.
Me, me.
ARWELL: All right.
To you PERCY: And me.
ARWELL: That's right.
ARWELL: You're all right.
Put him in the box.
In the box.
Bye, Dai.
- That's it.
That's it.
- Okay.
(ARWELL SCREAMING) ARWELL: Hold on! You're squashing me! Get it back! - That's it.
Round here now.
- Right.
No, no, me leg! Oh, God! Hold it there.
We can't do this.
We're gonna have to put it on the roof.
I wonder, could you bury something with my husband? It was very special to him.
He went everywhere with it and he didn't make a sound without it.
- What is it? - His electronic voice box.
Electronic? What an amazing word.
Can I have a go? Exterminate.
It works.
It's the first time Oh.
I'll be down to visit my husband later on, if that's all right? Sure, it's best to come about 5:00.
Oh, very good.
Oh, please look after him.
Okay.
PERCY: Whoa, whoa.
Stop the car.
Stop the car.
There's something I need to buy.
ARWELL: We got to get back.
I know, but I've been waiting five years for this.
This is urgent.
Stop the car.
- Anything else is there, boy bach? - No, thank you, Mr Ford.
Really? Well, I noticed you having a look at a couple of the magazines up there on the top shelf, young Billy.
No, no, I wasn't, Mr Ford, honest.
Oh, that's nothing to be ashamed of.
Why don't you go and choose one for yourself? Hmm? Which one do you fancy? Playboy, Men Only? Or what about Sucking Eggs? I don't want it, sir.
Come on.
Don't be shy, now.
We all have a little fiddle with the old barnacle once in a while.
Tell you what, I'll let you have this one free, gratis.
Kaktus.
Okay then, sir.
Thank you.
Right, now.
You take that home, have a read.
And you have a little experiment with yourself, eh? (BELL TINKLING) Yes, could I have a couple of your most jerkable porno mags? There's a good man.
What? The audacity! What kind of newsagent do you take me for? Ach-a-fi! We have no such material like that here.
- But I just - Do you want me to call the cozzers? - No, not really.
- No, get out then.
- Okay.
- Yes.
That rotten bugger won't give me any rudies.
Oh, my twit, it's gone! What? It had just vanished.
Vanished, my arse! You lost the bloody thing! Gwynne was in charge of the knots.
You left Gwynne in charge of tying a knot? Are you mad? Look, we're wasting time here.
We should just go looking for it.
Percy's right.
Now, get out there and find him before he scares the arse off somebody! Yeah, we'll split up.
You take the Mini - It's not a Mini, it's a Panda, a Fiat Panda.
- Whatever.
- With my twinkle toes, I'd be quicker by foot.
- Good idea.
Well, go on, then.
Hurry up, we haven't got much time! The widow's coming round at 5:00! And clean yourselves up! Oh, I need a drink.
I'm not going to tell you again! Look! You've been replaced.
Now piss off! ARWELL: We must find this body before Percy does.
Christ knows what he'll do to it before he hands it over.
Excuse me, you haven't seen a dead body on your joggings, have you? No, sorry.
Oh, you couldn't help me find one, could you? Aye, righto.
I'm good at that.
Oh, hello.
How can I help you? I'm Marion Boubes.
I know it's a bit soon but I've come to see my husband.
- Oh, my God! - Is there something wrong? Ah? No, no, no, no.
Everything's fine.
Can I see him, then? (STAMMERING) No, no, not at the moment.
He's not dressed.
Not dressed? He's dead.
Yes, yes, I know that, but Well, we've got to make him up and rub him down and all that, see.
If you went in there now, he'd look horrible.
Would you like to come in for a drink? Well, perhaps a drop.
Oh, my God.
This is no good.
We've been round here 20 times, we still haven't found it.
Found what? Gwynne, do you actually know what we're looking for? No.
Gwynne, you wet nurse, we're looking for a body! Now, have you seen one? Oh, yes.
- A dead one! - Yeah, seen about 20.
You backward twat.
There aren't 20! We've been going round in circles! There's only one body, you've seen it 20 times.
Christ alive, you really ought to be institutionalised.
Right, we're gonna start again and this time when you see one, shout! Right.
Good business, the funeral business, especially in Wales.
- Really? - Yes.
More people die in Wales than anywhere else, you know.
- It's the only thing we're good at.
- Oh, good.
Oh, thank God! Yes.
Good gracious, it's the man who invented the top hat.
Where did I put my autograph book? Sod your bloody autograph book.
How am I going to get the dead bastard home? Wait a minute.
I live round the corner, I've got the very thing.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO) You must be very sad.
Yes, it's terrible.
I don't know what I'm going to do now.
It seems I'll spend my last years alone.
Me too.
- Are you married? - I was, once.
My wife ran off with a movie star about 25 years ago.
Oh.
Was he very big? No, no, not very big.
In fact, he was tiny.
He played an Oompa Loompa in Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory.
Had any kids? Oh, no, no.
Nothing like that.
No, I may have been single for the last 20 years but I've never gone that low.
No, silly, I mean have you got any children? Oh, I see.
Yes, yes, yes.
I have fathered three boys.
Fine, strapping lads they are, too.
(CLEARING THROAT) It's my bunkum, you see.
I've got excellent bunkum.
Like a lion's, in fact.
I'm sure you have.
(STAMMERING) I really must see my husband now.
I don't like the idea at all of him being prodded and poked by strangers.
Mrs Boubes, your husband is fine.
Don't worry.
We at Thomas, Thomas, Thomas and Thomas take great pride in treating our clients with the utmost care and attention.
- You sure he was here? - Yes.
- Well, he's not here now, is he? - No.
Oh, dear, that means Percy's found him.
You know what happens when Percy's alone with a corpse, don't you? Yes.
Come on.
Let's head back to the funeral parlour before it's too late.
(MOANING AND GROANING) IVOR: Oh, bollocks! Oh! Ahh! I feel so guilty.
Don't worry, I've had worse.
No, I mean my husband.
I've made a big mistake.
But people do silly things when tragedy strikes, don't they? Of course they do.
I knew someone once who shot himself when they cancelled Busman's Holiday.
I shouldn't have enjoyed that.
But I did.
All part of the service.
(CHUCKLING) (DOOR OPENING) They're back! Marion, you wait there.
I'm just going to clean out my belly button.
(WHISPERING) Well? (WHISPERING) No luck.
Percy must've found the body already.
But he hasn't come back, yet.
And more to the point, Mrs Boubes is in there.
I've had to stall her for the last 20 minutes.
And as much as I have enjoyed stalling her, she's a very beautiful woman, I don't think I can keep it up much longer.
Besides, I'm spent.
If she finds out we've lost the body, we're finished for good! Well, you're just gonna have to distract her a while longer until Percy comes back.
- How? - Well, can't you take her to the pictures? Don't be a pillow mat all your life, Arwell.
Her husband's just died.
The last place she wants to go to is the cinema! Bowling? Great idea.
I'll get dressed.
PC Hertz, Welsh Police.
I've a warrant to search these premises.
Da, you better come here.
What is it? Who are you? PC Hertz.
Police.
Your son has escaped from prison and we believe he's here on these premises.
Escaped? Really? Never.
Well, he hasn't been back here, Inspector.
HERTZ: Don't fib, Mr Thomas.
A man fitting his description was spotted by a member of the public with his arms around a naked corpse.
That's my husband.
He's talking about my husband.
Where is he? What have you done with my husband? - Do you want me to answer all these questions? - Yes.
What was the first one again? Look, we haven't got time for this.
We're coming in.
No, no, no! I can explain.
Hey, I found the dead bastard! Oh, no.
Oh, Mary, Mungo and Midge Am I the bollocks or what? I don't believe my eyes.
Neither do I.
Look, that's the man who invented the top hat.
Now, where did I put my autograph book? PERCY: What? No! No! PERCY: It's not what it looks like here! (ALL CHATTERING)