Funny Woman (2023) s01e01 Episode Script

The following programme contains
strong language.
Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows
Everything that's wonderful
is what I feel when we're together
Brighter than a lucky penny
When you're near the rain
goes, disappears, dear
And I feel so fine
Just to know that you are mine
My life is sunshine,
lollipops and rainbows
That's how this refrain goes
So, come on, join in, everybody
Sunshine, lollipops and
I drew you in the sweepstake
for the beauty contest, Barb.
So, pull out all the stops, will ya?
Oh, it's just a lark, Pat.
My money's on Janice Allsthrop.
she's got a bigger beehive.
Sunshine, lollipops
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Everything that's wonderful
Is what I feel
when we're together
And what a feast for the eyes.
You lucky girls, my good lady wife
was going to enter the competition.
Mm! (LAUGHS)
Pulled out because of her bunions.
(LAUGHTER)
I jest.
A former Miss Blackpool herself,
believe it or believe it not,
girls, be warned, kiddies and
cream buns, that's what happened.
You're no oil painting yourself.
But you didn't marry me because
I was an oil painting, my love.
Whereas Well, that was
the whole point of you.
(LAUGHS)
Go on, give us a smile, love.
Oh, it looks like
we have a decision.(LAUGHS)
(FEEDBACK)
In third place
Sandra Holt!
(APPLAUSE)
(FANFARE PLAYS)
(LAUGHS) Well done.
- Well done, Sandra.
- Well done.
Applause please for our runner-up.
Well, hopefully,
she won't be running anywhere
in those heels. (LAUGHS)
Janice Allsthrop.
(APPLAUSE)
(FANFARE)
Yeah, well done. Janice.
And now the moment we've all
been waiting for. (CLEARS THROAT)
Oh, crikey Mr Parker,
it's down to the wire.
Hold your nerve, Aiden,
hold your nerve.
In first place,
the Belle of Blackpool 1964,
is Barbara Parker.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows
Everything that's wonderful
is what I feel when we're together
Brighter than a lucky penny
When you're near the rain
goes, disappears, dear
And I feel so fine
#Because you're in love
You're in love
(LAUGHS)
And love is here to stay
Barbara Parker,
ladies and gentlemen. Very good.
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
Well done, love.
(LAUGHS)
Len Phillips, Evening Gazette.
So, are we the immediate family?
I'm her father, George Parker.
Excuse me. Coming through.
P-A-R-K-E-R.Excuse me.
I'm related too,
thank you very much.
Who's this then? The Queen Mother?
I am most certainly not her mother,
I'm her Aunt Marie.
- This young buck is Aiden.
- Barbara's
- fiance.
- They won't like that.
Don't want to break the hearts
of every lad in Blackpool.
(LAUGHS)
I am here,
if you want to ask me anything.
No, thanks. I just make the rest up.
All right, then. Out the way!
Let's go for the money shot.
Stick your chest out, love.
You could be a glamour girl.
- The next Sabrina.
- Oh, come on,
our Barbara, say cheese.
I sometimes shout out "knickers",
just to shake things up.
You want to get used to
my colourful sense of humour.
Opening supermarkets,
hospitals, dog shows.
You're gonna have a very busy year.
Open up the sky
Cos I'm coming up to you
So send down your wings
And let 'em bring me to you
You know,
I'm standing at the station
Ready to go
Oh, big old aeroplane
I'm trusting you so
Get on up, big bird,
to my baby's love
Get on up, big bird,
I got to make it work
Get on up, big bird
With me down here
And you up there
Now all we know is
All we know is
It ain't no fair
Dear Dad, saying goodbye to you
was the toughest thing I've done
since learning long division.
But I had to go. It's now or never.
And never coming back,
get on up
Tell Aiden he's got
full permission to hate me.
But I've got this feeling in my gut
that life's got something
more in store for me than
being Miss Blackpool Belle.
And now's my chance
to find out what.
Get on up, big bird
Get on up, big bird
To my baby's love,
get on up, big bird. ♪
Dad, it's soft to say I love you,
so I won't. But I do.
I'll write as soon as I'm settled.
Bright lights, here I come.
Good morning, madam.
Good morning.(CHUCKLES)
Mother of the bride, is it?
Er, well, perhaps this hat
might suit madam better.
I like this one. What do you think?
Have you ever seen a dead badger
on the side of the road?
I beg your pardon?
Well, you did ask.
She did ask, didn't she?
Is there a problem, Barbara?
No, no, Miss Sykes.
I was just explaining to madam
that this hat makes her head look
a little bit like, um Roadkill.
Yeah.
I'm I'm so sorry, madam,
She's from up north.
I was just being honest.
Honest? Honest.
The only honest opinion
madam requires
is to be told that the hat, any hat,
looks absolutely perfect.
(COPIES ACCENT) Absolutely perfect.
Sorry, Miss Sykes,
it won't happen again.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
Whoa! Hazard warning.
That chicken sandwich
has been there, like, two weeks.
Oh, it smells a bit ripe.
Ripe?
Surprised it hasn't grown legs
and run out clucking.(LAUGHS)
Marjorie. Shoes.
Barbara. Hats.
- There you are.
- Yeah, of course,
you've got a face for hats.
Oh, you haven't
seen me in a bobble hat,
I look like a boiled egg
- in a tea cosy.
- All right, my love?
So, do you know this lot then?
No, not personally.
I can tell which departments they
work in just by looking at them.
Starting at the top.
Of the building?
The league table.
- Here you go, Marj.
- Cheers, Julie.
Now, over here we've got ladies'
fashion and couture, first division.
They all went to
Lucie Clayton Modelling School,
they all talk posh,
they all walk like
they've got a stick up their arse.
Never seen one of them eat.
Perhaps they shovel down
the pies when they get home.
Oh, no, they don't go home, no.
They party all night with pop stars.
- See the redhead?
- Yeah.
She went on a date with a Beatle.
No! Yeah.(GASPS)
He's just the drummer, though, so
Next floor down, you've got make-up.
So, you can be pretty
and, like, short,
but you can't have the wonky teeth.
Well, no. Who wants buy lippy
off someone with a gob
like Ken Dodd? (LAUGHS)
Now, over here we've got perfume.
Law unto themselves that lot.
What do you mean?
Men come in to buy gifts
for their ladies, yeah?
They ask the girls to spritz on
themselves so they can smell it.
That's Millie. One geezer sniffed
all the way up to her armpit.
Then he gave it a lick.
Oh!
And that's you, hats.
So, what are we in hats?
Bottom of the league table?
No, no, that's us, in shoes.
Whoops! Sorry.
I could kill her.
Now, you'll find us in the basement,
just follow the cheesy pong.
Thanks for the rundown, Marjorie.
Hey, it's Marj.
If you want.
Marj.
Where are you living then?
Bed and breakfast.
Just moved down from Blackpool.
- Blackpool?
- Mm-hm!
Is that why you talk funny?
From where I'm standing,
you're the one who talks funny.
I'm from Croydon,
we all sound like this. See you.
Er, look, I've
I've got a room in Earl's Court.
Good for you.
What? No.
I mean, you can move in,
if you like.
I'm looking for a flatmate, so
OK.
(LAUGHS)
What are we here?
Landlords and pressure tenants
What are we here?
Landlords and pressure tenants
It come like everything crash
Them nah want you for use the gas
Put in shilling for get a bath
- Hiya.
- All right?
You've got so much stuff.
It's mainly hairspray.
OK.
What are we here?
Landlords and pressure tenants
You coming?
Ugh!
This is Sandra.
- - Hiya.
- Hi.
- All right?
Landlords and pressure tenants. ♪
It's only one more flight.
You said that two flights ago.
Come in. Oop!
Welcome to Maison a la Marj.
Kitchen's just there.
This is the bedroom.
That's my bed, this is
your bed here, by the window.
I can't sleep in a draft
because of my adenoids.
(SNORES)
Mayday, mayday, London calling.
It's groovy here, Dad.
I've landed on my feet
in a swanky penthouse flat.
By night, you'll find me enjoying
cocktails and witty repartee.
(SNORES)
By day, I've got
a job in the West End,
giving high-class ladies
expert advice on fancy hats.
Absolutely perfect.
It's a bit different
to rolling sticks of rock.
But I sometimes miss the heady
pong of sugar up my nose.
Say hello to Auntie Marie
and tell her
I've still got ideas
above my station.
You never know,
I could be the biggest thing
to come out of Blackpool
since you-know-who
and the you-know-whats.
Big kiss, Dad. Ying tong iddle I po.
Lucy, ready?
Hello, friends.
I'm your Vitavigavegivat Girl.
Are you tired, run down, listless?
Do you poop out at parties?
Are you unpopular?
The answer to all your problems
is in this bittle lottle.
Er, little bottle.
(LAUGHTER)
Good, I haven't missed it.
Oh, what are we having
for our tea tonight?
Oh, it depends what you're cooking.
Marj, would you stop using my
best saucepan to boil your pants!
Well, how else am I meant
to get the stains out?
I've just spent an hour at the
laundrette, why didn't you come?
Because I don't want strangers
just staring at me knick-knocks.
At least I caught
a bit of Lucille Ball.
So, that was a bonus.
Hey, maybe we should get a telly?
I'm not watching that I Love Lucy
lady, she gets me all wound up.
Pulling funny faces
and falling on her backside.
What kind of job is that?
That's worse than working in shoes.
I'd love to get paid to muck about.
- What? On telly?
- Yeah. Why not?
You wanna be an actress?
Well, maybe, I don't know.
My dad says that actresses are
no better than common prostitutes.
Is your dad a vicar
from Victorian times?
No, he works at the car plant.
- Oh!
- Oh!
- Bloody hell.
- Aah.
Never mind a telly, we haven't even
got enough money to pay the meter.
Hey, give me some change.
I splashed out on the tumble dryer.
- Oh.
- Oh!
What are we gonna do now?
Oh! Hang on. It's just started.
(STATIC)
(THEME TUNE)
The Awkward Squad is written by
Bill Gardiner and Tony Holmes.
(THEY TALK GIBBERISH)
Produced
and directed by Dennis Mohindra.
(THEY LAUGH) That's Smythe,
played by Smythe played by
Clive Richardson!
Clive Richardson!
Excuse me, but who's in charge here?
- - You are!
- You are!
- A family of six
are moving in from Glasgow tomorrow.
I haven't got time to be cooking
and cleaning up after you.
Oh, Marie, just leave it, you know,
go and see to your guests
at Seagull's Hall.
Nook, Seagull's Nook.
And you'll do your washing and
run a vacuum round too, will you?
(SCOFFS) I'd like to see that.
Well, I'll just do it later.
Just leave it.
It may have escaped your notice
but she's the same age
as her mother when she left.
She's not gonna
disappear like Gloria.
She just needs to spread her wings,
that's all.
Well, might not be all she's
spreading if she's not careful.
Marie, please. She
She can handle herself.
Listen, just because
we didn't get any chances,
doesn't mean to say she shouldn't.
You made her think she's
- something special.
- But she is.
She's swanned off to London
I always told her that like,
like she's above the lot of us.
But she doesn't mean it like that.
So, what was wrong with Aiden?
I was in there for sausage
this morning, I was mortified.
If she'd played her cards right,
she could have been betrothed
to the best-looking
butcher in Blackpool.
Well
Keep out of this Private Private.
So sorry, didn't
realise it was private.
Excuse me, but who's in charge here?
(LAUGHS)
You are!
You can't despise
what you want to do
Absolutely perfect.
Absolutely perfect.
Absolutely perfect.
Absolutely perfect.
Absolutely per-fect!
Ab-so-lute-ly per-fect.
You've got to
do it yourself now. ♪
I love it.
How do I get from this to this?
You could always apply for a
promotion to the perfume counter.
Minnie saw, um, Jimmy Tarbuck
in the London Palladium.
Blimey. Do they get paid
loads more in perfume?
Don't be a twerp,
she ain't got money for a ticket.
Her gentleman friend has.
All the girls on perfume
get taken to shows
by gentlemen friends.
You'd have no trouble
reeling one in.
Barb, darling,
thanks so much for this.
- No problem.
- Need to pop to the
- clinic for some clap cream.
- Yeah.
He looks like
he might be on the prowl.
Go on, Barb darling,
give him an eyeful.
Right.
Do you know what Marilyn Monroe said
when she was asked what she
- - wore in bed?
- No.
- Chanel No. 5.
Oh! She'd have got
terrible chilblains
on a nippy night in Norbreck.
Barbara.
(GASPS)
I wasn't aware you'd been
transferred to parfum.
Yep, temporarily.
Millie had to pop to the clinic.
What for?
Clap ping.
Clap, clap, clapping cream.
Er, she she
Ooh, she can't clap
because her hands are red raw,
a terrible affliction, can't clap.
You were recommending this?
Yes. It's a lovely eau de toilet.
Toilette.
That's the one.
Well, er,
I'd like to see how it smells.
Of course. Allow me.
Hm.
Hm.
Hmmm!
Where's this Valentine
lord fella taking you then?
We're going to see Matt Munro
at the Talk Of The Town.
- Ooh, fancy pants.
- Next time,
I'll ask if he's got a friend.
What type do you fancy?
I like any type. Get off! Get off!
(LAUGHS)
What are you gonna wear then?
Me smart dress.
Oh, nice,
if you're going to a funeral.
Have you not got anything sparkly?
Close your eyes.
Oh, my god! Where did you get that?
It was me mum's, she loved
a bit of ballroom back in the day,
so I'm told. What do you reckon?
You look like an explosion
at a tinsel factory. (LAUGHS)
Oh! Well, what am I gonna wear then?
(SUCKS TEETH)
You leave this one to me.
Psst.
Hey! (GASPS)
What was in the other bag?
Diet pills, my dad sends them,
I usually flush 'em down the lav
but, occasionally,
they come in handy.
Downtown
Things will be great when you're
Downtown
No finer place for sure
Downtown
Everything's waiting for you
Downtown
Downtown
(CHATTER)
Downtown
Here ya go, love.
Downtown, Downtown
Downtown. ♪
You look ravishing.
Campari and soda for the lady.
Thanks.
Oh, do I drink it or gargle it?
Come here often, do you?
Well, let's just say
I have the occasional
business rendezvous.
And what do you do after
you've done your business?
- I beg your pardon?
- Oh, sorry,
that sounded wrong. (LAUGHS)
Um, I meant after the show,
do you go backstage
and mingle with the stars?
Or have a cocktail?
Oh, don't you worry, I have
plans for us later.(LAUGHS)
Valentine, is that you?
Sidney.
And your lovely lady wife.
Hello, Audrey. What a nice surprise.
(CHUCKLES)
Aren't you going to introduce us?
Yes, this is Barbara, she's my
A secretary in my office.
Yeah, she's nuts about Matt Munro,
and when a ticket unexpectedly
came up she jumped at the chance.
- Hm!
- Well, Sidney, why don't we
get the ladies a proper drink
and then we can discuss business.
Would you excuse us?
We've got a table.
You're welcome to my Campari,
Audrey, I haven't touched it.
No? I don't blame you. (LAUGHS)
It smells like toilet bleach.
He may not be wearing a ring
but he is married, you know?
Who? Sidney?
You know who I mean.
He's married to Joan.
And they have two children.
But I don't expect
your sort care much about that.
What sort is that, exactly?
A good-time girl.
Out for what she can get
from unsuspecting married men.
Come along, ladies.
Matt Munro is about to begin.
How's your wife, Valentine?
Um, she's a bit under
- the weather, actually.
- Hm.
I think I might have
caught what she's got,
a touch of having the wool
pulled over your eyes-itis.
It was nice to meet you, Audrey.
Sidney. And, Valentine,
send my commiserations to Joan.
(CHATTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Oh, you leaving already?
Don't ask.
I like your dress.
Borrowed from work.
Turns out I needn't have bothered.
Plus it's about as comfortable
as being sewn into a wind sock.
Bloody nightmare if you need a wazz.
(LAUGHS) The ladies is that way.
Shout if you need help with the
zipper, I'll hold onto your coat.
Soft, what light
from yonder window breaks.
Oh, you can bugger off and all.
Hey, you don't remember me, do you?
We met at the first night of that
Arthur Askey film you were in.
What a revelation.
I've not been in any film.
Matt Monro!
My dear, I'm terribly sorry.
(LAUGHS)
I could have sworn you were Sabrina.
I'm not bloody Sabrina! And you
fellas might learn to tell us apart
if you ever bothered
to look above a woman's neck.
Might I buy you
a drink by way of apology?
- You've got to be joking.
- I never
joke, absolutely no sense of humour.
(LAUGHS) My name is Brian Debenham.
And this is my dear wife, Patsy.
Oh, I say, you are awfully pretty,
- Right up your street, Brian.
- Hm.
Rather like Sabrina.
- She doesn't like to hear that.
- Oh!
And I don't like it when men try
to pick me up while their wives
- are watching!
- But we're not trying
to pick you up for kinky sex.
No, my dear. What I've got planned
for you is much grubbier than that.
(LAUGHS)
Was it something I said?
Everything.
Come on, Patsy.
For your sake I say
Walk away
Just go
Walk away and live
A life that's full
With no regrets
Don't look back at me
Just try to forget
Why build a dream
Alone at last.
We both know what we're here for.
(WHIMPERS) What are you doing?
I'm gonna have what I paid for.
No! (DRESS RIPS)
No! (CRIES)
(CRIES)
Ugh!
Just run, run away
Mm-mm
Ugh!
Kick him in the cock!
Ugh!
Argh! Argh!
Oh!
My tears will fall
Now that you're gone
I can't help but cry
But I must go on
I'm sad that I
Have been searching so long
You, I love you
I love you. ♪
(CLEARS THROAT)
Here, my business card.
We told you it was grubby.
Come and see me
in the office sometime.
There's a lot of opportunity
for a girl like you.
(CHUCKLES)
Take a taxi home, darling. The
rain plays havoc with a hair piece.
(LAUGHS) Heavy night
on the Babycham, was it?
How is our old pal, Valentine?
Valentine was not a gentleman.
(SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS)
I think the word gentleman
in gentleman's friend
is a bit like the word public
in public school.
Probably should have warned you.
Those perfume fellas
just want it on a plate.
Thought you'd know that.
Why, what's the matter?
You're not a virgin, are you?
Are you?
(LAUGHS) Shut up!
The point is, you don't
look like a virgin,
so you should probably
expect fellas to have a crack.
No, Marj, the point is, it's one
thing choosing to go with a fella,
it's quite another thing when a man
thinks its his for the taking.
Right, well, come on missus,
get your clobber on,
we're late for work.
Actually, Marj, could you drop the
dress back with ladies' fashion,
I'm not up to hats today.
(SIGHS)
Sorry, I've only got enough coppers
for me weekly call with me dad.
He says patience is a virtue.
He's not the one that's
sitting in the freezing cold
eating pilchards from a tin.
Perfect timing.
(RADIO ON)
George, look who's just dropped by
with a lovely bit of tripe. Ha!
Eh up, Mr Parker.
All right, Aiden.
Would you like a cuppa, Aiden?
Oh, I'd love one.
I'm absolutely parched.
George, where are your manners?
Go and make Aiden a nice cup of tea.
No, wait.
George?
Oh!
(PHONE RINGS)
Barbara, it's me.
Aiden! What are you doing there?
What are you doing there?
You've made your point,
it's time to stop
faffing around and come home.
Please, I need to speak to me dad.
Here, here, there you go.
Give us the phone.
Dad? Dad, are you there?
Barbara?
Mayday, mayday!
Hey, how was Matt Munro?
Er, Dad
(BEEPING)
Are you all right, love?
Um
Remember, love, if at first you
don't succeed, come home and have
(BEEPING)
(DISCONNECTED TONE)
No!
Pretend you're happy
when you're blue
It isn't very hard to do
And you'll find
happiness without an end
Whenever you pretend
Remember anyone can dream
And nothing's
as bad as it may seem. ♪
I don't think we were
properly introduced.
I'm Barbara Parker.
Why are you here, Barbara Parker?
You gave me your business card.
No, I mean here in London.
Tell me all about yourself?
Hm?
Oh! Um, I was born in Blackpool.
- Hmm!
- And I came to London
to be someone.
Anyone in particular?
Are you tired? Listless? Run down?
Do you poop out at parties? Are you
unpopular? Then try Vitavigavegivat.
Goodness gracious me.
Do you not know Lucille Ball?
What on earth has dear Lucille
got to do with anything?
Wonderful legs, of course,
but, unfortunately,
she was forced to make faces
in order to pay the rent.
No. You, you have something
different.(CLEARS THROAT)
You have star quality.
Hm!(CHUCKLES)
Would you like an egg?
No, thank you.
Um, are you the agent
of all these famous people?
Many have sat where you are sitting
at some point in their careers.
And the others I, er (SNIFFS)
pin up for inspiration.
So, let's get cracking.
(LAUGHS) We don't want the bloom
to go off the rose, do we, er,
Barbara?
Any relevant experience?
Me dad says
I'm good at doing voices.
Well, we'll be sure to put that
on your curriculum vita.
No experience at all.
Not unless you count being
Miss Blackpool Belle.
Miss Blackpool Belle?
Well, now you're talking.
That is something I can work with.
Hm, local beauty queen,
our very own Cinderella. I love it.
So, can I give up
me job at Lewis Peters?
Well, let's not do anything rash
(LAUGHS) ..Barbara.
Barbara,
what did you say your name was?
Parker.
Barbara Parker.
Barbara is ever so
slightly provincial, hm?
What do you think of Sophie?
Do I know her?
No, I mean the name Sophie.
How about Sophie Straw? Hm?
It's modern, it's fresh,
it's alliterative.
Hm! It's like Sandy Shaw.
Sophie Straw?
It sounds like
a type of animal feed.
Precisely. If even I,
a happily married man,
deeply in love with his wife,
ends up thinking about
rolls in the hay with Sophie Straw,
imagine what all the unhappily
married men will feel like?
Rolls in the hay?
Well, figuratively speaking.
I'll be Sophie, I suppose, if you
think it will help me get a job.
Wonderful news. To that end,
I'll ask Patsy, my wife,
to go out shopping with you
for a lovely gingham bikini.
- Bikini?
- Hm.
It's coming on winter.
Yeah, you can wear it
for your auditions,
so that everyone can see
your lovely shape.
If I wanted to shimmy about
in me swimmers,
I could have stayed in Blackpool.
Are you telling me
you actually want to act?
Oh, well, hm!
That's it.
Well, we'll send you out
on some auditions, with words,
and we'll call it a trial period.
A trial period, no bikinis.
Yet.
Ever. (LAUGHS)
Oh, Pats, will you
get me the toast, please?
Of course, darling,
butter on both sides?
I can't sit still
With the hippy hippy shakes
Yeah, I get my fill now
With the hippy hippy shakes
Yeah, it's in the bag. ♪
Fancy a cuppa?
I've got news.
Oh, I've got news too.
Shall I go first or?
You got the sack.
Sykesy told me
to give you that letter
and tell you not to come back.
How did she know about the dress?
She saw it. Apparently,
when they took it out the bag
in ladies' fashion, it was so crispy
that it stood up on its own.
Did you get in trouble?
No.
Sykesy gave a talking
to all the girls in perfume,
make-up and fashion about loose
- morals.
- Oh, god! This is awful.
I know, she didn't
bother with us in shoes
cos, apparently, we're not at risk. Rude.
Well, in that case,
it's just as well that
I got myself a theatrical agent.
(LAUGHS)
Whoo!
It's a brand-new farce
called Move Over, Madam,
and your character is a flighty
young debutante whom the male lead,
Nigel, is keen to tup.
He is, of course,
prevented from doing so
by his shrewish hag of a wife.
Page 23, scene four.
And action!
For extra penetration,
wash your whites in Ripples.
Mm! Ripples, for when
things get really filthy.
No, Nigel! We can't do it here!
Not with your wife upstairs.
Stop!
Her shape's all wrong for our brand.
I'm sorry, not this time, darling.
Are you trying something?
What? What do you mean am?
I mean, that there, the accent.
It's not an accent, it's how I talk.
Oh, dear.
Hiya.
Maybe you shouldn't try for that.
If you should lose me
Oh, yeah
You'll lose a good thing
If you should lose me
Oh, yeah
You'll lose a good thing. ♪
I'm either the wrong type,
wrong shape, or just plain wrong.
Perhaps our accent
is holding us back?
I thought kitchen-sink drama
was all the rage.
For angry young men, dear.
Nobody wants an angry young woman
to come romping around the stage
beating her breasts
like an orangutan.
I can't help feeling we've
rather run out of options
on the, er, speaking part front.
(PATSY TALKS ON PHONE INDISTINCTLY)
Go to this address,
tell them I sent you.
And if you don't get this part, I'm
afraid our trial period is over.
I'd rather be cleaning toilets.
There is a call about who you sent
for casting in The Dining In.
Not a happy bunny.
And a very good morning
to you too, Beryl.
"Why did you send to the casting
of the role of the virgin bride
"an actress who is
five months pregnant?"Oh!
"I have ceased with your
services forever, Brian."
I'm sorry you feel that way.
(INDISTINCT)
Oh!
(SIGHS)
It's just
a silly old comedy playhouse,
no money to be made there, darling.
Comedy playhouse? Comedy shit-house.
- Pardon my French.
- Comedy playhouse?
I'd love to do one of those.
(LAUGHS)
Well, why didn't I think
of that, eh? Look at this,
Cicely is well spoken,
petite, brunette,
the varsity-educated daughter
of a fucking clergyman!
Of course, you're perfect casting!
Deep breath, deep breath, darling.
- Shall I loosen this?
- Yes. I've
spent my whole life being helpful.
(MUSIC PLAYS)..written by
Tony Holmes and Bill Gardiner,
directed and produced
by Dennis Mohindra.
Thank you so much. Marvellous work
as always. We'll be in touch.
Oh, could you show
- Marcie out, please?
- Of course.
We can catch up on
all the theatre gossip.
I hear there's been
much ado about nothing
over Richard Burton's Hamlet.
(LAUGHS)
Hello?
- Oh! My goodness!
- Oh!
Um
Sorry. I'll give you a hand.
No, sorry. Yes.
I haven't missed it, have I?
The audition?
I just saw Beryl in the corridor
and she said to get a wriggle on.
Beryl said that?
Oh, gosh! I'm so sorry, Miss
Um Sorry. We weren't,
um, expecting anyone else.
My agent definitely arranged
for me to meet you at 20 past.
Er, Beryl said to start without her.
I'm Sophie Straw.
Er, Dennis. Dennis Mohindra.
(GASPS) Mr Mohindra!
I've listened to
every single Awkward Squad,
it's the best thing since sausages.
Sorry, I don't even know what
- that means.
- Nice, well, thank you.
(LAUGHS)
Could you give me just one moment?
Um, apparently, there's
one more young lady for us.
Oh, Jesus, seriously? I thought
we all decided on Marcia Bell.
You might have decided on
Marcia Bell on the basis that
- you want to fuck her.
- Oh, that
ship's already sailed, actually.
But we haven't decided, right, Tony?
Well, she looks right for the part,
she's a very good classical actress
- but is she funny?
- Er, no.
She doesn't have to be funny.
I'm funny.
The script's funny in places.
Oh, steady on, Clive, you almost
gave the writers a compliment.
In that case, I take it back.
Fascinating as this discussion is,
can we hear the young lady read,
we've got to be out of here by 6pm.
Well, bring her in,
surely she can't be
more wrong for the part
than the other 20 we've seen.
Hi, everyone.
(LAUGHS)
So sorry, Miss Straw. Er, please.
I'm joking, apologies.
For some stupid reason,
I imagined Cicely as
the well-educated, upper class,
petite, brunette daughter
of a vicar.
I am brunette, honest.
Under the peroxide.
I know I don't look like
how you imagine Cicely
but you lot don't
look like how I imagined.
I thought you'd all be
tweedy posh lads with pipes.
You're Clive, aren't you?
Yes, you've seen me on the stage.
Did you catch his Coriolanus?
No, I had the vaccine.
(LAUGHS)
Sorry. No I just I recognised
his voice from the Awkward Squad.
Captain Smythe.
Described by one critic as having
the most irritating voice since
Peter Sellers played Bluebottle.
And he's not even putting it on.
- Hmm!
- Are you Bill or Tony?
I'm Bill. That's got to be a first.
Usually nobody knows
the writers' names until
they've read their obituary.
A-hem! Er, chaps, shall we push on
and let Miss Straw read?
Yes, do let's hear her read.
What have you prepared?
Prepared?
Well, I didn't really have time.
(IMITATES TRUMPET PLAYING)
The Awkward Squad was written
by Bill Gardiner, Tony Holmes
and produced by Dennis Mohindra.
Sparky was played by Frank Hector.
And Ooh!
Private Private was played by
(GIGGLES) ..somebody private.
And (GASPS) ..Captain Smythe
was played by Clive Richardson!
What the?
Ah, Beryl, perfect timing.
We were just auditioning Sophie.
Who?
Sophie Straw.
Spoke to her in the corridor?
I gather she's on your list?
She most certainly is not.
We've never met.
Sophie, I thought you said
Yeah, I rather think you've
been made a fool of, Dennis.
As if we'd ever cast
someone like her.
Sophie. Er, please, let me.
Thank you.
(MUSIC PLAYS)
(CHATTER AND WHISTLING)
AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk
I've got some troubles
but they won't last
I'm gonna lay right down
here in the grass
And pretty soon
all my troubles will pass
Cos I'm in shoo-shoo-shoo
Shoo-shoo-shoo
Shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo,
shoo-shoo Sugar Town. ♪
You wanna be an actress?
Aye think aye left may hombug hair?
My future lies in one man's hands.
Good looks and comic ability
rarely go hand in hand.
You've got the job.
(SHOUTING IN DELIGHT)
I wasn't sure about 'em
kissing and cuddling.
It's modern.
Chemistry's particularly
good tonight.
Don't let anyone tell you you can't
do what you want to do.
It's up to me what you say and when
you get to say it.
Times are changing. Get with it, or
get out of my way.
Sorry I let you down.