Game On! A Comedy Crossover Event (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

1
[upbeat pop music playing]
Whoo. All right, guys,
the Garvey Games announcements
are about to come out.
Ooh! I haven't been this nervous
since I made eye contact
with Kirstie Alley
on that Southwest flight.
I love the Garvey Games,
but I love their buffet even more.
At a buffet, everybody wins.
Well, except for the last guy.
The last guy does not win.
The Garvey Games
are my least favorite time of year.
I prefer a competition of the mind,
not the body.
I bet you're gonna have
a lot of dream catchers
when you grow up.
I didn't move here to lose. So
-who's our real competition?
-Ugh. The Ericksons.
Karine, her husband, Kory,
and their boys,
Keegan, Kellen, and Kendall.
All spelled with Ks because they are
what's the word? Monsters.
Oh! I know Keegan. We both play forward
on the hockey team,
and we're constantly competing
for ice time.
He's a real butthead.
Yeah. The Ericksons have won
the Garvey Games
the last seven years in a row.
But not this year.
Ooh! I cannot wait to see Karine
cry tears of defeat,
and I will use those tears
to salt the glass of my victory margarita,
which I will drink out of her skull.
Wait, Mom,
isn't Karine one of your oldest friends?
Oh, my God, yes. I love her.
She's my doubles partner.
Ah.
No, you do not want to peel that onion.
-[cell phone chimes]
-Oh!
The country assignments are in.
Please, let us get USA.
[all chanting] USA! USA!
Or Japan. Or any G7 country.
[all chanting] Any G7! Any G7!
And we got
the Federated States of Micronesia?
-What?
-Seriously?
-Come on!
-Such a beautiful chain of islands!
Okay, okay. You know what?
We can work with this.
We can make this work.
Okay, now event assignments
for the first round.
Lola, Pop-A-Shot.
Swish-swish, baby.
JJ, you're on Hula-Hoop.
I have hoop-bearing hips.
Show, you got shot put.
Oh, yeah, that's way more on-brand for me.
Last year, I had limbo.
I still feel bad
I turned that stick to sawdust.
And I will do the sumo event.
Ha! We are taking down the Ericksons
this year.
Hello. Aloha.
Konnichiwa. Guten Tag.
Don't forget about ol' Mandy.
Oh, no, honey. We didn't forget about you.
We reassigned you
to the most important position of all.
[gasps] Chairman of the Fed?
Team manager.
We don't want you to run.
Remember what happened last year?
[Big Show] Mmm.
[crowd cheering]
[whistle blows]
[retches]
[crowd groans]
I do hate running.
It's the yelling of exercise.
Okay everyone, on three. 
One, two, three.
[all] The Federated States of Micronesia!
Oof. That does not roll off the tongue.
-Let's try the initials.
-Okay.
-TFSOM!
-TFSOM!
-Yeah!
-TFSOM!
SOM!
Nope. That's much worse.
[bell dings]
[theme music playing]
[sighing] I am so tired.
Did Mom really have to wake us up
like that?
-[blowing whistle]
-[banging]
What time is it?
It's tomorrow in Micronesia,
so we're already behind!
[blowing, banging]
No one should have to get up at 4:00 a.m.
unless there's a royal wedding.
Hey, so are you sure you're cool
with being the manager?
I mean,
you're not really into sports, right?
No. The only sports movie
I like is Moneyball
because the hero is math.
Plus, I know Mom wants to beat Karine.
I'm so confused.
What's going on with that friendship?
Okay, let me break it down.
They've been friends forever.
They're super competitive,
and they say they like each other,
but their words never really match
their faces.
Love your top, Cassy.
I think I wore it last season.
Oh, but luckily, we live in Florida,
where there are no seasons.
Oh, there are at my cabin
in the mountains.
Did I not tell you?
We bought a really expensive cabin
in the mountains, in cash.
Oh, you paid in cash,
like the Russian mob or a drug dealer.
-So risky.
-[laughs]
She smiles while she says mean things,
just like a British person.
Do you want the over or the under
in the wheelbarrow race?
Got it.
Are you gambling on the Garvey Games?
It's not gambling if you win.
JJ, you know gambling is illegal.
Relax. I don't deal in cash.
It's strictly a candy operation.
I got a guy on the inside in Vegas.
He works the high-roller counter
at M&M World.
[upbeat pop music playing]
They have chocolate chip,
blueberry, and churro.
I got one of each 'cause they're free.
No. You can't eat that.
You're competing. You're important.
Here you go, Mandy.
Yay. Manager pancakes.
Okay, Lola, listen up.
There are only three families
we need to worry about.
The rest are amateurs.
The Ortegas,
great climbers, both rock and social.
-Got it.
-The Roberts.
Canadian, but don't kid yourself,
they will step on your neck,
and they won't say sorry.
But the real competition,
the thorn in our side,
the cavity in our mouths,
-the wedgie in our undies--
-Cassy--
I'm talking about them.
[rock music playing]
[music ends]
Every year, the Ericksons get Team USA,
and we get some terrible country.
I think they're bribing the school.
In their defense, they did hire
Usher's cousin
to write the new school anthem.
It's a real bop.
Happy Garvey Games, guys.
Oh, my gosh.
I love the Micronesian shirts.
They're so wonderfully basic
and thrown together.
We were inspired by your makeup.
[laughing]
Well, good luck this year.
-Oh, my gosh. Good luck to you.
-Oh! Give me a hug.
Oh, these feel so flammable.
-Good luck.
-Yeah.
Oh, the National Resources
Defense Council.
I love that organization.
Their e-mail blasts are poetry.
Totally. I mean, we only have one
[both] Earth.
Exactly.
Hi. I'm Summer.
Mandy.
I like the way you think. Are you an NPFM?
Uh, what's an NPFM?
Non-participant family member.
We're the family members
who don't participate
in this trivial display
of chest-bumping hubris.
OMG!
Hubris is my favorite H-word.
Mine's "helioseismology."
You know, you should come hang out
with me and the NPFMs in room 2B.
Oh, thank you, but I'm just here
to support my family today.
Okay. Well, it's up to you.
Favorite U-word, go!
[both] Ungulate.
Ung-you-later.
Welcome to the 17th Annual Garvey Games!
-[clapping]
-There's nothing I'd like to do more
on my summer vacation than come to work.
Yeah, and this year,
we've added a sick new event:
Hands on a WaveRunner.
Yeah. It's like Hands on a Hard Body,
except you put your hands
on a brand-new WaveRunner.
The winner gets the WaveRunner,
in case that wasn't obvious.
I've never wanted anything more
in my entire life.
To kick off the games,
let's welcome our mascot,
Manny the Manatee,
and our student band, the Bandatees!
[marching band playing]
Oh, oh, oh! And here comes little Desmond
with the Garvey Games torch.
Ah!
Yes. I had three to one
on that kid dropping the torch.
Knew he was a butterfinger.
Now, ironically, you owe me a Snickers.
JJ, I'm gonna play you something
I listen to to hype myself up.
It's me talking to me.
[Lola on phone]
Lola, you're faster than lightning.
Lola, you're nimble as a puma.
Lola, you're as strong as the bond
between Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber.
I recorded this a while ago.
Hey, Micros.
I hope JJ's ready
for the Hula-Hoop competition.
Kendall's Hula-Hoop trainer said
that he has Shakira hips,
and he don't lie.
Mmm. That's sweet.
Yeah, JJ doesn't need training.
As a baby, she sat, crawled,
Hula-Hooped, then walked.
I love Hula-Hoop.
I love an ice-cream scoop.
I love anything that rhymes with "poop."
She's a genius.
All right, participants,
grab your Hula-Hoops.
And on my whistle, start hooping.
-Okay, let's go.
-[whistle blows]
-Go, go, go! Yes, JJ!
-Come on!
-No, move your hips!
-Move!
-Come on!
-Move your hips!
What? Wait. JJ, what happened?
I bet against myself.
By losing, I'm actually winning.
Wicked smart, right?
Jennifer Jane, you cannot gamble.
You especially can't bet
on the sport you're playing in.
Oh, that makes a lot of sense.
They should make that a rule.
It's literally the number one rule.
[sighs]
Okay, no bathroom breaks.
No food breaks.
No cutting the brakes on teachers' cars.
Fool me twice, James.
-May the best hand win.
-[whistle blows]
Hope you're ready to accept defeat.
Please. I've wanted one of these
water motorcycles for a long time.
No regular-sized man's gonna stop me.
Oh, is that a water bottle
from the musical Wicked?
Yeah. You got a problem with that?
Uh, yeah, considering
you probably don't even appreciate
what a soaring theatrical accomplishment
it is.
Please.
I've seen it 14 times
and once in Japanese.
Well, I've seen it with Idina Menzel.
What? You've seen it with the OBC?
The original Broadway cast?
Orchestra center, son.
Wow.
You know, Garvey Prep should do that
as their next musical.
Oh, your Mandy would be
a terrific Elphaba.
She's got the pipes.
Thank you. And your son Kellen
would be a great stage manager.
Anything with a clipboard
is where he shines.
[whistle blows]
Well, he's out. Apparently, no WaveRunner
is worth listening
to two supersized drama dorks.
Wow!
Mandy. Glad you're here.
Let me give you a tour.
Okay.
So that's our meditation corner.
Those are feminist crochet beanbags.
And, ooh, would you like
some of our vegan charcuterie?
Oh, my God.
Did I just die and wake up in a TED Talk?
Welcome home, sister.
Thank you. I am never leaving.
[both laugh]
Shoot. We're already down four medals
to the Ericksons.
It's okay. I'm about to school the USA
in Pop-A-Shot.
They call me
the LeBron James of Micronesia.
Hey, Keegan.
I'm in your head now.
[coughing] Oh, my God.
That was a lot of chalk.
[whistle blows]
[Cassy] Okay, come on, Lola!
Go, go, go, go!
Yes! Oh, my gosh, you're killing it!
Get it, girl!
-Yes! Lola! Whoo!
-[whistle blows]
-[Miss Riggi] Micronesia!
-Yes!
-Yes!
-[yelling excitedly]
[cheering]
Yes!
Whoo! Yes!
-[crowd cheering]
-[bucket clanking]
[whistle blows]
-And the winner is
-Yes, yes?
-Yeah!
-Yeah! Whoo!
-Yes!
-Yes!
[crowd cheering]
[both yell]
Jeez!
Yes!
What JJ doesn't realize is
I've been watering down her Capri Suns
the whole time.
No, no, no, we don't even allow those
in our house.
I make my own drink.
Half water, half lemon juice.
Call it Erick-Suns.
You know, like our last name.
Oh, I get it, bro. And I love it.
-[man groaning]
-[whistle blows]
All right, time check.
Three hours. What a waste.
Man, time really flies
when you're connecting with someone.
Truth, man, truth. [groans]
My shoulder won't stop acting up
after fixing Kellen's bike.
Hey, let me at that shoulder.
I'll show you a trick I learned
back in my WWE days.
What are you-- Okay, man to man?
-Yeah.
-This feels really good.
Ow! What?
And that's to remind you
to stay on your side.
Good job, honey. [laughs]
Hey, guys, great news.
We're both in the finals. How fun is that?
Oh, the funnest fun.
Can I just say that I am so glad
it's your family we're up against?
Oh, so glad. I mean, like, so glad.
I know. I'm, like, super-duper glad.
[both] Yay
[all exhale deeply]
Wow. I'm gonna say something bold.
I think that was
my favorite Terry Gross interview to date.
Absolutely. Co-sign.
[snapping]
Wow. [sniffs]
It smells like a public library in here.
Welcome, JJ. Please remove your shoes.
Not happening, dawg.
I just came to check on you.
Aw. That's so sweet.
But I've never felt so connected
to a group in my life.
These people are my people.
So, nerds?
Oh, which reminds me.
I need you to hold my stash of Nerds.
Why are you giving this to me?
It's my emergency candy stash.
Don't give it to me.
Even if I beg, cry, or plead.
If I look like I'm dying,
and the only thing that'll save me
is a Twix,
do not give it to me!
Jeez, I get it. So dramatic.
Cool.
Oh, hey, can you just toss me a Kit Kat
for the road?
Sure.
What did I just say?
[upbeat pop music playing]
Hey, man, it's been really great
getting to know you.
Sucks that we both can't have
this WaveRunner.
I was thinking the same thing.
It's like we have the same brain.
Well, here's a thought
that you probably are also thinking
because we share a brain. Duh.
What if we take our hands off
at the exact same time?
And share custody of the WaveRunner?
Yes. I'll take it out Fourth of July,
and you take it out Labor Day.
I love that.
Hey, would it be crazy
if we just rode it one time together?
Huh?
-Whoo!
-Oh, this is awesome!
-This is super fun!
-Whoo!
Whoo!
Now I only want to ride this together.
Let's take our hands off when I say go.
Ready, set
go.
[whistle blows]
Ladies and gentlemen,
we finally have a winner.
Gabe Iglesias!
Whoo-hoo! [laughs]
Whoo! [laughing]
Oh, man!
Oh, this is awesome!
I've always wanted to win one of these.
Oh, man, never wanted to buy one,
but I did wanna win one.
[sighs] Let me tell you something.
The real prize, the real prize,
was watching
this beautiful friendship unfold
and blossom right in front of me.
Two grown, adult men.
Oh!
You two. The real heroes.
Do you have any family at this school?
No. No.
Hey, listen, I'm a real big fan.
You think you can, uh
autograph it right there
where your hand was, uh
before you lost?
Anything for a fan.
Oh, man, this is sweet.
I am never washing this off.
The ocean might,
but the memory will always be right here.
And-- Oh! [laughs]
Ooh.
Here we go. This is gonna be
my new dating profile pic.
-Take that, Marsha.
-[camera clicks]
[upbeat pop music playing]
All right, we're down
to only two families:
the Wights and the Ericksons.
Now, here are your rules
for the final relay race.
One, no open-toed shoes.
This isn't Bible times or a Phish concert.
And two, all members of the family
must pass the baton to each other.
And by the way, instead of batons,
we have eggs.
Exciting stuff, fam.
Oh, Cassy, did you hear that?
All family members have to compete.
Where's your other daughter?
Oh, no, all my daughters are here.
Let's get started.
I don't see the middle one.
You know, the one with a thyroid problem.
Mandy doesn't have a thyroid problem.
A-ha!
-I knew you had another daughter.
-Dang it.
Cassy, come on.
Look, I also want to win,
but this is going too far.
[sighs]
Okay, fine.
I'll go get Mandy.
And her perfect thyroid!
[gasps]
The 1911 Triangle Shirtwaist fire.
-Yes.
-Yes!
Hey. Uh, let's go, honey.
We need you to compete in the final relay.
But we're playing
Historical Tragedies Pictionary.
What? Oh, no.
You're gonna have to come back
to sad Pictionary later. Come on.
But I don't wanna leave this place.
This is my heaven.
Mom, I think I'm an indoor kid.
Oh, honey, of course you are.
When you were four,
you said your sworn enemy was the beach.
Look, Mandy, I am sorry.
What happened this morning
when I sidelined you, that was wrong.
You know, if I participate,
we're gonna lose,
and I'm probably gonna throw up.
I've had so many pieces of cashew cheese,
my stomach is barking.
[chuckles]
And, honey, if we lose, that's fine.
The family being together is what matters,
and whatever happens,
we'll have a lot more fun
with you by our side.
What do you say?
[inhales]
[sighs] Okay, Mom.
For you and only you, I'll do it.
Okay. Come on.
Okay.
Goodbye, soul mates.
I hope we meet again.
And, Summer,
I'll see you in the comments section
of the New Yorker online.
[loudly] All right, everyone.
I don't need this.
My voice is a natural megaphone.
If you break your egg,
you'll be disqualified,
and you'll be charged for the egg.
Eggs don't grow on trees, people.
That's just science.
We are so close to being champs, y'all.
I can feel it.
Okay, okay, here is the lineup.
I will go first on dizzy bat.
Show, JJ, Slinky race.
Lola, tunnel crawl,
and Mandy, you are last on tricycle.
Wait, wait, you're putting me last?
That's way too much pressure.
Mandy, you'll be a great anchor.
But an anchor's the thing
that literally stops the ship.
[whistle blows]
Okay. [clears throat]
Oh, hey, Karine,
try not to use this
in your signature egg salad.
You know, the one that gave everyone gas
at the school picnic.
At least I made something.
You just brought KFC.
Mmm. And it went so fast.
On your mark, get set, go!
-Oh!
-[whistle blows]
[crowd cheering]
[marching band song playing]
[cheering continues]
Come on! Go!
-Okay, come on, Mandy, start pedaling.
-Go, go!
I I can't do this. Just disown me,
so I won't be a part of the family,
and you can win without me.
[sprays]
Mom, I'm not a cat.
Snap out of it.
You are a part of this family.
And not only are you going to participate,
you are going to win!
Come on! Go!
-Yes! Go, go, go, go!
-That's it!
-Mandy, go, go, go, go, go!
-Yes!
-Yes!
-[Big Show] You can do it! Come on, Mandy!
[Cassy] Go, go, go, go!
Oh, my gosh!
Yeah!
[all cheering]
[Cassy yelling excitedly]
Oh! Yes! She did it!
Yeah!
[crowd chanting] Mandy! Mandy! Mandy!
Mandy! Mandy!
Mandy! Mandy!
-Mandy!
-No! No! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, there is no way they won.
No way. I challenge.
No, no, we won fair and square.
No, there's no way
that your weak indoor child
beat my Kellen.
What did you say about my daughter?
I said that she is weak and lame,
like the rest of your dumb family.
-[egg cracks]
-[crowd gasps]
-[Miss Riggi] Ooh!
-[Big Show] Ooh.
[vomits]
Oh, Mandy! Oh, honey, are you-- [gags]
Mandy. Mandy.
[upbeat pop music playing]
You know it's bad when Mom puts herself
in a time-out.
She did get us disqualified
for unsportsmanlike conduct.
Yeah, the screaming, the rage,
the way she tore that trophy apart
with her bare hands.
I fell in love all over again. [chuckles]
Look at my haul.
It's another great day to be JJ.
How much did you gamble?
A lot.
I thought candy was addicting,
but gambling is very addicting.
They should warn people about that.
Wow. That is a lot of candy.
I bet everything on you.
You're my sister. I believed in you.
Oh, JJ, that's so sweet.
I also bet ten to one you'd blow chunks,
so I cleaned house, baby.
Cassy, I think you've been
in time-out long enough.
No, I haven't been punished enough.
Maybe you should roll up the newspaper
and hit me on the nose a couple times.
Okay, first of all, you're not a dog,
and second, what's a newspaper?
I just
I cannot believe I acted like that.
Karine is supposed to be my friend.
Cassy, let me tell you a story.
[laughs] So, you're 
telling me stories now?
Yes.
Back in Minnesota, I had this friend
who was also named Lola.
We hated each other,
but we pretended to be friends
because we both had the same name.
Well, that's dumb.
Exactly.
Things got really messy
between Lola Two and me.
Oh, so you were Lola Number One?
No. I was just Lola.
Why does everyone always ask that?
The point is, one day,
I sent her a radically honest text
saying I didn't want
to be friends anymore.
Oh, you can just do that?
That's an option?
Yes.
And the second I hit send,
I felt a weight had been lifted.
You should do that with Karine.
No, you're you're right. But how?
I think I figured out a way to fix it.
[doorbell rings]
Did you Postmates wine? Good call.
-Hey.
-[gasps]
Nobody's here! Go away!
You have breached the alarm system.
You will be arrested.
Wee-hoo! Wee-hoo!
Cops.
Two words: radical honesty.
[sighs]
Karine, Kory, how are you?
Okay, you know what? Forget it.
I am too tired from today to do this.
Karine, can I talk to you?
Okay.
[excitedly] Oh, hey, Karine. Is Kory here?
I mean, whatever.
I mean, if he's here, I'll go say hi.
You know, if you hear any laughing or
harmonizing, you know, just being polite.
Whatever.
Okay, uh
Let me start by saying
I am so sorry I threw an egg at your back.
That was so childish of me,
and I knew it was wrong
because it felt so good.
No, no, no, no, no. Thank you,
but I think that I was at fault.
And I don't know what this thing is
that we do,
but it's exhausting.
Okay, I'm gonna try something.
It's called radical honesty.
Here goes.
I don't want to be friends
with you anymore.
Oh, my God.
Oh
I feel the exact same way.
-Oh. Wow.
-[chuckles]
Oh! [laughs] This is, like, 
the first thing we've ever agreed on.
-This is amazing. I feel so alive.
-[laughing]
Oh, my gosh. So, what do we do next?
Well, pfft, I'll tell you
what we don't have to do.
-Coffee, yogalates, bag parties,
-Ugh. Yes.
co-chairing the school dance.
-Never.
-Winesday, Thurswine.
-Brunch
-Yes.
-uh, football Sunday
-Yeah.
-annual Cabo trip
-Oh, God.
and Christmas dinner.
Wait,
so can we not be friends on social media?
-Yes.
-[laughs]
A thousand times, yes.
Okay. Okay. Grab your phones.
We are going to consciously
unfriend each other right now.
-Okay.
-Okay. Facebook first. On three.
One, two, three.
[both gasp] Ooh!
[laughs] Okay, now, Instagram.
-Done.
-One, two, three.
[both] Ah!
Everyone, Karine and I have
an announcement to make.
We are no longer friends.
Wait, wait, wait.
What does that-- Wait. What?
This is good. Yeah, it's good.
-Thank you, and I look forward
-Thank you.
to ignoring you
in the hallways at school.
-See you not later.
-Hmm. See you not later.
Done. Done. Done. Done.
Let's go home, Kory. I'm done.
Can we still be friends?
Nah, bro. Dolls before Guys and Dolls.
Does this mean
we're not seeing Guys and Dolls together?
No,
of course we're seeing G and D together.
Who's gonna get mad if we just happened
to sit next to each other
wearing matching fedoras?
Probably the people behind you.
Cassy, we're proud of you.
Oh, and I'm proud of you.
Guys, no matter what anyone says,
we won the Garvey Games,
and we did it by sticking together
as a family.
Okay, everyone, Micronesia on three.
One, two, three.
[all] The Federated States of Micronesia!
Nope, never gonna work.
We better get something good next year.
And the Garvey Games country
for this year is
the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg?
Come on!
[groaning]
[theme music playing]