Gap Year (2017) s01e01 Episode Script
China - The Wall
1 What? A lads' holiday, in China? Why are you doing that? Oh, well, he's been away at uni for a year.
You know, he's a student.
So we thought we'd have a bit of a catch up.
And he just got dumped, so it's a bit Oh, I'm sorry, but that's not what I meant.
I meant, why China? - That was me.
- That was Dildo's idea.
- Erm, Dylan.
- Yeah.
I don't really mind where we go, as long as we get smashed, soak up the sun, meet some girls, you know.
Oh, no, you're not going to get to do that.
- Of course we can.
- What do you mean we won't do that? Cos this is what I do.
It's my job.
I'm a travel writer.
So trust me when I say that China is not right for you.
This is not ideal, is it? Hearing about this right now, on the plane.
- Not really.
No.
- Sorry about that.
But you have made a mistake.
Unless you're going for a reason that I'm not aware of.
No.
No, course not.
- We just wanted to do something a bit different.
- Different.
- Out there.
- Yeah.
- Didn't want to fall into the same old tourist traps - as everyone else.
- Yeah, but you will though.
You will.
You'll find them.
- What's them? Who's them? - Everyone else.
The kids exactly like you.
It's like two dung beetles on top of a pile of lion poop, and one says to the other, "Hey, fancy meeting you here!" - You know? - No.
- No.
You're all into the same shit.
Anyway fellas, I hope that your friendship still functions in a different context.
In my experience, it may not.
So just enjoy Thailand.
But we're not going to Thailand.
But you will.
- Don't listen to her.
- No.
- This is going to be amazing.
Promise! China! Hey, I'm in love My fingers keep on clicking to the beating of my heart Hey it's cause of you The world is in a crazy hazy hue My heart is beating like a jungle drum Bad-a-dunk-da-dunk-da-dunk My heart is beating like a jungle drum Rack-a-dug-a-dunk-dunk a-rack-a-dunk-dunk.
Are like are there any beaches in Beijing? Or is it more - This? - It's this, yeah, but it's amazing, right? Yeah! Yeah, definitely.
The sheer rate of progress.
15 years ago these guys were just riding bikes.
Yeah.
I mean, so were we.
Shall we find a bar or something then, get this holiday going? Sean, it's 7am.
- Well, it's midnight in London.
- It's not a holiday, by the way.
We're travelling.
It's all about embracing new experiences.
Yeah, OK.
Let's travel then.
- Eh, look out for a toilet.
- Let's go, Beijing! I think I'm going to find another one.
Something a bit more Western.
Yeah.
I think I might change out of these flip-flops.
Dyl? Are you all right in there? - Have you got the shits already, or what? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just give me a sec, OK? There's another guy waiting to use the toilet though.
Ah, no, you're all right, bud.
Don't you worry.
Been there, done that, blocked the U-bend.
There are just so many squat toilets in China that when you actually do find a proper sit-down job, it's good to enjoy yourself.
Let rip.
Really open her up.
Fill your boots, mate.
I've just come back from Guilin.
- Oh! - Oh, yeah.
- Right, right.
Nice.
- Yes.
Have you been? - Nope.
- What is it? - What's Guilin? - Yeah.
- Wow! Magical.
It's the one with the big green hills.
The hillocks.
We went rafting, me and I'm travelling with two girls.
- Oh, nice.
- Yeah, not bad.
We went rafting.
It's just cheaper as a threesome.
We're not a threesome.
I wish we were.
But, no, It's just very expensive to hire a raft on your own.
Or any vessel.
You learn that the hard way, believe you me.
Oh, I must tell you, I got given a massive water proof.
Right, do you know what? I'll meet you outside, yeah? - All right, mate.
- All right.
- All right.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Old school.
Hey! - Hi! - Hi, hi.
- Do you speak English? - Yeah, yeah, I can.
I'm I'm I can I'm English.
OK, amazing.
Erm, so, could you This stuff belongs to a friend of ours.
He's just inside using the bathroom.
And we just don't want to leave it unattended.
- Oh, yeah.
I just met him.
- Could you just watch it till he gets back? - Yeah, yeah, sure.
Sure, sure, sure.
- Amazing.
OK.
Thanks.
Sorry, but why can't you do it? - Why can't I do it? - We're going to miss our train.
- Right, we're going to miss our train.
- So isn't he going with you? He, erm Yeah, May, this isn't working.
OK, look.
We met this guy at Guilin.
Shared a raft? I know.
Right.
And he tagged along to Beijing.
- And now he wants to come and camp by the Great Wall with us.
- Oh, cool.
- I know, right? It's with the Beijing Panda Hostel, if you want to do it, it's ready cool.
No, Ash, stop inviting people.
- OK.
- Anyways, we're just going to leave these here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't dump him on me.
He's not my problem.
OK.
Please, there's a lot riding on this for me, you know? It's like a big homecoming trip, so We've had him for four days.
This isn't a take-it-in-turns thing.
It's not my turn with him.
If you guys don't want him around, just tell him.
Thank you, that's exactly what I said.
But she's She's scared.
Sean, come on.
We've got to get a wiggle on, man.
Come on.
OK.
Well, maybe we'll see you guys around.
- Bye! - Bye.
- See you.
Why's it so heavy? Have you got your plumbing tools in here or what? - That's Mum's old one.
- Yeah, is your mum in here? You all right in there, Janine?! They were cute.
Why do I have to tell him? You're the one who has a problem with the guy.
You invited him on our raft.
You caused this shit show.
- He would have come anyway.
- He wouldn't.
- People like him need to be invited in.
- Oh, like vampires? Yes.
Yes, like vampires.
He's like a very chatty British vampire.
And I am paying for all of this.
- So - May, your mom's paying, not you.
Please, it's not like he's adding anything.
Just found a load of money.
Whoopsie! - Hundred.
Hundred.
Hundred.
- Way to go, Greg! - Smell the money, May.
- I'm not smelling the money, Ashley.
- Come on.
Cos those girls were saying there's this place by the Wall where we can go camping.
Which could be kind of sick, and cultural, for you.
- Maybe we could see a panda.
- I've heard pandas are a bit shit.
- What? How can a panda be shit? - How can it not be, in a way? I've got it all mapped out, OK? Over the next ten weeks, we're going to see every Asian culturally good thing.
Beaches, walls, ninjas, the lot.
We don't have to follow the first couple of girls we meet.
OK? All right.
I'm just saying.
You're single now, it's the best way of getting over Hitler, isn't it? Sean.
Can you not call Lauren Hitler? Yeah? What? Why not? Because it's Hilter.
It's a Scottish name, Hilter.
She just gets upset when people confuse her with the Fuhrer.
Well, I think it suits her.
They're both arseholes.
They both got the What?! She dumped you.
You should be calling her Hitler as well.
Yeah, but just because we broke up doesn't mean I want to besmirch her.
Right, if that means slag her off, then yeah, that's exactly what you should be doing.
Just let me handle it, OK? I know what I'm doing.
What is it? This is your money now.
OK? Finders keepers.
I just think, guilt-wise, I'd be happier if we split it.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Me, too.
- Yeah, you want some? Yeah, that's great.
That's a great idea.
- Yeah, you take that.
- OK, thank you.
- Boom.
OK, I cannot keep relying on your mom's very anal budget, May.
I need some cash for me.
I'm really going to need some sunglasses.
Yeah, gotcha.
You know, we might see them again anyway.
We don't know.
Come back down from the Great Wall, bump into them, - who knows? - Greg, about that.
It'll be really uncomfortable and boring up there, so if you don't want to come camping Two girls, on their own, in a tent in the middle of nowhere.
- Yes, please.
- What? Is what your attacker will be thinking.
Of course I'm coming, May.
Look after you both.
Hey, guys? I'll have a piece of this.
Oh, my God, this is a nightmare.
- He will not take a hint.
- What's happening? Yes, please! With the rucksack on.
- How much was it? - 50 to 200, something like that.
Well, which one, 200 or 50? It doesn't matter, it's gone.
It's not going to be there.
I'm going to have 45-grand's worth of student debt.
What's another few hundred quid? Yeah, another reason why I'm grateful I'm not a student.
Yeah.
Here.
Put this on.
For the pollution.
No, I've got that covered, really.
So how's it all going then, at uni and stuff? - Yeah, yeah, it's good.
- Yeah? - Walk and talk? Well, like Tony won't let me work in gas, so I only get to work in like taps and showers.
It's pretty wet work.
I'm wet a lot.
Hang on a sec, Sean.
This is - We're going to stop here.
- OK.
- Cool.
- What? Aren't we carrying on then? - No, we're here.
We're here.
Cool.
So, what is it? Well, it's a traditional park.
Your bamboo, your pagoda.
Wow, we've even got some traditional Chinese buskers.
Oh, sick.
What, is it like an attraction? Oh, yeah.
Big-time.
A big attraction.
It's definitely up there.
So should we find a hotel now then? - Yeah, in a bit.
- Catch up, have a beer.
We need to take it in first, Sean.
- I have taken it in.
- You can't have taken it in.
- You just got here.
- Seriously, I need to put my bags down.
- Well, just a sec, Sean.
- Why? Just because - Dylan! - Lauren? Wow! Lauren! What are the - What are the chances? - Oh, my God, Dylan, you can't be here.
No! We're just on holiday.
You know, travelling around Asia.
Erm We were coming here anyway.
- Really? - So How mad is this? - What, she's here? - Well, evidently I'm here.
No, I mean, is that why we're here? No, we came to see the park.
Asia.
I'm talking about Asia.
No, this? We, erm This is coincidence.
- Or fate.
- No, stalking.
Stalking? Wow! We're stalking? No, we're not stalking.
Is that why you made me wear this facemask? - No, that's for the air.
- Oh, my God, is this even an attraction? - No, it's a park.
- Well, it's an attractive park.
Look, I cannot believe you're accosting me like this, Dylan, in public.
It's really not on.
You didn't reply to any of my e-mails, so how did I know? And you just ended it.
Why did you do that? - Oh, yeah, Dylan, I can't do this.
- Babe, please.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Just listen to me.
You are my home.
I lived in you and wanted for naught.
What are you doing now? - It's a poem, Sean.
- It doesn't even rhyme.
Just wait by the bags, yeah? What, like a caddie? Like your stalking caddie? No, Sean.
That's golf.
OK? And now I'm homeless, caught.
And I've I've tried I've tried Sorry, who's this guy? Oh, Norm, Nailer.
Hey, everyone calls me Social Norm.
On acount of me being very social.
Running in the AM, funning in the PM.
Yeah, Norm, this is Dylan.
He was We go to university together.
And this is Dylan's home friend.
- It's Sean.
- Right.
Nice.
Well, welcome.
Well, it was really great to see you guys briefly, - but I've really got to go, Dylan.
- Babe, please.
I've only got a very narrow time window.
Just wait, there's just one more thing I need to say to you Have a good trip, hombres.
Don't do any ONE I wouldn't do! All right! Dyl? I don't get it.
We were each other's everything.
We'd run together, we'd breathe together.
And we'd make simple, but delicious Lebanese food together.
And then she just Out of nowhere, she ends it.
And won't tell me why.
You think you know someone and then they just change, - you know what I mean? - I do, actually, yeah.
I mean, what did you think I was? Just some kind of idiot? That I'm going to think the whole thing was just some kind of miraculous miracle or surprise? No, I thought that I could talk to her, and the three of us could go travelling.
- Three of us? We're not three, Dyl.
- No, of course not yet! I don't want to go travelling with a couple.
I live at home.
I spend all my time with a couple.
Yeah, but it wouldn't be like that.
It's me and Lauren, it's not your mum and Tony.
Yeah, I know it's not.
They're not always banging on about jogging or being vegans.
Vegetarians.
From Nish in Glastonbury.
We could have been anywhere, Dyl.
But we're in China, with all this smell of people shitting on the floor.
- I'm sorry.
- Stalking Hitler and her new boyfriend.
- I don't think they're a couple.
- He had his arm around her.
Yeah, but he's Social Norm.
He's famously social.
He slapped her on the bum! - Yeah, but that could be a running thing, I'm sure.
- My God! Dyl, are you serious?! Give it up! You've gone mad! OK? It's over.
Yeah, it's over.
I'm sorry.
You know what? Whatever.
It don't even matter.
Let's just We can turn this trip around.
Forget about Lauren.
It's not about her any more, it's about me and you.
Old-school fun times.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
And thank you so much.
I'm up for getting lashed, if you want.
No, it's cool.
I've got a better idea.
Drink up.
Quick.
Oh, hi.
Hi, sorry, do you know which side is better for the wall? Cos we want the most sun, but the least tourists, so OK, er ~ - American, you? - No, Chinese.
- Shen - INDISTINC What was that? Shen? Hey, I think that's what the raff guy called you.
"Shen jao" something.
- I'm pretty sure that - All right? - Oh, hey! - Hey! - You made it.
- Yeah.
So, you managed to get rid of him, then? - What.
- Ooh! - Hey.
I'm Sean.
- Greg Lavelle.
- We met earlier.
- In the boys' bogs! - In the boys' bogs.
- Yeah, we did.
How are you? - I'm good, how are you? - Yeah, yeah.
I'm good, thank you.
You must be captain constipated.
- He was waiting for you for ages.
- Hi, yeah.
Dylan Nutkin.
- Hey OK, you're doing that.
- Lovely to meet you.
Hi.
- Here he comes.
- Hi.
The old smoothie.
Greg Lavelle.
This is May.
And this is Ashley.
- Ashley.
- And together we are the three Rafter-teers.
- That's not our name, Greg.
We're not a group.
- Oh, brother? I think you might be in luck here.
- No.
- Did you leave some money in the boys' bogs? - Yes! - What? - Oh - Amazing.
- Oh, wow.
Amazing.
- Yeah, that was my Thomas Cook, yeah.
Thank you so much.
- Oh, yeah.
Any time.
There you go.
OK.
We just spent, like a little bit.
Erm, I hope that's OK.
Sure.
- That's fine.
That's fine.
- Yeah.
So then the Helen broke her arm cycling in to an ambulance, which is pretty hilarious, so she couldn't come, and Helen knew that I didn't have any plans over the summer, so she was like, "Why don't you go to China instead? "Because it's free and you and May will get along great.
" - So, yeah, we do.
We do, right? - Mm.
- It's great.
So you guys didn't know each other from before this.
No, amazing, just pure fortune.
No, sorry, I was just talking to Ashley and May.
Well, I mean, I knew of her.
But my mum wouldn't let me go on my own.
Thank God.
We've seen some crazy-ass shit here.
Yeah, I mean, it's not crazy for me.
- But you've never been here before either.
- No, I know, it's just You know, it's my heritage, so I get it.
What about you guys? - Oh, we're sort of a lads holiday.
- What? - DYLAN: No, Sean.
- No, travelling.
I mean travelling.
Just travelling.
Around Asia.
MAY: OK, so why China? Er, well, we just thought it would be interesting.
You know, we both like kung fu and rice.
Right, dildo? Yeah, no, and I'm doing a module in the Chinese philosophy.
So Well, I study philosophy.
MAY: "Dildo".
Are you called dildo? Yeah! No, no.
Of course not.
That's just an old nickname.
It's Dylan.
- You bell-end! - BEEPING AND ENGINE SCREECHES - Jeez.
- Sorry, can you tell the driver to just drive a bit more carefully, please? Sure.
Sure.
~ Is it a case of charades? Xiangjiao ren.
OK, I'm finding out what that means.
You know, this happens all the time.
I think she's actually been learning Japanese.
"Xiangjiao ren, banana person.
"Derogatory Chinese term for simulated Asian-Americans, "yellow on the outside, white on the inside.
" It's OK, it's meant as a joke.
So And that is you all over.
She's a total banana.
He's got your number.
Winding you up.
Oh, yes.
Sean, just a quick one Erm, maybe don't call me "dildo" in front of the others.
Just, dildos are a bit offensive to women.
Dildos are offensive to women? No.
Maybe.
It's an interesting moral conundrum.
- Cos you have been a bit of a dildo.
- I know, I'm sorry.
Just makes us look bad.
Obama! - And there's buying this tourist tat.
- What? I'm sorry I'm honestly not trying to be a dick.
- Try a bit harder.
- I know, I am.
I will.
I'm on it.
This is going to be so ideal.
That's a guarantee.
Right.
Oi, oi, oi, oi.
Do you know what you're getting? Not specifically, but my mum says Chinese snacks are the best.
Oh, because you cannot go wrong with the old Pringles.
Hey, are we allowed to buy wine now? Cos the camping's meant to be more relaxed, right? Well, my mum isn't meant to be paying for alcohol and, you know, we'd have to buy a corkscrew as well.
DYLAN: Sorry, guys! Did I just buy 30 beers? - Yes, brother! - What, seriously? 30? Yeah.
Old school fun times, mate.
That's I'm talking about, dildo.
I'm beginning to fall in love with you.
Yes, please.
Getting lashed on the Great Wall.
As God intended.
We do all right.
Right Hey.
Which one do you think you fancy? Cos I reckon May might like you.
Wall.
ees! "Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall!" That's what I'm talking about.
- What a wall! China! - MAY: Greg! - Can you ssh, please? - Sure, sorry.
- Can I just take this in - Of course.
- .
.
in silence! - Yes.
Been to the Berlin wall.
Been to the Wailing Wall.
But then you get to this wall and you just think, - "Well, they were shit walls.
" - Greg! Ssh! Sure.
Shh China has absolutely nailed it.
Mum? Yeah.
I'm safe.
GREG LAUGHS There's a slide on the wall, apparently.
Where? Here? - No, somewhere totally different.
- Because! It doesn't matter.
Yeah.
Great.
- Well, I'm trying to appreciate - Wall-to-wall wall, isn't it? - This is it, this is the camp site.
- OK, I got to go, mum.
Goodbye.
OK, yeah, this is really amazing.
Um Why are there other people camping over here? That's the whole point of coming to wild wall, to watch the sunrise without having tourists in our fricking eye-line! What do we do? We could erect some kind of wall.
I'll, um, I'll ask them to move.
- Thank you, Dylan.
Great.
- Big guy.
Can you put your bloody comic book down - and help me inflate this thing, please? - Graphic novel.
And I can't help you inflate it because there's only one Er, hello? Hi.
Sorry, erm I just wondered, have you guys seen a music festival anywhere? It's meant to be on the wall, but it's not back that way - Where on the wall? - You see, I don't know, but it's just on the wall.
- So maybe you walked past it, or? - Walked past it? - Do you know how long this thing is? - I know it's long It's 5,000 miles.
Even The Proclaimers couldn't walk this.
- So, you haven't walked past it, then? - No.
- Great, OK.
Well, it's actually pretty good, cos my ex-girlfriend's going to be there and I really don't want to see her, but I do really want to see her.
It's just - Yeah, we don't give a shit.
- OK, Kendra.
Don't be rude.
I'm being rude?! He's the one sticking his head into our tent without even knocking.
I'm sorry, but it's a tent, it's not very knock-able.
Hey.
- Could you get a photo of us, please? - Yeah, sure.
Smile.
Cheese.
That's great.
You're so sweaty.
We're doing our honeymoon photomontage thing.
Wait, you two are married? DYLAN LAUGHS - I thought you were brother and sister.
- What? Well, no, you just look similar and your overall vibe is - What vibe? - What vibe? - Is there vibe? No, no, no, there's no vibe.
Could you piss off now, please? Yeah.
No, I want to.
Oh, actually, can you guys just scooch down a bit? - It's just we're to get - Yeah, you should really go now.
- Yeah, I OK.
- Jesus Christ.
- Right, yeah.
Leave the flap open, why don't you? Some people have no manners.
Well, this one's some kind of fungus.
And that is duck.
- Neck.
- Neck.
Well, that's what you get when you let a banana buy your food for you.
Let's get this mega-lash underway, shall we? - Let's, er, you know, take it slow, Greg.
- Uh? - It's 7pm.
- 7pm? - Yeah.
- Oh, my godfathers.
- What? The bloody cricket's started.
- Thank you, Mavis.
- What? Ooh - COMMENTATOR: - Fuller delivery this time, pitched just outside How long's that going to be on for? - About five days.
- Oh.
- Oh, yes.
Come on, England! Give me another yucky ducky.
- Oh, yes, Greg.
- Stuart Broad So, what do you think of the beer? Mm.
Yeah, it's good.
It's just very warm.
Yeah, sorry, they didn't have any cold ones Ooh, I bought you something.
Ah - Just to say sorry, you know, for the whole Lauren thing.
- Obama.
- Thanks, mate.
- Well, yeah, it's just, it's over between us now and It's just me and you, so - Yes, Dill.
- MESSAGE ALER Just like old times.
Thanks, Dill.
- There're probably trying to decide who they fancy.
- DYLAN LAUGHS Love it, love it - Where are we supposed to hide? - I don't know.
You're the one who suggested it.
You said we'd lose them up here.
No, I know! It's just - These other guys are here now, so - So? But they're fun! And Come on, Greg was - He's not that bad.
- Howzee! - Yes! - COMMENTATOR: - Bowled! Clattering into off stump.
I don't even know what cricket is, and I hate it.
Please, I've been planning this trip for years, you know? And that plan never included Bye-bye.
Off you pop, mate! - Piss off! - GREG LAUGHS - .
.
that! - OK, OK.
I've got a plan.
All right? - We're going to take care of this right now.
- OK.
- Greg.
- Yes! 38-3, and we are beasting them.
- Great.
May has something to say.
- Oh.
No, Ashley has something to say.
- No, I don't.
- You do, please.
- I have literally nothing to say.
- Who has something to say? - ASHLEY LAUGHS NERVOUSLY Go ahead, May.
Tell him.
Tell me what? OK, er I was just going to say, um - People are different.
- Sure.
Different strokes.
And I think it would be better for me, for all of us, if You know, in the long run, in the short run - Both runs.
- Yes.
Er If you didn't - If you weren't - Oh, shit.
What's that? Yeah, what is that? Oh, awesome! - I think it's the music festival.
- Oh, we should go! - Yeah, we should go.
- No, no, no.
We should definitely not go.
Sean! - Yeah! - We probably shouldn't go.
- What? Why? - You want to go.
You said you want to go.
No, we have to be up at 5:30 for the sunrise on the wall, remember? I've never really got the whole, um seeing things at sunrise thing anyway.
Just the same as seeing things at noon, except you're cold and tired.
- Well, I need to see it, OK? - Sure.
DYLAN: I'm not! I just firmly believe that we should not be going to the festival! - Why? - Because What, cos it's not arts and you're clever? No, because it might be rubbish! What? What else are we meant to do? Sit in a tent and drink rank beer? We won't sleep anyway, we're jet-lagged to shit.
- Are we going to go to the festival or not? Yes! - Oh, come on, Dill.
I really want to do this.
We might as well.
We're missing Glastonbury.
Well, OK.
If you want to go to the festival, then we'll go to the festival! Yay! Yes! Greg.
~ - 500 yen, that's like - £60, brother.
- Whoa! Well, we could go back into town.
Listen to the cricket.
Oh, no, no, no, we're going in.
I'll pay for us, Sean, it's cool.
I owe you anyway.
Oh, my God, how much did you spend? Uh, yeah.
I bought some ice creams.
And, um these Ray Bans.
Sorry.
Well, em - But I need that money.
- I don't have any money.
You can afford to go to university, so you can afford to pay me back.
Oh, I can't afford university, I'm on a scholarship.
What? You're on a scholarship? - What's so weird about that? - No, nothing, I just didn't peg you as a scholar.
I can't afford to pay, so you're going to have to cover us.
It'll only be about 90 quid! I've got 30.
But that's, like, two days' wages for me, Dyl.
Come on, Sean.
Please? Yeah, I really don't think this is Chinese enough.
Especially for 500 yen -- no.
But Oh, oh! Hang on! Look! The price is less for Chinese people.
Does the Chinese price apply to bananas? - Stop calling me a fucking banana! - Whoa, whoa! Hey, mate, come on, Chill it.
Chill it out.
I'm sorry May, I didn't know that that actually upset you, I'm sorry.
It It doesn't.
I don't care, it's just, um I already get enough shit from the Chinese, OK, I don't need it from you too.
OK? It's fine, it's nothing.
Stop looking at me.
- I got this, I'll just pay for us.
- Are we going in? Yay! - Hey, I need to go to the toilet first - Ooh.
- .
.
So, I'll catch you later.
No, I know, I had a bit of that.
I think it's the old neck.
Yeah, yeah.
Good luck to you.
- Woo! We're going to hit the dance floor.
- OK! - OK.
- Hey, should we get a beer? Should we get a beer? - Yeah, sure.
"I lived in you, and wanted for more.
" Lauren Lauren, baby.
Bam.
Want to get married? Hey! I'm so glad we met you guys.
They would never let us do this on our own.
HE LAUGHS Dyl's the same.
- He's always trying to make my decisions for me.
- I know, right? - Yes! - Woo! I'm really glad we met you too, by the way.
So, where are you heading next? Uh You should totally come to May's cousin's wedding.
- Dyl would be into that, right? - Yeah.
Probably.
I mean, he's binned his itinerary now, finally, so Hey.
So, you made it? - Um - Where's Dylan? - I I don't know! - OK.
Hey.
What? Who's that? Er Lauren.
- Sorry, I need to look for Dyl.
One minute.
- Um.
OK.
Excuse me! Hi.
Can I get? - I think he's actively ignoring me.
- I know.
Where is he? Where's Dyl? Bogs.
Shitting up neck.
What's that all about? Um Wait, so he didn't tell her he was coming? That's creepy.
Or, you know, romantic? It's a fine line.
Can be.
I've very much been there, done that, got the restraining order.
What? What does that mean? No No, I'm joking! Although, actually, I did, um Yeah, I stalked my wife a little bit, just towards the end.
- Oh, my God.
Are you married?! - Yeah.
- What do you mean, "Oh, my God"? - Well, I - Why's that, "Oh, my God"? - I just didn't think you'd have a - Yeah, I do have a wife! Not for long, maybe.
It all depends on whether she proceeds with this divorce.
- Oh.
- "Oh".
- Greg, I'm sorry.
It's fine.
And anyway, being cheated on is the single best thing that has ever happened to me.
Without that, I wouldn't be back in Asia, tearing Asia another new one! - Gap year two, girls.
- Woo.
- Back in the habit.
- Now, where are these beers? - Yeah, um I'm trying, but I think this asshole knows I'm American.
HEY! HEY! ~ Three beers, OK.
- There you go! Woo! - You got through! Well done, May! Dyl! Dylan? Dylan? - Dyl! - Yeah, just give me a sec, Sean.
- Dyl, you in there? - Yeah.
- I've just seen Lauren.
- Oh, right.
- Come out.
- No, I'm on the loo! - And you're angry at me.
It's - Come out, now! - Wait Sean! - Come out, Dyl! - Waah! - Come out! - It's tipping! Nooo! Look what you've done.
There's shit all over my poetry book.
Yeah, I know.
I've heard your poems.
What do you mean, what I have done? You're still stalking that bellend.
You suggested it, not me! The wall was your idea.
And do not call Lauren a bellend.
- Well, she is a bellend.
- I love her! - Wow! - I love her as much as possible! And I tried to forget her, I have, but my heart's made up its mind.
What does that even mean? Ohh! Oh, Dyl.
I - I quit my job.
I wouldn't have come.
- So, why did you come? I came here to see you, Dyl.
This past year's been shit for me.
Do you not get that? I've been sat at home on a Saturday night watching The Voice with my stepdad, who's also my boss, constantly giving me shit about failing my plumbing exam.
I put all this on you, on getting away.
I'm just sorry it wasn't enough.
- You know what? - I'm sorry.
- No, no.
Go.
Go find Lauren.
Seriously, see what happens.
I don't even care, I'll just carry on with the rest of them.
- What the hell is that? - That is a banana milkshake.
I Is that meant to be funny? Uh, no, that is not cool.
That's basically a hate crime! - HEY! NUMB NUTS! - Oh, wait, no, Ash No, I am not letting them get away with this.
Not this time, May.
Hey! We know what you're doing, and it's disgusting! She's Chinese! Her mum is from China! You racist asshole! No! No! ~ - Oh, my God, it was her milkshake.
- I'm sorry - HE SHOUTS IN CHINESE - Do not touch me! I'm an American! Oh, shit! Sean! Sean! ~ Get out the way! Oh, sorry.
Excuse me.
Stop chasing me! - HE SHOUTS IN CHINESE - Yeah! OK! Sean! ~ Sean.
Sean.
Where have you been? I've been looking everywhere for you, Dilly.
So have I.
I mean, I came all the way to China to find you.
OK, well, I'm here and I'm listening so talk to me.
OK, Lauren, listen I've been thinking a lot about us, yeah, and how important you are to me and I just want to Can you give me a sec? I really need to take this.
What, you're putting ME on hold?! - Oh, my God! - Sean, I'm so sorry, man, I've been a total prick.
No, no, I want that too.
Just me and you.
Yeah, just you and me, exactly.
Forget it! Things with me and Norm, they're really good so it's over, Dylan.
OK, calm down, Sean.
Where are you? I don't know where I am, man.
I just ran.
What? No, no, I can't hear shit.
Er, I'm in a little town just like a Chinatown.
Sean? Do we.
.
Shit! - Where is he? - I don't know.
His phone's just died and he's in a town nearby.
Does he know the name of the place we're staying or anything? OK, I've got this.
I've seen almost every episode of The Hunt.
So we need to find the nearest town, establish a perimeter and keep patrolling it in two groups.
Yeah, great.
We should probably do mixed gender though for safety.
Yeah, makes sense.
Sean? Sean? May, I think when we get back to Beijing Greg, can you turn that off? Oh, sorry.
- It's OK.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
- What I am doing? I When we get back to Beijers, I think I'm going to go my own way to quote Fleetwood Mac.
You don't need my bodyguarding anymore and .
.
I know you want me to eff off.
- No, Greg.
- That's not in a bad way.
It's cool.
I get it, I totally get it and I'm ab fine with rejection.
I am.
I am ab fine with rejection.
I am.
No, Greg, I don't want that.
- No? - No, cos To be honest, none of this has gone how I thought it would and, despite what I expected, I like having you around.
Yeah, fun to be around.
Yeah, if you're happy to travel with an uptight douchebag? - Of course I am, you silly nana.
- What? No, no, no, no, no, that's just an English phrase.
- That's a fun phrase we have.
- OK.
- That's not meant as a slur.
- Yeah.
- Greg, just stop talking now.
- I've stopped, yeah.
- OK.
- The - Sean! - Sean.
Sean? He's got to be here somewhere.
- I'm such a bad friend.
- No, Dylan, no, it's not your fault.
It's just a perfect storm.
And I'm sorry about the Keep them.
They suit you.
Thank you.
What's that smell? Just China.
Have you shit yourself? Indirectly.
It's not actually mine if that helps.
- I'm going to go check for - Yeah, yeah.
I'm going to change my pants.
Ah, there you go, Mavis.
One sunrise.
Have you heard from Sean? No, not yet.
I'll just keep waiting.
I'm not even tired or anything.
How much longer are we going to spend looking at it? Er Yep, that'll do.
Sean! Hey! Hey! Hey, do you speak English? English? I was in a festival by the Wall.
A festival, yeah? Um, I need to get back there.
Can you give me a lift? Yeah? Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Er I think the wall's back that way, mate.
Hello.
Oh! Hey! Hey, it's you.
Um We're going back to the festival, yeah? My friends My friends I was with.
I'm so sorry if we offended you in any way.
~ Yeah, OK! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Just please don't hurt me! I have money.
Take it.
Here.
Just don't hurt me, please.
I need to report a missing person.
There was a fracas and he ran off.
Yes, he's an adult.
Sean! Just leave him here.
I'm not going to miss my cousin's wedding because a British guy I hardly know has gone missing at a music festival in a not-especially-remote area.
Lock up your bridesmaids, the British are coming.
So, Sean, do you have a girlfriend? No, well, there is a girl I kind of like in Hangzhou.
- Dude, dude, listen.
- She chucked me.
I know, right.
Really poorly.
Go with it.
But it got weird.
Yeah, it got REALLY weird.
Cos I hate Lauren and I hate who I was back then.
Back when? Do you mean yesterday? - If we're going to do this, we should keep it to ourselves.
- Yeah, great.
We can't really afford to travel without our money - so we're volunteering.
- These children were abandoned as babies.
Great.
I mean, awful.
We're in Thailand now, baby.
You've got to embrace the traveller vibe.
- Oh, that's so good.
- Hey, Dylan.
Dylan and I, we should be alone together.
I just want to get absolutely ruined.
I lost my scholarship so I'm dropping out of college.
If no-one finds us and we don't eat we will DIE! - Ashley! - You want me dead so you can eat me! Well, come on, eat me! That's all I'm good for, isn't it? Me! Guess what tonight is.
Yeah, you guessed it, it's the Full Moon Party! Isn't that where people have orgies and get shot and stuff? Yes, exactly, it's mental.
Yes! This is going to be amazing.
Look at my mom's itinerary.
Do you see any blank spaces anywhere? Yeah, but do I have to do that bit? Like, is that important? If you're serious about getting over your ex, you need to do the right thing, you need to shock.
Now that we're a gang again, you're going to have to get through me.
That's the joy of it.
It's all about taking a chance on people, on places and seeing what happens.
Giving it a go and to hell with the risks.
Turned myself into a kind of Fonzie figure for you guys.
- What, the Muppets? - No, that's Fozzie.
This is Fonzie.
It's great stuff.
You know, he's a student.
So we thought we'd have a bit of a catch up.
And he just got dumped, so it's a bit Oh, I'm sorry, but that's not what I meant.
I meant, why China? - That was me.
- That was Dildo's idea.
- Erm, Dylan.
- Yeah.
I don't really mind where we go, as long as we get smashed, soak up the sun, meet some girls, you know.
Oh, no, you're not going to get to do that.
- Of course we can.
- What do you mean we won't do that? Cos this is what I do.
It's my job.
I'm a travel writer.
So trust me when I say that China is not right for you.
This is not ideal, is it? Hearing about this right now, on the plane.
- Not really.
No.
- Sorry about that.
But you have made a mistake.
Unless you're going for a reason that I'm not aware of.
No.
No, course not.
- We just wanted to do something a bit different.
- Different.
- Out there.
- Yeah.
- Didn't want to fall into the same old tourist traps - as everyone else.
- Yeah, but you will though.
You will.
You'll find them.
- What's them? Who's them? - Everyone else.
The kids exactly like you.
It's like two dung beetles on top of a pile of lion poop, and one says to the other, "Hey, fancy meeting you here!" - You know? - No.
- No.
You're all into the same shit.
Anyway fellas, I hope that your friendship still functions in a different context.
In my experience, it may not.
So just enjoy Thailand.
But we're not going to Thailand.
But you will.
- Don't listen to her.
- No.
- This is going to be amazing.
Promise! China! Hey, I'm in love My fingers keep on clicking to the beating of my heart Hey it's cause of you The world is in a crazy hazy hue My heart is beating like a jungle drum Bad-a-dunk-da-dunk-da-dunk My heart is beating like a jungle drum Rack-a-dug-a-dunk-dunk a-rack-a-dunk-dunk.
Are like are there any beaches in Beijing? Or is it more - This? - It's this, yeah, but it's amazing, right? Yeah! Yeah, definitely.
The sheer rate of progress.
15 years ago these guys were just riding bikes.
Yeah.
I mean, so were we.
Shall we find a bar or something then, get this holiday going? Sean, it's 7am.
- Well, it's midnight in London.
- It's not a holiday, by the way.
We're travelling.
It's all about embracing new experiences.
Yeah, OK.
Let's travel then.
- Eh, look out for a toilet.
- Let's go, Beijing! I think I'm going to find another one.
Something a bit more Western.
Yeah.
I think I might change out of these flip-flops.
Dyl? Are you all right in there? - Have you got the shits already, or what? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just give me a sec, OK? There's another guy waiting to use the toilet though.
Ah, no, you're all right, bud.
Don't you worry.
Been there, done that, blocked the U-bend.
There are just so many squat toilets in China that when you actually do find a proper sit-down job, it's good to enjoy yourself.
Let rip.
Really open her up.
Fill your boots, mate.
I've just come back from Guilin.
- Oh! - Oh, yeah.
- Right, right.
Nice.
- Yes.
Have you been? - Nope.
- What is it? - What's Guilin? - Yeah.
- Wow! Magical.
It's the one with the big green hills.
The hillocks.
We went rafting, me and I'm travelling with two girls.
- Oh, nice.
- Yeah, not bad.
We went rafting.
It's just cheaper as a threesome.
We're not a threesome.
I wish we were.
But, no, It's just very expensive to hire a raft on your own.
Or any vessel.
You learn that the hard way, believe you me.
Oh, I must tell you, I got given a massive water proof.
Right, do you know what? I'll meet you outside, yeah? - All right, mate.
- All right.
- All right.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Old school.
Hey! - Hi! - Hi, hi.
- Do you speak English? - Yeah, yeah, I can.
I'm I'm I can I'm English.
OK, amazing.
Erm, so, could you This stuff belongs to a friend of ours.
He's just inside using the bathroom.
And we just don't want to leave it unattended.
- Oh, yeah.
I just met him.
- Could you just watch it till he gets back? - Yeah, yeah, sure.
Sure, sure, sure.
- Amazing.
OK.
Thanks.
Sorry, but why can't you do it? - Why can't I do it? - We're going to miss our train.
- Right, we're going to miss our train.
- So isn't he going with you? He, erm Yeah, May, this isn't working.
OK, look.
We met this guy at Guilin.
Shared a raft? I know.
Right.
And he tagged along to Beijing.
- And now he wants to come and camp by the Great Wall with us.
- Oh, cool.
- I know, right? It's with the Beijing Panda Hostel, if you want to do it, it's ready cool.
No, Ash, stop inviting people.
- OK.
- Anyways, we're just going to leave these here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't dump him on me.
He's not my problem.
OK.
Please, there's a lot riding on this for me, you know? It's like a big homecoming trip, so We've had him for four days.
This isn't a take-it-in-turns thing.
It's not my turn with him.
If you guys don't want him around, just tell him.
Thank you, that's exactly what I said.
But she's She's scared.
Sean, come on.
We've got to get a wiggle on, man.
Come on.
OK.
Well, maybe we'll see you guys around.
- Bye! - Bye.
- See you.
Why's it so heavy? Have you got your plumbing tools in here or what? - That's Mum's old one.
- Yeah, is your mum in here? You all right in there, Janine?! They were cute.
Why do I have to tell him? You're the one who has a problem with the guy.
You invited him on our raft.
You caused this shit show.
- He would have come anyway.
- He wouldn't.
- People like him need to be invited in.
- Oh, like vampires? Yes.
Yes, like vampires.
He's like a very chatty British vampire.
And I am paying for all of this.
- So - May, your mom's paying, not you.
Please, it's not like he's adding anything.
Just found a load of money.
Whoopsie! - Hundred.
Hundred.
Hundred.
- Way to go, Greg! - Smell the money, May.
- I'm not smelling the money, Ashley.
- Come on.
Cos those girls were saying there's this place by the Wall where we can go camping.
Which could be kind of sick, and cultural, for you.
- Maybe we could see a panda.
- I've heard pandas are a bit shit.
- What? How can a panda be shit? - How can it not be, in a way? I've got it all mapped out, OK? Over the next ten weeks, we're going to see every Asian culturally good thing.
Beaches, walls, ninjas, the lot.
We don't have to follow the first couple of girls we meet.
OK? All right.
I'm just saying.
You're single now, it's the best way of getting over Hitler, isn't it? Sean.
Can you not call Lauren Hitler? Yeah? What? Why not? Because it's Hilter.
It's a Scottish name, Hilter.
She just gets upset when people confuse her with the Fuhrer.
Well, I think it suits her.
They're both arseholes.
They both got the What?! She dumped you.
You should be calling her Hitler as well.
Yeah, but just because we broke up doesn't mean I want to besmirch her.
Right, if that means slag her off, then yeah, that's exactly what you should be doing.
Just let me handle it, OK? I know what I'm doing.
What is it? This is your money now.
OK? Finders keepers.
I just think, guilt-wise, I'd be happier if we split it.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Me, too.
- Yeah, you want some? Yeah, that's great.
That's a great idea.
- Yeah, you take that.
- OK, thank you.
- Boom.
OK, I cannot keep relying on your mom's very anal budget, May.
I need some cash for me.
I'm really going to need some sunglasses.
Yeah, gotcha.
You know, we might see them again anyway.
We don't know.
Come back down from the Great Wall, bump into them, - who knows? - Greg, about that.
It'll be really uncomfortable and boring up there, so if you don't want to come camping Two girls, on their own, in a tent in the middle of nowhere.
- Yes, please.
- What? Is what your attacker will be thinking.
Of course I'm coming, May.
Look after you both.
Hey, guys? I'll have a piece of this.
Oh, my God, this is a nightmare.
- He will not take a hint.
- What's happening? Yes, please! With the rucksack on.
- How much was it? - 50 to 200, something like that.
Well, which one, 200 or 50? It doesn't matter, it's gone.
It's not going to be there.
I'm going to have 45-grand's worth of student debt.
What's another few hundred quid? Yeah, another reason why I'm grateful I'm not a student.
Yeah.
Here.
Put this on.
For the pollution.
No, I've got that covered, really.
So how's it all going then, at uni and stuff? - Yeah, yeah, it's good.
- Yeah? - Walk and talk? Well, like Tony won't let me work in gas, so I only get to work in like taps and showers.
It's pretty wet work.
I'm wet a lot.
Hang on a sec, Sean.
This is - We're going to stop here.
- OK.
- Cool.
- What? Aren't we carrying on then? - No, we're here.
We're here.
Cool.
So, what is it? Well, it's a traditional park.
Your bamboo, your pagoda.
Wow, we've even got some traditional Chinese buskers.
Oh, sick.
What, is it like an attraction? Oh, yeah.
Big-time.
A big attraction.
It's definitely up there.
So should we find a hotel now then? - Yeah, in a bit.
- Catch up, have a beer.
We need to take it in first, Sean.
- I have taken it in.
- You can't have taken it in.
- You just got here.
- Seriously, I need to put my bags down.
- Well, just a sec, Sean.
- Why? Just because - Dylan! - Lauren? Wow! Lauren! What are the - What are the chances? - Oh, my God, Dylan, you can't be here.
No! We're just on holiday.
You know, travelling around Asia.
Erm We were coming here anyway.
- Really? - So How mad is this? - What, she's here? - Well, evidently I'm here.
No, I mean, is that why we're here? No, we came to see the park.
Asia.
I'm talking about Asia.
No, this? We, erm This is coincidence.
- Or fate.
- No, stalking.
Stalking? Wow! We're stalking? No, we're not stalking.
Is that why you made me wear this facemask? - No, that's for the air.
- Oh, my God, is this even an attraction? - No, it's a park.
- Well, it's an attractive park.
Look, I cannot believe you're accosting me like this, Dylan, in public.
It's really not on.
You didn't reply to any of my e-mails, so how did I know? And you just ended it.
Why did you do that? - Oh, yeah, Dylan, I can't do this.
- Babe, please.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Just listen to me.
You are my home.
I lived in you and wanted for naught.
What are you doing now? - It's a poem, Sean.
- It doesn't even rhyme.
Just wait by the bags, yeah? What, like a caddie? Like your stalking caddie? No, Sean.
That's golf.
OK? And now I'm homeless, caught.
And I've I've tried I've tried Sorry, who's this guy? Oh, Norm, Nailer.
Hey, everyone calls me Social Norm.
On acount of me being very social.
Running in the AM, funning in the PM.
Yeah, Norm, this is Dylan.
He was We go to university together.
And this is Dylan's home friend.
- It's Sean.
- Right.
Nice.
Well, welcome.
Well, it was really great to see you guys briefly, - but I've really got to go, Dylan.
- Babe, please.
I've only got a very narrow time window.
Just wait, there's just one more thing I need to say to you Have a good trip, hombres.
Don't do any ONE I wouldn't do! All right! Dyl? I don't get it.
We were each other's everything.
We'd run together, we'd breathe together.
And we'd make simple, but delicious Lebanese food together.
And then she just Out of nowhere, she ends it.
And won't tell me why.
You think you know someone and then they just change, - you know what I mean? - I do, actually, yeah.
I mean, what did you think I was? Just some kind of idiot? That I'm going to think the whole thing was just some kind of miraculous miracle or surprise? No, I thought that I could talk to her, and the three of us could go travelling.
- Three of us? We're not three, Dyl.
- No, of course not yet! I don't want to go travelling with a couple.
I live at home.
I spend all my time with a couple.
Yeah, but it wouldn't be like that.
It's me and Lauren, it's not your mum and Tony.
Yeah, I know it's not.
They're not always banging on about jogging or being vegans.
Vegetarians.
From Nish in Glastonbury.
We could have been anywhere, Dyl.
But we're in China, with all this smell of people shitting on the floor.
- I'm sorry.
- Stalking Hitler and her new boyfriend.
- I don't think they're a couple.
- He had his arm around her.
Yeah, but he's Social Norm.
He's famously social.
He slapped her on the bum! - Yeah, but that could be a running thing, I'm sure.
- My God! Dyl, are you serious?! Give it up! You've gone mad! OK? It's over.
Yeah, it's over.
I'm sorry.
You know what? Whatever.
It don't even matter.
Let's just We can turn this trip around.
Forget about Lauren.
It's not about her any more, it's about me and you.
Old-school fun times.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
And thank you so much.
I'm up for getting lashed, if you want.
No, it's cool.
I've got a better idea.
Drink up.
Quick.
Oh, hi.
Hi, sorry, do you know which side is better for the wall? Cos we want the most sun, but the least tourists, so OK, er ~ - American, you? - No, Chinese.
- Shen - INDISTINC What was that? Shen? Hey, I think that's what the raff guy called you.
"Shen jao" something.
- I'm pretty sure that - All right? - Oh, hey! - Hey! - You made it.
- Yeah.
So, you managed to get rid of him, then? - What.
- Ooh! - Hey.
I'm Sean.
- Greg Lavelle.
- We met earlier.
- In the boys' bogs! - In the boys' bogs.
- Yeah, we did.
How are you? - I'm good, how are you? - Yeah, yeah.
I'm good, thank you.
You must be captain constipated.
- He was waiting for you for ages.
- Hi, yeah.
Dylan Nutkin.
- Hey OK, you're doing that.
- Lovely to meet you.
Hi.
- Here he comes.
- Hi.
The old smoothie.
Greg Lavelle.
This is May.
And this is Ashley.
- Ashley.
- And together we are the three Rafter-teers.
- That's not our name, Greg.
We're not a group.
- Oh, brother? I think you might be in luck here.
- No.
- Did you leave some money in the boys' bogs? - Yes! - What? - Oh - Amazing.
- Oh, wow.
Amazing.
- Yeah, that was my Thomas Cook, yeah.
Thank you so much.
- Oh, yeah.
Any time.
There you go.
OK.
We just spent, like a little bit.
Erm, I hope that's OK.
Sure.
- That's fine.
That's fine.
- Yeah.
So then the Helen broke her arm cycling in to an ambulance, which is pretty hilarious, so she couldn't come, and Helen knew that I didn't have any plans over the summer, so she was like, "Why don't you go to China instead? "Because it's free and you and May will get along great.
" - So, yeah, we do.
We do, right? - Mm.
- It's great.
So you guys didn't know each other from before this.
No, amazing, just pure fortune.
No, sorry, I was just talking to Ashley and May.
Well, I mean, I knew of her.
But my mum wouldn't let me go on my own.
Thank God.
We've seen some crazy-ass shit here.
Yeah, I mean, it's not crazy for me.
- But you've never been here before either.
- No, I know, it's just You know, it's my heritage, so I get it.
What about you guys? - Oh, we're sort of a lads holiday.
- What? - DYLAN: No, Sean.
- No, travelling.
I mean travelling.
Just travelling.
Around Asia.
MAY: OK, so why China? Er, well, we just thought it would be interesting.
You know, we both like kung fu and rice.
Right, dildo? Yeah, no, and I'm doing a module in the Chinese philosophy.
So Well, I study philosophy.
MAY: "Dildo".
Are you called dildo? Yeah! No, no.
Of course not.
That's just an old nickname.
It's Dylan.
- You bell-end! - BEEPING AND ENGINE SCREECHES - Jeez.
- Sorry, can you tell the driver to just drive a bit more carefully, please? Sure.
Sure.
~ Is it a case of charades? Xiangjiao ren.
OK, I'm finding out what that means.
You know, this happens all the time.
I think she's actually been learning Japanese.
"Xiangjiao ren, banana person.
"Derogatory Chinese term for simulated Asian-Americans, "yellow on the outside, white on the inside.
" It's OK, it's meant as a joke.
So And that is you all over.
She's a total banana.
He's got your number.
Winding you up.
Oh, yes.
Sean, just a quick one Erm, maybe don't call me "dildo" in front of the others.
Just, dildos are a bit offensive to women.
Dildos are offensive to women? No.
Maybe.
It's an interesting moral conundrum.
- Cos you have been a bit of a dildo.
- I know, I'm sorry.
Just makes us look bad.
Obama! - And there's buying this tourist tat.
- What? I'm sorry I'm honestly not trying to be a dick.
- Try a bit harder.
- I know, I am.
I will.
I'm on it.
This is going to be so ideal.
That's a guarantee.
Right.
Oi, oi, oi, oi.
Do you know what you're getting? Not specifically, but my mum says Chinese snacks are the best.
Oh, because you cannot go wrong with the old Pringles.
Hey, are we allowed to buy wine now? Cos the camping's meant to be more relaxed, right? Well, my mum isn't meant to be paying for alcohol and, you know, we'd have to buy a corkscrew as well.
DYLAN: Sorry, guys! Did I just buy 30 beers? - Yes, brother! - What, seriously? 30? Yeah.
Old school fun times, mate.
That's I'm talking about, dildo.
I'm beginning to fall in love with you.
Yes, please.
Getting lashed on the Great Wall.
As God intended.
We do all right.
Right Hey.
Which one do you think you fancy? Cos I reckon May might like you.
Wall.
ees! "Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall!" That's what I'm talking about.
- What a wall! China! - MAY: Greg! - Can you ssh, please? - Sure, sorry.
- Can I just take this in - Of course.
- .
.
in silence! - Yes.
Been to the Berlin wall.
Been to the Wailing Wall.
But then you get to this wall and you just think, - "Well, they were shit walls.
" - Greg! Ssh! Sure.
Shh China has absolutely nailed it.
Mum? Yeah.
I'm safe.
GREG LAUGHS There's a slide on the wall, apparently.
Where? Here? - No, somewhere totally different.
- Because! It doesn't matter.
Yeah.
Great.
- Well, I'm trying to appreciate - Wall-to-wall wall, isn't it? - This is it, this is the camp site.
- OK, I got to go, mum.
Goodbye.
OK, yeah, this is really amazing.
Um Why are there other people camping over here? That's the whole point of coming to wild wall, to watch the sunrise without having tourists in our fricking eye-line! What do we do? We could erect some kind of wall.
I'll, um, I'll ask them to move.
- Thank you, Dylan.
Great.
- Big guy.
Can you put your bloody comic book down - and help me inflate this thing, please? - Graphic novel.
And I can't help you inflate it because there's only one Er, hello? Hi.
Sorry, erm I just wondered, have you guys seen a music festival anywhere? It's meant to be on the wall, but it's not back that way - Where on the wall? - You see, I don't know, but it's just on the wall.
- So maybe you walked past it, or? - Walked past it? - Do you know how long this thing is? - I know it's long It's 5,000 miles.
Even The Proclaimers couldn't walk this.
- So, you haven't walked past it, then? - No.
- Great, OK.
Well, it's actually pretty good, cos my ex-girlfriend's going to be there and I really don't want to see her, but I do really want to see her.
It's just - Yeah, we don't give a shit.
- OK, Kendra.
Don't be rude.
I'm being rude?! He's the one sticking his head into our tent without even knocking.
I'm sorry, but it's a tent, it's not very knock-able.
Hey.
- Could you get a photo of us, please? - Yeah, sure.
Smile.
Cheese.
That's great.
You're so sweaty.
We're doing our honeymoon photomontage thing.
Wait, you two are married? DYLAN LAUGHS - I thought you were brother and sister.
- What? Well, no, you just look similar and your overall vibe is - What vibe? - What vibe? - Is there vibe? No, no, no, there's no vibe.
Could you piss off now, please? Yeah.
No, I want to.
Oh, actually, can you guys just scooch down a bit? - It's just we're to get - Yeah, you should really go now.
- Yeah, I OK.
- Jesus Christ.
- Right, yeah.
Leave the flap open, why don't you? Some people have no manners.
Well, this one's some kind of fungus.
And that is duck.
- Neck.
- Neck.
Well, that's what you get when you let a banana buy your food for you.
Let's get this mega-lash underway, shall we? - Let's, er, you know, take it slow, Greg.
- Uh? - It's 7pm.
- 7pm? - Yeah.
- Oh, my godfathers.
- What? The bloody cricket's started.
- Thank you, Mavis.
- What? Ooh - COMMENTATOR: - Fuller delivery this time, pitched just outside How long's that going to be on for? - About five days.
- Oh.
- Oh, yes.
Come on, England! Give me another yucky ducky.
- Oh, yes, Greg.
- Stuart Broad So, what do you think of the beer? Mm.
Yeah, it's good.
It's just very warm.
Yeah, sorry, they didn't have any cold ones Ooh, I bought you something.
Ah - Just to say sorry, you know, for the whole Lauren thing.
- Obama.
- Thanks, mate.
- Well, yeah, it's just, it's over between us now and It's just me and you, so - Yes, Dill.
- MESSAGE ALER Just like old times.
Thanks, Dill.
- There're probably trying to decide who they fancy.
- DYLAN LAUGHS Love it, love it - Where are we supposed to hide? - I don't know.
You're the one who suggested it.
You said we'd lose them up here.
No, I know! It's just - These other guys are here now, so - So? But they're fun! And Come on, Greg was - He's not that bad.
- Howzee! - Yes! - COMMENTATOR: - Bowled! Clattering into off stump.
I don't even know what cricket is, and I hate it.
Please, I've been planning this trip for years, you know? And that plan never included Bye-bye.
Off you pop, mate! - Piss off! - GREG LAUGHS - .
.
that! - OK, OK.
I've got a plan.
All right? - We're going to take care of this right now.
- OK.
- Greg.
- Yes! 38-3, and we are beasting them.
- Great.
May has something to say.
- Oh.
No, Ashley has something to say.
- No, I don't.
- You do, please.
- I have literally nothing to say.
- Who has something to say? - ASHLEY LAUGHS NERVOUSLY Go ahead, May.
Tell him.
Tell me what? OK, er I was just going to say, um - People are different.
- Sure.
Different strokes.
And I think it would be better for me, for all of us, if You know, in the long run, in the short run - Both runs.
- Yes.
Er If you didn't - If you weren't - Oh, shit.
What's that? Yeah, what is that? Oh, awesome! - I think it's the music festival.
- Oh, we should go! - Yeah, we should go.
- No, no, no.
We should definitely not go.
Sean! - Yeah! - We probably shouldn't go.
- What? Why? - You want to go.
You said you want to go.
No, we have to be up at 5:30 for the sunrise on the wall, remember? I've never really got the whole, um seeing things at sunrise thing anyway.
Just the same as seeing things at noon, except you're cold and tired.
- Well, I need to see it, OK? - Sure.
DYLAN: I'm not! I just firmly believe that we should not be going to the festival! - Why? - Because What, cos it's not arts and you're clever? No, because it might be rubbish! What? What else are we meant to do? Sit in a tent and drink rank beer? We won't sleep anyway, we're jet-lagged to shit.
- Are we going to go to the festival or not? Yes! - Oh, come on, Dill.
I really want to do this.
We might as well.
We're missing Glastonbury.
Well, OK.
If you want to go to the festival, then we'll go to the festival! Yay! Yes! Greg.
~ - 500 yen, that's like - £60, brother.
- Whoa! Well, we could go back into town.
Listen to the cricket.
Oh, no, no, no, we're going in.
I'll pay for us, Sean, it's cool.
I owe you anyway.
Oh, my God, how much did you spend? Uh, yeah.
I bought some ice creams.
And, um these Ray Bans.
Sorry.
Well, em - But I need that money.
- I don't have any money.
You can afford to go to university, so you can afford to pay me back.
Oh, I can't afford university, I'm on a scholarship.
What? You're on a scholarship? - What's so weird about that? - No, nothing, I just didn't peg you as a scholar.
I can't afford to pay, so you're going to have to cover us.
It'll only be about 90 quid! I've got 30.
But that's, like, two days' wages for me, Dyl.
Come on, Sean.
Please? Yeah, I really don't think this is Chinese enough.
Especially for 500 yen -- no.
But Oh, oh! Hang on! Look! The price is less for Chinese people.
Does the Chinese price apply to bananas? - Stop calling me a fucking banana! - Whoa, whoa! Hey, mate, come on, Chill it.
Chill it out.
I'm sorry May, I didn't know that that actually upset you, I'm sorry.
It It doesn't.
I don't care, it's just, um I already get enough shit from the Chinese, OK, I don't need it from you too.
OK? It's fine, it's nothing.
Stop looking at me.
- I got this, I'll just pay for us.
- Are we going in? Yay! - Hey, I need to go to the toilet first - Ooh.
- .
.
So, I'll catch you later.
No, I know, I had a bit of that.
I think it's the old neck.
Yeah, yeah.
Good luck to you.
- Woo! We're going to hit the dance floor.
- OK! - OK.
- Hey, should we get a beer? Should we get a beer? - Yeah, sure.
"I lived in you, and wanted for more.
" Lauren Lauren, baby.
Bam.
Want to get married? Hey! I'm so glad we met you guys.
They would never let us do this on our own.
HE LAUGHS Dyl's the same.
- He's always trying to make my decisions for me.
- I know, right? - Yes! - Woo! I'm really glad we met you too, by the way.
So, where are you heading next? Uh You should totally come to May's cousin's wedding.
- Dyl would be into that, right? - Yeah.
Probably.
I mean, he's binned his itinerary now, finally, so Hey.
So, you made it? - Um - Where's Dylan? - I I don't know! - OK.
Hey.
What? Who's that? Er Lauren.
- Sorry, I need to look for Dyl.
One minute.
- Um.
OK.
Excuse me! Hi.
Can I get? - I think he's actively ignoring me.
- I know.
Where is he? Where's Dyl? Bogs.
Shitting up neck.
What's that all about? Um Wait, so he didn't tell her he was coming? That's creepy.
Or, you know, romantic? It's a fine line.
Can be.
I've very much been there, done that, got the restraining order.
What? What does that mean? No No, I'm joking! Although, actually, I did, um Yeah, I stalked my wife a little bit, just towards the end.
- Oh, my God.
Are you married?! - Yeah.
- What do you mean, "Oh, my God"? - Well, I - Why's that, "Oh, my God"? - I just didn't think you'd have a - Yeah, I do have a wife! Not for long, maybe.
It all depends on whether she proceeds with this divorce.
- Oh.
- "Oh".
- Greg, I'm sorry.
It's fine.
And anyway, being cheated on is the single best thing that has ever happened to me.
Without that, I wouldn't be back in Asia, tearing Asia another new one! - Gap year two, girls.
- Woo.
- Back in the habit.
- Now, where are these beers? - Yeah, um I'm trying, but I think this asshole knows I'm American.
HEY! HEY! ~ Three beers, OK.
- There you go! Woo! - You got through! Well done, May! Dyl! Dylan? Dylan? - Dyl! - Yeah, just give me a sec, Sean.
- Dyl, you in there? - Yeah.
- I've just seen Lauren.
- Oh, right.
- Come out.
- No, I'm on the loo! - And you're angry at me.
It's - Come out, now! - Wait Sean! - Come out, Dyl! - Waah! - Come out! - It's tipping! Nooo! Look what you've done.
There's shit all over my poetry book.
Yeah, I know.
I've heard your poems.
What do you mean, what I have done? You're still stalking that bellend.
You suggested it, not me! The wall was your idea.
And do not call Lauren a bellend.
- Well, she is a bellend.
- I love her! - Wow! - I love her as much as possible! And I tried to forget her, I have, but my heart's made up its mind.
What does that even mean? Ohh! Oh, Dyl.
I - I quit my job.
I wouldn't have come.
- So, why did you come? I came here to see you, Dyl.
This past year's been shit for me.
Do you not get that? I've been sat at home on a Saturday night watching The Voice with my stepdad, who's also my boss, constantly giving me shit about failing my plumbing exam.
I put all this on you, on getting away.
I'm just sorry it wasn't enough.
- You know what? - I'm sorry.
- No, no.
Go.
Go find Lauren.
Seriously, see what happens.
I don't even care, I'll just carry on with the rest of them.
- What the hell is that? - That is a banana milkshake.
I Is that meant to be funny? Uh, no, that is not cool.
That's basically a hate crime! - HEY! NUMB NUTS! - Oh, wait, no, Ash No, I am not letting them get away with this.
Not this time, May.
Hey! We know what you're doing, and it's disgusting! She's Chinese! Her mum is from China! You racist asshole! No! No! ~ - Oh, my God, it was her milkshake.
- I'm sorry - HE SHOUTS IN CHINESE - Do not touch me! I'm an American! Oh, shit! Sean! Sean! ~ Get out the way! Oh, sorry.
Excuse me.
Stop chasing me! - HE SHOUTS IN CHINESE - Yeah! OK! Sean! ~ Sean.
Sean.
Where have you been? I've been looking everywhere for you, Dilly.
So have I.
I mean, I came all the way to China to find you.
OK, well, I'm here and I'm listening so talk to me.
OK, Lauren, listen I've been thinking a lot about us, yeah, and how important you are to me and I just want to Can you give me a sec? I really need to take this.
What, you're putting ME on hold?! - Oh, my God! - Sean, I'm so sorry, man, I've been a total prick.
No, no, I want that too.
Just me and you.
Yeah, just you and me, exactly.
Forget it! Things with me and Norm, they're really good so it's over, Dylan.
OK, calm down, Sean.
Where are you? I don't know where I am, man.
I just ran.
What? No, no, I can't hear shit.
Er, I'm in a little town just like a Chinatown.
Sean? Do we.
.
Shit! - Where is he? - I don't know.
His phone's just died and he's in a town nearby.
Does he know the name of the place we're staying or anything? OK, I've got this.
I've seen almost every episode of The Hunt.
So we need to find the nearest town, establish a perimeter and keep patrolling it in two groups.
Yeah, great.
We should probably do mixed gender though for safety.
Yeah, makes sense.
Sean? Sean? May, I think when we get back to Beijing Greg, can you turn that off? Oh, sorry.
- It's OK.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
- What I am doing? I When we get back to Beijers, I think I'm going to go my own way to quote Fleetwood Mac.
You don't need my bodyguarding anymore and .
.
I know you want me to eff off.
- No, Greg.
- That's not in a bad way.
It's cool.
I get it, I totally get it and I'm ab fine with rejection.
I am.
I am ab fine with rejection.
I am.
No, Greg, I don't want that.
- No? - No, cos To be honest, none of this has gone how I thought it would and, despite what I expected, I like having you around.
Yeah, fun to be around.
Yeah, if you're happy to travel with an uptight douchebag? - Of course I am, you silly nana.
- What? No, no, no, no, no, that's just an English phrase.
- That's a fun phrase we have.
- OK.
- That's not meant as a slur.
- Yeah.
- Greg, just stop talking now.
- I've stopped, yeah.
- OK.
- The - Sean! - Sean.
Sean? He's got to be here somewhere.
- I'm such a bad friend.
- No, Dylan, no, it's not your fault.
It's just a perfect storm.
And I'm sorry about the Keep them.
They suit you.
Thank you.
What's that smell? Just China.
Have you shit yourself? Indirectly.
It's not actually mine if that helps.
- I'm going to go check for - Yeah, yeah.
I'm going to change my pants.
Ah, there you go, Mavis.
One sunrise.
Have you heard from Sean? No, not yet.
I'll just keep waiting.
I'm not even tired or anything.
How much longer are we going to spend looking at it? Er Yep, that'll do.
Sean! Hey! Hey! Hey, do you speak English? English? I was in a festival by the Wall.
A festival, yeah? Um, I need to get back there.
Can you give me a lift? Yeah? Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Er I think the wall's back that way, mate.
Hello.
Oh! Hey! Hey, it's you.
Um We're going back to the festival, yeah? My friends My friends I was with.
I'm so sorry if we offended you in any way.
~ Yeah, OK! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Just please don't hurt me! I have money.
Take it.
Here.
Just don't hurt me, please.
I need to report a missing person.
There was a fracas and he ran off.
Yes, he's an adult.
Sean! Just leave him here.
I'm not going to miss my cousin's wedding because a British guy I hardly know has gone missing at a music festival in a not-especially-remote area.
Lock up your bridesmaids, the British are coming.
So, Sean, do you have a girlfriend? No, well, there is a girl I kind of like in Hangzhou.
- Dude, dude, listen.
- She chucked me.
I know, right.
Really poorly.
Go with it.
But it got weird.
Yeah, it got REALLY weird.
Cos I hate Lauren and I hate who I was back then.
Back when? Do you mean yesterday? - If we're going to do this, we should keep it to ourselves.
- Yeah, great.
We can't really afford to travel without our money - so we're volunteering.
- These children were abandoned as babies.
Great.
I mean, awful.
We're in Thailand now, baby.
You've got to embrace the traveller vibe.
- Oh, that's so good.
- Hey, Dylan.
Dylan and I, we should be alone together.
I just want to get absolutely ruined.
I lost my scholarship so I'm dropping out of college.
If no-one finds us and we don't eat we will DIE! - Ashley! - You want me dead so you can eat me! Well, come on, eat me! That's all I'm good for, isn't it? Me! Guess what tonight is.
Yeah, you guessed it, it's the Full Moon Party! Isn't that where people have orgies and get shot and stuff? Yes, exactly, it's mental.
Yes! This is going to be amazing.
Look at my mom's itinerary.
Do you see any blank spaces anywhere? Yeah, but do I have to do that bit? Like, is that important? If you're serious about getting over your ex, you need to do the right thing, you need to shock.
Now that we're a gang again, you're going to have to get through me.
That's the joy of it.
It's all about taking a chance on people, on places and seeing what happens.
Giving it a go and to hell with the risks.
Turned myself into a kind of Fonzie figure for you guys.
- What, the Muppets? - No, that's Fozzie.
This is Fonzie.
It's great stuff.