Garth Marenghi's Darkplace (2004) s01e01 Episode Script
Once Upon A Beginning
Something was pouring from his mouth.
He examined his sleeve.
Blood? Blood.
Crimson, copper-smelling blood.
His blood.
Blood blood.
Blood and bits of sick.
" Greetings, traveller.
I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer.
Most of you will know me from my extensive canon of chillers including Afterbirth in which a mutated placenta attacks Bristol.
Back in the 1980s, I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi's Darkplace.
A TV programme so radical, so risky, so dangerous, so goddamned crazy, that the powers that be became too scared to show it, and gipped me much in the way women have done ever since they sniffed out my money.
Only now, in the worst artistic drought in broadcast history, does the channel come crawling back, cap in hand, asking if your humble fabulist could retrieve Darkplace from the boxes in his basement and let it loose on its unsuspecting public.
That's you.
Naturellement, I relented, and spent three hours of my life knocking together interviews with key players in this historic programme, namely myself and my publisher Dean Learner.
So finally, here is Darkplace, for the first time on British TV it had a brief run in Peru sit back, dim the lights or switch them off if you don't have dimmers, put conventional logic to one side, and enjoy.
Well, I say enjoy I'm Garth Marenghi author, dream weaver, visionary, plus actor.
You are about to enter the world of my imagination.
You are entering my Darkplace.
Darkplace, Darkplace Darkplace, Darkplace, Darkplace Darkplace! Just leave! Funny, that cat just told me to leave.
Hi.
I've come to apply for the doctor's job.
I've just graduated from Harvard College, Yale.
I aced every semester and got an A.
That sounds excellent.
Our last doctor recently died in horrific circumstances.
Can you start immediately? Do I have time to go to the toilet? No.
I've paged Dr Sanchez, he'll be here any minute.
I'm Dr Sanchez.
You're a woman! Yes.
I hope that's not a problem.
Not at all.
There's plenty of skirt on the ward.
This is the 20th after all.
Welcome to Darkplace, Liz.
My hand! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Whoa! Are you all right? Not really.
I'm one of the few people who've written more books than they've read.
I took the novel as far as it could go.
Inevitably, my imagination made the move to TV.
I got a script, read it, scared me senseless, comme d'habitude, and I said to Garth, looked straight into his face, never been afraid at holding a man's gaze, it's natural.
I said, This is going to be the most significant televisual event since Quantum Leap, and I do not say that lightly.
" My name is Dr Rick Dagless, MD.
I got the call too early to grab a shower, so I had to make do with a quick rinse round key areas.
Some little missy took a nosedive in reception, some muggins had to haul ass down there and kiss it better, but first, I had to visit a very special friend.
Is my daddy gonna be all right? Your daddy's very sick, champ.
Is he going to die? We're doing all we can, but I'm not Jesus Christ.
I've come to accept that now.
I've gotta get this.
Son of a bitch! That's my boss.
I've gotta go.
They work you too hard here.
They should pay you a hero's wage.
You're a good kid.
And you're a great doctor.
Never take drugs! Dean's not an actor.
I warned Garth.
I said, I'm not an actor.
" He said I'll always remember this that he didn't want an act, he wanted the truth.
So here's Dean Learner, playing Thornton Reed, not putting on an act, but putting on the truth.
We've got a situation.
A lass has just cracked her nut and if she croaks, my ass is grass.
That was Thornton Reed, my boss.
Head of the department.
A ball buster.
But then, he had to answer to Won Ton.
She's here on Won Ton's say-so.
A star pupil and one Darkplace has high hopes for.
The Lucozade seems to have helped, but she says she's having visions.
That's Dr Lucien Sanchez, hotshot surgeon.
He's a good buddy.
Is that why you called me in some dame's banged her bonce? Wait, I have more things to say.
Go on.
Sorry for the interruption.
Don't mention it.
She's saying something supernatural's going on.
This is a place of science.
I need panic in the wards like I need a hole in the head.
Sounds bang up your alley, Dag.
Aren't you an expert in the arcane and black arts? That was a long time ago.
Got my fingers burnt.
Argh! You can count me out, Reed.
It's all voodoo nonsense.
OK.
You take the reins on this, Dag, but make your methods orthodox.
Don't worry, Reed.
This sounds routine.
I'm sure nothing untoward will happen.
I hope he heeds my words.
He will.
He's the best damn doctor on the wing.
He's a wild card.
But I'm glad he's in our deck.
Let's hope he plays a fair hand.
He'll come up trumps.
If it's not a joker in the pack.
Sometimes there is.
Jim! Get 2cc of 0.
2% saline chloroxide into bed 33, then tell Neurology to get their butts in gear with that cardiogram.
Come on, let's move it, people.
Dr Liz Asher? Dr Rick Dagless MD.
You've heard of me? Who in medicine hasn't? Don't believe everything you read.
Welcome to Darkplace.
I've seen more auspicious starts.
I wasn't planning on falling on my fanny.
I had a vision.
I'm a psychic.
And I'm Bo Derek.
No, you're not.
You're right, I'm not.
I use sarcasm as a defence.
I see the past, the present and the future.
Tough gig.
Stop being sarcastic.
If everyone who'd ever got close to you had died, you'd be sarcastic too.
Yes, that makes sense.
Come on, I'll lend you money for a coffee.
We ended up going to the staffroom.
There's a clean sofa and the coffee's complimentary.
When Sanchez heard what Liz had to say, he nearly split a log.
Slops! So, you had a vision that something terrible has either happened, is happening, or will happen to a patient in Darkplace? That's about the size of it.
Have you got a name or room number? Room 213.
That's where Renwick is.
" Who's Renwick? No-one.
Forget it.
I know you're lying to me, but I'm a big girl now.
In a year, I'll be a woman.
Who's Renwick? I don't know what you're talking about.
Yes, you do.
You're right.
I do.
Larry Renwick was admitted last week.
He went axe-happy on a trout farm killed 60 fish.
You knew him, didn't you? You really are psychic.
Yes.
Watch this.
Impressive, but don't do that on the ward.
So what happened between you and this Renwick customer? Larry was a colleague of mine when I first started at Darkplace.
God, he was brainy and brave.
Saved my life once.
I saved his twice, so I was one up.
We made a pact to push each other's minds to the limit and beyond.
Naturally, we became fascinated with the occult.
One night.
Larry suggested we open the gates of hell in the canteen.
I pleaded with him.
I said, No, don't.
" But he insisted.
That night we performed the rite and opened the gate.
Halfway through, I went to fix us both a coke float.
By the time I got back, he'd gone insane.
Aargh! Argh! Plus, he'd left the gate open and there was evil everywhere.
I need a shower.
I re-closed the gates of hell but Darkplace hasn't been the same since.
With Larry back, it feels like the gates could re-open any second and that's the last thing I need.
You're overworked as it is.
It'd be a total hassle.
I'll help.
I'm free on Tuesdays and my contract hasn't started yet.
This ain't orthodox, Liz.
Since when were you orthodox, Rick? That's true.
Please.
All right.
I'll pay you, though.
You could use the extra pocket money for clothes and make-up.
I won't let you down.
OK.
What'd help me most right now is if you whack a Brillo round this mug, or it'll stain.
Sanch, I suggest you and I pay Larry a visit, before it's too late, cos it's 8pm now.
This is it.
You and he were buddies, weren't you? Once.
Listen, when I first joined this hospital, I was solo.
You're the first real buddy I ever had.
But if you and he wish to be best buddies again, I won't stand in your way.
I've got a best buddy, but some shit sticks no matter how hard you scrape.
Hang back.
You got it.
Aargh! Larry? Are you all right? I think I'm gonna die.
No, you're gonna make it.
I'll get help.
Nurse! First things first, I gotta stop you bleeding.
Rick, I beg you, kill me.
Oh, Jesus, Larry, don't do this to me.
I beg ya.
It really hurts.
I beg ya.
Forgive me! Oh, no! No! Bye-bye, buddy.
I'll get a mop.
I have never exploded, but, I know what it would be like.
Don't ask me how, I just know.
I've always just known.
I don't know whether someone close to Garth had exploded, whether it was a colleague or a pet but you could tell that scene meant a lot to him.
There were tears on set.
Not from Garth he was strong for the crew.
But I wept.
I'm not ashamed of that.
It's I suppose, one of the many burdens he has to bear as an artist, in bringing us this gift.
Thanks for explaining the situation.
I'm gonna give him the rollicking of his life.
You used this to treat him? I didn't wanna use that thing.
Larry was my friend.
If that's how you treat friends, imagine how you treat enemies.
He's right, Dag.
What went on in there wasn't by the book.
Sanch, I thought we were buddies.
You're squabbling over this like dogs with meat.
I agree with that.
This ain't another exploding patient you can sweep under your rug! Renwick was a gateway to another dimension.
When he exploded that gateway opened.
We must shut it again as soon as possible.
What? Am I holding a crock of shit? Is this hospital called St Crock of Shit? All right, calm down.
Emotions are running high.
What do you suggest, Dag? Burn what's left of the body.
Get lost.
Cool it, or get a knuckle supper.
Dagless, you're a good doctor but you're also a maverick, who bites the hand that feeds.
This hand.
I'm not telling his family that we're burning his body to close the portals to another dimension.
I just won't do it.
This hospital's got a reputation which I intend to keep.
I've yet to see any demons on the ward.
Go make me a pill that cures madness or I'll kick your ass so hard you'll be able to build a pool in the footprint.
Understood? As crystal.
If the gates of hell do re-open, don't say I didn't warn you.
I just have and that means you'd be lying.
I went for a drive to clear my head, which is why I'm now in the car.
I kept thinking about Larry and how inconvenient his blowing up had been.
Maybe the gates to hell had closed once and for all.
Maybe they hadn't.
It was a double-edged point.
Seems like a regular burial.
D'you buy this portal to hell deal? I wouldn't say I buy it.
Let's just say I'm window shopping, and there's a half-price sale on weird.
Larry Renwick will be remembered for his wit and laughing eyes, and for being, above all, a good friend.
I'm sure we all feel he exploded too young but the Lord moves in mysterious ways.
Sometimes he'll come in at an angle.
Other times he can hover or swoop, sometimes he can come in from beneath like a worm or mole.
Lord, it's his call how he chooses to manoeuvre Aargh! Look out, he's got a gun! No my baby boy! Move aside! That's the mother, Rick.
Well, that'll stop him.
Dagless was right about burning Renwick.
I'm going over there to tell him that.
I don't know how, Rick, but you were right.
Here.
Take this, I hate using these things.
You'd best go see to the mother, I had to put a cap in her shoulder.
Tell her tell her I'm sorry.
You did what you had to do.
I know, but do tell her I'm sorry.
Sure.
And thanks, buddy.
Rick, where are you going? To get some air.
To get away.
The doors of Darkplace were open.
Not the literal doors of the building, but evil doors, dark doors, doors to the beyond.
Doors hard to shut because they were abstract and didn't have handles.
More like portals, really.
From this day on, I'd have to fight these forces of darkness and deal with the burden of day-to-day admin.
I do not believe that any form of life, be it human, animal or plant, should be hurt in the making of a TV programme, so, I feel very bad about the cat we killed.
I dropped a sofa on my cat it was a write-off so I stood on its head.
All I do is sit at the typewriter and start hitting the keys.
Getting them in the right order that's the trick.
That's the trick.
Garth Marenghi's Darkplace is a Garth Marenghi production in association with Dean Learner.
He examined his sleeve.
Blood? Blood.
Crimson, copper-smelling blood.
His blood.
Blood blood.
Blood and bits of sick.
" Greetings, traveller.
I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer.
Most of you will know me from my extensive canon of chillers including Afterbirth in which a mutated placenta attacks Bristol.
Back in the 1980s, I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi's Darkplace.
A TV programme so radical, so risky, so dangerous, so goddamned crazy, that the powers that be became too scared to show it, and gipped me much in the way women have done ever since they sniffed out my money.
Only now, in the worst artistic drought in broadcast history, does the channel come crawling back, cap in hand, asking if your humble fabulist could retrieve Darkplace from the boxes in his basement and let it loose on its unsuspecting public.
That's you.
Naturellement, I relented, and spent three hours of my life knocking together interviews with key players in this historic programme, namely myself and my publisher Dean Learner.
So finally, here is Darkplace, for the first time on British TV it had a brief run in Peru sit back, dim the lights or switch them off if you don't have dimmers, put conventional logic to one side, and enjoy.
Well, I say enjoy I'm Garth Marenghi author, dream weaver, visionary, plus actor.
You are about to enter the world of my imagination.
You are entering my Darkplace.
Darkplace, Darkplace Darkplace, Darkplace, Darkplace Darkplace! Just leave! Funny, that cat just told me to leave.
Hi.
I've come to apply for the doctor's job.
I've just graduated from Harvard College, Yale.
I aced every semester and got an A.
That sounds excellent.
Our last doctor recently died in horrific circumstances.
Can you start immediately? Do I have time to go to the toilet? No.
I've paged Dr Sanchez, he'll be here any minute.
I'm Dr Sanchez.
You're a woman! Yes.
I hope that's not a problem.
Not at all.
There's plenty of skirt on the ward.
This is the 20th after all.
Welcome to Darkplace, Liz.
My hand! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Whoa! Are you all right? Not really.
I'm one of the few people who've written more books than they've read.
I took the novel as far as it could go.
Inevitably, my imagination made the move to TV.
I got a script, read it, scared me senseless, comme d'habitude, and I said to Garth, looked straight into his face, never been afraid at holding a man's gaze, it's natural.
I said, This is going to be the most significant televisual event since Quantum Leap, and I do not say that lightly.
" My name is Dr Rick Dagless, MD.
I got the call too early to grab a shower, so I had to make do with a quick rinse round key areas.
Some little missy took a nosedive in reception, some muggins had to haul ass down there and kiss it better, but first, I had to visit a very special friend.
Is my daddy gonna be all right? Your daddy's very sick, champ.
Is he going to die? We're doing all we can, but I'm not Jesus Christ.
I've come to accept that now.
I've gotta get this.
Son of a bitch! That's my boss.
I've gotta go.
They work you too hard here.
They should pay you a hero's wage.
You're a good kid.
And you're a great doctor.
Never take drugs! Dean's not an actor.
I warned Garth.
I said, I'm not an actor.
" He said I'll always remember this that he didn't want an act, he wanted the truth.
So here's Dean Learner, playing Thornton Reed, not putting on an act, but putting on the truth.
We've got a situation.
A lass has just cracked her nut and if she croaks, my ass is grass.
That was Thornton Reed, my boss.
Head of the department.
A ball buster.
But then, he had to answer to Won Ton.
She's here on Won Ton's say-so.
A star pupil and one Darkplace has high hopes for.
The Lucozade seems to have helped, but she says she's having visions.
That's Dr Lucien Sanchez, hotshot surgeon.
He's a good buddy.
Is that why you called me in some dame's banged her bonce? Wait, I have more things to say.
Go on.
Sorry for the interruption.
Don't mention it.
She's saying something supernatural's going on.
This is a place of science.
I need panic in the wards like I need a hole in the head.
Sounds bang up your alley, Dag.
Aren't you an expert in the arcane and black arts? That was a long time ago.
Got my fingers burnt.
Argh! You can count me out, Reed.
It's all voodoo nonsense.
OK.
You take the reins on this, Dag, but make your methods orthodox.
Don't worry, Reed.
This sounds routine.
I'm sure nothing untoward will happen.
I hope he heeds my words.
He will.
He's the best damn doctor on the wing.
He's a wild card.
But I'm glad he's in our deck.
Let's hope he plays a fair hand.
He'll come up trumps.
If it's not a joker in the pack.
Sometimes there is.
Jim! Get 2cc of 0.
2% saline chloroxide into bed 33, then tell Neurology to get their butts in gear with that cardiogram.
Come on, let's move it, people.
Dr Liz Asher? Dr Rick Dagless MD.
You've heard of me? Who in medicine hasn't? Don't believe everything you read.
Welcome to Darkplace.
I've seen more auspicious starts.
I wasn't planning on falling on my fanny.
I had a vision.
I'm a psychic.
And I'm Bo Derek.
No, you're not.
You're right, I'm not.
I use sarcasm as a defence.
I see the past, the present and the future.
Tough gig.
Stop being sarcastic.
If everyone who'd ever got close to you had died, you'd be sarcastic too.
Yes, that makes sense.
Come on, I'll lend you money for a coffee.
We ended up going to the staffroom.
There's a clean sofa and the coffee's complimentary.
When Sanchez heard what Liz had to say, he nearly split a log.
Slops! So, you had a vision that something terrible has either happened, is happening, or will happen to a patient in Darkplace? That's about the size of it.
Have you got a name or room number? Room 213.
That's where Renwick is.
" Who's Renwick? No-one.
Forget it.
I know you're lying to me, but I'm a big girl now.
In a year, I'll be a woman.
Who's Renwick? I don't know what you're talking about.
Yes, you do.
You're right.
I do.
Larry Renwick was admitted last week.
He went axe-happy on a trout farm killed 60 fish.
You knew him, didn't you? You really are psychic.
Yes.
Watch this.
Impressive, but don't do that on the ward.
So what happened between you and this Renwick customer? Larry was a colleague of mine when I first started at Darkplace.
God, he was brainy and brave.
Saved my life once.
I saved his twice, so I was one up.
We made a pact to push each other's minds to the limit and beyond.
Naturally, we became fascinated with the occult.
One night.
Larry suggested we open the gates of hell in the canteen.
I pleaded with him.
I said, No, don't.
" But he insisted.
That night we performed the rite and opened the gate.
Halfway through, I went to fix us both a coke float.
By the time I got back, he'd gone insane.
Aargh! Argh! Plus, he'd left the gate open and there was evil everywhere.
I need a shower.
I re-closed the gates of hell but Darkplace hasn't been the same since.
With Larry back, it feels like the gates could re-open any second and that's the last thing I need.
You're overworked as it is.
It'd be a total hassle.
I'll help.
I'm free on Tuesdays and my contract hasn't started yet.
This ain't orthodox, Liz.
Since when were you orthodox, Rick? That's true.
Please.
All right.
I'll pay you, though.
You could use the extra pocket money for clothes and make-up.
I won't let you down.
OK.
What'd help me most right now is if you whack a Brillo round this mug, or it'll stain.
Sanch, I suggest you and I pay Larry a visit, before it's too late, cos it's 8pm now.
This is it.
You and he were buddies, weren't you? Once.
Listen, when I first joined this hospital, I was solo.
You're the first real buddy I ever had.
But if you and he wish to be best buddies again, I won't stand in your way.
I've got a best buddy, but some shit sticks no matter how hard you scrape.
Hang back.
You got it.
Aargh! Larry? Are you all right? I think I'm gonna die.
No, you're gonna make it.
I'll get help.
Nurse! First things first, I gotta stop you bleeding.
Rick, I beg you, kill me.
Oh, Jesus, Larry, don't do this to me.
I beg ya.
It really hurts.
I beg ya.
Forgive me! Oh, no! No! Bye-bye, buddy.
I'll get a mop.
I have never exploded, but, I know what it would be like.
Don't ask me how, I just know.
I've always just known.
I don't know whether someone close to Garth had exploded, whether it was a colleague or a pet but you could tell that scene meant a lot to him.
There were tears on set.
Not from Garth he was strong for the crew.
But I wept.
I'm not ashamed of that.
It's I suppose, one of the many burdens he has to bear as an artist, in bringing us this gift.
Thanks for explaining the situation.
I'm gonna give him the rollicking of his life.
You used this to treat him? I didn't wanna use that thing.
Larry was my friend.
If that's how you treat friends, imagine how you treat enemies.
He's right, Dag.
What went on in there wasn't by the book.
Sanch, I thought we were buddies.
You're squabbling over this like dogs with meat.
I agree with that.
This ain't another exploding patient you can sweep under your rug! Renwick was a gateway to another dimension.
When he exploded that gateway opened.
We must shut it again as soon as possible.
What? Am I holding a crock of shit? Is this hospital called St Crock of Shit? All right, calm down.
Emotions are running high.
What do you suggest, Dag? Burn what's left of the body.
Get lost.
Cool it, or get a knuckle supper.
Dagless, you're a good doctor but you're also a maverick, who bites the hand that feeds.
This hand.
I'm not telling his family that we're burning his body to close the portals to another dimension.
I just won't do it.
This hospital's got a reputation which I intend to keep.
I've yet to see any demons on the ward.
Go make me a pill that cures madness or I'll kick your ass so hard you'll be able to build a pool in the footprint.
Understood? As crystal.
If the gates of hell do re-open, don't say I didn't warn you.
I just have and that means you'd be lying.
I went for a drive to clear my head, which is why I'm now in the car.
I kept thinking about Larry and how inconvenient his blowing up had been.
Maybe the gates to hell had closed once and for all.
Maybe they hadn't.
It was a double-edged point.
Seems like a regular burial.
D'you buy this portal to hell deal? I wouldn't say I buy it.
Let's just say I'm window shopping, and there's a half-price sale on weird.
Larry Renwick will be remembered for his wit and laughing eyes, and for being, above all, a good friend.
I'm sure we all feel he exploded too young but the Lord moves in mysterious ways.
Sometimes he'll come in at an angle.
Other times he can hover or swoop, sometimes he can come in from beneath like a worm or mole.
Lord, it's his call how he chooses to manoeuvre Aargh! Look out, he's got a gun! No my baby boy! Move aside! That's the mother, Rick.
Well, that'll stop him.
Dagless was right about burning Renwick.
I'm going over there to tell him that.
I don't know how, Rick, but you were right.
Here.
Take this, I hate using these things.
You'd best go see to the mother, I had to put a cap in her shoulder.
Tell her tell her I'm sorry.
You did what you had to do.
I know, but do tell her I'm sorry.
Sure.
And thanks, buddy.
Rick, where are you going? To get some air.
To get away.
The doors of Darkplace were open.
Not the literal doors of the building, but evil doors, dark doors, doors to the beyond.
Doors hard to shut because they were abstract and didn't have handles.
More like portals, really.
From this day on, I'd have to fight these forces of darkness and deal with the burden of day-to-day admin.
I do not believe that any form of life, be it human, animal or plant, should be hurt in the making of a TV programme, so, I feel very bad about the cat we killed.
I dropped a sofa on my cat it was a write-off so I stood on its head.
All I do is sit at the typewriter and start hitting the keys.
Getting them in the right order that's the trick.
That's the trick.
Garth Marenghi's Darkplace is a Garth Marenghi production in association with Dean Learner.