GCB (2012) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
Is that enough money? It's enough until we get to where we're going.
Then we'll be okay.
I feel kinda like Bonnie and Clyde.
Only I got about $5 billion more than they had Give or take.
But, you're worried.
I can tell.
I'll feel a whole lot better once I get across that border.
I can make you feel a whole lot better Right now.
In a late breaking development, eye witness news has just earned that federal agents are raiding the Santa Barbara home of late Ponzi mastermind Bill Vaughn, who died three months ago.
Vaughn's widow, Amanda Vaughn, has been unavailable for comment.
We go live now to our very own bridget Sanchez-fong on the scene.
Yes, Josh, it's believed that Amanda Vaughn is still in the home here behind me with her two children.
Wait.
Here's the family's attorney Manson Riggs.
Mr.
Riggs? Mr.
Riggs, please, just one question.
Does this mean that Amanda Vaughn is under investigation now? That's preposterous.
Amanda had no knowledge of her husband's criminal activities.
We will fight this seizure, and we will win.
There's no way we can win.
Thank God you're here.
Okay, I have to move will and Laura as far from California as I can.
I don't want their friends tormenting them about what their father did or the creepy way he died.
Look, I-I-I-I know you haven't spoken to Gigi in years.
No! My Mother is a meddling, overbearing, smothering nightmare who disapproved of me, of bill.
and give her the chance to say "I told you so"? No way.
I don't care how bad things are I will never go back to Dallas.
Mother, it's me.
- This looks like the haunted mansion.
- Only twice as scary.
Do you think grandma will like us more now that dad's dead? Baby, your grandma has always loved you.
It's me she has a problem with.
So this is home now? Only until we find our own house.
This is just a quiet, safe place where we can start rebuilding our lives.
Mom! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Laura! Tony, get down! Romo, behave! Mother.
Darling.
What do you have on? Mother, you haven't laid eyes on me in eight years, and all you can say is come on, let's get you in.
Just give us one minute.
We're gonna Hey, guys, let's start unpacking.
Vamos.
Hey.
Come on.
Well, well, well.
Amanda Vaughn's back in Dallas.
And she's single, to boot.
Of course she's single, Sharon.
Most widows are.
I'm scared.
What if she decides to stay here? What are we gonna do? We're gonna follow the advice of psalms 18:39.
My bible's in my other purse.
We must "gird ourselves with strength unto battle.
" If necessary.
Cricket, are you there? Yep.
She tried to destroy our lives in High School I will not allow history to repeat itself.
How's Amanda look? She's dressed like a migrant worker.
Well, I'm sure the feds took her clothes.
How could Bill do this to his family? Such a tragedy.
The boy's the spitting' image of bill.
Speaking of spitting, you heard how Bill died, didn't you? Heather? Car crash.
They just went over a cliff and burst into flames.
I mean, what caused the accident? There was a woman in the car.
Amanda's best friend, no less.
Her head was in bill's lap, and she was not giving him directions.
Unfortunately, she bit off more than she could chew.
Ladies, it is not appropriate to speak of such things on the phone.
I'll see ya in church.
Where'd they go? Get in here, you all! Come on, you remember your grandmother.
Yeah.
Kind of.
Hey, grandma.
Grandma? Oh, it's been years since I've heard that.
Let's just make it Gigi.
This one needs a haircut.
Let's all go in the kitchen, see what Lupe's got maybe some sweet tea and churros.
Ooh! You know very well I didn't like Bill when you dated him in High School, really didn't like you marrying him, hated it when he dragged you off to California.
I know.
The fact you didn't come to his funeral wasn't my first clue.
I mean, why would anybody in their right mind leave Dallas for Southern California? We've got the same weather without the liberals.
Bill's dead.
A little compassion wouldn't kill ya.
Grandma I mean, Gigi do you have Internet? Oh, why would I? I don't watch porn.
Don't mess with those boxes! Lupe's gonna throw those away for ya.
Don't throw them away.
I'll need them again soon.
We're only here until I get a job.
You don't have to work.
Why don't you and the kids just live here, and I'll pick up the tab? Because I'm terrified of what you might do to my children.
Did you turn out so bad? We're not even going there.
Check out the hair.
Queen of the longhorn ball.
The crown has a cow on it.
For real? Yeah.
Yikes.
Didn't you guys have conditioner back then? Nicknamed "kitten.
" Who'd ever call that a kitten? Your mama cut her from the cheerleading squad for having bad skin.
Carlene doesn't look like that anymore.
She lives right across the street, you know.
Oh! There's Sharon.
She had that body in High School? Yep.
Still does.
Yep.
There's just a lot more of it now.
She was the frontrunner for miss teen Dallas until your mom told the judges she wasn't a virgin.
Oh! Sweet Heather.
Her mother worked in the school cafeteria.
Such a gossip.
Heather just had to know everybody's business.
Knowing everybody's secrets has made Heather rich.
You can sling a lot of real estate when you know whose marriage is falling apart, whose stocks are falling down.
Nobody can turn grief into a 6% commission better than Heather.
There's cricket caruth.
Remember when you spread that rumor she had herpes? Mom! You spread a rumor that some girl had herpes? Oh, darling', that was the least of it.
Your mama was a mean girl.
That's enough, mother.
I'm just saying'.
Cheers.
Not bad for a hill country red.
I know how you love your Pinot noir.
I've been sober for 18 months, mother.
Why? Bill's car wasn't the only thing spinning out of control.
So no more drinking' for me.
Okay.
Well, bring those things down here.
Now listen.
Yeah.
Yes.
If you need to go to one of those, uh Alcoholic meetings A.
A.
Don't go to the one at the Baptist church.
Folding chairs.
Cheesy Bolton says the episcopal at turtle creek much better.
Upholstered, with canapés.
Mmm.
I'm gonna put will in here.
- In daddy's gun room? - Are you crazy? It's perfectly safe.
All the cabinets are locked.
He's gonna love it.
Lupe! Darling! Honey, how are you doing'? I just can't believe dad did all this terrible stuff.
I mean, people lost their savings, charities lost everything.
What does "committing hara-kiri" mean? You know, whatever awful things your father did, he was a really good dad, and that's the only memory worth keeping.
I love you.
Love you, too.
What do we do now? Well, you and Laura are gonna love hillside high.
The hornets! And I'm gonna get a job.
Get a job? Mm-hmm.
What can you do? I don't know, but I'm gonna find out.
I did take those design courses at U.
C.
Santa Barbara.
I love decorating.
Our house did look really cool.
Hey, can I borrow this? My comic books? The portfolio.
I am gonna put some sketches together and dazzle somebody into hiring me.
Mama's gonna get busy.
We're gonna be late for church.
Church? Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
You're gonna live in my house, you're gonna go to church.
Rules are rules.
We didn't raise the kids with any particular religion.
I encouraged them to find their own spirituality.
Cut the commie crap.
My grandchildren are going to church so they can go to heaven.
End of story.
Amen.
God is good, isn't he? A few announcements.
Donations for the canned food drive Can be dropped off here until Wednesday, 5:00.
Please note that auditions for the children's choir have been postponed while miss Hopkins is recovering from hip surgery.
- That's Sharon? - She's a yo-yoer.
Right now, the "yo" is up.
Does anyone have any prayers for the people? Carlene Cockburn.
That's Carlene? Carlene's had a little work done.
A little work? That's a teardown.
This week, let us remember the parable of the prodigal son, or in our case, daughter.
We are overjoyed at the recent return of one of our own back into our fold.
Let us open our hearts in support of her as she struggles to pick up the pieces of her shattered, tragic life, and keep us ever mindful of the humiliation of sin, degradation, and lack of moral decency Is not ours to judge.
Amen.
Oh, my God, she's praying for me.
See? People around here really care.
Amanda, Amanda, Amanda! Welcome home! How long are you staying? Don't know yet.
I'm still figuring it all out.
Well, darling', we all hope you're here for good.
And not for evil.
Look at you, skinny minnie! Oh, Sharon.
I can't believe you even remember me.
How could we forget you? Oh, cricket.
Mm.
Mwah.
Heather, hi! Yeah.
I saw your photo on, like, 40 bus stop benches as I drove into town.
It's nice to know that someone, somewhere is always sitting on my face.
Heather, house of God! Oh, Zack! Wow! My God.
Great to see you.
Sharon, I doesn't Amanda look amazing I mean, I think you look - even better than you did in High School.
- Oh.
Ha ha! Hey, meet our son.
Bozeman.
This is Mrs.
Vaughn.
Hi.
Hi.
And this Landry, Carlene's boy.
Oh, hi.
Awesome.
Did you date my dad in High School? We did not date in High School.
We were just friends.
Yeah, back then, Amanda wouldn't give me the time of day.
She only dated quarterbacks.
Like bill.
God rest his soul.
Tragic.
Let's go get a kolache.
Excuse us.
Blake! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! - Hey, cowboy.
- Hey, cowgirl.
Whoo! How you doing'? Better now that I've seen you.
Listen, I was so sorry to hear about bill.
Well, you just you never know.
So true.
Oh, gosh.
I mean, if you hadn't have stolen bill from me in High School, I might've been in your shoes today.
I might've lost the family business, I'd have never married this one.
Mm-hmm.
So Thank you.
Hey, I really liked your Sunday school lesson today.
All that talk about David and Bathsheba lust-in-your-heart stuff kinda got me in the mood.
The Bible lesson was about the downfall of lust.
Didn't you learn anything? Speaking of lust.
Look at the men.
They're all over her like flies on sh Sugar.
So that's Amanda, huh? Stop staring'.
I can't believe the hostility.
Was I that bad back then? Oh, darling, you were a bitch with teeth.
Okay, I get it.
Got it.
But I've changed.
I've grown up.
I've had kids.
I've had some knocks.
Nobody can stay exactly like they were in High School.
Just you reap what you sow.
You reap what you sow.
Oh, yes, they can.
Hey, mom, what does that mean? That's Texan for "karma.
" Blake called a headhunter, who's gotten me four job interviews.
I'm so excited.
Why you have to hunt head is beyond me.
I'm just saying.
Perfect.
You're teaching my son how to mix drinks? Yes.
He'll be employable someday.
We'll work on whiskey sours this afternoon.
How dare you.
Will, you stay away from alcohol! And stay away from her.
Aah! Mom! What? Get out here! Look at this! Oh, my God! Well, somebody's glad you're back.
Sweet on you! Oh, look at this! Gorgeous.
How do you know the car's from Zack's dealership? Says so on the trunk.
Ripp and I gave Landry a telescope for Christmas.
It's better than the hubble.
We've gotta get on this.
Find out who sent that car! Any idea who gave it to her? I put Sharon on the case.
- Gotta go.
Husband wants me.
- I'm green-lighting a fabric order for the Western wear division.
Sign.
Corduroy's back? Uh, corduroy never goes away, 'cause everyone's ass looks good in corduroy.
Excuse me, miss cricket.
Uh, the photo? Oh, what's this one for? Longhorn ball souvenir poster.
Ah, no, no, no.
White washes you out.
Blue brings out those cornflower eyes I fell for.
Someone gave Amanda a car.
No! Who? Don't know.
It came from Zack's dealership.
Well, you know, Zack was always hot for Amanda in High School.
Just a moment.
I made a reservation at Jebediah's for dinner.
Ah, I'm sorry, baby.
I'm-a be out at the ranch.
Then I'll work out.
Make me an appointment with Jorge.
Okay, boys.
Go.
Zack said whoever bought the car for Amanda paid cash.
Not traceable.
Not good enough.
We need to know who.
Okay.
Onward, you Christian soldier.
You should keep it.
I'm not keeping the car.
That's insane.
I don't need a secret admirer.
My husband just died.
I'm still mourning the bastard, for God sake.
Just let me lay low while I sort out my life.
What is the difference between flowers and a car? A few zeroes, that's all.
You should never reject a gift.
I raised you to be polite.
Return the car right away! And if I even catch you discussing liquor with will, I'm gonna move me and the kids to a refrigerator box under the interstate.
Understood? As long as it's the I-20.
Nobody we know ever rides that road.
Have a good interview.
Oh, my God.
Hello? Hey, Amanda.
Let's find you a place to live.
What's your price range? Well, my lawyer's finally negotiated a living allowance.
It's not much.
O-okay.
Well, let me put some listings together.
Okay.
She's not even gonna be able to afford indoor plumbing.
Jesus didn't have it.
Oh, my God! Oh, don't worry.
They don't allow takeoffs and landings between midnight and 4:00 A.
M.
This is the worst one yet.
Don't you have anything decent? Sure, in fort worth.
Hello?! Hey, it's Zack.
Got your message.
Listen, I've been doing some poking around about that car that showed up in your driveway.
Fantastic.
What? Oh, no, not over the phone.
Why don't you come by the dealership, 'kay? Okay.
Great.
Thanks.
Where the heck are you, kitten? Yeah, I'm gonna be a little late, precious.
Well, you sound upset.
What's wrong? What can I do? How can I help? Well, I had to get some body work done, and they messed up my colon.
Darling', it's John 3:16.
The colon goes between the 3 and the 16.
I don't think he's Christian.
Oops.
Ow.
Excuse me.
Do you know where I can find Zack Peacham? - Right there.
- Thank you.
Well? Who do you think gave me that car? Well, uh I have no idea.
But you said you had a thought.
My thought is I wish I'd thought of it.
Why? Amanda You were the love of my life.
Zack, that's so sweet When I saw you on Sunday, all those feelings came flooding back.
Zack, you're married.
And I am drowning in the very thought of you.
You need to tread water.
No! Zack, you gotta get a grip.
This didn't happen.
Bye! What'll I tell Sharon? You don't tell Sharon nothing.
If I know something and I don't tell her, am I breaking a commandment? I'll Google it.
You can't go messing in Sharon and Zack's relationship.
Now you getting in the middle is just gonna cause you trouble.
Sharon is just gonna have to find out on her own.
Praying for her is all you can do, kitten.
You are so smart.
I'm so blessed to have found a husband like you.
I wish all marriages could be as happy and as secure and as spiritually grounded as ours.
Me, too.
You wanna do it on the desk? mayonnaise twice a week.
Surprise! What in the hell? She's a darling girl.
She just needs a little Tex-ifying.
Big hair is a sign of confidence, and confidence never goes out of style.
Take your sweater off, darling'.
Breasts! Who knew? You've been buying me the wrong bra for years, mom.
And the best part hers are real.
That's gonna save you some money, missy.
Mother, I am laying down the law about you and my kids.
You are out of control.
Have I harmed her in any way? No.
Is she happy? Yes.
Is she gonna have a little more confidence in that viper pit of hillside high? I hope so.
But you, Amanda, are starting to get on my nerves.
Laura, get that sweater back on, put those breasts away, and find your brother.
We are out of here! Miss Gigi! Miss Gigi, come quick! What? Zip this up now! What is this? Zip it.
I have no idea! Who sent this? Oh! What on earth?! Sharon, half of Neiman's just got delivered to Amanda's.
Oh, my God! What the hell is going on? Well, we're gonna pay her a visit and find out.
Slap together that welcome basket now.
Amanda Vaughn? Yes.
Jobeth Marie, your personal Neiman Marcus shopper.
Howdy.
Howdy.
Uh, there's been a mistake.
I haven't been shopping, personal or otherwise.
Uh, well, someone has.
This is all for you.
Secret admirer strikes again.
Well, he certainly has great taste.
Take it all back.
But it's all paid for.
No buts! Back.
Thank you.
Not this one.
Just Jobeth Marie sent a gift card to replace all the loot you returned.
But I don't want it.
You need a new outfit for the longhorn ball.
Everyone will be there.
I told you.
I'm not going to the longhorn ball.
I'm trying to live a simpler life.
I don't wanna see everyone.
How will all the eligible men know you're in town? If you don't put in the window, who's gonna know it's for sale? I'm not a heifer.
Exactly.
You're not young enough to be a heifer.
Mom, we have Internet now.
Merry Christmas.
Ugh.
Give me that.
I gotta find us a house.
I'm not a heifer.
Hi.
Come on in.
Thanks for coming over.
Oh, my pleasure.
Listen, I've got some great listings for you, some dreamy condos in Waxahachie.
Well, my listings are better.
Uh, there are 22 houses nearby that are perfectly fine, clean dwellings that I can afford, especially if I get a job.
Seven of them are listed with your company.
Why'd you show me all that crap, Heather? What gives? Okay, I'm sorry.
I wasn't exactly giving you 100% can we just start over tomorrow? I'm all about starting over.
And I might as well begin by apologizing to you.
Look, I'll admit I was a mean girl.
I really don't know why.
I had a charmed life.
Yeah, you sure did.
I mean, I know I was friends with you in High School, but that was basically out of self-defense.
I couldn't afford to be your enemy.
Look, Heather, you have no idea how much I've changed.
I need to warn you about something.
Hold that thought.
Surprise! Hey! We didn't know if you were a red or a white girl.
Actually, neither.
I'm sober 18 months.
Ah, don't beat yourself up.
Jesus drank wine, preferred it to water.
Feast of cana.
Look it up.
Closest I ever came to abstinence was no salt in my Margarita.
I'm afraid you're gonna shrivel up and blow away, you little toothpick! Sharon, can I help you? Oh.
Yeah.
How is it going with Amanda? You know, I really do think she's changed.
Heather, darling, next time you're in your office, I want you to calculate the percentage of your business that flows directly from my property holdings.
Then read job chapter 1, verse 21.
"The lord giveth, and the lord taketh away.
" Cute sweater.
Oh, great! A go-to medical list pediatricians, gynecologists.
And this is doctors - for when you need a little - "Freshen up.
" I won't lie to you.
I have hair extensions.
But should you decide to have some work done, always check the car the doctor drives.
If it's a Ferrari, hire him.
If it's a pickup, it means he lost a lawsuit.
Speaking of cars, I thought I saw you at Zack's dealership.
I would've said hi, but I wasn't sure it was you.
You went to see Zack? Cars? A new wardrobe? Juicy.
How do you know about the clothes? Oh, I saw the Neiman's truck when I was on neighborhood watch.
Oh, what'd you get from Neiman's? I don't know.
I sent it all back, - but then they left me a gift card.
- Sent it back? It's kind of exasperating.
Oh, it's so exciting! Maybe - Not that much? Maybe we could go shopping.
- You went and saw Zack? Ladies! Don't know.
Don't care.
School night.
Whoo.
- I'm gonna call you tomorrow - Yeah, the houses.
And go over those listings.
Well, let's just set up those appointments and then we can just check it off the list.
- Yeah, check them off.
- Uh, good night, girls.
- Good night you, sweetie.
- Good night.
- Good night! - Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Amanda is after Zack! What I am gonna do? Sharon, remember how Amanda was back in High School.
- We can't just let her walk back in - Mnh-mnh.
And pick up where she left off.
If she's up to her old tricks, we need to know.
And you can help.
How? Carlene Cockburn.
You broke commandment number eight! I did not steal.
It's research.
It's not like I'm gonna keep it.
We'll have it back to Amanda before she even knows it's gone.
It's important that you find the identity of her secret admirer.
Why me? You already made me try to find out who sent her the car! And you didn't.
God hates failure.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I received this gift card.
Can I get some information about it? Absolutely.
Be happy to.
You have $98,728.
32 left.
Actually, I just wanted to find out who gave it so that I can write a proper thank-you note.
Certainly.
May I see some I.
D.
, please? No.
Uh, Ms.
Vaughn? Drive it like you stole it! She's gonna kill me! Sharon is freaking out over how Amanda will retaliate after the gift card fiasco.
Oh, poor Sharon.
She's so stressed, she's probably eaten Waco by now.
Maybe Amanda won't find out.
No.
Ms.
Vaughn? Shall we call the police? In High School, Amanda would've shot Sharon for something like that.
No police.
She's An old friend.
I'm sure she was trying to be helpful.
So no further action required? Nope.
I'm sorry for the confusion.
Not a problem.
Oh, so we still have no idea who the secret admirer is? - No, and I don't know what to do about it.
- Oh.
I really feel like Sharon needs to know about Zack and Amanda.
What? Oh, the devil put that in my mouth.
Hurt me, Jorge.
Hurt me.
I deserve it.
Aah! Thank you.
Zack and Amanda? Already? I don't believe it.
Not even Amanda would do that.
It's too horrible.
It's no worse than her telling the world you have herpes.
Excuse me.
I don't have herpes.
I don't have herpes! You have a great eye.
You do.
But it's tough these days, and we're we're just not hiring.
No one seems to be.
It's my third interview today.
Thank you.
Good luck.
Your friend Amanda was just here, and per your request, I just could not find a place for her.
Well, congratulations, Colleen.
I just found a place for you on the board of the garden society.
Wonderful.
Thank What can I get ya? Make it a ginger ale.
Aren't you chilly? Yeah, but it's good for business.
Keeps the girls alert.
Aren't you uncomfortable? Maybe when I first started, but then I got my first paycheck.
Darling', this is paying for nursing school.
Some nights, I make over a grand in tips, cash.
Thanks.
Who do I talk to about a job? What's the big news? I can look for a better house.
No way.
You got a job? Mm-hmm.
Well, what? Where? Somewhere Unbelievable, and it's gonna pay the rent.
Hey, Blake! Hey, baby! Cowboy.
How you doing, cowgirl? Where's cricket? Mm.
Mw.
Hey, Heather.
Mm.
Mm.
Interviewing new pilates instructors.
Hey, listen.
I'm having dinner with my ranch foreman.
- Why don't y'all join us? - Uh, actually, I'm meeting a client, but you go ahead.
Well, it's our loss then, isn't it? Come on, baby.
We're gonna feed you, fatten you up.
- Oh, my.
- Come on, cricket's not that bad.
She hates me still Well And I don't blame her.
- All right, what about Carlene? Huh? - Ooh.
Can you believe she used to make us call her "kitten"? Now sex kitten's more like it.
Ugh.
- Oh, and Sharon.
- God bless her.
- She's wound tighter than a tick.
- Oh.
But that Zack, he's still studly.
Mm.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, Amanda, this is booth Becker.
He's my ranch foreman.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Pleasure.
Sorry I'm late.
Two horses foaling.
Beauties.
We go way back.
Oh, my purse.
Yeah? Yeah, she's a firecracker.
And the cattle tanks still hadn't filled up yet.
Oh, man.
I guess we're gonna be pumping all night, huh? - Oh, yeah.
- I better go.
- Come on now.
What are you talking about? - Why? You guys need to talk about cowpoking or something masculine.
I gotta go.
Well, now you're all fixed for the longhorn ball, right? I'm to gonna go.
It's tomorrow night.
It's expensive.
You are going.
I'm putting you on the list.
You can be booth's date.
That'd be smoking'.
I'll pick you up at 8:00.
- And I'm sending you a killer outfit.
- It's a date! I love that girl.
I'll be right back for your fries.
Thank you.
here you go.
And my name's Amanda, if you need anything.
Excuse me.
Hey, what can I get ya? Check it out.
Is that her? Hey, I need two beers.
- Yeah, it's that widow woman from church.
- It's Mrs.
Vaughn.
It's the M.
I.
L.
F.
dad never got to tap in High School.
I want her to serve me.
Fake I.
D.
, moron.
Come on.
We're outta here.
Here you go.
Souvenir for dad.
Lord, have mercy! Wow! Longhorn ball.
Nice.
Don't forget your paycheck.
Night.
Night.
Amanda.
Good.
You came.
Hi, mom.
And you brought a man.
Family, this is Blake's foreman booth.
- Blake's foreman booth, this is family.
- Pleasure, ma'am.
We were just about to ride the Texas star.
- Bye, y'all! Ready? Here we go.
- Come on.
Oh, damn! I look good on you.
Whoo! My clothes, I mean.
Mwah.
Hey, booth.
What's up, man? How's it going on the ranch? Hate to tell you, boss.
There's beavers in the pond.
Hey, I'm-a see you on the dance floor.
All right, beautiful.
Mwah.
Bye, y'all.
- Come on, everybody! - Buck your brains out! Get on up here and buck your brains out! - Who's next? How about you? - Come on! Will! Hi! Mom! Look! Good ridin' there, son.
Thank you.
Will! Honey, you could get hurt doing something like that.
Oh, come on.
The kid's a natural.
You gotta get him in a rodeo.
Oh, please.
I don't think so.
I'm Ripp Cockburn.
Carlene's husband.
I'd heard she'd married a big ol' amarillo oilman.
Mr.
Cockburn lives across the street from us.
Well, he really does favor his daddy, huh? Old Bill pulled some crazy stuff, too, didn't he? You knew my dad? Yeah.
Go get ya a corny dog, son.
Thank you.
So you knew my husband? Sure did.
I'll be seeing you.
Hey.
Hey.
Here's a list of some really good houses for you.
You should take the one I circled.
And I don't blame you if you wanna use another real estate agent, but they'll charge you a fee.
Thank you.
Well, this is the best meat market in the world, and I do not wanna be seen next to you.
You are too spectacular.
Happy hunting'.
Amanda.
Sweet, sweet Amanda.
We are terrified for you.
W oh, my God.
This is awful.
I'm mortified.
I'm a terrible person.
This guy asked for extra dressing, and I forgot.
To work in a place like that Honey, we live in a righteous community.
Oh, yeah.
Fun fact Dallas has more churches per capita than anywhere on earth.
Also, Dallas has more strip clubs per capita than anywhere on earth.
- Two plus two equals - A double standard.
Amanda, now that we have embraced you as a sister, we simply want you to understand that we have a moral code here.
A moral code? Okay.
Well, I wanna know all about it.
Let's discuss it over lunch.
I have an idea, Sharon.
We'll go to Neiman's.
I have a huge credit there.
Is Tuesday okay? Carlene made me do it! Looking good, Amanda.
Let's go get a fried twinkie while they're hot.
- Cricket? - Mm? I hurt you.
I stole Bill from you.
I know that.
What else can I say? I'm sorry, but I guarantee you I won't be stealing Blake.
Baby, they're playing our song.
Come on.
Darling', don't think I'm buying this for one minute.
Excuse me? I saw you kissing Sharon's husband at the car dealership.
Zack kissed me.
I don't want Zack.
Whatever.
Our kids go to the same school, and you parade around in public like this? You are so judgmental.
If memory serves, even Jesus hung out with whores and thieves.
Not in my neighborhood, he didn't.
I get it.
You're threatened.
A long time ago, I was queen bitch around here.
Now you hold the title.
Don't worry, Carlene.
I don't want the title back.
It's yours.
How dare you call me a bitch.
How dare you call yourself a Christian.
Well, if you don't like things around here, maybe you should just go back to where you came from.
What's the point? There is stupidity and hypocrisy everywhere.
It's just a shame I have to live across the street from ground zero.
Well, at least my husband's smart enough to keep both hands on the wheel during orgasm.
Come on, kids.
Where did you come from, big guy? Where do you think? No way.
You did not.
Did.
Mother.
I know I make you crazy.
I know I'm out of control.
I know I push too hard.
But you know that I am not going to stop.
And whether you agree with my methods or not, I did raise you And you are magnificent.
Mama, I love you.
You're as crazy as an outhouse rat But I love you.
By the way, if you're not gonna use this, I feel confident the good lord would like me to have a new fur coat.
God often speaks to me through Christian dior.
Oh, yes.
Unbelievable.
And finally, the youth ministry car wash was a smashing success, raising over $900.
Now does anyone have any announcements, prayer, concerns? Amanda.
Dear lord, today's theme is "count your blessings," and during the service, I've been sitting here counting mine, and I realize how blessed we all are.
We should all be so thankful for our homes, our families, our friends.
Let us also be grateful for your blessing of forgiveness, because we all need to forgive and be forgiven.
Personally I have been blessed with a second chance to start over, to do better in this wonderful community I now call home again.
I'm thankful to have a job At boobylicious.
I'm grateful to my employer, the kitten corp, which is a wholly owned subsidiary of Cockburn unlimited.
God bless Ripp and Carlene Cockburn.
For these and all your gifts, may we be truly thankful and endeavor to walk the good Christian path.
Amen.
I'm thinking I kinda like this church stuff.
Then we'll be okay.
I feel kinda like Bonnie and Clyde.
Only I got about $5 billion more than they had Give or take.
But, you're worried.
I can tell.
I'll feel a whole lot better once I get across that border.
I can make you feel a whole lot better Right now.
In a late breaking development, eye witness news has just earned that federal agents are raiding the Santa Barbara home of late Ponzi mastermind Bill Vaughn, who died three months ago.
Vaughn's widow, Amanda Vaughn, has been unavailable for comment.
We go live now to our very own bridget Sanchez-fong on the scene.
Yes, Josh, it's believed that Amanda Vaughn is still in the home here behind me with her two children.
Wait.
Here's the family's attorney Manson Riggs.
Mr.
Riggs? Mr.
Riggs, please, just one question.
Does this mean that Amanda Vaughn is under investigation now? That's preposterous.
Amanda had no knowledge of her husband's criminal activities.
We will fight this seizure, and we will win.
There's no way we can win.
Thank God you're here.
Okay, I have to move will and Laura as far from California as I can.
I don't want their friends tormenting them about what their father did or the creepy way he died.
Look, I-I-I-I know you haven't spoken to Gigi in years.
No! My Mother is a meddling, overbearing, smothering nightmare who disapproved of me, of bill.
and give her the chance to say "I told you so"? No way.
I don't care how bad things are I will never go back to Dallas.
Mother, it's me.
- This looks like the haunted mansion.
- Only twice as scary.
Do you think grandma will like us more now that dad's dead? Baby, your grandma has always loved you.
It's me she has a problem with.
So this is home now? Only until we find our own house.
This is just a quiet, safe place where we can start rebuilding our lives.
Mom! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Laura! Tony, get down! Romo, behave! Mother.
Darling.
What do you have on? Mother, you haven't laid eyes on me in eight years, and all you can say is come on, let's get you in.
Just give us one minute.
We're gonna Hey, guys, let's start unpacking.
Vamos.
Hey.
Come on.
Well, well, well.
Amanda Vaughn's back in Dallas.
And she's single, to boot.
Of course she's single, Sharon.
Most widows are.
I'm scared.
What if she decides to stay here? What are we gonna do? We're gonna follow the advice of psalms 18:39.
My bible's in my other purse.
We must "gird ourselves with strength unto battle.
" If necessary.
Cricket, are you there? Yep.
She tried to destroy our lives in High School I will not allow history to repeat itself.
How's Amanda look? She's dressed like a migrant worker.
Well, I'm sure the feds took her clothes.
How could Bill do this to his family? Such a tragedy.
The boy's the spitting' image of bill.
Speaking of spitting, you heard how Bill died, didn't you? Heather? Car crash.
They just went over a cliff and burst into flames.
I mean, what caused the accident? There was a woman in the car.
Amanda's best friend, no less.
Her head was in bill's lap, and she was not giving him directions.
Unfortunately, she bit off more than she could chew.
Ladies, it is not appropriate to speak of such things on the phone.
I'll see ya in church.
Where'd they go? Get in here, you all! Come on, you remember your grandmother.
Yeah.
Kind of.
Hey, grandma.
Grandma? Oh, it's been years since I've heard that.
Let's just make it Gigi.
This one needs a haircut.
Let's all go in the kitchen, see what Lupe's got maybe some sweet tea and churros.
Ooh! You know very well I didn't like Bill when you dated him in High School, really didn't like you marrying him, hated it when he dragged you off to California.
I know.
The fact you didn't come to his funeral wasn't my first clue.
I mean, why would anybody in their right mind leave Dallas for Southern California? We've got the same weather without the liberals.
Bill's dead.
A little compassion wouldn't kill ya.
Grandma I mean, Gigi do you have Internet? Oh, why would I? I don't watch porn.
Don't mess with those boxes! Lupe's gonna throw those away for ya.
Don't throw them away.
I'll need them again soon.
We're only here until I get a job.
You don't have to work.
Why don't you and the kids just live here, and I'll pick up the tab? Because I'm terrified of what you might do to my children.
Did you turn out so bad? We're not even going there.
Check out the hair.
Queen of the longhorn ball.
The crown has a cow on it.
For real? Yeah.
Yikes.
Didn't you guys have conditioner back then? Nicknamed "kitten.
" Who'd ever call that a kitten? Your mama cut her from the cheerleading squad for having bad skin.
Carlene doesn't look like that anymore.
She lives right across the street, you know.
Oh! There's Sharon.
She had that body in High School? Yep.
Still does.
Yep.
There's just a lot more of it now.
She was the frontrunner for miss teen Dallas until your mom told the judges she wasn't a virgin.
Oh! Sweet Heather.
Her mother worked in the school cafeteria.
Such a gossip.
Heather just had to know everybody's business.
Knowing everybody's secrets has made Heather rich.
You can sling a lot of real estate when you know whose marriage is falling apart, whose stocks are falling down.
Nobody can turn grief into a 6% commission better than Heather.
There's cricket caruth.
Remember when you spread that rumor she had herpes? Mom! You spread a rumor that some girl had herpes? Oh, darling', that was the least of it.
Your mama was a mean girl.
That's enough, mother.
I'm just saying'.
Cheers.
Not bad for a hill country red.
I know how you love your Pinot noir.
I've been sober for 18 months, mother.
Why? Bill's car wasn't the only thing spinning out of control.
So no more drinking' for me.
Okay.
Well, bring those things down here.
Now listen.
Yeah.
Yes.
If you need to go to one of those, uh Alcoholic meetings A.
A.
Don't go to the one at the Baptist church.
Folding chairs.
Cheesy Bolton says the episcopal at turtle creek much better.
Upholstered, with canapés.
Mmm.
I'm gonna put will in here.
- In daddy's gun room? - Are you crazy? It's perfectly safe.
All the cabinets are locked.
He's gonna love it.
Lupe! Darling! Honey, how are you doing'? I just can't believe dad did all this terrible stuff.
I mean, people lost their savings, charities lost everything.
What does "committing hara-kiri" mean? You know, whatever awful things your father did, he was a really good dad, and that's the only memory worth keeping.
I love you.
Love you, too.
What do we do now? Well, you and Laura are gonna love hillside high.
The hornets! And I'm gonna get a job.
Get a job? Mm-hmm.
What can you do? I don't know, but I'm gonna find out.
I did take those design courses at U.
C.
Santa Barbara.
I love decorating.
Our house did look really cool.
Hey, can I borrow this? My comic books? The portfolio.
I am gonna put some sketches together and dazzle somebody into hiring me.
Mama's gonna get busy.
We're gonna be late for church.
Church? Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
You're gonna live in my house, you're gonna go to church.
Rules are rules.
We didn't raise the kids with any particular religion.
I encouraged them to find their own spirituality.
Cut the commie crap.
My grandchildren are going to church so they can go to heaven.
End of story.
Amen.
God is good, isn't he? A few announcements.
Donations for the canned food drive Can be dropped off here until Wednesday, 5:00.
Please note that auditions for the children's choir have been postponed while miss Hopkins is recovering from hip surgery.
- That's Sharon? - She's a yo-yoer.
Right now, the "yo" is up.
Does anyone have any prayers for the people? Carlene Cockburn.
That's Carlene? Carlene's had a little work done.
A little work? That's a teardown.
This week, let us remember the parable of the prodigal son, or in our case, daughter.
We are overjoyed at the recent return of one of our own back into our fold.
Let us open our hearts in support of her as she struggles to pick up the pieces of her shattered, tragic life, and keep us ever mindful of the humiliation of sin, degradation, and lack of moral decency Is not ours to judge.
Amen.
Oh, my God, she's praying for me.
See? People around here really care.
Amanda, Amanda, Amanda! Welcome home! How long are you staying? Don't know yet.
I'm still figuring it all out.
Well, darling', we all hope you're here for good.
And not for evil.
Look at you, skinny minnie! Oh, Sharon.
I can't believe you even remember me.
How could we forget you? Oh, cricket.
Mm.
Mwah.
Heather, hi! Yeah.
I saw your photo on, like, 40 bus stop benches as I drove into town.
It's nice to know that someone, somewhere is always sitting on my face.
Heather, house of God! Oh, Zack! Wow! My God.
Great to see you.
Sharon, I doesn't Amanda look amazing I mean, I think you look - even better than you did in High School.
- Oh.
Ha ha! Hey, meet our son.
Bozeman.
This is Mrs.
Vaughn.
Hi.
Hi.
And this Landry, Carlene's boy.
Oh, hi.
Awesome.
Did you date my dad in High School? We did not date in High School.
We were just friends.
Yeah, back then, Amanda wouldn't give me the time of day.
She only dated quarterbacks.
Like bill.
God rest his soul.
Tragic.
Let's go get a kolache.
Excuse us.
Blake! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! - Hey, cowboy.
- Hey, cowgirl.
Whoo! How you doing'? Better now that I've seen you.
Listen, I was so sorry to hear about bill.
Well, you just you never know.
So true.
Oh, gosh.
I mean, if you hadn't have stolen bill from me in High School, I might've been in your shoes today.
I might've lost the family business, I'd have never married this one.
Mm-hmm.
So Thank you.
Hey, I really liked your Sunday school lesson today.
All that talk about David and Bathsheba lust-in-your-heart stuff kinda got me in the mood.
The Bible lesson was about the downfall of lust.
Didn't you learn anything? Speaking of lust.
Look at the men.
They're all over her like flies on sh Sugar.
So that's Amanda, huh? Stop staring'.
I can't believe the hostility.
Was I that bad back then? Oh, darling, you were a bitch with teeth.
Okay, I get it.
Got it.
But I've changed.
I've grown up.
I've had kids.
I've had some knocks.
Nobody can stay exactly like they were in High School.
Just you reap what you sow.
You reap what you sow.
Oh, yes, they can.
Hey, mom, what does that mean? That's Texan for "karma.
" Blake called a headhunter, who's gotten me four job interviews.
I'm so excited.
Why you have to hunt head is beyond me.
I'm just saying.
Perfect.
You're teaching my son how to mix drinks? Yes.
He'll be employable someday.
We'll work on whiskey sours this afternoon.
How dare you.
Will, you stay away from alcohol! And stay away from her.
Aah! Mom! What? Get out here! Look at this! Oh, my God! Well, somebody's glad you're back.
Sweet on you! Oh, look at this! Gorgeous.
How do you know the car's from Zack's dealership? Says so on the trunk.
Ripp and I gave Landry a telescope for Christmas.
It's better than the hubble.
We've gotta get on this.
Find out who sent that car! Any idea who gave it to her? I put Sharon on the case.
- Gotta go.
Husband wants me.
- I'm green-lighting a fabric order for the Western wear division.
Sign.
Corduroy's back? Uh, corduroy never goes away, 'cause everyone's ass looks good in corduroy.
Excuse me, miss cricket.
Uh, the photo? Oh, what's this one for? Longhorn ball souvenir poster.
Ah, no, no, no.
White washes you out.
Blue brings out those cornflower eyes I fell for.
Someone gave Amanda a car.
No! Who? Don't know.
It came from Zack's dealership.
Well, you know, Zack was always hot for Amanda in High School.
Just a moment.
I made a reservation at Jebediah's for dinner.
Ah, I'm sorry, baby.
I'm-a be out at the ranch.
Then I'll work out.
Make me an appointment with Jorge.
Okay, boys.
Go.
Zack said whoever bought the car for Amanda paid cash.
Not traceable.
Not good enough.
We need to know who.
Okay.
Onward, you Christian soldier.
You should keep it.
I'm not keeping the car.
That's insane.
I don't need a secret admirer.
My husband just died.
I'm still mourning the bastard, for God sake.
Just let me lay low while I sort out my life.
What is the difference between flowers and a car? A few zeroes, that's all.
You should never reject a gift.
I raised you to be polite.
Return the car right away! And if I even catch you discussing liquor with will, I'm gonna move me and the kids to a refrigerator box under the interstate.
Understood? As long as it's the I-20.
Nobody we know ever rides that road.
Have a good interview.
Oh, my God.
Hello? Hey, Amanda.
Let's find you a place to live.
What's your price range? Well, my lawyer's finally negotiated a living allowance.
It's not much.
O-okay.
Well, let me put some listings together.
Okay.
She's not even gonna be able to afford indoor plumbing.
Jesus didn't have it.
Oh, my God! Oh, don't worry.
They don't allow takeoffs and landings between midnight and 4:00 A.
M.
This is the worst one yet.
Don't you have anything decent? Sure, in fort worth.
Hello?! Hey, it's Zack.
Got your message.
Listen, I've been doing some poking around about that car that showed up in your driveway.
Fantastic.
What? Oh, no, not over the phone.
Why don't you come by the dealership, 'kay? Okay.
Great.
Thanks.
Where the heck are you, kitten? Yeah, I'm gonna be a little late, precious.
Well, you sound upset.
What's wrong? What can I do? How can I help? Well, I had to get some body work done, and they messed up my colon.
Darling', it's John 3:16.
The colon goes between the 3 and the 16.
I don't think he's Christian.
Oops.
Ow.
Excuse me.
Do you know where I can find Zack Peacham? - Right there.
- Thank you.
Well? Who do you think gave me that car? Well, uh I have no idea.
But you said you had a thought.
My thought is I wish I'd thought of it.
Why? Amanda You were the love of my life.
Zack, that's so sweet When I saw you on Sunday, all those feelings came flooding back.
Zack, you're married.
And I am drowning in the very thought of you.
You need to tread water.
No! Zack, you gotta get a grip.
This didn't happen.
Bye! What'll I tell Sharon? You don't tell Sharon nothing.
If I know something and I don't tell her, am I breaking a commandment? I'll Google it.
You can't go messing in Sharon and Zack's relationship.
Now you getting in the middle is just gonna cause you trouble.
Sharon is just gonna have to find out on her own.
Praying for her is all you can do, kitten.
You are so smart.
I'm so blessed to have found a husband like you.
I wish all marriages could be as happy and as secure and as spiritually grounded as ours.
Me, too.
You wanna do it on the desk? mayonnaise twice a week.
Surprise! What in the hell? She's a darling girl.
She just needs a little Tex-ifying.
Big hair is a sign of confidence, and confidence never goes out of style.
Take your sweater off, darling'.
Breasts! Who knew? You've been buying me the wrong bra for years, mom.
And the best part hers are real.
That's gonna save you some money, missy.
Mother, I am laying down the law about you and my kids.
You are out of control.
Have I harmed her in any way? No.
Is she happy? Yes.
Is she gonna have a little more confidence in that viper pit of hillside high? I hope so.
But you, Amanda, are starting to get on my nerves.
Laura, get that sweater back on, put those breasts away, and find your brother.
We are out of here! Miss Gigi! Miss Gigi, come quick! What? Zip this up now! What is this? Zip it.
I have no idea! Who sent this? Oh! What on earth?! Sharon, half of Neiman's just got delivered to Amanda's.
Oh, my God! What the hell is going on? Well, we're gonna pay her a visit and find out.
Slap together that welcome basket now.
Amanda Vaughn? Yes.
Jobeth Marie, your personal Neiman Marcus shopper.
Howdy.
Howdy.
Uh, there's been a mistake.
I haven't been shopping, personal or otherwise.
Uh, well, someone has.
This is all for you.
Secret admirer strikes again.
Well, he certainly has great taste.
Take it all back.
But it's all paid for.
No buts! Back.
Thank you.
Not this one.
Just Jobeth Marie sent a gift card to replace all the loot you returned.
But I don't want it.
You need a new outfit for the longhorn ball.
Everyone will be there.
I told you.
I'm not going to the longhorn ball.
I'm trying to live a simpler life.
I don't wanna see everyone.
How will all the eligible men know you're in town? If you don't put in the window, who's gonna know it's for sale? I'm not a heifer.
Exactly.
You're not young enough to be a heifer.
Mom, we have Internet now.
Merry Christmas.
Ugh.
Give me that.
I gotta find us a house.
I'm not a heifer.
Hi.
Come on in.
Thanks for coming over.
Oh, my pleasure.
Listen, I've got some great listings for you, some dreamy condos in Waxahachie.
Well, my listings are better.
Uh, there are 22 houses nearby that are perfectly fine, clean dwellings that I can afford, especially if I get a job.
Seven of them are listed with your company.
Why'd you show me all that crap, Heather? What gives? Okay, I'm sorry.
I wasn't exactly giving you 100% can we just start over tomorrow? I'm all about starting over.
And I might as well begin by apologizing to you.
Look, I'll admit I was a mean girl.
I really don't know why.
I had a charmed life.
Yeah, you sure did.
I mean, I know I was friends with you in High School, but that was basically out of self-defense.
I couldn't afford to be your enemy.
Look, Heather, you have no idea how much I've changed.
I need to warn you about something.
Hold that thought.
Surprise! Hey! We didn't know if you were a red or a white girl.
Actually, neither.
I'm sober 18 months.
Ah, don't beat yourself up.
Jesus drank wine, preferred it to water.
Feast of cana.
Look it up.
Closest I ever came to abstinence was no salt in my Margarita.
I'm afraid you're gonna shrivel up and blow away, you little toothpick! Sharon, can I help you? Oh.
Yeah.
How is it going with Amanda? You know, I really do think she's changed.
Heather, darling, next time you're in your office, I want you to calculate the percentage of your business that flows directly from my property holdings.
Then read job chapter 1, verse 21.
"The lord giveth, and the lord taketh away.
" Cute sweater.
Oh, great! A go-to medical list pediatricians, gynecologists.
And this is doctors - for when you need a little - "Freshen up.
" I won't lie to you.
I have hair extensions.
But should you decide to have some work done, always check the car the doctor drives.
If it's a Ferrari, hire him.
If it's a pickup, it means he lost a lawsuit.
Speaking of cars, I thought I saw you at Zack's dealership.
I would've said hi, but I wasn't sure it was you.
You went to see Zack? Cars? A new wardrobe? Juicy.
How do you know about the clothes? Oh, I saw the Neiman's truck when I was on neighborhood watch.
Oh, what'd you get from Neiman's? I don't know.
I sent it all back, - but then they left me a gift card.
- Sent it back? It's kind of exasperating.
Oh, it's so exciting! Maybe - Not that much? Maybe we could go shopping.
- You went and saw Zack? Ladies! Don't know.
Don't care.
School night.
Whoo.
- I'm gonna call you tomorrow - Yeah, the houses.
And go over those listings.
Well, let's just set up those appointments and then we can just check it off the list.
- Yeah, check them off.
- Uh, good night, girls.
- Good night you, sweetie.
- Good night.
- Good night! - Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Amanda is after Zack! What I am gonna do? Sharon, remember how Amanda was back in High School.
- We can't just let her walk back in - Mnh-mnh.
And pick up where she left off.
If she's up to her old tricks, we need to know.
And you can help.
How? Carlene Cockburn.
You broke commandment number eight! I did not steal.
It's research.
It's not like I'm gonna keep it.
We'll have it back to Amanda before she even knows it's gone.
It's important that you find the identity of her secret admirer.
Why me? You already made me try to find out who sent her the car! And you didn't.
God hates failure.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I received this gift card.
Can I get some information about it? Absolutely.
Be happy to.
You have $98,728.
32 left.
Actually, I just wanted to find out who gave it so that I can write a proper thank-you note.
Certainly.
May I see some I.
D.
, please? No.
Uh, Ms.
Vaughn? Drive it like you stole it! She's gonna kill me! Sharon is freaking out over how Amanda will retaliate after the gift card fiasco.
Oh, poor Sharon.
She's so stressed, she's probably eaten Waco by now.
Maybe Amanda won't find out.
No.
Ms.
Vaughn? Shall we call the police? In High School, Amanda would've shot Sharon for something like that.
No police.
She's An old friend.
I'm sure she was trying to be helpful.
So no further action required? Nope.
I'm sorry for the confusion.
Not a problem.
Oh, so we still have no idea who the secret admirer is? - No, and I don't know what to do about it.
- Oh.
I really feel like Sharon needs to know about Zack and Amanda.
What? Oh, the devil put that in my mouth.
Hurt me, Jorge.
Hurt me.
I deserve it.
Aah! Thank you.
Zack and Amanda? Already? I don't believe it.
Not even Amanda would do that.
It's too horrible.
It's no worse than her telling the world you have herpes.
Excuse me.
I don't have herpes.
I don't have herpes! You have a great eye.
You do.
But it's tough these days, and we're we're just not hiring.
No one seems to be.
It's my third interview today.
Thank you.
Good luck.
Your friend Amanda was just here, and per your request, I just could not find a place for her.
Well, congratulations, Colleen.
I just found a place for you on the board of the garden society.
Wonderful.
Thank What can I get ya? Make it a ginger ale.
Aren't you chilly? Yeah, but it's good for business.
Keeps the girls alert.
Aren't you uncomfortable? Maybe when I first started, but then I got my first paycheck.
Darling', this is paying for nursing school.
Some nights, I make over a grand in tips, cash.
Thanks.
Who do I talk to about a job? What's the big news? I can look for a better house.
No way.
You got a job? Mm-hmm.
Well, what? Where? Somewhere Unbelievable, and it's gonna pay the rent.
Hey, Blake! Hey, baby! Cowboy.
How you doing, cowgirl? Where's cricket? Mm.
Mw.
Hey, Heather.
Mm.
Mm.
Interviewing new pilates instructors.
Hey, listen.
I'm having dinner with my ranch foreman.
- Why don't y'all join us? - Uh, actually, I'm meeting a client, but you go ahead.
Well, it's our loss then, isn't it? Come on, baby.
We're gonna feed you, fatten you up.
- Oh, my.
- Come on, cricket's not that bad.
She hates me still Well And I don't blame her.
- All right, what about Carlene? Huh? - Ooh.
Can you believe she used to make us call her "kitten"? Now sex kitten's more like it.
Ugh.
- Oh, and Sharon.
- God bless her.
- She's wound tighter than a tick.
- Oh.
But that Zack, he's still studly.
Mm.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, Amanda, this is booth Becker.
He's my ranch foreman.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Pleasure.
Sorry I'm late.
Two horses foaling.
Beauties.
We go way back.
Oh, my purse.
Yeah? Yeah, she's a firecracker.
And the cattle tanks still hadn't filled up yet.
Oh, man.
I guess we're gonna be pumping all night, huh? - Oh, yeah.
- I better go.
- Come on now.
What are you talking about? - Why? You guys need to talk about cowpoking or something masculine.
I gotta go.
Well, now you're all fixed for the longhorn ball, right? I'm to gonna go.
It's tomorrow night.
It's expensive.
You are going.
I'm putting you on the list.
You can be booth's date.
That'd be smoking'.
I'll pick you up at 8:00.
- And I'm sending you a killer outfit.
- It's a date! I love that girl.
I'll be right back for your fries.
Thank you.
here you go.
And my name's Amanda, if you need anything.
Excuse me.
Hey, what can I get ya? Check it out.
Is that her? Hey, I need two beers.
- Yeah, it's that widow woman from church.
- It's Mrs.
Vaughn.
It's the M.
I.
L.
F.
dad never got to tap in High School.
I want her to serve me.
Fake I.
D.
, moron.
Come on.
We're outta here.
Here you go.
Souvenir for dad.
Lord, have mercy! Wow! Longhorn ball.
Nice.
Don't forget your paycheck.
Night.
Night.
Amanda.
Good.
You came.
Hi, mom.
And you brought a man.
Family, this is Blake's foreman booth.
- Blake's foreman booth, this is family.
- Pleasure, ma'am.
We were just about to ride the Texas star.
- Bye, y'all! Ready? Here we go.
- Come on.
Oh, damn! I look good on you.
Whoo! My clothes, I mean.
Mwah.
Hey, booth.
What's up, man? How's it going on the ranch? Hate to tell you, boss.
There's beavers in the pond.
Hey, I'm-a see you on the dance floor.
All right, beautiful.
Mwah.
Bye, y'all.
- Come on, everybody! - Buck your brains out! Get on up here and buck your brains out! - Who's next? How about you? - Come on! Will! Hi! Mom! Look! Good ridin' there, son.
Thank you.
Will! Honey, you could get hurt doing something like that.
Oh, come on.
The kid's a natural.
You gotta get him in a rodeo.
Oh, please.
I don't think so.
I'm Ripp Cockburn.
Carlene's husband.
I'd heard she'd married a big ol' amarillo oilman.
Mr.
Cockburn lives across the street from us.
Well, he really does favor his daddy, huh? Old Bill pulled some crazy stuff, too, didn't he? You knew my dad? Yeah.
Go get ya a corny dog, son.
Thank you.
So you knew my husband? Sure did.
I'll be seeing you.
Hey.
Hey.
Here's a list of some really good houses for you.
You should take the one I circled.
And I don't blame you if you wanna use another real estate agent, but they'll charge you a fee.
Thank you.
Well, this is the best meat market in the world, and I do not wanna be seen next to you.
You are too spectacular.
Happy hunting'.
Amanda.
Sweet, sweet Amanda.
We are terrified for you.
W oh, my God.
This is awful.
I'm mortified.
I'm a terrible person.
This guy asked for extra dressing, and I forgot.
To work in a place like that Honey, we live in a righteous community.
Oh, yeah.
Fun fact Dallas has more churches per capita than anywhere on earth.
Also, Dallas has more strip clubs per capita than anywhere on earth.
- Two plus two equals - A double standard.
Amanda, now that we have embraced you as a sister, we simply want you to understand that we have a moral code here.
A moral code? Okay.
Well, I wanna know all about it.
Let's discuss it over lunch.
I have an idea, Sharon.
We'll go to Neiman's.
I have a huge credit there.
Is Tuesday okay? Carlene made me do it! Looking good, Amanda.
Let's go get a fried twinkie while they're hot.
- Cricket? - Mm? I hurt you.
I stole Bill from you.
I know that.
What else can I say? I'm sorry, but I guarantee you I won't be stealing Blake.
Baby, they're playing our song.
Come on.
Darling', don't think I'm buying this for one minute.
Excuse me? I saw you kissing Sharon's husband at the car dealership.
Zack kissed me.
I don't want Zack.
Whatever.
Our kids go to the same school, and you parade around in public like this? You are so judgmental.
If memory serves, even Jesus hung out with whores and thieves.
Not in my neighborhood, he didn't.
I get it.
You're threatened.
A long time ago, I was queen bitch around here.
Now you hold the title.
Don't worry, Carlene.
I don't want the title back.
It's yours.
How dare you call me a bitch.
How dare you call yourself a Christian.
Well, if you don't like things around here, maybe you should just go back to where you came from.
What's the point? There is stupidity and hypocrisy everywhere.
It's just a shame I have to live across the street from ground zero.
Well, at least my husband's smart enough to keep both hands on the wheel during orgasm.
Come on, kids.
Where did you come from, big guy? Where do you think? No way.
You did not.
Did.
Mother.
I know I make you crazy.
I know I'm out of control.
I know I push too hard.
But you know that I am not going to stop.
And whether you agree with my methods or not, I did raise you And you are magnificent.
Mama, I love you.
You're as crazy as an outhouse rat But I love you.
By the way, if you're not gonna use this, I feel confident the good lord would like me to have a new fur coat.
God often speaks to me through Christian dior.
Oh, yes.
Unbelievable.
And finally, the youth ministry car wash was a smashing success, raising over $900.
Now does anyone have any announcements, prayer, concerns? Amanda.
Dear lord, today's theme is "count your blessings," and during the service, I've been sitting here counting mine, and I realize how blessed we all are.
We should all be so thankful for our homes, our families, our friends.
Let us also be grateful for your blessing of forgiveness, because we all need to forgive and be forgiven.
Personally I have been blessed with a second chance to start over, to do better in this wonderful community I now call home again.
I'm thankful to have a job At boobylicious.
I'm grateful to my employer, the kitten corp, which is a wholly owned subsidiary of Cockburn unlimited.
God bless Ripp and Carlene Cockburn.
For these and all your gifts, may we be truly thankful and endeavor to walk the good Christian path.
Amen.
I'm thinking I kinda like this church stuff.