Ghosts (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

1 [INSECTS TRILLING.]
[WHEEZING SOFTLY.]
It won't be long now.
At least she's comfortable.
- There's definitely worse ways to go.
- Mm, Amen.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Dysentery was no party.
Shh, I think it is happening.
Ah.
I should sing something to ease her transition.
Or perhaps don't make this all about you.
Amazing grace How sweet the sound.
Who are you? I am the ghost of your great-great-grandmother, Hetty Woodstone.
Hi, I'm Flower.
I wandered over to your property from a music festival in the '60s, and then I tried to befriend a bear.
Drugs were involved.
I am Thorfinn.
Uh I like herring She doesn't need the whole roster.
We are ghosts.
While most spirits pass on to the afterlife, we are the unfortunate few cursed to spend eternity - Oh, and she's gone.
- [DISAPPOINTED GROANS.]
- Oh, good for her.
- So unfair.
She goes up, we stay here.
In Odin's name, why? Yeah, it's a real drag.
Now what's going to happen to the house? This house was my pride and joy.
Now it could get sold to God knows who.
Murderers.
Perverts.
Irishmen.
Well, there's no use milling about up here.
Shall we go mill about downstairs? - May as well.
- Yeah, sure.
I just hope someone interesting moves in, ya know? Like a ballplayer, or an astronaut.
Whose life are you guys hoping to watch next? - Oy.
- Oh, be quiet.
SAMANTHA: Oh, my God, this is the house? JAY: Whoa, so so we just - own this now? What's the catch? - No, no.
There's no catch.
As I explained to your wife on the phone, her relative passed away and left her this estate.
Great-Aunt Sophie.
I think I met her when I was a kid, but I-I thought she died years ago.
No, no, she just passed.
But the good news is, you're her next of kin.
Didn't she have a son? Well, more good news, he actually did die years ago.
- Oh, okay.
- Oh, yeah, that's not, um How much do you think we could sell this place for? Assuming we want to sell.
Uh, yeah, we're not moving into a 300-year-old house in the middle of nowhere, because that would be Right, Sam? Well, it's just we don't know the facts yet.
- Obviously, yes, we're probably going to sell.
- Yeah.
- He thinks I'm a little impulsive.
- Ah, just a smidge.
Well, there are a limited number of buyers for a property this size, right? So, you have your bed and breakfast operators - [GASPS.]
What if we opened a bed and breakfast? - [LAUGHS.]
- Here we go.
- Aren't you sick of the city? No.
We work insane hours to live in a shoebox that we can barely afford, and somebody's offering us a mansion.
Sam, we don't know the first thing about running a B and B.
You're a chef.
That's, like, half of the Bs right there.
Plus, I can write freelance articles from anywhere, so we have income while we're getting up and running.
That is an annoyingly strong argument, you have to admit it.
Okay, let's do this.
We haven't seen the place, so we'll go up there for the weekend, - and then we'll talk about it.
- Yes! Thank you.
- It is a really nice place.
- It is.
And it's ours, for free.
There's gotta be something wrong with it.
Babe, it's so charming.
What could possibly be wrong with it? Okay, so, it's the summer of '98.
My Lehman Brothers boys and I, we scooped a copter to beat the traffic out to the Hamptons, 'cause that's how we roll.
Anyway, we're on a list for this very exclusive shindig at Surf Lodge in Montauk.
Tara Reid's birthday.
- 'Nuff said.
So - Yeah, but, who is Tara Reid? Seriously? She was a movie star.
Oh.
Silent or talkies, sweetheart? Uh, what is a movie again? It's the It's the play that they project on a screen.
We've been through this.
When you say "project" What is "play?"? God, I hate being the most recently dead.
Anyway, yada yada yada, it was a great night.
The end.
Okay.
[WEAK APPLAUSE.]
PETE: Okay, well, thank you, Trevor, for that talk of the day on partying.
No, it was very high-level partying.
You don't get it, so, you know, whatever.
All right, well, tomorrow, of course, is food club, when Thor will be explaining the subtle differences between types of cod.
It will be similar to salmon lecture, - but more cod focused.
- Ooh.
Oh! Oh! It's one of those how you say it's a ship on land.
Landship! Landship! It's not a landship, you nincompoop.
That's a horseless carriage.
Bro, check out that body.
Slammin'.
Indeed.
He'd have made a fine militiaman.
Holy crap.
Beats the hell out of our fifth-floor walkup, huh? Okay, yeah, it's impressive, but can you reach the fridge from your bed? - I think not.
- This air is so clean.
And that guy at the gas station in town - What was his name, Carl? - Yeah.
He was folksy, right? I mean, he did call me a woman for wearing a video game shirt, which doesn't make any sense, but, yeah, Carl had a certain charm.
ISAAC: They're coming in.
- Let's go.
- Whoa! Ah, geez, not again.
Wait! [EXHALES.]
Wow.
Okay, this is huge.
And it's all ours.
I got to admit, it would be nice to have a little bit of space.
Exactly.
New York is full of people.
We're never alone.
This must be them.
The new folks that own the house.
Can you believe this place has been in my family for six generations? She's a relative of yours, Hetty.
Well, I should hope not, with her exposed knees and that saucy hairdo.
- Wow.
- SASAPPIS: At least it's just the two of them.
There's still plenty of room for us.
ISAAC: Yes.
Yes.
Two people is manageable.
Limited commotion.
No old lady bedridden while disease eats away at her, but we knew those good times couldn't last forever.
PETE: You know, a young couple could be really fun to watch.
- Oh, hell yeah, they would.
- Okay, Trevor.
Before I forget - What is that? - Whoa, whoa.
- What are you doing? - This is sage.
- I'm cleansing the space.
- JAY: Oh, come on.
Babe, this is Old House 101.
You light this stuff, and it wards off evil spirits.
- [ALL GASP.]
- What did she say? Does that work? Do you really believe in that? Better safe than sorry.
- [SNIFFS.]
It's actually delightful.
- Oh.
- Yeah, it's divine.
- Oh, lemme hit that.
- I would enjoy a - Is that sage or is that her? - Reminds me of torched village.
- Okay, people, people.
There is enough spirit repellant for all of us.
Jay, we have a library.
- This place is, like, old school rich.
- I know.
I did a little research.
Apparently, my ancestors who lived here were actual robber barons.
Like, cartoon evil, slept-on-a-bed-of-gold types.
I mean, we did that once.
Okay, they actually seem really nice.
They remind me of this couple I was married to when I was on the commune.
And a little of this couple I was married to when I was in the cult.
Honestly, it's, like, way more beat up than in any of the pictures.
Excuse me? It could use a little TLC, but we can fix it up.
Boy, she is really "can do.
" I am rooting for these kids.
I cannot help it.
I'm telling you, babe, this place is going to make an amazing hotel.
[GHOSTS GASP.]
What is "hotel"? I'll tell you what a hotel is.
A hotel is our worst nightmare.
Every room in this house filled with people coming and going.
Sleeping in our beds Libertines! And you don't even want to know about the clutter, Thorfinn, my fastidious Viking friend.
Ooh! [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Why?! Why?! Trash can right there.
[GRUNTS.]
No! [SHUDDERS.]
I hate getting walked through.
It's probably the worst pain I can think of.
No, wait, arrow through the neck.
That beats it.
Okay, new plan: kill them! Uh, we can't kill them.
- Yeah, that's not nice.
- ALBERTA: No, I mean we don't have the ability.
Can't pick up a gun, can't put their feet in cement and drop them off a country bridge.
[CHUCKLES.]
I went with a bootlegger for a spell.
You hear things.
Plus, even if we could physically grapple them, that husband fellow would overpower us.
I mean, have you seen his shoulders and that V-shaped back? In summary, we must do something.
Wait, what why don't we just try haunting? We scare them away.
We're ghosts! - Ooh.
- FLOWER: Whoa! Yeah! It's a good plan, right? Oh, no, sorry, I was just seeing some major trails.
What are we talking about? This plan of Trevor's fills me with discomfort.
The line between the living and ourselves is one we should respect.
- Who are we to [CRIES OUT.]
- [GHOSTS GROANING.]
Found my jacket! [ALL CLAMORING.]
- [CRIES OUT.]
- [GHOSTS EXCLAIM.]
[PANTING.]
All right, let's haunt these bastards out of here.
[CHEERING.]
JAY: Hey, Boo-Boo.
- The water from the tap was disgusting.
- Oh.
So, I went to the gas station and I got us some coffee.
- Aw, thank you.
- Yeah.
Carl says hi, and he called me a snowflake for wearing flip-flops.
- Classic Carl.
- Yeah.
Okay, gun to your head: Canary Yellow or Lavender Mist? Oh, okay, we're putting up paint.
Nice.
Haven't decided if we're staying but we're putting up paint.
You know what? I-I think we should just knock the whole wall down while we're at it.
Do you think it's load-bearing? What? What is this? What are you doing? Do you even know what sound you're listening for? Not sure, but it makes me feel like Joanna Gaines, and I'm not mad at that.
- Ooh.
- Wanna come be my Chip, big boy? Um, yes please.
Wait a minute, why do we only role-play couples from HGTV? - Please don't kink shame me.
- [BIRD COOING.]
JAY: Oh, it's adorable.
There's a bird in our room, because of course there is.
Okay, you're right, this place needs a little bit of work.
- Here he comes! - Hit the deck! Now, let's take inventory of the skills at our disposal.
Thor, as we all know, is able to do that thing with the electrics because he was struck by lightning.
[STRAINING.]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I am powerful.
- Oh, Isaac, what about your thing? - Yes, yes, yes.
Oh, yes, no, I don't know to what it is you refer.
Okay You died of dysentery.
Yeah, it smells like a fart when the living walk through you.
[LAUGHTER.]
It's nasty.
- You stink, you stink.
- It's not pleasant.
[FAKE LAUGHS.]
Okay.
I get it.
We all get it.
And trust me, you don't need to be so harsh in your condemnations.
It is far worse for me than it is for thee.
Okay, moving on.
What else? Well, I was thinking since Alberta was a singer in life and can project her humming into the world of the living, what if we had her hum the song from the movie Ghost to scare them? Huh? Kinda thematic, right? You know we don't know what that is, Pete.
Oh, right, the movie thing.
Welcome to my hell.
You guys would actually love it.
There was this amazing scene where the main girl was making pottery We don't have time for this.
And then this hunky, shirtless guy comes in Well, we do have some time.
The haunting isn't imminent.
Go on.
It's fine.
I get it.
I'll hum something scary.
Oh, Trevor has to do his amazing thing.
That must be the topper.
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE.]
Yeah.
Do it! You're very kind.
ALBERTA: Come on, Trev.
- Oh, sorry, hold on, it's just - You got it, you got it.
- Focus.
Focus, focus.
- You got it.
[STRAINING.]
[CHEERING.]
- Yo, T-money did it! - Scary! Oh, it's good! Troops, I believe we are ready.
Tonight, get your sleep, for tomorrow we strike! - [CHEERING.]
- Yes! [CHOKES.]
[PAINED SHOUTING.]
The hot water's not working! Okay, people, he's coming out.
Man your posts.
Good luck, everybody.
And have fun! The hot water's out again.
SAMANTHA: One second! And go, Thor! [STRAINING.]
What the Come on.
[STRAINING.]
[SHOUTS, GROANS.]
Ah.
Man down! Alberta, you're up.
Trevor, you're on deck.
You know, it kinda feels like I'm opening for Trevor.
Now, I don't need to headline this haunting, but - Not now! - Ugh, okay.
Fine.
[HUMMING.]
[HUMMING.]
- [POP MUSIC DROWNS OUT HUMMING.]
- I got the stereo working.
- Cool.
- Go on.
[WHIMPERS.]
[GAGGING.]
- [SNIFFING.]
- Ugh, babe.
Nice try, that was you.
Are you on a juice cleanse? Close it out, Trevor.
You're our only hope.
Okay, you can't blame the other person when there's only one other person.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
[CRYING OUT.]
You know I couldn't produce that if I tried.
- [CRYING OUT.]
- Come on, man! Bring the fortitude.
That is disgusting.
Oh, come on, you gaslighter.
- [TREVOR STRAINING.]
- JAY: You got a cute butt, but it's got a foul mouth.
[PANTING.]
Huh.
Haunting is hard.
Ooh, that is rank.
- Shut up.
- All right.
Babe? What are you doing? I'm gonna fix the water heater.
It's probably just the gas, right? This has got to be simple, just turn the pilot on? SAMANTHA: This place is so creepy.
Much better.
- Who are these guys? - I don't know.
Jay, that looks kinda ancient.
Maybe we should just call a professional.
No, no.
We're not dumping a bunch of money into this house.
Plus, I want to take a shower now.
Counterclockwise.
Okay, it's just I don't think you know what you're doing.
[LOUD SQUEAK.]
- Uh-oh.
- That's not good.
- That should do it.
- That won't do it.
- Think I got it.
- He didn't.
At least they left the light on.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [GHOSTS GROAN.]
- Damn it.
[STRAINING.]
- Trevor? - God.
What-what are you doing? The livings aren't even here.
No, I know, I know.
This isn't for them.
This is between T-Money and the vahse.
It's personal.
I've always said vayse.
- Can you please - Sorry.
Aw! Still freezing.
Okay, well, the good news is we're going back to New York this afternoon anyway, so we can just fix it when we come back.
You mean if we come back.
Okay, we're having this conversation.
Sam, um I'm just gonna come out and say it, okay? [MUTTERS UNINTELLIGIBLY.]
- Pardon? - [MUTTERS UNINTELLIGIBLY.]
- I didn't hear you.
- I don't want to move here.
- [GHOSTS GASP.]
- Well, this just got interesting.
Very interesting.
Like finding new type of cod interesting.
- [STRAINING.]
- Come on.
- Okay, a little too close.
- Sure.
Okay.
Oh, that was I was That was gonna be it.
- That was gonna be it.
Really.
- I know.
I felt that.
That was so close.
I came up here with an open mind, for sure, but this whole bed and breakfast idea I mean, come on.
Do we really want to leave New York? Jay, I love you, but you know that you - get a bit scared of change.
- Mm.
But it's okay to try something different.
- Yes, I agree and I'm willing to try something different - Yes.
Below 14th Street.
[LAUGHS.]
He's cute Funny! I don't know what it is but I-I feel a connection to this place.
I could see a future here, us raising a family.
I want all that, babe, but-but, we're in way over our heads.
This place is falling apart.
It is kind of a dump.
Oh, shut up.
[STRAINING.]
[LAUGHING, CHEERING.]
We did it! [LAUGHING.]
So, that's it? We just do what you want? - If we're both gonna be making some big crazy move - Mm-hmm.
then-then we should at least both be able to agree on it.
Fine! But you know what, Jay? Sometimes you gotta just do something a little bold, ya know? Put some Canary Yellow up and get out of your neutral-palette mindset.
What? What are you What was that? Neutrals go with everything.
Haven't you learned anything from Love It or List It? Well, I don't know what any of those words mean, but I know that he won't be laying with her for several moons! [LAUGHS.]
That was amazing.
You're incredible.
Whoa, whoa, watch out! [GASPS.]
[GRUNTING.]
- Bro, that's not good.
- JAY: Sam? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Sam, hey! [AUDIO DISTORTED.]
: Sam.
Sam! Oh, my God.
Sam! [JAY'S VOICE FADES.]
Murderer.
Okay, again, I didn't mean for her to trip and fall.
You have to believe me, I would never intentionally hurt anyone that hot.
[GROANS.]
Aw, husband guy looks so sad.
I remember when I died.
Ira looked so scared.
Because he didn't want to lose me.
And also because he was trying to get away from the bear.
Could you imagine if she doesn't make it? What a terrible last memory for him.
Ending things in an argument.
Carol and I argued the last time we spoke.
It's funny, it felt like such a big deal at the time, and now I can't even tell you what it was we were arguing about.
PETE: You never think, when you close that door behind you, that that'll be the last time you walk through that door.
But then I had my accident, and I realized I'm never gonna see my wife again.
I'm never gonna get to speak to her, to hold her, to tell her how much I love her.
Oh, wait! I remember what we were fighting about.
She ate all the donut holes, and she doesn't even like donut holes.
It was just to spite me.
Which was just like her, that selfish so-and-so.
[GASPS.]
Pete.
[EXHALES.]
Uh, the point is life is precious.
What is donut hole? It's just a round donut It's what's miss It doesn't matter.
It's a tough loss.
- [TOILET FLUSHES.]
- What's wrong? The Knicks blew a ten-point lead to the Nuggets.
Damn it.
Well, I hope you were at least this upset when I was technically dead for three minutes.
Let's get you home.
- Go slow.
- Okay.
Home awaiting In the sky Oh, in the sky.
Thank you, Alberta.
I don't know how many times we've heard that song.
- 487.
- But it gets better every time.
Landship! Landship! - FLOWER: - The livings, man! They're back.
[GASPS.]
Oh, she's alive.
Oh, thank God.
Wait, is there any scarring? How's the punim? I thought we were going home.
Yeah, I just wanted to swing by the house real quick and show you something.
So, while you were sleeping for two weeks - Coma.
- Coma.
I had a contractor come in just to give us an estimate on what needs to be done.
And guess what.
It's way more than I could have ever imagined.
It's like a new foundation, it's new floors Jay, it's fine.
You know, I'm okay with selling the place.
I had some time to think, and you were right.
I think the whole bed and breakfast idea - was probably crazy.
- Well, then, call me crazy, 'cause we're doing it.
MAN: Hey, Mikey, how you doing? What's going on? That's the contractor.
If we're gonna make a go of this, we're gonna need some help.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- We're staying?! - We're doubling down, baby! I maxed out the credit cards, I cashed in the IRA, despite the very vocal objections of my father.
News flash: we're deeply in debt.
If this bed and breakfast fails, we're really screwed.
I don't understand.
What happened? Almost losing you made me realize that I don't care where we live, because as long as I'm with you, I'm home.
Was it corny? Did it sound corny? I'm not gonna lie, I practiced it.
It was so corny.
Show me the house! Aw, they made up.
I'm very glad Samantha is okay.
Me, too.
Wait.
Who are these other people? FLOWER: It looks like a construction crew.
O'Malley.
MAN: Electricians, check the main panel.
- Look out for loose wirings.
- MAN 2: Got it.
Roofers, be careful up there.
Harness required, and make sure you know where you're dropping the tiles.
MAN 3: - On it! Oh, you're dressed kind of nice for a construction worker.
JAY: Hey.
Hey, babe.
Come with me, there's one more thing - I want to show you.
- SAMANTHA: Oh.
Got a surprise.
Come on.
Hey, hey, easy.
So that's it, then.
They're going through with this hotel situation.
- We'll be overrun.
- The clutter! Okay, yes, the hotel will be a nightmare, but gosh darn it, I did miss those crazy kids.
She talked to me! She talked to me! She talked to me.
And I think she kinda hit on me, I'm not entirely sure, but there was definitely a spark.
But she talked to me! Good God.
PETE: Please, lower your hands.
And baa-dow.
Uh-uh, what is that? That is the Canary Yellow you wanted.
- You painted the room.
- I know, I know.
You know, I wasn't sure about it at first, but it's growing on me.
- What the hell? - Yeah, yeah, you're right.
It's a lot of yellow.
Oh, you know what we could do? We could put up a muted accent wall.
This can't be real.
Okay, you're not loving it.
It's no big deal.
It's just paint.
Oh, my God.
What are you looking at? - I think you're right.
She can see us.
- Uh-huh.
Who are you? Uh, hi, I'm Jay, I'm your husband.
- Do you need to lie down? - I can explain.
We are ghosts, those poor spirits who dwell on, compelled for reasons unknown to [SCREAMS.]
[BIRD CAWING.]
[SIGHS.]
[SOFT CLATTERING.]
[GASPS.]
[SIGHS.]
: Ah.
Hello! [BOTH SCREAMING.]
[GRUNTS.]
- Well? - Yup, she can still see us.
Yes! Also, she's apparently a little cranky before she's had her coffee.
Troops, never before have we possessed the ability to communicate with a Living.
We are in uncharted waters.
Those are worst type of waters, unless, of course, you find cod.
ISAAC: This opens up intriguing possibilities to get them to leave.
Namely: Diplomacy.
Thankfully, you're looking at the man who negotiated an end to the Siege of Fort Ticonderoga.
You surrendered unconditionally to the British.
But we lived to fight another day.
You died of dysentery two weeks later.
Did I? Thank you.
Thank you.
Point is: I'm good at talking.
Don't talk to enemy, destroy them.
Then toast their deaths with horns full of mead! Okay, that boy has some serious anger issues.
Why do we have to make the Livings leave? It just seems like such a bummer.
Because, they're planning on turning my beloved Woodstone Mansion into a hotel, that's why.
We'll be overrun! Exactly! We can't let these invaders take our land.
Do you hear it? At all? Do you hear the words that you're saying? PETE: You know, we don't have to talk her into leaving or destroy anyone.
We could just befriend her and ask her not to open the hotel.
So, no hotel, but the hot chick stays? I like that plan.
Yeah, could be useful to have a Living that we can talk to.
Ooh, I can get her to look into the details surrounding my mysterious death.
Oh, please.
You had a heart attack.
- Which was likely brought on by poisoning.
- Okay.
My death, like my life, was spectacular.
Had to be! No way I went out from something boring like a busted ticker.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
My doc was pretty worried about my blood pressure.
Luckily, didn't turn out to be a problem.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, what happened? There's an arr we've been through this.
- Jay! Where were you? - I was in the attic.
- Are you okay? - Jay, they're back.
I woke up, - and one was in the bathroom - Whoa, whoa, okay, okay.
These are just residual effects from your accident.
- What happened? - I ran into the door when I tried to attack him with a toilet brush.
Um, is that like to ghosts what wooden stakes are to vampires? It was the only thing handy! Please don't make fun of me.
I really saw one.
Okay, okay.
Um, have you seen one since you hit your head? No.
Do you think somehow hitting my head the second time cured me? I mean, if you haven't seen one since you hit your head, - you're probably out of the woods.
- Oh, my God.
They're back! They're here.
They're all behind you.
Hello! Sorry about before.
I don't see anybody.
I would like to formally open negotiations to discuss - your withdrawal from Woodstone Mansion.
- Hear, hear.
There's a hippie and a Viking.
- Be gone! - Peace! And a guy dressed like Hamilton.
Hamilton? How do you know about Hamilton? One of them's not wearing any pants.
- Oh, yeah? You like that? - Hi.
Alberta.
Can you help me find out who murdered me? Hey, babe, remember what the doctor said.
You-you might experience some visual disturbances.
[GASPING.]
: I'm sorry.
Y you're talking about Alexander Hamilton? Did that little twerp become famous? - Wait.
Isn't that the guy on the ten-dollar bill? - The what? They seem really real.
- Well, of course we're real! - We're right here.
- He's on paper currency? - THORFINN: You're hearing us! Okay, but what do you think is more likely? Do you think you're seeing ghosts, or do you think you're suffering symptoms of a severe concussion? ALL: Ghosts.
Yeah.
Obviously.
Concussion.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
- No! They're all in your head.
You just ignore them, and they'll go away.
- Ignore us? - Well, that's rude.
You go get some rest because your man is taking care of business.
- Do you know how that works? - Mm Oh.
No.
No, I do not.
- But the Internet does.
- The Internet? It's an invention for looking up stock prices and porn.
I'm gonna let the contractors handle the big things.
But you know what? Papa Bear's gonna save some money where I can, because we're not all Mr.
Moneybags here, am I right? [GASPS.]
From where did you find this awful painting of my philandering husband? Oh, yeah, Elias.
I remember when he sat for that painting.
- And then when he slept with the artist.
- Yeah.
Okay, I guess I'll just go lie down.
You're gonna be better in no time.
The bones have spoken, and they foresee your doom! Right.
Thanks.
[DRILL WHIRRING.]
[ALL EXCLAIMING.]
[GROANS.]
What are you doing in my room? - Oh, yeah, this is gonna make a dope man cave.
- What? A cave of men? What does that even mean? [DRILL WHIRRING.]
[BOTH GASP.]
Oh, no.
What are what are you what are you doing? Oh, hey, Hetty.
This is fun.
[GASPS.]
This is not fun.
This horrible man has destroyed the sanctity of our rooms.
Oh, it's like we're roommates.
- You got this.
- [DRILL WHIRS.]
- Oh.
- Oh! - Crap.
- Are you mad? You've made it even bigger! No, no, no, don't walk away! Yay! Hey, who's your favorite boy ghost? I'd say Thor, but he really scares me, - but I kind of like that.
- You know what? No.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
ISAAC: This Jay fellow has ruined our ability to communicate with Samantha by convincing her that we are not real! Which is a serious setback.
In the face of which, a lesser leader might give up.
Like, for instance oh, I don't know Hamilton.
- Dude is obsessed.
- Mm.
He was a terrible commander.
He was all about himself! Whereas I I was known for making men under me happy.
How are we supposed to befriend Sam, or "drive her from the land," yeah, yeah, if she's just ignoring us? Enemy's not supposed to ignore.
It hurts feelings.
We don't let her ignore us.
We do the same thing I did in '98 when Lizzie Grubman told me the list was closed for Diddy's White Party.
We keep bugging her! - What kind of party? - What is "Diddy"? It's a jaunty little song.
The references are not important! The point is, we don't give up.
We keep bugging her.
Now is when we double down! So simple, yet so brilliant.
- Thank you.
- We don't allow her to ignore us.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Yes.
- Yes, we will pester her in the kitchen.
- [OTHERS AGREEING.]
And we will annoy her in the living room.
- Yeah! - My idea.
We will make her life a living hell so she has no choice but to finally acknowledge us! Yes! Yes! And then we drive them from this land! - Yes! - Or have a nice, friendly chat! - That one.
You do that one.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
She will rue the day! Chop their legs off, hang them from trees! - Roll it back.
It's too much! - You're making it weird.
PETE: Hi there! Hello? All right, I know you're actively ignoring us, but that's okay.
I was married for 16 years, so I get it.
[LAUGHS.]
Ah.
Oh, you looked at me.
She looked at me! Ooh, it's working.
Aah! Death to our enemies! Is it getting any better? Um Now who would want me dead? I was a beloved jazz singer.
- Not really.
- [YAWNS.]
: I'm sorry, sweetie.
I'm sure it'll be better tomorrow.
Okay, there was one person.
She thought I was having an affair with her husband.
[LAUGHS.]
I was sleeping with him, but she didn't know that, so in a way, I kind of wasn't as far as she knew.
FLOWER: So then the bear raised his arms to attack me, but the shrooms were kicking in, and I thought he just wanted a hug.
You know, how everyone talks about bear hugs? They're not talking about hugs from actual bears.
Can you please stop talking? I'm trying to sleep.
Oh, yeah.
No, totally.
Yeah, no, I'm so tired, too.
Why do we sleep? - I don't know.
- When I was at Woodstock, I didn't sleep at all, 'cause I didn't want to miss anything, especially the Grateful Dead.
I was a huge "Deadhead," which was ironic, because I wasn't even dead at the time.
I don't care.
[GASPS.]
Look, I get it.
Who wants to think they're seeing ghosts? It's scary.
You know what's scarier? Eternity.
So, I find ways to break it up, create some drama.
Like yesterday, I told Alberta that Hetty said she didn't like her hat.
Now, did Hetty really say that? Well, I will take that answer to my grave, which will never come.
Which is why I have to do this kind of stuff.
Oh, hi there.
I'm Steve.
Unbelievable.
Jay, there's another one! He's a big guy with a greasy beard.
- Hey.
- JAY: Hey, babe.
Have you met Steve? - Here you go.
- Wait.
You can see him? W what's happening? Sam, Steve! He's here to help us with the cable.
Who is this man? Another invader? Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry, Steve.
I haven't been sleeping well.
It's great to meet you.
Um, that should about do it.
I went ahead - and gave you three months of the sports package.
- Cool.
He too shall feel our wrath.
Shut up, uh About that sports package, Steve.
What a deal! Yeah.
R right? I'm-I'm I'm gonna test her out.
[CHEERING.]
ANNOUNCER: The Vikings were known for their prowess on the battlefield, often overpowering What is this magical window? Hello! Oh, okay.
Well, I'm down for a stroll.
[LAUGHS.]
Where we headed? On behalf of my fellow ghosts, - I'd just like to welcome you to - You're not real.
I mean, I'm not technically alive, but I am real.
No, you're not.
- You're answering me.
- No, I'm not.
Okay, I thought of a couple other people who may have wanted me dead.
Any chance you could hop the train down to Memphis - and knock on some doors? - Hey, am I crazy, - or is there chemistry here? - This isn't happening! I know.
I didn't expect this, either.
ISAAC: Okay, so this machine truly has access to the entire breadth of human knowledge? Yeah, pretty much.
Okay, I need you to look up "Alexander Hamilton" on this.
[LAUGHS.]
Do you know how long it would take me to type all those letters? - I must know what he went on to do.
- [SCOFFS.]
He haunts me, and I'm a damn ghost.
- [SNIFFLES.]
- Okay, buddy, stand back.
Let me work my magic.
[RHYTHMIC EXHALING.]
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
My God, the pageantry.
- Do you want this, or not? - Yes.
No, I do.
- Shh! - I I like it.
- Ah - Come on! Come on! You've got it! You've got it! Ah And - Ah! - [LAUGHS.]
Mm-mm.
Mm-mm.
- Oh, amazing.
Okay, next letter.
Next letter! - Oh Mmm.
Thor can smell the salty brine.
- There's my toolbox.
- ANNOUNCER: The preparation for the cod hunt was a ritual of great importance - in Viking society.
- Look at you.
Come on! Electricity! Oh, by the loins of Freya, why? Small man?! [WATER DRIPPING.]
Well, if it isn't "Mr.
Fix It.
" - Why has he got a hammer? - Who knows? - Okay.
- Oh, no, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, you fool! - What are you doing? - Is he crazy, man? Stop it! Just stop it! God, I know we're dead, but he's trying to kill us.
"Psychotic breaks.
" - Okay, that's me.
- HETTY: A moment of your time.
- That's also me.
- You must repair my wall.
I cannot spend another night listening to that bohemian blather away.
I won't do it! Bring back my people to the thing the sorcerer's window! You are a strong, sane woman.
You are a strong, sane woman! Hey, big head.
I don't want you anyway.
See? Say something negative, get 'em off balance.
Oh, I don't know why I didn't start with this.
"Depression, difficulty concentrating" JAY: Babe, can you please bring me my screwdriver? Sure thing.
- She moves! - Do not walk away from me! She can't move too fast with those slightly-too-large ankles! This is genius.
- You cannot escape us! - [GASPS.]
Oh! No way I'm going down there.
No, no, they they are terrifying.
Jay, I think there's something very wrong Oh, my God! - What? - What do you mean, "what?" There's a bunch of zombies down here.
Zombies? Zombies aren't real.
We are ghosts.
We all died of cholera.
It wasn't great.
Babe, I think you really just need some more rest.
We are way past rest.
We need to go to a hospital now.
Okay.
Well, I'll drive you.
Red valve.
Tell him [LOUD, OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
Please turn the red valve! Can you turn the red valve? - What? - Can you just turn the red valve? It it's kind of urgent, if you like the house.
- MAN: There you go! - WOMAN: Yes.
How did you know about the red? Can we get the hell out of here, please? - Okay.
- No.
Wait.
Don't do that.
Oh, come on Oh.
Nuts.
I'm just saying, it's been three days, and I'm not feeling any better, so I'm starting to freak out.
Well, I have to be honest.
I don't think this will get better.
- What? - It seems as if your accident left you so close to death, that you somehow obtained the ability to actually see dead people.
[LAUGHS.]
That can't be possible It is quite rare, but I've seen it before.
The last time was around 85 years ago.
Wait.
How how old are you? Well, I was about 50 when I died.
Now, sorry about that.
I'll let you visit with your living doctor.
- What seems to be troubling you? - [GASPS.]
She's excellent, by the way.
THORFINN [LAUGHING.]
: This is amazing.
The plan's working! Working? Thor, she ran off screaming.
We've driven her insane.
Oh, what does it matter? Nothing matters.
- What's up with soldier boy? - Isaac had me look up "Alexander Hamilton" on Jay's computer.
His list of accomplishments was even grander than I could have imagined.
And then we looked up Isaac.
" graduated Dartmouth, died of dysentery.
" That's it? That's all it says?! I was mentioned in but one academic journal, in a footnote.
I'm literally a footnote in history! Well, Dartmouth is very good.
[COUGHING.]
: Safety school.
My life meant nothing.
Whereas my rival is known to this day.
There was even a musical about him! You're really fixated on that musical thing.
Well, this might come as a shock to you, - since you see me as this tough military type - Mm.
but musical theater is actually a passion of mine.
Hmm.
I'm just saying, maybe we should have just stuck around for a little while heard her out.
Maybe done the MRI? There's no point.
They're not gonna find anything, because I now know there's nothing wrong with me! Okay, but the doctor said That was the living doctor! Of course she thinks I'm delusional.
She's not trained for this.
But the ghost doctor Okay, that's where you start to lose me.
If the ghosts were all in my head, I'd be seeing the same ones at the hospital as I do back at the house, but they're not.
I see different ones in different places.
Like that guy.
Hey, bud.
What guy? I know it's not great news, but at least I'm not crazy.
No, no, Jay, look out! [TIRES SCREECH.]
Phew.
They were already dead.
- Sorry.
- What?! - Just drive.
- I can't.
I can't.
I I Listen, I know this is a lot, but I'm with you.
No matter what, in sickness and in health.
Okay? Because I love you.
- Aw.
He's a keeper.
- [GASPS.]
- Hold that thought.
- What was that? Sam? - Sam? - Sam? Sam? Hold on.
Hold up, Sam! Sam, was there one in the car? Sam, was there one in the car? - [DOOR OPENS.]
- PETE: She's coming.
Here she comes! Ooh! Okay, fine.
I see all of you, I admit your existence.
Happy? - Well, I mean, what is happy? - It's a good step, babe.
Great.
But this is our house now.
We inherited it, so, it is time for you all to leave.
It has been nice to meet you, thank you, but you can go haunt someone else now.
[LAUGHTER.]
She's funny, too.
That's great.
ALBERTA: Girl, we can't leave.
Yeah, you just sort of stay where you die.
And how you die.
It's your classic haunted house.
So, it seems it's the two of you who should leave, thank you kindly.
Well, that's not happening.
We've already sunk all our money into this place.
Plus, I see dead people wherever I go, so leaving doesn't even help me.
Okay, I'm back to freaked out again.
Babe, just a second.
It seems like we're stuck with each other.
But it is not going to go on like this, with all of you up in my face all of the time.
So, what is it going to take for you to leave me alone, huh? What do you want? You! Viking guy, what do you want? I want to see my people in the magic box once a day! - What? - He wants to watch a show about Vikings on TV.
- Fine.
- Yes! You, Wolf of Wall Street, what do you want? Leave him, kill yourself, become a ghost and get with me.
But let's keep it casual.
- Gross.
- What'd he say? You.
I heard you mention you were a writer.
I'd like you to pen my biography, so that history may know my name.
Now that is actually quite interesting.
And then take that book, and adapt it into an award-winning Broadway musical.
I want you to invite the descendants of the ten most likely suspects of my murder to a dinner party.
Find out who did it, and exact revenge.
[LAUGHS.]
No.
- Uh, you, Woodstock what do you want? - Woodstock? Uh, I'm easy.
Just world peace.
And an end to bear attacks? Sure.
You? Downton Abbey? Take down that painting of my awful husband, and patch up the hole your awful husband put in my wall.
He's not awful when you get to know him.
- Wait a minute.
- You, next.
I'd like the entire Hudson Valley returned to the Lenape.
Barring that, maybe keep the radio on in the afternoons? - Mm, excellent idea.
- That's a good one.
- Yes! - We could use some beats in here.
- Oh, I'd love to dance.
- ALBERTA: Play my album, Bonsoir.
- That would be fun.
- Okay, so that is everybody.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh, what about you? I just wanted to say hi and welcome.
- Hi.
- Welcome! [LAUGHS.]
Wow.
So, everybody feeling good? I'm pretty far from good.
Ah, my husband still thinks I'm nuts.
You know what? Follow me.
SAMANTHA: Okay, now ignite the flame, and release the gas knob slowly.
[CLICKING.]
Okay.
Now hit it twice on the side, right there.
- Hit it? - Seriously.
Okay, now turn the gas knob on, and you'll hear a "whoomph.
" Nothing.
Actually, a little past "on.
" The calibration's off.
It's been wonky for the last 40 years or so.
- [WHOOSH.]
- Whoa.
Whoa.
See? How else would I know any of this? Okay.
Well, I guess I believe you.
And thank you.
They say, "You're welcome.
" "They"? There's two of them? Yup.
Are we done here? SAMANTHA: Oh.
- All taken care of? - Yup.
Yup, covered the hole right up.
This is not the solution.
This is worse! I demand you remedy this posthaste! If you're here, you're welcome.
- Are you starting a new article? - Toying around - with a book idea, actually.
- Ooh.
Mm-mm-mm.
More writey-writey, less talky-talky.
Now, where was I? - You were telling me about your wife.
- Huh? Oh, no.
No, not you.
It's a it's a ghost thing.
All right.
Well, uh, have fun.
ISAAC: Ah, yes, Beatrice.
She was a handsome woman.
We slept in separate bedrooms, to keep the flame of our passion burning bright.
Now, let's talk military service.
I was a beloved commander, though I was known for riding my men hard.