Gimme Gimme Gimme (1999) s01e01 Episode Script

Gimme gimme gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme gimme gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer ♪
SONGBIRDS TWITTER
GENTLE SNORING
LOUD WHIRR
WHIRR CONTINUES
My lovely Liam.
My lovely Liam.
My lovely Liam!
My VILE Patsy.
My eyes! Oh.
WHIRR CONTINUES
God!
DISTANT WHIRR
LOUD WHIRR
Oi. Oi, oi, oi, oi!
Oi, oi, oi, oi, OI!
- Were we making a noise last night?
- Why? Gonna apologise?
- No. I just can't remember.
- Ambient trip-hop I can put up with -
- but your Acker Bilk made me sick.
- Tom pulled. A bloke's in me lounge.
- Is he nice and menacing?
- Dunno. Only seen him from the back.
What you doing that for?
- I - take a pride in my dwellings.
The bottom flat's empty. It's only
me and you. Are YOU green-fingered?
Huh - I'd rather not say(!)
I need fags.
- There's two in your flat at the
moment, isn't there? - Ha-bloody-ha(!)
HEDGE TRIMMER WHIRRS
MAN COUGHS
WOLF-WHISTLES
Lesbian!
- Oh! - Feel as bad as I do?
- Don't speak to me in public!
- You've got a spot! - No-o!
- Seeing how I'd suit a blonde streak
like Ginger Spice. - God rest her.
- What'd you come for? Milk? - Yes.
OK.
- Some lesbian just tried to get hold
of me. - What, again? - On my life!
Like flies round shit.
Well, bees round honey.
Woops! Lesbo alert!
Pretend to be my husband.
- Look, it's little Soltana. OK,
Solt? - Yeah. - Do you MIND?! - Watch it!
Don't you dare hit!
Don't you dare hit!
Not the face!
- How's your mother, Solt? OK? - Yeah.
- Good I was at borstal with her.
- Really. - Here's my husband, Tom. - I'm
not your husband. - Ain't he naughty?
BLEEPING
You got something in your eye,
Solt? Your little magic eye?
- I was doing a cabbage earlier.
- They're marvellous,
them little magic eyes.
Surprised to see you here leaving
the trade indoors. Or he's got off?
- Trade(?) - Gay tart in boxers
farting about my living room.
- Bugger-all to do with ME.
- He wasn't sorting MY plumbing.
- I've never seen him before!
- Hurry up, Solt! - You honestly
know nothing about him?
What if he's broken in?
- In his Calvins? Do me a favour.
- Well, he had a very nice back.
Mmm. And an arse
like two eggs in a hankie.
- What did we get up to last night?
- I've no idea.
WOLF-WHISTLES
I shouldn't have run like that.
(Wait, wait, wait! WAIT!)
- Could we have FIVE minutes
to think this through?! - Look!
There's a bloke in there.
ONE of us must've slept with him.
- How did we get home? - Taxi. - Oh, you
remember(?) - No. We always get taxis.
Ugh! The taxi driver!
You've paid in kind!
- POOR MAN! ..Here's what I remember.
I wore my velour-look combat slacks
and Baby Spice pumps - Oh, shut up.
We drank to your new agent for your
crap acting, and my new evening job.
What are YOU looking at?
I'm just pruning my bush, dear.
- (Oh, shut up.)
- We must've met him in the club.
- What am I on about? He's gotta be
yours. - Why? - It was a gay club.
Ah-ah!
Gay-FRIENDLY. There's a difference.
- So some of them blokes last night
was STRAIGHT? - Yes.
- You BASTARD. Why didn't you say?
Some of 'em were gorgeous.
- So that man could be Arthur
or Martha.
- What d'you want? - If you want
the advice of an ex-prostitute
- Well, we don't.
- Check the bedrooms for evidence.
Oh!
I bet there's LOADS in mine.
Miss Marple would have a field day.
"These knickers have been
ripped off in the heat of passion.
I spy LURVE on the sheets"
She'd conclude that Suspect A is
far better-looking than Suspect B.
Stands to reason - he's mine.
- I - look like the back end of a bus(?)
If buses mince.
Bugger!
(Let it be me, let it be me!)
One two three
Oh-h
Pooh!
Oh. Oh-h!
- Oh. - Well, there we go.
Proves my point, doesn't it?
Had to be gay.
No straight man would leave a place
this spotless.
Probably a quiche in the oven.
- Where is he? - Here
He's having a dump, ain't he!
- He's in our toilet having a dump.
- Is he? - Yeah, come on.
Hello-o. It's Linda LeHughes here.
The ginger Jerry Hall
- Are you OK in there?
- Ain't he quiet?! - Mmm.
Ain't you quiet?!
I'M quiet when I'm on the lav.
I've got the functions of an angel.
Maybe he's shy.
- Or, no - maybe he's deaf.
- I can do sign language.
That's "a pint of lager".
I am fantastic
with the physically challenged.
Ye-es. I wonder why(?)
ARE YOU DEAF?
- Maybe it's unlocked. - Gerroff!
How would you like it
if you were parking your breakfast?
Hello?
- Oh. - Oh, bugger.
We should never have left him
here on his own, never.
He'll think we're so, SO rude.
That is, if he was ever here at all.
I mean, maybe we imagined him.
Maybe he was some sort of illusion.
- Maybe - Maybe I'm trying to watch
TV, so maybe you should shut up!
Well, in the immortal words
of Toyah "The Voice" Wilcox
"It'th a mythtery!"
That was bloody good!
"It'th a mythtery!" Must put it
on my CV. Special skills - lisping.
Tom.
- I wonder if HE lisped?
- Where's my tea?
He was very rugged, wasn't he?
Wonder if people say that about ME?
For all I know, I could be walking
down the street doing something
banal, taking a library book back
The latest Sue Townsend.
Or the Two Fat Ladies cookery book.
..and maybe a bus is going past,
and a passenger looks down,
clocks me, says to a friend,
"Look at him
"Ain't he rugged?"
- Tom! - OK, I'll get your tea!
Darjeeling, Raspberry Zinger
- or Pyramids? - I'd rather do
a Sarah Miles and drink my own piss.
Don't be disgusting
- LINDA! - What?
Come here! There's a note.
Is it from him? Oh, God.
You - no, I'LL read it
I think I'm having a panic attack.
- Keep your hair on! ..Oh, got nice
big capitals. - Just read it, bitch!
- "Hi, cats" - Ugh!
What's he calling us "cats" for?
What's that about? - Look!
- D'you want me to read it or not?
- Yes, I do.
"Hi, cats
"Thank you
Thanks. Thanks for last night.
"Peeto."
- Peeto? - Want a butchers?
- Peeto? - Oh! I just worked it out!
- What? - Peeto is a Nigerian name,
isn't it? It WAS the cab driver.
"Hello! My name is Peeto. I am your
cab driver for the evening."
See? It makes perfect sense,
don't it?
"Hi, cats. Thanks for last night.
Peeto." Stands to reason.
- Does it? - Yeah.
Them Nigerians,
they love a good scar.
- Probably took one look at this and
thought I was a warrior queen. - But
why "cats"? - It's Nigerian, innit
for "O dusky maiden
"and dusky maiden's
homosexual flatmate".
Now I know you're making that up.
And that is SO racist!
What, with the amount of ethnics
I've slept with? Do me a favour(!)
'All you have to do'
KNOCK AT DOOR
- Can I come in?
- Not gonna TALK, are you? - ..No.
'Simple!'
- Oh What's this?
- What's it look like?
- A house-brick.
- Mobile phone for my new evening job.
I don't see why you think you have
- to have TWO jobs. - I work in
the media, mate. It ain't well-paid.
A lot of media people
have two jobs to pay the leccy bill.
You see Kate Adie down the pubs in
Hackney, Wednesdays. Selling whelks.
Don't you DARE bracket yourself
with Saint Kate Of The Troublespots.
You're just
a bloody little receptionist, OK?
'Ah, up Manchester way?'
Oh, look! It's Zoe Ball!
Oh, Zoe Ball.
Lovely, lovely, LOVELY Zoe Ball.
- Mirror, mirror on the wall, the
fairest kids' presenter of them all
has to be Miss Zoe Ball. - Shut up.
Course, I was a huge fan of her
father's. D'you remember?
Johnny "Think Of A Number" Ball,
remember? Oh,
a very talented family all round.
Michael Ball entered
the Eurovision Song Contest.
- Kenny Ball
- OUT, you overgrown streak of piss!
- It's VERY funny how you dismiss
the fact we woke up with a strange
man in our flat! - You're DESPERATE.
So we got pissed!
- So we can't remember much. So get
over it! - Aren't you intrigued?
I'm too hung-over. Anyone'd think
you'd never seen a man in undies.
- Not as many as you, and I went to a
boys' boarding school. - Bet you were
the wimp with a note from mother.
At least she could read and write.
Oh-h!
- Peeto was MINE. - How do you KNOW?
- I weren't gonna say, but I found
a hair in my bed - and it weren't
auburn. - Show me - this instant!
- NO! I knew you'd be heartbroken.
No! - Get your breasts off me!
I don't believe you. I found
a hair in MY bed - a really big one.
Bit of a slapper then, weren't he?!
I don't understand
how we can wipe our memory.
The human body is a nightmare! Oh
Maybe last night we had our minds
removed. There's a scary thought.
- Not as scary as the thought of me
punching you out if you don't shut
up. - Know what? We should get drunk.
- Oh, no. - We should.
Because then we'll be in the same
psychological state as last night -
and therefore we might remember.
- Where you going? - Why - miss me?
Like a cat with no neck misses
licking his own arsehole.
Was that a yes or a no?
Why didn't you tell me earlier?
An actor with an agent,
Tom, is respectable.
- Like a prossie when she gets
her first pimp. - What's going on?
- Bloody mary.
- You should've told me last night.
Beryl would've slipped into her boob
tube and mash-potatoed till dawn.
- Don't be revolting. - You know what?
I don't think I could touch a drop.
LINDA GIGGLES
Thing is, he was bloody gorgeous,
Beryl Weren't he, Tom?
- From behind had perfect buns.
- Yeah.
I saw him from the front.
- Yeah, course - when you were
trimming your hedge! - He put me
in mind of a young Shirley Porter.
Sidney Poitier.
Beryl
When he walked past, did he mince?
- Do it for her. - Shall I act it? I'll
act it for you. Watch. - He'll act it.
I'll act it. Was he like this?
Or was he like this?
What's the difference(?)
Oh, you bitch!
Walking interpretation
isn't my strong point.
- Didn't he say anything? - Oh, yes.
- Well, what?! - "Morning!"
But was it "Morning!"
or "Mornin'"?
My strimmer was going full pelt.
I had to lip read.
- He didn't say nothing like,
"Tell Linda I love her"?
- If he did, he ventriloquolised it.
- IS he a ventriloquist? - I wouldn't
mind him sticking his hand up
my skirt and making my lips move.
It's tragic, Beryl.
All we've got to show for it
is one lousy letter he left.
Why didn't you say?
I could phone my pal Renie.
When she came off the game,
she took up handwriting analysis.
- Hang on, I'll get it.
- Won't she have to SEE the writing?
Nope. She knew my niece Janet was
a lesbian just by me describing
the apostrophes in her suicide note.
Ah, that's fantastic!
Renie?
Gag the chinchilla,
I want a consultation.
OK
Have you got
a copy of this week's Bella handy?
Right, OK Page three.
The first letter would be an "H",
and it's twice the size
of Anthea Turner's head.
What?
Oh, OK, I'll read it again.
It says,
"Hi, cats. Thanks for last night.
"P.T.O
"I'll be back at lunchtime tomorrow.
"See you then, Jez."
No, it's Peeto.
Jez.
Peeto.
P.T.O.
P.T.O.! It's P.T.O.!!!
He ain't put a dot
in between each letter!
Mummy said you had to put a dot in!
Bloody stupid woman!
- I'll bloody-well kill you. - It ain't
my fault for being visibly disabled.
- Anyway - Peeto's coming back to me!
- D'you want this consultation or not?
- I gotta get my beauty sleep.
- A century of sleep
wouldn't be enough. - Where's my bed?
- Put my bed back!
- Try the bedroom, love.
Oh.
Come here
Get out of my bloody way!
No, Reen. Keep talking.
It's THEIR bill.
Mr Adams?
Hello, it's Linda LeHughes here,
from Mattress Blasters.
Were you aware that there are
millions of parasites eating away
daily at your divan? But fear not.
Help is at hand.
We at Mattress Blasters
can offer you a cleansing service
for only £74.99, yes, 7,4,9,9.
Mr Adams?
What you got on?
Mr Adams?
I think I'm gonna be sick.
TOM HUMS
Morning!
To see the ♪
You haven't made any special
effort for Jez, have you?
- No. Just threw on the first thing
that fell out my wardrobe. - Me too.
- I forgot to ask. He did say he'd be
back some time around lunchtime,
didn't he? - Oh? Didn't pay attention.
Me neither What time
would you say lunchtime WAS?
- I dunno. Whenever you're peckish,
I suppose. - Being a thespian
- Tom, can't you see
I'm moonlighting here? - (Sorry!)
I'll, um, be fingering through
Richard III till he comes.
Mr Armitage?
Well, put your husband ON, then!
Dance yourself dizzy
When they boogaloo ♪
- I'm trying to supplement my wages!
- I've remembered what he looks like.
- KNOCK AT DOOR
- He's early! - That's SO heterosexual.
Get out the bloody Ow! OW!
- Hi, cats. - Puddy ca-at!
Hey, Jez! How's it hangin' BOY?
Fine, fine What a night, eh?
Did we have a night or what?
- Yes, didn't we? Didn't WE. WE! - I'm
black and blue all over, know what
I'm saying? - Breakdance is very '80s.
- Still, you're both quick learners.
- Jez, Jez - pop quiz. - Hm?
- Village People. Great or shite?
- Jez, Jez, Judy Garland -
- torch-song icon or druggy old
corpse with talentless kids? - Eh?
- What you been up to, Jez, me old
sparring partner? - Packing up me old
kit bag. - And smile smile smile! ♪
- So are you moving, Jez,
are you moving? - Yes. Yes, today.
Don't you, er, remember?
- Course we do! - Yeah. Movi-in'!
- I can't wait too long.
I wanna start bringing my stuff in.
- You did say the other night
you'd give us a hand - Er, "in",
Jez-boy? - Bringing STUFF in!
Yes, in.
I knew this was gonna happen.
You don't remember a thing, do you?
I remember your face vaguely.
So it's not OK for me to move in?
It's just that the other night
They warned me.
"Never get pally with the clients."
Clients?
You hired me from the escort agency.
Big Boys. You phoned, I arrived, we
all had fun, not heavy. No ropes
Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick.
Tell me you didn't touch me!
- Jez? Je-ez! - Oh. - What's that?
Are you with those kind people?
Hi, cats! Tom and Linda
Suze. We're SO looking forward
to moving in below you.
You just watch it there, lesbo!
Jez?
- Guess what city this is?
Wind-upsville, USA! - Oh, you didn't!
- I did. They couldn't remember a
thing, so I said I was their escort!
- So youse are moving in downstairs?
- Got it, Lindz!
- Why the hell were you here?
- Will you tell them, or shall I? - You.
- He's so talented orally(!) - YOU tell
them, kitten-witten. - YOU, big daddy.
Oh, spit it out, bitch!
Jez came over Friday night
to do some last-minute painting.
He locked himself out.
I'd been in Lytham-St-Anne's
all week, so he had nowhere to go.
You two came home roaring drunk and
said he could sleep on the settee!
He said you were jolly fun! The
trick with a pint glass, Linda! Ooh.
Let's leave these party animals
to "do their thang".
- Thanks for last night. - Ciao, Linda,
Tom! Must do supper one night.
- Do suppah one night(!) - Mi-mi-mi-mi!
- Must do suppah! - Suze, Suze, Suze!
I'd rather chew the cud
with Rosemary West.
'The Action Man, I wonder'
'..Each one of those guys
is gonna give her a loving kiss.
Watch the body language'
'Steven, give her a kiss.'
Dale Winton on a Sunday?
- I taped it. - Why?
I had my reasons.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Go away!
- It's Beryl. - What d'you want?
- He's back! - Tell us something we
don't know. - He's wheedled his way
in with her downstairs, the new girl.
- Piss off, we're busy having a life.
- Anyone ever tell you you're fickle?
- No. I don't hang around long enough.
- I'm gonna phone Renie.
DOOR CLOSES
LINDA SMACKS LIPS
Is this that programme
where couples go on
and you have to guess
who's going out with who?
It might be.
- We could go on it.
- We're not a couple.
No, we're not.
Go chat someone up on the phone.
It's the only way you'll ever meet
anybody. And I'm not talking to you.
Bet I can get you to.
Bet you I CAN.
Let's play Casualty.
Oh, fabulous!
- OK, OK! You be the paramedic,
I'll be the relative. - OK. - I need
to prepare. Don't be too quick. - OK.
- Ready? - Not yet - I'm preparing.
OK, I'm ready now.
KNOCK
- Holby General. Where is she? - There,
and I think she's dead! - Yes, she is.
- I got it, I got it! The Bill. - OK. I
need to prepare. Don't be too quick.
You ready?
KNOCKS
DCI Snatch, Sun Hill.
No-o-o!
- I suppose I'm nicked, ain't I? - Yes,
you are.
- I got it. Championship boxing.
- Championship boxing!
Oh, hang on. How d'you do that one?
Like this.
Gimme gimme gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme gimme gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme gimme gimme a man! ♪