God, the Devil and Bob (2000) s01e01 Episode Script

Hi.
God here.
So, I was alI set to destroy the world when I thought, "Hey, I'm not that kind of god.
" If just one souI could show me it's worth saving, I'd spare it.
And being a sporting deity, I let the deviI choose.
So, folks, meet your last chance for salvation.
Wow! This is good beer.
Oh, boy.
Well, folks, I wouldn't make any long-term plans.
Forty-five minutes? I know I have alI eternity, but this is just rude.
- There you are.
- Hey, God.
- I'd just about given up on you.
- When have I ever let you down? Recently? Can we just look at the cars? - How are things in hell? - "How are things in hell?" It's a festering pit of agony and despair.
Oh, I put in a koi pond.
- Good for you.
- They alI died.
You check your filter? I did everything the guy told me.
I can't keep fish.
Fish are hard.
Get a parakeet.
Nothing kills those things.
Oh, look at this.
- Nice place you've created here.
- Yeah.
"Yeah"? That's it? You're not gonna come back at me with little Timmy Taylor who gave his sainted nana his last kidney? No, I've got to telI you, more and more these days What? You can telI me.
Sometimes I think about chucking the whole thing and starting over.
I can't telI you how glad I am to hear you say that.
I know it was hard, but I think it's the first step.
Hey, Mike.
Pitch me a rivet.
Any idea where this came from? Looks like a half-onch hex-head.
Most of those come from Pontiac, don't they, Mike? Go ahead and have you fun, Allman.
I know it was you.
If I write you up one more time, your ass is mine.
Jack, I'm flattered, and, well, curious, of course.
Shut up and get back to work! You know, you have an attractive build for a portly man.
Maybe it's time I got some help.
Thank you, Dr.
Hops.
Destroying the world: What a wonderfuI gift.
I should get you something.
Do you have a clock radio? - I don't know.
- It has a snooze alarm.
Maybe I should give'em one more chance.
What? Well, I think I owe them that much.
If just one souI could show me that they're worth saving.
How can you do this? You know I have trust issues.
I'lI telI you what, just to be fair, you choose.
Anyone in the whole world.
Really? Okay.
Um that guy.
Bob Allman.
Not my best work.
Okay.
A deal's a deal.
And if he fails, you'lI destroy the whole thing? Yes.
You can't tease me, like with the flood.
When are you gonna let that go? - Deal? - I hate when you do this.
Hi.
I'm your maker.
And this is the eviI one.
- I have a proposition for you.
- Get lost.
I understand you're skeptical.
You want to see some proof.
Fair enough.
Watch this.
Boy, how many are down there? Look, Siegfried.
Take Roy here and go peddle your act to someone who gives a rat's ass.
Fine, fine.
You want to play hardball, we'lI play hardball.
Did you see what I just saw? What? PulI up your pants, Ronnie.
So, God, - what are you drinkin'? - Light beer.
Triple margarita on the rocks, no salt.
Here's the deal.
I'm very disappointed in the world.
I'm thinking of destroying the whole thing, but I'd really rather not.
You show me that the world's worth saving, and I'lI spare it.
That sounds like a lot of work.
Well, yeah, but you'd be saving the world.
Well, I got that part, but what's in it for me? - I knew I made the right choice.
- Look.
If you don't want the job, I can save us alI a lot of trouble and destroy it now.
Okay.
- I'lI do it.
I'lI save the world.
- That's alI I'm asking.
So, what exactly is it that I'm supposed to do? You don't know? Well, sure I No.
Oh, for good You people.
This isn't new stuff.
It's written down in books, scrolls, stone tablets.
What do you want me to do, scribble it on a bar napkin for you? Would you? Because that would really help.
You're on your own, Bob.
Don't disappoint me.
Well, that's a little unfair.
You're preaching to the choir, my friend.
You're in an up mood.
I feeI good, Smeck.
I really do.
The world wilI soon be ours Well, mine but you're free to wallow in my glory.
Thank you, Your Wretchedness.
Again! If his nibs wants to hitch man's fate to this clown AlIman I don't have to spread myself so thin.
AlI I have to do is destroy Bob, and the world is destroyed with him.
We have work to do, my loathsome toad.
- EviI work? - No.
Knitting.
- Of course eviI work! - Oh, boy.
Now, shut up and let me think.
So what are we gonna do? BoiI him in oil? Eviscerate his organs? Give him really dry skin - you know, the itchy kind? - Smeck! I'lI wait.
One more time! Everyone's spreading the rumor alI over schooI that I slept with Dylan.
What? Megan, who would say such a horrible thing? Well, me, but I was just trying to shock Jennifer.
- So you started the rumor? - You're missing the point, Mom.
- I can't trust my best friend.
- With your lies.
Are we gonna keep going round and round about this or are you gonna calI the principaI and telI him I'm dropping out of 7th grade? You'lI never guess who I ran into today.
- You are not staying home Monday.
- I can't walk into that snake pit.
- God Almighty.
- You brought it on yourself, Megan.
The God Almighty.
I won't give them the satisfaction of showing up.
- I'm through with school! - Come back here.
Megan! He told me that the world is in big trouble, and he wants me to Not now, Bob.
Andy, I met God today.
Cool.
Did he have speciaI powers? Did he? God is the most powerfuI being in the universe.
Can he turn his arm into a missile launcher like Meglor? Well, I saw him make himself 100 feet tall.
But no missiles? No.
Donna, I swear.
I saw him with my own eyes.
Just like the U.
F.
O.
you saw when we were camping.
Hey, you can't telI me that the government has a helicopter that can veer sideways with that kind of velocity.
It was a firefly.
Donna, this is serious.
God has literally put the fate of mankind in my hands.
And these would be the same hands that are inching up my nightie? That's just a little confidence builder.
Good night, Bob.
Okay.
God's depending on me.
I have to throw myself into this with everything I've got.
Do you have the Bible on video? No? What about Showgirls? Well, that's 20 minutes of my life I'lI never get back.
Ah! God! What are you doing here? Pop-Tarts.
They're incredible.
Pastry from a toaster.
It's so convenient.
What? Are you just gonna be able to appear in my house anytime you want? Because I think that you should know there are times that I'm naked.
You know what else I like? Space Food Sticks.
Whatever happened to them? Look.
I think you made a mistake choosing me to save the world.
I'm not the man for the job.
I drink.
I swear.
I download porn off the Internet.
And I mean a lot.
- Dad? - Don't worry.
- You're the only one that can see me.
- Hi, Dad.
Hi, God.
Darn it.
I always have trouble with kids.
- And what about the devil? - What about him? Well, I can't imagine that he's a neutraI party in this.
- Is he gonna come after me? - Probably.
He does that.
Don't worry about Andy.
A long time ago, Lucifer and I made a deal.
I get them tilI they're 12, he gets them tilI they're 20.
Homework sucks.
I need a beer.
No.
Not untiI you're 16.
I see what you mean.
Bob, you'd better get on it.
The clock is ticking.
Ticking? I didn't hear any ticking.
AlIman seems like a harmless boob, and yet - Did you hear ticking, sir? - It was probably this.
Oh, I hear it now.
- Sir? - What? Do you smelI something burning? If I hadn't promised your mother Bob, there's too many people.
This is scaring me.
Look.
I'm sorry, Donna, but near as I can tell, I'm some kind of a prophet.
I've done a little research, and apparently, this is what we do: Gather a multitude and yelI at them.
- I'm glad so many of you showed up.
- Where's the free beer? I'm offering you something better: salvation.
- Is that a kind of beer? - No.
No, no.
I'm not offering any kind of liquor.
Hi, son.
Reverend Nat Potterson.
Come on in and sit down.
So what can I do for ya? Well, I have an idea for a TV show.
Well, as long as it has a spirituaI message.
Don't be afraid to get up under that towel, honey.
What's your idea, son? NutshelI it for me.
We have a host someone like yourself, and people calI in and basically telI stories about God.
- Sort of a telethon for the Lord.
- Exactly.
It's not bad.
So after they telI their stories, we flash a 900 number and the audience votes on the best story.
Two dollars a call.
We pulI in a quick 10 million or so.
No.
We don't charge any money.
Excuse me? We just do it to show God how much we like him.
Okay.
Saving the world.
What else have I got? Thought I had more.
- Could you push "H" for me? - Yeah.
Sure.
You know, I left something on another floor.
I think you may have gotten the wrong impression of me the other day and I wanted another chance to chat.
Here we are.
See, this whole good and evil thing is really a big misunderstanding.
A long, long time ago, we were both so young, I said some things.
They got taken out of context.
Five thousand years later, I'm the bad guy.
Let me tell you.
He's got some skeletons, but for some reason he's always gotten better ink than me.
I've never gone after my attackers.
I suppose I should have, but it's not my style.
Uh, yeah, look.
I really should be He talks about how disappointed he is in man's shortcomings, but whose fault is that, really? Man was made in his image and likeness.
Well, you've certainly given me a lot to chew on.
I can do things for you, Bob.
Big things.
There must be something you've always wanted.
Really? W It can be anything? Anything.
I always wanted to play for the Red Wings.
You start for them tonight.
Your 3:00 is here.
- Damn it, Smeck! Close the door! - Sorry.
- What was that? - What? - I heard horrible screams.
- No.
- There was - No.
- Look.
I really should be going.
- What about the Red Wings? Yeah.
Maybe some other time.
Thanks.
Listen, you little worm! He's not the only one with power! You'd better wise up fast and realize who your real friends are.
What do you want from me, God? I've had it.
I've really had it.
You're supposed to be a benevolent god? Let's look at the record.
You're vague.
You're unknowable.
You're unreliable.
You let good people suffer and lousy people prosper.
You call yourself a father? You're more like a deadbeat dad.
Yeah, that hellish vortex stuff is no picnic.
I'm in over my head here, Mike.
I don't have a clue what to do.
I just wish I had some sort of a What? A sign? A sign would be nice.
Help me out? Leave me alone.
Wait.
It's you, isn't it? Yeah.
No.
I mean, it's you, right? Right.
Oh, man.
I'm sorry for those things I said out in the field.
I was just blowin' off steam.
Look.
I need your help.
You never really told me what to do to save humanity.
What should I do? Give me five bucks.
What? Wait.
I get it.
One step at a time.
Do what I can.
Help the needy, right? - Right.
- And this will save the world.
Better make it 10.
Dylan Dylan, don't say that.
- What happened? - Dylan called me a slut! - He hates me! - Oh, sweetie.
This is all your fault! - Honey, I saved the world.
- Not now, Bob.
Andy, I saved the world.
Cool, Dad.
And here's my reward.
Watch out, Vendela! Tyra stole your towel! She may need a spanking.
Oh, good.
You're on it.
Bob, we have to talk.
Oh, come on! They were roughhousing! Okay.
What do you want from me? I did what you asked.
- What are you talking about? - In the bar.
The wino.
I gave you the money.
Wasn't that you? You can't buy your way out of this.
Then what do you want me to do? Very simple.
Prove to me that human beings are worth saving.
- How am I supposed to do that? - I think you know.
- God da - Careful.
Did it ever occur to you that the reason we're such a big disappointment to you might be your fault? I mean, we were made in your image and likeness, weren't we? You got that from him, didn't you? Maybe.
- I got a million things to do.
- Wait, wait.
God.
God? Screw it.
Let him destroy the world.
I've had it.
I'm at my wit's end with her.
She's locked herself in her room and she won't come out and I don't know what to do with her.
I can't It's okay, honey.
Don't cry.
Let me see what I can do, okay? Hi, Daddy.
Get in the car.
- Where are we - Get in the car.
- Where are we - Get in the car.
What are we doing? I'm taking you to the carousel.
What? Are you nuts? But this always cheers you up.
When I was seven.
I'm 13 years old! Honey, it's okay.
You don't have to Oh, honey.
What's wrong? I haven't had my period.
Now, honey, there's lots of We can we can I didn't miss my period.
- I've never had it.
- Ah, thank God.
- I thought - I lied about getting my period last year.
All my friends had theirs, and I felt like a little girl.
So this thing with Dylan I made that up too.
Pretty lame, huh? Girls mature at different ages, and there's no right age.
There's a whole range from well, from - Ten? - From 10 all the way to - Sixteen.
- Sixteen.
- Okay? - No.
I wanna be like all my friends.
I guess we all do.
So, you wanna go home? Not yet.
I wanna ride the froggy.
What did you do? I don't know.
I just talked to her.
Amazing.
Coming to bed? In a minute.
Bob? It's me, God.
Bob? I hate these things.
Bob, pick up.
Bob, don't screen your Maker.
- Congratulations.
- What? You did it.
I saved the world? - How? - I think you know.
What? You mean with Megan? But I didn't do anything.
I mean, I tried, but That's what you want? You want us to try with our families? This is good beer.
Did you know that caps twist right off? What? You're so I don't know inscrutable.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I get that a lot.
So I guess this is it.
Don't be a stranger.
I'm not really done with you yet, Bob.
Oh, come on.
I'm sorry.
I just had a flat tire, and I was wondering if you Give it up.
You're too late.
It's not fair.
It's not fair! It's never an even playing field.
I always get the short end.
- Just for once, I'd like to - Go to hell.