Going Dutch (2025) s01e01 Episode Script

[CANNON FIRE]
[PATRICK] Where are we
at with the press release?
Headline, "Colonel Patrick
Quinn to take emergency command
of USAG Bomb Holder."
Then the bio, "A
native of Massachusetts,
the colonel has had
command and staff positions
in five divisions,
including special forces,
throughout his decorated
30-year career."
Mention the Rangers. People get hard
when I name drop the Rangers.
- Give America erection.
- Mm-hm.
"Awarded the Distinguished
Service Cross for combat heroism
a Purple Heart, and a Silver Star."
Then we mention your tours
in Iraq and Afghanistan,
and finish with father
to Maeve and Margaret.
No, no, no. Drop the family
stuff. That's too soft.
I'm a man of action.
That's why they want
the big dog close to the border,
in case things pop
off with the Russkies.
Again, sir, gotta hide
your glee for World War III.
It's coming, baby. It's coming.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Congratulations, colonel.
I see you're wearing your dress blues.
Thank you, General Davidson.
When I imagined this day
in my head, I pictured
myself in my dress blues,
but I didn't imagine you being here.
I wanted to be here. I
know this is something
you've waited on for a long time.
How are your girls?
I heard that you are a grandpa now.
- No, I don't have a grandkid.
- I could have sworn.
- I don't Oh, the baby, yes.
- The baby?
So there is a grandkid,
but he's not like a real
human being yet, he's more
like, just like a blob.
- His name's Owen.
- I don't love that.
- Everyone's great, sir.
- And what about your other daughter?
The one I met at West Point?
I'm sure she's fine.
General, why are you here specifically?
I'm the new commanding
officer of Baumholder.
No, no. I'm supposed to be
the new commanding
officer of Baumholder.
They told me to report here for
an emergency command position.
Correct. You are reporting here
and taking emergency command
of the USAG Stroopsdorf.
Ninety minutes away in the Netherlands.
Uh, is that even a combat base?
No, service base. One of our smallest.
I apologize if our original
message was a little misleading.
It was supposed to be very misleading.
You remember our training exercise
a few months ago at Fort Irwin?
- We had body cams on everybody.
- Yeah.
- Colonel Quinn.
- Yeah.
[SOLDIER] You were in
Task Force Dagger, right?
General Davidson said the
action was really heavy.
Davidson wouldn't know
if there was any action.
Davidson's a giant [BLEEP].
He's never seen any
action. Him and [BLEEP]
is like [BLEEP] being a [BLEEP]
them and the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
That's first ballot
[BLEEP] Hall of Fame.
I-I apologize for that, general.
No need. The brass wanted you buried
and I volunteered to dig the hole.
- Why the Netherlands, sir?
- To drive you insane.
[CHUCKLES]
[THEME MUSIC]
[ELECTRIC STATIC]
The sign makes it seem like
the army base is inside
the bowling alley.
Like one of those Starbucks
that's inside of a supermarket.
Hm.
[BELL RINGING]
Still waiting for my first salute.
Hold on.
[BELL RINGS]
Did he just
Wave to you like Forrest
Gump on a shrimping boat?
- He did.
- Where are the guns? It's weird.
The base, it feels naked.
You know what we'll do?
Get up to that tower.
Some high ground so we can
see what we're working
Uh-uh-uh. I wouldn't.
Possums don't like it
when you go in their tower.
- Sir.
- Soldier, you need a haircut.
You look like they found
Jesus dead in a river.
- That's funny.
- Oh, boy. No, no
- No, no, no, no, no, no!
- You! What the !
- No, no, no, no!
- There's a fat hippie on a bike.
You're wrinkling your dress blue, sir.
- Okay. Yes.
- Yeah. Yeah.
You know what I'm
gonna do? Work miracles.
That's how I stay in the
race. That's how I get
promoted back to Baumholder.
Ah, no. That's, that's
a little too far, sir.
The race is done.
Right now, you're in the
horse tent, where they
put you down in private.
No one's ever come back
from something like this.
No, no, no. I just need to stay shiny
and turn this dump into a, a combat base
full of born-again
badasses with no bikes.
- Get rid of the bikes
- He's back. He's back.
- The hippie is back.
- All right. Ride away!
- Ride away! Sir.
- I got
- I-I have to not look at him.
- Hey, hey. Look over there.
That building looks important.
- Welcome to the fromagerie, sir.
- I'm confused.
Cheese is what Stroopsdorf's known for.
Cheese, laundry, and bowling.
We're in the horse tent.
All right. We need to recon
every inch of this base immediately.
Of course, sir.
- Cheese.
- Hm.
Laundry.
Bowling. Stroopsdorf
offers all three services
to bases in Germany and Belgium.
No tether-ball? No Apple store?
Sir, why would we need an Apple store
when we have a teen center?
- [CUE STICK CLICKS]
- Ugh!
Where are the teens?
Oh, there are actually
no kids on the base.
But in last year's budget, there
was money for a teen center.
So now we have a teen center.
Worst tour ever.
Sergeant, thank you. Dismissed.
I'm being stalked by
giant bowling signs.
This place is a boys' and
girls' club for middle-aged
Dutch civilians, including
a small-time gigolo
playing the video game.
Hey, back to work. Move
away from the machine
before I feed you
into it like a quarter.
I am still on early lunch
break. I brought soup from home.
Would you like some? We
could share a spoon. Wow.
- I really like your medals.
- I despise your mesh hoodie.
Then you're going to
hate the fact that this is
actually a onesie. All right. Bye-bye.
- Not worth it.
- Okay.
This guy I can order around. Private.
Take me to the base commander.
Yes, sir. Actually, no, sir. Sorry, sir.
Okay, the commander's
been running the base
remotely for the last six months, sir.
Take me to whoever's
in-charge of the ground.
Follow me, sir.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
I like this private.
- He just ran into a door.
- But at least he ran.
Today, the commander-in-chief's
annual awards
for installation
excellence were announced.
As interim commander, I am proud to say
that in the category
of European support base
parenthetical small, we
are this year's winners.
- [ALL CHEERING]
- As a reward
we have purchased
state-of-the-art equipment
to improve our cardiovascular health
and emotional well-being.
It's time
to silent disco.
- Yes!
- [ALL] Whoo!
Normally, a colonel
walks onto an army base
and butt holes clench.
But their stink vents
are flapping around
all loosey-goosey.
What the hell?
Talk about loose. I don't even
understand what I'm looking at.
Well, what I don't understand
is why would Davidson send you
to a Dutch Club Med and not
Alaska to freeze your nuts off?
Good point, because
he's the psyops king.
He'd think he'd wanna send me someplace
where I confront my biggest fear.
Which is failure. And I've never
failed at anything except
[ALL LAUGHING AND CHATTERING]
Uh
Colonel Quinn, sir, this
is Captain Quinn, sir.
Oh, my God. You guys
have the same last name.
That is so crazy.
Not crazy.
That is my father. Sir.
Stop. Stop dancing.
I'm sure you have some feelings about me
being stationed here.
- I would rather you not be here.
- I don't wanna be here.
- Oh, you don't? Oh!
- No. Are you kidding?
It's like the last place I wanna be.
Well, I thought you wanted to be here.
No, no, no, no, no,
no. Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, great. And why, why
- [PATRICK] Yeah. Yeah.
General Davidson sent
me here as a punishment.
Okay, well, how is
Stroopsdorf a punishment?
Stroopsdorf is not the punishment.
Being here with you is.
I'm just remembering this feeling
in my body so I can report
it to my therapist later.
The feeling is red, and
it's shaped like a dagger.
- Sir.
- You don't have to call me sir.
Let's just have a normal
father-daughter interaction.
I'm really glad you're still doing
the thing where you talk to the
- Therapy.
- Yes. It's great.
Well, then why did you
say no when I asked
Oh, my god. You're still on this.
- Two years ago.
- I don't think it was
- two years ago.
- It was exactly two years ago.
That's when I cut off contact with you.
Hm.
And you did not even notice?
Okay, I was busy saving America.
You should retire.
You're already a legend.
We studied your missions at West Point.
And yet, you're still
uniquely unqualified
to command a service
base due to the fact
that you're a raging narcissist.
That is a terrible thing
to say to your father.
Number one, number two.
Specifically, which missions of mine
are they teaching at West Point?
Anybody would ask that.
- Excuse me.
- Hm-mm.
What does XO stand for?
I'm Commander of Hugs and Kisses.
- Oh, nice.
- It means executive officer.
What does a executive officer do?
I anticipate every problem,
solve it efficiently
then I leave without taking credit.
We provide services to combat bases.
- I can do this too.
- What are you talking about?
This is a service base.
It doesn't just become
a combat base because you
took a job out of spite.
I do everything out of spite.
My body is 60% water and 40% spite.
Sorry to interrupt this
very touching reunion.
Just a reminder that
you're both officers
in a glass cube that everyone can see.
We were trying to leave
the military out of it.
No, no, no. You need to
bring the military back in
and you need to hold on to
it for dear life. Just
Yeah, yeah. Captain, you have concerns
about the colonel
commanding Stroopsdorf?
Yes, sir. I have an operation in motion
that I have spent ten months planning.
Failure will destabilize
relations in the region
and the colonel's very
presence could sabotage it.
Copy that, captain. Please,
brief us on the operation.
Uh, a bunch of us are marching
in the Tulip, Tulip Festival tomorrow.
- What?
- I didn't quite hear that.
A bunch of us are marching in
the Tulip Festival tomorrow.
God! I-I-I feel like I'm with
Eisenhower on eve of D-Day.
It is our first ever
invitation to the festival
and it's actually crucial
to our diplomatic mission.
I led Operation Iron Hammer,
Iron Saber, and Iron, um
- Justice.
- Justice. So I think
I can handle Operation Tulip Festival.
Well, I think that you will
break this place trying to fix it.
And there's actually nothing
wrong with Stroopsdorf.
Really? Can you show me one thing
that's right about this
- Place. Good.
- Place?
[MAGGIE] Welcome to my pride and joy.
The best dining facility
in the U.S. military.
Because great food increases
productivity and job satisfaction
which is why we have the highest morale
of any base in the U.S. Army.
Food was smacking today, Captain Maggie.
Don't leave him hanging, Captain Maggie.
Okay.
[BOTH] Uh! Phew! Phew! Phew!
[CLICKING FINGERS]
First guns I've seen on the base.
I do believe you have the softest troops
in the history of the U.S. Army.
That's a gross mischaracterization.
- Major?
- Hand.
[CHUCKLING] Sorry. That tickles.
Smooth as a baby's bottom.
[SNIFFS] Lavender?
We pick it in the afternoon, sir.
Right before nap time.
Moving on.
Mmm.
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS AND BANGS TABLE]
- Mmm!
- Mm-hm.
How's the chow?
- I've had better.
- I haven't.
Each bite is a Proustian odyssey
propelling me through space and time.
You're welcome. Stroopsdorf is
the best service base in
Europe, parenthetical small.
We are great at what we do.
We maybe a different
kind of soldier than you,
but we're still soldiers.
We shall see about that.
- Right, major?
- Can I finish?
Oh, we're gonna finish. Yeah, yeah.
Mm-hm. Get some of that
sauce. Let me get that sauce.
- Oh, cleaning your plate.
- [PATRICK] All right.
- Mm-hm.
- Mm-hm.
Company, attention!
I am your new commanding
officer, Colonel Patrick Quinn.
First order of business,
no more giant bowling signs.
It's idiotic! Number two,
everyone in the courtyard for PT, now!
That's the sound of 100
butt holes puckering.
Keep those knees high! High!
Higher than you heathens get
on a 48-hour leave to Amsterdam.
We're going back to
basics. Basic training.
[ABRAHAM] After this, you
will crawl under barbed wire
to the sound of gunfire
from a Bluetooth speaker,
because none of you can remember
where you put the actual guns.
- [MAGGIE] Oh!
- Uh! Ah!
Way to you go, Papadakis. Good try.
What is this, T-ball?
We're not moving on until
Papadakis does this right.
I don't care if it takes all night.
[ALL CLAMORING]
- [MAGGIE] Oh, wow!
- [PAPADAKIS] Sorry, everybody.
- It's my gout.
- Did he just say gout?
It's a disease where
uric acid builds up.
It's a disease for gluttonous
16th century European nobles,
not active duty US military.
I admit to having a weakness
for rich foods and goose flesh,
much like the kings of old.
- I'm gonna kill him.
- No, it's not
It's not Papadakis's fault.
I have let go of the leash a bit.
That is because my focus
has been in other areas.
Quality control. Customer satisfaction.
What is this, a Panera?
Mm-mm. Oh, come on.
That's the best grilled
cheese I've ever had.
That is because my supply sergeant
sources all of the best ingredients.
Where does your supply sergeant
get all these fine ingredients?
I don't ask, and she doesn't tell me.
Oh, don't ask, don't tell.
You know, I was in the army
the first time they tried
that. Didn't work then, either.
I love a good supply sergeant.
Somebody who can get anything
for anyone from anywhere.
Sometimes it does attract
the unscrupulous type
who wants to just bleed the US Army dry.
Colonel, are you
accusing Sergeant Conway
of misappropriation without evidence?
No.
Oh, that's just a supply closet.
There's a key around here somewhere.
Yeah, it's okay. I have one.
[DOOR THUDS]
[LAUGHS]
Yeah.
Well, don't ask, don't
tell, huh? It never works,
but if you have to live in a
closet, this would be the one.
I've hung my coat there
like a million times.
All right, Colonel. How
do you wanna play this?
Pour me a glass of that Gamay.
- Any of this legal?
- Legal-ish.
Military spending is a running faucet.
- I just dip a thimble.
- Hmm.
Colonel, you just knocked
down a door into the Goonies'
treasure cave. Why are you not upset?
Because this is no
longer an investigation.
It is now a job interview.
And sergeant, I want
you to be part of my
personal staff, Team Shiny.
- Sure.
- Could you give us a second?
[PATRICK] Thank you.
Ah, ah. You don't get Gamay.
- But I like Gamay.
- [PATRICK] No, no, no.
You don't get Gamay.
Not if you turn an entire US Army base
into Captain Maggie's Montessori School.
But don't worry. I'm in charge now,
and the party is over.
[MAGGIE] This Tulip festival
is over 500 years old.
And started within these medieval walls.
I made you these cards
just to give you context
for everything that's
gonna happen and you can
Done a million parades, number one.
Number two, I'm electric off the cuff.
So if you wanna worry
about something, worry about
your soldiers tripping
over their own sacks.
Or, or, lady sacks. Don't wanna
be accused of being sexist.
Well, it was sexist, so
The Colonel wanted me to
tell you that he appreciates
all the work you put into this festival.
- No, he didn't.
- No, he didn't.
- That usually works.
- Positive feedback
would require emotions, empathy.
He didn't even cry at
his own mother's funeral.
I would do anything to see him cry.
Operation Iron Tear.
[LAUGHING]
Am I right? Operation Iron Tear.
- Yeah, I know, I got it. Yeah.
- Okay.
[SIGHING]
Hello, I'm Katja Vanderhoff,
head of troops of Chamber of Commerce.
Nice to meet you. I'm
Colonel Patrick Quinn.
Hope you guys take it easy on me today.
I'm a Tulip Festival virgin.
Well, I hope you last
longer than most virgins.
- [LAUGHS]
- So what is your business?
Maybe I'll stop by and say hi sometime.
I own the local brothel.
You know, maybe I'll just see
you out in the street or
Not-not street corner, because
obviously you're a high class
owner of a business. Hm.
I'll give the speech.
- What are you doing here?
- Hi, so I'm Jan.
And I'm the translator.
Doesn't everybody speak English?
Sure, but I also translate social cues.
For example, you really like her,
but you're trying to hide it.
Why?
Get away from me.
Good luck.
Good afternoon, I am
Colonel Patrick Quinn,
commander of USAG Stroopsdorf.
We are proud to represent
our home country of America,
and proud to be included as
members of this community.
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
Electric off the cuff.
Up first are some of our soldiers,
approaching with wheels of cheese.
Ooh! [CLAPPING]
That's what we do.
Stroopsdorf is one of
the things we make cheese.
And now, uh, the laundry project
from Stroopsdorf.
- What're they doing? Oh.
- It's in the note cards.
They are performing a
interpretive dance
about laundry.
Circ the laundry.
That is just a long time for them to
You know, I used to lead soldiers
into battle to fight our enemies.
Now I lead them into a fight stains.
- [ALL CHEERING]
- Oh, they are doing so good.
He's gonna explode.
Giant bowling sign.
Okay, everybody down!
What was the first thing
I said on the first day?
First order I gave.
- No giant
- [SPEAKER STATIC]
Would you stop?
[GROANING AND GRUNTING]
- No, colonel! Dad!
- Stop!
What happened to your gout, Papadakis?
Big time players make big
time plays in big time games.
You're a big time disgrace.
- [RIPPING POSTER]
- What? Hey!
- Yeah?
- Being very American.
It's better than being from
a country that legalized drugs
and ratted out Anne Frank.
[ALL GASPING]
Really
The crowd did not really like that joke.
They found it super offensive.
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
Thank you for reporting that to me.
All right. Well, let's clean that up.
Get out of the way.
Get out of the way.
[WATER SLOSHING]
[PATRICK] Hey.
Conway told me where
you like to go in town.
And, uh, I wanted to apologize.
[SCOFFS] Okay. Go ahead. Apologize.
I just did.
So, I'm putting together
a thing I like to call Team Shiny.
Which is like the best of
the best at Stroopsdorf.
Which is a little bit
like trying to make
a basketball team of the
world's tallest midgets.
- You can't say that.
- All right, little people.
- No.
- I don't think there's
another word that I could say.
No, no. I'm not joining.
And you know what? I'm not at work,
so you're actually not my commander.
You're just my dad, and I
don't really talk to my dad.
You're serious?
After I came down here
and tried to be nice
- Come on.
- Hmm.
I can say midget whenever I want.
I fought in Iraq, so
Midget, midget, midget.
[PHONE RINGING]
- Yes?
- [PATRICK] You were right.
Can't say the M word. I Googled it,
and apparently the little
bastards really hate it.
- I'm hanging up.
- No, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Don't hang up. I-I wanted
to ask you something.
If you hate me so much, why
did you follow in my footsteps?
Like, what's the point in everything?
I wanna keep being of service.
I wanna run for public office,
Congresswoman, senator.
And if things break
right [CLEARS THROAT]
um, President.
You wanna be President?
If things break right, I said.
So you're a stone-cold
psycho. You're-you're
much more like me than you even think.
This is why I don't tell people.
- That you wanna be President?
- That you're my dad.
[SIGHS] Okay.
When I screwed up at the parade,
I saw that look on your face.
And it was the same one you gave me
whenever I came back later
than I promised you I would.
Which was, let's face
it, most of the time.
You would look up at me with those
big eyes
as if to say
"I know you don't wanna
be here, you coward."
[MAGGIE] Hello?
- Colonel.
- [PATRICK SNIFFLES]
- Dad.
- [PATRICK] Oh!
- Dad.
- [PATRICK] Ugh!
It's happening. Operation Iron Tear.
It's happening.
Move!
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh! Tear! Tear! Tear!
No, no, it's just my eyes were watering.
- [PATRICK] I have allergies.
- Ah-huh.
It's the tulips. They're
freaking everywhere.
Thanks for finally calling.
Uh, it doesn't make sense for us to
just be a combat base or
just be a service base.
We really have to be
both, so that means
we're gonna have to work together.
Looks good on the resume.
I'd only do it to win Ohio.
- Of course.
- Okay, deal.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna go
get some Kleenex so that
we can wipe the tears
that were just rolling down your face.
- Don't need them.
- [MAGGIE] You guys got tissues
for men crying?
[GUNSHOTS]
- Ah, first strike of the day.
- Yeah, boy!
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry. No, that's my bad.
I take things too far.
Where did you find the guns?
Underneath the Halloween decorations.
- Oh.
- Can I?
No. No, no, no. No. You're done.
[CHILDREN] It's going so well.