Going Straight (1978) s01e01 Episode Script
Going Home
WHISTLING # I'm going straight, I am # Straight as an arrow # I've paid the price # And done me time # I'm going straight, I am # Along the straight and narrow # And I don't mean straight back to crime.
# Sign it.
You what? The receipt, sign it.
What, just like that? Without so much as a cursory perusal? What's to peruse? These are my possessions here, Mr Kirby, what I come in with.
It may very well be that during the intervening years, well Well, what? Well, I'm just saying.
Just saying what? You know Fletcher, are you implying there are people in this prison who might resort to stealing? Yeah, about 800 of them.
What, steal this rubbish?! It's not rubbish, these are my possessions.
Go on, check 'em off.
If anything's missing, take it up with Lloyds.
One penknife, tartan.
Yes.
One belt, brown.
Yes.
One South African shilling.
Eh? Oh, yeah, look at that.
One tin of corn plasters.
Yeah.
One Hang on, hold your horses, hold your horses.
One tin of corn plasters - containing one, two, three, four - one of these is missing, look.
Can we get on? You don't get bad feet, do you? Where's my billiard chalk? Someone's used that and all.
It's got a hole in.
One billiard chalk - used.
One keyring, Tottenham Hotspur, two keys.
Yeah.
One receipt, shoe repairers.
Oh, that's what it is, yeah.
Look at that.
Brown brogue, soled and heeled.
I wonder if they're ready yet? One Ladbrokes pocket diary for 1974.
Yeah, that's right.
Hang on, just have a shufti here.
See what I've writ here.
Look at that, see? No entry after September 11th, that fateful day.
I've written, "A tragic misdirection of a jury by a biased judge.
" £1 each way, Laughing Boy, Haydock Park.
You spelt "biased" wrong.
Yeah, spelt "Laughing Boy" wrong and all.
It should have been Red Rum.
Look at that.
"Fond farewell to wife and family.
"Remind our Ingrid to collect my shoe repairs.
" Can we get on? Not much of a sentimentalist, are you? No.
You know, Mr Kirby, in all the time I've been staying at this hotel, I don't think I've ever seen you smile.
Fletcher, you haven't been out for three and a half years.
Three years, eight months, four days, Sir.
Let me promise you something.
There's precious little to smile about out there.
To you, maybe not, no.
But what you take for granted will be objects of unsurpassable joy to me, you know.
Like having hot water to shave in, clean sheets, The right to sit on your own lavatory for as long as it takes to read The Sun.
About a minute and a half.
Privacy, warmth, no smell of disinfectant or waterlogged cabbage.
The right to sit by the flickering flames of your own artificial log gas fire.
Gas bills, hot water bills all sorts of bills.
Bigger bills than when you came in.
Privacy, warmthin a dole queue? I'll be all right.
Oh, well, if the worst comes to the worst, you can always send this lot up to Sotheby's for auction.
Good luck, son.
Not before time, is it? I've done my porridge.
Aye, you're right.
Your time will come, don't worry.
I'm the last of our little crowd, eh? Yes, our little sewing circle, yes.
Lenny's gone, Warren, Lukewarm They've all embarked on their fresh starts in life.
Some more fresh than others.
I had a letter from Lukewarm.
Hey, how's he doing? Not too good, his case comes up on Wednesday.
No.
He's only been out three months.
It's a bit difficult for him, being a bitlilac, you know what I mean? Who cares? Everybody's tolerant about things like that.
Not in Middlesbrough, Jock.
No, no, no.
What did they do him for, anyway? Who, Lukewarm? Stealing a lady's handbag.
Of course he swears it was a mistake.
He said he reckoned it was his own.
It's not easy, Fletch.
We know that.
We've both been in and out often enough.
Yes, well, this is it for me.
Oh, aye.
I know, I've said it all before.
Yeah, I know I have.
But now, at my age, I've decided it's time I started to act my age.
Do you know, there's very few people in any prisons who're over 35.
Did you know that? It's surprising, isn't it? Well, this time for me it's not, "Au revoir," it is, "Goodbye," right? I'm 45, you know.
45 years of age.
And I've worked out that I've spent about seven days - on average - seven days out of every 30 in some nick or another.
That's a week in every month, innit? Shocking waste.
I've done worse than you, in and out since I was 14.
And before that there was the orphanage, which was another kind of prison.
It is more difficult for your lot, there's a lot of prejudice against you.
It's not easy being half-black.
I'm not talking about being half-black, I'm talking about being half-Scotch.
Dinnae be daft.
People are not prejudiced against the Scots.
I am.
You are.
That's because Mackay's a Scot.
It's Mackay you hate, really.
You've noticed, have you? You know, you're lucky he's not black, then you wouldn't be allowed to hate him, would you? That is true.
That's very true, yeah.
I shall miss hating him, though.
If there was two things I could take away from this prison as souvenirs, do you know what they'd be? What? I'll give you a clue.
They both belong to Mr Mackay.
Well, off you go, then.
Just a minute, just a minute.
Left something behind, have you? Yeah, three and a half years of my life.
Right, then, off you go.
I want to hear this door shut behind me first.
I'm supposed to see you off the premises.
Why? Do you think I'm going to try and get back in, do you? Some would like to, they can't face it outside.
Listen mate, you're never going to see me hammering on this door, crying, "Let me in," I'll tell you.
Right then.
You'd better move on a bit sharpish.
All right.
All right.
Oi.
Oi! Let me in.
Beer, please.
What's up? Oh, it doesn't matter.
JC.
Oh, and one cheese and tomato, please.
I haven't got any.
Oh, well, ham will do, then.
There's no sandwiches, I haven't make them up yet.
What have you got, then? Scotch eggs.
I'm not eating Scotch eggs! I'm not eating anything Scotch.
You haven't got any Welsh eggs, have you? I'll have a sausage roll, providing it's English.
Just sold the last one.
Pork pie? Sorry.
All right, let's start again, shall we? I am famished, what can you offer me? Kit Kat.
Just a beer, here you are.
What's this? Two bob, 10p.
I want another 16p.
26p for a beer! Of course it is, where've you been? Prison! For grievous bodily harm.
I see.
You accept South African shillings, do you? Well, you do now.
Yeah, well, I'll make you another sandwich straight away.
Cheese and tomato, wasn't it? Yeah.
McEwans Tartan and a Johnnie Walker on the side.
Oi! I said, a McEwans I heard you.
Take that to him over there, will you? I believe this is yours.
Thank you, Mr Mackay.
Good God! Now, don't pretend you're surprised.
You must have known I was on this train.
What is this, surveillance? It slipped my mind entirely.
I'd have caught the earlier train.
The feeling is mutual.
Oi! Oh, you with him, then? In a manner of speaking, yes.
We are We are from the same establishment.
Oh, I see.
Sorry, sir.
The beer, the whisky.
How much is that? No, it's all right, no rush.
You might want some more.
So? So, what? First taste of freedom, is it? Expensive taste.
Cost of living.
Well, sit down.
You're making the place look untidy.
Ironical twist of fate, this, isn't it? Because it was you who first brung me up here, eh? You and old Mr Barrowclough, all them years ago.
Going down for some other poor old nerk now, are you? No, personal reasons.
Oh, yeah? Must be going to the smoke, are you? Oh, yes.
Why? None of your business.
Oh, it's that personal, is it, eh? What's her name? None of your lip, Fletcher! Oi, oi, oi! You can't talk to me like that now.
Oh no, you mustn't point your little miniature at me now.
I'm a free man now.
You and me - equal, right? Never! Never, Fletcher, not in a million years.
Oh, funeral, is it? What? Going to a funeral at the great metropolis, are you? Fletcher, I've no wish to discuss my private affairs with the likes of you.
Well, let's see If it's not a woman - and come to think of it, it couldn't be, not in that hat.
Erm You're not going down for a course, are you? Because you went to Godalming last year for one.
You're not going on leave, because you had two weeks at Easter.
Remember? You went to Aberdeen, it peed down.
Do you remember that? You're not going up for a promotional board because they passed you over last November.
How do you know all this, Fletcher? Nothing is hidden in the nick, Mr Mackay.
Of course, your birthday is coming up soon, isn't it? April 23rd - Taurus.
The bull, very appropriate.
Now, what's my birthday got to do with anything, eh? Nothing.
Unless you're coming up to compulsory retirement age.
Oh, yeah.
That's it, is it? 55, yes.
"Thanks very much, goodbye" time.
What are they going to give you, a golden truncheon? A digital clock.
Oh, dear.
Here, two whiskeys, doubles.
Yes, sir.
You're going for a job, that's your interview suit.
None of your business.
You and me both.
That's ironical and all, innit? We've both led very different lives over the past 25 years and now here we are in the same boat Jobless.
I beg your pardon! Fletcher, at least do me the courtesy of not putting me on the same footing as you.
It's right though.
We're both in the same dole queue.
Not me.
Oh, really? Have you got the qualifications to leapfrog the million and a quarter unemployed? There must still be room in this country for an honest, diligent, industrious man willing to do a hard day's work for a fair day's pay.
Oh, well, I'm not sure about that.
Industrious, diligent, honest that would make you a unique case.
They wouldn't know what to do with you.
TANNOY 'This is Stafford.
This is Stafford.
'The train now approaching Platform One 'is the 1.
18 from Carlisle.
'Calling at Rugby, Watford Junction and London Euston only' Oi! Oaksey.
Come on.
Wait for me! That's a job you could do, you know.
Pardon? Guard, on a train.
Yeah.
Suit you, that would.
Uniform man.
Exchange your truncheon for a flag and whistle.
I intend to seek a position with a little more dignity than a railway guard.
Traffic warden? Why do you assume that I need a uniform? Because you've always had one.
You've always hidden behind that mantle of security, haven't you? Eh? When you were a boy you left school in schoolboy uniform, straight into the Army.
Boy soldier, right the way up to sergeant major.
It's all in your file, I've read it.
I only became a boy solider out of experience.
Too many mouths in our family to feed.
Lanarkshire coalfields, unemployment, hard times.
I can't argue.
The Army became a kind of a home, but one that I was grateful and proud to serve.
Then you went straight into the prison service.
You've never been out in the cold, have you? You're wrong there.
Absolutely wrong.
Let me tell you, between 1951 and 1953 My wife, Marie and I ran a boarding house in Peebles The Strathclyde.
Ah, that would have been cold.
Yes, right.
But that didn't last five minutes, did it? How do you know that? That was never in my file.
It stands to reason, doesn't it? With Sergeant Major Mackay as a landlady, eh? "Lights out, ten o'clock, stand by your beds! "Who left that kipper here?" Oh, yes, you can laugh, Fletcher, you can laugh.
Strathclyde took most of my savings.
It took most of my demob pay, I tried to re-enlist.
I joined the prison service instead.
25 years later, out to pasture.
Like some retired pit pony.
Yes, but you uniform men all make the same mistake, you see.
You all do.
Screws, cops, soldiers.
You all think your loyalty is eternally appreciated by them you serve.
The Force, The Regiment "Oh, they'll look after us.
" You seem to think there's some sort of father figure up there who looks after his own.
But there's not, you know.
There's not.
There's just a computer, that's all.
A big computer decides when your time's up and gives you the chop.
Or, in your case, the clock.
It's criminal, Fletcher.
Criminal! Of course it is, that's why I know so much about it.
Listen, you are in a very precarious position, do you know that? I've seen it all happen.
Bitterness leads to resentment, you think the world owes you a living You'll probably finish up in the dock.
The dock? Yeah, the dock.
On some pathetic little charge Stealing a tin of Duraglit out of Tescos So you can polish up your medals and take them to the pawn shop.
Listen, if I was you, Fletcher, I'd pay a little less heed to my future and a bit more to your own.
You're not exactly a bright prospect, are you? No.
But I have no illusions, you see.
I've got no illusions.
I expect naff-all from society, so I shan't be disappointed.
You'll be back.
Let me tell you, Fletcher, the straight and narrow No, the straight and narrow is not as easy as you think.
You'll be back in crime in five minutes.
You'll be back inside in five months.
In YOUR uniform.
No, no.
I'm going straight.
Ho! I know, you've heard it all before and that's because I've said it all before.
But the point is, when I said it before, I didn't mean it.
I just used to say it for the parole board.
This time I am legit.
What will you do, man? What will you do? I'll do the same as you, I suppose.
I'll just pray that somebody gives us a break.
Have I offended you? No, I'm just going to pay the water bill.
Oh, right.
Have one for me, will you? It'll save me getting up.
Here, do you mind if I tidy this lot up? I do wish you would.
Would you like to settle up now? No, he's got all my money.
Hey, Fletch! It is Fletch, isn't it? Possibly.
Oaksey, remember? Oaksey.
We did time together, Maidstone.
Oaksey, Oaksey.
How are you, Oaksey? It's old Oaksey.
I heard you've been sent up again.
Yeah, yeah, well you heard right, then.
How long have you been out? Oh, ages and ages.
About three hours.
You mean this is Yeah, I'm just going home now.
Never.
It's true, it's true.
What plans have you got? My plans at the moment are very fluid.
I'll have a Scotch.
I, er I suppose you must be a bit short just at the moment, eh? I'm not exactly flush.
Well, I won't be a moment, Fletch.
Here, you seem to know a lot of people on this train.
So? You're not planning to knock it off, are you? Not till we've drunk all the beer.
Mr Tanner, listen.
Why aren't you watching our bag? The bag - that's just it.
Look, I've just met someone.
Someone Someone who could maybe take the bag off for us.
Who? A mate of mine, he's just come out of Slade Prison.
He needs a penny or two.
If Lilly Law's rumbled us, they'll be waiting, right? So, my mate can take it off for us, see? He's very reliable.
You know, he's solid.
How solid? Well, I mean, he's one of us.
Always has been.
He's in the buffet, you can judge for yourself.
I'll introduce you.
No, you get back.
Keep your eye on that bag.
Feel better for that, do you? Shouldn't we have got another couple in? Oh, that's a good idea, yeah.
While you're doing that, I'll go and let a couple out.
I beg your pardon? I'm going to have my first civilian slash.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning to you.
Someone just mentioned to me that you are on your way from Slade Prison.
Oh.
Who might that be? Oh, a friend of mine.
The chances are, if you recognise me they're no friend of mine.
On the contrary, he spoke very highly of you.
Did he? He said you were a man of integrity, a man one could trust.
Well, I like to think so.
Erm, London? Yes.
And then what? Well, it depends how I get fixed up.
Are you looking for a job? A position, position.
Perhaps I could help you there.
I hardly May I? Please do.
Thank you.
I mean, would I have the qualifications? Oh, trust, integrity.
Absolutely! £1.
38.
Oh, no, no, allow me.
No.
No, no.
Thank you so much.
Keep the change.
Thank you.
Argyll.
What? Your tie.
Argyll and Southerland Highlanders, isn't it? You recognise it, do you? Yeah.
Oh, yes.
16 years, man and boy.
Warrant Officer Class 2.
I would have guessed it, Sergeant Major.
Are you a military man yourself? Green Howards - Major.
Sir! A long time ago.
Nevertheless, we know, Sir.
Comrades in arms, that sort of thing.
It's no coincidence that this country has gone to the dogs since the abolition of National Service.
Look, I'll get straight to the point.
I need to leave this train at Watford but it's very important I have something delivered in London - a bag.
If you could do that for me I'd be very grateful.
There would be suitable recompense.
Say nothing.
It needs to go to this address You leave it to me, Sir.
Is this your head office? "Ed's Paint and Body Shop, Mile End Road.
" Do this right and we might see later about something more permanent.
Well, Sir.
There we are.
I will get the bag to you, by and by.
Very good.
Cheers.
TANNOY 'Watford junction, Watford junction.
' 'The train now arriving at Platform Eight is the 3.
31.
' Hey, Fletch.
All right, say no more.
Here! TANNOY 'The train now standing at Platform Eight 'is the 3.
31 from London Euston only.
' Tanner.
'The train approaching Platform Five is the 3.
33.
' What's all this? Where is it? I'm clean.
Clean! What for? You can't do this.
It's not right.
WHISTLE BLOWS Bleeding hell, it's the crown jewels.
Fletcher? What? Norman Stanley Fletcher.
So? Don't be coy, Fletch, I collared you once.
Oh, yes, Scotcher, isn't it? What's in the bag? What bag? That bag.
This bag? Yeah.
What's in it? Why? I've got a right to know.
No.
You've got no right to come on this train and harass me.
Come on, Fletch.
A job has been done.
The perpetrators are on this train and I meet you.
You don't have to be Colombo to put two and two together.
Come on, Mr Scotcher, give us a break.
I hate to mess up your hypothesis, but I've just come out from Slade Prison today.
This is my first bleeding day of freedom, this is.
First day out? Yes, yes.
It's easily provable.
He'll prove it for you.
Who's he? This is Senior Prison Officer Mackay, this is.
What's going on? What's going on here? Excuse me.
Scotcher, Flying Squad.
Is this man known to you? Have you been at it already, Fletcher? Oh, come on, Mr Mackay.
Just alibi me out of this lot, will you? Are you who he says you are, sir? I don't know who he said I was, but I am Senior Prison Officer Mackay.
And this man left Slade Prison today? Yes, he did.
What's all this about? There was a jewellers done at Stafford.
The getaway driver lost his nerve and the others whipped into the station.
Well, you've got the wrong man here.
He got on the train with me at Carlisle.
So did I.
We got a couple of them, but they didn't have the gear.
That's why I'm assuming it's still on the train.
You'd better go and look for it.
On your way, then.
Right, let's have a look in this bag first.
Hold on! Wait a minute, wait a minute.
That's my bag.
Hey? Yours? Certainly.
What was Fletcher holding it for, then? I was minding it, see.
Cos he was asleep and there's a lot of criminals that use this line.
I'll be seeing you, Fletch.
No, you won't, I'm going straight.
We've heard that one before, haven't we? You're a marked man, Fletcher.
Why did you say it was your bag? Simple, because I knew it wasn't yours.
Too right it wasn't mine, someone came and dumped it here.
Just exactly as I imagined.
It must be mine.
A fellow left a bag, didn't want to wake me.
What do you mean, it must be yours? A little commission that came my way while you were having a Jimmy Riddle.
A military acquaintance of mine asked me to deliver this bag for him in London and then we're going to discuss something more permanent.
HE LAUGHS Would you Adam and Eve it, eh? What is so amusing? Oh dear, if you was caught delivering that bag, Mr Mackay, you'd be discussing something VERY permanentwith a judge! I don't follow you.
Mr Mackay, you and I are old adversaries, aren't we, eh? Believe me, nothing would give me greater pleasure than to drop you right in the Clerk's.
But I can't, I can't.
You see, it's day one of a new leaf.
Besides, you've done me a great favour, even if you didn't know it.
Fletcher, would you try and make some sense.
Have a shufti in the bag.
Betray a confidence.
Never! I think you should.
Good God! Yeah.
Well, we've got to hand this over to the authorities.
Think a bit.
Sit and think a bit.
No.
Listen, if you go and get the law you'll finish up in court! You'll have to admit to being conned into being their bag man, won't you, eh? Right proper banana you're going to look then.
Especially looking for a job.
What's Securicor going to say to that at the interview, eh? Well, what do you suggest, Fletcher? It's not our bag, is it? Get your coat.
Let's leave it for the cleaners to find.
I mean, he's gone.
Look - he's shut his buffet up, hasn't he? Let's just mosey off to our individual compartments, right.
Fletcher, I think that's an excellent idea.
Listen, let that be a lesson to you.
Remember, the straight and narrow is not as easy as what you think.
No.
Fletcher.
Oh, Ta-ta.
Shocking waste though, innit? # I'm going straight, I am # Straight as an arrow # I've paid the price # And done the time # I'm going straight, I am # Along the straight and narrow # And I don't mean # Straight back to crime.
#
# Sign it.
You what? The receipt, sign it.
What, just like that? Without so much as a cursory perusal? What's to peruse? These are my possessions here, Mr Kirby, what I come in with.
It may very well be that during the intervening years, well Well, what? Well, I'm just saying.
Just saying what? You know Fletcher, are you implying there are people in this prison who might resort to stealing? Yeah, about 800 of them.
What, steal this rubbish?! It's not rubbish, these are my possessions.
Go on, check 'em off.
If anything's missing, take it up with Lloyds.
One penknife, tartan.
Yes.
One belt, brown.
Yes.
One South African shilling.
Eh? Oh, yeah, look at that.
One tin of corn plasters.
Yeah.
One Hang on, hold your horses, hold your horses.
One tin of corn plasters - containing one, two, three, four - one of these is missing, look.
Can we get on? You don't get bad feet, do you? Where's my billiard chalk? Someone's used that and all.
It's got a hole in.
One billiard chalk - used.
One keyring, Tottenham Hotspur, two keys.
Yeah.
One receipt, shoe repairers.
Oh, that's what it is, yeah.
Look at that.
Brown brogue, soled and heeled.
I wonder if they're ready yet? One Ladbrokes pocket diary for 1974.
Yeah, that's right.
Hang on, just have a shufti here.
See what I've writ here.
Look at that, see? No entry after September 11th, that fateful day.
I've written, "A tragic misdirection of a jury by a biased judge.
" £1 each way, Laughing Boy, Haydock Park.
You spelt "biased" wrong.
Yeah, spelt "Laughing Boy" wrong and all.
It should have been Red Rum.
Look at that.
"Fond farewell to wife and family.
"Remind our Ingrid to collect my shoe repairs.
" Can we get on? Not much of a sentimentalist, are you? No.
You know, Mr Kirby, in all the time I've been staying at this hotel, I don't think I've ever seen you smile.
Fletcher, you haven't been out for three and a half years.
Three years, eight months, four days, Sir.
Let me promise you something.
There's precious little to smile about out there.
To you, maybe not, no.
But what you take for granted will be objects of unsurpassable joy to me, you know.
Like having hot water to shave in, clean sheets, The right to sit on your own lavatory for as long as it takes to read The Sun.
About a minute and a half.
Privacy, warmth, no smell of disinfectant or waterlogged cabbage.
The right to sit by the flickering flames of your own artificial log gas fire.
Gas bills, hot water bills all sorts of bills.
Bigger bills than when you came in.
Privacy, warmthin a dole queue? I'll be all right.
Oh, well, if the worst comes to the worst, you can always send this lot up to Sotheby's for auction.
Good luck, son.
Not before time, is it? I've done my porridge.
Aye, you're right.
Your time will come, don't worry.
I'm the last of our little crowd, eh? Yes, our little sewing circle, yes.
Lenny's gone, Warren, Lukewarm They've all embarked on their fresh starts in life.
Some more fresh than others.
I had a letter from Lukewarm.
Hey, how's he doing? Not too good, his case comes up on Wednesday.
No.
He's only been out three months.
It's a bit difficult for him, being a bitlilac, you know what I mean? Who cares? Everybody's tolerant about things like that.
Not in Middlesbrough, Jock.
No, no, no.
What did they do him for, anyway? Who, Lukewarm? Stealing a lady's handbag.
Of course he swears it was a mistake.
He said he reckoned it was his own.
It's not easy, Fletch.
We know that.
We've both been in and out often enough.
Yes, well, this is it for me.
Oh, aye.
I know, I've said it all before.
Yeah, I know I have.
But now, at my age, I've decided it's time I started to act my age.
Do you know, there's very few people in any prisons who're over 35.
Did you know that? It's surprising, isn't it? Well, this time for me it's not, "Au revoir," it is, "Goodbye," right? I'm 45, you know.
45 years of age.
And I've worked out that I've spent about seven days - on average - seven days out of every 30 in some nick or another.
That's a week in every month, innit? Shocking waste.
I've done worse than you, in and out since I was 14.
And before that there was the orphanage, which was another kind of prison.
It is more difficult for your lot, there's a lot of prejudice against you.
It's not easy being half-black.
I'm not talking about being half-black, I'm talking about being half-Scotch.
Dinnae be daft.
People are not prejudiced against the Scots.
I am.
You are.
That's because Mackay's a Scot.
It's Mackay you hate, really.
You've noticed, have you? You know, you're lucky he's not black, then you wouldn't be allowed to hate him, would you? That is true.
That's very true, yeah.
I shall miss hating him, though.
If there was two things I could take away from this prison as souvenirs, do you know what they'd be? What? I'll give you a clue.
They both belong to Mr Mackay.
Well, off you go, then.
Just a minute, just a minute.
Left something behind, have you? Yeah, three and a half years of my life.
Right, then, off you go.
I want to hear this door shut behind me first.
I'm supposed to see you off the premises.
Why? Do you think I'm going to try and get back in, do you? Some would like to, they can't face it outside.
Listen mate, you're never going to see me hammering on this door, crying, "Let me in," I'll tell you.
Right then.
You'd better move on a bit sharpish.
All right.
All right.
Oi.
Oi! Let me in.
Beer, please.
What's up? Oh, it doesn't matter.
JC.
Oh, and one cheese and tomato, please.
I haven't got any.
Oh, well, ham will do, then.
There's no sandwiches, I haven't make them up yet.
What have you got, then? Scotch eggs.
I'm not eating Scotch eggs! I'm not eating anything Scotch.
You haven't got any Welsh eggs, have you? I'll have a sausage roll, providing it's English.
Just sold the last one.
Pork pie? Sorry.
All right, let's start again, shall we? I am famished, what can you offer me? Kit Kat.
Just a beer, here you are.
What's this? Two bob, 10p.
I want another 16p.
26p for a beer! Of course it is, where've you been? Prison! For grievous bodily harm.
I see.
You accept South African shillings, do you? Well, you do now.
Yeah, well, I'll make you another sandwich straight away.
Cheese and tomato, wasn't it? Yeah.
McEwans Tartan and a Johnnie Walker on the side.
Oi! I said, a McEwans I heard you.
Take that to him over there, will you? I believe this is yours.
Thank you, Mr Mackay.
Good God! Now, don't pretend you're surprised.
You must have known I was on this train.
What is this, surveillance? It slipped my mind entirely.
I'd have caught the earlier train.
The feeling is mutual.
Oi! Oh, you with him, then? In a manner of speaking, yes.
We are We are from the same establishment.
Oh, I see.
Sorry, sir.
The beer, the whisky.
How much is that? No, it's all right, no rush.
You might want some more.
So? So, what? First taste of freedom, is it? Expensive taste.
Cost of living.
Well, sit down.
You're making the place look untidy.
Ironical twist of fate, this, isn't it? Because it was you who first brung me up here, eh? You and old Mr Barrowclough, all them years ago.
Going down for some other poor old nerk now, are you? No, personal reasons.
Oh, yeah? Must be going to the smoke, are you? Oh, yes.
Why? None of your business.
Oh, it's that personal, is it, eh? What's her name? None of your lip, Fletcher! Oi, oi, oi! You can't talk to me like that now.
Oh no, you mustn't point your little miniature at me now.
I'm a free man now.
You and me - equal, right? Never! Never, Fletcher, not in a million years.
Oh, funeral, is it? What? Going to a funeral at the great metropolis, are you? Fletcher, I've no wish to discuss my private affairs with the likes of you.
Well, let's see If it's not a woman - and come to think of it, it couldn't be, not in that hat.
Erm You're not going down for a course, are you? Because you went to Godalming last year for one.
You're not going on leave, because you had two weeks at Easter.
Remember? You went to Aberdeen, it peed down.
Do you remember that? You're not going up for a promotional board because they passed you over last November.
How do you know all this, Fletcher? Nothing is hidden in the nick, Mr Mackay.
Of course, your birthday is coming up soon, isn't it? April 23rd - Taurus.
The bull, very appropriate.
Now, what's my birthday got to do with anything, eh? Nothing.
Unless you're coming up to compulsory retirement age.
Oh, yeah.
That's it, is it? 55, yes.
"Thanks very much, goodbye" time.
What are they going to give you, a golden truncheon? A digital clock.
Oh, dear.
Here, two whiskeys, doubles.
Yes, sir.
You're going for a job, that's your interview suit.
None of your business.
You and me both.
That's ironical and all, innit? We've both led very different lives over the past 25 years and now here we are in the same boat Jobless.
I beg your pardon! Fletcher, at least do me the courtesy of not putting me on the same footing as you.
It's right though.
We're both in the same dole queue.
Not me.
Oh, really? Have you got the qualifications to leapfrog the million and a quarter unemployed? There must still be room in this country for an honest, diligent, industrious man willing to do a hard day's work for a fair day's pay.
Oh, well, I'm not sure about that.
Industrious, diligent, honest that would make you a unique case.
They wouldn't know what to do with you.
TANNOY 'This is Stafford.
This is Stafford.
'The train now approaching Platform One 'is the 1.
18 from Carlisle.
'Calling at Rugby, Watford Junction and London Euston only' Oi! Oaksey.
Come on.
Wait for me! That's a job you could do, you know.
Pardon? Guard, on a train.
Yeah.
Suit you, that would.
Uniform man.
Exchange your truncheon for a flag and whistle.
I intend to seek a position with a little more dignity than a railway guard.
Traffic warden? Why do you assume that I need a uniform? Because you've always had one.
You've always hidden behind that mantle of security, haven't you? Eh? When you were a boy you left school in schoolboy uniform, straight into the Army.
Boy soldier, right the way up to sergeant major.
It's all in your file, I've read it.
I only became a boy solider out of experience.
Too many mouths in our family to feed.
Lanarkshire coalfields, unemployment, hard times.
I can't argue.
The Army became a kind of a home, but one that I was grateful and proud to serve.
Then you went straight into the prison service.
You've never been out in the cold, have you? You're wrong there.
Absolutely wrong.
Let me tell you, between 1951 and 1953 My wife, Marie and I ran a boarding house in Peebles The Strathclyde.
Ah, that would have been cold.
Yes, right.
But that didn't last five minutes, did it? How do you know that? That was never in my file.
It stands to reason, doesn't it? With Sergeant Major Mackay as a landlady, eh? "Lights out, ten o'clock, stand by your beds! "Who left that kipper here?" Oh, yes, you can laugh, Fletcher, you can laugh.
Strathclyde took most of my savings.
It took most of my demob pay, I tried to re-enlist.
I joined the prison service instead.
25 years later, out to pasture.
Like some retired pit pony.
Yes, but you uniform men all make the same mistake, you see.
You all do.
Screws, cops, soldiers.
You all think your loyalty is eternally appreciated by them you serve.
The Force, The Regiment "Oh, they'll look after us.
" You seem to think there's some sort of father figure up there who looks after his own.
But there's not, you know.
There's not.
There's just a computer, that's all.
A big computer decides when your time's up and gives you the chop.
Or, in your case, the clock.
It's criminal, Fletcher.
Criminal! Of course it is, that's why I know so much about it.
Listen, you are in a very precarious position, do you know that? I've seen it all happen.
Bitterness leads to resentment, you think the world owes you a living You'll probably finish up in the dock.
The dock? Yeah, the dock.
On some pathetic little charge Stealing a tin of Duraglit out of Tescos So you can polish up your medals and take them to the pawn shop.
Listen, if I was you, Fletcher, I'd pay a little less heed to my future and a bit more to your own.
You're not exactly a bright prospect, are you? No.
But I have no illusions, you see.
I've got no illusions.
I expect naff-all from society, so I shan't be disappointed.
You'll be back.
Let me tell you, Fletcher, the straight and narrow No, the straight and narrow is not as easy as you think.
You'll be back in crime in five minutes.
You'll be back inside in five months.
In YOUR uniform.
No, no.
I'm going straight.
Ho! I know, you've heard it all before and that's because I've said it all before.
But the point is, when I said it before, I didn't mean it.
I just used to say it for the parole board.
This time I am legit.
What will you do, man? What will you do? I'll do the same as you, I suppose.
I'll just pray that somebody gives us a break.
Have I offended you? No, I'm just going to pay the water bill.
Oh, right.
Have one for me, will you? It'll save me getting up.
Here, do you mind if I tidy this lot up? I do wish you would.
Would you like to settle up now? No, he's got all my money.
Hey, Fletch! It is Fletch, isn't it? Possibly.
Oaksey, remember? Oaksey.
We did time together, Maidstone.
Oaksey, Oaksey.
How are you, Oaksey? It's old Oaksey.
I heard you've been sent up again.
Yeah, yeah, well you heard right, then.
How long have you been out? Oh, ages and ages.
About three hours.
You mean this is Yeah, I'm just going home now.
Never.
It's true, it's true.
What plans have you got? My plans at the moment are very fluid.
I'll have a Scotch.
I, er I suppose you must be a bit short just at the moment, eh? I'm not exactly flush.
Well, I won't be a moment, Fletch.
Here, you seem to know a lot of people on this train.
So? You're not planning to knock it off, are you? Not till we've drunk all the beer.
Mr Tanner, listen.
Why aren't you watching our bag? The bag - that's just it.
Look, I've just met someone.
Someone Someone who could maybe take the bag off for us.
Who? A mate of mine, he's just come out of Slade Prison.
He needs a penny or two.
If Lilly Law's rumbled us, they'll be waiting, right? So, my mate can take it off for us, see? He's very reliable.
You know, he's solid.
How solid? Well, I mean, he's one of us.
Always has been.
He's in the buffet, you can judge for yourself.
I'll introduce you.
No, you get back.
Keep your eye on that bag.
Feel better for that, do you? Shouldn't we have got another couple in? Oh, that's a good idea, yeah.
While you're doing that, I'll go and let a couple out.
I beg your pardon? I'm going to have my first civilian slash.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning to you.
Someone just mentioned to me that you are on your way from Slade Prison.
Oh.
Who might that be? Oh, a friend of mine.
The chances are, if you recognise me they're no friend of mine.
On the contrary, he spoke very highly of you.
Did he? He said you were a man of integrity, a man one could trust.
Well, I like to think so.
Erm, London? Yes.
And then what? Well, it depends how I get fixed up.
Are you looking for a job? A position, position.
Perhaps I could help you there.
I hardly May I? Please do.
Thank you.
I mean, would I have the qualifications? Oh, trust, integrity.
Absolutely! £1.
38.
Oh, no, no, allow me.
No.
No, no.
Thank you so much.
Keep the change.
Thank you.
Argyll.
What? Your tie.
Argyll and Southerland Highlanders, isn't it? You recognise it, do you? Yeah.
Oh, yes.
16 years, man and boy.
Warrant Officer Class 2.
I would have guessed it, Sergeant Major.
Are you a military man yourself? Green Howards - Major.
Sir! A long time ago.
Nevertheless, we know, Sir.
Comrades in arms, that sort of thing.
It's no coincidence that this country has gone to the dogs since the abolition of National Service.
Look, I'll get straight to the point.
I need to leave this train at Watford but it's very important I have something delivered in London - a bag.
If you could do that for me I'd be very grateful.
There would be suitable recompense.
Say nothing.
It needs to go to this address You leave it to me, Sir.
Is this your head office? "Ed's Paint and Body Shop, Mile End Road.
" Do this right and we might see later about something more permanent.
Well, Sir.
There we are.
I will get the bag to you, by and by.
Very good.
Cheers.
TANNOY 'Watford junction, Watford junction.
' 'The train now arriving at Platform Eight is the 3.
31.
' Hey, Fletch.
All right, say no more.
Here! TANNOY 'The train now standing at Platform Eight 'is the 3.
31 from London Euston only.
' Tanner.
'The train approaching Platform Five is the 3.
33.
' What's all this? Where is it? I'm clean.
Clean! What for? You can't do this.
It's not right.
WHISTLE BLOWS Bleeding hell, it's the crown jewels.
Fletcher? What? Norman Stanley Fletcher.
So? Don't be coy, Fletch, I collared you once.
Oh, yes, Scotcher, isn't it? What's in the bag? What bag? That bag.
This bag? Yeah.
What's in it? Why? I've got a right to know.
No.
You've got no right to come on this train and harass me.
Come on, Fletch.
A job has been done.
The perpetrators are on this train and I meet you.
You don't have to be Colombo to put two and two together.
Come on, Mr Scotcher, give us a break.
I hate to mess up your hypothesis, but I've just come out from Slade Prison today.
This is my first bleeding day of freedom, this is.
First day out? Yes, yes.
It's easily provable.
He'll prove it for you.
Who's he? This is Senior Prison Officer Mackay, this is.
What's going on? What's going on here? Excuse me.
Scotcher, Flying Squad.
Is this man known to you? Have you been at it already, Fletcher? Oh, come on, Mr Mackay.
Just alibi me out of this lot, will you? Are you who he says you are, sir? I don't know who he said I was, but I am Senior Prison Officer Mackay.
And this man left Slade Prison today? Yes, he did.
What's all this about? There was a jewellers done at Stafford.
The getaway driver lost his nerve and the others whipped into the station.
Well, you've got the wrong man here.
He got on the train with me at Carlisle.
So did I.
We got a couple of them, but they didn't have the gear.
That's why I'm assuming it's still on the train.
You'd better go and look for it.
On your way, then.
Right, let's have a look in this bag first.
Hold on! Wait a minute, wait a minute.
That's my bag.
Hey? Yours? Certainly.
What was Fletcher holding it for, then? I was minding it, see.
Cos he was asleep and there's a lot of criminals that use this line.
I'll be seeing you, Fletch.
No, you won't, I'm going straight.
We've heard that one before, haven't we? You're a marked man, Fletcher.
Why did you say it was your bag? Simple, because I knew it wasn't yours.
Too right it wasn't mine, someone came and dumped it here.
Just exactly as I imagined.
It must be mine.
A fellow left a bag, didn't want to wake me.
What do you mean, it must be yours? A little commission that came my way while you were having a Jimmy Riddle.
A military acquaintance of mine asked me to deliver this bag for him in London and then we're going to discuss something more permanent.
HE LAUGHS Would you Adam and Eve it, eh? What is so amusing? Oh dear, if you was caught delivering that bag, Mr Mackay, you'd be discussing something VERY permanentwith a judge! I don't follow you.
Mr Mackay, you and I are old adversaries, aren't we, eh? Believe me, nothing would give me greater pleasure than to drop you right in the Clerk's.
But I can't, I can't.
You see, it's day one of a new leaf.
Besides, you've done me a great favour, even if you didn't know it.
Fletcher, would you try and make some sense.
Have a shufti in the bag.
Betray a confidence.
Never! I think you should.
Good God! Yeah.
Well, we've got to hand this over to the authorities.
Think a bit.
Sit and think a bit.
No.
Listen, if you go and get the law you'll finish up in court! You'll have to admit to being conned into being their bag man, won't you, eh? Right proper banana you're going to look then.
Especially looking for a job.
What's Securicor going to say to that at the interview, eh? Well, what do you suggest, Fletcher? It's not our bag, is it? Get your coat.
Let's leave it for the cleaners to find.
I mean, he's gone.
Look - he's shut his buffet up, hasn't he? Let's just mosey off to our individual compartments, right.
Fletcher, I think that's an excellent idea.
Listen, let that be a lesson to you.
Remember, the straight and narrow is not as easy as what you think.
No.
Fletcher.
Oh, Ta-ta.
Shocking waste though, innit? # I'm going straight, I am # Straight as an arrow # I've paid the price # And done the time # I'm going straight, I am # Along the straight and narrow # And I don't mean # Straight back to crime.
#