Golan the Insatiable (2013) s01e01 Episode Script
Ragin' Fun
[gavel bangs.]
Uh, okay, all in favor of Mrs.
Budnick's motion to straighten the bent stop sign down on 2nd street, - Say "aye" or - Aye.
Aye.
[coughs.]
All right, we've got one [heavy metal music playing.]
Cower, worthless mortals [groans.]
for you are to be honored with the presence of Golan the insatiable! Godlord terrible of Gkruool, Crusher of wills, Defiler of all! Greetings, scrawny fools of the Oak Grove city council! Thursday marks the sex moon feast of all sex.
I shall be staging a traditional death orgy, the bloodiest that any eyes have beheld at the large gazebo at Tarn Hill community park from, like, I guess 2:00 to 4:00 P.
M.
I mean, whenever people can make it.
Golan.
[chuckles.]
We've been through this.
Mackenzie B.
has already reserved the gazebo for her ninth birthday party.
[yelps.]
What?! [laughs.]
You are laughably small, Mackenzie B.
[gasps.]
I accept your challenge.
[yelps.]
You're gonna die, Mackenzie B.
Golan, if you want the gazebo, you're gonna have to fill out the proper paperwork.
Uh, yeah, you don't think I know that, Mrs.
Budnick? I tried to download the PDF, but it keeps formatting all weird and opening as a spreadsheet for some reason.
I don't understand your human technology! [shouts, screaming.]
[grunting.]
Retaliation is futile! [coughs.]
[theme music playing.]
[car honks.]
[tires screech.]
Come on, Alexis! I don't wanna be late! Mom, Dad, Keith's here.
We're going to the water park.
Bye! [tires screech.]
"Bad boy"? [blows raspberry.]
I'd like to see how much genocide this Keith has committed.
I've committed so much genocide, it's not even funny anymore.
So, um, Dylan, do you think your sister likes me? Like, if I forced myself on her, would she be cool with that or whatever? The real question is, does Barbie like her head? [high-pitched.]
No, please don't.
Ahh! Shut up, Barbie! I'm doing it! State your business, peasants! Dylan, just let me in.
I gotta talk to Golan.
Then kneel before Golan, Father! - [whispers.]
Get down.
- Sorry, Dylan, but your father is never kneeling down before anyone - in his own house.
- Come on, Dad! Bow to Golan! Come on! You're wrecking it.
Carole, it's fine.
It's easier, just let me do this.
[laughs.]
Oh, please.
Have some dignity, Richard.
You may now parlay with Golan the insatiable! Watch your step.
The carpet's bunched up right.
- Thanks, man.
- Richard.
Hello, Carole.
Golan.
[laughs.]
Golan, what's the deal with this traffic ticket I got in the mail? Did you use my car last without asking first? I did a lot of things last week without asking first.
Yeah, this lady knows what I'm talking about.
Am I right, Carole? [both laugh.]
They should call you Golan the incorrigible.
Oh, that's a great joke, Golan.
You wanna hear another joke? My license was suspended.
[laughs.]
That is funny.
And now Carol's gonna drive me to the courthouse to get this taken care of.
So, Golan, you're gonna watch Dylan while we're gone.
No! I don't care about her well-being! Yeah, Golan doesn't care if I live or die! - He's the best.
- Well, he's got no choice, because Alexis is out with that "bad boy" Keith.
Oh my god, have you seen his license plate? - Yes, that's what I'm talking about.
- Oh god, I thought I was alone.
- You can't call yourself a "bad boy.
" - I know, it's the worst.
- Oh, Richard, come on.
- Oh, you wanna do it? - All right, here we go.
- Yeah.
[laughs.]
All right, Golan, you're in charge.
We'll be back by dinner.
Yay yay yay! Ooh! Let's go on the roof and throw a brick at the mailman.
No, shut up.
If I'm gonna be saddled with this burden, then we are going to do what I want to do.
[beeps.]
I don't understand! Where are my "top chefs"? You probably didn't even record it.
Yes, I did! I have a season pass! - Give me that! - Don't grab! [beeps.]
See? Look.
You've got a season pass for "Top chef: Seattle.
" But it's in a different city this year, so it's a different name.
But it's the same show! It's like they don't even want you to watch the new season! Oh, fine, let's just watch live television like poor people.
Ragin' Fun Bayou water park is a non-stop adventure for the whole family.
I guarantee.
Raging Fun Bayou? Yes! That is where your ovulating sister Alexis is! - We shall journey there! - To the water park? Yuck! That place is full of douche bags and loose band-aids! Well, then you can have fun staying here and watching "Top chef: Texas" from three years ago.
Hopefully a pack of wolves won't show up.
Bye! [slams.]
Fine! But I'm bringing the brick.
Um, you did not announce me.
Oh shoot! Do you want me to still do it? Oh! It's too late.
Now it'll seem stupid.
Whoa.
This Bayou is raging fun.
Ooh, there's your sister.
Act cool.
[mumbles.]
Just minding my own business.
[grunts.]
Oh my god, Alexis! Right? Oh god! Dylan, Golan, what are you two doing here?! What a crazy coincidence that we should all be here - concurrently at the same time.
- Awesome, Alexis! You invited the giant monster that lives in your house? If by "lives in our house" you mean "it is ugly," then yeah.
[all laugh.]
I totally walked into that one.
Oh! Is it true you were, like, King of the dimension you came from? He was more than a king! He was a godlord, commander of all that was seen and unseen! - That is so hot.
- You should totally hang with us, Golan! You too, little boy.
[all laughing.]
Yes, the sex of human children is easily mistakable.
- Good one, Keith.
- [whispering.]
What the hell, Golan? I thought you wanted to kill Keith.
- That was before he wanted to hang.
- But he is a crap face.
Actually, Keith and I have a lot in common.
We're both bad boys.
You wouldn't understand.
[screams, splashes.]
Whoa! The beast! Monster bro, are you tough enough to battle the beast? I shall vanquish it! Golan, wait! I'm not tall enough to go on the stupid slide.
Well, it sucks for you.
You can wait at the bottom with all the other little midgets.
Keith, wait up! I wanna stand next to you in line! [growls.]
Keith, I'm coming! [screams.]
Go, Keith! [laughs.]
[bird screeches.]
Please cross your arms and legs.
Golan the insatiable does not adhere to rules.
All right, but you're the one who's gonna get 1,000 gallons of water up your butt.
I welcome it! Whee! Cheese! [camera clicking.]
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Water park patrons! Bear witness to the ecstasy of my victory! [farts.]
Oh, Dylan! Did you see all the water that came out of my anal cavity? Dylan! Dylan? I cannot locate Dylan.
Have you guys seen her? Oh, I know, I know! Maybe somebody kidnapped her.
[all laugh.]
No, but seriously, have you seen her? No, nobody's seen her.
Nobody cares.
Come on, Golan, let's go ride that slide again! - Come on! - Um, you know what? I'll just meet you guys up at the top.
I need to go buy a world-famous drink-tar.
Dylan! Dylan.
[people screaming.]
[echoes.]
Dylan! Dylan! Dylan Beekler! [screams.]
[burbling.]
Dylan! Dylan! [register dings.]
Dylan! [sips.]
Man over P.
A.
: Dylan Beekler? Your, uh Your master is looking for you.
Please report to the main oh god! Golan: Give me that! Ready your ears Wait, do I have to hold this button down? I've been on the whole time? Okay.
[clears throat.]
Ready your fat ears, patrons of Raging Fun Bayou.
This addressment is for the abductors of my young acolyte, Dylan Beekler.
You will die by my hands.
I pledge that not only shall I brutally dismember you, I shall sexualize your remains in front of your loved ones.
In this you have the word of Golan the insatiable! [echoing.]
- Golan! Golan! - [gasps.]
Keith? [roars.]
Golan, look who I [screams.]
I should've known it was you! [shouts.]
[Dylan screams, thuds.]
Yes! [snaps.]
Get him! [pounding.]
[Keith grunts.]
You're not a bad boy! You're a douche bag! And now for my favorite part sexualizing the remains.
Stop stop! What are you doing?! Keith didn't kidnap Dylan! He found her! The little lesbian was hiding in the food court stealing people's french fries! Wait, so you weren't abducted then? [groaning.]
No.
You were being a little bitch, so I took off.
[chuckles.]
Sorry, Keith, my bad.
[siren chirps.]
[crying hysterically.]
[heart monitor beeping.]
No! It's not your time, Keith! I want to have your baby! Hey, so I took the liberty of putting his penis in my drink-tar and filling it up with ice, - so here you go.
- What? He's not missing his penis.
Huh.
Then whose penis is this? I don't know.
[frustrated shout.]
You're right, Dylan.
This place is gross.
So I guess you do care if I live or die.
- I don't.
- Then why'd you paralyze - Keith with a brick? - 'Cause I oh, shut up.
Hey, here you go, big guy, a free drink-tar.
Don't worry, there's no penis in it.
[slurps.]
Dylan: and then he punched Keith, then he punched him again and again and again! - It was awesome! - Dylan, it is so good to see you smile.
- Thanks, Golan, I owe you one.
- Oh, Carole, she's joking.
- [whispers.]
What are you doing? - I guess Keith wasn't such a "bad boy" after all.
[laughter.]
Yeah, I don't think you can fit "I may or may not ever wake up from this coma" on a vanity plate.
Richard: Oh, Golan! But in all seriousness, we're really pulling for the guy, Alexis.
Oh, shut up, Golan! You're all crazy! [kids laugh.]
Man: Oh god!
Uh, okay, all in favor of Mrs.
Budnick's motion to straighten the bent stop sign down on 2nd street, - Say "aye" or - Aye.
Aye.
[coughs.]
All right, we've got one [heavy metal music playing.]
Cower, worthless mortals [groans.]
for you are to be honored with the presence of Golan the insatiable! Godlord terrible of Gkruool, Crusher of wills, Defiler of all! Greetings, scrawny fools of the Oak Grove city council! Thursday marks the sex moon feast of all sex.
I shall be staging a traditional death orgy, the bloodiest that any eyes have beheld at the large gazebo at Tarn Hill community park from, like, I guess 2:00 to 4:00 P.
M.
I mean, whenever people can make it.
Golan.
[chuckles.]
We've been through this.
Mackenzie B.
has already reserved the gazebo for her ninth birthday party.
[yelps.]
What?! [laughs.]
You are laughably small, Mackenzie B.
[gasps.]
I accept your challenge.
[yelps.]
You're gonna die, Mackenzie B.
Golan, if you want the gazebo, you're gonna have to fill out the proper paperwork.
Uh, yeah, you don't think I know that, Mrs.
Budnick? I tried to download the PDF, but it keeps formatting all weird and opening as a spreadsheet for some reason.
I don't understand your human technology! [shouts, screaming.]
[grunting.]
Retaliation is futile! [coughs.]
[theme music playing.]
[car honks.]
[tires screech.]
Come on, Alexis! I don't wanna be late! Mom, Dad, Keith's here.
We're going to the water park.
Bye! [tires screech.]
"Bad boy"? [blows raspberry.]
I'd like to see how much genocide this Keith has committed.
I've committed so much genocide, it's not even funny anymore.
So, um, Dylan, do you think your sister likes me? Like, if I forced myself on her, would she be cool with that or whatever? The real question is, does Barbie like her head? [high-pitched.]
No, please don't.
Ahh! Shut up, Barbie! I'm doing it! State your business, peasants! Dylan, just let me in.
I gotta talk to Golan.
Then kneel before Golan, Father! - [whispers.]
Get down.
- Sorry, Dylan, but your father is never kneeling down before anyone - in his own house.
- Come on, Dad! Bow to Golan! Come on! You're wrecking it.
Carole, it's fine.
It's easier, just let me do this.
[laughs.]
Oh, please.
Have some dignity, Richard.
You may now parlay with Golan the insatiable! Watch your step.
The carpet's bunched up right.
- Thanks, man.
- Richard.
Hello, Carole.
Golan.
[laughs.]
Golan, what's the deal with this traffic ticket I got in the mail? Did you use my car last without asking first? I did a lot of things last week without asking first.
Yeah, this lady knows what I'm talking about.
Am I right, Carole? [both laugh.]
They should call you Golan the incorrigible.
Oh, that's a great joke, Golan.
You wanna hear another joke? My license was suspended.
[laughs.]
That is funny.
And now Carol's gonna drive me to the courthouse to get this taken care of.
So, Golan, you're gonna watch Dylan while we're gone.
No! I don't care about her well-being! Yeah, Golan doesn't care if I live or die! - He's the best.
- Well, he's got no choice, because Alexis is out with that "bad boy" Keith.
Oh my god, have you seen his license plate? - Yes, that's what I'm talking about.
- Oh god, I thought I was alone.
- You can't call yourself a "bad boy.
" - I know, it's the worst.
- Oh, Richard, come on.
- Oh, you wanna do it? - All right, here we go.
- Yeah.
[laughs.]
All right, Golan, you're in charge.
We'll be back by dinner.
Yay yay yay! Ooh! Let's go on the roof and throw a brick at the mailman.
No, shut up.
If I'm gonna be saddled with this burden, then we are going to do what I want to do.
[beeps.]
I don't understand! Where are my "top chefs"? You probably didn't even record it.
Yes, I did! I have a season pass! - Give me that! - Don't grab! [beeps.]
See? Look.
You've got a season pass for "Top chef: Seattle.
" But it's in a different city this year, so it's a different name.
But it's the same show! It's like they don't even want you to watch the new season! Oh, fine, let's just watch live television like poor people.
Ragin' Fun Bayou water park is a non-stop adventure for the whole family.
I guarantee.
Raging Fun Bayou? Yes! That is where your ovulating sister Alexis is! - We shall journey there! - To the water park? Yuck! That place is full of douche bags and loose band-aids! Well, then you can have fun staying here and watching "Top chef: Texas" from three years ago.
Hopefully a pack of wolves won't show up.
Bye! [slams.]
Fine! But I'm bringing the brick.
Um, you did not announce me.
Oh shoot! Do you want me to still do it? Oh! It's too late.
Now it'll seem stupid.
Whoa.
This Bayou is raging fun.
Ooh, there's your sister.
Act cool.
[mumbles.]
Just minding my own business.
[grunts.]
Oh my god, Alexis! Right? Oh god! Dylan, Golan, what are you two doing here?! What a crazy coincidence that we should all be here - concurrently at the same time.
- Awesome, Alexis! You invited the giant monster that lives in your house? If by "lives in our house" you mean "it is ugly," then yeah.
[all laugh.]
I totally walked into that one.
Oh! Is it true you were, like, King of the dimension you came from? He was more than a king! He was a godlord, commander of all that was seen and unseen! - That is so hot.
- You should totally hang with us, Golan! You too, little boy.
[all laughing.]
Yes, the sex of human children is easily mistakable.
- Good one, Keith.
- [whispering.]
What the hell, Golan? I thought you wanted to kill Keith.
- That was before he wanted to hang.
- But he is a crap face.
Actually, Keith and I have a lot in common.
We're both bad boys.
You wouldn't understand.
[screams, splashes.]
Whoa! The beast! Monster bro, are you tough enough to battle the beast? I shall vanquish it! Golan, wait! I'm not tall enough to go on the stupid slide.
Well, it sucks for you.
You can wait at the bottom with all the other little midgets.
Keith, wait up! I wanna stand next to you in line! [growls.]
Keith, I'm coming! [screams.]
Go, Keith! [laughs.]
[bird screeches.]
Please cross your arms and legs.
Golan the insatiable does not adhere to rules.
All right, but you're the one who's gonna get 1,000 gallons of water up your butt.
I welcome it! Whee! Cheese! [camera clicking.]
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Water park patrons! Bear witness to the ecstasy of my victory! [farts.]
Oh, Dylan! Did you see all the water that came out of my anal cavity? Dylan! Dylan? I cannot locate Dylan.
Have you guys seen her? Oh, I know, I know! Maybe somebody kidnapped her.
[all laugh.]
No, but seriously, have you seen her? No, nobody's seen her.
Nobody cares.
Come on, Golan, let's go ride that slide again! - Come on! - Um, you know what? I'll just meet you guys up at the top.
I need to go buy a world-famous drink-tar.
Dylan! Dylan.
[people screaming.]
[echoes.]
Dylan! Dylan! Dylan Beekler! [screams.]
[burbling.]
Dylan! Dylan! [register dings.]
Dylan! [sips.]
Man over P.
A.
: Dylan Beekler? Your, uh Your master is looking for you.
Please report to the main oh god! Golan: Give me that! Ready your ears Wait, do I have to hold this button down? I've been on the whole time? Okay.
[clears throat.]
Ready your fat ears, patrons of Raging Fun Bayou.
This addressment is for the abductors of my young acolyte, Dylan Beekler.
You will die by my hands.
I pledge that not only shall I brutally dismember you, I shall sexualize your remains in front of your loved ones.
In this you have the word of Golan the insatiable! [echoing.]
- Golan! Golan! - [gasps.]
Keith? [roars.]
Golan, look who I [screams.]
I should've known it was you! [shouts.]
[Dylan screams, thuds.]
Yes! [snaps.]
Get him! [pounding.]
[Keith grunts.]
You're not a bad boy! You're a douche bag! And now for my favorite part sexualizing the remains.
Stop stop! What are you doing?! Keith didn't kidnap Dylan! He found her! The little lesbian was hiding in the food court stealing people's french fries! Wait, so you weren't abducted then? [groaning.]
No.
You were being a little bitch, so I took off.
[chuckles.]
Sorry, Keith, my bad.
[siren chirps.]
[crying hysterically.]
[heart monitor beeping.]
No! It's not your time, Keith! I want to have your baby! Hey, so I took the liberty of putting his penis in my drink-tar and filling it up with ice, - so here you go.
- What? He's not missing his penis.
Huh.
Then whose penis is this? I don't know.
[frustrated shout.]
You're right, Dylan.
This place is gross.
So I guess you do care if I live or die.
- I don't.
- Then why'd you paralyze - Keith with a brick? - 'Cause I oh, shut up.
Hey, here you go, big guy, a free drink-tar.
Don't worry, there's no penis in it.
[slurps.]
Dylan: and then he punched Keith, then he punched him again and again and again! - It was awesome! - Dylan, it is so good to see you smile.
- Thanks, Golan, I owe you one.
- Oh, Carole, she's joking.
- [whispers.]
What are you doing? - I guess Keith wasn't such a "bad boy" after all.
[laughter.]
Yeah, I don't think you can fit "I may or may not ever wake up from this coma" on a vanity plate.
Richard: Oh, Golan! But in all seriousness, we're really pulling for the guy, Alexis.
Oh, shut up, Golan! You're all crazy! [kids laugh.]
Man: Oh god!