Grand Crew (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

1 For ages, the Black man has been seen as many things.
As sketchy, as wild, as arrogant and insensitive, but I'm going to let you in on a little secret about Black men.
We have a softer, more sensitive side.
That's right.
We love.
The flowers are for his mom.
And it ain't even Mother's Day.
We laugh.
Trust me.
That dude is a joy to be around.
We care.
This guy cares about animals.
That's a bean burrito, for your information.
And believe it or not, we cry.
My man gets sad sometimes, and that's okay.
What I'm saying is We got layers, y'all.
Our multitudes got multitudes.
It feels so good - - to get this off my chest.
Thank you for letting me share.
Let's explore all of this a bit more, shall we? [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Hey, here you go, guys.
Hey, baby.
Hey.
Okay.
- [GIGGLES.]
- [SIGHS.]
Damn, homey, I know I said don't bang where we hang, but you got her slobbing on the job, so it must be going well.
- How long's it been now? - Four months.
The thing about her is, I've never been in love with someone more in my entire life.
- What? - Full stop.
Bro, you out here looking like a trampoline.
Extra sprung.
Boing, boing.
Oh, he's been like this ever since we were kids.
In elementary school, every Halloween, he would dress up as a loving husband.
- What? - What is that costume? Okay, shut it down for a second, okay? Because you guys are making it sound like I'm a sap, and I'm definitely not, okay? Lest we forget, I used to be out on these date streets running hella game, okay? Dates on dates on dates on dates on dates on dates.
It's just with Alicia, you know, she's she's special.
Oh, come on, man, every other girl you meet is special or one of a kind or had you at hello.
But I know what's really going on.
The sex is bomb.
She must be breaking that back.
[LAUGHTER.]
For the last time, can we please not talk about me having bomb sex in front of my sister? For the last time, yes, we can.
My sexuality has always been key to this group.
For example, I have a Tinder date later, and I'm hoping it ends with our crotches getting steamy.
Oh, thanks, Nicky.
That reminds me.
I'm throwing an anniversary party next week, and I expect all y'all to be there.
What did Nicky just say that reminded you of your anniversary? On our honeymoon, Kristen and I were having breakfast in bed, and I spilled mint tea on my crotch.
- Steamy crotch.
- That makes sense.
- Oh, yeah, it does.
- So speaking of anniversaries, feels like now's as good a time to tell you guys as any.
I'm gonna ask Alicia to marry me.
- BOTH: What? - Why would you do that? Wait, what's What's with the mumbles? [BOTH MUMBLING.]
Seriously, dude, I've had almond milk in my fridge longer than you've been with Alicia.
So maybe you're rushing.
Or maybe you should drink your almond milk faster.
No, man.
He's right.
No Black man should get married before age 75.
You still look the same and you get more time to sow your royal oats.
- Give me some.
- "Royal oats"? This isn't "Coming to America," and even if it was, Prince Akeem chose love over the single life.
Nah, I'm all for it.
I love my queen, and I'm excited that you gon' lock it down with yours, Noah.
Noah.
Noah.
As I said before, boing, boing.
[LAUGHS.]
What y'all say? - BOTH: Whoo! - [BOTH LAUGH.]
- That sex.
- Mm.
Wow, that was a great game out there.
I mean, you really left it all out on the court.
I know.
You you were on fire.
Hitting buckets from deep.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- [SIGHS.]
- Whoo! [LAUGHS.]
- - Sup? Sup, king? Chilling, man.
How you doing? Good, good, good.
Yo, man, have you been using my Netflix? Oh, yeah, homey, I've been watching this Japanese reality show called "Ainori Love Wagon.
" Everyone is so polite, but there's still palpable tension.
That joint goes hard.
That's great, but now my algorithm's all confused.
- All my shows are Japanese.
- You're welcome.
Or should I say [SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
- "Million Yen Women.
" - Oh, that joint goes hard.
- "Samurai Gourmet.
" - That joint goes so hard.
- "Devilman Crybaby.
" - That joint goes the hardest.
"Kantaro: The Sweet Tooth Salaryman"? Ah, correction.
That joint goes the hardest.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Okay, cool.
So it would be great if you could get your own account at some point.
- Oh, yeah.
I know, right? - Yeah, right.
Also, have you seen my kombucha? Oh, definitely.
I drank those.
The whole case? Oh, yeah, bro.
I was doing some research.
Turns out kombucha has hella benefits like reducing your risk of cancer, promoting mental health.
It's like a liquid shield.
Who knew? Can you buy me another pack, please? Oh, for sure, my guy.
Just as soon as I finishing pumping this iron.
[GRUNTING.]
And then Vin Diesel said, "Nicky, we're family now.
" Wow.
Now that was an amazing story.
- Thank you.
- This is so nice.
Just being on a date with a funny, intelligent Black woman.
Well, I guess the Lord hath blessed ya.
So tell me more about your job.
Yeah, I-I work at a hedge fund.
It definitely has its ups and downs.
- Mm-hmm.
- But hey, at least the economy's recovered, right? Thanks, Obama.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSICAL STING.]
- Ah! Intruder! Intruder! - No, no, no, no.
[BOTH SCREAM.]
- Oh, I can't see! - You picked the wrong one.
Get ready to die.
I'll cut you deep.
It's Noah.
It's Noah.
- Noah? - Yes! Boyfriend Noah.
Please don't stab.
You scared the crap out of me.
What's with this measuring tape? Oh, snap, was I Was I sleep measuring again? - Hm? - Right.
Sorry.
I was just trying to measure your ring finger to propose marriage.
I love you, Alicia.
And I I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.
- Really? - Yeah.
So what do you think? [SOFT MUSIC.]
No.
Uh Okay, so my date with Davis went really well.
He's got a sexy mind and body and smells like fresh lavender.
But at one point in the night, he did say, "Thanks, Obama.
" Wait, how'd he say it? Like, "Thanks, Obama!" It was sarcastic.
Like, "Thanks, Obama.
" Made me wonder if he was, like, a Black Republican.
But they're not out here in the streets like that, right? So what are you gonna do? I suppose the only way to figure out what he meant is to see him again and have sex with him.
Ow! Thanks, Obama.
[LAUGHS.]
Yo, this new bar is dope.
Hey, how's that tequila neat? Looks like they did a good job.
It's a tequila neat, so I guess they did a pretty good job pouring tequila in a glass.
Hold up, I sense darkness in your brightness.
What's going on? And why aren't we at Dolly Pitchers? Oh, right.
Well, Alicia and I broke up.
She figured out I was gonna propose and said that she needed some space, and I was like, "Done.
" Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
So we can't go to Dolly Pitchers anymore? - Damn! - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Let's not make him feel bad.
He just had his heart broken.
Man, I just had my heart broken too.
Dolly Pitchers gave out free hot dogs on Wednesday nights.
I just lost Weenie Wednesdays.
Weenie Wednesdays is the least of our worries.
Breakup Noah is back.
- Oh, no.
- Okay.
I knew you guys were gonna bring up how I have reacted - ALL: Overreacted.
- In the past to breakups.
But that was the old me, okay? I can handle myself now.
Man, please.
You gon' wallow, and then you gonna beg for her to take you back with your last-scene-in-a-rom-com ass.
Admit it.
You're soft like baby butt.
No.
I'm I'm hard like muscle butt.
Look, okay, I am totally fine, all right? I promise you, I'm moving on.
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, right.
Guys, I am for real.
I'm good, and we just found ourselves a new go-to bar, so I'm extra good.
Wait, what's happening? Don't worry.
Everything's fine.
This only happens every 20 minutes or so.
We should keep searching for a new bar, yeah? - ALL: Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Sup.
- Sup.
Man, I'm trying to take a little nap and that's a little loud.
You think you could get a couple decibels off that joint? Damn, my bad.
It's just the music really helps me lock into my work.
- Any chance I could leave it? - Uh, yeah.
Yeah, all right, cool.
Yeah, no problem.
Oh, hey, by the way, I got new toilet paper since it was my turn.
I just got the single ply.
It was on sale.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
But you know I like the TP with the thickness, right? Preferably the brand where the bears are taking a dump in the woods.
Yeah but it's kinda all the same to me and I didn't think you'd mind saving money since you don't have a job-job.
Oh.
You know, that's an interesting point.
I hadn't thought about it in the way you just put it.
Thank you for your consideration in this matter.
For sure.
- Sup? - Sup.
- Nothing, you? - Nothing.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Yeah, enjoy that nap.
- Thank you.
- I'ma get my Z's on.
- Do that.
- All right.
- All right.
Now a look at the weather with Danielle.
[PHONE RINGS.]
- Hey, Wyatt.
- Hey, Noah.
How you doing? How you holding up? You know, at first, I was like, shot through the heart, shout-out Bon Jovi.
But now I'm stronger than yesterday.
Shout-out Britney Spears.
We are never, ever getting back together.
Shout-out Taylor Swift.
Noah, those are the white people that you listen to when you are saddest.
Are you sure you're good? Dude, seriously, I'm I'm fine.
But enough about me.
- Like, how are you? - Oh, good.
Good.
Just putting the finishing touches on this eighth anniversary party.
You know, I want it to be perfect.
Let me run some titles by you.
"Death Won't Do Us Part Eight.
" "The 007 Plus One Year Bash.
" "Eight Night with Conan O'Versary.
" "Can't Hardly Eight.
" Hey, Noah? Noah, are you sure you're good? 'Cause I'm pitching gold over here.
Huh? Yeah.
Yeah.
I could hardly believe it When I heard the news today I had to come and get it straight from you [MICHAEL BOLTON'S "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU".]
They said you were leaving Someone swept your heart away From the look upon your face I see it's true So tell me all about it Oh, then tell me one thing more Oh, then tell me one thing more - - Before I go Tell me, how am I supposed to live without you? [GLASS CHIMES.]
I'd like to thank everyone for coming out to Wyatt and Kristen's "Twist of F8, The Future Looks Gr8.
" My wife is the smartest, kindest person that I know.
And she is so beautiful.
I mean, damn.
- Oh, damn you.
- Oh, damn you.
- Ooh, no, damn you.
- No, damn you.
- BOTH: Damn you.
- Damn you, girl.
I want to damn you all day.
You gonna damn you all day? I'm gonna damn you all night.
I love you so much, baby.
And I love you too.
- Cheers, y'all.
- ALL: Cheers.
Hey, guys.
Happy anniversary.
Aw, thanks, girl.
So good to see you.
Noah, I'd love to introduce to some of my friends now that you're back on the market.
There are some baddies here, and they're all single.
Well, I mean, as much as I love the fact that you refer to your friends as baddies, I'm actually gonna head home in a little bit.
Wow, he'd rather go home and ponder his dead relationship than stay at the party.
- Mm-hmm.
Baby butt.
- Boing, boing.
You know, I was 12% gonna go home, but I'm actually feeling a second wind.
So yeah.
Let's mingle.
You guys better grab your umbrellas, because there's about to be a torrential flirt storm.
- Okay.
- Okay.
That is a beautiful dress.
Is that Cushnie? - Um, yes.
- I'm Noah.
Nice to meet you.
[SMOOTH MUSIC.]
- You like kisses? - Excuse me? I'm sorry, I meant, quiches.
Noah.
Nice to meet you.
I come to bury Caesar, not praise him.
BOTH: The evil that men do lives after them.
The good is oft interred with their bones.
So let it be with Caesar.
Noah.
Nice to meet you.
So what's the latest with Davis? - Is he elephant or donkey? - I think he's donkey.
He's just so kind, caring, and giving in bed.
Yo, see our boy Noah over there? Permission to dance up on you? Permission granted.
[R&B MUSIC PLAYING.]
Future's looking quite great for him right now.
Meanwhile, the future's not looking so great for this bar.
Couldn't find a coaster, Ray Charles? [LAUGHS.]
Ray Charles.
That's funny 'cause he didn't see the coaster.
And the future's not looking so great for your facial hair, over here looking like a unfinished drawing.
- Ooh, that's a good visual.
- Ha, okay.
You're bald.
- Ooh, heyo.
- And you look like you grew up in a country club, you sellout.
Ooh, this was fun just a second ago.
Is everything okay between you two? Oh, I'm all good over here.
Oh, we're great.
Never better.
- I'ma gonna go this way.
- And I'ma go that way.
The [BLEEP.]
just happened? Real love I'm searching for a real love Permission to get outta here and see where the rest of the night goes? Permission granted.
Real love I'm searching [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
You're cute.
[PHONE RINGING.]
I have to take this.
Yo, this place is cool, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah, it's all right.
All right, well, next round's on me.
- Anybody need anything? - Actually, I need a tea.
I would like to have the "how was the rest of your night with Kim" tea.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- It was a great night.
You know, she's a dope person.
It was great getting to know her.
Man, cut the crap.
Did you put some miles on the mattress or zwhat? A gentleman does not kiss and tell.
So I guess I'm a bad boy, because yeah.
[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING.]
God is good.
So when you gonna see her again, bro? Oh, you know, we're hanging out next week.
Oh, that's dope.
That's dope.
That's weird, because Kristen said that Kim is going out of town all next week.
Oh, right.
Right.
I meant two weeks.
Dinner.
Little Dom's, little Italian, you know? - I see.
- Yeah.
That's also weird because Kristen said that Kim is gluten-free.
I didn't realize how close Kim and Kristen are.
That's so cool.
So you getting Italian in two weeks with a girl that can't eat pasta? Hold on.
[SNIFFS.]
You guys smell that? Smell what? I don't smell anything.
Yeah, because no one can smell their own lie pie.
You're lying.
But why? Because he did hook up, just not with Kim.
- Alicia.
- [GASPS.]
Okay, yes.
Yes, we hung out.
We talked and we're both cool with the casual thing, so we're on the same page now.
Those sound like different pages, homey.
So you can claim to be as casual as you wanna be, but sooner or later, your heart is gonna grab your brain by the shoulders and scream, "This is wack!" I disagree.
Look, I love Alicia.
And I really wanna make this work.
And all I've gotten from each of you is judgement.
Except for you, Wyatt.
Thank you.
- You've been very cool.
- Thank you.
Look, guys, we have finally found ourselves a bar that we actually like.
So can you guys just lay off me for a second and just let me enjoy my drinks in peace? All right, all right.
Ladies and gentlemen, the rave has begun.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Noah, this is all your fault, my guy.
Hey, man.
It's been a week now.
You need to give me my damn kombucha.
Who do you think you're talking to? I'll get it when I get it.
- Typical.
- Typical what? Typical you, taking your sweet time.
And typical you, always buying single ply toilet paper.
It's like wiping your butt with cotton candy.
Again with the toilet paper.
- Geez! - Oh.
Oh, so, wanna slap box now.
Oh, you're too soft for all of that.
Soft? I ain't soft.
Let's box then.
- Okay.
All right.
- Come on.
Whoo! I'm ready for you, baby.
I'm ready.
Oh, okay.
That was a quick one.
I didn't know we started yet.
- Yeah.
- All right then.
All, right, come on.
What you got? Give me your best shot.
Oh, whoa! Man, okay.
All right, okay.
Okay.
Whoo! Oh.
Whoo! Whoo! Okay.
Ah! Okay, time out.
Time out.
Time out.
I'm not I'm not stopping because I'm hurt.
I'm stopping because my hands hurt from hitting you too hard.
- Yeah.
- You got a strong jawline.
- Yeah.
- You should be proud of that.
I am.
I am actually.
And I too am stopping because my hands hurt and definitely not my face.
Look, man, when Noah introduced us, I was pumped to be living with one of his homeys from UCLA.
Yeah, well, I was pumped as well.
My homey's homey from home was bound to be my homey too.
True.
Sometimes I feel like you look down on me because I didn't go to college like the rest of y'all.
I'm smart too, man.
College wasn't for me, but I got a 1,580 on my SAT.
- Really? - Yeah, man.
Damn.
I'm a dope-ass test taker, brah.
They used to call me Bubbles in high school 'cause I was always filling in the right answers.
And because of my big, juicy butt cheeks.
[LAUGHS.]
Look, man, you one of the smartest people I know.
I mean, I didn't know you got a 1,580.
- That's just - Why, what'd you get? Huh? Right in that zone.
We both did great.
Point is, sometimes I feel like you do things to provoke me.
Yeah, I like big sweaters and my white-collar job, but that doesn't make me a sellout or any less Black than you.
Yo, I now that I hear it, I was wilding, man.
I never meant to make you feel like that.
You're definitely Black.
Sure as hell slap like it.
Yo, man, I didn't mean to make you feel belittled either.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
We cool? Mm.
[BOTH MOANING.]
Oh, you are so good at that.
I'm just trying to make you feel good.
[LAUGHS.]
- - Oh, no.
[DRAMATIC STING.]
Oh, no.
[DRAMATIC STING.]
Oh, no.
What is it? What happened? I'm sorry.
Are you a Republican? Well, yeah.
Is that a problem? But you seem so normal.
[LAUGHS.]
I am normal.
Look, why can't we just put politics to the side? I don't care that you're a Democrat.
I just care that you're funny and you're smart.
Damn, you turn me on.
Yeah? You're right.
We shouldn't let politics get in the middle of this.
You know, with you being so open-minded and all.
- Excellent.
- Yes.
[MOANS.]
What are your thoughts on reproductive rights? Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
Whoo, nope! - That was a lot of fun.
- Mm-hmm.
So when can I see you again? - Maybe next week? Let's text.
- Okay, yeah.
Just so you know, I'll probably be seeing other people, since, you know, we're doing the casual thing.
Yeah, I mean, you know, it's what's best, right? Right, and just so we clear, I will be getting intimate with said people.
For example, hugging and/or kissing and/or full-on sexual intercourse since I'm totally chill and all the way casual.
Yeah, that sounds pretty casual to me.
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[RELAXED R&B MUSIC.]
It's a 2016 de Jean Cab Franc.
Enjoy.
- Thank you.
- Great.
Okay, I know we've been trying to replace our old go-to bar, and I've been thinking, maybe we should try something completely new.
So a wine bar? Yeah.
It's a fresh start.
But you're back with Alicia again, right? We could just go back to Dolly Pitchers.
- Nah, we can't.
- Really? What happened? [BOTH LAUGH.]
Wait, this is wack.
I'm sorry, what? Look, I'm sick of pretending I'm someone I'm not.
Now, was me thinking of marriage too early insane? Yes, it was absolutely crazy.
But when I was 12 years old, my mother passed away.
And my father was never open to love after that, and he just seems so miserable.
So I always promised myself that I would rather go crazy running toward love than running away from it.
And I may have watched one too many rom-coms along the way, but I'm just a boy, standing in front of a girl, telling her I don't wanna have sex with other people.
It's too much pressure, and what if I forget which sex moves are for what person? [SIGHS.]
Goodbye, Alicia.
So is Dad's emotional barrenness after Mom died the reason why I try to collect as many dating experiences as possible while using humor to keep my walls up emotionally? Gulp-boo-da-boo! I guess we'll never know.
[LAUGHTER.]
And yeah, I wasn't just putting up a front with her.
I-I thought you guys were judging me.
But now I realize that you all were just trying to help me through this.
Ah, man, I was judging you a little.
So yes.
I am soft like baby butt.
But you know what? That's just who I am, man.
I gotta keep it 100 with myself and with y'all too.
To keeping it 100.
ALL: To keeping it 100.
This is dope Cab Franc.
It's bold with a medium body.
I think I taste notes of blackberry, maybe a little cocoa in there.
What? Maybe I read a couple books on wine.
And LeBron drinks it.
Wine is Black now.
I kinda like this place.
Yeah, I think I like it too.
Ooh, if you'll excuse me, my next adventure awaits.
That man over there in a zoot suit Ooh, he looking at me like a old-timey snack.
- Watch out now.
- All right.
I see you.
- I see you.
- Here I come.
Ask him where he got that suit.
Looks like they all discovered a little more about one another while also discovering wine.
I told you.
Brothers are out here feeling things, hmm? Will they continue to grow together? What challenges will come along the way? Let's see where this grand crew goes, shall we? À votre santé.