Grandfathered (2015) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
There you are.
You little gray bastard.
- Hey, Jimmy.
- Kristen.
Hey, babe.
Girls! Right this way.
Got you at my favorite table.
Right this way, gentlemen.
I have you at my favorite table.
How's it feel to be the prettiest girl in the room? How's it feel to be the prettiest girl in the room? I heard Deion Sanders is coming to town for his birthday.
We got to get him here.
He already has plans at that new place, Bistro 6.
Easy.
Why is everyone going there? The food is amazing.
- You're fired.
- No, I'm not.
- Just get me Deion, please.
- On it.
"Not now, Frank, I'm eating!" Come on, girls.
Say "Jimmy!" Jimmy! Was amazing.
Oh, and the tiramisu was to die for! I collect trains.
Dorky, I know.
But, you know, I always imagined that I would share them with my son one day.
Don't get me wrong, I love my life, but I'd give it all up just like that for a family.
I'm sorry.
We don't allow children.
Play classical.
Cancel.
Happy pop.
Afternoon, kids.
Ravi.
Hey! Jimmy! Stop locking the new guy in the freezer.
You're late for work! Jimmy, try this: Gluten-free pappardelle.
Mmm.
Ravi, delicious.
What's the secret? Gluten.
Tons of gluten.
It's basically nothing but gluten.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Kid, we're closed.
Uh, my name's Gerald.
I have something pretty important to tell you.
Uh, sorry.
- Yes? - Uh - Hi.
Hi.
- Kid, hey, focus.
Sorry.
Um My mom is Sara Kingsley.
You dated for a while in 1989.
She was a cook at a restaurant you worked at.
Oh, on the night that photo was taken, she took you to a Jane's Addiction show, but you guys left early because you refused to go number two at the club.
- Sounds like you.
- Definitely.
You didn't have much in common, but what you did have was a whole bunch of unprotected sex.
- Sounds like you.
- Definitely.
After you guys broke up, my mom discovered she was pregnant with me.
I'm your son.
Oh, one more thing.
This is Edie, your granddaughter.
How the hell? I'm a grandfath I'm a grandf I've never even had a gray hair.
I mean, sure, I have always wanted a family, but have I? Or was that just some line I've been using to pick up girls? It's a great line, by the way.
So when this weird kid and this baby show up and ask me in the realest possible way do I want a family, well, my answer, very honestly, is I have no idea.
- Sounds like you need some time to process this.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I'm-I'm a little stressed out right now.
Reservations are down 15%.
It was probably a mistake, me just popping in on you like this.
I'm-I'm gonna go.
Yeah, that's You know what? Let me just let me just give you my card, and you text me your number, and then we'll get together when things calm down a little bit.
Is that okay? Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a beautiful baby.
Thanks.
It's a beautiful business card.
What? What's that look for? What was I supposed to do, throw him a baseball mitt, have a catch and sing "Cat's in the Cradle" with him? Am I right, Victor? White Victor? No? Wait! Wait! That wasn't how it was supposed to go.
Everyone, what's the one thing that I've always said was missing from my life? A linen pant that goes from the beach to the bar? Yes, and the search continues.
No, I meant a family.
A family.
Everyone, I'd like you to meet Gerald and his daughter.
You're a grandpa? Can I hold it? Sure.
Aw.
Yeah.
Not funny.
Sorry.
Sorry.
It's Jimmy! We have a son? - I - No, no, no, no, no.
No.
You don't get to talk.
I'm doing all the talking now.
I'm talking.
- My turn.
- Okay.
That's fair.
Talk.
What do you have to say for yourself? First off, I never kept him from meeting you.
All he had to do was ask Yeah, well, you should've told me I had a son walking around.
What if I were gay and I met him in a bar? That's where your head goes? - What's wrong with you? - What's wrong with me? I'm standing on a porch - in East Bumpkinville - Pasadena.
- Oh, this is Pasadena? - Yes.
Talking to a woman that I haven't seen in 26 years about a son that I didn't know I had.
How could you do this to me? Have you met you? The entire time we dated, you refused to call me your girlfriend.
You wouldn't even let me keep a toothbrush at your place.
You gave me gingivitis.
I did not.
You were proud of how bad you were at relationships, and the only thing that you ever cared about was your career and your sex life.
Speaking of which, girlfriend?! - Employee.
Lesbian.
- Mmm.
Smart.
- Job requirement.
- I like you.
- Let's be friends.
- Get back in the car.
Jimmy, I hope this goes well.
I do.
And I hate being the scolding, protective mother stereotype, so I hope I only have to say this to you once: If you hurt my son or his daughter, I will choke you to death with your own overly moisturized hands.
Okay.
Gotta run.
Gerald is in the guesthouse in the back.
You look great, by the way.
Deal with the Devil really paid off.
Yeah, I'm on her side.
She's awesome.
She thinks I'll suck at this.
I'll show her.
Get those healthy fats, Edie.
Get that out.
Get it.
Come on.
Oh, yeah! That's good, that's good! Here, watch the pants, with the Not The hands are very dirty.
Okay.
There you go.
- Is that French? - It's West African French.
It's the fastest growing language in the world.
- Mandarin's for suckers.
- Yeah.
N'est-ce pas, Edie? Go play.
Go play.
Listen, Gerald, I got to ask you: Why did you come find me? Why now? I just felt like it was time.
Honestly, being fatherless was never a big deal for me, and then the other day, I came across a BuzzFeed listicle called "28 Reasons Why Having a Dad Is the Best," and, by number 12, I was crying so hard I was dehydrated.
Yeah.
Listen, kid, I'm a 50-year-old bachelor.
- We're society's most worthless people.
- Mmm.
Look, I don't know if I'm cut out to be a father, much less a a grandf a grand - Can I be honest? - Dude, you've been aggressively honest.
Mama! Hi, Edie.
Hey, baby.
Yes.
Mommy saw so many babies today, and they were all uglier and stupider than you.
Mwah.
- What up, G? - Yo.
- Did she? - Twice.
- Really! - I know! Big ones.
- Please tell me you filmed it.
- Matrix style.
Oh, rock star.
Awesome.
Oh, I totally lost her little rubber ducky.
Oh, uh, I made one.
You are good.
You know, one of these days, you're gonna be the billionaire 3-D printing designer guy, and I'm gonna be like, "That's my friend.
" All right, I got to go.
There's a really tan guy in the back of the house.
He's hot, but he's old.
Bye.
- Okay.
I'll, uh, text you.
- Let's go, baby.
And-and then Okay, there-there's one reason I wanted to meet you.
Uh, that was Vanessa.
I would love it if she stopped thinking of me as a friend who happened to cause a human being - to pop out of her uterus - Yucky.
And start seeing me as someone she could actually date.
My mom told me your whole deal, and, I don't know, I thought you could give me some pointers? Oh.
Why didn't you say so? I could help you with that.
Yeah? Come to Daddy.
I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna go for it.
Come on.
Okay.
Hey, you don't think I'm too tan, do you? - No, you're perfect.
- Oh.
Vanessa and I worked in the same cell phone store.
I was attracted to her fearless way, just sort of bulldozing through life, and she was attracted to my friend Ethan.
Uh-huh.
But, one night, she got her cell phone stolen and I helped her trace it.
Finally got it back at 4:00 a.
m.
in Temecula, and then we slept together.
Twice.
Just once.
Huh.
I'm gonna make an observation that might explain why Vanessa isn't attracted to you.
Okay.
It appears that you only have one set of clothing.
I-I wear a green hoodie every day because thinking about clothes creates decision fatigue.
Ah.
That's why Mark Zuckerberg only wears gray T-shirts.
Saves you mental energy to focus on work.
- What do you do for work? - I'm currently unemployed.
I crush it at this.
I posted a video, and it's the highest-rated instructional diapering video on YouTube.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, wait, you were bragging? Women are complicated, you know? They-they want men to come in and and-and take what's complicated and uncomplicate it.
Right.
No, that's-that's good advice.
Thank you.
Also, you know, the G-spot No.
Mm-mm.
No? Okay, where is it? You know, I was in love once.
Just one time.
I actually thought I'd marry her.
We had these dumb little pet names for each other.
She was Sushi, and I was Ponyboy.
I love sushi.
Then one day, uh, she just left.
Sushi kind of wrecked me.
Sounds pretty rough, Dad.
Not ready for "Dad.
" Oh.
Boy, look at the job I did on you.
That was no ordinary diaper change.
That was like staring into the mouth of Hell.
What did you eat, a squirrel? Why are you changing that baby? Oh, coo, coo.
Coo, coo.
So how am I doing? What? Fatherhood? Uh, good.
Right? What's next? Yeah.
Oh, uh, well, I got to go home.
Yeah, every Friday night, I watch a movie at home with Mom.
That's the saddest sentence I've ever heard.
It's like a poem.
What movie? Daddy, look! Billy! Hold it! Hold it! Damn it! Deion Sanders chose Bistro 6 instead of us.
It's a whole thing.
Well, what? This scene is ridiculous, anyway.
I mean, running a kid through traffic is-is more dangerous than the fall was.
- Just call an ambulance, dummy! - Oh, my God, shut up! You're with me on this, right, Ger? For sure.
He's a crier.
Thanks for cleaning up, by which I mean handing me one glass, and then looking through my stuff.
You're a therapist for other people? Do they know what the tattoo on your hip says? Oh, go away.
All right, fine, but before I do, admit that I was better at this than you thought I'd be.
If you think you deserve a trophy after one day, you have no idea what it means to be a parent.
Damn it! Stop making me say lame things like that.
I'm cool.
I watch Portlandia.
I almost went to Coachella last year until I decided not to.
Hey, it's not my fault that I just met Gerald today.
And by the way, that's the name you went with? Gerald? Okay.
I'm going to bed.
And I don't know how to say this nicely, but get out of my house.
And thank you.
For spending time with Gerald.
Whatever your motivation was, it it meant a lot to him.
Now get out.
Ian, the Lees are coming in at 9:00, - so open a bottle of Dominus at 8:00.
- Yes, sir.
Cindy, it's pronounced "carpaccio," not "crapachino.
" Guys, you are literally going to kill this man.
Hi.
Hey.
Hi.
I just came by to tell you that Vanessa and I are hanging out tonight, which is exciting.
Attaboy.
And, um, I know it's last minute, but could you watch Edie for me? Really? You trust me enough to do that? Well, I've literally tried everyone I know.
But, also, I trust you.
Yeah.
It'll be really easy.
She'll be asleep the whole time.
You won't have to do anything.
Please? I'd love to.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
All right.
Okay.
- Great.
- Knock 'em dead.
- And change your clothes.
- Okay.
You're a wolf.
Do you want this? Want the bottle? What word is this? "C" and an "A.
" Oh.
You are cute.
You know, you're cuter than other babies.
You know why? 'Cause you have my dimple.
Your dad has a dimple, but on him, it looks like a pock mark.
Yeah.
Can you give me a kiss? Did you just kiss me? Did you just kiss me? Hold on one second.
Hey, bro, Deion Sanders is here.
He showed? He brought everyone.
The whole entourage is here.
Word is Lil Wayne and Don Rickles are gonna be here, too.
No one's ever said that sentence before.
Dude, you've got to get over here.
You know Annelise is no good with humans.
I can't.
I'm babysitting.
Figure something out! It's happening now! Deion Sanders, Jimmy Martino.
Happy birthday, my friend.
Jimmy! I didn't think you were gonna make it.
Oh, are you kidding? Who's more important - than Day Time? - Prime Time.
Prime Time.
Oh, hell no.
You're so funny and good-looking.
You brought the baby here? Shh.
Excuse me, Deion.
I had to.
This is too important.
We used to be the cool new place.
We used to be Bistro 6.
I used to be Bistro 6.
We were here.
Now we're here.
You carry around an old photo of yourself? You don't? - No.
- I have two goals tonight.
One keep the baby alive.
Two get a picture of me and Sanders that we can vomit all over the Internet, okay? - Ready? On three.
- Get therapy.
Three.
Deion, I was wondering if you and I could get a picture together.
Give me a minute.
Let me check out the menu.
Oh, excuse me one second.
Damn it! I'll be right back.
Sleep tight, Squid.
Sleep tight, Whale.
Don Rickles showed, too.
Here, take a picture.
Hello, Mr.
Rickles.
Deion, how about a big shot? Ready? Not of yourself.
Of us.
Oh.
Ready? Smi Ugh.
Hold on one second, sir.
How long how long have you had this problem? It's almost like she hasn't slept in a restaurant kitchen before.
I'm gonna play a baby CD.
How does this thing play in here? What is that? Round and round.
Round and Here.
Go like this.
Good.
Now Lil Wayne just showed up.
It's getting weirder.
Get the picture.
Hi, guys.
Let me get a quick picture of the four of us.
This'll be great.
Go.
Yeah.
Stay right there.
I'll be right back.
Hi! Oh, come oh, come here, you little Come, come oh! You don't want one of those, do you? Oh yes Let me see.
Look at me.
You feel a little warm.
- Why isn't anyone picking up? - And why do you have - a meat thermometer in her butt? - That's the meat thermometer? People are meat.
It's okay, baby.
It's okay.
103.
That's normal, right? Dude, that's actually really high.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Okay, come here, baby.
Come on, baby.
Come on.
Where are you going? Hospital! And wash that thermometer! Throw away that thermometer.
But this thing cost, like, 20 bucks.
Move it! Excuse me.
Where's the valet?! Where's Rico? Where's? Forget it.
Hey, watch it! - Jimmy? - Oh, hey you.
It's okay.
It's okay, Edie.
Lindsay.
Her name was Lindsay.
Quick, I need a doctor.
- She's burning up.
- I'm a doctor.
Are you the father? No, no, I'm not her father.
I'm I'm her grandfather.
Okay, let me take her for some tests.
Go fill out a form and have a seat.
- No, I need to stay with her.
- I'm sorry.
You have to wait here.
You look a little young for a doctor.
Could you get someone older? Asian, if you got it.
Dr.
Morris, dial 118, please.
I screwed up, Sara, just like you knew I would.
I'm 50 freaking years old, and I'm still the same guy you didn't trust 25 years ago.
I wanted to be good at this, I really did, but I just don't know how.
She's gonna be fine.
When Gerald was a baby, I was buckling him into his car seat, and it was a really hot day.
I got distracted, and the buckle burned him.
He was four months old.
I swear, he looked right at me and gave me the finger.
That was our first trip to the E.
R.
Parenthood is pretty much an endless string of moments where you think you've killed your kid.
I hate this feeling.
I mean, suddenly, I'm not just worrying about myself.
I'm actually worrying about someone I care about.
- Ugh.
- What? For, like, two seconds there, you reminded me why I dated you.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
You know, we still - That is never gonna happen.
- All right.
- Want some coffee? - Yes.
She's fine.
It's just a fever, and it's already going down.
I'm gonna go get her ready, so just wait here.
Thank you.
What happened? What did I miss? She needs a liver transplant, and you're the only match.
- All right.
I'm in.
- They needed to know a couple of things first.
Do you dye your hair? It's not dye.
It's colorizing cream.
- Have you had Botox? - Yes, but not on my face.
Then where? Ah.
Good one.
Okay, guys, she's ready.
Come on back.
Well, at least Edie's okay.
You know, don't even talk to me, you irresponsible ass.
Tonight just confirmed everything my mom ever said about you.
How'd the date go? - Good.
She liked my clothes.
- Yeah.
Hey, slow down in the house! It's milk.
Dinner is served, everybody.
I think we'll do it here.
All right, well, be careful where you put that.
That's a forever stain.
You little gray bastard.
- Hey, Jimmy.
- Kristen.
Hey, babe.
Girls! Right this way.
Got you at my favorite table.
Right this way, gentlemen.
I have you at my favorite table.
How's it feel to be the prettiest girl in the room? How's it feel to be the prettiest girl in the room? I heard Deion Sanders is coming to town for his birthday.
We got to get him here.
He already has plans at that new place, Bistro 6.
Easy.
Why is everyone going there? The food is amazing.
- You're fired.
- No, I'm not.
- Just get me Deion, please.
- On it.
"Not now, Frank, I'm eating!" Come on, girls.
Say "Jimmy!" Jimmy! Was amazing.
Oh, and the tiramisu was to die for! I collect trains.
Dorky, I know.
But, you know, I always imagined that I would share them with my son one day.
Don't get me wrong, I love my life, but I'd give it all up just like that for a family.
I'm sorry.
We don't allow children.
Play classical.
Cancel.
Happy pop.
Afternoon, kids.
Ravi.
Hey! Jimmy! Stop locking the new guy in the freezer.
You're late for work! Jimmy, try this: Gluten-free pappardelle.
Mmm.
Ravi, delicious.
What's the secret? Gluten.
Tons of gluten.
It's basically nothing but gluten.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Kid, we're closed.
Uh, my name's Gerald.
I have something pretty important to tell you.
Uh, sorry.
- Yes? - Uh - Hi.
Hi.
- Kid, hey, focus.
Sorry.
Um My mom is Sara Kingsley.
You dated for a while in 1989.
She was a cook at a restaurant you worked at.
Oh, on the night that photo was taken, she took you to a Jane's Addiction show, but you guys left early because you refused to go number two at the club.
- Sounds like you.
- Definitely.
You didn't have much in common, but what you did have was a whole bunch of unprotected sex.
- Sounds like you.
- Definitely.
After you guys broke up, my mom discovered she was pregnant with me.
I'm your son.
Oh, one more thing.
This is Edie, your granddaughter.
How the hell? I'm a grandfath I'm a grandf I've never even had a gray hair.
I mean, sure, I have always wanted a family, but have I? Or was that just some line I've been using to pick up girls? It's a great line, by the way.
So when this weird kid and this baby show up and ask me in the realest possible way do I want a family, well, my answer, very honestly, is I have no idea.
- Sounds like you need some time to process this.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I'm-I'm a little stressed out right now.
Reservations are down 15%.
It was probably a mistake, me just popping in on you like this.
I'm-I'm gonna go.
Yeah, that's You know what? Let me just let me just give you my card, and you text me your number, and then we'll get together when things calm down a little bit.
Is that okay? Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a beautiful baby.
Thanks.
It's a beautiful business card.
What? What's that look for? What was I supposed to do, throw him a baseball mitt, have a catch and sing "Cat's in the Cradle" with him? Am I right, Victor? White Victor? No? Wait! Wait! That wasn't how it was supposed to go.
Everyone, what's the one thing that I've always said was missing from my life? A linen pant that goes from the beach to the bar? Yes, and the search continues.
No, I meant a family.
A family.
Everyone, I'd like you to meet Gerald and his daughter.
You're a grandpa? Can I hold it? Sure.
Aw.
Yeah.
Not funny.
Sorry.
Sorry.
It's Jimmy! We have a son? - I - No, no, no, no, no.
No.
You don't get to talk.
I'm doing all the talking now.
I'm talking.
- My turn.
- Okay.
That's fair.
Talk.
What do you have to say for yourself? First off, I never kept him from meeting you.
All he had to do was ask Yeah, well, you should've told me I had a son walking around.
What if I were gay and I met him in a bar? That's where your head goes? - What's wrong with you? - What's wrong with me? I'm standing on a porch - in East Bumpkinville - Pasadena.
- Oh, this is Pasadena? - Yes.
Talking to a woman that I haven't seen in 26 years about a son that I didn't know I had.
How could you do this to me? Have you met you? The entire time we dated, you refused to call me your girlfriend.
You wouldn't even let me keep a toothbrush at your place.
You gave me gingivitis.
I did not.
You were proud of how bad you were at relationships, and the only thing that you ever cared about was your career and your sex life.
Speaking of which, girlfriend?! - Employee.
Lesbian.
- Mmm.
Smart.
- Job requirement.
- I like you.
- Let's be friends.
- Get back in the car.
Jimmy, I hope this goes well.
I do.
And I hate being the scolding, protective mother stereotype, so I hope I only have to say this to you once: If you hurt my son or his daughter, I will choke you to death with your own overly moisturized hands.
Okay.
Gotta run.
Gerald is in the guesthouse in the back.
You look great, by the way.
Deal with the Devil really paid off.
Yeah, I'm on her side.
She's awesome.
She thinks I'll suck at this.
I'll show her.
Get those healthy fats, Edie.
Get that out.
Get it.
Come on.
Oh, yeah! That's good, that's good! Here, watch the pants, with the Not The hands are very dirty.
Okay.
There you go.
- Is that French? - It's West African French.
It's the fastest growing language in the world.
- Mandarin's for suckers.
- Yeah.
N'est-ce pas, Edie? Go play.
Go play.
Listen, Gerald, I got to ask you: Why did you come find me? Why now? I just felt like it was time.
Honestly, being fatherless was never a big deal for me, and then the other day, I came across a BuzzFeed listicle called "28 Reasons Why Having a Dad Is the Best," and, by number 12, I was crying so hard I was dehydrated.
Yeah.
Listen, kid, I'm a 50-year-old bachelor.
- We're society's most worthless people.
- Mmm.
Look, I don't know if I'm cut out to be a father, much less a a grandf a grand - Can I be honest? - Dude, you've been aggressively honest.
Mama! Hi, Edie.
Hey, baby.
Yes.
Mommy saw so many babies today, and they were all uglier and stupider than you.
Mwah.
- What up, G? - Yo.
- Did she? - Twice.
- Really! - I know! Big ones.
- Please tell me you filmed it.
- Matrix style.
Oh, rock star.
Awesome.
Oh, I totally lost her little rubber ducky.
Oh, uh, I made one.
You are good.
You know, one of these days, you're gonna be the billionaire 3-D printing designer guy, and I'm gonna be like, "That's my friend.
" All right, I got to go.
There's a really tan guy in the back of the house.
He's hot, but he's old.
Bye.
- Okay.
I'll, uh, text you.
- Let's go, baby.
And-and then Okay, there-there's one reason I wanted to meet you.
Uh, that was Vanessa.
I would love it if she stopped thinking of me as a friend who happened to cause a human being - to pop out of her uterus - Yucky.
And start seeing me as someone she could actually date.
My mom told me your whole deal, and, I don't know, I thought you could give me some pointers? Oh.
Why didn't you say so? I could help you with that.
Yeah? Come to Daddy.
I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna go for it.
Come on.
Okay.
Hey, you don't think I'm too tan, do you? - No, you're perfect.
- Oh.
Vanessa and I worked in the same cell phone store.
I was attracted to her fearless way, just sort of bulldozing through life, and she was attracted to my friend Ethan.
Uh-huh.
But, one night, she got her cell phone stolen and I helped her trace it.
Finally got it back at 4:00 a.
m.
in Temecula, and then we slept together.
Twice.
Just once.
Huh.
I'm gonna make an observation that might explain why Vanessa isn't attracted to you.
Okay.
It appears that you only have one set of clothing.
I-I wear a green hoodie every day because thinking about clothes creates decision fatigue.
Ah.
That's why Mark Zuckerberg only wears gray T-shirts.
Saves you mental energy to focus on work.
- What do you do for work? - I'm currently unemployed.
I crush it at this.
I posted a video, and it's the highest-rated instructional diapering video on YouTube.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, wait, you were bragging? Women are complicated, you know? They-they want men to come in and and-and take what's complicated and uncomplicate it.
Right.
No, that's-that's good advice.
Thank you.
Also, you know, the G-spot No.
Mm-mm.
No? Okay, where is it? You know, I was in love once.
Just one time.
I actually thought I'd marry her.
We had these dumb little pet names for each other.
She was Sushi, and I was Ponyboy.
I love sushi.
Then one day, uh, she just left.
Sushi kind of wrecked me.
Sounds pretty rough, Dad.
Not ready for "Dad.
" Oh.
Boy, look at the job I did on you.
That was no ordinary diaper change.
That was like staring into the mouth of Hell.
What did you eat, a squirrel? Why are you changing that baby? Oh, coo, coo.
Coo, coo.
So how am I doing? What? Fatherhood? Uh, good.
Right? What's next? Yeah.
Oh, uh, well, I got to go home.
Yeah, every Friday night, I watch a movie at home with Mom.
That's the saddest sentence I've ever heard.
It's like a poem.
What movie? Daddy, look! Billy! Hold it! Hold it! Damn it! Deion Sanders chose Bistro 6 instead of us.
It's a whole thing.
Well, what? This scene is ridiculous, anyway.
I mean, running a kid through traffic is-is more dangerous than the fall was.
- Just call an ambulance, dummy! - Oh, my God, shut up! You're with me on this, right, Ger? For sure.
He's a crier.
Thanks for cleaning up, by which I mean handing me one glass, and then looking through my stuff.
You're a therapist for other people? Do they know what the tattoo on your hip says? Oh, go away.
All right, fine, but before I do, admit that I was better at this than you thought I'd be.
If you think you deserve a trophy after one day, you have no idea what it means to be a parent.
Damn it! Stop making me say lame things like that.
I'm cool.
I watch Portlandia.
I almost went to Coachella last year until I decided not to.
Hey, it's not my fault that I just met Gerald today.
And by the way, that's the name you went with? Gerald? Okay.
I'm going to bed.
And I don't know how to say this nicely, but get out of my house.
And thank you.
For spending time with Gerald.
Whatever your motivation was, it it meant a lot to him.
Now get out.
Ian, the Lees are coming in at 9:00, - so open a bottle of Dominus at 8:00.
- Yes, sir.
Cindy, it's pronounced "carpaccio," not "crapachino.
" Guys, you are literally going to kill this man.
Hi.
Hey.
Hi.
I just came by to tell you that Vanessa and I are hanging out tonight, which is exciting.
Attaboy.
And, um, I know it's last minute, but could you watch Edie for me? Really? You trust me enough to do that? Well, I've literally tried everyone I know.
But, also, I trust you.
Yeah.
It'll be really easy.
She'll be asleep the whole time.
You won't have to do anything.
Please? I'd love to.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
All right.
Okay.
- Great.
- Knock 'em dead.
- And change your clothes.
- Okay.
You're a wolf.
Do you want this? Want the bottle? What word is this? "C" and an "A.
" Oh.
You are cute.
You know, you're cuter than other babies.
You know why? 'Cause you have my dimple.
Your dad has a dimple, but on him, it looks like a pock mark.
Yeah.
Can you give me a kiss? Did you just kiss me? Did you just kiss me? Hold on one second.
Hey, bro, Deion Sanders is here.
He showed? He brought everyone.
The whole entourage is here.
Word is Lil Wayne and Don Rickles are gonna be here, too.
No one's ever said that sentence before.
Dude, you've got to get over here.
You know Annelise is no good with humans.
I can't.
I'm babysitting.
Figure something out! It's happening now! Deion Sanders, Jimmy Martino.
Happy birthday, my friend.
Jimmy! I didn't think you were gonna make it.
Oh, are you kidding? Who's more important - than Day Time? - Prime Time.
Prime Time.
Oh, hell no.
You're so funny and good-looking.
You brought the baby here? Shh.
Excuse me, Deion.
I had to.
This is too important.
We used to be the cool new place.
We used to be Bistro 6.
I used to be Bistro 6.
We were here.
Now we're here.
You carry around an old photo of yourself? You don't? - No.
- I have two goals tonight.
One keep the baby alive.
Two get a picture of me and Sanders that we can vomit all over the Internet, okay? - Ready? On three.
- Get therapy.
Three.
Deion, I was wondering if you and I could get a picture together.
Give me a minute.
Let me check out the menu.
Oh, excuse me one second.
Damn it! I'll be right back.
Sleep tight, Squid.
Sleep tight, Whale.
Don Rickles showed, too.
Here, take a picture.
Hello, Mr.
Rickles.
Deion, how about a big shot? Ready? Not of yourself.
Of us.
Oh.
Ready? Smi Ugh.
Hold on one second, sir.
How long how long have you had this problem? It's almost like she hasn't slept in a restaurant kitchen before.
I'm gonna play a baby CD.
How does this thing play in here? What is that? Round and round.
Round and Here.
Go like this.
Good.
Now Lil Wayne just showed up.
It's getting weirder.
Get the picture.
Hi, guys.
Let me get a quick picture of the four of us.
This'll be great.
Go.
Yeah.
Stay right there.
I'll be right back.
Hi! Oh, come oh, come here, you little Come, come oh! You don't want one of those, do you? Oh yes Let me see.
Look at me.
You feel a little warm.
- Why isn't anyone picking up? - And why do you have - a meat thermometer in her butt? - That's the meat thermometer? People are meat.
It's okay, baby.
It's okay.
103.
That's normal, right? Dude, that's actually really high.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Okay, come here, baby.
Come on, baby.
Come on.
Where are you going? Hospital! And wash that thermometer! Throw away that thermometer.
But this thing cost, like, 20 bucks.
Move it! Excuse me.
Where's the valet?! Where's Rico? Where's? Forget it.
Hey, watch it! - Jimmy? - Oh, hey you.
It's okay.
It's okay, Edie.
Lindsay.
Her name was Lindsay.
Quick, I need a doctor.
- She's burning up.
- I'm a doctor.
Are you the father? No, no, I'm not her father.
I'm I'm her grandfather.
Okay, let me take her for some tests.
Go fill out a form and have a seat.
- No, I need to stay with her.
- I'm sorry.
You have to wait here.
You look a little young for a doctor.
Could you get someone older? Asian, if you got it.
Dr.
Morris, dial 118, please.
I screwed up, Sara, just like you knew I would.
I'm 50 freaking years old, and I'm still the same guy you didn't trust 25 years ago.
I wanted to be good at this, I really did, but I just don't know how.
She's gonna be fine.
When Gerald was a baby, I was buckling him into his car seat, and it was a really hot day.
I got distracted, and the buckle burned him.
He was four months old.
I swear, he looked right at me and gave me the finger.
That was our first trip to the E.
R.
Parenthood is pretty much an endless string of moments where you think you've killed your kid.
I hate this feeling.
I mean, suddenly, I'm not just worrying about myself.
I'm actually worrying about someone I care about.
- Ugh.
- What? For, like, two seconds there, you reminded me why I dated you.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
You know, we still - That is never gonna happen.
- All right.
- Want some coffee? - Yes.
She's fine.
It's just a fever, and it's already going down.
I'm gonna go get her ready, so just wait here.
Thank you.
What happened? What did I miss? She needs a liver transplant, and you're the only match.
- All right.
I'm in.
- They needed to know a couple of things first.
Do you dye your hair? It's not dye.
It's colorizing cream.
- Have you had Botox? - Yes, but not on my face.
Then where? Ah.
Good one.
Okay, guys, she's ready.
Come on back.
Well, at least Edie's okay.
You know, don't even talk to me, you irresponsible ass.
Tonight just confirmed everything my mom ever said about you.
How'd the date go? - Good.
She liked my clothes.
- Yeah.
Hey, slow down in the house! It's milk.
Dinner is served, everybody.
I think we'll do it here.
All right, well, be careful where you put that.
That's a forever stain.