Grandma's House (2010) s01e01 Episode Script
The Day Simon Told His Family About His Important Decision
1 He's here! What a lovely coat! How much was it? £200? £200?! £200 Oh, my God! His coat was £200 Do we go in at any point? Sing with your mother.
I don't want to sing.
I breast-fed you, you little shit! Simon! We recorded your programme.
Do you want to see it? Oh, no, no.
How are you? Yeah, put it on.
It was so funny.
Please don't.
I am here in real life.
It's a different world, isn't it? Oh, I hope I've done your avocado OK.
Where are you going? Toilet.
I've seen it already.
Watch it again.
'Let's meet tonight's guests' Please turn it off.
Oh, I love this bit.
Or keep it on.
"What would you say was the demographic for this new album? Mainly idiots?" I'm done.
I'm going.
All right! Why do you have to be so modest? Turn it off.
Dad, put it on mute.
Sit down.
Thank you.
You are joking, aren't you? Tell me you're joking.
Are you joking? What's the problem? It's the only thing that gives me joy.
I haven't got a life.
I can't eat crisps.
Tell me you're joking.
Are you joking? Ssh! Just stop talking! He's probably just joking.
Is he? Does he want a banana maybe? Mum, sit down.
Hovering all the time! Oh, all right.
I mustn't hover.
No.
He says he's quitting his show.
I'm so tired.
I don't enjoy it any more.
But my kalooki group, that's all we talk about.
I feel it's become a really mean show.
I don't know who I am.
You're a presenter who takes the piss out of people! Hello! People congratulate me for being mean.
You're not mean.
You're cheeky.
People love it.
They do.
It's not very Buddhist.
You're not a Buddhist, you're a cheeky TV presenter! Did you find out if he's joking or not? Just give it one more year.
Yeah? Then what? I'm so old.
We had this rapper on who was born in 1994.
How can an adult human be born in the mid '90s? What else can you do? Nothing.
Mum! Oh, yes.
Are you gonna give up all that money? It's just money.
Oh, for God's sake! Shut up! You want to do The Knowledge? He can't drive a cab, Dad.
He's a celebrity.
Uh Look at him, he's only little! You're gonna leave a wonderful show? What are you gonna do? I don't know.
Live, breathe? The new TX4s have all got air conditioning.
Breathe? You're just talking a load of shit! Tanya! I just want to do something meaningful.
You're on television.
What else do you want? Maybe I'll write something or act a bit.
Oh, dear.
Act? You can't act, can you? No.
You've got a skill already.
Taking the piss out of pop stars! How can you do this to me? Why do you need to breathe all of a sudden? Just make sure you say hello to Clive.
Oh, God! Of course he'll say hello to Clive! It's like a dream.
I can't believe he wants to go out with our Tanya! Should I wait for Clive before I bring the biscuits in? I bought special biscuits for him.
Oh! Just go if you're going.
All right.
Don't give me aggravation.
Would you rather I was alone? Say you'll say hello to him.
What was it again? Hello? How do you want me to say it? Like I'm pleased to see him? Yes.
How should I do it? "Hello.
" Or I could go for more surprised.
"Hello!" Or I can do suspicious.
"Hello?" Maybe don't bother with the acting.
Hello? Just say "hello" like you're normal.
You don't need to sleep with him! Ooh! Oh, it's probably just Liz.
Here she comes.
Deep breaths, everyone.
Don't start! Hello! Liz and Adam are here! Hi! Hello, Adam.
Has your mum brought you here without any homework? Don't start.
He's going through a phase.
He doesn't know if he wants to be an independent financial adviser any more.
It's not a phase! That was your dream! Can I just? Come here.
What are you doing? I can hear it crying out for nutrients.
This can be sorted.
It's not hopeless! Guess what my son said to me.
Guess! Can I sit down? Look at me.
Guess! Oh, my God! Has he contracted something? Of course he hasn't.
What then? He thinks he's going to quit his show.
So? He's getting taller and taller, our Adam, isn't he? I'm gonna be able to beat up Simon soon, aren't I? Agh! Get off! It's fun, look! Ow! Adam, don't touch him! Phew! It's very warm in here, Mum.
Have you said hello to Simon? Where's Clive? He's on his way.
Isn't it exciting? Do you want a biscuit? Have you seen the Jar Man? What are you talking about? Who's Jar Man? I e-mailed it to Simon.
It's a man squatting on a jar.
Was that from you? What is it? Then the jar breaks and he picks up broken glass from his tuchus.
Dad! It's good, right? Aren't you interested that my son's giving up his show? What do you want me to say? He's gonna shave his head and live in Thailand.
Why? I'm becoming a Buddhist.
Do you want to come? Yeah.
When? Can you not say stupid things in front of my son? Go and do your coursework.
I didn't bring it.
Just go! What, a jam jar? Pickle.
He'll be here in six minutes.
He says six, he doesn't say five.
That's funny, isn't it? Why are you wearing that old pullover? Go and change before Clive gets here.
Don't make him change, Mum.
He looks fine.
You should get on with him really.
"Six.
" He's funny! He's not funny.
He just talks loudly with a man's voice.
"Hello.
I'm Clive.
I'm a man.
"I've got a man's head.
" Stop it.
You'll upset my mother.
Is that what it is? It's the high status thing he tries to do.
"Hello, Tanya.
You look like a woman.
I'm a man.
" He's not even good at it.
Isn't it sexier if someone's more "Oh, I feel faint"? I think your son's a bit odd.
He's really funny, Simon.
What was it he said about French people? We all hate French people.
What was it? I don't know.
They don't have a good army? Yeah.
Yeah, and that they cheat at football.
He said something else about French something OK, just say you like him now.
Yeah? 18 hours of screaming labour you were and this is how you repay me.
It took three of them to stitch me back together again.
It was like a sweatshop.
Uh! He's just a boring man.
You might as well just get back with Dad.
Oh, spit out! I don't think so! Bastard.
He's nothing like Richard.
Ah! We don't say that name! Clive's fine.
Enough now.
Come on, Bernie, it wouldn't do any harm to look a bit smarter.
Don't make a fuss.
You're fine, Dad.
Is that how you're gonna have your hair? What? Do you wanna borrow a brush? Why? What is it? No, it's fine.
It's just there's a brush in my room if you want to use it.
Or you could borrow a hat.
Don't you like my hair as it is? Of course I do.
But I should get a hat? If you want, yeah.
Are you sure you can be with someone called Clive? I'm just thinking of you.
"Clive Clive Clive!" "Clive" Oh, ssh! Stop saying "Clive"! Does he dye his hair? Stop it now! You're like a 12-year-old! He's very kind to me.
And he's got Sky HD.
Wonderful.
Maybe he's the one.
Come on! On a 47-inch plasma! You can see every single hair in Noel Edmonds' beard! What more do you want from life? Love? True love? Don't be odd.
He's got such a lovely big house.
Oh, has he got a big house? Do you want me to live in a shithole with a full-time job like Debbie Penkman? She's right, Simon.
Who should I be with? A poet? What about when he talks about how long to cook meat? He calls me Captain! He's so fussy about everyone! I don't want to be Captain.
Bernie, say something to him.
You'll have to deal with all sorts of schmucks when you're driving your cab.
He isn't any kind of schmuck.
Yeah.
How old is he? Who cares? If he's over 50, he needs a rectal exam.
Bernie! Stand up for a minute.
What? What's wrong with me? What bra are you wearing? A normal bra.
Can you all Just leave me alone? Is it the right size? They're a bit low.
Would you? Get off me! Leave her, Tanya! She hasn't got time to go home and change her bra.
Have you? No.
Go on, Liz.
Go home.
Cheer up your breasts! You're really mean to me! When? I'm so kind to you.
I haven't even mentioned your I'll get some Sellotape.
Oh, does Clive like melon? My picture hook has come loose.
Could he bang it back in for me? Yeah, ask.
Can he hammer things? I've misjudged this guy.
He can operate a hammer? He's a nice, reliable man, Simon.
He's been married before.
That's good.
Is it? It means he's not abnormal.
He got divorced about 20 years ago.
No kids.
Perfect.
Why did they get divorced? He ran over a tramp.
What? Oh, shush! "Ran over a tramp"! Not this again! Leslie was a witness.
Ignore him.
It's nothing.
Yes, stop talking, Dad.
Who's Leslie? Leslie Hyman with the curtain shop.
It was in the Ilford Recorder.
That was Clive.
He didn't? Of course he didn't.
We were talking about it this morning.
End of Beehive Lane.
Dad! Shush! He doesn't know what he's talking about.
He's gone mad.
They've got speed bumps there now, so I cut through Collinwood Gardens.
When was this? He makes things up.
February 1988.
It's on the internet.
It happened such a long time ago.
So he's a murderer? I think that might be even worse than boring! It was an accident! How can you be with a boring murderer? He does a lot of work with a homeless charity now.
Does he? That's good.
Do they know he killed one of their people? Accidents happen.
He didn't drop a spoon.
Don't listen to him.
He's a vegetarian.
Listen, he hasn't killed anyone since.
Oh, really? Oh.
Shush now.
It'd be nice for you to have a new daddy.
Oh! Poor Simon! You've been such a brave boy.
But Mummy's got to be pleasured somehow.
Oh, God! Oh, gosh! Your mother has sexual desires, Simon.
Good.
There you go.
Have you put your ointment on? Stop scratching.
You'll make it bleed! Have you done your poo yet today? Mum! Here he is! Oh, Clive's here! We've all been waiting.
Peking Palace.
You order Chinese food.
"Plawn clackers"! Not really.
Guylian for the lady.
Ooh, Guylian! Shall I take your jacket? I thought you'd never ask.
Soon I'll have to wait a full five seconds! Bernie, say hello to Clive.
Hello.
Hello, Bernie.
You're looking well.
What are you feeding this stallion? Oh, fish? Adam, Liz! Nice hat.
I thought I could smell garlic.
And here's the man who nearly made me wet myself last night.
Oh, sorry.
Come on, Captain! What are we doing? Oh, really? Is that what we do now? A little hug, why not? Hey! I caught the first five minutes of the show.
Great gags.
Some of them really worked.
I love all that edgy, offensive stuff.
Good.
That's what we're going for.
Simon, look at these! Hang on, what are they? Simon only eats dark chocolate.
Once you go dark, you never go "bark"! He's so funny! Maybe you should be on the television together.
Yeah! Hello, I'm Clive Freeman.
This is the Captain.
That was something.
This is something else.
Just kidding.
That was good.
I'm sure it's a lot harder.
You have to carry all that dough home! Simon wants to quit.
Tell Clive why you want to quit.
He's not gonna quit.
He's worse than you dealing with real life.
Talk to Clive.
What are you gonna do? I think I need to find some love in my life.
Shut up! What for? I'm very lonely.
Nonsense! For God's sake! You're not.
I thought you'd got the cat.
The cat didn't make me any less lonely.
It just became a mascot for my loneliness.
Was that sarcastic? No.
Shall we look at some interracial creampies on Grandpa's computer? What are you turning into? I'm a good laugh now.
Don't bother Simon today.
Can't you see he's trying to bond with Clive? You're not lonely.
You've met Michael Buble.
You'll be all right.
A good-looking lad like you! Oh, hang on.
Don't get ideas.
Hey, I'm taken, mate.
Oh, no.
I don't have a problem with it.
It's just not my style.
OK.
How is everyone? Happy? Ready to eat in a minute? I've just got to do a thing.
Where's he going? Oh, there you are! I've been looking for you.
Oh, yeah.
Why? What's going on? No, nothing.
It's nice to have Clive here, isn't it? Is it? Do you think your daughter should be with a psychopath or does it not matter that he's killed someone? I think I've got prostate cancer.
What? You haven't got cancer.
Shut up! You're joking, aren't you? You are joking? Are you joking? Say you're joking.
No.
Why are you telling me? Shall I get an adult? Sorry, when did you decide you had prostate cancer? What's going on? Nothing.
Have you started without me? Can you give us five minutes? Are you on Creampie? What is this? Is this peer pressure? You're an independent financial adviser.
Not any more.
It's like you with TV, me with dispensing financial advice.
It's just not my passion any more.
Let's hang out and look at some porn with Grandpa.
No, just give me five minutes.
Oh, come on! No.
Go! Now! Please, thank you, goodbye! Oh, God, you're not crying, are you? Should I hug you? Am I supposed to hug you? Shall I get Mum? I don't know why you've told me.
I'm not good at things.
How am I doing? I'm going for a concerned, sensitive voice.
Yeah, very good.
It's all right, isn't it? I don't want to worry anyone.
We've got Clive here.
What, you're not allowed to have cancer if Clive's here? Have you been to the doctor? No.
Looked it up on the internet.
What did it say on the internet? Go on, I'm here.
I'm a person.
We can do this.
Oh, God! I think that's Adam's.
Well, she doesn't live in this area.
There we are.
"Prostate cancer symptoms "frequent urination, difficulty starting "and maintaining a steady stream of urine, blood in the urine.
" There's no blood, is there? No.
Fine.
Carry on.
"Difficulty achieving or sustaining an erection, "painful ejaculation.
" OK.
Is that all right? Is that? That's all right.
Good news! Good! "Urinary and faecal incontinence.
" OK.
Can we just say you've been weeing a lot and you haven't got prostate cancer? What about that? Here's the plan.
Go to the doctor tomorrow.
In the meantime, just think positively.
I read a book.
If you visualise something like a healthy body, it comes to you.
You shouldn't be thinking about cancer.
Don't think about cancer.
Think about a healthy body.
Just think about health.
Health? Health.
Health.
"I'm a healthy person.
Oh, I feel so healthy.
"I feel so healthy.
"Oh, there's so much health in me!" Yeah? How healthy are you? It depends.
I may have prostate cancer.
No, you're healthy! Thinking makes it so.
Are you feeling the good energy? Good.
That's sorted, then, yes? I was quite good there, no? Yeah, yeah, very good.
Health.
Yeah, it's about creating positive energy.
Show me where it says Clive murdered someone.
That'll cheer you up a bit.
Everything's ready.
If you'd like to come through Lovely.
Come on, Adam.
Stop touching my boobs.
Why won't you let me help you? Lilly, you've done us proud.
Come on, folks.
Let's get cracking.
Have a look at the seating plan.
I want to sit next to my Simon.
I've put you next to Clive, no? Yeah, that's also good.
Sorry, Mum.
Can you take that off? It's awful.
Oi! There, take a piece, Simon.
Take a big piece.
Can you eat your melon first? Clive, how old are you? 54.
There you are.
Ssh, don't start! Last night, Tanya and I had the most succulent lamb.
Really? Marinated in the oven overnight, 24 hours, so it just melted off the bone.
So tender.
Sorry, big man.
I know you veggies can get sensitive.
We had one in our office.
Well, until I re-programmed him with one of my famous rib-eye steaks, that is! Poor lad couldn't resist! Isn't it nice all being together? I feel a song coming on.
Oh, God! Please don't.
Stop.
We'll tell you everything! What? I don't think Elaine Paige'll lose any sleep.
Not unless you move in with her! Simon, do you want your avocado now or when everyone's having their chicken? Whenever.
I'll bring it in with the chicken.
OK.
How was the drive, Clive? Oh, great.
I did hit a bit of traffic on Fencepiece Road, but otherwise good, can't complain.
How's business? Must be difficult at the moment.
No, not been affected.
People aren't gonna stop buying boxes.
It's true.
Otherwise, where would they put things? Ten points! What sort of boxes are they? They're all different.
They're mostly removable, collapsible containers.
Pallets, stack/nest units.
Gosh! What do you think of that, Simon? Yeah, wonderful.
Boxes, fun! What's your what's your favourite box? Out of all the boxes that you've worked with? OK, that's a good question.
The stack/nests are pretty nifty.
Hmm.
Cos you can put a lot of stuff in them? That's the idea.
They're all a patented design.
We're the only company that can supply them to 27 territories.
Thanks, Liz.
Is it quite annoying when you see somebody else has got quite a good box and you think, "Oh.
That could have been one of ours"? What's this guy on? You been sniffing Mr Sheen again? There you are.
Hey, you, stop eyeing my chicken! You've made your bed! If you ask him nicely, he'll help you decorate your flat.
My flat's fine, isn't it? It's a bit bare, no? Do you want a slice before I take it through? No.
No, thanks.
I'm all right.
No? What was Bernie talking to you about upstairs? Oh, golf stuff.
He's got a new way of bending his knees.
Has he? Just slightly lower.
Will you talk to Clive a bit more? Try and have a nice conversation.
I did.
I really like him.
Didn't you say you thought he was an appalling person? - No, I didn't say that.
- Simon! You think maybe he molests children? Simon, shush, he'll hear! Simon! You don't have to get on with everyone.
Just be friendly.
Make your grandma happy, yeah? Or we'll fall out.
You're a good boy.
Just smile when you see him.
Let me see that smile.
Simon! You don't think she could do better? No.
That's not what you think, really.
No, no, I think Clive Is fabulous.
I was going for "a prick".
Simon! Listen to me now.
Just do it for me, yeah? Oh, God! What? What is it? It's nothing.
Do you want some water? No, it's probably just heartburn.
Don't worry about me.
What were you saying? Oh, that you're going to be a good boy, yeah? Yeah, of course.
Such a good boy.
You're no bother, are you? You've never been a bother.
Simon! Maybe I'll just go and see Adam.
Yeah, OK.
And Simon Don't give up the show, will you? Silly! Simon! For God's sake! Simon! What? Oh, Jesus, what have you done? I'm ready for Thailand.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, my God! You like it, yeah? Yeah.
Don't show your mum yet.
Just stay here.
Don't move, OK? I'll sort something out.
It's lovely.
It's really lovely.
It's really God, it's lovely! Good work.
Try not to be in the same room as me again today, OK? Just wait two more minutes, all right? Has he done it? Oh, isn't he clever? He's done it, Tanya.
How does he do it? Are we ready now? What for? For what? Right.
Quiet, please! Hang on a minute.
Where's Adam? Adam! He's fine.
He's fine.
We've got an announcement.
What announcement? Adam! Ssh! I want Adam to hear the announcement.
I think he's doing his coursework.
What announcement? I've got to go home in a minute.
Bernie, listen.
Tanya's going to say something.
Adam, quick! Go on.
Right Clive and I have been going out for a while now and Grandpa's got cancer.
What? You haven't? Yeah.
You're joking! What's going on? He's weeing a lot.
What does that mean? Prostate cancer.
Stop it, Bernie.
Don't show off! It won't be cancer.
Years ago, he said he found a lump on his testicle and it was a raisin.
When was that? Years ago.
A raisin? We used to eat a lot more dried fruit.
A raisin.
It was in his pants.
So is it cancer? Are you sure it's not just another raisin? Is it cancer or a raisin? Dad! I've done the research.
There's an operation.
All right, Dad.
Is he OK? What happened up there? What's going on? You hear Dad might be dying and you don't tell anyone! When were you going to tell us? At the shivah? Have you thought about meditating? No! Simon says I should try to think positively.
You said what? Thinking makes it so.
Health.
What is wrong with you? That makes sense - positive thinking.
That's the theme.
There's a book by Eckhart Tolle called A New Earth.
OK, forget it.
I didn't know what to say to him.
I'm only 12.
Yeah, what? What are you wearing my mum's hat for? Take it off.
Let him express himself.
Take it off.
You look peculiar! All right, chill out.
What's happened to you? Is he taking the piss? Tell her what we're doing.
I'm not doing anything! Did you shave my child? He shaved himself.
It's a Buddhist thing.
You can't help yourself, can you? Look at him.
You come here and all you do is try to ruin everything for everyone! All right, Liz, can you chill out and try not to abuse my son for five seconds? Tanya, my father has cancer and my son is bald! It'll grow back.
Maybe put the beret back on.
There we go.
Lovely.
You haven't got cancer, have you? Look, better safe than sorry.
I've got a doctor friend who lives ten minutes away.
Seven in the Lex.
He's the best.
Thanks, Clive.
Thank God you're here! Yeah, thank you.
Isn't he good? He's an old pal from my raving days.
Just texted him.
Grab your coat, Bernie.
Texted him? Amazing, isn't he? Good old Clive! Don't worry.
You're in safe hands.
This chap does a lot of big names.
Really? Who? Who? I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you.
OK, well, drive carefully.
Yeah.
Hang on.
In other news, Mum, we're engaged.
Oh, really? Are you really engaged? She's engaged.
Oh, thank God! We've just got to purchase the all-important bling next week.
Mum, really, you're going to marry someone who says "bling"? Simon, before we go, I've talked to your mum and I think it would be really great if you would be my best man.
Oh, gosh! Really? No? Me, your best man? He'd love to.
Go! Don't worry, Mum, he'll be all right.
You know what he's like.
Yeah.
What a day, eh? OK, can I just say this? What? I'm going to say a thing.
Ready? Simon's got his serious face on.
I wonder what he's gonna say? Shush.
Don't encourage him.
What are you? Ssh! OK.
Look, I get that Clive is definitely an available man.
I understand that he's a man.
He's also killed a man, but that's fine cos he sells boxes and he can send a text message.
He's reliable.
Don't you think you could do a bit better? If you settle for him, you'll just end up unhappy for the rest of your life.
You know what? Why don't you do your Dame Edna? Oh, yes.
I'm going.
Let me know about Grandpa.
Do it.
It makes me so happy.
For your grandma.
Makes her smile.
She's had a hard day.
Go on.
No.
Please, for your grandma.
No.
Go on, Simon! Oh, God! Just do it.
Quick! Hello, possums!
I don't want to sing.
I breast-fed you, you little shit! Simon! We recorded your programme.
Do you want to see it? Oh, no, no.
How are you? Yeah, put it on.
It was so funny.
Please don't.
I am here in real life.
It's a different world, isn't it? Oh, I hope I've done your avocado OK.
Where are you going? Toilet.
I've seen it already.
Watch it again.
'Let's meet tonight's guests' Please turn it off.
Oh, I love this bit.
Or keep it on.
"What would you say was the demographic for this new album? Mainly idiots?" I'm done.
I'm going.
All right! Why do you have to be so modest? Turn it off.
Dad, put it on mute.
Sit down.
Thank you.
You are joking, aren't you? Tell me you're joking.
Are you joking? What's the problem? It's the only thing that gives me joy.
I haven't got a life.
I can't eat crisps.
Tell me you're joking.
Are you joking? Ssh! Just stop talking! He's probably just joking.
Is he? Does he want a banana maybe? Mum, sit down.
Hovering all the time! Oh, all right.
I mustn't hover.
No.
He says he's quitting his show.
I'm so tired.
I don't enjoy it any more.
But my kalooki group, that's all we talk about.
I feel it's become a really mean show.
I don't know who I am.
You're a presenter who takes the piss out of people! Hello! People congratulate me for being mean.
You're not mean.
You're cheeky.
People love it.
They do.
It's not very Buddhist.
You're not a Buddhist, you're a cheeky TV presenter! Did you find out if he's joking or not? Just give it one more year.
Yeah? Then what? I'm so old.
We had this rapper on who was born in 1994.
How can an adult human be born in the mid '90s? What else can you do? Nothing.
Mum! Oh, yes.
Are you gonna give up all that money? It's just money.
Oh, for God's sake! Shut up! You want to do The Knowledge? He can't drive a cab, Dad.
He's a celebrity.
Uh Look at him, he's only little! You're gonna leave a wonderful show? What are you gonna do? I don't know.
Live, breathe? The new TX4s have all got air conditioning.
Breathe? You're just talking a load of shit! Tanya! I just want to do something meaningful.
You're on television.
What else do you want? Maybe I'll write something or act a bit.
Oh, dear.
Act? You can't act, can you? No.
You've got a skill already.
Taking the piss out of pop stars! How can you do this to me? Why do you need to breathe all of a sudden? Just make sure you say hello to Clive.
Oh, God! Of course he'll say hello to Clive! It's like a dream.
I can't believe he wants to go out with our Tanya! Should I wait for Clive before I bring the biscuits in? I bought special biscuits for him.
Oh! Just go if you're going.
All right.
Don't give me aggravation.
Would you rather I was alone? Say you'll say hello to him.
What was it again? Hello? How do you want me to say it? Like I'm pleased to see him? Yes.
How should I do it? "Hello.
" Or I could go for more surprised.
"Hello!" Or I can do suspicious.
"Hello?" Maybe don't bother with the acting.
Hello? Just say "hello" like you're normal.
You don't need to sleep with him! Ooh! Oh, it's probably just Liz.
Here she comes.
Deep breaths, everyone.
Don't start! Hello! Liz and Adam are here! Hi! Hello, Adam.
Has your mum brought you here without any homework? Don't start.
He's going through a phase.
He doesn't know if he wants to be an independent financial adviser any more.
It's not a phase! That was your dream! Can I just? Come here.
What are you doing? I can hear it crying out for nutrients.
This can be sorted.
It's not hopeless! Guess what my son said to me.
Guess! Can I sit down? Look at me.
Guess! Oh, my God! Has he contracted something? Of course he hasn't.
What then? He thinks he's going to quit his show.
So? He's getting taller and taller, our Adam, isn't he? I'm gonna be able to beat up Simon soon, aren't I? Agh! Get off! It's fun, look! Ow! Adam, don't touch him! Phew! It's very warm in here, Mum.
Have you said hello to Simon? Where's Clive? He's on his way.
Isn't it exciting? Do you want a biscuit? Have you seen the Jar Man? What are you talking about? Who's Jar Man? I e-mailed it to Simon.
It's a man squatting on a jar.
Was that from you? What is it? Then the jar breaks and he picks up broken glass from his tuchus.
Dad! It's good, right? Aren't you interested that my son's giving up his show? What do you want me to say? He's gonna shave his head and live in Thailand.
Why? I'm becoming a Buddhist.
Do you want to come? Yeah.
When? Can you not say stupid things in front of my son? Go and do your coursework.
I didn't bring it.
Just go! What, a jam jar? Pickle.
He'll be here in six minutes.
He says six, he doesn't say five.
That's funny, isn't it? Why are you wearing that old pullover? Go and change before Clive gets here.
Don't make him change, Mum.
He looks fine.
You should get on with him really.
"Six.
" He's funny! He's not funny.
He just talks loudly with a man's voice.
"Hello.
I'm Clive.
I'm a man.
"I've got a man's head.
" Stop it.
You'll upset my mother.
Is that what it is? It's the high status thing he tries to do.
"Hello, Tanya.
You look like a woman.
I'm a man.
" He's not even good at it.
Isn't it sexier if someone's more "Oh, I feel faint"? I think your son's a bit odd.
He's really funny, Simon.
What was it he said about French people? We all hate French people.
What was it? I don't know.
They don't have a good army? Yeah.
Yeah, and that they cheat at football.
He said something else about French something OK, just say you like him now.
Yeah? 18 hours of screaming labour you were and this is how you repay me.
It took three of them to stitch me back together again.
It was like a sweatshop.
Uh! He's just a boring man.
You might as well just get back with Dad.
Oh, spit out! I don't think so! Bastard.
He's nothing like Richard.
Ah! We don't say that name! Clive's fine.
Enough now.
Come on, Bernie, it wouldn't do any harm to look a bit smarter.
Don't make a fuss.
You're fine, Dad.
Is that how you're gonna have your hair? What? Do you wanna borrow a brush? Why? What is it? No, it's fine.
It's just there's a brush in my room if you want to use it.
Or you could borrow a hat.
Don't you like my hair as it is? Of course I do.
But I should get a hat? If you want, yeah.
Are you sure you can be with someone called Clive? I'm just thinking of you.
"Clive Clive Clive!" "Clive" Oh, ssh! Stop saying "Clive"! Does he dye his hair? Stop it now! You're like a 12-year-old! He's very kind to me.
And he's got Sky HD.
Wonderful.
Maybe he's the one.
Come on! On a 47-inch plasma! You can see every single hair in Noel Edmonds' beard! What more do you want from life? Love? True love? Don't be odd.
He's got such a lovely big house.
Oh, has he got a big house? Do you want me to live in a shithole with a full-time job like Debbie Penkman? She's right, Simon.
Who should I be with? A poet? What about when he talks about how long to cook meat? He calls me Captain! He's so fussy about everyone! I don't want to be Captain.
Bernie, say something to him.
You'll have to deal with all sorts of schmucks when you're driving your cab.
He isn't any kind of schmuck.
Yeah.
How old is he? Who cares? If he's over 50, he needs a rectal exam.
Bernie! Stand up for a minute.
What? What's wrong with me? What bra are you wearing? A normal bra.
Can you all Just leave me alone? Is it the right size? They're a bit low.
Would you? Get off me! Leave her, Tanya! She hasn't got time to go home and change her bra.
Have you? No.
Go on, Liz.
Go home.
Cheer up your breasts! You're really mean to me! When? I'm so kind to you.
I haven't even mentioned your I'll get some Sellotape.
Oh, does Clive like melon? My picture hook has come loose.
Could he bang it back in for me? Yeah, ask.
Can he hammer things? I've misjudged this guy.
He can operate a hammer? He's a nice, reliable man, Simon.
He's been married before.
That's good.
Is it? It means he's not abnormal.
He got divorced about 20 years ago.
No kids.
Perfect.
Why did they get divorced? He ran over a tramp.
What? Oh, shush! "Ran over a tramp"! Not this again! Leslie was a witness.
Ignore him.
It's nothing.
Yes, stop talking, Dad.
Who's Leslie? Leslie Hyman with the curtain shop.
It was in the Ilford Recorder.
That was Clive.
He didn't? Of course he didn't.
We were talking about it this morning.
End of Beehive Lane.
Dad! Shush! He doesn't know what he's talking about.
He's gone mad.
They've got speed bumps there now, so I cut through Collinwood Gardens.
When was this? He makes things up.
February 1988.
It's on the internet.
It happened such a long time ago.
So he's a murderer? I think that might be even worse than boring! It was an accident! How can you be with a boring murderer? He does a lot of work with a homeless charity now.
Does he? That's good.
Do they know he killed one of their people? Accidents happen.
He didn't drop a spoon.
Don't listen to him.
He's a vegetarian.
Listen, he hasn't killed anyone since.
Oh, really? Oh.
Shush now.
It'd be nice for you to have a new daddy.
Oh! Poor Simon! You've been such a brave boy.
But Mummy's got to be pleasured somehow.
Oh, God! Oh, gosh! Your mother has sexual desires, Simon.
Good.
There you go.
Have you put your ointment on? Stop scratching.
You'll make it bleed! Have you done your poo yet today? Mum! Here he is! Oh, Clive's here! We've all been waiting.
Peking Palace.
You order Chinese food.
"Plawn clackers"! Not really.
Guylian for the lady.
Ooh, Guylian! Shall I take your jacket? I thought you'd never ask.
Soon I'll have to wait a full five seconds! Bernie, say hello to Clive.
Hello.
Hello, Bernie.
You're looking well.
What are you feeding this stallion? Oh, fish? Adam, Liz! Nice hat.
I thought I could smell garlic.
And here's the man who nearly made me wet myself last night.
Oh, sorry.
Come on, Captain! What are we doing? Oh, really? Is that what we do now? A little hug, why not? Hey! I caught the first five minutes of the show.
Great gags.
Some of them really worked.
I love all that edgy, offensive stuff.
Good.
That's what we're going for.
Simon, look at these! Hang on, what are they? Simon only eats dark chocolate.
Once you go dark, you never go "bark"! He's so funny! Maybe you should be on the television together.
Yeah! Hello, I'm Clive Freeman.
This is the Captain.
That was something.
This is something else.
Just kidding.
That was good.
I'm sure it's a lot harder.
You have to carry all that dough home! Simon wants to quit.
Tell Clive why you want to quit.
He's not gonna quit.
He's worse than you dealing with real life.
Talk to Clive.
What are you gonna do? I think I need to find some love in my life.
Shut up! What for? I'm very lonely.
Nonsense! For God's sake! You're not.
I thought you'd got the cat.
The cat didn't make me any less lonely.
It just became a mascot for my loneliness.
Was that sarcastic? No.
Shall we look at some interracial creampies on Grandpa's computer? What are you turning into? I'm a good laugh now.
Don't bother Simon today.
Can't you see he's trying to bond with Clive? You're not lonely.
You've met Michael Buble.
You'll be all right.
A good-looking lad like you! Oh, hang on.
Don't get ideas.
Hey, I'm taken, mate.
Oh, no.
I don't have a problem with it.
It's just not my style.
OK.
How is everyone? Happy? Ready to eat in a minute? I've just got to do a thing.
Where's he going? Oh, there you are! I've been looking for you.
Oh, yeah.
Why? What's going on? No, nothing.
It's nice to have Clive here, isn't it? Is it? Do you think your daughter should be with a psychopath or does it not matter that he's killed someone? I think I've got prostate cancer.
What? You haven't got cancer.
Shut up! You're joking, aren't you? You are joking? Are you joking? Say you're joking.
No.
Why are you telling me? Shall I get an adult? Sorry, when did you decide you had prostate cancer? What's going on? Nothing.
Have you started without me? Can you give us five minutes? Are you on Creampie? What is this? Is this peer pressure? You're an independent financial adviser.
Not any more.
It's like you with TV, me with dispensing financial advice.
It's just not my passion any more.
Let's hang out and look at some porn with Grandpa.
No, just give me five minutes.
Oh, come on! No.
Go! Now! Please, thank you, goodbye! Oh, God, you're not crying, are you? Should I hug you? Am I supposed to hug you? Shall I get Mum? I don't know why you've told me.
I'm not good at things.
How am I doing? I'm going for a concerned, sensitive voice.
Yeah, very good.
It's all right, isn't it? I don't want to worry anyone.
We've got Clive here.
What, you're not allowed to have cancer if Clive's here? Have you been to the doctor? No.
Looked it up on the internet.
What did it say on the internet? Go on, I'm here.
I'm a person.
We can do this.
Oh, God! I think that's Adam's.
Well, she doesn't live in this area.
There we are.
"Prostate cancer symptoms "frequent urination, difficulty starting "and maintaining a steady stream of urine, blood in the urine.
" There's no blood, is there? No.
Fine.
Carry on.
"Difficulty achieving or sustaining an erection, "painful ejaculation.
" OK.
Is that all right? Is that? That's all right.
Good news! Good! "Urinary and faecal incontinence.
" OK.
Can we just say you've been weeing a lot and you haven't got prostate cancer? What about that? Here's the plan.
Go to the doctor tomorrow.
In the meantime, just think positively.
I read a book.
If you visualise something like a healthy body, it comes to you.
You shouldn't be thinking about cancer.
Don't think about cancer.
Think about a healthy body.
Just think about health.
Health? Health.
Health.
"I'm a healthy person.
Oh, I feel so healthy.
"I feel so healthy.
"Oh, there's so much health in me!" Yeah? How healthy are you? It depends.
I may have prostate cancer.
No, you're healthy! Thinking makes it so.
Are you feeling the good energy? Good.
That's sorted, then, yes? I was quite good there, no? Yeah, yeah, very good.
Health.
Yeah, it's about creating positive energy.
Show me where it says Clive murdered someone.
That'll cheer you up a bit.
Everything's ready.
If you'd like to come through Lovely.
Come on, Adam.
Stop touching my boobs.
Why won't you let me help you? Lilly, you've done us proud.
Come on, folks.
Let's get cracking.
Have a look at the seating plan.
I want to sit next to my Simon.
I've put you next to Clive, no? Yeah, that's also good.
Sorry, Mum.
Can you take that off? It's awful.
Oi! There, take a piece, Simon.
Take a big piece.
Can you eat your melon first? Clive, how old are you? 54.
There you are.
Ssh, don't start! Last night, Tanya and I had the most succulent lamb.
Really? Marinated in the oven overnight, 24 hours, so it just melted off the bone.
So tender.
Sorry, big man.
I know you veggies can get sensitive.
We had one in our office.
Well, until I re-programmed him with one of my famous rib-eye steaks, that is! Poor lad couldn't resist! Isn't it nice all being together? I feel a song coming on.
Oh, God! Please don't.
Stop.
We'll tell you everything! What? I don't think Elaine Paige'll lose any sleep.
Not unless you move in with her! Simon, do you want your avocado now or when everyone's having their chicken? Whenever.
I'll bring it in with the chicken.
OK.
How was the drive, Clive? Oh, great.
I did hit a bit of traffic on Fencepiece Road, but otherwise good, can't complain.
How's business? Must be difficult at the moment.
No, not been affected.
People aren't gonna stop buying boxes.
It's true.
Otherwise, where would they put things? Ten points! What sort of boxes are they? They're all different.
They're mostly removable, collapsible containers.
Pallets, stack/nest units.
Gosh! What do you think of that, Simon? Yeah, wonderful.
Boxes, fun! What's your what's your favourite box? Out of all the boxes that you've worked with? OK, that's a good question.
The stack/nests are pretty nifty.
Hmm.
Cos you can put a lot of stuff in them? That's the idea.
They're all a patented design.
We're the only company that can supply them to 27 territories.
Thanks, Liz.
Is it quite annoying when you see somebody else has got quite a good box and you think, "Oh.
That could have been one of ours"? What's this guy on? You been sniffing Mr Sheen again? There you are.
Hey, you, stop eyeing my chicken! You've made your bed! If you ask him nicely, he'll help you decorate your flat.
My flat's fine, isn't it? It's a bit bare, no? Do you want a slice before I take it through? No.
No, thanks.
I'm all right.
No? What was Bernie talking to you about upstairs? Oh, golf stuff.
He's got a new way of bending his knees.
Has he? Just slightly lower.
Will you talk to Clive a bit more? Try and have a nice conversation.
I did.
I really like him.
Didn't you say you thought he was an appalling person? - No, I didn't say that.
- Simon! You think maybe he molests children? Simon, shush, he'll hear! Simon! You don't have to get on with everyone.
Just be friendly.
Make your grandma happy, yeah? Or we'll fall out.
You're a good boy.
Just smile when you see him.
Let me see that smile.
Simon! You don't think she could do better? No.
That's not what you think, really.
No, no, I think Clive Is fabulous.
I was going for "a prick".
Simon! Listen to me now.
Just do it for me, yeah? Oh, God! What? What is it? It's nothing.
Do you want some water? No, it's probably just heartburn.
Don't worry about me.
What were you saying? Oh, that you're going to be a good boy, yeah? Yeah, of course.
Such a good boy.
You're no bother, are you? You've never been a bother.
Simon! Maybe I'll just go and see Adam.
Yeah, OK.
And Simon Don't give up the show, will you? Silly! Simon! For God's sake! Simon! What? Oh, Jesus, what have you done? I'm ready for Thailand.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, my God! You like it, yeah? Yeah.
Don't show your mum yet.
Just stay here.
Don't move, OK? I'll sort something out.
It's lovely.
It's really lovely.
It's really God, it's lovely! Good work.
Try not to be in the same room as me again today, OK? Just wait two more minutes, all right? Has he done it? Oh, isn't he clever? He's done it, Tanya.
How does he do it? Are we ready now? What for? For what? Right.
Quiet, please! Hang on a minute.
Where's Adam? Adam! He's fine.
He's fine.
We've got an announcement.
What announcement? Adam! Ssh! I want Adam to hear the announcement.
I think he's doing his coursework.
What announcement? I've got to go home in a minute.
Bernie, listen.
Tanya's going to say something.
Adam, quick! Go on.
Right Clive and I have been going out for a while now and Grandpa's got cancer.
What? You haven't? Yeah.
You're joking! What's going on? He's weeing a lot.
What does that mean? Prostate cancer.
Stop it, Bernie.
Don't show off! It won't be cancer.
Years ago, he said he found a lump on his testicle and it was a raisin.
When was that? Years ago.
A raisin? We used to eat a lot more dried fruit.
A raisin.
It was in his pants.
So is it cancer? Are you sure it's not just another raisin? Is it cancer or a raisin? Dad! I've done the research.
There's an operation.
All right, Dad.
Is he OK? What happened up there? What's going on? You hear Dad might be dying and you don't tell anyone! When were you going to tell us? At the shivah? Have you thought about meditating? No! Simon says I should try to think positively.
You said what? Thinking makes it so.
Health.
What is wrong with you? That makes sense - positive thinking.
That's the theme.
There's a book by Eckhart Tolle called A New Earth.
OK, forget it.
I didn't know what to say to him.
I'm only 12.
Yeah, what? What are you wearing my mum's hat for? Take it off.
Let him express himself.
Take it off.
You look peculiar! All right, chill out.
What's happened to you? Is he taking the piss? Tell her what we're doing.
I'm not doing anything! Did you shave my child? He shaved himself.
It's a Buddhist thing.
You can't help yourself, can you? Look at him.
You come here and all you do is try to ruin everything for everyone! All right, Liz, can you chill out and try not to abuse my son for five seconds? Tanya, my father has cancer and my son is bald! It'll grow back.
Maybe put the beret back on.
There we go.
Lovely.
You haven't got cancer, have you? Look, better safe than sorry.
I've got a doctor friend who lives ten minutes away.
Seven in the Lex.
He's the best.
Thanks, Clive.
Thank God you're here! Yeah, thank you.
Isn't he good? He's an old pal from my raving days.
Just texted him.
Grab your coat, Bernie.
Texted him? Amazing, isn't he? Good old Clive! Don't worry.
You're in safe hands.
This chap does a lot of big names.
Really? Who? Who? I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you.
OK, well, drive carefully.
Yeah.
Hang on.
In other news, Mum, we're engaged.
Oh, really? Are you really engaged? She's engaged.
Oh, thank God! We've just got to purchase the all-important bling next week.
Mum, really, you're going to marry someone who says "bling"? Simon, before we go, I've talked to your mum and I think it would be really great if you would be my best man.
Oh, gosh! Really? No? Me, your best man? He'd love to.
Go! Don't worry, Mum, he'll be all right.
You know what he's like.
Yeah.
What a day, eh? OK, can I just say this? What? I'm going to say a thing.
Ready? Simon's got his serious face on.
I wonder what he's gonna say? Shush.
Don't encourage him.
What are you? Ssh! OK.
Look, I get that Clive is definitely an available man.
I understand that he's a man.
He's also killed a man, but that's fine cos he sells boxes and he can send a text message.
He's reliable.
Don't you think you could do a bit better? If you settle for him, you'll just end up unhappy for the rest of your life.
You know what? Why don't you do your Dame Edna? Oh, yes.
I'm going.
Let me know about Grandpa.
Do it.
It makes me so happy.
For your grandma.
Makes her smile.
She's had a hard day.
Go on.
No.
Please, for your grandma.
No.
Go on, Simon! Oh, God! Just do it.
Quick! Hello, possums!