Great Night Out (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

1 Five nowt! Five nowt! We were lucky to get the nowt! Oh, when the Bees go marching in Oh, when the Bees go marching in! Why would bees go marching in? They'd fly, dickhead! Dah! Look, you're all upset cos you lost, didn't you! And you've gotta live 'oop north'! 'Ooh, can I have some mushy peas, please?!' That's if you can afford any, mate.
You got any jobs left up here? Yeah.
We all work in a lemonade factory so we can keep watering down your shandy.
Won't forget your face, mate.
Course you won't, cos your shandy's too weak and you can't get bladdered! Go suck on an ale, Shandy Andy! Oh, when the Bees go marching in When the Bees go marching in! That told them, didn't it? Phone, can you tell me what is the next home game for Stockport? Any chance you can show off with that a bit more? 'Search for stock cube.
' Stock cube? Don't you start.
Your phone can't even ring Julie's number.
Just waiting for the right moment.
You've been waiting for that since we left school.
Just get her rung.
I will.
Go on, then.
Who are you, my mother? You say you'll do it.
Do it now! All right.
Go on.
It's ringing.
It's the answer phone.
All right.
Just stay calm.
Be yourself.
Keep it brief.
Hi, Julie.
It's Glyn.
Bye.
Well, it was brief.
All it lacked was some heavy breathing.
Do you know where she lives? Go round and ask her out? Oh, I can't do that.
Why not invite her to Hodge's anniversary do tonight? Defo.
More the merrier.
You need to have a good one after last year.
What happened last year? He threw Kath down the stairs! I did not throw her! We had a few drinks.
I was carrying her up the stairs, she was wearing a silk kimono, lost my footing and she slipped out of my hands like a wet mackerel.
Here they are! Didn't your team know it was a lunchtime kick off? Tell you what, I've got to admire you lads for sticking with that shower.
But if you wanna see some real football, United game's just started.
Warren, that's piracy - streaming games from Scandinavia.
For educational purposes, son! I'm learning to say 'the referee's a vanker' in Swedish.
Will you please turn it off, because it reminds me of Colleen.
Yeah, we've been rowing again.
Hang on, hang on, you'll understand when I tell you why.
She wants me to go to Old Trafford.
Why? What-what - Why would she - Why?! Dunno.
Her company's got a box there.
Free buffet and bar, Colleen's been invited She wants me to go with her.
Old Trafford You did say no, didn't you? Oh, God, that's why we're rowing! Get yourself a girlfriend, Beggs! Find out how it works.
Man up, Daz.
I want you and Colleen there tonight.
I want everyone there.
Or at least 10 of you.
Tight arse has got discount vouchers only valid for 10 or more - Whoa! United nearly scored then! See! This is how it starts.
Did you win? No.
Five nil.
Colleen! I'm - I'm all right about it! I am! You see, this is what I'm talking about.
You could turn that five upside down at United.
I've just googled their buffet menu.
They do samosas.
Ooh Who would have thought they built paradise at Old Trafford? So, are you on for tonight? Hodge needs at least 10 people.
Oh, Daz, when you put it like that, how can I say no? The truth is, Bev's had some bad news.
Eh? Ian was murdered this morning.
Who's Ian? Oh Ian He'll be in heaven now, won't he, Col? Where no more Renault Espaces can run him over.
Yeah, yeah You know, you need to grieve alone and you'll want your own space.
I can always take Colleen out tonight, you know? Daz, you're so sweet but Col's gonna help me with my poem.
Poem? For Ian's book of condolences web page.
Hmm Like what they did with Lady Di, only online.
It begins, 'Dearest Ian, up in heaven' That's as far as I got.
Oh, OK.
Er What about this? Dearest Ian, up in heaven I always wondered, is it a bit like Devon.
Mmm no.
He never went to Devon.
Hi, Julie.
All right? Yeah, I were just passing.
I'm on my way to the shops.
I-I come this way because, one, it's quicker and two, I miss out all the lights on the main road.
It doesn't matter why I was passing, does it? It's normal to pass.
People pass all the time! Just give me a break, will you? This is hard! This is ridiculous.
She might not even be in.
Ha ha, there she is! My pride and joy! 'Ey, guess where I am.
Grandma's! Hiya, Grandma.
Hello, Kelly, love! Mum, it's got a microphone.
You don't have to shout all the way to Australia.
You all right, love? Yeah, tired.
It's already midnight here.
Is it really? Isn't that clever.
I've just been to Morrisons.
'Ey, and you'll never guess what, they've moved the goujons.
All right.
She's not gonna wanna know about that! Well, she used to love goujons.
You still up.
Oh, hello, Beggsy.
All right, Mandy.
Oh, hang on.
I just wanna show you something.
'Ey, she's growing up, isn't she? Oh, God, you smell great! Wayne Huh? What? Oh! Hi, Beggsy.
How's the weather there, Wayne? Oh, the usual, hot and sunny.
There? Shit awful.
Look, I got this at the surf club.
Oh-oh, wow! Yeah, she's come along great, eh? If you don't mind, I think I'd better get a certain young lady to bed.
It's way past her bedtime.
OK.
Night, Dad! Night, love! Well, see you, then.
Yeah.
Look, she's only got the one dad.
It's OK.
I'm fine.
I AM! Come on.
Tell me about these bloody goujons! Ooh, it were anarchy! It were like the riots all over again.
Hiya! I got your text.
'Just passing.
Glyn.
' Nearly as short as your answer phone message.
Right, OK, then.
I'll - I'll see ya.
Paddy Hodgkinson! Remember him? Erm Once, he forgot to do his flies up after PE.
Oh, yeah, Hodge the Todge? Yeah.
It's his anniversary tonight.
He's having this posh do in Manchester and he's paying.
Huh? So I was wondering if - Tonight? Oh, I can't.
I've got my salsa class down the Legion, you know? I never miss it, so Well, you know, but maybe we could go out some other time? Yeah.
OK.
Great.
Well, call me.
I'll call you.
Or text you.
Yeah Nice to meet you.
See ya! See ya.
Nice to see ya OK, then.
You're bloody useless.
Wow! You should see what's underneath.
Boo! 'Ey! Fun first, filth later.
Ahh Such a nice idea inviting your best man and my bridesmaids.
See, brings the whole day back somehow.
You walking down that aisle.
And you shaking like a shitting dog.
Hiya, Jan! It's me.
Just calling to say we're all meeting in the bar at six tonight, not seven.
So My anniversary do? Well, you should all know about it.
Didn't you get Hodges' email? Well, where are you? The Isle of bloody Skye? What you doing there? Weekend break! Right.
Stormy there, is it? Yeah, I think it's gonna get stormy here in a minute, as well.
Salsa classes? And you've just accepted that? Then you let her go off on her merry way? Well, I'll be seeing her again.
Did your mother drop you on your head when you were a baby? People don't go to salsa classes to dance, you dippy sod! They go there to meet people.
She's on the pull, this Julie girl! No way It's a knocking shop! They're there to try and get their leg over! Er Where are these classes taking place? At the Legion.
You know, down Desford Road.
The Legion, them bloody sleazebags! I'd get down there pretty sharp if I was you! Yeah, you're right, you're right.
Oh Wait there, have another drink, lad.
Don't wanna appear too desperate.
Bit of Dutch courage! Oh, cheers, Warren.
Heh heh That'll er be £2.
80, please, son.
No, Meera, it's fine.
You can't get a babysitter, you can't get one.
It's our fault.
Well, it's Hodges' fault.
See ya.
Brilliant! You've told all my friends the WRONG date! Typo on the email.
It's a mistake anybody could make.
But which you specialise in! No, Donna, no Meena, Jan's away.
Did you contact Summer? Summer? No.
Brilliant! I'll have no bridesmaids there! So, basically, it's a lads' night out plus me! No, no.
Colleen's coming.
She's a girl.
Sweetheart, you do not wanna know what will happen if anything else goes wrong tonight, but it will involve your testicles and my curling tongs.
What the bloody hell are you doing here? I've come to give you moral support.
Let her see you've got mates.
Mates with bad dress sense? Christ Genuine silk this, lad.
All the way from bloody Italy.
You can glare it back, the wingspan of that collar! Come on, which one is she, the lovely Julie? Oh, dear me.
What, she's gorgeous.
Absolutely.
Every bloke in here will be drawn to her like sharks to a bloody candle.
She's seen us! All right.
Please.
Glyn? Julie?! Huh! It's - It's Julie.
What Julie Fancy seeing you here.
I told you I was coming here.
Erm What are you doing here with erm Oh, I'm Warren.
I'm a mate of Glyn's.
Not really.
He's been drinking in my pub since he was that high.
Nice lad.
Soft in the head but he means well.
Oh, and he's single, you know? Been single for a few years - Shouldn't you be going? What about that girl you went with a few years ago? What was her name - the big, the big heavy girl, worked in Greggs'.
Always smelt of pasties.
Sharon.
Even Sharon dumped him and then he was devastated because she'd slip him the old free sausage rolls, you see.
Oh Right, yeah, the class is starting now.
Er Have you come to join us? Yeah! Yeah.
Because you were saying you were coming here and I thought, 'Glyn, why don't you give it a whirl?' I thought you were going for a meal with Hodge the Todge? Cancelled that.
Last minute.
Oh Right, great.
Well, come on.
Are Are you joining us? Oh, yes - No.
Oh, yes.
I'll teach you young 'uns a thing or two! Ooh Ow Oh.
Always remember, warm up first.
That's the first rule.
Bit of a twinge You sure you'll be OK, Bev? I'm fine.
You go and have a good time.
I never realised you had a sensitive side, Daz.
I always thought you were a selfish twat.
Thanks so much for the poem.
'Oh no, do not grieve for me It's great up here with no doggies Now stop crying, get on with your life And buy another moggy.
' Perfect.
I think so.
Come on, Wordsworth.
See you later, Bev.
Hiya! Happy anniversary! Right, then, let's get this show running.
We've had some cancellations.
They're not cancellations if they weren't invited in the first place.
Anniversary! Celebration! Can we please start having a good time! You sound like the Child Catcher, when you raise your voice.
Hola, everybody.
Salsa is-a lik-a life.
The more you put into it, the more you get out.
Now, salsa has been a part of my people's culture for generations.
He sounds as though he's from Burnley.
And now I share my culture with you.
This is an intermediate class, so if there's anyone who hasn't danced salsa before, now's the time to raise your hand so that I can be the partner through the basics.
Piece of piss, this.
Laura and Jonathan - me star pupils - will show you today's new routine.
It's a basic hammer-lock combination.
Five, six, seven and one, two, three, five, six, seven three, two, three, five, six, seven.
Eight, two, three Oh, this looks nice.
Drop us here.
We can't walk in these heels.
Yup.
Right.
See you in a minute.
Come on.
Let's find somewhere to park.
'Ey, look at this! Classy or what? Where's the bar? Dunno.
When we find it we're ordering something expensive and unpronounceable.
Hodge is paying for tonight.
It's over here.
Right.
Now it's your turn.
Partners, first of all.
Sorry, Julie, thought - thought we could dance.
Oh, we will.
Jonathan's going to help me out me out with this tricky move.
So OK.
Good.
Good.
Good luck.
'Ey, that cheeky cow said she didn't like my shirt! Excuse me Gerado.
Sorry.
We haven't got any women.
It don't matter who your partner is, as long as you feel the music.
Come on, son, you're in safe hands.
One, two, three Down on one knee, not - Watch your knees, you dumb I've gotta turn.
I've gotta turn now Don't follow them! Follow me! Around, two, three Lend yourself.
Give yourself to me.
I don't wanna give myself to you.
So, let me get this straight.
You told your six-year-old nephew that Fireman Sam was gay.
I just said I had my suspicions.
Why? Most fireman are beating women off with a shitty stick, aren't they? I've never seen Sam so much as look at a woman.
Every thought of being a child psychologist? You've killed him.
Oh, my God! You've killed him! It wasn't my fault! No, he's not dead.
He's moving.
It's your fault, banging on about Fireman friggin' Sam! Shut up about Fireman Sam! Let's just Just get him up! Come on! Come on, then.
Come on.
Get him on the pavement.
Come on.
Watch your legs.
There we are.
You all right? He can't talk.
He hit his head, he's brain damaged.
No, no, no.
He's drunk.
Are you OK, pal? I gotta - Yeah, get back! What did he say? Er get back.
Gotta get back.
Get back Why's he saying get back? Maybe he's a Beatle fan? He wants to get back somewhere.
It's like having Hercule Poirot as a mate! Look I've gotta get back.
Get back.
Where are you from, pal? London! Ooh-ooh There we go.
He needs to get back to London.
On fire tonight, aren't you? It's OK.
It's OK.
Crash is over.
Let's go.
Not our problem.
Wh - wh - hang on! The train station's just there.
Come on.
It'll take us five minutes.
Please, please, please.
I've got to get back.
All right.
Come on.
Here, under his shoulder There we go! Phone, when is the next train from Manchester to London? 'Checking trains from Manchester, New England' No, Manchester UK, you twat! 'Twat.
OK.
Twat.
Checking' Here y'are, mate.
Right.
Done.
Whoa What you doing? Checking if he's got a ticket.
Check his trouser pockets.
You check his trouser pockets.
You had to play the Good Samaritan.
Ooh, ey, ey! Ooh! Any excuse, eh?! Whoo! Something moved! What? What do you think? Get off! Right, come on.
Let's get him on the train.
No, let's not.
If I don't get back soon, that thing that you just touched on him will be cut off me! How many times have we been him? How would you have felt if we'd not fished you out of Cardiff Bay that time? Or left you with that tranny in Leeds.
What happens in Leeds, stays in Leeds.
All right.
Here we go.
All right.
Hang on, mate.
Sorry, mate.
Watch it.
Sorry, love.
Come on, pal Nice one.
Whoa, whoa Just take your time.
It doesn't go out for ages.
This one here.
Thank you.
There we go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa All right, mate.
Can you hear me? I've written my name on the back of the receipt, yeah? You just send me a cheque for the ticket.
Come on.
Look after him, won't you? Come on! Job's a good 'un! No, you divvy, it's elbows in and turn there.
Gracias! OK, everyone change.
Oops Hey Oh, bloody hell, son! Hang on a minute, will you! Hope you've warmed your hands up.
OK? Bear with me.
I'm still learning.
Yeah, that's fine.
OK.
That's it.
And One, two, three Oh! Ow! Sorry.
You all right? Yes.
I'm fine.
Fine.
Sorry.
One, two, three, one, two, three One, two Hey! All right.
You just follow me and try and keep OK? Whoo! I must say, Jonathan, you're very masterful.
Feels good, don't it? Er What does? A little act of human kindness.
They're here.
Let's get the drinks in.
Two more char Char of these and three pints of bitter, please.
Hello.
I've got a table booked for tonight.
Name of Hodgkinson.
Ah, yes, sir.
And with the promotional voucher.
Sorted? Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa Look.
Didn't we just put that fella on a train? Oh, my God.
Right! I reckon we've got about 10 minutes.
Hang on! I'm not going back for him.
He's the groom.
It's his wedding day.
You go over there, tell her what we've done.
Sorry! Sorry! There he is! Come on! All right, mate.
Quick.
Come on.
Quick! Pick him up! It's OK, love.
We've just gotta get him back to his wedding.
Thanks for looking after him.
This way.
This way.
No, no, no! That way.
That way.
Come on! Doors are closing! Come on! The train's going! It's going, come on! Out of the way, last night of the proms! At least it's an anniversary you'll remember! Where's it going? Where's this train going? London, at a wild guess? Yes, but where's it stopping? Mate, where's this train stop first? Stockport.
Oh, yes! Right, we get off.
We get into a cab.
We'll be back at the hotel within half an hour.
So, tickets? No.
No, this is an accident.
We're not supposed to be on this train.
Oh, I know, neither am I.
I'm supposed to be on the West End stage, but here we are.
So, three tickets to Stockport, that'll be £9.
00 please.
I've been watching.
You're not intermediate.
You're all over the place.
You nearly crippled Mrs Barkett.
It was her fault.
She was hoop turning when she should have been hammer locking.
You're a menace, you! Get out.
You're banned! Oh! Ho ho! Well, what a bloody shame! We only came here for the women, didn't we, Glyn? You're banned as well.
That's not fair.
Glyn hasn't done anything wrong.
Yeah, come on.
I'm doing well here.
Dancing.
Not Just, just dancing.
All right, Strictly ballbag! I'm going, aren't I?! Come on, Glyn.
That bride don't look too happy, does she? Weddings - they're a killer on the nerves.
Hodge was like a quivering jelly at ours.
Everyone thought he'd pissed himself.
You're joking? Well, he hadn't really.
Went to splash water on his face.
But you know them powerful taps.
Whoosh, all over his groin.
No sod believed him.
That's why in our wedding photos he's holding a bouquet over his trousers.
What about Daz? He once got drunk and pissed in the fridge.
Ooh No, I meant marriage.
Marriage? Maybe, but only when I've house-trained him.
Good girl.
And if you ever do get spliced, I wanna be bridesmaid.
Hold on.
Did someone say bridesmaid? Summer is here! Hello, you.
Ooh! Hiya, Summer! Oh, you do remember me, then! Hello, my name's Kath and I hardly call my friends, now I'm married! You heard her say that, didn't you? This is Colleen, Daz's girlfriend.
You go out with Daz Taylor.
Christ, what sort of sin did you commit in a former life?! She's joking! Summer's one of my oldest friends.
Oldest and more, thank you very much! There are things about this woman that only me and a shared bottle of Southern Comfort will ever know.
Oh, it's all right! Turned out to be negative in the end, didn't it? Right.
Drinks! Come on.
I wanna get us pissed, celebrate this bloody anniversary and have a right good larda palava! Waiter, we're waiting! F - For better Ow! Ow - for worse.
I dunno 'If you are leaving us here, please remember to take all of your personal belongings with you.
The next station stop is Stockport.
' All our belongings, yeah.
Very funny! Come on.
Let's go.
Come on.
'Give my regards to sunny Stockport.
' Come on, come on, come on.
Slow down.
Watch the step, mate.
There's a step there.
The flowers are lovely, aren't they! There's a train back to Manchester in - now.
Platform 1.
Over there.
Move it, lads! Come on.
Come on.
Come on! Oh, excuse me.
Thank you.
Look out! Come on, come on, come on! Sorry, mate! Come on, come on, come on, come on! Shit! Missed it! Platform alteration.
The Manchester train will now leave from Platform 3A.
Bloody hell! Come on! Come on! Now! Come on.
Come on.
Come on! Whoa, whoa, whoa Come on.
This is it.
No, it's not.
It's one more along.
It's one more along! Are you sure? Course I'm sure.
Come on! Is this allowed? Come on! Oh, did we not fancy Stockport, in the end? Well, it's hardly St Tropez, is it? Oh, you are joking me.
Just sit back and enjoy the ride.
Where does this train stop next? Stoke.
Oh, Stoke, Stoke's all right.
Ordinarily.
Unfortunately, this weekend, due to planned engineering works, we'll be shooting straight on through to London.
So tickets.
Now, Julie, can I just say - I bloody love coming here.
You speak first.
Gerado thinks I invited you and he's threatening to ban me too.
That's not on.
No, Glyn, what is not on is you stalking me here! Ah, no.
I wasn't stalking you.
I was just following you without you knowing.
Which is stalking, isn't it? Will you give me one minute? One minute.
Gerado, sorry.
Could I have a word, please? Si.
See what? No, I meant si.
It's Spanish for yes.
Right.
Look.
Please don't ban Julie.
It was all my fault.
You see, I've liked her ever since school.
When I found out she was coming here tonight, I just got a bit jealous.
I acted daft.
But everybody does daft things, don't they, when they're mad on someone? Where you from, you? Just round here, Stockport.
Why? The way you just spoke about your love for Julie, you too have some Latino blood, no? I don't think so.
You're like me, you know? Your family moved here from somewhere else.
My mum's from Doffcocker.
Ah Doffcocker.
You have moved my heart.
You have passion coursing through your veins.
I withdraw the ban.
Come back to t'world of salsa.
You are back in the world of salsa.
Thank you, Glyn.
I reckon we can still make Hodges' meal.
You said it'd been cancelled.
Ahh I sometimes lie.
It's the Doffcocker in me.
This is all your fault.
Just Just calm down.
Calm down?! I'm missing my fifth wedding anniversary.
Had it all planned - good food, good wine.
Me and Kath were going to go home, drink champagne and have one of our special showers together.
That's right - sex! Get over it! My head feels like pain.
It's all right, mate.
You just had a few too many, that's all.
Yeah, you're all right because we're looking after you.
Yeah.
And you're on a train to London.
What So you could stop at Macclesfield? Unauthorised stops are only permitted in the event of fire, medical emergency or an outbreak of violence.
So, is Dopey out there likely to commit an act of violence, suffer a heart attack or set himself on fire? Er No, I don't think so.
Well, sadly, we shall be whistling through Macclesfield at approximately 100 miles per hour, which some might say is the very best way to see it.
B-But - But it is his wedding night.
Whoo! Yeah! If I'd not called Jan on the off chance, I wouldn't have known about tonight.
I wouldn't be here now! Bummer! What's Hodge like with his invites? Well, daft question.
I know exactly what he's like.
Go on, I am sat here, you know? No, Hodge is lovely.
He really is.
You know he pissed himself at their wedding.
It was water.
Hm? Think it was urine.
Well, water - urine, you didn't have to tell everyone, did you? Come on! I was doing him a favour.
If there's an elephant in the room, it's best to point it out! Too right.
That is the way that I'm starting to feel right now.
Stop it.
Thank you.
I thought I was the only one that noticed.
You, missy, it's your anniversary and you're sat there like a nun with a slapped arse! Where's the Kath we all know and love, eh? Well, that Kath doesn't go out so much any more, Summer.
Yes, and d'you know why? Hodge.
No.
Don't look at me like that.
All men try and turn you into their mothers, if you let them.
At the end of the day, they're all scumbags.
Fact.
All right.
Hi.
What's the matter? Apparently, you're a scumbag, Glyn.
Oh, Kath, yeah.
Well, I wrote you a card.
I just forgot it.
Mmmm Oh, Christ Glyn, don't be a stranger! Come here! Here we go.
Ah, murderer! Murderer! Jack the Ripper! Get off! Sorry.
Er Julie, this is Colleen, Kath - Hello.
Hello.
Summer.
Nice to meet you.
Thanks.
Where's the lads? Dead.
Yeah.
Came off the ring road into a lamppost.
Just like that, apparently.
Ignore her, Glyn.
They're just late.
God knows where they are! Yeah, they'll be here in a minute.
Are you his girlfriend, then? Erm Well - Oh, as he not asked you yet? Don't you worry, flower.
This one has always been a little bit shy.
Actually, for a long while we thought he was Team Gay! Didn't we? Remember? Phone conversations we had - Is he? Isn't he? Is he? Isn't he? Oh, my God! You're not, are you, Glyn? You - Are you a - No! Well, you never can tell these days.
Give me your hands.
Let's have a look.
Hm-hm - Yeah.
Definitely a girl.
- Don't you worry.
Phew! You know, it was - It was the day.
You know, the whole wedding All these questions.
'Am I doing the right thing?' 'Do I love her?' Yeah, I guess so.
But, you know, enough to marry her? Enough to leave London? Is this what I want? Questions and pressure! Pressure and questions.
And then more questions and pressure.
So, you felt under pressure.
Yeah, pressure.
Yeah.
And then I think: Of course I should marry.
But I can't decide! This is me all over.
I'm like it all the time.
I'm exactly the same at work.
What - What do you do? I'm an air-traffic controller.
Look, take it from someone who's been around the block a little bit.
Five years married, still going strong.
Marriage isn't something to be frightened of - It's Kath.
Hello, love.
How are you? Where are you? You sound guilty.
Well, you'll never guess.
You'll laugh when I tell you.
We're on a train and we're heading to London.
Stop winding me up! You better be winding me up.
I wish I was.
I need you to do me a favour.
Look around.
Can you see an upset bride anywhere? Hang on a sec, I'll just get a mirror! No, a young bride! I-I-I mean a new bride.
In a white dress.
She's probably crying.
How did you know that, Derren Brown? Are you here, really? Can you see me? What am I doing now? Listen! Go and speak to her.
Tell her not to panic, her husband's with us.
But we're on a train heading for London.
London, London? Hodge, you better tell me what's happening.
Glug - Whoo-hoo! Ooh, I could get used to this! Apart from her, of course.
Let's just forget about her, concentrate on having a great night.
Oh, sorry.
We're starting to worry about you.
Mate, can you get yourself to Macclesfield? What? It's a long story.
Just meet us at the station.
I can't.
I'm with Julie! Well, that'll show her what a great mate you are, then, won't it? 'Please.
Now!' Just hurry up.
That was my mates.
They want me to go and pick 'em up and bring them back here.
Will you be all right with Colleen and Kath? Yeah.
As long as they don't leave me with Summer.
I mean, you won't be long, will you? No.
Just gotta go to Macclesfield.
Macclesfield? Come on, you two love-birds.
What are you two doing sat here talking? You're in a hotel! Get a room! A room for the mushroom! Hey! I'm really sorry.
Oh, Glyn.
Glyn, come back! Oh, come on.
Sod him! We can still have a good time, can't we? Listen, there's a wedding next door, with a dance floor.
Come on.
Come on, up you get.
Up you get and throw some shapes.
Yeah, I think that's enough now, Summer.
She can't stop! Whoo-whoo! This phone's rubbish.
I can't get any signal.
Oh She's a smiler.
Oh, yeah.
It's my daughter Kelly.
Lives in Australia now.
You're divorced.
Yep! And some Aussie, a proper Dick Dundee thinks he's her dad.
And that's why I've never bothered.
It's very risky.
Whoa! But not all marriages are doomed.
Well, take me.
I'm celebrating my fifth wedding anniversary tonight in Manchester.
Ain't I, Darren! Beggsy? Hm? Oh, yeah! Yeah.
It's a good thing, marriage - for some.
For most.
I'll prove it to you.
People of Carriage C - Shut up.
This is a quiet zone.
Just a minute! Mouth.
How many of you are married? Exactly! And how many of you look back on getting married as the best decision of your life? OK.
It's not a great sample.
Right, you lot.
I shouldn't be doing this but I've been talking to your little friend and he's been filling me in on the legend of the runaway groom.
So, I've waved my magic wand and this train will be stopping in Macclesfield.
Oh, you shall go to the ball! Yes.
Yes! Yes.
Yes, you're right.
Marriage isn't for everyone.
I wanna go straight to London.
No stopping.
COME HERE! Whoa! Come on, change.
Change, you bastard.
No-one likes you, red light.
You know that, don't you? Yes.
Hodge, I'm just coming up on Macclesfield now, mate.
Well, you can turn round.
We're not stopping there now.
Why not? Cos Beggsy has turned into a marriage guidance counsellor.
Go on, just get back to Julie.
Oh f Look, I'm so sorry, boys.
I'm just scared about settling down.
Well, you're supposed to be! Oh, I've sat here trying to do my Puzzler and all I've had is 'marry this' and 'relationships that' and 'I don't know what to expect.
' That's the whole bloody point! Erm, excuse me.
Quiet zone.
It's the uncertainty, the worry that keeps it exciting.
Me and my husband were married for 47 years and we must have rowed every single day.
Winding each other up - but we loved every minute of it.
He died two years ago next March.
And I miss him now every day.
How did he pass away? I stabbed him with a bread knife! Cancer.
The point I'm trying to make is, love, it's normal to be scared.
Yeah? So, stop moaning.
Get back to your wife and let me get on with my Puzzler! Wow.
You know, for all our spats, I really love Colleen.
Yeah.
I'd even go to Old Trafford for her.
I think I wanna get back to Manchester, back to my wife.
Oh Great.
How? The guard said the train only stops for fires, outbreaks of violence or medical emergencies.
I could always thump him.
Ticks two boxes.
She knows some swear words, that one.
Bet she's married herself a booby prize an' all! Excuse me? It's a nickname I had for Hodge at your wedding.
I said to him.
I said, 'He's lucky marrying you.
But you're unlucky marrying him.
' You know, the booby prize.
I need a drink.
Ohh Come on! Oh, when the Bees go marching in! Oh, when the Bees go marching in! Come on.
You can do this.
# I wanna be in that number Oh, when the Bees go marching in I thought it was a bit weird that they've run out of lemonade on this train but this explains it.
Shandy Andy Hello, ladies Ooh, argh Get him! No, we've asked that it's just - it doesn't stop unless it's a fire, a medical emergency or an outbreak of - Oh, shit! See you later! Run! RUN! You're right.
I'm gonna say something.
But what if she kicks up a fuss, tries to turn all our friends against me.
She's capable.
What has she got to do for you to kick her out? Start a fire? Shave your eyebrows off for a laugh? She's already done that.
18 to 30, Ayia Napa.
Look, I'm not saying you're lying to me.
I'm just saying you're lying to yourself.
You go to salsa to meet men.
No, I don't.
Yes, you do! No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
Look, I'm on Single Street myself, love.
I know how to get on to A Good Time Avenue.
And I am gonna show you how to get there.
Drink up.
Oh, it's like that, is it? Well, let me tell you something.
If you've got your sights set on Glyn, then I've got two words for you, love: life insurance.
The man is a walking disaster area.
Ask anyone.
Oh, come on, cheer up! 'Ey, I bet I know how I could make you laugh.
Diddle-liddle-liddle-la I think somebody wants a giggle! Summer, you're actually - You're hurting me now.
Come on, laugh, you bitch! Ow! Summer, listen, I've been thinking and - What's going on? She just punched me in the tit! It was accidental.
No, it wasn't.
Yes, it was.
I was aiming for your face.
Kath, say something! I think you should leave.
Yes! I do, too, Little Miss Dress From Primark! No, Summer, I think YOU should leave.
Me?! Oh, I see.
It's like that, is it?! Well, wait until I tell our proper friends what you've turned into.
B-o-r-ing! And I'll tell you another thing, I'm organising a big girls' trip, out to Faliraki in September.
And you are not invited.
I wouldn't go anyway! Hodge is taking me to Centre Parcs! Huh! Well, whose fault's that, Kath?! Aimed for her face, eh? Well, yeah.
Good girl.
She can stay! Too bloody right.
Lovely to meet you! Something wrong with your accelerator? 'Get to Macclesfield, go back to Manchester, come to Stoke' You wanna make up your mind.
You stop being so selfish.
You can easily be replaced! W - Who's he?! OK.
Now us.
Hey! You idiots! Are you not angry with us? Yeah.
But we're also smashed.
Hodge the Todge.
Happy anniversary, baby pie.
Look, I've been thinking.
I'll go with you to Old Trafford but I don't have to watch.
I don't want you to come to Old Trafford.
Eh? It was a test.
And guess what? You've passed! You're frightening her.
Go and talk to her.
I am not frightening - D'you want another one of those? Yeah.
Two more, please.
Hey, lads, he's off again.