Grounded For Life (2001) s01e01 Episode Script

Claudia: What was that? Jimmy: Nothing, mom! Nothing! Claudia: You guys, it sounds like world war III down here.
What Whoa, what is going on in here? Mom! You're standing in hot lava! Excuse me? The floor is made of lava! Hurry, hurry! Get up! Aah! Aah! No, no, no, it's too late.
You burned your foot off.
You get a stripe.
Ah Uh Ha, who's in charge here? Me.
No, you're not.
Hey, where's Lily? She's supposed to be baby-sitting you.
Oh, come on, mom.
We don't need a baby-sitter.
Be Whoa! Ha! You get another stripe! Man, I'm burned all the way up to my heinie.
Whoo! Sean: Lily! You are unbelievable.
Lily, I am sorry! Claudia: Hey, what's going on? You have violated my civil rights! I think you might mean your right to privacy.
Oh! Get away from me! What dad, you're standing in lava! Uh uh uh, I'm wearing titanium boots.
Lily! Hey, Sean, wait uhh, we're gonna be late for dinner now.
Lava! What? Oh Am I gonna die now? Grr.
No, no Aah! Ha ha ha! Aah! Into the lava! No, I'm burning! Burn! Grr! I'm burning! I'm burning! Aah! Dad said we couldn't get a cable box.
They're too expensive.
Your dad and I live in 2 different worlds.
It's stolen, isn't it? "Stolen" would be a word from your dad's world.
All right, boys.
Your grandpa's here to baby-sit.
Oh, man! Oh, no! Walt, thanks for bailing us out.
Oh, always happy to bring some discipline into their lives.
They've got to get it somewhere.
Mom! Mmm, that's what you get for writing on my face.
Oh, now, before we get started, we've gotta make sure we're all on the same page.
There will be spankings.
Well, what if we don't do anything to deserve a spanking? No, there will be spankings.
Claudia: Sean? Lily won't talk to me.
What happened? Uh, I think I may have screwed up just a little bit.
Who are you calling? Shh! Oh, h-hey, uh, Mr.
o'keefe? Yeah, hey, is, uh, is is Brad there? Oh, I'm a friend of his from school and I think it would be really cool if I could talk to him, heh heh heh.
Oh, uh, I'm, uh, Teddy.
Pender Grass.
Yeah, just like the singer, yeah.
Sorry, wrong number! Damn.
Why is Teddy pendergrass calling our neighbors? Do you really want to know? No, I really want to go to dinner.
Well, I i i can't, ok? Not yet, all right? Oh, uh, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
Here, here, hey, hey, hey.
A man's gonna answer, ok? Ask for Brad.
What? What is going on? Hello? Yeah, hi, may I speak to Brad? Who am I? Um M-m-my dad's making me do this! Real smooth, Jimmy! What in the hell is up with Brad o'keefe? O'keefe? That little melonhead from next door? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, he and Lily were over here studying just a little while ago and Ow! This book gave me a paper cut! Yes! Yes! There are naked people on my TV! 9 channels of skin-emax, baby Dad! Do you mind not watching porno while we're studying? Huh? Oh, I'm sorry.
Hey, yeah, Eddie, turn that off, man.
Sean: Come on.
Ow! Stop doing that! Yeah, Brad's whole family is screwed up.
You know, his grandfather side-stepped Korea by acting like a fruit.
Brad studies here all the time.
What happened? That's what I thought.
But what I didn't realize is that Lily likes Brad.
She "likes" him? Yes.
No.
Yes.
Brad? Yes.
Brad Brad? Yes.
Did she tell you this? She didn't have to tell me, ok? I was out walking merv and picking up a bucket of chicken for the kids Oh, that's right, merv.
Smell that post for the 1000th time.
Come on, boy, come on, boy, come on, come on.
Come on, merv, pick up the pace.
Number 2! I know you got it in you.
Let's go! Oh, ho, ho.
Aw, they're gettin' it on.
You stay right here, merv.
I'm gonna go check it out.
Whoo.
Lily! Oh, god! It's not funny, Claudia! I didn't know what else to do! How is throwing chicken even an option? Aw, come on.
You weren't even there! You know, it was very traumatic.
I was just walking down the street, minding my own business, all of a sudden So she was making out with a boy.
It's inevitable.
No, no, no.
This guy had his hands It's not the end of the world.
It's so hard to see your little baby girl with some animal and his tongue Ok, I get it! Walt: Come on, boys, we're on a schedule! Walt, why are my children on a chain gang? I am teaching these boys how to dig a hole.
Let's go! Sean: Why? A good hole can serve a boy in a lot of ways.
It keeps 'em focused, makes 'em sweat, and lets 'em appreciate a warm bed at night.
Hmm.
How much is there to teach about a hole? That's the kind of attitude that leads to substandard holes.
Psst.
Brad.
Psst.
Brad.
Bradley.
What are you trying to do? I want him to come over here.
Brad! Psst! Why? Because he's Lily's first boyfriend, and I screwed the whole thing up.
Brad! Brad.
Yo, Bradley! What'd you do that for? You want to talk to him or not? Shut your pie hole! Hey, what are you finnertys doing out there? Sean wants to talk to Bradley.
Nice.
Hi.
Hey.
Ok.
Hold on a minute.
Do you think his dad knows what happened out on the street? I don't know.
Aah! Aah! I think he knows! Aah! Man.
Brad o'keefe runs crying to his daddy just 'cause he gets a little chicken thrown on him? Big fat wussy.
Well, th-there was more than just chicken.
Biscuits? No, no.
So you still have the biscuits? No.
Then where are the biscuits? There are no biscuits, all right? I'm talking about an additional Incident.
Aah! Oh, my god.
What's going on? It's a crazy maniac.
It's my dad! Aah! Where are you going, lover boy? D-d-don't kill me! I-I'm sorry You'd better run! Ohh! Yeah! What the hell are you doing? What the hell am I i was I i was walking W-what the hell are you doing, missy? Lily Lily, Lily, come on.
I was just joking! Oh, my god.
What have you turned into? I don't know.
Walt.
Oh, no.
No, no.
You're turning into Walt.
Yeah, he wishes.
I am not! It was just a momentary lapse, and I've got to make Lily understand that.
I can't believe you didn't get biscuits.
They come with the chicken.
I didn't get any biscuits! Look, I went out to get a bucket of chicken.
I got a bucket of chicken.
You would have had to specifically ask them to leave the biscuits out.
Oh.
G It's him.
Aaah! Oh! Calm down.
Calm down.
Relax, Brad.
Relax, ok? I just want to talk to you, ok? Ok? Is that ok? Ok.
Ok.
Dad!! No! Shh, shh.
Come on, come on.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, Brad.
Come on, calm down.
I just i just want to apologize, ok? Seriously, ok? Why is he manhandling the o'keefe boy? That's the kid who was scoring with Lily in the car.
Aw, jeez.
Well, that wouldn't have happened if she'd been in the backyard digging a hole.
I just want my book bag and not to be killed.
Ok, sure.
Hey, man.
You're not gonna get killed.
I'm just gonna go upstairs and get Lily.
All right? But you're safe here.
You are our guest, ok? Just surprise! Don't let him leave! You watch oz? Sean: I got a surprise for you.
It's awesome.
What are you doing? Come on, come on.
Just surprise! You're gonna be really happy.
What? Ready? Ta-da! You live to humiliate me.
Lily, come on.
It's Brad.
Everything is cool.
Ohh! I think I'm gonna go now.
No, you're not going anywhere, pal.
Have a have a mint.
Where are you going? Uh, to the kitchen to talk with Lily.
Good.
Yeah, good.
Can I, um, give you a little piece of advice before you go in there? Yeah.
Do not go in there.
W-what? No, I gotta go in there to make things right with Lily.
Ha ha, you can't.
See, she's a teenage girl, and you're her father.
Anything that you do will be wrong, because you, her father, are doing it.
Come on, come on.
I'm not like a dad dad.
You know, I'm like a whoo-hoo dad.
Sean: Hey, lil.
Uh, heh, why are you eating croutons? Well, I was hungry, and we don't have any chicken, what with it being out on the curb and all.
Listen, Lily, I was wrong.
And I don't want to be the thing that gets between you and your boyfriend.
Eww! He's not my boyfriend.
He's Brad o'keefe.
What? He wears a Fanny pack.
And he carries all these keys with him all the time.
Why does he need so many keys? And he says the word "of-ten.
" That's how he says it.
"Often" with a "t.
" Geek! Hey, hey, wait.
If he's such a geek, then what were you doing in the car with him? I just wanted somebody to notice me, all right? Oh, come on, Lily, boys notice you all the time.
Not when she's around.
What? Everywhere I go, there she is.
Ba-doom, ba-doom, ba-doom.
What? You go around flaunting it, and nobody even notices I'm here.
What? Like you don't know.
Mm-mmm.
There is nothing sexy about scraping gnats off of a station wagon.
There is when you're working it.
Ha ha ha! You were working it? No! I Oh, this is interesting, because this isn't about me being a bad dad.
This is about you being a leggy siren who's destroyed our daughter's self-esteem.
Let's go eat.
No.
Nobody's going anywhere.
I am.
Uh, ah, ah, ah.
Don't you try to fix this, because anything you do will be wrong because you, her mother, are doing it.
Not funny.
What's going on in here? You're spooking the kid.
Sean: Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Guess who the neighborhood hot mom is? Whoo! No, I am not.
You're the hot mom? Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow, you're the hot mom.
No.
Shut up! This is ridiculous.
Sean: No, come on.
Whoo-hoo! That makes so much sense.
But she'll never be like Mrs.
Delvecchio.
Oh, no, Mrs.
Delvecchio.
Oh, whoa, Mrs.
d.
Ow! Oh.
Whoo! Ok, ok, who is Mrs.
Delvecchio? Mrs.
Delvecchio was the hottest mom in the history of staten island.
Thank you for helping me.
Oh, you're welcome.
Very nice of you.
All right.
Yeah, here you go.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You know, it's kind of hot out.
Can I come in and have a glass of lemonade? Oh, I don't have any lemonade.
I'm sorry.
Oh, yeah, you do.
You bought some.
It's in your bag.
Oh.
I don't have any clean glasses.
Thank you so much.
Ok, bye.
Oh, uh Can I come in and take a bath? What? She's gotta be, like, 60 now.
Yeah.
I bet she wouldn't close the door on me now.
And don't think I don't see you! Walt, we're kind of in the middle of something here.
This is what happens when you don't spank.
What'd they do? Ah, the little monkeys tunneled out of the yard.
They got away from you, huh? They're right next door.
They can hear me fine.
The belt is coming off! Walt, please.
We've got a Lily issue that we have to deal with here.
Oh, right.
She gave herself to that Brad boy, didn't she? No, no.
Yeah, well, you wouldn't be having these problems if you'd talked with her when you should have.
You didn't give her the talk.
Ohh.
I remember your talk, dad, and it was, uh, quite educational.
When the man and a woman get together, so to speak, and the, uh Sperm Comes in contact with the Egg.
Now, that's a code red up in her wajudi.
Am I making myself clear? Yeah.
Thanks, dad.
Yeah, well, your chicken-throwing approach really paid off.
Well, dad, I think we've established that this isn't my fault, but this is the fault of my wife the supervixen.
Oh, yeah? Uh-huh.
Yeah.
I'm not the one who blew up the battery recharger by putting in non-rechargeable batteries.
Oh, my god.
That's all you've got? That was 2 years ago, and it's not even relevant.
It said it said right on the front of it: It said, "rechargeable batteries only.
" Whoa, whoa, whoa, missy.
Uh, uh, where are you going? Why don't you just follow me like you usually do? Oh, no, no, no.
I didn't follow you, ok? I just happened upon you, and don't forget Hot mom.
Oh! Because I put on a pair of shorts, I'm responsible for her promiscuity? Promiscuity? I should be so lucky.
Nothing happened, ok? But your father saw you So what? It was another pathetic chapter in my pathetic life.
Well? Well, what? Don't you want to kiss me? Oh.
Yeah.
Maybe you should do something with your hands.
Like what? I don't know.
Something.
Is this good? What were you eating? Ch-cheetos.
You just got cheese dust in my hair, you idiot! Aah! Don't put them back! Gross! Can I touch your bra? I guess.
Are you gonna take it off? No.
Cool.
Oh, I well, I think I saw a guy looking at us.
Don't be such a wuss! I see a guy looking at us.
Don't you want to make out? I do, I do, it's just there's this Aah! My life sucks.
Mmm.
Baby, I gotta tell you, being 14 pretty much sucks for everybody.
Look, l-lil.
I screwed up, ok? I don't know what I was thinking out there, and I know it's depressing to be a girl when all the boys your age Are hot for your mom.
How would you know? Well, you know, I wouldn't, because I was a boy, and my mom was kinda horsy, god rest her soul, but I will tell you this, lil.
You are much prettier than your mother was at your age.
What? Yeah, yeah.
She had these braces, and she had this goofy cyndi lauper hairdo And this chunky Irish boyfriend in parachute pants and a Sergio valenté shirt.
Look look at it this way, lil, ok? You're getting hotter all the time, and your mother, well, she's peaked.
Heh.
Oh, thanks, honey.
Have another donut.
And that's supposed to make me feel better? I'm scared of you, and I'm jealous of her.
And from now on, I'm gonna associate sex with having fried food hurled at me.
How am I supposed to recover from that? I'm gonna carry around scars with me for the rest of my life.
How'd you like your own phone line? That'd work.
Do you see anything, man? That could be a nipple.
That's a dog's nose.
Oh.
Unfinished business.
I'll warm up the car.
Brad, dude.
Man, we gotta talk.
Yeah.
Uh, it ain't gonna happen.
But but I think she really likes me.
Oh, y-yeah, she likes you, but she just doesn't Like you in that way, you know? But when I see her, I i get all these feelings.
Yeah, I know, but you just gotta face facts.
You know You and Lily just weren't meant to be.
Lily? I was talking about Mrs.
finnerty.
You know that's my wife, right? Yeah.
You're not that smart, are you, Brad? Ah.
Hi, uncle Eddie.
Hey, where's your grandpa? He thinks we're still down in the hole.
Yeah.
We tied a flashlight to Mr.
Dirkin's cat.
Ah, I see you! I know you're down there.
You can't stay down there forever.
And I got all night! Heh heh heh! I got you, you little good-for-nothing! Come on! Come on! Aaargh!