Happily Divorced (2011) s01e01 Episode Script

What's the matter, peter? I can't sleep.
I'm having palpitations.
See, this is what happens When you watch grey's anatomy before you go to bed.
All right, what disease do you think you have now? I feel nauseous.
Well, do you want your simethicone, Your ibuprofen, or your acetaminophen? Uh.
I don't think it's gonna help.
Well, sweetie, is it because You haven't sold a house in a couple of months? Because the entire real estate market has bottomed out.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You know how much I love you, right? Oh, my god, are you having an affair? Who is she? No! Fran, no.
I'm not having an affair.
There is no other woman in my life but you.
Oh, thank god.
Mwah! Ahh.
It's just that I think I'm gay.
What? I'm gay.
What? I've been feeling this for a really long time, But I've been suppressing it-- Wait a minute, wait a minute! Stop everything! Nobody talk! What are you saying to me? Fran, I'm gay.
But we just had sex during leno! How gay can you be? she was certain that he was her one and only but their union always seemed a little forced she got married anyway turns out that he was gay they're still in love but now she's happily divorced Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
I need a drink.
Well, what do you want? We have vodka, scotch, tequila.
Good.
It's like everything's going in slow motion.
Sorry.
I don't know what to say to make you feel better.
How about "April fool's"? You know, I always thought it was weird That for our wedding, You wanted a cassis sorbet intermezzo.
Why? It was a lovely palate cleanser.
It matched the roses.
Oh, my god, that was so gay.
Look, fran I never faked loving you.
I loved you then, I love you now.
I love our life together.
That's why it's taken me so long To face the truth about myself.
Have you met a man? Where, in the hallway? I just came out in the bedroom.
All right, so wait a minute here.
Before you jump off this cliff, How do you know this isn't some midlife crisis thing? I mean, you've never even been with a man.
Trust me.
It's not that great.
Honey, do you think now's a good time To talk about how we're going to tell other people? Oh, my god.
We're gonna have to tell other people.
my parents! Oh! My mother is gonna be devastated.
We always thought he was gay.
He had beautiful cuticles.
You knew he was gay, And you never bothered to mention it to me? We thought you knew.
Why would I marry a gay man? I don't know what to do.
Tell me what to do.
All right, here's what you do.
You go to a lingerie store, You buy something very sexy that'll turn him on.
Like what, a jockstrap? By the way, darling, We're getting tickets for west side story.
Do you and peter want to go? Are you insane? My husband is gay! We're gonna have to get a divorce! Sweetheart, don't throw away a good marriage over nothing.
- Hola, mr.
Peter.
- Oh, hey, cesar.
I finished delivering the flowers for mrs.
Fran, So I locked up the garage.
And I know that you two had a big fight, So I made these for you to give to her.
Oh, that's very thoughtful.
And remember, no matter what you fight about, There is nothing that a beautiful bouquet cannot fix.
I told her I was gay.
Oh.
We're gonna need a bigger bouquet.
Okay, we have got A lot of important things to discuss.
We're getting a divorce.
Wait a minute.
Are you still gay? - Yeah.
- Number two: We're gonna split everything 50-50.
And I've been thinking.
With all the improvements that we made on the house-- The converted garage, The central air conditioning, The venetian fountain with the two cherubs That you wanted I'm thinking that we should be able To turn a pretty nice profit.
Absolutely, if this were 1993.
What are you talkin' about? Fran, this house is upside down in value.
We owe more than it's worth.
How could this be happening? I did everything that suze orman told me to! Well, you're not supposed to borrow against your house To open a flower business in the garage During a recession, But maybe you missed that episode.
Well, I guess somebody deleted it to make room for glee.
Fran, I caused all of this.
I should be the one to move.
Okay.
That's very decent of you.
Well, you know what, it's the least I can do.
I really appreciate it.
You know, I'm the one that found this house.
You wanted to move to west hollywood.
My business is in the garage, And all of my stationery has this address on it.
I just redid my closets.
Wait a minute.
Where are you going? I'm moving into the den.
You're moving into the what? - The den.
- Are you crazy? We're not gonna still live together! You have to get your own place! Fran, I can't afford it.
Look, I understand that we both have to get on with our lives, But where am I supposed to go? You're gay! Go to the y.
M.
C.
A.
! Frannie, there you are! Oh, judi-booty! Mwah! Mwah! Oh, going to a concert was such a great idea.
Oh, yes, we had to have a girl's night out Since you and peter signed the divorce papers.
So, how's it feel? It's gotta be quite a change, huh? You know, I'll tell you something, judi.
It's been six months, and to tell you the truth, It's like nothing has changed, Except, you know, what did.
Yeah.
I pick up the dry cleaning, He picks out my clothes.
I blow the leaves, he blows my hair.
I mean, it's like we're still married.
Oh.
Oh, wait a minute here.
That's peter.
What? Your cortisone cream is behind your propecia.
Did you ever? I'm sorry, mr.
Peter! I looked through all the drawers, And I still cannot find your creams! I have to go home.
It's all right, cesar.
I found 'em.
Oh.
Oh, I see you go to the gym a lot now.
Is that 'cause you're ac/dc? Just dc.
Why did you take all the hair off your chest? Cesar! Okay.
Just know that me and my wife still love you, mr.
Peter.
Thank you.
And someday, you will find somebody else.
I have a cousin in guadajara, juan pablo.
That's very sweet of you, cesar, But you know what, I think I can find my--ole! Tell him to facebook me.
Yeah.
Oh, judi, my jeans are so tight.
I can't stop eating.
I think I'm frustrated because I haven't had sex Since peter dropped the bomb.
Please! It's been over a year for me.
I developed carpal tunnel.
Oh, don't look now, But the guy over there is checking you out.
Go slow, go slow.
All right.
He's gay.
He's not gay.
Judi, he's sitting next to a guy With bigger boobs than yours.
Fran, not every guy you meet is gonna be gay.
Oh, you're right.
- Right? - You're right.
I'll find out.
Ah-ah-ah-ah! What are you about to do? Relax.
I may be a little rusty, But I haven't forgotten how to talk to a man.
- All right.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Are you gay? what? No! Why would you ask me that? What is it, the leather? 'cause, you know, I actually do ride a motorcycle.
I'm sorry.
I'm a little hypersensitive.
My ex-husband came out of the closet After 18 years of marriage.
- Wow.
- Who's he? I don't know.
Continue.
I don't mind if I do.
My name's elliott.
Oh, hi, elliott, I'm fran.
Hi.
So you like this band, huh? Yeah, I produce them.
Wow, you're a music producer.
Any other bands I might know? Coldplay? I love gwyneth paltrow.
So, elliott Hmm? You know I'm divorced.
What's your story? I'm divorced, too.
Really? Excuse me.
Oh, judi, this guy is so cute, And he seems to like me.
Could this night get any better? Fran, I gotta get backstage.
You think I could get your number? Better.
Oh, I don't know, judi.
I mean, is this too much cleavage? What am I trying to say on a first date? That you want a second.
So, are you prepared for tonight, You know, just in case? Oh, I forgot to go to the drugstore! Let me see.
Oh, I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay.
I got rolaids.
Aw! Have a good night out! Thank you.
Thanks for everything.
Have fun, girl.
I'm gonna go home and That's it.
I'm just going home.
Hey.
You look great.
Oh, thanks.
You look, uh Are you wearing blue contacts? Uh, no.
They're called enhancers.
I saw them in vogue l'uomo.
Don't they look natural? How the hell did I not know? All right, come on, let's go.
What are you talking about? Oh, you're kidding, right? It's sound of music sing-along night at the bowl.
You remember last year.
It was a nightmare with the parking.
Every nut and lunatic shows up at this thing.
That's tonight? Yeah.
So go get your nun's habit and let's go.
Oh, no, I completely forgot about that.
I can't go.
I've got a date.
- A what? - A date.
I met this guy the other night When judi and I went to a concert.
A date? Yes.
Oh, what's with the sad, fake eyes, peter? Don't do this to me.
Do what? You cannot be jealous and gay.
Why not? I can multitask.
You know what, why don't you take judi? She's not doing anything tonight.
Go with her.
Oh, I don't want to go with judi.
Judi can't yodel.
Well, then go by yourself.
You gotta be less dependent on me anyway.
Come on.
So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, Now get the Hello, elliott.
Hi.
Hi.
How are you? - Come on in.
- Great.
- How you doin'? - Good.
Uh, peter, this is elliott.
Elliott, this is peter.
How you doin', man? doin' good, man.
Peter was just leaving To go to the sound of music sing-along.
Oh.
Ohh You must be the ex-husband.
Guilty.
What do you ride? Ducati monster.
Nice machine.
Will you excuse us? I don't like the idea of you on a motorcycle.
You fell of a stationary bike at equinox.
Do you know how many people are killed by motorcycles? Do you know how many people are killed by their ex-wives? Come on.
Good-bye.
To new beginnings.
You know, I got to admit, I was a little nervous.
But I think it's going rather well, don't you? Can I ask you something? I meant about peter.
I mean, he seems like a nice guy, But how could you not have known? Love is blind.
Really, really blind.
Well, I gotta give you a lot of credit.
You know, if my ex-wife had told me She was attracted to other women, well That would have probably turned me on.
Bad example.
What did break you and your ex up? We got married young, outgrew each other.
We parted amicably And, thanks to the community property, Split everything 90-10.
Divorce, it's the new marriage.
So, let's see, what should we get? Everything looks so good.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Ooh, I see that they have crab cakes here, mm-hmm.
Yes, salmon.
Take all major credit cards, Open seven I like dating.
good evening.
The chef has sent over and amuse bouche.
Can I bring you something else? Uh, water, bread A room? Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Mmm.
Ah, no, no, not for me.
It's a little too much going on there.
I like single-ingredient foods.
Oh, it's just a little guacamole With some black olive on top.
Really? Okay.
Ah.
- - Mmm! That's not bad.
- Tasty.
Yeah.
Um Where were we? We were dating.
Um, are you sure that was an olive? Olive, truffle, what's the diff, sexy? I'm just really allergic to truffles.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you want an antihistamine? - Yeah.
- I have one in my purse.
Yeah, I'm closin' up.
You know, people always make fun of things That I have in my purse, but meanwhile-- You see this hammer? It breaks glass.
If we ride off a bridge, we won't drown.
hurry up! Okay, okay.
Oh, here it is.
Here it is.
And you'll be happy to know it's the quick-dissolve kind.
open it! Oh, this is weird packaging.
It doesn't have any perforation marks.
It has a picture of tiny scissors, But who carries scissors in their purse? - I do! I do! - Aah! Aah! Okay, I'm very good in an emergency.
Oh! Did something happen to your husband? Yes, he turned gay, But I think I just killed my date! - Buenos dias, mr.
Peter.
- Hey.
My cousin juan pablo checked you out on the facebook.
Oh, really? I haven't heard from him.
Oh.
Well, here's your skinny man latte.
Oh, what a night.
Why? What happened? I almost killed my date.
You didn't sing, did you? This is serious.
I spent the whole night in the emergency room.
Elliott ate a truffle, And it turns out that he's deathly allergic.
So how's that your fault? Well, I might have told him It was a black olive and made him eat it, But that wouldn't hold up in court, would it? Well, look, did he say he was allergic to truffles? Did he have a bracelet That said he was allergic to truffles? No, he did not.
Then he doesn't have a case.
He doesn't have a case.
He doesn't have a case.
Look, if I were so allergic to truffles And I saw a little black things sprinkled on my food, I'd tell the server.
You'd inquire.
I'd ask.
I'd say, "hey, what's going on?" This guy was careless.
Oh, so careless! Hoggin' down truffles willy-nilly Like it's his last meal! I mean, come on! This is ridiculous! What a dope! Who is it? It's elliott! Ooh.
Get the lawyer's number just in case.
Elliott, hi.
I'm so sorry about last night.
You know, I tried to tell you, But it was hard with the tube down my throat.
OhhElliott, I'm the one that should be apologizing.
Why, what did you do? Nothing.
Come on in.
Oh, hey, peter, you're here.
Again.
Oh, uh, sorry.
I was just leaving.
You don't have to go home on my account.
Oh, it's not far.
I'll be in my room.
Your room? Wait a second.
What? You-- you two still live together? Oh, did I forget to mention that? Well, anyway, movin' on, movin' on.
What's in the gold box? I brought you truffles, the chocolate kind.
I get it, 'cause you almost killed him at the-- He doesn't remember.
Oh, who is it? - Mom and dad! - Mom and dad! I love her voice.
Give it time.
- Ah! - Hi, mom and dad.
Mwah.
What are you doing here? We brought lunch.
Who invited you to lunch? - Peter! - Peter! There's my boy.
I brought you some gorgeous sheets For your sofa bed In case you entertain a man friend and It looks like I'm here just in time.
What a gorgeous couple you two make.
You look perfect together.
MaElliott's not for peter.
He's for me.
What a gorgeous couple you make.
You look perfect together.
So, elliott, tell me, you follow the lakers? What, are you kiddin' me? Courtside seats.
Welcome to the family.
So what do you think of him? Fran, if you like him, I like him.
I'm sorry I overreacted last night.
You have every right to date whoever you want.
I just never pictured you with another guy.
Well, ditto.
HeyMaybe we can go on a double date.
Really? What's that about? Well, I took your advice.
I went to the sing-along by myself last night.
Good for you.
Got my first phone number.
Wow.
Oh, there's only nine digits here.
You don't think he did that on purpose, do you? No, sweetie, no.
Hey.
Oh, hey, look at this.
Oh, yeah.
That's from our honeymoon.
You look good as a blonde.
Thanks, I applied sun-in on my tips.
No clue? Blind as a bat.
What's the matter? You seem really distracted.
I just keep thinking about peter.
Maybe it's this house.
no.
Not like that.
It's just--you know.
It's weird, you know.
I mean, the guy you slept with for 18 years Is in the other room.
Well, I'm sorry, But I couldn't ask him to leave.
He's so vulnerable.
Cesar's cousin, juan pablo, "un-amigoed" him on facebook.
Maybe we should do this some other time.
No, relax.
He's in his room watching lady sings the blues.
We've got three hours.
Mmm Don't mind me.
I'm just looking for my neck pillow.
I'm not here.
I'm so sorry about-- You know what? You're gonna hate me.
But I think it's between these cushions.
What are you doing?! You promised me that you were going to stay in your room! I'm sorry--you know if I fall asleep Without my neck pillow, my feet tingle.
You're being very selfish.
Why are you trying to sabotage my relationship? You are being selfish, Because I gave you this whole house.
I have this little, tiny room.
I don't even have a window in there.
And I had a very hard day.