Hard Cell (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

1 I am changing the way women's prisons are run.
Strong leadership, dynamic vision, the ability to inspire.
I tick every box.
Weak leaders just get taken advantage of.
Not on my watch.
Where's my watch? ["Strip Show" playing.]
[music stops.]
[music continues.]
Has anyone seen a watch? And the cameras are going to be with us all the time - [inmates.]
Whoo! - which will be a little strange at first, I'm sure, for all of us.
- Are we gonna be on the telly, miss? - I expect that is the general idea, yes.
[cheering.]
This pilot scheme to mount a musical, West Side Story, no less, is an incredible opportunity.
- I'm excited, and I'm excited for you.
- Is that one of your artsy ideas, miss? Too many people think they know who prison inmates are and what prison life is like, without ever setting foot inside one.
- Yeah.
- Too right.
So, let's put the record straight.
Let's break some misconceptions.
Let's smash some stereotypes.
Be yourselves.
You've got nothing to hide.
- She has.
She's just nicked your watch! - [laughter.]
You are being given the chance to do something truly creative while challenging yourself and having your voices heard, literally.
- [Jean.]
Can we do Annie? - Just let me finish.
We've got a surprise director coming in.
The research is out there, the data has spoken, so remember, creativity leads to [all.]
rehabilitation.
- Thank you.
- What about Dirty Dancing? - Hamilton! - I like Phantom.
- The King and I.
- What about Mary Poppins? - Dreamgirls! - Okay.
Yes! Not up for discussion, we're doing West Side Story, so get your names down and start singing! Thank you.
- Do you fancy the cameraman, miss? - [inmate.]
Oh! No.
[laughter.]
Can someone get my watch back, please? Sorry.
Ooh ♪ Ooh ♪ - Well, it don't look clean! - [chattering.]
Ooh.
- Someone's getting their hair did.
- [inmate.]
Yeah, I know.
What have I told you about laying those edges though, boo? You're not allowed no more.
Twitter said so.
She can do it.
So can she.
She probably could, but it'd look ridiculous.
This one definitely can't.
You had that? Pretend Parker Bowles, that's a look-a-likey.
Serial shoplifter.
Couldn't make it up.
She's an absolute beast.
You can't be doing that either, boos.
That is cultural appropriation.
We got bored.
Well, tell that to the court of public opinion.
If Adele can't do it, I don't see how you can.
Elizabeth Fry, the great prison reformer, once said, "It is an honor to be on the side of the afflicted.
" I say, "Hear, hear.
" Except the murderers.
And the pedophiles.
Most sex offenders.
All sex offenders.
But all the others, I'm right behind.
[Vicki.]
Put it down there.
Name? Angela Brookes.
Sign and date there for your belongings.
Is this your first time in prison, Angela? Yeah.
Well, you'll settle in.
Right, come on.
This way.
- [intercom beeps.]
- [telephone rings.]
[indistinct over P.
A.
.]
Did I set out to be governor of a women's prison? I did not.
Was this the tier-one dream? No.
Was it the tier-two dream? Barely.
But I'm not the kinda person who walks away from a challenge, and when one's head is hunted, one sticks it firmly on the pike and marches into battle.
I was headhunted from my previous job.
- In events.
- Yes.
- Thank you, Dean.
That's Dean.
- I'm her number two.
- Not that I need one.
- You don't need a number two? I've never needed a number two.
Laura came through the back door of nepotism and got promoted through over confidence.
Governor of the prison? We know what this is.
Positive discrimination.
She got the job just 'cause she's a woman, and I'm now spending my days trying to get her to say "number two" on camera.
It's a small victory for overqualified men in the workplace everywhere.
[cheering.]
[indistinct.]
You know what? You all right? I can see what's happened here.
What's happened here? - What, my bump? - Yeah.
- Pregnancy, innit? - Pregnancy and in jail? Parents must be proud.
- I told you I didn't want this.
- [chattering.]
What is it today? Shit.
Why don't we never have tacos? [No Hat Cathy.]
Tacos and tacos.
Tacos and tacos.
- First day? - Yeah.
Aw.
[chattering continues.]
Do I need to know how many days? Do you just sit up in bed all night and compile loads of questions For goodness sake, Doug! Every time! Laura, you really need to make a decision.
Yes, I know.
Plumbing.
General maintenance, etcetera, etcetera.
- Thank you, Douglas.
- It's important.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with "new inmate.
" First timer? Probably not.
I'm Laura Willis.
I'm the governor.
And I want you to know, your crime is of no importance to me.
- Good.
Because I'm not - I don't need to know.
- Well, look, I think you should - Ah, ah, ah.
- I am not judging you on your worst day.
- I'm not an inmate.
Well, you are.
But you start afresh right here, right now.
The slate is clean.
I'm Cheryl Fergison.
That's the spirit, Cheryl Fergison.
Welcome.
You're Cheryl Fergison.
That's exactly who you are.
Ex-soap star, not a prisoner.
Well, a prisoner of your own talents.
I'm so sorry I didn't recognize you.
- You look nothing like your photo.
- What? This photo? Is that you? Yes.
Wowza.
So, West Side Story.
Very exciting.
Let me know if you need anything from me, but I don't think you'll have any problem.
- What do you mean? - You know, just fitting in.
You know, all this.
This will all be [whispers.]
beneficial.
- Why? - 'Cause just Everything works.
This your guard? Do you want a bigger one? Do you even need one? I mean, well, she's here now, so Go on, off you go.
Drum up some business! Good luck! You won't need it.
See you, Cheryl.
I meant to say, I'm a big fan.
I'm Dean, by the way.
Laura's number two.
Wasn't my choice! To keep the prison board happy, I was forced to have a number two.
[chuckles.]
Musicals? In prison? Hell to the yes.
No creativity, no rehabilitation.
Which, incidentally, is the upcoming subject of my TED talk.
What's that called again? "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings: How Women in Prison Thrive through Music and Song.
" - When's that happening then? - No date set.
- So, never.
- It's upcoming.
Anyway, that is why I've asked Cheryl Fergison, aka Ms.
Heather Trott, to come and direct West Side Story.
- Not an obvious choice.
- Not her first rodeo.
As it turns out, Cheryl has lots of experience working with prisoners doing drama workshops and whatnot.
When does she have time for all her rodeos? She's also a well-loved face from stage and screen, which everyone will be excited about.
Big shout going out to the EastEnders massive.
I've never seen it.
It's a popular soap opera about Cockneys.
["EastEnders" theme tune playing.]
Yes, I was on EastEnders, which does make you very recognizable.
But people move on, as have I, as have the audience.
The public see me as a versatile actress rather than a character I once played on a soap.
All right, Heather? Thought you were dead.
I'm Gary, by the way.
Soap royalty.
Calm down, Gary.
She's only human.
I'll be all right in a minute.
It's just a great day.
[Marco.]
What do you like most about Cheryl, Gaz? The way she just floats through the scenes.
She floats convincingly, don't she? The nature of her floating is authentic.
Yeah.
And EastEnders needed her at that time as well, because Big time.
- Saved it.
- Saved it.
- Saved it.
- Saved it.
[mouths words.]
Do you know the most important factor in not reoffending? Stable home life.
Is it? Do you know the other most important factor? - Regular employment? - Shall I tell you? - Sure.
- Creativity.
- This about your little musical project? - Creativity, a sense of purpose, self-esteem.
And my "little musical project" government-funded scheme soon to be rolled out nationally is a step in the right direction.
And if I know these women, they will run towards this opportunity and leap into its arms.
- All right, ladies.
How are we doing? - [cheering.]
Oh, my God! [laughter, cheering.]
Oh, my God! I'm so excited! It's fantastic to be here.
Who's up for a bit of West Side Story? - Me! - It's a story of two rival gangs, - so some of you might enjoy that aspect.
- You know who you are, boos.
There'll be proper rehearsals, we'll bring in an orchestra.
And at the end, we'll put on a banging show that your friends and family can come and see.
This one's killed all hers.
Right! Well, as you may or may not know, my name is - Heather Trott! - [laughter.]
It's Cheryl Fergison.
Get outta my pub! - Yeah! Yeah! - [laughter.]
- Thought you was dead, Heather.
- Who killed you, again? - So, a little bit about me.
- You're Heather Trott! Trott, Trott, Trott, Trott, Trotter! [laughter continues.]
Are you finished? [sings drum intro to "EastEnders" theme tune.]
[all humming theme tune.]
[humming stops.]
- [laughter.]
- I think they're finished now, boo.
Sorry, I'm a bit confused.
I've given up my time to do something nice for you, and it appears that you're treating me like a bit of a mug.
So, don't do that, 'cause I'm not.
And here's the dealio.
Join in, don't join in, makes no odds to me.
Just remember a couple of things.
One, don't be a cunt.
And two, that's it.
Mike drop.
Well, I do, Dean.
I reject the whole concept.
- Of having a number two? - I see it as a form of weakness.
As governor of this prison, the last thing I need people to see is an insipid little number two trailing behind me.
If you've finished, could we please have a conversation about Plumbing? Plumbing? Well, it's actually quite serious, so if Hello? Oh.
I'm sorry, Doug, I'm gonna have to take this.
Oh, Doug.
I'm only joking.
Doug and I basically want the same thing.
We want to improve this prison.
Now, Doug's interpretation of that is something about fixing the plumbing, whereas I focus more on artistic endeavor, and let's be honest, what's more important in the day-to-day life of an inmate? [Doug.]
Could it be plumbing? So, with that in mind, I have invested in personalized [exaggerated Italian accent.]
librettos.
Hand printed on cream parchment for every member of the West Side Story cast.
Government funding didn't quite stretch to that, so what's a gal to do? She finds it somewhere else! What's a libretto? A [exaggerated accent.]
libretto is the extended text of a vocal work.
- Do you mean the words to the songs? - Expensive? Yes.
Worth it? Most definitely.
- What else are prison budgets for? - Plumbing.
- What could improve their lives more? - Plumbing.
Do you know how many other women's prisons have invested in handbound librettos of the greatest musical of the 20th century? - None? - None.
I like Laura, I do, but, uh, she doesn't make it easy, though.
She rarely listens, she won't take advice.
I think she's quite forgetful, and if there's a problem - [Laura.]
If I want an idiot - she's usually the cause of it.
Last year the electrics needed rewiring.
Instead she chose to install nature walls to promote a sense of calm and improve vibes generally.
- Oh, you fuck off! Yeah, yeah - [indistinct.]
You fuck off! Didn't work.
But you just can't help liking her.
- Oh, sorry to disturb you.
Good moment? - [Jean.]
All right.
- Um, do you like dancing and stuff? - No, not really.
Oh, you don't like dancing.
What about singing? - No.
- Well, can I put you down for costumes? - In what? - Do you want to be in a musical? - Yeah.
- Great.
Okay.
Okay.
I'll put you down then, yeah? - All right, cheers then.
- Thanks.
Ladies, we're doing a musical.
I was wondering if I could put you down for something? Some singing, some dancing, some Any [harmonizing.]
Some people can hold it together ♪ Last through all kinds of weather ♪ Can we? ♪ Great.
[Sal.]
What are we? Gay for the stay.
I mean, it's not for everyone, late onset lesbianism.
But my goodness, we're giving it a go.
[both giggle.]
[inmate.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, uh, are you up for it? - Yeah.
- What about you, my love? I've heard I'll get out of a load of shit stuff if I do it, so I might as well.
Unless it's shit.
And then I'll stop.
Oh, right.
That's the spirit.
[chuckles.]
West Side Story? That sounds boring, like all her ideas.
Boring, pointless, badly executed, benefiting no one.
So these are my choices: singing olde worlde songs about Sharks and Jet Skis or something, or finishing my boring parenting course for a baby I don't even want.
There's not much in it, really.
[chattering.]
[Cheryl.]
All right, what about you then? You tempted? It's something to do for the next six weeks, innit? Oh, gosh, no, no, I'm not cut out for that sort of thing.
Um, also, I'm just in on remand.
Just waiting for my trial date.
My lawyer says I won't be in here that long, anyway.
I don't see how I can be, because I didn't do it.
[Jean.]
We all didn't do it, love! No, but I re I really didn't do it.
Well, if your trial turns into a sentence, you know where to find me.
[chuckles.]
Hey there, Cheryl! I want be a part of that.
Put me on the list.
My name's Sian.
Bit weird in here, innit? We don't say, "weird.
" We say, "Welsh.
" Sian is from Wales.
That beautiful country that borders England to the west.
Not the mammal.
She speaks with the rich melody of her motherland.
It's just a shame no one knows what she's saying.
So, when she requested full traditional costume to feel closer to her Celtic heritage, I was happy to oblige.
At least, I think that's what she asked for.
[sneezes.]
[thick Welsh accent.]
Only went to ask for a hypoallergenic pillow.
And she gave me this.
I'm still all bunged up.
- Is it ice cream? - Yeah, but it's shit.
Why can't we ever have Cornettos? [inmates.]
Just one Cornetto, give it to me ♪ - Why are you not joining in the singing? - Um - What have you got against Cornettos? - Nothing, I just don't know the words.
- Oh, that's convenient.
- What? - Why are you shouting? - I'm not, I Be careful.
[laughter.]
Ooh ♪ Ooh ♪ Heather! Heather! Is there going to be an audience for your show, Heather? Is there going to be people watching at the end, like? Because if there is, I'll be in it, and me mammy will come see it.
This one's for my mammy.
That's why it says "Mammy".
Are you watching that one on your camera? Like.
That one.
I've got loads of 'em.
I get I get them when I'm happy.
I get them when I'm sad.
When they locked my mammy up for the first time, I couldn't cry, I was too numb.
So, I got that one.
And the pain of the needle was so bad that the tears came and they wouldn't stop.
They call it a cathartic experience or some shite.
I think that's all bollocks, I just like having pictures on my arm.
That's the one I got.
There.
Birds.
That was supposed to be me, but it didn't turn out right.
Will I do a tattoo on you? I'll get my needle.
You've got none on your arm.
That's great.
That's just, like, fresh meat.
I just go "pew-pew-pew-pew-pew".
Pffft with the blood.
'Cause I'm not very good.
What's it like being on the TV? Did you like being on the TV? Did they call you Heather all the time? - What is your real name again? - It's Cheryl.
That's nice.
I'm Ros.
Write that down in your book there.
Is it R-O-S or R-O-Z? I don't know, I can't read.
Yeah, that looks grand.
Heather, it [groans.]
Cheryl Me girl will be in it and all, but she don't speak, so she can't sing.
Cheryl.
Viv.
I'm a natural-born entertainer.
I'm also incredibly violent and singing is my happy place.
So look no further.
I do impressions.
Gordon Ramsay, Ellen DeGeneres, Graham Norton, whoever it is does The One Show.
All the Kardashians, except the old one.
I can do them all.
And I can do them all fucking well.
And if anyone says any different, I'll fucking kill 'em.
[imitates American accent.]
I'm excited.
[normal voice.]
That was one of the Kardashians.
That was That was really good, Viv.
- Yeah.
- That was brilliant.
I know.
[laughing.]
So you say [exaggerated accent.]
libretto.
Out of curiosity, how would you say that? - "Barthelona.
" - Barcelona, that's great.
What about this one? - [exaggerated accent.]
Cappuccino.
- Cappuccino.
Okay, and what about - [exaggerated Punjabi accent.]
Tarka Dhal.
- Sorry, what was that? - Tarka Dhal.
- Yep, that's what I thought you said.
Hey, I thought it was you.
How are you getting on? Yeah, all right.
It's been a long day though.
I'm going home soon.
Oh, yeah? Back to Albert Square? Ooh ♪ Ooh ♪ I'll be off then.
You were right.
This did come in handy.
Plus, I dropped the c-bomb and they settled down.
Oh, my old trick.
I'm glad you stopped by, Cheryl.
These are for you.
- Oh.
What are they? - Handbound on cream parchment, personalized [exaggerated accent.]
librettos.
What's a libretto? Oh.
Uh, the words to the songs.
They were very expensive.
Uh, right.
- They look a bit of a faff.
[chuckles.]
- Ouch.
Plus, uh, I got these off the Internet for free, - so I'll use them if that's all right.
- Hmm.
Hope you kept the receipt for those, uh, lib things.
[exaggerated accent.]
Librettos.
First day over.
Well, I got through it.
I'm still here.
[inhales deeply.]
I've just got to keep going and pray for justice.
[fart.]
Tomorrow is a new day [fart.]
full of promise, so there's no need to lose hope.
[farts.]
I've just got to keep strong and have faith.
[liquid splashes.]
And know that everything is gonna be all right in the end.
[groans.]
Because it's like I always say, "Never underestimate how good people can be.
" [toilet gurgles.]
That's going nowhere.
- I can't see where I'm going.
- [Pat Pat.]
Where did the water go? You fucking kidding me with this? Who put the water off? What's going on, boos? Oh, no! No! No, Jeanie! Jeanie, cover that up! [Jean and Marco groan.]
- Oh, no, has it gone? - [shouting in distance.]
Oh, there's more of 'em! No, I'm not paid enough for this! There'd better not be any fucking cameras here.
- [straw gurgles.]
- Water main's burst.
- What? - No water at all in the entire prison, until it's fixed, which could take 48 hours.
What? Well, I did warn you it was gonna happen.
- When? - When we had the conversation where I told you the plumbing needed fixing.
They're already kicking off.
Let's hope it doesn't escalate.
Do you remember the good old days? When we used to have controlled riots.
Yes, because I believe in a safe environment, they have their place.
And, riot! Please be aware of the person closest to you.
Let's bring that down by about 50%.
I wanted them to have all the fun of a riot without the danger.
And how did that work out? It was not at all fun, and it was quite dangerous.
[inmates shouting.]
I remember now.
Not at all fun, and quite dangerous.
Wasn't that your nickname in high school? No, my nickname was Margarine.
- Why? Because your hair was always greasy? - No, because I spread easily.
Oh.
The librettos have arrived, I see.
- That's money well spent.
- It's [exaggerated accent.]
libretto! How many fucking times? And riot! She's cut off our water! Look at me.
I was in there having a shower and the water just stopped.
Where's our water, Willis? [inmates shouting.]
[no audio.]
Give our water back! [shouting continues.]