HarmonQuest (2016) s01e01 Episode Script
The Quest Begins
1 Spencer: Since the dawn of the 1970s, fantasy role playing games have provided men and women with an escape from their awkward lives.
Today the most awkward of them all, Dan Harmon, - is summoning - celebrity friends To play these games of old in front of a live studio audience in Hollywood.
- I am Spencer, - the Game Master, And this is "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "HarmonQuest.
" Hi, I'm Dan Harmon.
- [applause stops.]
- Now you don't applaud.
Uh [laughs.]
However [cheers and applause.]
It's fine.
My name's in the title.
But the real star of the show is our Game Master for tonight, Spencer Crittenden.
[cheers and applause.]
Our regular role players, Erin McGathy.
My other better half, Jeff Davis.
And tonight's chapter's awesome guest player, Paul F.
Tompkins.
[cheers and applause.]
[laughs.]
Uh, P.
F.
T.
, when's the last time you have participated in fantasy role playing? Um, probably eighth grade.
Unless you count the craft of acting.
[laughter.]
- Just in case - we're all a little rusty, It's a collective storytelling game where we're all in a story in our collective imagination, but we have a God.
- He's the one in charge - of whether the things That we say we want to do succeed or fail.
He uses dice, he uses rules, - he uses, some would say, - autism.
- But, uh - [laughter.]
So without further ado, let's quest! [cheers and applause.]
Our story begins in Earthscar Village, a loose-knit community of orcs, half-orcs, and non-humans nestled in the wilds outside of the Stonesaw Mountains.
Outcasts and misfits shunned by civil society find their way to Earthscar, a safe haven for all manner of good but rough folk.
- Jeff and Dan, what are - your character names? My name is Fondue Zoobag.
I am a half-orc ranger.
My name is Boneweevil, and I am a goblin rogue.
Fondue and Boneweevil, you find yourselves in the town square of Earthscar Village - enjoying - the Festival of Restoration, A celebration that occurs every hundred years in honor of the creation of the Demon Seal and the world's salvation.
- You're with, uh - What's your character's name? Teflonto.
You're with Teflonto, your old friend, mentor, and role model, enjoying the feast.
- A toast, gentlemen.
- A toast.
To the Demon Seal.
- And the Festival - of Restoration.
Here in Earthscar.
Village! - That's the power - of note-taking.
Yeah.
You see an older gentleman walk up to you, he says Are you enjoying the festival? Spencer: You recognize him as the Chief of Earthscar Village.
- Yes, Chief, - good job as usual.
Yes, thank you for This is just the best.
- Can I ask, is it, like, - an orc village, - Or do I know these guys - as orcs or - Well, I'm a goblin.
- Oh, he's half-orc.
I'm a half-orc, for sure.
Okay.
- And, Fondue, - you're a half-orc too.
So we're like buddies from Brooklyn or something really.
It's like "Entourage.
" Yeah, it's like "Entourage.
" It's like "Entourage.
" Teflonto and Fondue, I don't mind telling you two that I'm a goblin orphan.
My family was all murdered in a big pirate raid.
And, Fondue, your father left you when you were young, right? I yeah, but I like to be the one to share that.
I Okay, well, tell us your story.
My father left a long time ago.
A father is everything to an orc.
Even a half-orc? - Oh, a father is half - of everything to a half-orc.
- Fondue, I worry sometimes - about your unresolved Father issues.
- Well, I'll just - head on then.
- I mean, it sounds like - you're deep in conversation.
- Oh, jeez.
- Oh, my God.
- We get caught up - in our own stuff and then We have a rich tapestry of a backstory.
- Chief, we're like - "Entourage.
" Don't you worry.
- I was just passing through - anyway.
I just wanted to say hi.
- You know, - I got all sorts of stuff, Festival of Restoration, all that stuff.
- Hey, Chief, what is the - significance of the Demon Seal? The Demon Seal, it keeps demons out.
And freshness in.
Pfft.
One would hope.
- Spencer: The village - Chief speaks, he says: The great sealing ritual requires that we honor our keeper ancestors by remembering their heroism and courage and lending our spirits to the Demon Seal to restore the sealing magic that keeps our world safe from the deep below.
As is tradition, our village champion, Teflonto, - will now speak - the Keeper's Oath.
[laughter.]
Fellow outcasts [laughter.]
Please recite the oath after me.
The Demon Seal I must protect.
All: The Demon Seal I must protect.
The responsibility I do not reject.
All: The responsibility I do not reject.
- It was a weird meter, - weird meter.
Vigilant I shall ever be.
All: Vigilant I shall ever be.
Won't you vigilize along with me? [laughter.]
Huzzah! [cheers and applause.]
As the oath winds down, you hear a great commotion as a large cart is knocked asunder.
Blowing past several villagers and dashing into the center of the feast, a wild barbarian looks around, worried, brandishing her weapon, a large battle-axe.
[panting.]
I'm Buer O'Shift of the Skulltree clan, and I am being pursued by a group of cultists.
And either you need to help me or we'll all die, or I'll kill you first.
- I don't know, - but I need your help.
- Barbarian.
- Yes? You gotta pay - for that cart.
Well, hold on, I'm a fair person.
- I go - Do I have money? Yeah, you have some money.
I take out ten gold pieces, and I spit on them, and I throw them at Teflonto.
Here's your money! You didn't have to be rude about it, but thank you.
Miss O'Shift, how far out are these cultists pursuing you? They're pretty close behind.
- So you know that we're - right in the middle Of lending our spirits to seal the Demon Seal.
- Are there children - in the room? Oh, there's tons.
Okay, I pick up two of the cutest by the scruff.
Do you like these? - Of course, - they're our children.
- Yes.
- I need your help! Okay, let's do exactly what the lady that is grabbing our children tells us to do.
I clamor to the top of the watchtower - at the middle - of the village square, And I get to the top of it and I look out and I say, "Guys, she wasn't fucking with us.
" - Wait, wait, hold on.
- How do you know that? - He just clamored up - to the thing.
- She said that, - but she came in saying that.
I'm just wondering This is Dan Harmon talking.
Oh, oh.
- Are you guys - making stuff up? - No, she's - I was experiencing things - Through the eyes - and ears of the audience, And I was wondering would the audience be like, - oh, can you just come - into a scene and say, - "There's a purple - dragon behind me" Even though no one ever And then Jeff is like, "There's a purple dragon.
" Spence, what's the status of that purple dragon? [laughter.]
- There's no purple dragon.
- What? You can't Purple dragon on the horizon! Spencer, I climb up to the watchtower to see if she is full of malarkey or not.
There you go.
- Spencer: - Casting your gaze onward, You in fact do not see any cultists.
So I come back down, I go, "Guys, there's nobody coming.
" Madam? Wait, okay.
- This is Erin talking.
- Am I crazy? - No, you're not.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- If you can't see them out there - that must mean that they've Blended into the trees or something, I'm telling you.
- I turn to my - outcast brethren and say, "How many times have we been questioned by the normals?" - Daily.
- Daily.
- Let's prove we're - better than them.
We are a village - of outcasts Under constant threat of demon attack.
- I say we go in the direction - that she ran from And look for these cultists.
- Chief, are you okay with us - leaving on a little mission - While you restore - the Demon Seal? That'd be fine as long as nothing disrupts the Great Sealing Ritual.
- That seems to be on autopilot - the last couple years.
Yeah.
That's just because it's only every a hundred years.
- But we do the drills - every year.
Well, yeah, I mean, we can't get rusty.
- There's nothing - more on autopilot Than an annual centennial.
That's right.
- Spencer: You look over - to the direction From which Buer came from, and you see several suspicious trees.
I don't like the looks of these trees.
You know how trees, like, mostly they're, like, a hunk of bark going straight up and then branches and leaves.
- What? - Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, these trees, something's off about them.
I narrow my half-orc eyes and gaze at these suspicious trees.
- Spencer: - You gaze at the trees, And they seem to be moving ever so slightly.
Ever so slightly.
I think those are the cultists.
That's how it started.
- There were trees, - and then they started whistling And just spinning.
- Spencer: You hear whistling - issue forth through the forest.
Identify yourself, mysterious trees.
Yeah, we see you.
You're fake trees.
- Spencer: - The whistling intensifies As the trees begin rotating.
With the rotation, the trees stop being trees and start being hooded figures.
Chief, we got spinning, hooded, ex-trees out there.
Oh, shit.
I produce my axe, which I have named Only Friend out of necessity, and I go into a Barbarian Rage.
Spencer: You fly into a Barbarian Rage violently.
[singing gibberish.]
I feel terrified but also luckier.
- Spencer: One of the figures - throws back its hood, Revealing a jackal's head.
It speaks We are the Heralds of the Manticore.
We have come to collect the Three Arcane Runestones.
Give them to us or face the consequences.
[scattered laughter.]
There's no way we're giving these dudes the runestones.
- No.
- No way.
It's, uh there's two things I know in life.
There's dice, and there's no dice.
This is no dice.
- We've thought - about your offer And choose to face the, air quote, "consequences.
" All right.
- Spencer: - They draw their weapons.
I'm still in my rage.
Yeah, it's insane.
How many hooded jackal-figure cultists are we looking at - right now? - Spencer: You see - seven hooded figures Wearing maroon cloaks.
I aim for the one that's closest to me.
You aim for one of the hooded figures closest to you.
[singing gibberish.]
15 with bonuses.
- That's well enough - to hit the guy.
- Yeah! - Aghhhh! Spencer: Dealing eight damage.
One of the cultists staggers back, clutching a wound.
- The village Chief - speaks out Please, do not let them grab the Binding Runestone.
- It'll destroy - the whole ritual.
- Hey, Chief, don't you have - some sort of militia To handle this sort of thing? Teflonto is the champion.
- He's the captain - of the village militia.
- Oh! - That's right.
I knew that.
Guys, everything is gonna be all right.
I call for the militia to get into formation.
- Spencer: - Three dudes show up.
Wow! Where is the rest of the goddamn militia? They're all on vacation.
During the Restoration? Who signed off on that? We don't plan our calendars very far ahead.
We had 99 years from the last Restoration - Yeah.
- To prepare for this.
These are all reasonable points.
I charge the nearest cultist.
Bastard Sword, on his ass.
Spencer: So you charge at the wounded cultist - who happens to also - be closest to you.
Oh, man.
Swinging with your bastard sword, you only roll a three.
Uh-oh.
Spencer: You swing clumsily at one of the cultists, - but, you know, he doesn't - even have to dodge.
All right, but you guys get the idea, right? - You sent a strong message, - Fondue.
I pull out my flail.
You do so.
It's like a mace with a Slinky that goes to the end.
And I start swinging it around, and then I charge at Jackal-Headed Cultist.
Spencer: You swing your flail with great acuity 25.
You clock him right in the jackal-assed face.
That's right.
[cheers and applause.]
Dealing 12 damage to his jackal head.
- How many yards away - or feet am I away From the nearest cultist? - 17.
- 17 yards? Yeah.
I go out there and go, "Guys.
" - I spit on my two fingers - in each hand, And I go down to the dirt, I wipe mud under my eyes and I say, - "I'm gonna go do - a sneak attack.
"I'm gonna flank these guys.
" - I go around the left side - of the village - To get behind them for - a sneak attack in the future.
- That's gonna take, like, - six turns.
- Okay.
- Okay.
It's gonna be so worth it.
All right, the militiamen, they grab their weapons and they charge.
One of them stabs the one who Buer stabbed with the axe, killing the wounded cultist.
- Still being - in my Barbarian Rage, I reach into the dead cultist, and I just pull out the ribs, and I just stuff them in my hair.
With Only Friend, I start spinning - in the middle of, - like, where there's The biggest concentration of Jackal-Headed Cultists.
All right.
[singing gibberish.]
- Spencer: - Oh, it's a critical hit.
[cheering.]
Spencer: You cleave entirely through one of the cultists.
His body falls into two pieces, and you smash the axe into the second cultist.
It sticks hard in his leg.
- He goes down, - but he's not dead.
I hope that - I hope you guys don't find - that song annoying, Because I'm committing to it.
It's your "What you" talking about, Willis?" Like, it's We're stuck with it.
- You've almost killed - half of these guys.
I feel like led by my inspirational example.
- You got a lot of heart, and - that is not lost in this group.
Uh, I've had enough of these guys.
Guess what, I pull out my Alchemists Fire.
Oh, shit.
You got Alchemists Fire? Yeah, I didn't want to tell you.
'Cause I knew you'd try to make me use it right away.
- So I pull out - the Alchemists Fire And I throw it at the remaining Jackal-Headed Cultists.
You oh, snap.
It's a critical failure.
No! Is that bad? - Spencer: Whipping out - your Alchemists Fire, You wind up for the pitch, and you do one of those things - where it slips out - way too early And sails comically up in the air and lands on your head, before bursting into flames.
Ahh! Let me ask you this.
When you say "comically," do people laugh when this happens? If it weren't such a serious situation, - you feel like there would be - some snickering.
Yeah, and you know what, and honestly, under different circumstances, I'd laugh at it myself.
But this is a big deal right now.
- Yeah, it is.
- It's fire on your head.
I forgot the cultists' turn.
- So let's have them do stuff.
- Uh-oh.
The cultists fan out.
- They start assaulting - the militia - By touching them - with their bare hands.
Oh, well, - that's not so bad.
That doesn't seem yeah.
Spencer: - It seems not so bad Until you see crackling black volts of energy spreading from the hands into the bodies of the militia.
- They scream in pain - and convulse And fall to the floor dead.
All: Ohh! - They didn't even get - to go on vacation.
Spencer: The guy who threw his head back is like Come on, just give me your Binding Runestone, and it'll all be over.
Hey, listen, man, the time for diplomacy, like, ended when you put on tree costumes.
Why didn't you just show up and ask? - First of all, we would have - invited you to the party.
- Second of all, - we suck at fighting.
Ooh, don't say that.
Spencer: I think it's - Oh, yeah, - Jeff's still circling.
- I'm flanking.
- I'm getting behind them, And I'm putting more mud on.
I'm now fashioning a ghillie suit - out of, like, - twigs and things, And I'm leaping from tree knoll to burl to burl.
And every time I appear, I have a new bit of costume on to make me look more like just a weird "Predator" character.
- Spencer: - In the chaos of battle, You scarcely notice a heavily-armored figure clad in dark plate mail stride directly through the fight.
He grabs the Binding Runestone.
Guys! Runestone! We gotta get back there Absolutely.
And grab the runestone.
Spencer: The Demon Seal, its runes begin to glow, - and you can hear the sound - of the sky cracking and ripping As you witness a tear in space form - where the runestone - was once floating.
And through the tear, like a coursing river, - flows a torrent - of evil spirits.
Three carriage-sized abominations, each a different color, erupt from the tear and destroy buildings and crush people as they pour out into the free world, leaving a trail of destruction.
What the We are the worst at this.
Um, was that seal important? The seal was very important.
It kept demons and evil spirits outside of our village.
I can see you crying here.
I-I'll tell you what, I've had better days.
Spencer: A cultist stabs Teflonto in the stomach.
- Ohh! - What the No! Why did that happen? I attack the guy that's stabbing my friend.
Spencer: You cut him down quickly.
I really should have been just paying attention.
That guy, like, stabbed me right in the stomach.
You're awfully calm for someone whose head is on fire.
- Is it still? - Yeah.
Pat it, pat it.
I swat at my head to smother the flames.
All right, yeah, 15.
You swat at the flames, and they go out.
- Oh.
- Okay.
- It was that easy.
- Yeah.
- I guess I just - got used to it.
I just like, this is my life now.
My head's on fire.
- Am I in range yet to attack - the guys from behind? - Because right now - my costume is amazing.
Spencer: Caked in mud, you round the corner behind two cultists who seem to be left alive.
- Are they standing - side by side? No.
- No? - How far apart are they? - They're about - six feet apart.
Six feet apart.
- Are they standing in, like, - a line? - They're standing in a line? - There's two of them.
[stammering.]
[laughter.]
- Are they standing - in a segment? - Any two people would be - standing in a segment.
Are they facing Are they facing the same way? - Yeah, yeah, they are.
- [applause.]
'Cause I'm very stealthy.
I take out my rapier, - which is honed - to a razor's edge, - And I run past them - from behind.
Wow! And just slice 'em all Achilles style.
Okay, you got a two.
You judge the distance wrong.
- Like, your sword - is this long, And you were this far away, - and so you're really just - running by two people.
But you look great.
- Can I add one thing - to that attack? I keep running.
- Does Boneweevil know that - he did not hit them? - No, he thinks he hit them.
- He sure does.
Okay, I'm celebrating, but I keep running.
The jackal-headed guy goes You weak fools.
He's totally assessed us accurately.
When we collect all three runestones, we will resurrect the Great Manticore and bring your world into ruin.
- Spencer: - The dark-armored figure, He waves his hands around in a magical manner, and you see red projectiles made of energy of some sort come barraging into the area.
They start hitting.
- Am I still alive, - by the way? You are bleeding, so Fondue, you take 17 damage.
Ahh! Spencer: Boneweevil takes 12 damage.
- All right, - I can handle that.
Spencer: Teflonto takes 45 damage.
- Whoa, no! - [laughter.]
And what's your total HP? My total HP is 42.
[laughter.]
Between that and the other stab wound and head on fire, you're you're dying.
As you lay dying, - the cultists begin - floating up in the air And magically disappear.
Jesus Christ.
This has been the worst.
Spencer: Teflonto lays dying.
I cradle Teflonto's head.
I go, "You you" You were a guest star.
"It's okay.
" [laughter.]
Boys, boys, Boneweevil, Fondue, promise me that you will save our village, - you will reseal - the Great Seal, And you will knock the shit out of that one dude.
[laughter.]
Now I go to the halls of our ancestors! Surely there I will be on vacation all the rest of my days and never have to head up a militia again.
The moment that he draws his last breath, I creep up behind Teflonto and I said, "I do this to honor you.
" And I take my hand and I pull open his chest, and I start taking out his bones.
Why? He's not dead yet.
Why is this happening? He's not dead yet! It's fine.
I'm gonna make a Skulltree.
He will always be honored.
- All right, - have a great time.
- I guess a Skulltree - would mean - You'd have to take - his skull out, right? Yeah, but that's last.
Okay.
The village Chief, he wanders up and vomits.
Well, you know, it's important that I tell you those guys are gonna resurrect the Great Manticore, the king of all horrors.
- They'll almost certainly - destroy the world If they're successful.
You see, my brother, Dunnun, he guards the second runestone, and you must warn him.
He lives in Freshport.
- Go there, - through the Stonesaw Mines, The merry Dwarven village.
- Take this.
- Wait, take what? - It's a crystal bell - that can point you To either good or evil.
I'm not sure which.
This is a lot to process.
There's no time.
- This is a whole lot - of information.
Chief, Chief, Chief, happy Restoration.
Thank you.
It's rude not to say it.
It's true, it's true.
You should remember the reason for the season.
But would our heroes be able to warn the Chief's brother, or would the Heralds succeed in stealing the second runestone? Find out next time on "HarmonQuest"! [cheers and applause.]
Paul F.
Tompkins, ladies and gentlemen.
[cheers and applause.]
Erin McGathy, Jeff Davis, Spencer Crittenden, our Game Master.
I'm Dan Harmon.
Good night.
[cheers and applause.]
[triumphant music.]
[dramatic music.]
HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest.
Did you get any of that? It's-a good-a show! [upbeat accordion music.]
Today the most awkward of them all, Dan Harmon, - is summoning - celebrity friends To play these games of old in front of a live studio audience in Hollywood.
- I am Spencer, - the Game Master, And this is "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "HarmonQuest.
" Hi, I'm Dan Harmon.
- [applause stops.]
- Now you don't applaud.
Uh [laughs.]
However [cheers and applause.]
It's fine.
My name's in the title.
But the real star of the show is our Game Master for tonight, Spencer Crittenden.
[cheers and applause.]
Our regular role players, Erin McGathy.
My other better half, Jeff Davis.
And tonight's chapter's awesome guest player, Paul F.
Tompkins.
[cheers and applause.]
[laughs.]
Uh, P.
F.
T.
, when's the last time you have participated in fantasy role playing? Um, probably eighth grade.
Unless you count the craft of acting.
[laughter.]
- Just in case - we're all a little rusty, It's a collective storytelling game where we're all in a story in our collective imagination, but we have a God.
- He's the one in charge - of whether the things That we say we want to do succeed or fail.
He uses dice, he uses rules, - he uses, some would say, - autism.
- But, uh - [laughter.]
So without further ado, let's quest! [cheers and applause.]
Our story begins in Earthscar Village, a loose-knit community of orcs, half-orcs, and non-humans nestled in the wilds outside of the Stonesaw Mountains.
Outcasts and misfits shunned by civil society find their way to Earthscar, a safe haven for all manner of good but rough folk.
- Jeff and Dan, what are - your character names? My name is Fondue Zoobag.
I am a half-orc ranger.
My name is Boneweevil, and I am a goblin rogue.
Fondue and Boneweevil, you find yourselves in the town square of Earthscar Village - enjoying - the Festival of Restoration, A celebration that occurs every hundred years in honor of the creation of the Demon Seal and the world's salvation.
- You're with, uh - What's your character's name? Teflonto.
You're with Teflonto, your old friend, mentor, and role model, enjoying the feast.
- A toast, gentlemen.
- A toast.
To the Demon Seal.
- And the Festival - of Restoration.
Here in Earthscar.
Village! - That's the power - of note-taking.
Yeah.
You see an older gentleman walk up to you, he says Are you enjoying the festival? Spencer: You recognize him as the Chief of Earthscar Village.
- Yes, Chief, - good job as usual.
Yes, thank you for This is just the best.
- Can I ask, is it, like, - an orc village, - Or do I know these guys - as orcs or - Well, I'm a goblin.
- Oh, he's half-orc.
I'm a half-orc, for sure.
Okay.
- And, Fondue, - you're a half-orc too.
So we're like buddies from Brooklyn or something really.
It's like "Entourage.
" Yeah, it's like "Entourage.
" It's like "Entourage.
" Teflonto and Fondue, I don't mind telling you two that I'm a goblin orphan.
My family was all murdered in a big pirate raid.
And, Fondue, your father left you when you were young, right? I yeah, but I like to be the one to share that.
I Okay, well, tell us your story.
My father left a long time ago.
A father is everything to an orc.
Even a half-orc? - Oh, a father is half - of everything to a half-orc.
- Fondue, I worry sometimes - about your unresolved Father issues.
- Well, I'll just - head on then.
- I mean, it sounds like - you're deep in conversation.
- Oh, jeez.
- Oh, my God.
- We get caught up - in our own stuff and then We have a rich tapestry of a backstory.
- Chief, we're like - "Entourage.
" Don't you worry.
- I was just passing through - anyway.
I just wanted to say hi.
- You know, - I got all sorts of stuff, Festival of Restoration, all that stuff.
- Hey, Chief, what is the - significance of the Demon Seal? The Demon Seal, it keeps demons out.
And freshness in.
Pfft.
One would hope.
- Spencer: The village - Chief speaks, he says: The great sealing ritual requires that we honor our keeper ancestors by remembering their heroism and courage and lending our spirits to the Demon Seal to restore the sealing magic that keeps our world safe from the deep below.
As is tradition, our village champion, Teflonto, - will now speak - the Keeper's Oath.
[laughter.]
Fellow outcasts [laughter.]
Please recite the oath after me.
The Demon Seal I must protect.
All: The Demon Seal I must protect.
The responsibility I do not reject.
All: The responsibility I do not reject.
- It was a weird meter, - weird meter.
Vigilant I shall ever be.
All: Vigilant I shall ever be.
Won't you vigilize along with me? [laughter.]
Huzzah! [cheers and applause.]
As the oath winds down, you hear a great commotion as a large cart is knocked asunder.
Blowing past several villagers and dashing into the center of the feast, a wild barbarian looks around, worried, brandishing her weapon, a large battle-axe.
[panting.]
I'm Buer O'Shift of the Skulltree clan, and I am being pursued by a group of cultists.
And either you need to help me or we'll all die, or I'll kill you first.
- I don't know, - but I need your help.
- Barbarian.
- Yes? You gotta pay - for that cart.
Well, hold on, I'm a fair person.
- I go - Do I have money? Yeah, you have some money.
I take out ten gold pieces, and I spit on them, and I throw them at Teflonto.
Here's your money! You didn't have to be rude about it, but thank you.
Miss O'Shift, how far out are these cultists pursuing you? They're pretty close behind.
- So you know that we're - right in the middle Of lending our spirits to seal the Demon Seal.
- Are there children - in the room? Oh, there's tons.
Okay, I pick up two of the cutest by the scruff.
Do you like these? - Of course, - they're our children.
- Yes.
- I need your help! Okay, let's do exactly what the lady that is grabbing our children tells us to do.
I clamor to the top of the watchtower - at the middle - of the village square, And I get to the top of it and I look out and I say, "Guys, she wasn't fucking with us.
" - Wait, wait, hold on.
- How do you know that? - He just clamored up - to the thing.
- She said that, - but she came in saying that.
I'm just wondering This is Dan Harmon talking.
Oh, oh.
- Are you guys - making stuff up? - No, she's - I was experiencing things - Through the eyes - and ears of the audience, And I was wondering would the audience be like, - oh, can you just come - into a scene and say, - "There's a purple - dragon behind me" Even though no one ever And then Jeff is like, "There's a purple dragon.
" Spence, what's the status of that purple dragon? [laughter.]
- There's no purple dragon.
- What? You can't Purple dragon on the horizon! Spencer, I climb up to the watchtower to see if she is full of malarkey or not.
There you go.
- Spencer: - Casting your gaze onward, You in fact do not see any cultists.
So I come back down, I go, "Guys, there's nobody coming.
" Madam? Wait, okay.
- This is Erin talking.
- Am I crazy? - No, you're not.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- If you can't see them out there - that must mean that they've Blended into the trees or something, I'm telling you.
- I turn to my - outcast brethren and say, "How many times have we been questioned by the normals?" - Daily.
- Daily.
- Let's prove we're - better than them.
We are a village - of outcasts Under constant threat of demon attack.
- I say we go in the direction - that she ran from And look for these cultists.
- Chief, are you okay with us - leaving on a little mission - While you restore - the Demon Seal? That'd be fine as long as nothing disrupts the Great Sealing Ritual.
- That seems to be on autopilot - the last couple years.
Yeah.
That's just because it's only every a hundred years.
- But we do the drills - every year.
Well, yeah, I mean, we can't get rusty.
- There's nothing - more on autopilot Than an annual centennial.
That's right.
- Spencer: You look over - to the direction From which Buer came from, and you see several suspicious trees.
I don't like the looks of these trees.
You know how trees, like, mostly they're, like, a hunk of bark going straight up and then branches and leaves.
- What? - Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, these trees, something's off about them.
I narrow my half-orc eyes and gaze at these suspicious trees.
- Spencer: - You gaze at the trees, And they seem to be moving ever so slightly.
Ever so slightly.
I think those are the cultists.
That's how it started.
- There were trees, - and then they started whistling And just spinning.
- Spencer: You hear whistling - issue forth through the forest.
Identify yourself, mysterious trees.
Yeah, we see you.
You're fake trees.
- Spencer: - The whistling intensifies As the trees begin rotating.
With the rotation, the trees stop being trees and start being hooded figures.
Chief, we got spinning, hooded, ex-trees out there.
Oh, shit.
I produce my axe, which I have named Only Friend out of necessity, and I go into a Barbarian Rage.
Spencer: You fly into a Barbarian Rage violently.
[singing gibberish.]
I feel terrified but also luckier.
- Spencer: One of the figures - throws back its hood, Revealing a jackal's head.
It speaks We are the Heralds of the Manticore.
We have come to collect the Three Arcane Runestones.
Give them to us or face the consequences.
[scattered laughter.]
There's no way we're giving these dudes the runestones.
- No.
- No way.
It's, uh there's two things I know in life.
There's dice, and there's no dice.
This is no dice.
- We've thought - about your offer And choose to face the, air quote, "consequences.
" All right.
- Spencer: - They draw their weapons.
I'm still in my rage.
Yeah, it's insane.
How many hooded jackal-figure cultists are we looking at - right now? - Spencer: You see - seven hooded figures Wearing maroon cloaks.
I aim for the one that's closest to me.
You aim for one of the hooded figures closest to you.
[singing gibberish.]
15 with bonuses.
- That's well enough - to hit the guy.
- Yeah! - Aghhhh! Spencer: Dealing eight damage.
One of the cultists staggers back, clutching a wound.
- The village Chief - speaks out Please, do not let them grab the Binding Runestone.
- It'll destroy - the whole ritual.
- Hey, Chief, don't you have - some sort of militia To handle this sort of thing? Teflonto is the champion.
- He's the captain - of the village militia.
- Oh! - That's right.
I knew that.
Guys, everything is gonna be all right.
I call for the militia to get into formation.
- Spencer: - Three dudes show up.
Wow! Where is the rest of the goddamn militia? They're all on vacation.
During the Restoration? Who signed off on that? We don't plan our calendars very far ahead.
We had 99 years from the last Restoration - Yeah.
- To prepare for this.
These are all reasonable points.
I charge the nearest cultist.
Bastard Sword, on his ass.
Spencer: So you charge at the wounded cultist - who happens to also - be closest to you.
Oh, man.
Swinging with your bastard sword, you only roll a three.
Uh-oh.
Spencer: You swing clumsily at one of the cultists, - but, you know, he doesn't - even have to dodge.
All right, but you guys get the idea, right? - You sent a strong message, - Fondue.
I pull out my flail.
You do so.
It's like a mace with a Slinky that goes to the end.
And I start swinging it around, and then I charge at Jackal-Headed Cultist.
Spencer: You swing your flail with great acuity 25.
You clock him right in the jackal-assed face.
That's right.
[cheers and applause.]
Dealing 12 damage to his jackal head.
- How many yards away - or feet am I away From the nearest cultist? - 17.
- 17 yards? Yeah.
I go out there and go, "Guys.
" - I spit on my two fingers - in each hand, And I go down to the dirt, I wipe mud under my eyes and I say, - "I'm gonna go do - a sneak attack.
"I'm gonna flank these guys.
" - I go around the left side - of the village - To get behind them for - a sneak attack in the future.
- That's gonna take, like, - six turns.
- Okay.
- Okay.
It's gonna be so worth it.
All right, the militiamen, they grab their weapons and they charge.
One of them stabs the one who Buer stabbed with the axe, killing the wounded cultist.
- Still being - in my Barbarian Rage, I reach into the dead cultist, and I just pull out the ribs, and I just stuff them in my hair.
With Only Friend, I start spinning - in the middle of, - like, where there's The biggest concentration of Jackal-Headed Cultists.
All right.
[singing gibberish.]
- Spencer: - Oh, it's a critical hit.
[cheering.]
Spencer: You cleave entirely through one of the cultists.
His body falls into two pieces, and you smash the axe into the second cultist.
It sticks hard in his leg.
- He goes down, - but he's not dead.
I hope that - I hope you guys don't find - that song annoying, Because I'm committing to it.
It's your "What you" talking about, Willis?" Like, it's We're stuck with it.
- You've almost killed - half of these guys.
I feel like led by my inspirational example.
- You got a lot of heart, and - that is not lost in this group.
Uh, I've had enough of these guys.
Guess what, I pull out my Alchemists Fire.
Oh, shit.
You got Alchemists Fire? Yeah, I didn't want to tell you.
'Cause I knew you'd try to make me use it right away.
- So I pull out - the Alchemists Fire And I throw it at the remaining Jackal-Headed Cultists.
You oh, snap.
It's a critical failure.
No! Is that bad? - Spencer: Whipping out - your Alchemists Fire, You wind up for the pitch, and you do one of those things - where it slips out - way too early And sails comically up in the air and lands on your head, before bursting into flames.
Ahh! Let me ask you this.
When you say "comically," do people laugh when this happens? If it weren't such a serious situation, - you feel like there would be - some snickering.
Yeah, and you know what, and honestly, under different circumstances, I'd laugh at it myself.
But this is a big deal right now.
- Yeah, it is.
- It's fire on your head.
I forgot the cultists' turn.
- So let's have them do stuff.
- Uh-oh.
The cultists fan out.
- They start assaulting - the militia - By touching them - with their bare hands.
Oh, well, - that's not so bad.
That doesn't seem yeah.
Spencer: - It seems not so bad Until you see crackling black volts of energy spreading from the hands into the bodies of the militia.
- They scream in pain - and convulse And fall to the floor dead.
All: Ohh! - They didn't even get - to go on vacation.
Spencer: The guy who threw his head back is like Come on, just give me your Binding Runestone, and it'll all be over.
Hey, listen, man, the time for diplomacy, like, ended when you put on tree costumes.
Why didn't you just show up and ask? - First of all, we would have - invited you to the party.
- Second of all, - we suck at fighting.
Ooh, don't say that.
Spencer: I think it's - Oh, yeah, - Jeff's still circling.
- I'm flanking.
- I'm getting behind them, And I'm putting more mud on.
I'm now fashioning a ghillie suit - out of, like, - twigs and things, And I'm leaping from tree knoll to burl to burl.
And every time I appear, I have a new bit of costume on to make me look more like just a weird "Predator" character.
- Spencer: - In the chaos of battle, You scarcely notice a heavily-armored figure clad in dark plate mail stride directly through the fight.
He grabs the Binding Runestone.
Guys! Runestone! We gotta get back there Absolutely.
And grab the runestone.
Spencer: The Demon Seal, its runes begin to glow, - and you can hear the sound - of the sky cracking and ripping As you witness a tear in space form - where the runestone - was once floating.
And through the tear, like a coursing river, - flows a torrent - of evil spirits.
Three carriage-sized abominations, each a different color, erupt from the tear and destroy buildings and crush people as they pour out into the free world, leaving a trail of destruction.
What the We are the worst at this.
Um, was that seal important? The seal was very important.
It kept demons and evil spirits outside of our village.
I can see you crying here.
I-I'll tell you what, I've had better days.
Spencer: A cultist stabs Teflonto in the stomach.
- Ohh! - What the No! Why did that happen? I attack the guy that's stabbing my friend.
Spencer: You cut him down quickly.
I really should have been just paying attention.
That guy, like, stabbed me right in the stomach.
You're awfully calm for someone whose head is on fire.
- Is it still? - Yeah.
Pat it, pat it.
I swat at my head to smother the flames.
All right, yeah, 15.
You swat at the flames, and they go out.
- Oh.
- Okay.
- It was that easy.
- Yeah.
- I guess I just - got used to it.
I just like, this is my life now.
My head's on fire.
- Am I in range yet to attack - the guys from behind? - Because right now - my costume is amazing.
Spencer: Caked in mud, you round the corner behind two cultists who seem to be left alive.
- Are they standing - side by side? No.
- No? - How far apart are they? - They're about - six feet apart.
Six feet apart.
- Are they standing in, like, - a line? - They're standing in a line? - There's two of them.
[stammering.]
[laughter.]
- Are they standing - in a segment? - Any two people would be - standing in a segment.
Are they facing Are they facing the same way? - Yeah, yeah, they are.
- [applause.]
'Cause I'm very stealthy.
I take out my rapier, - which is honed - to a razor's edge, - And I run past them - from behind.
Wow! And just slice 'em all Achilles style.
Okay, you got a two.
You judge the distance wrong.
- Like, your sword - is this long, And you were this far away, - and so you're really just - running by two people.
But you look great.
- Can I add one thing - to that attack? I keep running.
- Does Boneweevil know that - he did not hit them? - No, he thinks he hit them.
- He sure does.
Okay, I'm celebrating, but I keep running.
The jackal-headed guy goes You weak fools.
He's totally assessed us accurately.
When we collect all three runestones, we will resurrect the Great Manticore and bring your world into ruin.
- Spencer: - The dark-armored figure, He waves his hands around in a magical manner, and you see red projectiles made of energy of some sort come barraging into the area.
They start hitting.
- Am I still alive, - by the way? You are bleeding, so Fondue, you take 17 damage.
Ahh! Spencer: Boneweevil takes 12 damage.
- All right, - I can handle that.
Spencer: Teflonto takes 45 damage.
- Whoa, no! - [laughter.]
And what's your total HP? My total HP is 42.
[laughter.]
Between that and the other stab wound and head on fire, you're you're dying.
As you lay dying, - the cultists begin - floating up in the air And magically disappear.
Jesus Christ.
This has been the worst.
Spencer: Teflonto lays dying.
I cradle Teflonto's head.
I go, "You you" You were a guest star.
"It's okay.
" [laughter.]
Boys, boys, Boneweevil, Fondue, promise me that you will save our village, - you will reseal - the Great Seal, And you will knock the shit out of that one dude.
[laughter.]
Now I go to the halls of our ancestors! Surely there I will be on vacation all the rest of my days and never have to head up a militia again.
The moment that he draws his last breath, I creep up behind Teflonto and I said, "I do this to honor you.
" And I take my hand and I pull open his chest, and I start taking out his bones.
Why? He's not dead yet.
Why is this happening? He's not dead yet! It's fine.
I'm gonna make a Skulltree.
He will always be honored.
- All right, - have a great time.
- I guess a Skulltree - would mean - You'd have to take - his skull out, right? Yeah, but that's last.
Okay.
The village Chief, he wanders up and vomits.
Well, you know, it's important that I tell you those guys are gonna resurrect the Great Manticore, the king of all horrors.
- They'll almost certainly - destroy the world If they're successful.
You see, my brother, Dunnun, he guards the second runestone, and you must warn him.
He lives in Freshport.
- Go there, - through the Stonesaw Mines, The merry Dwarven village.
- Take this.
- Wait, take what? - It's a crystal bell - that can point you To either good or evil.
I'm not sure which.
This is a lot to process.
There's no time.
- This is a whole lot - of information.
Chief, Chief, Chief, happy Restoration.
Thank you.
It's rude not to say it.
It's true, it's true.
You should remember the reason for the season.
But would our heroes be able to warn the Chief's brother, or would the Heralds succeed in stealing the second runestone? Find out next time on "HarmonQuest"! [cheers and applause.]
Paul F.
Tompkins, ladies and gentlemen.
[cheers and applause.]
Erin McGathy, Jeff Davis, Spencer Crittenden, our Game Master.
I'm Dan Harmon.
Good night.
[cheers and applause.]
[triumphant music.]
[dramatic music.]
HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest.
Did you get any of that? It's-a good-a show! [upbeat accordion music.]