Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000) s01e01 Episode Script
Bannon Custody Battle
1 I don't know, Benton.
I guess I think of the boys as my own.
Of course you do, Race.
You're like a second father to them.
What if that's not good enough, being a second father? - I'm afraid I don't catch your meaning.
- I want the boys, Benton.
Full-time.
- I've raised them and I think it's only fair.
- Race, you're tired.
The Adventure of the Yeti Snow Princess took a lot out of both of us.
Take a couple of days.
I'm taking the boys and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.
Forgot my keys.
Harvey Birdman, attorney at law dictating August 14, 2:34 p.
m.
Dictating.
-'L as? - A Dr.
Quest to see you, Mr.
Birdman.
Send him in.
Dr.
Quest, a pleasure.
Please, call me Benton.
- And may I call you - Mr.
Birdman.
Mr.
Birdman.
Yes.
I've got a rather serious problem.
You see, my longtime partner is challenging me for custody of my boys.
- How long has she-- - He.
He's my traveling companion.
We go on adventures together in steamy jungles and the like.
I see.
So, what does this Mr-- Race Bannon.
Yes.
What makes Mr.
Bannon believe he has any claim on your children? I hired him to look after the boys but as time went on, he became more a second father to them.
I'd say I'm a good father.
- Hello, Dr.
Quest.
- Hey, Dad.
But maybe I should have made more time for the boys.
The cat's in the cradle and the silver ball.
I'll take the case! But first I need to speak to the boys.
What are their names? Of course, their names.
Certainly.
Yes, there's a blond one the blond one whose name is Oh, dear, come on, Benton.
One minute I'm a penniless orphan stuck in a street-sweeping caste the next I'm on this cool needly plane that goes very fast drinking cold American beverages.
- I owe Dr.
Quest very much big-time.
- And you? - You know, he's my dad.
- Yes? That was the ornithologist.
The results were negative.
Thank you.
- Boys.
- What's this? Executive ball clicker.
Boys, your father and Race were buddies but now they're not.
Understand? Sure.
Race works for my dad.
- Race owes Dr.
Quest very much big-time.
-lt's not that simple.
Look, I knew this might be difficult so I stopped off at the liquor store and got a couple of magazines that I think will explain everything.
Tell me, does Race have any new buddies? I did see him talking to Dr.
Zin the other day.
Dr.
Zin is Dr.
Quest's archenemy and any enemy of Dr.
Quest's is an enemy of mine because I owe Dr.
Quest very much.
Drink your juice box.
- Oh, man.
- Birdman! - At last we meet again.
- Vulturo, it was last week.
I was in Zurich last week, you nit! Avenger, my personal digital assistant.
How do you make a "T" again? Do you push that and then leave it down or I said I'd live on to defeat you and that happens this very day! Get ready to feel the power of attorney! Order in the courtroom! I've had enough of you two.
Now, Mr.
Birdbath, Beanbag, whatever your name is sit down and shut your hole! Now, Mr.
Vulture, Vulturo opening arguments.
Because someone is the genetic parent of a child does that make him the one most fit to raise said child? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, today Quest family parent to these two adorable young boys.
State your first name, your last name, and occupation.
Lizardman, Lizardman, and lizardman.
Would you be so good as to tell us what you witnessed? Sure.
From what I saw during Mystery of the Lizardmenâ It was Mystery of the Lizardmen, right? Right.
From what I saw it was Mr.
Bannon who was with the children the most.
Thank you.
- Good going, Bill.
- Nice job, Bill.
Next witness.
Do you mind telling us, in your opinion, who the best parent is? Sure, Quest was there, physically.
But it was clear to me that Bannon was the primary caregiver.
- Best parent? - Bannon.
- Most nurturing? - Bannon.
- Most desirable? - Bannon.
Junga! Junga hungry! Boy, that went well today.
I'd say a celebration's in order.
Scotch.
- Stan, they're 11.
- Right.
You're up, Mr.
Buttermilk.
I'd like to call to the stand Dr.
Benton Quest.
Dr.
Quest, tell us a little about your relationship with-- - Well, Race and I met one night-- - With your boys.
Right.
I treasure them.
I love them dearly.
And when I'm not working on my projects like a way of accelerating particles to subsonic speed using just magnets, for instance Thank you, Dr.
Quest.
-wave forms, constant rate - Nothing further! sum, which surprisingly equals the mass of the atom and, separating them by weight, we should see magic! Shut up, you weirdo.
Mr.
Vulturo, your witness.
I wonder if you mind telling us if you feel as if you've spent enough time with your boys? Why, yes, I think I have.
Time spent doing what? Things that a father does with his son.
Sons.
Yes, and do you mind telling what those would include? Would you mind telling me if Jonny and Hadji know how to play baseball? - Why, I'm not sure.
- I see, you're not sure.
No, wait a second.
Yes, I lectured them several months ago because they were hitting a small white spheroid with a cudgel bouncing it off the tractor beam housing, of all things! Damn it, boys! Look what you've done to my damn tractor beam housing! This is most inappropriate behavior on your part.
I've a mind to kick your little-- Yes, I'd say they definitely know how to play.
Would you mind telling me who taught them? Why, Race, I guess.
Look, I don't why "bases ball" means so much to everyone.
There's important work to be done, to make things more decent.
More decent than baseball? Nothing further.
Mr.
Bannon, how long have you known the boys? Why, four years, almost half their lives.
And how would you describe your relationship with them? I'm their bodyguard and tutor.
This doesn't seem like Race.
What do the boys mean to you? - They mean everything to me.
- Excuse me.
I've taught them how to drive a hover boat how to tie a tourniquet.
But they've taught me so much more.
They've taught me to care, to nurture and I don't see why a simple thing like biology should get in the way of what I know in my heart to be true.
- Thank you.
- Your witness.
- Bootylicious? - Yes, Your Honor? - Your witness.
- Yes, Your Honor.
How long have you known the boys? Why, four years.
Almost half their-- Fascinating.
Tell me, Mr.
Bannon what do you have to say about this? Sorry.
Tell me, Mr.
Bannon, what do you have to say No, God.
I thought I had this right.
Let's see, I tried that one already.
What do you have to say about this? Borscht! Order! Mr.
Birdman, you'd better have a damn good explanation for this! I do, Your Honor.
A few months ago during the Adventure of the Sunken Safe Deposit Box Race became left-handed and his shoes suddenly had laces.
Till then, they'd always been slip-ans.
The bartender that gave Race a drugged lime daiquiri during The House of Tasteful Men was the same man who later dinged your Lexus and left without exchanging insurance information.
This man created a robot Race and programmed it to get the boys.
And that man, Your Honor is in this very courtroom.
Stenographer, read back what I just said.
Yes.
Something about a Lexus and slip-on shoes and Drat! This confounded machine doesn't make any sense! - Dr - Zin.
Quickly! To the Vulture craft! That ain't right.
I want you to know that your father loves you both very much.
- But he throws like a girl.
- So did Martina Navratilova but that doesn't mean she wasn't macho in many other important ways.
I think it's time you gave him another chance.
Avenger, call Dr.
Quest in.
Ravi! Jimmy! Look who I have on the videophone.
Hi, boys.
Race, I can't believe I didn't remember you were on vacation.
I put a Post-it on the fridge.
You never read my Post-its.
I have to tell you, Zin's robot was perfect.
I can't think of how he could have done it other than using a life-sized body mold of you, Race.
But where would he have gotten one of those? Yes.
Where, Race? Tell us where.
Fellas, guess what.
Bad connection.
I'm going to have to sign off.
Since I know he'll never do it himself I'm going to step right up and toot Mr.
Birdman's horn.
Way to go, Harvey.
And you, too, Bandit.
English
I guess I think of the boys as my own.
Of course you do, Race.
You're like a second father to them.
What if that's not good enough, being a second father? - I'm afraid I don't catch your meaning.
- I want the boys, Benton.
Full-time.
- I've raised them and I think it's only fair.
- Race, you're tired.
The Adventure of the Yeti Snow Princess took a lot out of both of us.
Take a couple of days.
I'm taking the boys and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.
Forgot my keys.
Harvey Birdman, attorney at law dictating August 14, 2:34 p.
m.
Dictating.
-'L as? - A Dr.
Quest to see you, Mr.
Birdman.
Send him in.
Dr.
Quest, a pleasure.
Please, call me Benton.
- And may I call you - Mr.
Birdman.
Mr.
Birdman.
Yes.
I've got a rather serious problem.
You see, my longtime partner is challenging me for custody of my boys.
- How long has she-- - He.
He's my traveling companion.
We go on adventures together in steamy jungles and the like.
I see.
So, what does this Mr-- Race Bannon.
Yes.
What makes Mr.
Bannon believe he has any claim on your children? I hired him to look after the boys but as time went on, he became more a second father to them.
I'd say I'm a good father.
- Hello, Dr.
Quest.
- Hey, Dad.
But maybe I should have made more time for the boys.
The cat's in the cradle and the silver ball.
I'll take the case! But first I need to speak to the boys.
What are their names? Of course, their names.
Certainly.
Yes, there's a blond one the blond one whose name is Oh, dear, come on, Benton.
One minute I'm a penniless orphan stuck in a street-sweeping caste the next I'm on this cool needly plane that goes very fast drinking cold American beverages.
- I owe Dr.
Quest very much big-time.
- And you? - You know, he's my dad.
- Yes? That was the ornithologist.
The results were negative.
Thank you.
- Boys.
- What's this? Executive ball clicker.
Boys, your father and Race were buddies but now they're not.
Understand? Sure.
Race works for my dad.
- Race owes Dr.
Quest very much big-time.
-lt's not that simple.
Look, I knew this might be difficult so I stopped off at the liquor store and got a couple of magazines that I think will explain everything.
Tell me, does Race have any new buddies? I did see him talking to Dr.
Zin the other day.
Dr.
Zin is Dr.
Quest's archenemy and any enemy of Dr.
Quest's is an enemy of mine because I owe Dr.
Quest very much.
Drink your juice box.
- Oh, man.
- Birdman! - At last we meet again.
- Vulturo, it was last week.
I was in Zurich last week, you nit! Avenger, my personal digital assistant.
How do you make a "T" again? Do you push that and then leave it down or I said I'd live on to defeat you and that happens this very day! Get ready to feel the power of attorney! Order in the courtroom! I've had enough of you two.
Now, Mr.
Birdbath, Beanbag, whatever your name is sit down and shut your hole! Now, Mr.
Vulture, Vulturo opening arguments.
Because someone is the genetic parent of a child does that make him the one most fit to raise said child? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, today Quest family parent to these two adorable young boys.
State your first name, your last name, and occupation.
Lizardman, Lizardman, and lizardman.
Would you be so good as to tell us what you witnessed? Sure.
From what I saw during Mystery of the Lizardmenâ It was Mystery of the Lizardmen, right? Right.
From what I saw it was Mr.
Bannon who was with the children the most.
Thank you.
- Good going, Bill.
- Nice job, Bill.
Next witness.
Do you mind telling us, in your opinion, who the best parent is? Sure, Quest was there, physically.
But it was clear to me that Bannon was the primary caregiver.
- Best parent? - Bannon.
- Most nurturing? - Bannon.
- Most desirable? - Bannon.
Junga! Junga hungry! Boy, that went well today.
I'd say a celebration's in order.
Scotch.
- Stan, they're 11.
- Right.
You're up, Mr.
Buttermilk.
I'd like to call to the stand Dr.
Benton Quest.
Dr.
Quest, tell us a little about your relationship with-- - Well, Race and I met one night-- - With your boys.
Right.
I treasure them.
I love them dearly.
And when I'm not working on my projects like a way of accelerating particles to subsonic speed using just magnets, for instance Thank you, Dr.
Quest.
-wave forms, constant rate - Nothing further! sum, which surprisingly equals the mass of the atom and, separating them by weight, we should see magic! Shut up, you weirdo.
Mr.
Vulturo, your witness.
I wonder if you mind telling us if you feel as if you've spent enough time with your boys? Why, yes, I think I have.
Time spent doing what? Things that a father does with his son.
Sons.
Yes, and do you mind telling what those would include? Would you mind telling me if Jonny and Hadji know how to play baseball? - Why, I'm not sure.
- I see, you're not sure.
No, wait a second.
Yes, I lectured them several months ago because they were hitting a small white spheroid with a cudgel bouncing it off the tractor beam housing, of all things! Damn it, boys! Look what you've done to my damn tractor beam housing! This is most inappropriate behavior on your part.
I've a mind to kick your little-- Yes, I'd say they definitely know how to play.
Would you mind telling me who taught them? Why, Race, I guess.
Look, I don't why "bases ball" means so much to everyone.
There's important work to be done, to make things more decent.
More decent than baseball? Nothing further.
Mr.
Bannon, how long have you known the boys? Why, four years, almost half their lives.
And how would you describe your relationship with them? I'm their bodyguard and tutor.
This doesn't seem like Race.
What do the boys mean to you? - They mean everything to me.
- Excuse me.
I've taught them how to drive a hover boat how to tie a tourniquet.
But they've taught me so much more.
They've taught me to care, to nurture and I don't see why a simple thing like biology should get in the way of what I know in my heart to be true.
- Thank you.
- Your witness.
- Bootylicious? - Yes, Your Honor? - Your witness.
- Yes, Your Honor.
How long have you known the boys? Why, four years.
Almost half their-- Fascinating.
Tell me, Mr.
Bannon what do you have to say about this? Sorry.
Tell me, Mr.
Bannon, what do you have to say No, God.
I thought I had this right.
Let's see, I tried that one already.
What do you have to say about this? Borscht! Order! Mr.
Birdman, you'd better have a damn good explanation for this! I do, Your Honor.
A few months ago during the Adventure of the Sunken Safe Deposit Box Race became left-handed and his shoes suddenly had laces.
Till then, they'd always been slip-ans.
The bartender that gave Race a drugged lime daiquiri during The House of Tasteful Men was the same man who later dinged your Lexus and left without exchanging insurance information.
This man created a robot Race and programmed it to get the boys.
And that man, Your Honor is in this very courtroom.
Stenographer, read back what I just said.
Yes.
Something about a Lexus and slip-on shoes and Drat! This confounded machine doesn't make any sense! - Dr - Zin.
Quickly! To the Vulture craft! That ain't right.
I want you to know that your father loves you both very much.
- But he throws like a girl.
- So did Martina Navratilova but that doesn't mean she wasn't macho in many other important ways.
I think it's time you gave him another chance.
Avenger, call Dr.
Quest in.
Ravi! Jimmy! Look who I have on the videophone.
Hi, boys.
Race, I can't believe I didn't remember you were on vacation.
I put a Post-it on the fridge.
You never read my Post-its.
I have to tell you, Zin's robot was perfect.
I can't think of how he could have done it other than using a life-sized body mold of you, Race.
But where would he have gotten one of those? Yes.
Where, Race? Tell us where.
Fellas, guess what.
Bad connection.
I'm going to have to sign off.
Since I know he'll never do it himself I'm going to step right up and toot Mr.
Birdman's horn.
Way to go, Harvey.
And you, too, Bandit.
English