Henry IX (2017) s01e01 Episode Script
Reigned In
1 Bloody bagpipes.
Ah, what do you think about bagpipes, Gilbert? I rarely do, sir.
They always make me think of a cat caught in a vacuum cleaner.
What would the repercussions be if I cancelled them? The Scots would hold another referendum and almost certainly part company with your kingdom.
Oh.
We don't want that, do we? No, don't want that.
But it would mean I wouldn't have to wear a kilt.
I hate kilts! I have to think like a woman every time I get out of a Range Rover.
You know, my worst nightmare is picnics at Balmoral and some paparazzi squatting in the gorse capturing me on his long lens.
Next day, royal testicles all over Instagram.
Perish the thought, sir.
Perish the thought indeed, although it would remind the Queen what they look like.
May we enquire .
.
where these came from, sir? Yes, the Prince of Wales thought I'd like those, they're Paul Smith.
They're very, very now, he assures me.
So are nose rings and tattoos, sir.
Well, I have a tattoo, Gilbert.
From my time in the Navy.
Indeed you do, sir.
And I imagine I'm one of the very few who knows where it is.
Has Her Majesty never wondered who Jasmine was? Well, I hardly know myself and I was I was young and not entirely sober.
Oh, no, Gilbert.
Do you know? This is pathetic, I'm a middle aged man and you're still having to dress me.
I don't dress you, sir, I advise and select.
Today, we thought a single-breasted, navy, lightweight surge, and we can probably risk brown shoes.
You're a brick, Gilbert.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
Probably choose socks like these, sir.
Mood Indigo by Nina Simone You ain't never been blue Till you've had that mood indigo That feeling goes stealing down Good morning, your Royal Highness.
Sorry if I'm late.
Parliamentary Report.
The one that will catch your eye is a virulent attack on the monarchy and your good self by the honourable member for Toxteth.
- Harry Strim? - Strim, is he a bit of a lefty? And a rabid anti-monarchist.
Forever ranting against the wasteful irrelevance of the throne, sir.
- And what's upset him this time? - Royal expenditures.
Oh, for God's sake, we got rid of the Royal Yacht, ditto the Royal Train and we always fly commercial on British Airways, would he prefer us all in economy with precooked pasta on plastic trays? He objects the use of a naval helicopter, says it's a burden to the taxpayer.
When did we use one? It fished Prince Rory out of the drink on his sailing holiday, sir.
Oh.
Well would the taxpayer have preferred it if he'd drowned? Wouldn't have thought so.
When one considers the cost of a state funeral.
We should get moving, at 11 you're due in Hounslow, to visit a leisure centre.
What does that involve? Basically watching a group of seniors do pilates, in a therapeutic pool.
Oh.
Shall I wear a mac? - Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Good morning.
Not one of them is under 70, Your Highness.
Wonderful therapy.
And as you can see, they all enjoy it immensely.
Yes, I may be mistaken, but I rather think the chap at the end is drowning.
Yes.
Oh, bloody heck! Yes, he is.
Jolly well done, Byron, I'm sorry about your suit.
No worries, sir, all part of the job.
I suppose your gun got wet? Don't worry, sir, I have a backup.
And there's a Diemaco assault rifle and a rocket launcher in the boot.
Oh.
It's good to know.
Do you know, Franny, I'm so used to people doing things for me that I stood there like a plank, watching a man drown.
Well, you couldn't jump in yourself, sir.
You'd turn up to lunch looking like a drowned rat.
- What lunch? - Variety Club of Great Britain and Grosvenor House.
- Oh, no.
- Soap stars and ageing comedians.
Good jokes however and a short film of smiling orphans.
Jimmy Carr is making the royal toast.
Hm.
I heard on the news that Park Lane is closed because of a bomb scare.
Am I the intended target? A symbol as I am of obsolete irrelevance.
I shouldn't think so, sir.
Much more likely to be Jimmy Carr.
Good morning, Francis.
My God, Leonora, you look edible.
I could take you right now.
Hm, not now, major, I'm late for the Queen.
The Gainsborough Room, soon as the restorers have gone to lunch.
You're very chummy with the major, Leonora, has he said anything to you about the King? About what, Ma'am? It seems to me that he is acting rather oddly at the moment.
I'm thinking perhaps it could be hormonal.
HM would never reveal issues of an emotional nature with his entourage, Ma'am.
Unless of course he had a mistress.
Oh.
Do you think he has a mistress? No, I honestly don't think he has a mistress.
It's not impossible, Leonora.
Of course, he would have to confine his social activities to the palace, but then we have over 750 rooms.
He would have to learn to be as discreet as you.
And the major.
What are you implying, Ma'am? Oh, I know you've been doing the nasty for months, I caught you once, interacting, in the blue drawing room.
That is when I realised that the major was in the cavalry.
How was your lunch? Oh, lots of rude jokes, I wrote them down on the menu.
Erm, but I left it behind.
Mother! Were we expecting you? I'm moving in for a few days.
My roof is being repaired and they're draining the moat - because they think there may be a dead body in there.
- Whose? I've no idea.
Oh, I do remember hearing a gunshot and a splash about two years ago.
Could be a poacher, could be a Jehovah's Witness.
And why the stick, did you have an accident? No, I hurt myself learning to tango.
Well perhaps at your age you shouldn't be learning to tango.
At my age I should be dead, but learning to tango is much more fun than learning to bottle jam.
You look pale.
Well, I've not been sleeping terribly well.
St John's Wort and a large whisky.
Your mother's visit is very timely, you have been acting out of sorts, reading books on Buddhism and happiness, staring out of the window, playing jazz very loud at night.
Who told you this? Not Gilbert, you'd have to waterboard Gilbert before he as much as revealed the colour of my underwear.
No, it's obvious to everyone that you're experiencing some sort of midlife thing.
Uneasy life ahead that wears the crown.
The crown should never have been mine, should've been Jono's.
You and I would've been a Duke and Duchess, do the odd official function, but otherwise grow organic veggies in a big house in Wiltshire, opening flower shows and having splendid seats for the cup final.
And then with your father on his death bed, your brother decides to play polo and breaks his bloody neck.
And did I complain? No.
I did not.
I took to my queenly duties like a frog takes to water.
It's a duck, dear.
Look, I've never told you this.
Oh, I hate sentences that start like that.
It's usually followed by some awful revelation.
Do you have a lovechild? - Or herpes? - Or is it the prostate, Henry? - No! - Oh.
Do you know? I've been on this throne for almost 25 years and in all that time I've never been in charge of my life, my life's always been in charge of me.
I've I've lost sight of who I really am.
That is why you need a reboot, Henry.
I have arranged for you to see a new PR person.
What was wrong with the old one? He was spending far too much time with his other clients, especially Jose Mourinho.
- Who? - Oh, it's a football manager, mother.
Sounds like a flamenco dancer.
Now, wait a minute, let me get this clear, you want this PR chap to replace a person I'm not, with another person I'm not? Yeah.
Erm, you are embracing middle age far too easily, Henry.
You wear cardigans.
- Only when I'm alone.
- The cardigan is a state of mind.
Look, Paul Smith.
- Oh.
- OK.
- My God.
Basically, sir, it's not about who you are or what you think, it's a brand issue.
Now, polls show that people perceive you as a nice man.
Man on the street.
"King Henry, yeah, nice guy," which is a plus obviously, gives us something to work with, but it's a problem.
Erm, would it be less of a problem if I was an absolute shit? OK, here's the thing, erm, you've got this kind of endearing vibe, sort of safe, familiar, erm, like a favourite armchair, young people don't connect with that, and grannies are endearing, do you see what I'm saying? Yes.
Look, I'm awfully sorry, it's It's Oh, it's Damien, sir.
Yes.
Damien.
So how do I connect? You need to demonstrate that you get young people, sir.
It's my job basically to rebrand you.
Rebrand? Does that involve a red-hot iron on my left flank? No, no.
No, sorry.
Damien feels that some of your appointments were a little too predictable, sir.
Well, totally lame in my opinion.
I mean yesterday that thing with the aquatic oldies, what was that about? - Sir.
- Well, what do you suggest? Salford.
It's up north.
Salford's poor, it's super dangerous, with high unemployment, sex slaves and drugs, you going there is not predictable.
It's a total game changer.
Like, "Wow".
- Wow? - Totally.
There's a halfway house there for delinquent girls.
Now, some of them are single mothers, most of them were crack addicts.
So, Damien, you want His Majesty to visit a crack house? No, major, a crack house is for people who buy crack.
This is a halfway house, for people who used to buy crack, but don't buy crack any more.
No, no, I I, erm I think we should, erm, give it a crack.
Are you sure about this, sir? Oh come on, it'll be fine.
Yes, Salford.
One, two, three, four.
Let's see those arms up, Salford.
Rapping for the king.
Like him.
Yo.
Man stepping in and we get banged up for shooting Pagans get hit in the bit we be keeping it lit Got to go zit to zit You're a crook, bruv yeah, you calling legit Don't think I got all of that, but crikey, it's good.
Born to the glock things wrote on the block I wrote with my mandem my squad is my fam We ain't bringing you heat all you've seen and now leave Putting it straight now we riding low key Allow the King's speech, yeah, it reaching my peeps Real talk that I speak get those creps off your feet Are you hearing me now? Drop out the crown.
I mean, it was brilliant, it rhymes and everything.
As you say, sir, brilliant.
Totally phat.
Damien, I want a full translation on my desk first thing tomorrow morning.
Oh, erm, what was that last bit they did? Erm Take them creps off your feet are you hearing it now? Drop out of the crown.
Yes.
Now, there's a thought.
- Oh.
- Oh, my word.
So many flowers.
For the state dinner, your Royal Highness.
Which is in two hours, so you'll need to bathe and change.
Yes, yes.
I'll, erm I'll be along in a minute.
This state dinner for the President of where is it? Burkina Faso.
- And where the bollocks is that? - Formerly Upper Volta I believe.
Oh, that helps.
I hope he's only bringing one of his wives, or we'll run out of soup plates.
What are you planning, Marcello? How are we supposed to keep up with all these name changes? I mean when we were lads it was Peking and Bombay, not Beijing and Mumbai.
- Yes, well - I think we should retaliate.
Call Birmingham Biggleswade and Manchester Market Harbrough.
The menu, chef.
The first course is creamy fennel soup followed by, surprise, surprise, Scotch smoked salmon.
Main will be loin of Welsh lamb with croquette potatoes, roast carrots and baby asparagus.
Dessert is a raspberry sorbet with a Belgian biscuit.
Good.
This morning the King asked for a carpaccio of octopus marinated in a gooseberry marmalade.
But this is a state dinner, not Kate Moss' birthday.
So my father loved, erm, horticulture and botanical gardens and flower shows.
So did my husband.
Is that, erm, past tense? He was a soldier.
Killed in Afghanistan.
Oh, that's terrible.
- How long were you married? - Only a few months.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
- I'd best get on.
- Erm, yes.
- Yes, so must I.
- Here.
- Oh.
- For your button hole, sir.
Thank you.
A few hours ago, I was in the real world.
Getting down with rappers and real people, now I feel like some Ruritanian relic.
This is our world, Henry.
Do hold your sword steady, I don't want it to rip my hem.
I doubt they have ceremonial swords in Salford.
Flick knives and machetes, I imagine.
We live in a bubble Katarina, I intend to burst it.
I've had enough.
Hello, have you come far? Burkina Faso.
Yes? You sent for me, your Royal Highness.
I just wanted to say that the flowers last night looked splendid, a triumph.
You looked very dashing in your admiral's uniform, sir.
Oh, no.
No, I feel such a fraud in it.
Erm, I was only in the navy for two years and most of that was spent cruising the med and attending cocktail parties from Gibraltar to Genoa and on one less than memorable occasion in a Maltese bordello.
I'll treat that strictly off the record, sir.
Oh, please, sit down.
Now, your accent, I'm trying to place it.
The Lowlands, Dumfries.
Robbie Burns was bred there.
Oh, I was at university in Edinburgh.
No, I loved it.
It was my first taste of freedom, I suppose.
It was exhilarating, you know, I met a doctor's daughter named Fiona.
Oh, we made such a game of it, dodging my minders, pubs and pizza parlours and Alphabetti Spaghetti in the microwave, it was it was such a time.
Were you in love, sir? Well, erm Yes, I think I probably was.
A king can marry a commoner, surely? Yes, he can but, erm, she was arrested for smoking hash at a Pink Floyd concert, not the most heinous of crimes, a bit of a no-no in the royal wedding stakes.
Do you know, you're You're the first person I've ever told that to.
- And you don't even know my name.
- My word you're right.
- Serena.
- Erm, and I'm - The King, I knew that.
I've seen your picture on postage stamps.
Sorry to interrupt, sir.
Yes, well thank you very much indeed.
Damien has something to show you.
The, erm, Salford girls have uploaded their video, it's on YouTube already, it's got a lot of hits.
- Your Royal Highness.
- Erm, your Royal Highness.
Oh.
Look at that.
Are you ready? Oh.
Look at me.
Personally, I'm not sure if it's good, or bad.
Yeah, well everyone over 50 thinks it's the end of civilisation as we know it.
Everyone under 25 thinks it's totally bitching.
- Do they? Do they? - Oh, erm, here's a copy of the lyrics, as requested.
Oh, yes.
"Now we ride in low key "allow the king's speech ain't reaching my peeps "real talk that I speak.
" No, no, it's very clever.
We really must see them again.
When's the next garden party? "I've had enough", his very words.
And he was distracted all through dinner.
I mean what on earth was Franny thinking of yesterday, taking him to that place? It wasn't the major's idea, Ma'am, it was the new PR person.
Who you suggested.
I just wanted him to stop Henry wearing bloody cardigans.
Not take him to visit delinquent girls in the frozen north.
And what on earth was he wearing? - I mean a hoodie? - Well, it wasn't a cardigan.
What was he wearing? Princess Alice just arrived through the east gate.
Alice, what a wonderful surprise, I hope you brought my grandson.
Oh, he's impossible in cars.
I brought your granddaughter to be.
Oh, darling, you look wonderful.
- Oh, simply glowing with health.
- Mm.
- Have you trodden in something? - It's cow shit, Daddy.
I was shovelling it at six this morning when I got this panic call from Mummy.
Oh, yeah, what about? About you.
She says you're acting oddly and I should talk to you.
Look, I'm not acting oddly.
I'm just questioning the validity of my role in the universe.
Oh, is that all? Might as well go to Harrods, raid the food hall.
Seriously, is it Mummy? I know she can be rather distant.
Mm.
Glacial is more the word.
Well, she is Scandinavian, but you knew that when you married her.
No, it's not your mother, it's me.
Do you know, the only time I felt free was when I was at university.
I was talking about this to To To To someone.
For 25 years, I feel I've been playing a role.
I I'd like to be anonymous.
Daddy, you can never be anonymous.
You're the king and the people love you.
No, the people who love me are the people who love Wimbledon and flower shows and the Proms and Marmite.
But it's your job, Daddy.
Just as it will be Alistair's when it's his turn.
Yeah, well, that might be sooner than you think.
You know, Gilbert, you're the nearest thing I have to a chum in this whole place.
You seem a little distrait, sir.
Is there something you wish to tell me? Yes.
But I have to tell the Prime Minister first.
Good morning, your Royal Highness.
Prime Minister, good to see you.
- How are things? - I'm taking flack about fracking, battling the Brexit backlash and staving off Welsh separatists.
- Fine apart from that, sir.
- Sorry I asked.
Have you come to arrest me commissioner, did I drive my horse drawn carriage down a bike lane? Sir Roger's here because your Silver Jubilee parade will raise certain issues.
Parade? We think it's important, sir, for you to be reminded of how much the British public respect and revere you, sir.
This is a chance for our nation to rejoice.
A Danny Boyle spectacle that'll demonstrate the people's love and affection for the crown.
No, no, there won't be any spectacle.
But, sir, the British people want What the British people don't need is a costly overblown unnecessary extravaganza.
So no parades, no marching bands down the Mall, no fighter planes buzzing the palace, and please, no Sir Paul McCartney singing Yesterday.
Then what would you suggest, sir? Well, perhaps a simple speech on television.
My thanks to the nation followed by the reasons for my abdication.
Abdication! That was off the record, Prime Minister.
Did he just use the A word? What do you think Damien? Perhaps I should announce it on The Graham Norton Show and the girls from Salford can be the musical guests.
Genius, sir, I'll fix it, I know Graham's people.
His Majesty is not serious.
You're quite wrong, Katerina, his Majesty's entirely serious.
I telephoned the Prince of Wales last night.
He'll be flying in so I can discuss the situation with him.
Excuse me, Your Majesty, it's always been thought, as I understand it, that he was unsuitable on the grounds of his personality and temperament.
Because of the rumours that he's gay.
I hadn't heard that, sir, I just assumed he was artistic.
He is artistic.
And And.
And he's sensitive.
No, he didn't fly an Apache in Afghanistan and he hates fox hunting, that doesn't mean he's gay.
I mean, for heaven's sake, he's almost engaged, to erm Erm The What's her name? - Chelsea Wilton.
- Yeah, precisely.
So where do these rumours start? Daddy, he went to a Rufus Wainwright concert three nights in a row.
There are other options.
In 1649, after Cromwell had beheaded Charles the First, England had no kings at all for four years.
Just putting it out there.
Very well, we will arrange for Henry to have his head chopped off and declare a republic.
The palace can be a theme park.
Your mother and I could work in the gift shop selling souvenir coffee mugs.
Franny, this birthday honours list, are they serious about giving a K to Guy Platt Simms? Services to industry, sir, sold a lot of surplus tanks to Turkmenistan.
But the man's an absolute shit.
He was pimping housemaids at Eton, boys paid them a fiver to flash their breasts and Platt Simms kept 50%.
No! I just have to say, sir, that we are all shattered by your announcement.
And I beg you to reconsider.
Duly noted, major.
The Queen wishes to talk about it, would you like to walk or should I rustle up a golf cart? Golf cart.
We would like you to take some time to think about this.
- In fact your mother and I want you to see somebody.
- Oh, see who? - A psychiatrist.
- Oh.
- Leonora knows a man.
I'm not sure precedent would allow it, no member of the royal family, alive or dead, has ever sought psychiatric help.
Your great uncle Ralph could've used some.
He was completely barking.
At the dinner table he used to scratch his glass eye with a fork.
Most disconcerting.
Look, no shrinks.
End of conversation.
Maybe a shrink would explain where this new assertiveness comes from, Henry.
It's certainly not typical of you.
- It doesn't suit you.
- You've only yourself to blame, Katerina, you're the one who called in the spin merchant to reboot me, I've seen myself in a new light.
Assertive feels good.
Dear boy! You are still Henry IX, King of England, Scotland, Wales and the more agreeable parts of Ireland.
Good God, you want to see me buried wearing this bloody crown.
Well, it would be a magnificent funeral.
As befits a monarch of the realm.
- And you know I look brilliant in black.
- I won't be there.
I shall die somewhere distant and remote.
A mountain top perhaps, or a temple in Rishikesh, a simple ceremony, burning pyre, flowers in the stream, and they will call me enlightened because I gave up everything to find out who I am.
They will refer to me as the man who would not be king.
Isn't Rishikesh where cousin Maude died of dysentery? Yes, it is! No, no.
Don't need you thanks.
I'll drive myself.
The hounds are scenting a story.
Can we stop having this conversation with you upside down.
I might be changing my job.
Could the leak have come from your flower girl? - Florist.
- Oh, my goodness! Seems to have grown a moustache, must be going off the reservation.
It would be an act of extreme selfishness to dismantle centuries of lineage and tradition because you want to snog a flower girl.
She's not a flower girl, she's a florist.
Ah, what do you think about bagpipes, Gilbert? I rarely do, sir.
They always make me think of a cat caught in a vacuum cleaner.
What would the repercussions be if I cancelled them? The Scots would hold another referendum and almost certainly part company with your kingdom.
Oh.
We don't want that, do we? No, don't want that.
But it would mean I wouldn't have to wear a kilt.
I hate kilts! I have to think like a woman every time I get out of a Range Rover.
You know, my worst nightmare is picnics at Balmoral and some paparazzi squatting in the gorse capturing me on his long lens.
Next day, royal testicles all over Instagram.
Perish the thought, sir.
Perish the thought indeed, although it would remind the Queen what they look like.
May we enquire .
.
where these came from, sir? Yes, the Prince of Wales thought I'd like those, they're Paul Smith.
They're very, very now, he assures me.
So are nose rings and tattoos, sir.
Well, I have a tattoo, Gilbert.
From my time in the Navy.
Indeed you do, sir.
And I imagine I'm one of the very few who knows where it is.
Has Her Majesty never wondered who Jasmine was? Well, I hardly know myself and I was I was young and not entirely sober.
Oh, no, Gilbert.
Do you know? This is pathetic, I'm a middle aged man and you're still having to dress me.
I don't dress you, sir, I advise and select.
Today, we thought a single-breasted, navy, lightweight surge, and we can probably risk brown shoes.
You're a brick, Gilbert.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
Probably choose socks like these, sir.
Mood Indigo by Nina Simone You ain't never been blue Till you've had that mood indigo That feeling goes stealing down Good morning, your Royal Highness.
Sorry if I'm late.
Parliamentary Report.
The one that will catch your eye is a virulent attack on the monarchy and your good self by the honourable member for Toxteth.
- Harry Strim? - Strim, is he a bit of a lefty? And a rabid anti-monarchist.
Forever ranting against the wasteful irrelevance of the throne, sir.
- And what's upset him this time? - Royal expenditures.
Oh, for God's sake, we got rid of the Royal Yacht, ditto the Royal Train and we always fly commercial on British Airways, would he prefer us all in economy with precooked pasta on plastic trays? He objects the use of a naval helicopter, says it's a burden to the taxpayer.
When did we use one? It fished Prince Rory out of the drink on his sailing holiday, sir.
Oh.
Well would the taxpayer have preferred it if he'd drowned? Wouldn't have thought so.
When one considers the cost of a state funeral.
We should get moving, at 11 you're due in Hounslow, to visit a leisure centre.
What does that involve? Basically watching a group of seniors do pilates, in a therapeutic pool.
Oh.
Shall I wear a mac? - Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Good morning.
Not one of them is under 70, Your Highness.
Wonderful therapy.
And as you can see, they all enjoy it immensely.
Yes, I may be mistaken, but I rather think the chap at the end is drowning.
Yes.
Oh, bloody heck! Yes, he is.
Jolly well done, Byron, I'm sorry about your suit.
No worries, sir, all part of the job.
I suppose your gun got wet? Don't worry, sir, I have a backup.
And there's a Diemaco assault rifle and a rocket launcher in the boot.
Oh.
It's good to know.
Do you know, Franny, I'm so used to people doing things for me that I stood there like a plank, watching a man drown.
Well, you couldn't jump in yourself, sir.
You'd turn up to lunch looking like a drowned rat.
- What lunch? - Variety Club of Great Britain and Grosvenor House.
- Oh, no.
- Soap stars and ageing comedians.
Good jokes however and a short film of smiling orphans.
Jimmy Carr is making the royal toast.
Hm.
I heard on the news that Park Lane is closed because of a bomb scare.
Am I the intended target? A symbol as I am of obsolete irrelevance.
I shouldn't think so, sir.
Much more likely to be Jimmy Carr.
Good morning, Francis.
My God, Leonora, you look edible.
I could take you right now.
Hm, not now, major, I'm late for the Queen.
The Gainsborough Room, soon as the restorers have gone to lunch.
You're very chummy with the major, Leonora, has he said anything to you about the King? About what, Ma'am? It seems to me that he is acting rather oddly at the moment.
I'm thinking perhaps it could be hormonal.
HM would never reveal issues of an emotional nature with his entourage, Ma'am.
Unless of course he had a mistress.
Oh.
Do you think he has a mistress? No, I honestly don't think he has a mistress.
It's not impossible, Leonora.
Of course, he would have to confine his social activities to the palace, but then we have over 750 rooms.
He would have to learn to be as discreet as you.
And the major.
What are you implying, Ma'am? Oh, I know you've been doing the nasty for months, I caught you once, interacting, in the blue drawing room.
That is when I realised that the major was in the cavalry.
How was your lunch? Oh, lots of rude jokes, I wrote them down on the menu.
Erm, but I left it behind.
Mother! Were we expecting you? I'm moving in for a few days.
My roof is being repaired and they're draining the moat - because they think there may be a dead body in there.
- Whose? I've no idea.
Oh, I do remember hearing a gunshot and a splash about two years ago.
Could be a poacher, could be a Jehovah's Witness.
And why the stick, did you have an accident? No, I hurt myself learning to tango.
Well perhaps at your age you shouldn't be learning to tango.
At my age I should be dead, but learning to tango is much more fun than learning to bottle jam.
You look pale.
Well, I've not been sleeping terribly well.
St John's Wort and a large whisky.
Your mother's visit is very timely, you have been acting out of sorts, reading books on Buddhism and happiness, staring out of the window, playing jazz very loud at night.
Who told you this? Not Gilbert, you'd have to waterboard Gilbert before he as much as revealed the colour of my underwear.
No, it's obvious to everyone that you're experiencing some sort of midlife thing.
Uneasy life ahead that wears the crown.
The crown should never have been mine, should've been Jono's.
You and I would've been a Duke and Duchess, do the odd official function, but otherwise grow organic veggies in a big house in Wiltshire, opening flower shows and having splendid seats for the cup final.
And then with your father on his death bed, your brother decides to play polo and breaks his bloody neck.
And did I complain? No.
I did not.
I took to my queenly duties like a frog takes to water.
It's a duck, dear.
Look, I've never told you this.
Oh, I hate sentences that start like that.
It's usually followed by some awful revelation.
Do you have a lovechild? - Or herpes? - Or is it the prostate, Henry? - No! - Oh.
Do you know? I've been on this throne for almost 25 years and in all that time I've never been in charge of my life, my life's always been in charge of me.
I've I've lost sight of who I really am.
That is why you need a reboot, Henry.
I have arranged for you to see a new PR person.
What was wrong with the old one? He was spending far too much time with his other clients, especially Jose Mourinho.
- Who? - Oh, it's a football manager, mother.
Sounds like a flamenco dancer.
Now, wait a minute, let me get this clear, you want this PR chap to replace a person I'm not, with another person I'm not? Yeah.
Erm, you are embracing middle age far too easily, Henry.
You wear cardigans.
- Only when I'm alone.
- The cardigan is a state of mind.
Look, Paul Smith.
- Oh.
- OK.
- My God.
Basically, sir, it's not about who you are or what you think, it's a brand issue.
Now, polls show that people perceive you as a nice man.
Man on the street.
"King Henry, yeah, nice guy," which is a plus obviously, gives us something to work with, but it's a problem.
Erm, would it be less of a problem if I was an absolute shit? OK, here's the thing, erm, you've got this kind of endearing vibe, sort of safe, familiar, erm, like a favourite armchair, young people don't connect with that, and grannies are endearing, do you see what I'm saying? Yes.
Look, I'm awfully sorry, it's It's Oh, it's Damien, sir.
Yes.
Damien.
So how do I connect? You need to demonstrate that you get young people, sir.
It's my job basically to rebrand you.
Rebrand? Does that involve a red-hot iron on my left flank? No, no.
No, sorry.
Damien feels that some of your appointments were a little too predictable, sir.
Well, totally lame in my opinion.
I mean yesterday that thing with the aquatic oldies, what was that about? - Sir.
- Well, what do you suggest? Salford.
It's up north.
Salford's poor, it's super dangerous, with high unemployment, sex slaves and drugs, you going there is not predictable.
It's a total game changer.
Like, "Wow".
- Wow? - Totally.
There's a halfway house there for delinquent girls.
Now, some of them are single mothers, most of them were crack addicts.
So, Damien, you want His Majesty to visit a crack house? No, major, a crack house is for people who buy crack.
This is a halfway house, for people who used to buy crack, but don't buy crack any more.
No, no, I I, erm I think we should, erm, give it a crack.
Are you sure about this, sir? Oh come on, it'll be fine.
Yes, Salford.
One, two, three, four.
Let's see those arms up, Salford.
Rapping for the king.
Like him.
Yo.
Man stepping in and we get banged up for shooting Pagans get hit in the bit we be keeping it lit Got to go zit to zit You're a crook, bruv yeah, you calling legit Don't think I got all of that, but crikey, it's good.
Born to the glock things wrote on the block I wrote with my mandem my squad is my fam We ain't bringing you heat all you've seen and now leave Putting it straight now we riding low key Allow the King's speech, yeah, it reaching my peeps Real talk that I speak get those creps off your feet Are you hearing me now? Drop out the crown.
I mean, it was brilliant, it rhymes and everything.
As you say, sir, brilliant.
Totally phat.
Damien, I want a full translation on my desk first thing tomorrow morning.
Oh, erm, what was that last bit they did? Erm Take them creps off your feet are you hearing it now? Drop out of the crown.
Yes.
Now, there's a thought.
- Oh.
- Oh, my word.
So many flowers.
For the state dinner, your Royal Highness.
Which is in two hours, so you'll need to bathe and change.
Yes, yes.
I'll, erm I'll be along in a minute.
This state dinner for the President of where is it? Burkina Faso.
- And where the bollocks is that? - Formerly Upper Volta I believe.
Oh, that helps.
I hope he's only bringing one of his wives, or we'll run out of soup plates.
What are you planning, Marcello? How are we supposed to keep up with all these name changes? I mean when we were lads it was Peking and Bombay, not Beijing and Mumbai.
- Yes, well - I think we should retaliate.
Call Birmingham Biggleswade and Manchester Market Harbrough.
The menu, chef.
The first course is creamy fennel soup followed by, surprise, surprise, Scotch smoked salmon.
Main will be loin of Welsh lamb with croquette potatoes, roast carrots and baby asparagus.
Dessert is a raspberry sorbet with a Belgian biscuit.
Good.
This morning the King asked for a carpaccio of octopus marinated in a gooseberry marmalade.
But this is a state dinner, not Kate Moss' birthday.
So my father loved, erm, horticulture and botanical gardens and flower shows.
So did my husband.
Is that, erm, past tense? He was a soldier.
Killed in Afghanistan.
Oh, that's terrible.
- How long were you married? - Only a few months.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
- I'd best get on.
- Erm, yes.
- Yes, so must I.
- Here.
- Oh.
- For your button hole, sir.
Thank you.
A few hours ago, I was in the real world.
Getting down with rappers and real people, now I feel like some Ruritanian relic.
This is our world, Henry.
Do hold your sword steady, I don't want it to rip my hem.
I doubt they have ceremonial swords in Salford.
Flick knives and machetes, I imagine.
We live in a bubble Katarina, I intend to burst it.
I've had enough.
Hello, have you come far? Burkina Faso.
Yes? You sent for me, your Royal Highness.
I just wanted to say that the flowers last night looked splendid, a triumph.
You looked very dashing in your admiral's uniform, sir.
Oh, no.
No, I feel such a fraud in it.
Erm, I was only in the navy for two years and most of that was spent cruising the med and attending cocktail parties from Gibraltar to Genoa and on one less than memorable occasion in a Maltese bordello.
I'll treat that strictly off the record, sir.
Oh, please, sit down.
Now, your accent, I'm trying to place it.
The Lowlands, Dumfries.
Robbie Burns was bred there.
Oh, I was at university in Edinburgh.
No, I loved it.
It was my first taste of freedom, I suppose.
It was exhilarating, you know, I met a doctor's daughter named Fiona.
Oh, we made such a game of it, dodging my minders, pubs and pizza parlours and Alphabetti Spaghetti in the microwave, it was it was such a time.
Were you in love, sir? Well, erm Yes, I think I probably was.
A king can marry a commoner, surely? Yes, he can but, erm, she was arrested for smoking hash at a Pink Floyd concert, not the most heinous of crimes, a bit of a no-no in the royal wedding stakes.
Do you know, you're You're the first person I've ever told that to.
- And you don't even know my name.
- My word you're right.
- Serena.
- Erm, and I'm - The King, I knew that.
I've seen your picture on postage stamps.
Sorry to interrupt, sir.
Yes, well thank you very much indeed.
Damien has something to show you.
The, erm, Salford girls have uploaded their video, it's on YouTube already, it's got a lot of hits.
- Your Royal Highness.
- Erm, your Royal Highness.
Oh.
Look at that.
Are you ready? Oh.
Look at me.
Personally, I'm not sure if it's good, or bad.
Yeah, well everyone over 50 thinks it's the end of civilisation as we know it.
Everyone under 25 thinks it's totally bitching.
- Do they? Do they? - Oh, erm, here's a copy of the lyrics, as requested.
Oh, yes.
"Now we ride in low key "allow the king's speech ain't reaching my peeps "real talk that I speak.
" No, no, it's very clever.
We really must see them again.
When's the next garden party? "I've had enough", his very words.
And he was distracted all through dinner.
I mean what on earth was Franny thinking of yesterday, taking him to that place? It wasn't the major's idea, Ma'am, it was the new PR person.
Who you suggested.
I just wanted him to stop Henry wearing bloody cardigans.
Not take him to visit delinquent girls in the frozen north.
And what on earth was he wearing? - I mean a hoodie? - Well, it wasn't a cardigan.
What was he wearing? Princess Alice just arrived through the east gate.
Alice, what a wonderful surprise, I hope you brought my grandson.
Oh, he's impossible in cars.
I brought your granddaughter to be.
Oh, darling, you look wonderful.
- Oh, simply glowing with health.
- Mm.
- Have you trodden in something? - It's cow shit, Daddy.
I was shovelling it at six this morning when I got this panic call from Mummy.
Oh, yeah, what about? About you.
She says you're acting oddly and I should talk to you.
Look, I'm not acting oddly.
I'm just questioning the validity of my role in the universe.
Oh, is that all? Might as well go to Harrods, raid the food hall.
Seriously, is it Mummy? I know she can be rather distant.
Mm.
Glacial is more the word.
Well, she is Scandinavian, but you knew that when you married her.
No, it's not your mother, it's me.
Do you know, the only time I felt free was when I was at university.
I was talking about this to To To To someone.
For 25 years, I feel I've been playing a role.
I I'd like to be anonymous.
Daddy, you can never be anonymous.
You're the king and the people love you.
No, the people who love me are the people who love Wimbledon and flower shows and the Proms and Marmite.
But it's your job, Daddy.
Just as it will be Alistair's when it's his turn.
Yeah, well, that might be sooner than you think.
You know, Gilbert, you're the nearest thing I have to a chum in this whole place.
You seem a little distrait, sir.
Is there something you wish to tell me? Yes.
But I have to tell the Prime Minister first.
Good morning, your Royal Highness.
Prime Minister, good to see you.
- How are things? - I'm taking flack about fracking, battling the Brexit backlash and staving off Welsh separatists.
- Fine apart from that, sir.
- Sorry I asked.
Have you come to arrest me commissioner, did I drive my horse drawn carriage down a bike lane? Sir Roger's here because your Silver Jubilee parade will raise certain issues.
Parade? We think it's important, sir, for you to be reminded of how much the British public respect and revere you, sir.
This is a chance for our nation to rejoice.
A Danny Boyle spectacle that'll demonstrate the people's love and affection for the crown.
No, no, there won't be any spectacle.
But, sir, the British people want What the British people don't need is a costly overblown unnecessary extravaganza.
So no parades, no marching bands down the Mall, no fighter planes buzzing the palace, and please, no Sir Paul McCartney singing Yesterday.
Then what would you suggest, sir? Well, perhaps a simple speech on television.
My thanks to the nation followed by the reasons for my abdication.
Abdication! That was off the record, Prime Minister.
Did he just use the A word? What do you think Damien? Perhaps I should announce it on The Graham Norton Show and the girls from Salford can be the musical guests.
Genius, sir, I'll fix it, I know Graham's people.
His Majesty is not serious.
You're quite wrong, Katerina, his Majesty's entirely serious.
I telephoned the Prince of Wales last night.
He'll be flying in so I can discuss the situation with him.
Excuse me, Your Majesty, it's always been thought, as I understand it, that he was unsuitable on the grounds of his personality and temperament.
Because of the rumours that he's gay.
I hadn't heard that, sir, I just assumed he was artistic.
He is artistic.
And And.
And he's sensitive.
No, he didn't fly an Apache in Afghanistan and he hates fox hunting, that doesn't mean he's gay.
I mean, for heaven's sake, he's almost engaged, to erm Erm The What's her name? - Chelsea Wilton.
- Yeah, precisely.
So where do these rumours start? Daddy, he went to a Rufus Wainwright concert three nights in a row.
There are other options.
In 1649, after Cromwell had beheaded Charles the First, England had no kings at all for four years.
Just putting it out there.
Very well, we will arrange for Henry to have his head chopped off and declare a republic.
The palace can be a theme park.
Your mother and I could work in the gift shop selling souvenir coffee mugs.
Franny, this birthday honours list, are they serious about giving a K to Guy Platt Simms? Services to industry, sir, sold a lot of surplus tanks to Turkmenistan.
But the man's an absolute shit.
He was pimping housemaids at Eton, boys paid them a fiver to flash their breasts and Platt Simms kept 50%.
No! I just have to say, sir, that we are all shattered by your announcement.
And I beg you to reconsider.
Duly noted, major.
The Queen wishes to talk about it, would you like to walk or should I rustle up a golf cart? Golf cart.
We would like you to take some time to think about this.
- In fact your mother and I want you to see somebody.
- Oh, see who? - A psychiatrist.
- Oh.
- Leonora knows a man.
I'm not sure precedent would allow it, no member of the royal family, alive or dead, has ever sought psychiatric help.
Your great uncle Ralph could've used some.
He was completely barking.
At the dinner table he used to scratch his glass eye with a fork.
Most disconcerting.
Look, no shrinks.
End of conversation.
Maybe a shrink would explain where this new assertiveness comes from, Henry.
It's certainly not typical of you.
- It doesn't suit you.
- You've only yourself to blame, Katerina, you're the one who called in the spin merchant to reboot me, I've seen myself in a new light.
Assertive feels good.
Dear boy! You are still Henry IX, King of England, Scotland, Wales and the more agreeable parts of Ireland.
Good God, you want to see me buried wearing this bloody crown.
Well, it would be a magnificent funeral.
As befits a monarch of the realm.
- And you know I look brilliant in black.
- I won't be there.
I shall die somewhere distant and remote.
A mountain top perhaps, or a temple in Rishikesh, a simple ceremony, burning pyre, flowers in the stream, and they will call me enlightened because I gave up everything to find out who I am.
They will refer to me as the man who would not be king.
Isn't Rishikesh where cousin Maude died of dysentery? Yes, it is! No, no.
Don't need you thanks.
I'll drive myself.
The hounds are scenting a story.
Can we stop having this conversation with you upside down.
I might be changing my job.
Could the leak have come from your flower girl? - Florist.
- Oh, my goodness! Seems to have grown a moustache, must be going off the reservation.
It would be an act of extreme selfishness to dismantle centuries of lineage and tradition because you want to snog a flower girl.
She's not a flower girl, she's a florist.