Hiccups (2010) s01e01 Episode Script

Hmm.
I don't know There're just so many choices.
Half of these things, I don't even know what they are.
Why do they write them in Italian? Who speaks Italian? You know? Let's see I had a thing one time that had whipped cream on it, and that was pretty good.
Hmm.
Honest to Christmas, how long does it take to order a cup of coffee? I guess it really wasn't whipped cream, it was some kind of foam? Why doesn't she tell him to shut his stupid face and get a regular cup of coffee? Well, that might be a little harsh.
He's being a wad.
If you knew that there was 9 million people lined up behind you, wouldn't you hustle it up a little bit? Well, yeah, but you just can't tell someone to shut their stupid face.
I know, I know.
"Society dictates.
" Getting tired of that tune.
I know I don't want the one with the syrupy stuff.
That's too sweet.
Ick.
And sticky.
And syrupy.
Shut your face and get a coffee! Took out the word "stupid.
" I have the right to take as long as I need.
You don't have the right to make us stand around here for 20 minutes while you suck the life out of us with your stupid coffee quiz.
"Is there a fudge-flavoured coffee? How about a cheese-flavoured coffee?" Ma'am- "Oh, I like bananas.
" "Can I have a banana that's been dipped in coffee and rolled in peanuts?" You need to settle down.
You need to make me! Twyla! Oh, Twyla is gonna make me? Listen, people! We don't have to take this! I mean, if they think that we're just gonna stand around and- Ho-ly! Someone's been drinking their milk.
You Twyla? A flush beats a straight? Whoa! Hang on! Hold the phone! "Stan Dirko.
" "Stan Dirko.
" Who are you? Stan Dirko.
Nailed it! Oh! Sorry to just whoosh in here like that.
I thought there'd be, like, a little front-area-type thing, you know? Like, receptionist maybe.
I don't know.
A hat-rack? Waste of time, that stuff.
I mean, by the time you walk in here and-and-and, uh, hang up your hat and talk to a bunch of receptionists and they buzz into me on some $40-intercom Who am I trying to impress? Is this shag? This way, you open the door, we get right to business.
Now? Now.
Ooh! What is a, uh "Life coach?" I guess what I mean to say is, I've never heard of such a thing as you! But I'll be damned if it doesn't sound like somethin' I could use.
Well, it's something we can all use.
I thought you were one? I am one.
But you could use one? Um Like a dentist! Can't clean his own teeth, with the hook and the sucky thing, so he goes to a dentist! There you go! Not as complicated as it seemed.
Mind you, any problem can be solved if you scrape away- I shout a lot.
Pardon? My problem? The one I need you to scrape? I shout at people.
I see.
Okay.
So you're an angry person? No! I'm happy as hell.
Sometimes, I get real happy, but overly happy, is what I'm told, in which case I start to cry, but then I cry when I'm sad also, you know, and that's pretty normal, isn't it? Or am I all turned around on that one, too? See? It's tricky.
So you're upset that you get angry and-and confused about crying when you get happy sometimes? It's like you're right inside my head.
So what do you think? Can you fix me up? No, I can't.
Dammit! I was going to say I could show you how to fix yourself.
Oh! That would be awesome! Is Millie here yet? No.
Did you tell her noon? Yes, I did, Ms.
Haddison.
Didn't I tell you not to call me "Ms.
Haddison?" You told me to call you "Joyce.
" That's right.
You don't just work for me, you work with me.
I call you Cindy, you call me Joyce.
My name's Crystal.
The point is, I'm Joyce.
Well, hello.
You're new.
No.
I've been here since yesterday.
Well, you're new to me.
Did it just get sleazy in here? Oh, look.
It's Taylor.
Hey, Joyce.
You wanted to see me? "Want" is not the word.
Yearn? There's been another incident with Millie.
Sorry about the pens.
Cup didn't break, though.
What is that, melmac? That's okay, that's okay, no harm done.
Have a seat.
Let me ask you this, miss Your name? Millie.
Millie Upton.
Let me ask you this, Millie.
When was the last time you got angry? I just threw your cup.
Oh, before the cup! Right! Um I had a bit of a hiccup this morning, getting coffee.
"Hiccup?" Ironically, that's when I saw your card.
No! Hey, Twyla? Can you grab me one of those, please? Thanks! You're an interesting case, Millie.
Guess what? I'm going to help you.
Hot soup! When do we start? I've been analyzing you since you walked in the door, and I've ascertained certain things about you.
All good, I hope? Well, it's not all good, or you wouldn't be here.
Touche.
You are what I call An "over-reactionist.
" Three minutes, and you already hung a name on my problem.
Nice work, doc.
I'm not a doctor.
Not even a doctor! Take that, you stupid psychiatrists! Come on, Joyce.
I know that Millie can cause some problems, but she deserves a second chance.
Second chance? This would be her hundredth chance.
Who's counting? My lawyers are.
When she gets here, would you send her in? When who gets here? Millie! We have been talking about Millie for 10 minutes.
Maybe you guys were.
I was picking a new ringtone.
Glad to have you on board.
Thanks, Joyce.
Heya, Joyce! Millie! You scared the- Am I late? I got a little sidetracked, so I ran all the way here, and I saw you talking to Is she new? Oh, my banker's daughter.
On an unrelated note, my mortgage for this building has been approved.
Hey, new girl! I'm Millie.
Millie's here! Oh, she sounds nice.
Well, I was just telling Taylor that Taylor? It's a lot more fun if you're flexible.
Taylor, get in here! Work, work, work.
Hey there she is! Heya, Taylor.
Whew! Do I reek? Ran a lot.
Sweatin' like a donkey.
Do I stink? I don't know.
Or want to know.
Whew! Wouldn't wish that on anybody.
You need to focus here, kiddo.
There's been an official complaint.
Dammit! About what? About what? About your last "hiccup.
" Aw! Come on! That guy at the coffee shop was a jerk! Coffee shop? What coffee shop? I'm talking about the bookstore.
Yesterday.
Oh! Well, yeah, there'd be complaints about that one, for sure.
Get off me! Oh! You can dish it out, but you can't take it? She started it! She says you started it.
Well, I said that she- wait a second.
Neither of us started it.
Hey, young fella! You like books? Books are stupid.
And you're stupid! Oh.
Well, you can bite me.
Don't do that.
Quit pushing! You're stupid.
What are you doing to my son? He started it! He started it! Uh, her word against his.
Oh, you're still here, good.
Hey, did you read this thing about the guy with the pet angel? No.
But listen- it's an angel, you know, from heaven? But it's also his pet.
Flies around on a leash.
Look.
Anna, listen- that's gotta be fake.
Anna! I got a client! That's great, Stan! Oh! I knew you could do this.
Well, I was starting to worry.
I mean, six months, no clients, that's a lot of nothing.
I mean, it's a lot of months, but that's about it.
So who is he? What's he like? He's a she, and she's nice enough, but a real bag of snakes.
I invented a new word today, "over-reactionist.
" That's a big one.
My very first client.
I was good today, too.
I was like a sponge, suckin' up every detail and nuance.
What does she do for a living? I don't know.
- Is she married? - I'm not sure.
Does she have any kids? It's important not to suck up too much too soon with a new client.
You might scare them off.
See how good you are at this? You know just how much to suck.
And you can learn all those things at your next session.
We-we haven't actu Actually Oh, crap.
I'm sorry, Joyce And it won't happpn again.
Most kids aren't like that pushy little pig-faced kid, and his stupid mom, who can't fight without pulling hair.
Real mature.
I can't take any more chances.
I'm going to cancel this afternoon.
What? No! Don't cancel! Please, Joyce? You said that if I got help, you'd let me keep going.
It's true.
You did say that.
You went to a psychiatrist for, what, two sessions? And then you quit because you said he had weird eyes.
He was like one of those creepy paintings in an old movie How's that going to help me? Hey, but she's going to that psychologist now? No, she quit that, too, because I can't even remember why.
He smelled like pudding.
Ohh honestly.
Butterscotch pudding! And that was all I could think about.
Butterscotch is pretty gross.
Fine.
You leave me no choice.
Yes, I do.
Because I started going to a new guy.
Way better than creep-eyes and butterstench.
Up- "upply" "Uppleton?" "Uppledike?" "Maggie Upplingtonsen?" Oh! Hi, doc! Not "doc," "coach.
" It's Millie.
"Millie!" Yes! I just wanted to see when you wanted to get together, or something like that.
I have no idea.
But maybe you don't want to get together.
I don't know how this works! Stan Dirko.
Life coach.
Hello, doc? Is that you, or your message thing? It's me.
Is that you, Millie? Yes, it's me, but I can hardly hear you! Is someone in the office with you? It's not someone, it's you.
I can't get it to- hey, chatty Kathy, hold your water for two seconds! You're not his only client, you know! Geez, that was loud! You hit her with a stun gun or something? No, that was my answering ma- my voicemail- my, uh, digital electronic voicemail service.
Well, I was just seeing when you want to get together.
We should get right to work.
The sooner you get here, the better.
Dirko, you got the rent? Here's not good.
All right.
You want to get a cup of coffee somewhere? Coffee? Um Yeah, okay.
I know a good spot.
It was like having butterscotch pudding right up my nose.
Well, listen, psychology and all that stuff is good, for what it is, but doctors aren't for everyone.
Throw me onto that pile.
Oh! Gracias dias.
Some people are too layered and complex for doctors.
Holy! Check out the beehive on Beuhla! Say hi to "The Shirelles" for me! Anyway, I want to be clear, I didn't bring you here just 'cause it's all I could afford, if that's what you're thinking.
I wanted to graphically illustrate a point.
See, society trains us to spend all kinds of money on fancy Egyptian coffee from Spain, and expensive psychiatrists from college, but, in my opinion- You can stop selling yourself, doc, you got the gig.
Get up there and start flippin' switches! I'm already up there.
You just learned your first lesson: You don't have to spend a bunch of money to get what you need.
Is there milk? No.
Now, there are several paths that we can take on the road to happyville.
Is there a trick to this thing? First, off the bat, I think we need to deal with your overreactionism.
Oh! This stupid hunk of crap! Who makes a spout that flops open like some kind of dead-fish mouth? Who made this? "Creamco.
" Well! Mr.
creamco owes me a pair of pants.
What-? Whoa! What are you-? Wait.
Wait up! "Gringo?" No! Creamco! You know! The stupid milk place with the floppy milk spouts? You're just going there? Do you have an address? Uh yeah, 1- no, 44- no, 144 East- gah! Hey! Oof! What are you doing? This is a new shirt! No- d- don't hit me! Don't hit me! Oh, I needed that.
Nice work, doc.
I'm not a doctor.
Right! Right.
A life coach.
And what is that again? You know By getting me out of that cab, you probably saved me a lot of embarrassment and hassle And a fist-fight with some part-time security hump.
Yeah, but let's roll it back to the milk.
You spilled some milk on your pants, and your first instinct is to attack the dairy? Oh Here we go.
Here's where you give me the old "you're as crazy as a pound of wet mice" speech.
The old "put down the scissors and step away from the-" No, no! I don't want you to step away from anything.
Listen.
I'm a life coach, Millie.
I like to think that stands for something.
You're like Telly Savalas! What's next? Well, we-we schedule regular meetings.
Of course, we haven't discussed my fee.
Excusez-vous! I'll look for my chequebook.
Hold onto this, will ya? Did I leave my chequebook at the petting zoo? Oh, hey, your phone is ringing! Answer it for me.
Hello? Who the hell is this? I'm Stan.
I'm helping Millie.
Not with her phone- well, I am helping with her phone at the moment, but this is just one small- Oh! You're the new guy she was talking about.
That's right.
Well, listen up, you want to help her? You can tell her she's late.
And make sure she gets there in the next 10 minutes or they're pulling the whole thing.
Got that? I got it! Tell? Tell what? Who was that? How should I know? She said you were late, and you had to be there in 10 minutes.
Oh! Nutloaf! I forgot about it.
I gotta go, I got work to do! Whoa, whoa, wait! This is a good opportunity for me to kind of observe you in your work environment, to help me see what triggers these- Let's roll! Impulsive tendencies.
Millie! What took you so long? Did you stop for a massage or something? A grown man can't run seven blocks in a row! Come around here.
I'm not supposed to use the front door.
Millie Upton! Hello, hello.
I'm Brian, the manager.
Can I get you a water or a coffee? We have juice! Okay, give her some room, pal.
She just got here.
Hey, kiddo! - Heya, Taylor.
- You all set? Do you need a water or a coffee? Is there any juice? No, I'm good to go.
She's good to go.
Then right this way.
Everyone is so excited.
Who are you? I'm Stan.
Stan Dirko.
Millie is my client.
Oh! Oh.
You're the guy.
Well, good luck, frenchy.
She's a handful.
I know, I'm her agent.
"Agent?" "Frenchy?" Here she is, the creator and author of the Grumpaloo Gang Millie Upton! Who here is a Grumpaloo? "I am!" Whoa! What do ya do with a Grumpaloo? Am I dreaming this? "And when the sun went down, "all the baby Grumpaloos "and all the Grownupagrumpaloos "had all crawled into bed, "and they dreamed of tomorrow until It was there.
" Fantastic! How about a big thank-you to Millie Upton for reading from her latest book, Grumpaloos get lost? Yay! Millie will be at the check-out in just a few minutes to sign your books.
Whoa, hey! You created The Grumpaloos? You just got water up my nose.
Everybody knows The Grumpaloos! The books, the- the cartoons, the toys Yeah, they're all over the place now.
It's kind of cool.
But you're rich and famous! Oh, well, my Grumpaloos are famous.
But you're rich? Only in the sense that I have a lot of money.
Mm! This pie tastes like donuts.
Which would be brilliant, if somebody thought of that.
Well, have another piece.
I got first payment from my client.
Can I meet her some time? There could be some issues of confidentiality.
She's a I don't want to say "celebrity," but- Celebrity? Now I have to know! Honest, if I could tell you, I would, but my clients expect a certain level of anonymity.
Guess who! Ohh! Hiya, doc! Oh! Is this your wife? Oh It is your wife, isn't it? I didn't stick my foot in it? Mind you If you're out doggin' around like some kind of pig No, this is my wife.
Oh! I'm not surprised! He doesn't strike me as the dog type.
Or even pig, really.
Well, thank you.
Anna, this is my client, Millie.
Oh, hi, Millie! I was just asking Stan who you were.
Oh-oh! All good, I hope? Stan says you're famous? Wait! You said I didn't- I didn't exactly No, you said "Stan" and "Anna?" stanannanna stanannanna stanannanna, stanannan- stanannanna! Stanannanna! Stanannanna! Stanannanna! Batman! She's a singer? No, she's sta-a-a-a-a.
anannana where the winds come rollin' down the way She's complicated.
So, little Missy Grumpaloo got kicked right out of the coffee shop by the nasty, angry Stinkaloo.
And even though Missy Grumpaloo was right, and smart, and pretty, the mean Stinkaloo's words hurt her feelings.
Then, Dr.
Grumpaloo- who wasn't even really a doctor!- said, "don't you worry, missy! "I'll teach you "how to not be so loud and not so mad "and not so frightened and not so sad.
" And that made little Missy feel better.
And she didn't feel like she had to come back and burn down Stinkaloo's coffee shop anymore.