Hiccups and Hookups (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

1
You know,
I love gay men for two reasons.
Firstly,
they leave all the girls for us.
And secondly,
they take away some men with them too.
Monty is gay!
I knew it!
That is why when we were kids,
he'd wear my heels to parties.
Meet Chandni Chopra
from Chandni Chowk.
She's here wearing
a 'wannabe' outfit
in search of her
Prince Charming.
As a capitalist,
I admire her focus.
Oh my God!
Poli aunty!
Listen. If Poli aunty
wears a colourful sari,
what will she be called?
Holi aunty!
If Poli aunty gets
involved with multiple men,
what will she be called?
Polygamy!
Hush!
Grandma is looking so gorgeous,
as always.
Today,
Gayatri will give an amazing speech again.
Nothing?
I actually respect that.
Akku.
Doesn't one of dad's
eyebrows look weird?
Yes, the left one has moved
up high to the first floor.
- Yes.
- Listen.
Do you have an eyeliner?
My son, accept my Facebook
friend request now, at least.
'Young man, accept his Facebook
friend request now, at least.'
A bad dream?
No!
I got scared that you left me.
Do you even know my name?
Angels don't have names, baby.
Goodnight.
Listen. Be careful
while leaving.
My sister and niece
are staying over.
Goodnight.
I have an 18-year old daughter.
I'm almost 40, Paula.
Look! I've started
talking to the screen now.
'Before your first date,
remember the Paula pump-up!'
'Take off your
clothes. Come on.'
Paula, I don't look at
myself even while showering.
Okay. Come on.
You can do this.
'Before your first sexual encounter,
'
'tell yourself, 'Hey, sexy!'
Okay.
Hey!
I can't do all this, Paula.
Okay. I'm going to get ready.
I don't want to be
late for college again.
Should I say 'hi' to your mom?
Because for four months,
I've been avoiding it.
But I don't want
things to be awkward.
This is my bath time slot, dude.
You do what you want.
Even today,
there was no water in the shower!
Just don't ask how I got ready.
I have a very important
meeting at the office today.
You mean, even the slotting
system for showering has failed!
- No.
Bathing slots!
This is a magic trick to top mock tests,
bro!
Really? How?
Oh, he's so cute!
Not.
Many weird things happen here,
but magic ain't one of them.
There's water shortage. So,
we're trying to put a system in place.
And nobody thought of
waking up early and storing it.
I have stored it for my cooking.
Did you people not store it?
Selvi has politely
told you to f♪♪k off.
Okay, I'm done bathing.
Bye, guys!
Hey, Kay! Have your breakfast.
I'm done having breakfast.
Bye, guys!
I can't be an irresponsible
co-founder and turn up without bathing.
So, work from home it is!
How convenient!
Okay. I'm late. I've got to go.
Bye! Come home soon.
Eat well.
Reply to my
forwards with a 'LOL'.
You know
that I don't appreciate you
and Kay staying at my place.
Like you have a choice!
- Bye!
- Bye!
- One cake for three people?
- Thank God, we got one!
I've baked this
special pineapple cake.
I'm allergic to pineapple.
Seriously.
Whenever I had pineapple
cake through my childhood,
I'd get itchy rashes.
Hello!
- Hello.
- Hello, sir.
The moment you mentioned itchy,
he turned up.
- Yes.
As you know,
Satvik literally means
a nice guy.
So, I'll do something nice.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you.
- Shall we?
- Yes, please.
My in-laws say that I should
be a stand-up comedian.
Did you see? The joke was lame,
but Febin, DD,
and Sharmila laughed loudly.
Appraisal season!
Please!
Thank you, sir.
By the way, tell me something.
What is a cop's
favourite dessert?
Cops
Anyone?
A lame joke coming.
Sir, why don't you tell us?
Okay. So,
a cop's favourite dessert is 'copcakes'.
'Copcakes!'
- This is a new low even for him.
- I swear, man!
Let's cut the pineapple cake
made by our own, Sanghi!
And in the spirit of
Proficient Family,
new employees
will get the cake first.
Vasu.
Let's cut this pineapple cake.
"Happy birthday to you!"
"Happy birthday to you!"
"Happy birthday, dear Febin!"
"Happy birthday to you!"
Vasu.
Didn't you eat my cake?
It's very tasty.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
After my leg amputation
baking is all
that I have in life.
How are things with your dad,
Kay?
I miss him.
Cheating like that
is such a big no.
I don't judge him because
he never judged me.
- So, let's be fair.
- Yes.
Parents are so weird!
I mean, just look at my dad.
He isn't divorcing my mom.
I know he has his own reasons,
but still
Honestly, looking at our parents,
I don't think
there's any hope
for us in the future.
They are just so involved
in their own things.
They forget that
they have children.
Alright, guys! Remember that after
you're done with a hundred stretches,
this is key!
He's so yummy!
Oh!
Hi,
Aks! Looks like it's Uncle's Day today.
Oh, you poor thing!
Your uncle isn't as cool as Kay's,
is he?
Yes. You're so cool!
- In a lame way!
- In a lame way!
Whatever!
- Love you too, girls. Bye!
- Bye!
I'll drive.
Alright. Just don't kill us.
And don't tell your mom.
Will he take a year to move?
Hello! Your uncle
was also once fat.
Don't you remember
my 'chubby' phase?
Yes,
I know I should be a better person.
Yo! Keyur!
Hey, bro! I had mailed
you Kechup's monthly stats.
You said you'd get back to
us by 4 pm with your inputs.
- Yo! Yes
- Pankaj was asking.
Yes, I'll send them right away.
I was taking a nap
as I had a fever.
Oh! You take care.
Yes. You too, bro!
It's too much, right?
No, babe. Too hot!
Please. Just relax.
Let your hormones
buzz with Hemant,
then jump straight into bed.
Listen. It's my first
date in 20 years.
If the date goes well,
you'll have some amazing sex!
Sex!
No! It's just a date tonight.
I just hope it goes well.
That's more than enough.
When my boyfriend and I
had sex for the first time,
we tried three positions.
Doggy-style rescued us.
So, lubrication and patience
Bye, fatty!
"I beg to dream and differ."
"from the hollow lies."
"This is the dawning
of the rest of our lives"
"on holiday"
Let's make out.
But your uncle is in the house,
right?
So?
This is not comfortable for me.
I mean, he was watching us
from his bedroom window last night.
Creepy!
He must be thinking
about something.
He zones out sometimes.
Isn't it weird?
I mean, you, your mother,
and your uncle living
in the same house?
Mom and uncle are besties.
Uncle is feeling
a little low in life.
Looks good. Where is Kay?
She's in her room with Aryan.
Does that guy stay here all day?
Do you also think
she can do better?
Oh! But he plays the guitar.
Dude! Who doesn't
play the guitar?
Kay, we're going out.
Selvi has made dinner. Have it.
Okay!
And if you need anything,
call me.
Okay.
- Bye, Aryan!
- Yes! Bye!
Bye, Kay.
"I"
"I I beg to
dream and differ."
Vasu.
My date is over there.
Okay.
I think mine said he'd
meet me in the lounge.
Okay. Good luck.
Hi, Vyajanthi.
- Hi!
- Akhil!
Hi!
- Vasudha.
- Yes. Hemant?
Yes.
You're very hot.
Please.
Thanks.
- Nice place.
- Have you been here before?
- My first time here. Yours?
- Same.
Alright.
Do you have any vegan options?
- I'll have a meat burger.
- Okay.
And water
- Sure.
- Thank you.
Nothing else to drink?
No, I'm a totalitarian.
Tot
You mean teetotaller!
Yes. That's what I just said,
right?
I've been a vegan for two years.
And I think,
given the state of the world,
veganism is even
more important now.
Why? What has
happened to the world?
Didn't you watch Joaquin
Phoenix's speech at the Oscars?
We are killing animals.
The baby was
birthed by its mother
Nobody asks her
before hurting her calves.
Nobody thinks about
the poor mother.
What the
Poor animal?
These days,
many women get Botoxed.
But I love natural beauty.
Anyway, forget all that.
Do you like beer?
Well Wine.
I've grown up drinking beer.
My dad used to start
his day with a beer.
He'd give me a glassful too.
Kids drinking beer
Isn't that a bit off?
Come on! Don't be so typical.
So You said that
you don't like kids.
No! I said I didn't
want to have kids.
Kids are cool.
I mean,
who doesn't like other people's kids?
Actually,
I have a young girl staying at my house.
What?
My niece. And my sister too.
Don't worry.
I haven't tied up any
underage girl in the basement.
We were married for 19 years.
We have a daughter.
And
Four and a half months ago,
when I came home early
after getting a pedicure
I saw that he had eaten
all my strawberries,
he had turned our
living room into a mess.
My husband.
Your wine, sir.
And yes He was
f♪♪king a younger woman.
How young?
Very.
Lovely.
- By the way, I was married too.
- Oh!
My wife was very special.
Yeah?
Beautiful,
intelligent and generous.
That is why she
worked for an NGO.
Then what followed was expected.
- Work-life balance issues.
- No!
She was working in a village.
She stepped out one
evening for a stroll.
She was under a bridge
when a buffalo fell
on her and she died.
- Who?
- My wife.
And the buffalo too.
Oh!
I co-founded this thing. We
first began work in our 1 BHK.
And now,
it's a pretty big startup.
Oh,
nice! What is it like? What's the name?
Kechup.
So,
it's the same app on which we matched!
Yes.
- So, you use your own app!
- Yes.
I created the algos.
So, it seems Kechup's algo
matches you with hot girls.
You know what, Vyajanthi?
You are a lot
smarter than you look.
Excuse me. I'll be right back.
I'll just use the restroom.
His dog's name is dicky.
And he speaks very formally.
He thinks he's a corporate poet.
But on Kechup,
his match rate is good.
How is your date?
Master fitness instructor.
Dance movement therapist.
- Wanderlust.
- Wow!
A vegan! I f♪♪king hate her.
- Should we leave?
- No.
Vyji and I will go home.
Sex will be s♪♪t.
After that,
she won't respond to my text.
Then she'll feel guilty.
She'll feel like she should've
put in a little more effort.
You should also try it out.
I won't have sex with
that bottle of Oldspice.
Actually, we
He's my brother, Akhil.
Yo, bro!
Brother!
Does he work here?
No. I've come on a date.
Actually,
we live together in Jayanagar.
After her separation.
Oh!
So,
you both go on dates together.
And then walk away and
bitch about your dates.
No.
Oh! Sorry,
I didn't want to interrupt.
Is he your date?
Yes.
They are siblings. They
were bitching about us.
One second. Did
you match on Kechup?
I'm sure he rigged
the algorithm.
Most likely,
you two have very low compatibility.
Kechup is his company.
Such lies!
You're sick!
It's terrible! I didn't know
such people existed!
Dude.
Online dating is
just one big lie.
Upload your best pics online
and to make yourself
sound more interesting,
make up fake 'cool' statements.
Listen. I checked your profiles.
And the amount of
lies in them is insane!
So, just relax on the judging,
bro.
- Beer?
- Right now, I'll have anything.
See! You lied about
being a teetotaller too.
F♪♪k you!
Grow up!
Chinese?
Right now, I'll take anything.
- Come on.
- Let's go.
Sis,
do you think because of Gayatri and dad,
we don't stand a chance at a
normal relationship in this lifetime?
Gayatri and dad gave us
such a traumatic experience!
I mean,
our parents' presence and absence
Both screwed us equally.
Mom's boardroom and
dad's' spiritual sermons
And now, thankfully,
they are out of reach.
At sea. On a cruise!
You know what?
Sometimes, I think
families, love,
and relationships are rubbish.
I mean, my codes are clearer.
You get exactly what you put in.
And at least,
you can reprogram these codes.
How the f♪♪k do you
reprogram childhood scars?
I don't know, Akku.
I want to tell you
that love really exists.
But this first date
proved to be a disaster.
You know, for the last four and a
half months, I have been thinking
of dating online
to prove to Dhruv
that I can also do all this.
Oh, sis!
Should I set up another
date for you tomorrow?
No. Please. I can't do all this.
I don't even know what I
want. Dhruv or a divorce.
I just want to stop this not knowing,
Akku.
Never say never.
Is yours spicier?
- So good, right?
- That's good.
Shanaya!
Fake boobs.
Needy! Aww! Loves
smoothies and shawarma.
Hello, soul mate!
Hey Vasu,
have you stored any water?
Dhruv! Just a minute.
Vasu.
Hey! Sorry to keep you waiting.
Before the tax filing,
ma'am wants
to remove her name
from the joint account.
You sent me those
10 text messages
saying that you wanted your
finances to be kept separate from his.
Let's discuss that today.
Insurance premiums,
card-linked mobile bills
She wants that money to
be debited from her account.
What is the need to do this?
I seriously don't
understand. Why?
Why would you understand?
Had that been the case,
we wouldn't have been here today.
Anyway Through this tax filing,
I want everything to be separated.
Okay. Ma'am,
here's your account balance.
Okay. So, what I want is
I want the joint
account to be closed.
And the expenses of mine
which get debited from his account
should be transferred
to my account ASAP.
Vasu, all that is fine.
But our monthly joint expenses,
including Kay's pocket money,
your cab and food bills
It's on my tab. I'm
taking care of them.
Here you go.
I deleted all the apps.
So, you don't have to
bother about that anymore.
I don't need this provider
status of yours. Okay, Dhruv?
I'm working now.
So,
please get our accounts delinked.
Why are you being stubborn?
We're trying to work things out.
If things normalise tomorrow,
we'll have to link all
the accounts again.
Why are you being so difficult?
Oh, really?
I'm sorry. I'm being difficult!
And what you did with
your assistant in our bed
That was easy, right?
Excuse me. I'll just form
I have to courier some forms.
I've apologised
many times for that.
I've begged and pleaded.
What more do you expect?
What should I do?
You rarely meet me.
And when I got to see you,
it was in the CA's office! Come on!
Where do you want to meet me?
In the same bed
you cheated on me!
You've made our lives a cliché!
Is this not a cliché, Vasu?
Had you not made excuses
every time I tried to have sex,
I wouldn't have
turned to an outsider.
Wow! So, even this is my fault.
You know what, Dhruv? You
aren't the only one who missed sex.
But you're the one
who refused every time.
You won't admit
that you're frigid.
You don't have to
have sex with me.
You don't want to work
on fixing your frigidity.
You know,
that's why you're still single. Yes!
You know what? F♪♪k you, Dhruv!
Actually,
no. I'll f♪♪k anyone but you.
Vasu, I'm sorry. Vasu!
I'm sorry!
I made a mistake.
I'm speechless.
Wait, Auto.
Akku,
which bar do you go to every Saturday?
Okay. Bye.
I want to go to Koramangala.
Hi.
Hi.
Rinzing.
Vasu Vasu.
Nice to meet you.
Okay. So, the thing is
Sorry?
One minute.
- Yes! Excuse me.
- Yes?
- Bill, please. Hers too.
- Sure.
- No. I'll pay my bill.
- Okay, ma'am.
It's okay.
Oh! I'm sorry.
- Are you okay?
- Yes.
- Okay. I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Sorry
- No
- I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
It's fine. It's fine.
- Yeah?
- Yes.
Sure?
Yeah.
'All of it is in your hands.'
'Before your first sexual contact,
'
'tell yourself, 'Hey, sexy!'
Ow!
- Ow!
- F♪♪k! Ow!
So nice!
Sorry.
- It's okay.
- I just heard something outside.
Our neighbour has a cat.
It keeps howling.
But the window is on this side.
How did you hear
a sound over there?
- Are you okay?
- Yes.
- Is it your eye?
- I'm okay.
- I'm sorry.
- You're fine, right?
Yes.
You're just being very
I guess
Should we try again?
I think I need a
little more time.
Morning!
- I was just leaving.
- Why, man?
It's Sunday today.
My aura reading skills
are at their peak today.
So, let me read yours. Come.
Okay.
Don't be awkward,
dude. I'm her brother.
Okay.
I'm sensing you.
You
You like music.
Yes!
Actually, I'm a music composer.
Even your name has music in it.
'Rinzing!'
- I'm Akhil.
- Akhil! Nice to meet you.
Have some puffed
bread and curry potato.
Okay.
Since we're all friends now,
I feel I should level with you.
Oh!
I found this outside
Vasu's room last night.
It must have You're smart.
Have it.
Hey, sis!
- Hi.
- Hi!
Morning, sunshine!
She does that when she
doesn't know what to do.
Rinzing, eat, man!
The 'puffed bread'
will get upset.
Just like Vasu.
- Puffed bread and curry potato!
- Yes. It's so good.
Her daughter, Kay.