Hit the Road (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

1 (Upbeat music plays) Yeah, we're a family band Related, we state it, we're so orchestrated We made it as a family band Yeah, we're a family band God bless America's family band (Scattered cheers and applause) MAN: Those are ridiculous outfits! Thank you! We are Swallow, America's finest family band.
(Chanting): Swall-ow! - Not happenin', Ken.
- I can get it going, baby.
- (Chanting continues) - No, you can't.
And up next, our headliner, Duncan Freedom and the Revolutionaries.
(Cheers and applause) CROWD (chanting): We want Duncan! Eat dolphin-safe tuna! Oh.
- (Sighs) - Oh, my God, Casey, Cut the hippie environmental shit.
Why? We have a good public platform.
I'm using it as a force for good.
You're using it as a platform to steal the spotlight.
No one cares about your bullshit cause of the week, even those fucktards at Duncan Freedom's matinee.
Okay, Ria America's finest family band.
We're still in public.
Let's keep it wholesome, okay? Quit being such a bitch to your sister.
Yeah.
Hey, how about a little "Woot-woot" for a great show? Swallow family, woot it up! Woot-woot-woot-woot-woot! - Everybody! - Woot-woot.
You sounded great, Jermaine.
Oh, no My inhaler is out.
Oh, here bro.
Try some of my It's the same as your stuff.
Hey! No, it's not! - It's all chemicals, Jermaine.
- What? Alex, you have your meds, Jermaine has his.
Don't monkey around with drugs.
- It could be dangerous.
- (Coughs) - Hey! - Are you kidding me? You almost hit your sister! You want to pay for her braces? I'll take it out of your check.
Where's our van? - (Scoffs) - (Siren wails in distance) Someone stole it! My backup inhaler was in there.
We are so screwed.
How we gonna get to the motel? Um, well, I think I might see a bus with our name on it! Ken, what did you do? Stepped it way up! This tour just got real.
I had to move all our stuff onto the bus while were performing.
It's amazing, right? Come on.
Check out the side.
Did you write the "my dick" part, too? No, of course not.
Jesus Christ.
It's only been out here an hour.
All right.
I'm gonna paint over it.
No biggie.
Come on.
Check out the new digs! Come on, come on, come on! - Casey, don't look at "my dick.
" - Ew! (Door opens) So, can we afford this, Ken? Don't worry.
I crushed it making this deal.
This is the best deal ever.
Besides, we're gonna be on tour for months.
We're part of the Duncan Freedom machine.
Mm, let's go in in style.
It's gonna be fine.
Mwah! Come on.
Come on.
Hoo-hoo! All right, Swallows! What do we think? Are you fucking kidding me? There's zero privacy.
It's like sleeping in a coffin.
Does anybody else smell mildew? Oh, I'm allergic to mildew.
Oh, and the bathroom is way too small to take a crap.
That's a very good point.
- (Snaps fingers) - All right, there's no number two on the bus.
Okay, that's a time-honored rock-'n'-roll tradition.
Oh, lots of cool little places for putting stuff.
- My man! - Yeah.
I think it's cozy.
Oh! Did you see that, honey? The kids love it! Want to see our bedroom? Oh, we have a bedroom.
How fancy.
(Clattering) Mm.
Remind you of our first apartment? I don't recall the apartment having quite this - ambiance.
- Right? Try out the bed.
Okay.
Ohh! It's a little hard.
- Yeah.
It's memory foam.
- (Groans) We just just have to make some memories.
Welcome home, Meg Swallow.
Mm - (Alarm blaring) - MAN: Good morning, Akron, Ohio.
It's gonna be a beautiful day out there today.
(Blaring stops) - Mm.
Ken? - Uh-huh? You're crushing me.
(Groans) I must have parked on an incline.
- (Groaning) - Ohh! Ahh! Now your knee's in my vagina.
I'm sorry.
I don't know where I am.
(Sighs) What is that smell? Oh, Jesus.
ALEX: Oh, I farted.
Sorry.
(Groans) Is Alex in the room? No, I'm in the bunk by your door.
JERMAINE: And in the bunk above me.
Alex, are you sure you didn't crap? No number twos in the bus, dude.
Well, at least we know everyone is on the bus Uh-huh.
CASEY: Not Ria! (Chuckles) You got to give it to Ria She's up and out and working it.
So when can we talk about me joining your band? If you keep doing what you're doing probably in about 30 seconds.
- Oh, good.
- (Moaning) Well, not if you keep doing much more of that shit.
It'll make you impotent.
(Snorts) Oh, yeah? Let's see about that.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
(Both panting, moaning) Aah! Okay.
So, when are you gonna speak to your manager about me Warren whatever-his-name is? Okay, you have to get me off that bus with my family, or I'll go fucking insane.
(Sighs) Hello? (Scoffs) Hey, asshole.
(Gasps) Oh, shit.
Oh shit, oh shit, shit! - Jermaine, hurry up! - Don't rush him! - He has a shy bladder.
- (Sighs) (Squeals) What are you doing?! Boundaries.
- What's with the nosebleeds? - (Urine trickles) - I-I get them from stress! - What's so stressful? - Just chill.
- Well, for one thing, being barged in on while I'm in the bathroom.
- Where's Alex? - He's in the bathroom with Jermaine.
(Sighs) Okay.
- Oh, my God.
- Ew! - Oh, my God! - Duncan's dead.
- What? - What? Guys, please! He just died underneath me from that crap you sold him.
Shit.
Did he give you any money? He owes me, like, $300.
Forget about the money, Alex.
He's dead from your drugs.
Maybe maybe you fucked him to death.
- That is not even a thing.
- It's definitely a thing.
When the female praying mantis mates with the male praying mantis, the female praying mantis - bites its head - Shut up, Casey! What the hell are you doing? Um, we're just helping, um, Jermaine - with his nosebleed.
- Yeah.
All right.
Well, hurry up.
We got a radio interview in half an hour.
Uh, remember to wear the outfits.
It's radio.
Why do we need to wear the outfits? Because, Ria, when we're in the outfits, we're Swallow.
When we're out of the outfits, we're nobody.
- Aren't we still Swallow? - Put on the fucking outfits.
Duncan Freedom is in town, folks, and I'm sitting here with his opening act, the family band Swallow, led by their father, Ken S Ken Swallow? Yes, that is my cross to bear, Dave.
(Laughter) All right.
So, you call yourselves America's finest family band, and I'm guessing that's some good tunes mixed with good, old family values.
Yes, that's what we're selling.
Offering That's what we're offering.
So, how did you guys get started as a band? Well, uh, Meg and I were actually a a duo back in the '80s.
- You may know us as "KENGIE.
" - Right.
It's kind of a clever blend of Ken and Margie.
They used to get booked a lot by people thinking they were Kenny G.
We we had a couple of hits of our own, too.
Really? Like what? - Oh, well - Come on! "So Do Me, Do"? - I can't say I remember that one.
- Oh! Don't wanna be alone tonight So do me, do Do me, do The only one who only does it right - Baby, it's you - Okay.
- Okay, sw - So do me, do - Sounds good.
Yeah.
- (Chuckles) That was, uh That was kind of an homage to the, um to the hair-styling industry.
And then, uh, we toured for a couple of years, and, uh, we had our kids, and we decided to settle down.
In King of Prussia, Pennsylvania.
(Laughs) T-The simple life.
Yep, but when we realized that the kids shared our passion for the music, we knew we had to follow our dream to become the next great family band.
Jermaine, I'm guessing you weren't always part of the Swallow family.
Oh! He's black, for the listeners.
JERMAINE: (Chuckles) Yeah.
I was adopted two years ago, when I was 13.
- Man, you're only 15? Wow.
- (Laughing) You're already taller than your dad here.
(Laughs) That is not a high bar.
And we don't know much about Jermaine's birth parents, but what we do know is that he came from very good stock who just could not give him the life he deserved.
Or he could've been the product of incest rape.
We don't know.
He is not the product of incest rape! What are you talking about? I-I'm just saying that anything is possible.
- Guys, guys, guys.
- Stop! (Laughs) The important thing is that he landed in our family, you know? We we gave him a really stable, good home.
Yeah, and bonus for us, because he plays a ripping lead guitar.
Well, it sounds like you're a very blessed young man.
There are no words.
(Meg chuckles) Anyway, we started gigging, we met Duncan Freedom, and, uh and he invited us to join the tour.
Uh, actually, he asked me to join the tour, but then Dad insists that the whole family had to come along, so he kind of jumped on my bandwagon.
- (Laughs) - That's not exactly how it happened.
- Yes, it is.
- Yeah, it is.
And the importing thing for fans to remember is that we're gonna be touring most of this year.
We're gonna land in a town near you.
- Check us out, right, kids? - Yeah, yeah.
(All shouting) Whoo-hoo! Swallows.
(Indistinct chatter, laughter) Oh, no.
Folks, I have had some truly awful news come through about Duncan Freedom.
Oh, my God.
How did he die? A-A-Assuming that he did.
(Stammering) He was old.
Well, I'm afraid you're right.
Duncan Freedom is dead.
- Wha - What? Early reports have it as a possible heart attack - due to overexertion - Shit.
or, shockingly, police are reporting evidence of a drug overdose.
- Damn! - Kids, language, please.
Further, the remainder of the tour has been canceled.
- (Gasps) - Motherfucker! Oh, that cocksucking son of a bitch! Cocksucking bastard! Clearly, an emotional situation.
Let's take a break.
You have a little nosebleed there, son.
(Chuckles) Oh, you dead son of a bitch.
We are so screwed.
What? No, no, no, no, no.
Come on.
I can work this out.
Just give me a minute.
No, we bought a bus.
We don't have a tour.
No.
The bus is good.
The bus is gonna be fine.
We just have to We just have to keep moving forward.
Yeah, but w-we don't have a tour! I know, I know, I know.
Well, what's the alternative? What do you want to do? Go home? Remember why we left? This was our chance to be something as a family.
You want to go back to being a PTA mom and me selling used cars in King of Prussia? Oh, fuck that.
Fuck the fuck out of that.
I am not going back to those judgey scrap-booking bitches.
But we don't have a tour.
We were riding Duncan's coattails.
(Breathes heavily) - Maybe we keep on riding.
- Huh? You know, I'll go to normal high school with real teachers in actual classrooms.
(Door slams) Uh, this is not a time for, uh, selfish pursuits, Jermaine.
This is a time for, uh community and healing.
And that is why Swallow will perform a Duncan Freedom Tribute Memorial Concert at the Vogue Theater at 8:30 tonight, where we will celebrate the life and the work of this great, great artist at this terribly tragic time.
Parking validation available.
(Microphone thuds) (Indistinct chatter) RIA: This is gonna be a disaster.
No, no, no, this is gonna be a major media event, and when the world sees us up there tonight headlining, leading the charge for American family values, we're gonna be getting bookings out the asshole greatest day ever! So sorry for your loss.
They seem really pissed.
I'm gonna go take care of that.
I'm gonna go to the box office and make that arrangement.
(Siren wailing in distance) CASEY: That's so sad.
I know.
His wallet could be in there.
Don't you dare.
Alex! A Are you crazy? Excuse me, sir.
We open for his band.
Do you think we could have a moment with him alone? (Bag unzips) Thanks.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, no, no.
Wow, Ria.
You had sex with Voldemort.
Okay, well, he looked better when he wasn't dead! - Whoa What are - What are you doing?! You are disgusting! He owes me $300, $100 of which I owe you.
(Growls) Okay, make it quick! Oh, shit! He's naked! Man, did you just wipe dead-guy dick on me? Is everything okay here? A-Absolutely.
We were just paying our last respects.
I understand, but when you're done here, I need to come by your bus and ask you some questions.
Totally.
We have nothing to hide.
- ALEX: We have so much to hide! - You hid all of this overnight? Is this really how you want to live your life? It's worked so far.
- Uh, go check under the mattresses.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Something's wrong with us.
Oh, no.
Wait, what's this? (Inhaler hisses) Oh, what's this? Hey, give me those? Hawthorne Prep? The Marshall School? These are boarding schools.
I'm just seeing what's out there.
These are applications.
Look, I-I just wanted to hold it in my hands.
Guys, come on.
We need to focus.
What is happening with my life? I can't process this right now.
- (Knock on door) - It's Detective Lawson.
Uh, hold up! Oh, my gosh.
- (Panting) - I'm gonna go to jail! (Toilet flushes) This can't be happening.
Oh, fuck.
How is this gonna look on my record? What?! Man, are you out your mind? I can't stash them in my pants.
They're already full.
I don't care.
P-Put it up your ass! - Hello? - They're not gonna search you.
Are you crazy? I'm black! Promise me you won't apply for boarding school! - What? - (Knock on door) LAWSON: Hello? Promise me, or I'll rat out this whole operation.
Shit, Jermaine, just promise her.
- (Door opens) - Okay, fine, fine.
- I-I promise.
- 'Kay.
(Sobbing) Please don't tase me! (Indistinct talking) Hey.
So couldn't help but notice at the radio station, you didn't seem all that surprised to find out Duncan was dead.
Are you okay? I'm gonna give you some motherly advice.
Sometimes, young girls sleep with older men to further their careers.
It doesn't work.
I mean sure it works, and it is fun sometimes.
'Cause those guys don't even mind a crazy bush.
I don't have a bush.
But the point is, you don't have to do that.
You've got qualities most other girls don't have.
You mean kindness? (Laughing) That's (normal voice) right.
Ria, kindness that just oozes out of you.
But also charisma, beauty, talent.
What'd he promise you? He said I could join their band.
That leathery piece of shit.
He tried to poach you? He's lucky he's dead.
No, Mom, he did not try and poach me.
It was me who wanted to leave the band.
That's a kick in the bean bag.
Mom, we're lame.
I'm 18.
I want freedom.
And and you want me to live with my annoying family on a shitty bus.
There's that kindness oozing out of you.
I have my creative vision, and Dad won't let it come through.
Well, we all have artistic differences with your father, and it is hard for everybody on that bus.
But do you know what that bus has that other buses don't? A family that loves you and that will always look out for you, even though you scare the shit out of everybody.
- Not all the time.
- That's true.
Sometimes you're asleep.
And your dad is gonna make it happen for us.
(Groaning) Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
You know, he may be small in stature, but he's as strong as You know what? Good talk.
You got the point.
(Footsteps depart) Think, think, think.
- Hon? - Yeah? Mm-hmm? - You okay? - Yeah, I'm good.
I'm good, I'm good.
(Sniffs) Yeah.
You know, a little bit of a minor wrinkle.
You know, a couple cancellations no biggie.
Oh, how many cancellations? - Hmm? - How many? 800? In a 900-seat venue? Jesus, Ken, that's not a wrinkle.
- That's a crater.
- (Laughs) Don't panic.
Why do you always go to panic? Don't panic.
I got this.
Honey (clears throat) everybody in this town listens to that radio station, so I'm gonna go back down there and I'm gonna get DJ Dave to give us a ton of free publicity.
Why would he give us free publicity? 'Cause he's a lovely and sensitive guy.
Because I'm gonna take Jermaine.
You're not using our son to play the sympathy card.
What kind of a person do you think I am? I'm not gonna use him to play the sympathy card.
I'm gonna use him to play the race card.
Oh.
Yuck! That's gross! I can't believe that cop left after two questions, and I flushed $2,000 of my stash down the toilet for nothing.
JERMAINE: Well, you can thank Casey for that.
She started talking about dolphin-safe tuna and the guy couldn't run fast enough.
I save dolphins, dolphins save us.
Jermaine! Hey, buddy.
Listen, I got to go down to the radio station, do a little business transaction.
Why don't you come with me see how real business is done, right? - Tell Mom to count it as school.
- Is this a real question? Or am I gonna have to go no matter what? It's pretty much that.
But it'll be fun! Oh, go on, Jermaine You seem very interested in "expanding your education.
" - What the hell does that mean? - Okay, yep.
I'll come.
- Let's go.
- (Water sloshing) Alex, no number two on the bus.
So, you want free promotion because your son's black? Oh, no, no, no.
No, absolutely not.
I'm not here to play the race card.
I wouldn't do that.
Excuse me.
(Sighs) He's really sick.
Yeah, that's why nobody adopted him until we came along.
He he was pretty much an Untouchable.
Why? What's wrong with him? AIDS.
He's He's got AIDS.
- Really? - W-What? Yeah.
He was he was an AIDS baby.
Yeah, we, uh We try to keep the harsh truth of it from him.
You know, make whatever time he has left a little bit brighter, but (sighs) it just costs a fortune.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Hmm.
Well, any pro bono promotion has to be cleared by Carl.
He runs sales.
But I got to warn you Carl's a weird dude.
(Chuckling) I toured in the '80s, man.
I-I've seen it all.
If you say so.
- Do I have AIDS? - What? Oh, no, no, no.
No, I just had to say that for business purposes.
But I mean H-How do you know? Have I been tested? Yeah, I think they test everybody these days.
Oh, oh! So you think so, but you don't know for sure? I'm sure.
Well I mean, what about other diseases? Zika? Look, would you relax? You're fine.
You don't have anything we don't already know about.
Can I tell you something my father used to say to me? You're starting to annoy the shit out of me.
(Music plays in distance) Ria, right? I'm Warren from Duncan Freedom's management team.
Okay, stop talking right there because I know how this goes.
If I sleep with you, you'll help my career, and maybe a few hours ago, I probably would've done that.
I mean, I have certainly boned worse.
(Inhales sharply) But things have changed.
I don't bone guys for my career anymore, and that's that.
Actually, I was just hoping you'd tell me where the venue office is.
Oh.
Yeah.
You, uh (Clears throat) You enter the theater, and it is the third door on the left.
Thanks.
Yeah.
(Quietly) Shit.
JACK: Ken So, Carl's agreed to help you out.
(Sighs) But he wants something in return.
Anything anything he wants.
Uh, perhaps you should hear what it is.
L-Let me talk to you for a second.
So he wants you to give him a hand-job.
Um (Chuckles) I'm confused.
He he wants me to give him a hand with a job? No, no.
No.
Carl wants you to give him a hand-job.
He wants you to jerk him off.
Are you crazy? Are you sick? That's how you conduct business at this establishment, with hand-jobs? No, the way we normally conduct business is by people paying for what they ask for.
Look, I know it's sick, and personally, I'd tell you to walk, but you got to sell 800 seats in a few hours, so unless you have another way You'll be in the bathroom down the hall.
Hey, buddy.
Um So, Daddy has to, uh use the men's room for a little while, and, uh I think what I'm gonna do in there is gonna be kind of foul.
So I think it might be best if you just stay here and and make sure no one comes in.
Are you sick? Mm-hmm.
All right, you listen to me, you twisted bastard.
I don't want any interaction, no eye contact, no talking.
We are gonna do this, and then it's never gonna be spoken of again.
(Pants unzip, man groans) Oh.
(Sighs) I need to get rid of this.
(Moans) (Moaning continues) (Sighs) (Sighs) Oh.
Hey, buddy.
Why don't we, um take a minute and talk about what you think you saw.
Please don't.
Ken.
So, Carl's on his way over.
He was just caught up on a call.
What are you talking about? I just saw Carl.
It's been taken care of.
No, I was just with him.
Here he is now.
(Groans) (Door closes) (Sighs heavily) (Breathing shakily) Kenny! I'm hearing the promos all over the radio, and the box-office manager said we're almost sold out.
(Laughs) You did it, baby.
What's wrong? I've done terrible things, Meg.
What? What happened down there? Oh, no! No, no, no! No, I can't tell you, because you're gonna hate me.
Of course I won't hate you.
Really? How do you not hate a guy who jerks off a stranger in a men's room? You Are you gay, honey? No, I'm not gay.
Why would you even ask me that? I did it for the free promotion.
What, you think I wanted to jerk those guys off? "Guys"? Plural? How many guys, Ken? - Two! Just two! - Okay.
And the first one was an accident.
You jerked off someone by accident? And it was horrible! And it took forever, yanking and tugging and pulling.
Those sons of bitches were holding out on me.
Well, did you do the thing with the tickling of the balls? Yes, I did the tickling of the balls.
- What, am I an idiot? - Okay, okay.
Calm down.
So, you You jerked off a couple of dudes.
I mean, we've all done things for the sake of the family.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've jerked off people? (Sighs) How do you think we got all that airplay for "So Do Me, Do"? I thought they liked the song.
It's a good song.
Oh, Kenny Maybe we shouldn't be doing this.
I mean, I want this as much as you do, babe, but I think we crossed a line.
Maybe we should go home.
There is no home.
What, baby? I sold I sold the house to pay for the bus.
Why did you have to sell the house? I thought you got "such a great deal.
" I didn't I didn't get a great deal.
I got a shitty deal.
I got the worst fucking deal.
I didn't realize it until I had already signed.
What the fuck is wrong with you?! Well, we needed the bus! And And w-we needed costumes a-and amps! And you wanted that Roland keyboard with with with the bend-pitch and the tremolo effects! Screw the tremolo effects! You sold our house for tremolo effects?! All right! I-I lost my mind! Okay? I flew too close to the sun, and now the whole fucking world is on fire Shut the fuck up.
Here's what's gonna happen.
First, we cannot let the kids hear about any of this.
They'll just turn on us.
Second, if we've to lie, we lie.
We have cheat, we cheat.
We got to jerk off a couple of random dudes, so be it.
But we will make this damn thing work, and we will become America's finest fucking family band.
I love you so much Jesus Christ.
Are you out of your mind? Way too soon.
Yeah, too soon.
I feel that now.
I didn't feel it a minute ago.
I-I get it now.
ALL: Go Swallows! - Yeah! - Whoo! Hey, Swallows.
So, listen, I've been thinking.
It makes a lot more sense to have the Revolutionaries carry the torch for Duncan tonight.
I've talked to the theatre owner, and he's agreed that's gonna happen.
- No! This is our gig! - There's a torch?! - We're so much better.
- Wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Who's this theatre owner? I want to talk to him.
Well, his name is Jeff, he's right over there.
(Door closes) Kids, get your instruments.
Wait in the wings.
I will be there in three to five minutes.
- Let's do this! - Let's go! Come on! Six tops.
- (Upbeat music starts) - Hey, Jeff.
- You'll never go far - You'll never, you'll never - Out on your own - On your own But wherever you are You're never alone I'm so proud of you guys! All right, come on.
Let's turn in.
We got a big day tomorrow.
I want to get a lot of rehearsal hours, right? Come on we got to tighten up the act, 'cause we are headliners now.
Can we just be real? I mean, it's great that you pulled this off, but we don't have a tour anymore.
No-one is repping us.
It's over.
We kinda think it's time to go home.
Right? Well What do you mean we don't have a tour? Of course we have a tour! - Dad, what? - And a manager! - We do? - You think I would procure something like this if we didn't have a manager? Well, who is he? Cushman.
Robert Cushman.
Oh my God we have a manager? - We sure do! - Cool! - Where's our next gig? - Paris.
- Oh! - What?! - Oh my God! - Ahhh Paris! Idaho.
Idaho Oh, come on you guys, you gotta trust me! I told you, I'm gonna make all of our dreams come true.
All right, come on.
Seriously.
Let's get to bed.
Let's go A lot of work tomorrow.
Let's go.
Move it out.
Let's go, let's go.
Early bird gets the worm, and the name of this early bird is "Swallow.
" (Whispering) You said if we lie, we lie.
- If we cheat, we cheat.
- Within reason.
(Hushed) This is fucking insane.
If the kids find out, we're dead! Yeah, I know, I know.
What are we gonna do when we get to Idaho? We're not going to Idaho.
Don't worry.
I'll I'll think of something.
Come on.
Did you wipe "my dick" off the bus? Yes, and I busted my ass doing it.
- JERMAINE: Dad! - Sorry! No number two on the bus.
MEG: Oh, God.
(Groans) (Softly) Swallow.