Hitmen (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

1 (MAN SCREAMING) OK! - Look, stop struggling.
- We've got you, come on.
- What were you thinking? - I do not know! OK? I panicked.
People do weird things when they've got a gun in their face.
Ssh! Keep your voice down.
Help! They're trying to kill me! I don't think I can hold him for much longer.
- Help! - Look, Nick, we're just trying to do our job.
Why don't we pull you up, and then we'll kill you in a civilised manner? - Somebody please! - Oh, God! If we let go of you, you're gonna die anyway.
All right.
OK.
You win.
But I will need a head-start when we get up there.
- All right, five seconds.
- Ten? Oh, God! Er All right, ten seconds.
- Jamie, time it.
- Great.
Jamie, Jamie, no! (PANICKING) Oh! Oh, shit! Shitting hell! (SCREAMS) (THUD) Do you still need me to I think that ship might've sailed, mate.
[ROYAL BLOOD: FIGURE IT OUT.]
and as you know, if I get less than six hours, God, I mean, the fluid, it just - Matey, for the last time - And I swell.
you haven't got eye bags.
They're pert little sacks.
Who wants pert little sacks hanging off their face? It's Joao, to be honest.
He can't get to sleep without the sound of the Amazon rainforest at full pelt.
Aw, man, that is not ideal.
When I agreed to marry him, I thought, "Ooh, look, there's a lovely gay man I met at Pride who wants a visa.
" I didn't think that six months later, I'd be kept awake by howler monkeys in heat.
Last thing you want on your special day.
No, to be honest, I didn't feel much like celebrating anyway.
- MAN: Happy birthday, by the way.
- Shut up in the back.
I've already bought everything for the big birthday dinner at mine tonight.
(SIGHS) And it was supposed to be a surprise, - but now, obviously, I've - That's so lovely.
That's sweet of you.
Who's coming? - Oh, all the best ones.
- Mm? - Er, we're talking you - Mm.
me - What, that's it, just us? - Yep.
- Just us? - And a takeaway? That's like every Friday night.
- That's not a surprise.
- Well, I called round, and everyone who picked up said they were busy.
- Even Joao.
- Jamie, I've told you, the Brazilians they're a quiet, reserved people.
You know, they don't have a big party culture out there.
You must have asked other people.
What about Patrick? Oh! Yeah, Patrick said yes.
- Oh, great.
- Then I told him it was your birthday dinner, and he suddenly remembered he had to go to his mum's funeral.
She died six years ago.
And they're only burying her now? No, Jamie, it's an excuse.
I can't believe that no-one else is coming.
Do you think it's something to do with what happened at your birthday last year? It was a mistake to go straight from that job to the karaoke club.
In my defence, I had no idea that place was lit with UV lighting, and if I had well, I would have changed my clothes after the hit.
I mean, how did they know it was blood? - Could've been urine.
- Or semen.
Can I just say, it definitively was not semen.
- But I had a whole day planned.
- Well, I'm sorry.
This muppet decided to wear a wire to Mr K's meeting, so now we've got to deal with him.
WHISPERING: We've already sat here for hours waiting for Mr K to call.
You don't want to waste your precious birthday, Fran, waiting to you know I can hear everything.
K-I-L-L him.
Yeah, and I can spell.
It's kind of a requirement of getting a law degree.
I didn't have any choice.
It was either wear a wire or do 25 years! Yeah, whatever, pal.
Mr K said we sit and we wait, and that's what we're gonna do.
So why don't we do the birthday here? - Because that would be super weird.
- Oh, go on.
Now the adrenaline's worn off, I'm actually pretty bored.
- Nobody asked you.
- Let's put this to the vote.
Those in favour of celebrating Fran's birthday within the van, raise your hand.
Well, if I could raise my hand, I would.
I love birthdays.
- Well, you don't get a vote.
- It's two to one.
We are celebrating! Whoo-hoo! [PLASTIC BERTRAND: ÇA PLANE POUR MOI.]
(TYRES SCREECH) (PHONE RINGING OUT) - MAN: Hello? - Oh, hi! Er, Keith? Yeah? - It's Fran.
- (PARTY HORN SQUEAKS) That was my good ear.
It's Fran.
- Oh, hey, Fran.
- It's my birthday today.
OK, and erm I was just having some people round tonight.
(HANGS UP) Keith? Keith? MALE SERVER: Next customer, please.
Hello.
Erm, how you doing, mate? Can I, er, have a birthday McFlurry for my best friend, please? Birthday isn't a flavour.
OK, two Smarties, please.
What do you want? - Don't ask him.
- Why not? We don't have to feed him, just take care of him until Mr K calls.
- After Eight, please.
- Do you do After Eight? No, that promotion ended months ago.
OK, they don't have After Eight.
- What? - Yeah, it was a promotion.
It's ended.
- Ask again.
- No, don't.
- Go - Are you sure about the After Eights? Listen, mate, you're not hearing me.
I can't make you an After Eight McFlurry if I literally don't have the After Eight stuff.
Could you try improvising? - I haven't got it! - Well, all right.
Keep your hair on.
I think we've had a definitive answer on the chocolate and the mint.
I love you dearly, it was quite close proximity.
- Sorry.
- Did you have lasagne? - I did, yeah.
- Wow, that's still very much in the mix.
[MITCH RYDER: DEVIL WITH THE BLUE DRESS.]
I can't believe you actually made him an After Eight McFlurry.
Well, we have to do something while we wait for Mr K's call.
SAT-NAV: You have arrived at your destination.
- Do you want some more? - Yeah.
- Can you taste After Eight? - (SLURPING) - Who's that? - I don't know.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Erm, are you Fran? Who's asking? The Human Spider.
- Right.
- Are you the stripper I ordered? Did you order a stripper? Erm, no, the Human Spider.
The agency said you needed me for a birthday party? Well, there must have been a mix-up.
I thought I'd ordered a stripper.
Oh, well, they do those as well, you know, strippers, gorilla-grams, magicians, freaks, whatever, - I just go where I'm told, really.
- Great, well, I'm telling you to just piss off.
Well, hang on, he's here.
- You love animals.
- Yeah, I do, I love animals.
I love cats and dogs and donkeys.
I'm just not that into grown men dressed as Spider-Man.
No, not Spider-Man.
Every time! The Human Spider, there's a big difference, pal.
- Do you wanna pop round? - Yeah, sure.
Jamie, what ? Right.
(GROANS) - Get out.
- OK.
OK.
Have you got someone from the agency already? - I'm not from the agency.
- Sorry.
Your agency has a guy with a bag over his head? Who orders him? Finally! Somebody said I agree He makes, like, ten times more than me, as well.
I just can't understand it.
So who's this guy? I'm er Er, I'm an old friend.
But I don't get to see these guys very often because I'm always tied up in court.
In fact, I should be there now.
And when my clients realise that I'm not coming, they're gonna kill me.
(CHUCKLES) They're gonna kill me, mate! I didn't ask for your life story, mate.
Right, er, let's get started.
Where do you want me? - What do you do? - Oh! I'm a writer.
But you know, just sending stuff out, trying to remain positive.
She meant as the man-spider.
Oh.
Right, sorry.
(CHUCKLES) Right, well, it in that case (CLEARS THROAT) Erm forget everything you think you know about the Human Spider and set your minds to "blown".
Sorry.
Hang on.
(STEREO) [JIMMY SOMERVILLE: YOU MAKE ME FEEL (MIGHTY REAL).]
close to mine and I know my love It's about that time, makes me feel Mighty real Makes me feel Might real You make me feel Mighty real You make me feel Mighty real - Well you've got me - (STEREO OFF) - I didn't expect to be moved but - Whoo! Oh! I didn't I didn't think I was gonna have it in me today but when that bass kicks in, man! I feel like I can do anything.
You could've sung Happy Birthday, but that was powerful.
Bit rude.
Not to clap.
- You could at least - Firstly, I can't see anything, and secondly, I can't clap, my hands are tied! Sorry, what is going on? Is that all part of the act, do you think? Erm, can we let him go? - (GUNSHOT) - (YELPS) That's a no, then.
(PHONE RINGING OUT) [EELS: NOVOCAINE FOR THE SOUL.]
WOMAN: Hello? Hello? Kirsty, it's Fran.
Oh.
Right.
- Hey.
You came up as a private number.
- Yeah.
Erm listen, I wondered if you wanted to come to my birthday tonight.
Tonight? Erm er, I'm not sure.
Listen, Kirsty, if it's about last year's karaoke, then I'm sorry, we didn't realise there'd be UV lighting, - and it looked like blood, but it wasn't - Sorry, Fran.
or urine.
Erm And it definitely wasn't semen.
- Can I call you back? - (SPLASH) I'm about to go through a tunnel.
- But this is your home number.
- (HANGS UP) H hello? Kirsty a no, then? Oh, no, she's gonna phone me back.
I think it's likely she Yeah.
Any news from Mr K? No.
Oh.
- (CAR STEREO) [MOP: ANTE UP.]
- Oh, shit.
Look who's here.
(STEREO OFF) Oh my God! You fancy her.
Oh, God, no, I don't.
No! God, not remotely.
Not my type.
I don't go for that obviously hot thing.
[THE JON SPENCER BLUES EXPLOSION: BELLBOTTOMS.]
- Fran.
- Liz.
- Jamie.
- Jamie.
Sorry, that's my name.
Charles.
Nice hair.
- What have you done to it? - I washed it.
You should try it sometime.
What are you idiots doing here? - This is our canal.
- Oh, YOUR canal? Who do think you are WHISPERING: God, someone who owns a canal.
- Oh, Ratty from Wind In The Willows.
- That's a river.
- Why are you helping her? - Sorry.
- Don't apologise.
It's weak.
- Sorry Ah, I've done it again.
Excuse me? Any chance of loosening this bag? Or maybe a bigger bag? - I mean, not silly big, obviously - Get back in the van! Who the fuck is that? Nobody, Liz.
Just a target, we're all over it.
- What's with his party hat? - It's Fran's birthday.
Oh, many happy returns.
Ooh, are you guys free tonight? We're having a birthday dinner.
- They won't be - Definitely.
We'd love to.
- Really? - No.
Good.
I'm glad you said that, 'cos we were joking anyway - and - Oh, really? 'Cos I was just messing with you.
Of course I wanna come.
Really? Nope.
Ha! (THEY CACKLE) If the offer is still on the table, I would love to come.
- I'm on antibiotics, so I can't drink - Shut up, Charles! Anyway, we gotta bounce.
Mr K's put us straight on another job.
Big money.
(GRUNTS) You wouldn't be a darling and dump this - in the canal for us, would you? - Of course.
Enjoy your dinner.
Sounds like it's gonna be great (!) You're actually missing out, cos we're gonna have Not that it's just us.
There's lots of people.
We're gonna have an amazing night.
- Amazing night.
- Round at mine.
- Yep.
- Oh, sorry, Fran, - I can't hear you! - (ENGINE STARTS) - (STEREO ON) - What? You gotta talk louder! I'm gonna have a really good birthday! I'll put Charles down as a maybe.
OK! CAPTIVE: Do you guys know any party games? Oh, film.
OK Erm, Die Hard? Die Hard 2? Aladdin? Oh, I don't know.
I've been guessing for half an hour and I haven't got What's this? - If I could see - We're not taking that bag off.
- Why? - Because he'll see our faces.
What if Mr K decides to let him go? You invited me to your party.
Let me join in.
- I didn't invite you to anything.
- Hang on.
I've got an idea.
(HUMMING A TUNE) Right er OK.
Just one minute.
There.
Oh, Jamie! No, listen, I didn't take the bag off.
- I just cut some eyeholes so that he could - See.
See us.
Well, it's done now.
Right, I can see now why you're a bit annoyed.
Hello.
Oh, FYI, guys? I was doing Pinocchio.
Ah, why did you tell us? I was gonna guess.
What do you mean that's Pinocchio? Why didn't you just do that? - What's that? - That's Pinocchio's nose growing.
It's sort of That's standard how to Pinocchio! I think I saw a different version.
Can I do one? Go on, knock yourself out.
- Riverdance.
- Yes! Mm.
You see? He can do it and he's got his hands tied behind his back.
- That's because he's extremely good at it.
- Yeah.
Thanks, Jamie.
- You're having fun, though? - No.
I am.
Is Mr K ever going to call? (EXHALES) Do you wanna open your present? Maybe later, you know, just Oh, go on, open it.
(CHUCKLES) Look.
There we are.
God.
Can you believe how long we've known each other? I won't lie.
Sometimes it feels like a lot longer.
And who are these peo ? - Who are these people? - Oh, yeah, I could only find one photo of us that fit, so I kept the stock one so it wouldn't look weird.
I tell you what, that looks like Kylie Barn.
The girl that used to fiddle with herself in RE? BOTH: Captain Birdseye.
Yeah.
Do you know she's got a dental practice now? She set it up with her husband.
Ooh, I wouldn't want those fingers near my mouth, - I tell you.
- No.
Don't know why I'm laughing at her.
At least she's got a life.
What have I got? A sham marriage, a knackered van, and RSI in my trigger Look at that.
I know what you mean, Fran.
I think if I had my life again, I'd make different decisions.
Stop using my skills to help terrible people get away with murder, sometimes literally.
I've wasted so much time mixing with the wrong people for the wrong reasons.
I hear you.
We were friends with this boy at school, you know, bad boy, you know the type.
He used to make us smoke with him and play pranks on all the teachers.
Anyway, one day, he was trapped in the kiln and was baked to death.
They had to close down the art department.
Really ruined it for the rest of us.
Yeah, that wasn't really what I meant.
I guess I'm just saying that nobody's life works out as they planned.
You know? Everyone ends up doing stuff they're not proud of.
And in the end the most important thing is that the people who know you accept you for who you are.
God, you know what? For a guy that spent the day with a bag on his head, you are absolutely right.
(PHONE VIBRATING) Hello? Yeah.
Understood.
Please.
No.
I You don't have to do this.
Just speak to Mr K, just tell him that I'm sorry, OK? - Come on, he's a reasonable guy.
- He is not a reasonable guy.
- Jamie? - It's not her decision.
Don't look at her.
Please.
- Turn around.
- Oh, my God.
This is really happening.
(COCKS GUN) Oh, my God.
(WHIMPERS) Only joking! (LAUGHS) I'm just joking! He said you're free to go.
That was a really good one.
That was (LAUGHS) It's just a birthday prank.
It's just Your face! Your face was unbelievable.
It was just (RETCHES) (ALL LAUGH) (GAGS, RETCHES) (LAUGHS) You really had me going there.
Oh, seriously, though what you doing tonight? [ARCADE FIRE: REBELLION (LIES).]
I'd like to propose a toast.
Oh.
- To birthdays - Yay! and to new friends.
To new friends.
And to birthdays not spent cry-eating cake alone in a karaoke booth.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Back in a sec.
Do you want some more wine? - Er, ooh, yes, please.
- All right, coming straight up.
(PHONE PINGS) Oh.
You've got a text.
Is it one of my mates just finally remembering my birthday? Er, no, no, look, it's from Mr K.
He says He says, "Have you done it yet?" Have you done what yet? (CHUCKLES) He didn't say I could go, did he? Did you just keep me alive so that you could have guest at your birthday dinner? Sorry you fucking bitch.
(GUNSHOT) Ha [PIXIES: ISLA DE ENCANTA.]
I mean it's one thing killing somebody, but popping her tits in a laminator.
I'm not going to get so hungry in the next 2 hours that I give up millions of pounds, I'm not a cartoon bear.
Did you skip lunch? Because you got some hungry eyes girl.
Oh fuck! You nearly bloody killed me!