Hollywood Darlings (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

Okay, girls, let's play marry, (bleep), kill.
Okay, I got one.
Patrick Duffy, Tim Allen, Bob Saget.
Oh.
This is terrible.
There's no good outcome on this, at all.
I say (bleep) Patrick Duffy, 'cause he's still a rather attractive older man.
- Okay.
- And I could okay.
I would, I guess, marry Bob Saget because And that would ensure you never have to (bleep) him.
- Right? - Yeah.
Exactly.
So okay, so there's that.
And then I guess I would kill Tim Allen.
- Okay.
- Can we play a different game? I don't feel comfortable, like, f, m, k game.
Sometimes you are a real buzzkill.
Okay, fine, I mean, just one.
I'm giving you one.
That's it.
That's all you get.
Oh, we got one.
That's all you got.
- Okay, I got three more.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Screech the Hanson brothers, Cody from "Step by Step.
" I guess the Hansons would be interesting 'cause there's three of them.
I don't know.
Oh.
Sorry I'm late.
Okay.
Hi.
I've got about 45 minutes before I've gotta pick up the kids and I've got mommy and me and then we've got music class and then we've got gymnastics and then we gotta go to the grocery store because I gotta pick up everything for dinner.
I'm exhausted by everything you just said.
Bev, do you ever take any time out for you? I mean, I don't remember the last time I actually did something for myself.
I mean, I think it's been close to maybe four years.
I mean, mani-pedi? Forget it.
- Oh, we know.
- We know.
We've seen your talons.
They're, like, curling over.
You could pick up small animals with those things.
They're not that bad.
You are overworked, girl.
This mom thing's hard.
I mean, you just - Tell me about it.
- You try to do it all.
And you just want to be the best mom, and it's just it's exhausting.
I don't know whoever said you can have it all.
But whoever said that is a liar.
Being a mom takes its toll.
You lose sleep, you lose your keys, I mean, your mind.
Your sex drive.
Before my husband and I had the baby, man, we used to do it everywhere.
You know, the kitchen counter, the kitchen table, the kitchen floor.
Remind me never to eat at your house again.
Now the only place he does it is the bathroom by himself.
I'm actually Tomorrow, I'm going to this new place.
It's a full mind, body experience.
I'm gonna take you.
We're gonna go and we are gonna leave there feeling energized, relaxed.
Okay, well, it's like a spa, right? It's like a It's like a spa-ish, spa-ish type place.
Bev, you deserve it, okay? Give yourself some time.
- Fill up the tank.
- Mm-hmm.
I I Yeah, you know what? I'll take some me time.
Ooh, we'll have a girls' day.
Well, crud, if you know, if we're gonna do this, I mean, that means that I've gotta take the dogs to the groomer today and I've gotta go to the vet and then I've gotta Oh, gosh, I've gotta clean the whole house.
There's just so much to do.
Okay.
Okay, well, see you Uh, Bev.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Losing my mind.
Okay, bye.
Drive safely.
- Ah! - Oh.
Hey, hey, you guys, keep the ball in the pool, okay? Thank you.
Oh, my gosh, I meant to tell you.
What? So I was on urban dictionary the other day I don't know what I was looking up, but I saw on there there's a term called "the Kimmy Gibbler.
" What? I'm in urban dictionary? You've made it.
You have arrived, my friend.
Well, what is a Kimmy Gibbler? It's like a girl that won't leave the next morning.
I choose to take that as a compliment.
Yeah.
Hey, I don't know if I told you I started teaching an acting workshop for child actors.
Oh, well, good.
Congratulations, Andrea.
That's amazing.
Yeah, I'm supposed to teach tomorrow, but I'm going out of town, so I'm trying to look for a replacement.
I'll teach it for you.
Oh.
God damn it.
I sw If you throw that ball one more time, I am gonna pop it.
You? I'm not gonna yell at other people's kids.
I don't know.
These kids are pretty young, and they're pretty impressionable.
They just treat whatever you say like that is the word.
Just trust me.
I got this.
Are you sure? Absolutely.
Don't screw this up, Sweetin.
Oh, Bev.
Get ready for a healing spiritual journey.
Where's the spa? This place is actually a spiritual center that is gonna give you the right tools to help you self-care on the daily.
This is gonna be like a massage for your soul.
Well, I was just looking for a massage for my hands and my feet.
Hey, guys.
- Oh.
- Oh.
I'm almost done.
Mm.
There we go.
I've got one more corner to do, and then then we'll hug.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
God, isn't he great? Uh, why is Andrew Keegan here? Well, he he's actually He owns this place.
Do you know him? I mean, everybody knows Andrew.
I mean, he was on "7th Heaven.
" I think he was on "Full House.
" He was on "Step by Step" for sure.
He dated a bunch of actresses.
I mean, he was he was very popular back then.
I don't know if he dated a lot of actresses.
He dated a few choice actresses.
Wait a minute.
Did you guys have a thing? We did spend some time together.
It was very innocent.
- Mm! - Hi.
Oh, Andrew.
- Ah.
- Oh.
Oh, Beverley, I haven't seen you in so long.
It's been a while.
Get oh, heart to heart.
This way.
Yeah, right there.
- Right there.
- Oh.
Do you feel the connection? Oh, yeah, I feel something.
Really looking forward to you guys experiencing this today.
We're gonna really get in there and cleanse and open it up.
- Yes.
- And your heart is gonna be just reverberating with love.
It's a release.
I'm gonna get everybody ready.
He has so many fun things planned.
You and your crazy LA crap.
Do you really believe that Joey from "10 Things I Hate About You" is gonna take us on a spiritual journey? Andrew is a pro.
I promise.
He is gonna help us get back to our former selves.
Besides, when have I ever steered you wrong? Crocs, do-it-yourself botox, that time you told me to go on the werewolf diet.
All right.
All right.
- Come on.
- I'm not happy about this.
Ow! Your nails.
Hi, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to today's acting class.
My name is Jodie Sweetin.
I'm gonna be filling in for Andrea today.
I'm so excited to be here.
You know, I grew up as a child actor.
And some of you might know me from "Full House.
" Do you guys ever watch that show? - Yes.
- Fantastic.
Uh, so acting class for me is just such a wonderful way to express myself and really dig deep into my emotions.
It's a place where you can come and feel free and Hold on.
I'll get to you in a moment.
And really engage with other actors, so I encourage you to do that today, and I think we're gonna have a really fun time.
How old were you when you first started acting? I was about four years old when I started acting.
I was I was pretty young.
Yeah.
So some of the things that we're gonna do today are Yes.
What was your first paid gig? My first paid acting gig? Yeah.
My first paid gig was in an Oscar Mayer hotdog commercial.
You know, I sang the Oscar Mayer hotdog song and My mom says commercials are capitalistic poison.
Okay, great.
Uh, so we're gonna have a lot of fun today.
We're gonna get in some really deep immersive games, games that teach you to really react, respond, listen to the other person in a scene.
Uh, yes.
Or we could just go on instagram and tag each other and try to raise up our followers.
Build it up.
Yeah.
- Sounds fun.
- Yeah.
Build it up.
Building it up is not really acting.
Followers are wonderful, and they are a very important part of an established acting career, but that's also your publicist's job.
So right now, we're in here to practice our art, all right? And acting is a very serious art.
All right, so let's stand up and play zip, zap, zop.
Let's begin.
So first, let's just bring ourselves to this present moment.
Mm.
That's good.
So what we're going to be doing today, we're gonna be doing a sound bath.
Mm.
What this is gonna do, it's gonna relax you on a cellular level.
So I would like to introduce you to our facilitators, Priestesses Paige Namaste.
and our sound wizard, Ryan Matthews.
Namaste.
Can can namaste.
Oh.
Namaste.
Okay.
So let's get comfortable.
You guys can lay down, and I got you guys some blankets.
Oh, you we're supposed to lay down right here? Yep.
When was the last time this was washed? Oh.
Oh, never mind.
Okay, yeah.
So I'm tapping in right now, so just give me one moment just to check in.
- Mm.
- This is not my thing.
Okay, Bev, you know what? You need to close your mouth and open your heart a little bit, okay? - I'm trying to meditate here.
- Okay.
- I'm just saying.
- Okay.
Uh, ladies, I have a message.
Um, yes, for Beverley.
Your spirit guide is telling me that you really are gonna benefit from this is what he's saying, so really just allow yourself to be free, and again, open your heart.
Do you really find this relaxing? If you really hate it, we can leave after the sound bath, okay? Promise? All right, let's begin.
Try to get in touch with yourself.
Touch yourself if you want.
I don't care.
He doesn't care.
Mm.
Who's crazy now, huh, Bev? I ought to wake her up and shove it in her face, but I'm not leaving until I get my mojo back.
Our next practice is a static movement.
Hmm.
The idea is to really release inhibitions.
You mentioned you wanted to focus on reawakening your sexuality.
We're gonna do exactly that.
And the way that we're gonna do that is, we are gonna move like you've never moved before.
Oh.
- Tribal - Oh.
- and sexual - Oh.
and just mixed all up together.
- Okay.
- You ready? It's just another Saturday night.
Yeah, I'm ready.
Okay, let's do this.
Let's do this.
You ready? Good.
Yeah.
It's like you have no clothes on, just dancing naked on the beach.
It's turning to Ibiza.
Ooh, there you go.
There you go.
Let it flow.
Oh, yeah.
Drum it out.
Drum it out.
Give me a hug.
- Oh.
- So sweaty.
So good.
So good.
Ooh.
Yeah! - Give me another hug.
- Okay.
Oh.
Okay, new practice.
Oh, good.
That's so good.
So good.
Too many hugs? Is that weird? So much fun.
Crazy wiggling.
Yeah.
No shame.
No shame.
No shame! Is it me or did (bleep) just get real weird? All right, let's let's go ahead and have a seat.
Wonderful job, you guys.
That was great.
Are you having fun? - Meh.
- Meh.
Miss Andrea always teaches us that.
And I thought you'd teach us more about the business.
'Cause you're Jodie Sweetin.
Yeah.
Well, um, you know, it's not really what we're here to talk about.
I mean, I'm really trying to work on the craft part of this.
We don't want to end up like Macaulay Culkin.
He had to sue his parents.
Yeah.
Please help us.
This town can really tear you a new one.
Yeah.
For real.
Are you sure you guys are ready for this? Yeah.
All right, fine.
Here goes.
All right.
Here's where we're gonna start.
We're gonna start with friends, okay? Friendships, they're gonna change.
All right, you're gonna go off, you're gonna do work.
You're gonna do great work, you're gonna get a national commercial.
You might even get a TV show.
Your friends You're gonna come back; Your friends are gonna hate you.
Or even worse yet, you get the fake friends that are, like, hanging out with you because they want something from you, okay? They're sycophants.
Don't listen to them.
Run.
All right? Second of all, plastic surgery.
Plastic surgery's a little bit touchy.
Some people out there, they kind of need it; You know 'em when you see 'em, but I'm gonna tell you this.
If anybody tells you under 16 to have a nose job, don't worry about it.
Doesn't work; It makes you look strange.
You'll grow into your nose later.
Okay, it's gonna be fine.
Trust me.
Now, for you guys, okay, you're gonna have to deal with social media.
People will bully you, they'll tell you you're ugly, you're fat, you're stupid.
Social media, it's really f up, all right? And it's gonna hurt your soul.
It's gonna take a piece of you.
The last thing I have to tell you Something really important.
All right? And it's I don't know if I should tell you this, but here we go.
(bleep) It's just It's everywhere.
You're gonna walk into a party and just (bleep).
It's not worth it.
You're gonna (bleep).
Just (bleep) as far as the eye can see, all right? And I'm gonna tell you this.
(bleep).
And then you're gonna go up, and things are gonna be (bleep), and then (bleep) it's all gonna fing fall apart.
Okay? So just just enjoy the ride.
I think my work here is done.
Wow, that was a lot of dancing.
You know, I was actually thinking maybe I could just take a little little ten-minute snooze 'cause she's been out for, like, an hour.
- You know? - Mm.
Let me check.
Mm, no.
The guides really want you to have a new experience, and this next one, you're really gonna enjoy this.
Okay.
Orgasmic eating.
Every retreat should end with a treat.
Okay.
So we prepared some really tasty, tasty balls.
The idea is for us to be able to connect to the feeling of the orgasm through food.
Hmm.
Ladies first.
Oh.
Um Oh, okay.
- Grab one up.
- Hmm.
All right.
Oh, they're very It's very moist.
Well All right.
Ball's up.
- No.
- Right.
Mmm.
Mmm! It's good? Mmm.
Mmm? - Mmm.
- Okay, look.
That that's very inauthentic.
I really feel like you're faking it.
Okay, well, why don't you show me how it's done? Great idea.
Okay.
Oh, god.
Yeah.
And just let it really sink in.
And it just connects everything orgasmic in your body, every cell.
Okay, your turn.
You know what? I'm just kind of tired and I've got a headache and Christine.
Mmm.
That's good.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
That's good.
Here.
Here.
- Mmm.
- Here's a little bit more.
There you go.
- Mmm.
- Yeah, there you go.
- Yeah.
- Too much, a little bit.
So many balls in my mouth.
God, I'm I'm really relaxed.
Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
- That was That was awesome.
You know, I owe you an apology.
Sorry for calling it crazy LA crap.
I mean, Andrew's the real deal.
Oh, yeah.
No, so great.
So great.
He actually said that I'm gonna be able to orgasm now just by crossing my legs, so you know.
Oh.
God.
Oh, yeah, that's it.
Oh.
Better save some for Brandon, you know? Maybe I should stay awake next time.
Hi.
You (bleep) everything up, Sweetin.
What what? How? What do you mean? What did you do? You ruined my class.
What did you tell those kids? I told them everything they needed to know.
I thought I did a brilliant job.
I mean, we did some amazing improv exercises, they asked questions; I gave really well informed answers.
Oh, yeah, and where's the part where you taught a six-year-old about plastic surgery? They were six? - Yes.
- Wow, they read as ten.
I can't believe you.
I trusted you with my class.
You know, these kids, they had questions.
They wanted to know things, and I wasn't gonna sit there and lie to them.
If they want to do this business, then they need to know the hard, cold facts.
Well, thanks to you, I lost half of my class.
They decided they want to emancipate themselves from their parents, and another kid wants to be a mortician because it's less scary than Hollywood.
Maybe he just has self-esteem issues.
How about when you told the kids (bleep)? I may have crossed a line.
How you gonna fix this? I will make up for the lost tuition.
I will cut you a check myself.
Thank you.
Let me go get my checkbook.
I wouldn't say no to a free sushi dinner.
And feel free to throw in that Ted Baker dress that I love.
Oh, and the Vera Wang purse.
Honey, this is so romantic.
God knows I could use some wine after the day I just had.
So you guys did what? I don't know.
It was kind of weird.
I mean, we did the sound bath, which you know I love.
I love a good sound bath.
But then he was like, "I want you to make love to these balls.
" So you did you did what now? We basically made love with our mouths to some balls.
- Chocolate balls.
- Chocolate balls.
Do you want to know how to do it? Sure.
Okay, grab a grape.
Well, let's see how big you can open your mouth, huh? Give it the old college try.
Come on.
Here, take this one.
Okay.
So you bite the balls.
Yeah.
Pretty much.
Try it.
Take a Take a grape.
I'm good on the balls.
How about a piece of cheese then? I will always make love to a piece of cheese.
Just really feel it.
You know, really - Am I doing it right? - I don't know; How you feel? I I mean, the cheese tastes good.
- You feel sexy? - It's not doing anything for this area.
I think it's doing a lot for that area, personally.
- Oh, you do? - In fact, I think this whole setup's doing a lot for my area.
- Really? - I mean, you definitely know the way to my heart.
All through food and wine.
I thought it'd be special just you and me.
This is nice.
I know we haven't exactly been romantic lately, but all this? It's like we're on a date.
- It's so quiet.
- I know.
It's like we're at our own little french bistro.
Mm, I bet someone's gonna get lucky tonight.
- Oh.
- Hmm.
I'll get it.
Really? No, why don't you just keep this energy up, and when I come back, we'll do this? Yes, I will.
I'm here.
- I need this.
- Okay.
We're gonna get right back to it.
We're gonna do this thing.
Ooh, there you go.
Good.
Move like nobody's watching.
Dance like nobody's watching, you know? Let's do a hula hoop session.
- Okay? - Okay.
So the idea is to move, just to move.
Ow.
Good.
Whoo! Whoo! I got lost.
I really got lost there for a second.
- Whoa.
- So good.
I think we should take a break.
We should take a break.