Home Economics (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

1 [upbeat music.]
Chapter one.
This is the story of the Hayworth family.
- Oh, no.
- Oh! Three siblings who loved each other.
- What do I owe you? - $1,150, brother.
- Oh, dang.
- Okay.
But money sometimes got in the way.
Sarah was the middle child and the one with the least money.
She lived in a tiny apartment with her wife, Denise, and their two kids.
They were always on top of each other.
Literally.
Hi, I was just calling about the counselor position.
Oh, you got the job.
So you were supposed to fill the position, but you gave it to yourself.
That's fun.
Quick question.
Why did you even have me come in? I mean, you didn't even validate my parking, so And we are so happy for you.
It's a tough job market out there right now.
Good luck, and let us know if anything else opens up.
Can I just say one more thing? There is a better job out there for you.
In the meantime, do you want to bake some cookies and look at pictures of Cate Blanchett in suits? [laughs.]
Yes, I would.
I thought we were going to Uncle Connor's place.
Yeah, his house has a second floor.
- We have a second floor.
- You're sitting on it! A few minutes away, Sarah's younger brother Connor had moved to the Bay Area with his wife and daughter.
He'd made a fortune in finance, so much that he bought his house from Matt Damon.
Yes, that Matt Damon.
They even had a live-in nanny.
Lupe, can you do the thing? A nanny who took care of all of them.
[laughs.]
Daddy, when do the cousins get here? Soon, baby.
Today's gonna be epic.
- Whole family together - Yeah, it's gonna be lit.
That's my girl.
Lupe.
Come on.
You're the best, Lupe! In between Connor and Sarah financially was the oldest sibling, Tom.
He was middle-class, but definitely not middlebrow.
[toddler babbling.]
What? Yeah, you know what? You're right.
It's the wrong kind of funny.
- [babbles.]
- Good point.
Tom grew up the golden child of the family, and actually became a bestselling novelist.
But his latest novel had sold about five copies, as the public had failed to appreciate its subtlety, and the author photo was not the one the author chose.
With the expenses piling up, he now faced the humiliation of having to ask his little brother for a loan.
[laughs.]
What, you're a critic, too? Mom! - Also - I'm bored! He had too many kids.
Investigators said they'd never seen a murder so gruesome, but what they found under the floorboards was even more disturbing.
Well, got in almost half a page before they started crying.
Your secret book about Uncle Connor and Aunt Sarah? Oh, no, no, no, sweetie.
It's not a secret.
I'm just I'm hiding it from them.
Que gallina es tu papá? - Mom said you're a chicken.
- [gasps.]
Well, that's just nasty in two languages.
Don't forget, we're going to Connor's at 3:00.
Great, that'll give me enough time to keep doing laundry for the rest of my life.
Love you, honey! Yo, bro, comma, psyched to see your new dump, exclamation point.
Smiley face.
Yeah, did you buy it from someone famous? I can't remember.
Ha ha, very funny.
You do know it was Matt Damon though, right? - [chuckles.]
- [upbeat music.]
[upbeat music.]
I wouldn't want someplace this big it's too big! I mean, who would want all this space? So many rooms, no one would ever find you.
I'm going for it.
I'm just gonna look him right in the eye.
I'm gonna say "Connor, I know everyone thinks my career is thriving" Honey, I support you whether you decide to ask for the loan or you don't, but I just can't keep hearing about it.
It's hard to ask your baby brother for money.
Well, don't think of him as your baby brother.
Think of him as a cartoon duck swimming in a pool of gold coins.
He has a pool of gold coins? No.
I don't think so.
- Hey! - Hi.
Hey.
So, are we still not telling your brothers that you lost your job? - Not today, no.
- Okay.
Oh, your cheese cave has a wine cellar? - Cool, I'm unemployed.
- Okay.
I just I don't need Tom's advice or Connor's sympathy fist bump.
Okay, Lulu, we haven't seen Connor in over a year, so maybe let's not get in a fight and storm out this time.
Okay, I know your brothers are Scorpios, but they're still good people.
You know I don't believe in that stuff.
That's a very Capricorn thing to say.
Okay.
Oh, wow, look! Dibs on tiny Porsche! - Ready for this? - Do I have a choice? No.
[screaming.]
- Oh, my God! - Hey.
Oh, my gosh, come on, you have to see my dolls.
Cool, what are their pronouns? - Come on! - Whoa! - So cool! - Oh, thank you.
- You got it, right? - Yeah.
[light percussive music.]
De dónde eres? Colombiana, y tú? Quería, Mexicana.
- Nobody's perfect.
- Oh.
Okay.
- This is obscene.
- I feel dirty.
So what do you guys think? - So nice.
- It's really tasteful.
Mm-hmm.
I can't believe I'm finally so close to you guys.
We went stir-crazy in Seattle this past year.
Ugh, I'm sure it was so hard for you and Emily to be quarantined with an infinity pool.
No, my pool guy blew up on TikTok.
So he's like a full-time pool boy influencer now, just doing all like, you know, this kinda I don't know, but we had to throw the tarp on.
The pH balance got all out of whack.
- It's - Ugh, I'd move, too.
Hey, where is Emily? She traveling for work again? Yeah, her firm owns a pipeline in one of the Dakotas.
I don't know.
Someone's got to pay the bills.
Didn't you make, like, $5 million last year? Yeah, but Em makes, like, real money.
I don't even want to know what you think real money is.
Oh, Tom, by the way, finally read your book.
You did? Yeah well, first chapter, but, man.
So far I got to say it is a much anticipated follow-up.
We talk about how problematic it is? Oh, should I not read it? Well, there's exactly zero women.
It's about a prison baseball team in 1906.
That sounds dope.
I thought you read the first chapter.
It's a long chapter, Tom.
Look, Sarah, obviously I'm an ally.
Yeah, Sarah, he married a Latina.
Doesn't he get points for that? I didn't actually do it for points.
Just the idea of points is so toxic.
Okay, well definitely not less points.
- Fewer points.
- You have a problem.
Oh, my God, we get it.
You're a bestselling writer.
And this is the playroom.
Huh, okay, whoo.
Wow.
Shamiah, you got all the orange and all the railroads.
Guys, let me save you six hours.
Shamiah's already won the game.
- All right! - But I've got both utilities.
[sighs.]
Oh, Camila.
All that means is that you just spent $300 on investments with zero upgrade potential.
Let me guess, you got Baltic, too? Yeah, you got Baltic.
It's like a Willy Wonka fever dream.
It's like an American Girl store knocked up a Sephora.
It's like we're inside Barbie's uterus.
It's like a rave meets an ice cream shop, and they - I lost it.
- You tried.
- Yeah, I lost it.
- You tried.
You got a lot of cash.
That's good.
But it's not like the bank is gonna pay you interest.
Go off, king.
Thank you, Kelvin.
But let's talk about your situation over here, bud.
I mean, what's your strategy? You're all over the place.
The name of the game is Monopoly.
I'm seeing one of each color.
In chapter three, add a flashback where Connor's greed is stoked by Monopoly, a game which is ironically designed to teach about income inequality.
I'm writing a book.
Hm, I'm making chicken fingers.
Yo, Tom, we're gonna call Mom and Dad.
And this is the kitchen.
- Oh, wow.
- Wow.
- We love it.
- Yes.
Is that Matt Damon's juicer? Hey, what's he like? Who, MD? Oh, he was great.
Yeah, I mean, when my realtor emailed his realtor about the inspection, he responded like, so fast.
- Wow.
- That is so Matt Damon.
And to think you and Tom shared that tiny little room growing up together.
My millionaire and my big shot writer.
Hi, I'm here, too.
Of course, you are.
How's work, sweetie? Oh, so great.
Oh, I love seeing all of you together.
My kids, my grandkids, my wonderful ethnic daughter-in-laws.
- Mom, why would you say that? - Mom, come on.
What? They know I love them.
Hola, Marina.
Café con leche.
That's right, Grandma.
Those are Spanish words.
Hey, Mom.
I know that Thanksgiving is a couple months off, but I would like to try again with the vegan turkey.
I think the problem last time was mostly in the taste and the texture area.
Oh, Sarah Okay, fine, there was a slight odor.
I thought you told them.
No, Connor, you were supposed to tell them.
Told us what? Connor's taking us to the Turks and the Caicos! What? I don't understand.
- She said it wrong.
There's no "the.
" - Dad.
He's taking us to Turks and Caicos? No, the one "the" is fine.
But we always have Thanksgiving at Mom and Dad's place.
- Yeah, it's a tradition.
- It's like our only tradition.
So you're saying it's Turks and the Caicos.
That sounds crazy.
Guys, we'll call you back.
Now you got me confused.
What, I can't take Mom and Dad on a vacation? Connor, there's 51 other weeks of the year.
Okay, but on Thanksgiving, all we do is fight.
Why do you guys even care? Because it's our special day of fighting.
And it's our special day of drinking.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, I'll fix this.
You guys wanna come to Turks and Caicos? - I'll bring everyone.
- That's not the point.
Yeah, you're not getting it, man.
So just airfare or you cover hotel, too? - Everything.
- Whew.
- Tom.
- What? No.
No, no, no.
Yeah, no, Sarah's right.
- That's not the point.
- Okay, Connor, you know? I didn't say anything about your ridiculous Matt Damon house with its screening room, and a backyard that's inside the house, and a closet just for your kid's pajamas.
- It's a lot of pajama.
- You know what? Should we check out the Japanese soaking tub? - We're leaving.
- Okay.
Okay? Kelvin! Shamiah! - Sarah! - Come on.
Well, she lasted an hour.
I owe Shamiah ten bucks.
After the year we've all had! It was so great seeing all of you, and she's gonna be back for one more zing.
And Matt Damon hasn't made a good movie since "We Bought a Zoo.
" And we're done.
Okay, Marina, I'm gonna send you that link to the seven-minute workout, and Connor, welcome to the city.
Thank you.
[electronic music.]
Wait, did she say "We Bought a Zoo"? Why did we have to leave? I didn't even get to drive the Bentley - So, Lulu, to recap - Please, no recap.
You said you weren't gonna storm out, and then what happened? - I stormed out.
- Yeah.
But I can tell you're reconsidering because we haven't left yet.
No.
I forgot the keys inside, and I'm too embarrassed to go back in and get them.
I think they're on the towel warmer next to the robot toilet.
Didn't get to use that either.
[knock on the window.]
Found these over by the Sokito 5000.
You know it's got a built-in Bluetooth? I've got to poop in that.
Look, I know you and Tom were upset.
But when we were kids, did we solve our problems by running away? No.
We'd figure it out.
And then we'd make up by singing our favorite song.
You know? Mmm bop Mmm, mmm, mmm bop - Duba du duba du - Okay, stop, you're butchering it.
Look, I don't want her to go, but make it a lot easier to ask Connor for that loan.
Unless this puts him in a bad mood.
If you don't want to ask him for the loan, I could always go back to work at the firm.
I thought you hated the firm.
I hate a lot of things, Tom, yet here I am.
Come on, I've got this whole day planned out.
Let's just go inside.
I mean, he usually doesn't put this much effort in.
And that toilet sounds really cool.
Yes, obviously we all want to poop in that toilet.
Let's go talk.
I've got the perfect room where we can work this out.
[quirky music.]
Okay, so you meant literally work it out.
This is where I do my best thinking.
This is great.
I haven't been to a gym in eight months.
You guys can use it anytime you want.
Just wipe off the equipment when you're done.
What's that smell? Oh, Matt Damon used to use this room to dry meat.
Yeah, after "Monuments Men," he got real into German cuisine.
Okay, next time just say sweat.
Look, Connor.
Connor.
The reason why I'm upset about Thanksgiving is that you didn't even consult us.
It just feels like, since I make less money Well, fewer money.
Right, Tom? It feels like my opinion matters less.
Look, I'm sorry I have like a ridiculous amount of money.
You want me to give it all away? I'll give it all away.
Obviously not all of it.
That'd be crazy.
- Come on, ask him.
- No, now is not the time.
- This is exactly the time.
- Hey, what's up? - Hi.
- No secrets in the meat room.
Spit it out.
- Well - It We're actually having a sexual problem.
- Ew.
- What? I agree, we probably shouldn't talk about it in front of other people.
We need to borrow money, but Tom's afraid to ask.
- What? - You do? No, no, no, no.
Look.
I know everyone thinks that my career is thriving, but the tru ahh! - Oh, my God.
- Oh! Tom.
I'm good.
I'm good.
I'm okay.
I just I hurt my elbow a little bit.
And my face.
Wait, you need to borrow money, why didn't you just ask? I've been trying, but it's embarrassing.
It makes me feel like a failure.
Nobody bought my last book.
But the first three pages were so good.
I don't know what happened to my life.
I mean, I was the A student, right? I'm the one who went to an Ivy League school.
- Well - Cornell.
I'm almost 40 and clipping supermarket coupons while my younger brother subscribes to a magazine about private jets.
I don't subscribe to that, Tom.
They send that for free.
Every month we fall further behind.
And three kids are not cheap.
Okay, I'm sorry that you're going through this, but you are not the only one who's struggling.
Okay, Lulu, it's not a competition.
And we could really use the help.
Well, we could also use the help.
Oh, I thought you said it's not a competition.
Well, Marina, you're a corporate lawyer, and I'm a public school teacher, and my savings account is a mug.
I'm not working anymore, and you two have dual income, and we just have Tom's $12 royalty checks.
Sorry, honey.
We don't have dual income anymore because I lost my job last week.
Ooh.
They fired you from the - The school thing.
- The school thing? Do you even know what I do? - Yeah.
- Yes.
- You're like a child - You do guidance - Research.
- Counseling.
I'm a therapist for low-income, at-risk kids.
- Yes, you are.
- Yeah.
- That's what I just said.
- That is exactly what you do.
I wish I'd known you were unemployed before I asked for a loan.
Now I feel like a jerk.
Oh, I'm sorry that the timing of my getting laid off was inconvenient for you.
- That's not what I - Guys.
We're family, okay? It's not a big deal.
I can float you both.
Connor, I don't want your money, okay? Not from big pharma, fossil fuels, or blood diamonds Okay, okay.
But Tom shouldn't get it either.
- Whoa! - Oh, that's a healthy attitude.
How is that not toxic? Oh, the golden boy hits his first speed bump and immediately asks for a bailout? I mean, white privilege much? - Mm-mm.
- I'm sorry, I heard it.
Guys, can we please, for once, just not fight? I don't think that's possible.
I've been asking that for 13 years.
Honestly, it's a good thing that we're canceling Thanksgiving.
- Guys.
- Oh, no! How am I supposed to survive without your fake turkey? - You said you liked it! - I lied! I can I can still feel it in my mouth! Guys! Come on! Today was supposed to be epic.
I don't know why I thought this would work.
Oh.
Why what would work? What is with him? He's been acting weird all day.
All like, "Let's be best friends.
Come check out my toilet.
" Wait, he said Emily's on a business trip, right? In one of the Dakotas.
There's, like, 500 closets here, and I haven't seen any of her stuff.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh.
Connor killed Emily.
Sorry, I've had a lot of wine.
[upbeat percussion music.]
Hey, Connor.
Oh! Okay.
Yep, real mature.
Come on, man.
Connor, please, can we just talk? - Connor.
- We're losing him.
Circle back.
Even in a mini car, you drive like an old lady, Tom.
Emily's not just on a business trip, is she? We haven't told Gretchen yet.
Oh, my God.
What did you do? Dude, she was cheating on me.
- Oh.
- Wow, sorry.
On top of that, my super hot Pilates teacher totally wanted it, and I didn't even do anything.
Okay.
Why didn't you tell us? About the Pilates teacher? You guys know Danica? - No, not the - She's great, right? - No, not her.
- Why didn't you tell us about Emily? I didn't know how.
I know how much you guys look up to me.
- We don't.
- We do not.
Emily was just so much better at the whole parenting thing.
One of the reasons I wanted to move back here, you know? If I'm gonna be a single dad, I want Gretchen to be with her cousins, you know? Be a normal kid.
[gentle music.]
I guess I wanted to be a little closer to you guys.
Hey.
I'm really sorry for being such a maniac about Thanksgiving.
No, I should've checked with you.
Look.
- We're gonna help you, okay? - Mm-hmm.
Whatever you need.
You're not alone in this.
- We're here for you.
- Yeah.
We're family.
And speaking of which, if you're serious about that loan, I'm totally gonna pay you back.
Of course, man.
I would love to hold a loan over your head.
I'm gonna bring it up every time I see you.
Wow, I'm looking forward to that.
Yeah.
[laughs.]
You know, I really thought that I was the one with all the problems, and that you two just had it figured out.
I thought the exact same thing.
What a relief.
We're all screwed up.
Right, at least we're all screwed up together.
Aww.
Actually, aww.
- [laughs.]
- Come here.
There's so many relationships in this life.
- Only one or two will last - Oh, no, no, no.
[both.]
Through all the pain and strife You turn your back, and it's gone so fast Ooh, yeah [together.]
And they're gone so fast Oh, yeah, yeah Mmm bop Ba duba dop, ba du bop Ba duba dop, ba du, yeah, yeah Mmm bop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba du dop Ba du, yeah, yeah This is the story of the Hayworth family, three siblings who figured out that while money can divide us, it's family that unites us.
Ohh! It's okay.
There's no damage.
Ooh.
Yeah, there's actually a little bit of damage.
You sure you guys aren't mad about not going to the Caribbean? No.
Thanksgiving at Jason Bourne's old house? Can't beat that.
As long as we're all together.
- Bye, you guys.
- Bye.
- Love you, bye.
- Bye, love you.
Love you, guys.
What the hell? No Turks or Caicos.
I bought new sandals.
I bragged about this trip to Brenda.
I can't not go.
We'll pay for it ourselves.
Let me check our Radisson points.
Every time.
Yeah, honestly sometimes it kind of feels like it's on purpose.
Why don't I just send them to Turks and Caico? - That's a very good idea.
- Permanently.
All right, where were we? Oh, Uncle Tommy.
You owe my daddy a bunch of money.
Aw, it's just like real life.
[laughter.]
Hey, until that bestseller comes out.
What's the book about anyway? Yeah, Tom.
What's the book about anyway? Uh I haven't figured it out yet, so Okay, well, try to put a woman in it this time, okay? Add woman to novel.
Got it.
[laughter.]
All right, my turn.
Mommy needs a new breast pump.
- As Tom looked at his family, - Here we go.
he felt closer to them than ever before.
It was a feeling that he knew would last.
[yelling.]
- $2,000.
- Oh, my God.
- You don't need more money.
- He does this every time! At least, until they found out he was writing a novel about them, and then they'd never talk to him again.
[upbeat music.]