Hotel Transylvania: The Series (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

1 [GHOSTLY VOCALIZING.]
[MUSIC.]
[MUSIC.]
[RAP BEAT PLAYING.]
[MUSIC.]
[HARD ROCK PLAYING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[MUSIC.]
[WOLF HOWLING.]
Now that Dracula's gone away Mavis thought this was her day This could have been her day, man! [TRUMPET PLAYING.]
But instead of living large And finally being in charge La la lay, la la lay la laaaaaa Her father, summoned-his-sister The-evil-and-the-sinister La la lay, la la lay, la laaaaaa Lydia, the Dark Baroness.
[CLUCKING MUSICALLY.]
And that is where we begin! [BARKING AND CHEERING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[THUD.]
Wendy, how did you get stuck in a ketchup bottle? [VOICE ECHOING.]
I can't help myself.
The crusty bits at the bottom are the best part.
[VOCALIZING FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM.]
[SCREAMING.]
[GROWLING.]
- QUASIMODO: Stay out of my kitchen! - MAVIS: Sorry! Sorry! [SCREAMING.]
- Whoa! - Hey, Mavis! Did you hear that Gretchen Squib from Scream-cation is comin' to review the hotel today? Today? [SCREAMING.]
Oh! One bad review and she can sink a hotel! [SCREAMING.]
[MUSIC.]
Aunt Lydia demanded I [IMPERSONATING LYDIA.]
"maintain order" so nothing goes wrong, which really just means "do nothing.
" - But you're not gonna do that? - Of course not.
I'll fix up the hotel myself, nail the review, land us a five-skull rating, and score all the credit! Boom drac-alacka! Not that I don't totally believe in you, Mavis, because I do, but this just sounds like the kind of thing that always blows up - right in your face.
- Oh, come on, how's this gonna [BARKING.]
[MUSIC.]
[SCREAMING.]
[BARKING.]
Totally gonna blow up in her face.
[BARKING.]
[MUSIC.]
[BARKING MEEKLY.]
Huh, you were right, Pedro.
There is a kazoo wedged inside your brain.
Told ya.
[BARKING.]
[SCREAMING.]
- Hey, girls.
- Hey, Hank and Pedro! [COUGHING.]
Where do you think you're going? [LAUGHING AND KAZOO SOUNDING.]
Wait a sec, where's Winnie? Careful with that statue! Oh, so terrifyingly beautiful.
[BARKING.]
[CLUCKING.]
[BARKING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[GROWLING.]
[BARKING.]
[BARKING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[ROARING.]
[GRUNTING.]
LYDIA: Ahem, ahem.
Aunt Lydia! Hi! I was just getting us ready for the review.
You know, with my Dad away at the vampire council, I'm, like, basically in charge.
Except you are not in charge.
I am.
That's why I said, "like, basically?" Anyway, I'm maintaining order.
Look! I found all but one wolf pup, and when you think about how many there are, - that's really pretty good.
- Young lady, Hotel Transylvania has had a sterling reputation for a thousand years.
Loose wolf pups upset order.
Secrets upset order.
Teenage vampires upset order! Just a quick question Doesn't freezing people upset order? You will maintain order, or it is puppy duty for you.
No! No! Not "Catch the Boulder!" Great, just so I'm clear, finding the lost pup would count as a first step in maintaining order? [CLUCKING.]
[STAFF SLAMMING.]
I'll take that as a yes.
[CHITTERING.]
So, again, why are you wasting perfectly good cake? I'm not wasting it, Hank, I'm using it.
I don't have time to hunt for the wolf pup, so I'm bringing the wolf pup to me.
- With ground cake? - Devil's food cake to be precise.
[IN DEEP TERRIFYING VOICE.]
I'm delicious.
What he said.
- Know who else loves cake? - Who? [GIGGLING.]
PEDRO: Humans.
[SCREAMING.]
- Oh, no! - PEDRO: Yep, you've got the Nosepicker from that human tribe across the way.
- Honey, have you seen the baby? - The Nosepicker.
You know, I always thought she was just a myth, like sweet potatoes or unicorns.
Who you callin' a myth, girl? MAVIS: Holy rabies! She went into the hotel! Aunt Lydia will freak! [GASPING.]
And Winnie is following her! We've gotta find the human before Aunt Lydia does or she'll never believe I can run things! Five minutes till Gretchen's here! [TIRES SCREECHING.]
[MUSIC.]
[SNIFFING.]
I smell human.
It has been centuries since I've been on a good human hunt.
[CLUCKING.]
Centuries! If there is a human in this hotel, I will find it.
And I will eat it! [LAUGHING.]
Well, I likely won't eat it, but a scolding it will get.
[CHUCKLING.]
Diane! [CLAPPING.]
Come! [CLUCKING.]
[MUSIC.]
[SNIFFING.]
[CLUCKING.]
[BARKING.]
[CRINKLING.]
[CRINKLING.]
Just put it in your mouth already.
[BARKING.]
[GASPING.]
The Nosepicker and Winnie.
It's a two-for-one.
[PANTING.]
Go on without me! [PANTING.]
Gotcha! [GIGGLING.]
[PANTING.]
[BARKING.]
[GIGGLING.]
LYDIA: Where is that human?! Shush! Aunt Lydia is coming.
We've gotta hide you.
It's very close! Mavis! [WHISTLING.]
What are you hiding? Fine.
I guess he must've found it outside and rode in on it.
Good thing I caught him, so he couldn't upset the order of the hotel, huh? [SNIFFING.]
And I guess this explains the human smell.
- Order maintained.
- [ROARING.]
Very well.
[HORN HONKING.]
We shall incinerate it before any of the guests catch it's disgusting human scent.
[ROARING.]
Wait, wait! [CLUCKING.]
- Pretty car! [CLUCKING.]
- Oh.
Fine.
Well, I guess if it makes you feel like a chick again [CLUCKING.]
[CLUCKING.]
[HORN HONKING.]
- She's here! - I'm here! - The hotel reviewer is here! - Oh, no! [Echoing.]
Nosepicker! So, where do ya think that goes? [GIGGLING.]
Go to your happy place, go to your happy place [SCREAMING.]
Order not maintained.
Okay, Mavis, think! There's gotta be something worse than a three-headed dog! [GROWLING AND BARKING.]
Hank! Didn't you take three years of wolf pup calling? [CLEARING THROAT.]
Four years, actually.
My teacher said I had the most scarred trachea she'd ever seen.
Can you just do it, please? Okay.
[CLEARING THROAT.]
[TONGUE WAGGING AND PANTING.]
I'm guessing that didn't work? [BARKING.]
[WHIMPERING.]
[SCREAMING.]
HANK: Wait, come back.
Where are you going? - Uh, body? - See? No prob.
Huh? Ah.
Huh.
Y'all know I was faking, right? Okay, I need you guys to get her home before anybody finds out.
[BARKING.]
No! Not through the lobby! - Stooop! - Ah! Please, no! No more running! [SOBBING.]
Careful! Careful with my beautiful statue.
[BARKING.]
[BARKING.]
[GROANING.]
[SCREAMING.]
Fire, fire, fire, fire! [PANTING.]
Whoa! SHRUNKEN HEAD: Announcing Gretchen Squib! - What's going on here? - Nooo! [GASPING.]
I love it! Huh? [SCREAMING.]
- Five skulls! - Except for that.
Ew.
[BUZZER SOUNDING.]
- Could be worse.
- Could it? [SNEEZING, KAZOO SOUNDING.]
Hey, I forgot about you.
[KAZOO PLAYING.]
[MUSIC.]
Here's your key, enjoy your stay.
[BARKING.]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGING.]
Goin' up.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGING.]
[ELEVATOR CREAKING.]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGING.]
Or down works, too.
Free-range organic larvae.
Enjoy! Ugh! So many responsibilities.
This night is the worst.
Mavis, pose for a Smell-fie! [FLATULENCE.]
[SNIFFING.]
Mmm, it's blob-berry.
Mavis, stop posing for scientifically impossible photos and get back to work.
Oh.
Diane! [ROARING.]
Still with the painting?! Chicken minions and their ridiculous hobbies.
Uh, Mavis, remember that box we were told to never - ever-ever-ever open? - Spoiler we opened it! [MONSTROUS ROARING.]
And it's time for my break.
[SCREECHING.]
[CONTENTED SIGHING.]
The only place where I can get some peace and quiet [MONSTROUS ROARING.]
Is this all my old stuff? Aw, the first mouse I caught.
Stuart, you were so slow.
Hansel and Gretel? [SHUDDERING.]
So scary.
I hated how those evil kids tormented that nice old witch.
[LAUGHING.]
Mavis, you found me! And it only took 90 years.
Okay, what's happening now? It's me! Your Debbie.
- Don't you remember? - I remember.
ANNOUNCER: The Fatale Corporation brings you "My First Ghost Doll.
" Debbie, you're terrible, you make we wanna scream My Debbie Doll is really mean Debbie will be your best friend forever.
So, you've been playing Hide and Shriek and waiting all this time for me to find you? Yep You were looking for Debbie, right? [STAMMERS.]
Oh, of course, I was.
I knew you wouldn't quit.
A best friend would never stop looking, right? So, what should we play next? - Uh, I don't know.
You choose.
- 'Kay.
Yeah! [LAUGHING.]
Debbie loves tea parties.
[SIGHING CONTENTEDLY.]
You know, this was kinda fun.
Sometimes it's just nice to chill with the simple things.
Not "sometimes," Mavis.
All times.
So, um, can we play tomorrow? And tomorrow's tomorrow? And tomorrow's tomorrow's tomorrow? Uh sure? [SNORING.]
[WOLF HOWLING.]
Wake up, wake up, wake up! It's time to play! - Huh? Debbie? - Race ya to a billion.
[GIGGLING.]
[GROANING.]
[DEBBIE VOCALIZING.]
[VOCALIZING, GIGGLING.]
Debbie loves tea parties! And what's a tea party without finger sandwiches? Hey, come back! Hey, get outta there! I don't just let any finger pick my nose.
Uh, yesterday you used my finger to do it.
Well, you I know.
Mavis, how long we gonna keep this up for? Yeah, I'm getting pretty full drinking all this tea.
- But it isn't real tea.
- I like to give 100%.
Oh! So my tummy and all this tea Come on, Debbie was my favorite toy as a kid.
She was a gift from my dad for getting an A-plus in Sunlight Avoidance.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Mavey Wavey.
ANNOUNCER: The Fatale Corporation brings you "My First Ghost Doll.
" [GIGGLING.]
Even when you don't want to play ever again, Demented Debbie is ready for more fun.
[CHILD SCREAMING.]
Daddy, Daddy, can I have one? Please? Fatale Inc.
is not responsible for any dolls that annoy and torment you until the end of time and beyond.
All dolls are no stamped it, double-locked it, no erasies, yours forever.
Sure, honey bat.
What's the worst that can happen? Um, I'm starting to think maybe there was a reason my Dad locked all my stuff in the attic.
[DEBBIE GIGGLING.]
Who's ready for a game of Hearts? Oh, Debbie, I'd love to, but I - [ALL CLEARING THROATS.]
We.
- We.
W-E.
We, sorry.
We need to go pour acid on some plants.
- If that's all right? - Sure.
Why would that be a problem? Huh.
That was easy.
See, nothing to worry about.
No, nothing to worry about.
Debbie will be fine.
Just like Debbie was fine for 90 yearsss! [SCREAMING.]
So, are we, um, are you brewing up more of that imaginary tea, or are we just sort of, living in this space? [DEBBIE LAUGHING.]
[SCREAMING.]
Hey, keep it steady.
[SCREAMING.]
Hot buns! [SCREAMING.]
- Pedro, stop.
Stop! - PEDRO: Put it out! Mavis! What is the meaning of this? I swear it wasn't our fault.
My ghost doll won't leave us alone.
Blaming a ghost? How unoriginal.
Not just a ghost, but a ghost doll.
[GROWLING.]
Not helping.
[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY.]
Clean up this mess or else.
[CLUCKING.]
Like it? [SIGHING.]
Man, I like how she didn't say what she was gonna do there.
A nice touch.
Totally terrifying.
We've got to get rid of Debbie! She's wrecking everything.
[EXCLAIMING.]
How much fun was that? Debbie, enough.
I can't play with you all the time.
- I think we need to take a break, okay? - 'Kay.
Break over! Tag, you're it.
[LAUGHING.]
[GROWLING.]
Debbie just won't quit.
There's no place to hide.
Hang on.
"Hide.
" So, Debbie wants to play, huh? Come on, guys.
9,999, 10,000.
Dead or not, here I come.
I don't get it.
I thought you didn't want to play with that demented doll anymore.
Pedro, we're playing Hide and Shriek to get rid of her.
Oh, yeah, right.
Of course.
So, shouldn't we go looking for her? I do feel kinda bad ditching her, though.
She was like my oldest friend.
So sorry, I'm late.
Somehow I got stuck in a coffin at the bottom of a quicksand pool.
Strange, no idea how that happened.
But nothing can stop me from hanging with my Mavis.
Dude, she's just a toy, a really, really annoying, toy.
That's for sure.
[YAWNING.]
I'm going to go take a nap.
I'm gonna do a whole lot of nothing.
I'm gonna just go.
Mavis' new friends are trying to brainwash her.
But soon everyone will like Debbie.
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY.]
[COUGHING.]
Phew! Thought she'd never leave.
[YAWNING.]
Hey, have you seen Hank, Pedro or Wendy? We were supposed to go see that new horror flick, Human Shoe.
NARRATOR: Human Shoe.
It's coming to kick your butt.
[SCREAMING.]
[GRUNTING.]
I don't know.
Thanks.
You're a big help.
- HANK: Help.
- Hank? - Help! - Help! - WENDY: Help! - PEDRO: Somebody help us.
Mavis, help.
Debbie is throwing us a never-ending tea party.
She says we're going to be here forever.
Yeah.
She wants to play with us all the time.
Aw, yeah, well, that is kinda sweet.
No! This is torture! She only has fake chamomile and these costumes are super itchy! Oh, I can help with that.
[LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
Thanks dude.
Wait a minute.
If your arm could scratch me, why didn't you just use it to untie us? Sometimes it's nice to be invited to a fancy party.
Right? DEBBIE: Be right there, new friends.
You know how Debbie hates to be alone.
- She's coming.
- Mavis, you gotta get us outta here.
- Puce is not my color.
- We'll be trapped for all time like the girl in the commercial.
It's been eight hundred years Debbie's batteries last forever I'm starting to think She's the worst gift ever I'm never gonna leave! Waa! Debbie hates to be alone, huh? Be right bat.
[SCREECHING.]
- Please hurry.
- I'm back! Debbie found these chocolate treats at the bottom of a rat's nest.
Too salty.
This tea party stinks! - Hey.
- [GASPS.]
Mavis.
- You made it.
- [CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY.]
Hi.
Yeah.
I just had to wrap my gift.
Can't come to a tea party without a present for the host.
[SIGHING.]
So, you do understand tea party protocol.
Debbie thinks we're going to be best friends forever! [SCREAMING.]
I got you your very own Debbie doll.
Don't you just love it? Get it off! Take it back! Get her away from me! But, Debbie, don't you see, now you've got someone to "stamped it, double-locked it, no erasies" play with forever.
So, you'll never be alone.
Where you going? [LAUGHING.]
See that? If you can't beat 'em, buy another one.
Wow, you really are the worst at giving gifts.
[MUSIC.]
Hey, wait.
Oh, come on! At least toss me another one of them not so delicious chocolate balls!