House of Cards (1990) s01e01 Episode Script
The House of Cards - Episode 1
Nothing lasts for ever.
Even the longest, most glittering reign must come to an end some day.
Who could replace her? Plenty of contenders.
Old warriors, young pretenders.
Lord Billsborough, say.
Party Chairman.
Too old and too familiar.
Tainted by a thousand shabby deals.
Michael Samuels.
Too young.
And too clever.
Patrick Woolton.
Bit of a lout.
Bit of a bully-boy.
Yes, it could well be Woolton.
Henry Collingridge.
The people's favourite.
A well-meaning fool.
No background and no bottom.
What, me? Oh, no, no, no.
I'm the Chief Whip.
Merely a functionary.
I keep the troops in line.
I put a bit of stick about, make 'em jump.
I shall give my absolute loyalty to whoever emerges as my leader.
You'll have to excuse me now.
Henry Collingridge is Britain's new Prime Minister.
Today Henry Collingridge emerged as the popular choice to lead his party as Prime Minister in the general election.
Mr Collingridge, 48 years old, has served as Minister for the Environment and Minister for Inner City Growth, and has been described as the acceptable face of capitalism.
Welllet's see how he does.
Throughout the span of this government, we have transformed this country beyond all recognition.
We are now a nation of property owners, a nation of shareholders, a proud nation of men and women who know how to get off their backsides and help themselves.
We have achieved all that we set out to achieve.
Now is the time when we can afford to share our hard-won gains with those less successful than ourselves.
And now, let our watchword be this.
Let's find the right way for all of our people to come together.
Bloody nonsense.
All come together? Sounds like a motto of a knocking-shop in Marrakech.
Dear old Patrick.
Knocking-shop in Marrakech! Very wide of the mark.
Our esteemed new leader wouldn't know a knocking-shop if he saw one.
His morality is strictly backstreet Sunday school hypocritical cant picked up in Peterborough or Rugeley or some such God-awful place.
Not that one holds that against him, but we started something when we let fellows like that climb up the greasy pole.
Good boy.
My own background, as you see, is somewhat different.
But privilege carries responsibility.
I am a loyal servant of the state and proud to be so.
Besides, I may not think highly of Henry Collingridge, but I believe he thinks highly of me.
I have hopes of high office, I confess.
I have been promised as much by him.
But first things first.
We have a general election to win.
Good evening, and welcome to "Election Special".
The polling stations have just closed, and we have a long night ahead of us.
Early indications are that the government will be returned with a reduced majority.
For he's a jolly good fellow! For he's a jolly good fellow! And so say all of us! - Ghastly people.
- OUR people.
What was that frightful woman saying? Wanted the smack of firm government.
She wanted YOU to smack her bottom.
I could see that much.
What is Collingridge going to do for you? I don't know.
Perhaps nothing.
- I've done enough for him.
- More than he deserves.
That woman thought I should be Prime Minister.
"Glamis and Cawdor, and King hereafter".
I think that you should be Prime Minister.
You're twice the man Collingridge is, or ever will be.
Well, yes, my wife is very loyal.
A politician needs a wife - and other people, too, regrettably.
A man of state needs helpers, little elves and sprites to do his bidding.
Even unwitting pawns who don't know who they serve.
Roger O'Neill, the party's Publicity Director, Lord Billsborough's right-hand man.
Jesus, Roger! Ah, but that sidestep.
Magical.
I had Phil Bennett with that at Lansdowne Road.
Open the window, Rog.
Where were you, anyway? Picking something up to celebrate with.
Has his little weaknesses.
Very warm nature.
Veryhuman.
But I don't mind that.
They make him more They make him easier to deal with.
Of course, one needs a sympathetic ear amongst the ladies and gentlemen of the press, those valiant seekers after truth.
As we wait to go over to Torbay for the first result, let's see what the countrywide swing would look like if our exit poll is correct.
An overall majority of 31 seats would mean that the political map of Great Britain would look like this.
Jesus! What's this? We backed those bastards.
- Why can't they deliver? - They won't lose.
Starting with a majority of 100 and losing 70-odd seats isn't a vote of confidence.
Never a word in the polls.
Nobody forecast this.
Greville, I told you it'll be closer than the polls said.
They're not coming out for Collingridge.
Thank you very much, Mattie.
That's extremely helpful at this juncture What are we going to do? Christ, look.
"Home & Dry.
" Home and bloody dry.
- BrilliantWho wrote that nonsense? - I thought you did, Greville.
It was dictated to me over the phone by our proprietor, Mr Benjamin Landless.
Even he wouldn't want the late edition to go out looking like that.
Mattie? Any thoughts? Government Majority Slashed.
Back In By A Whisker.
I'm Still Standing - But Only Just.
It's YOUR job on the bloody line as well.
Greville, we can afford to wait a bit.
It's only 20 minutes till the first result.
Don't worry.
I'll be back in just a sec.
Come here, you.
- Jeremy is scared shitless.
- I told him it'd be close.
And I've told him that our analysis will show how his ads zapped the target voters in every category.
So if we win, headquarters will know they owe it all to us.
And if we lose If we lose, everyone will say we ran the best campaign ever and the lousy politicians blew it.
Rog, are you OK? Bloody hay fever.
Fine.
Fine! Never better.
Oh, Lord.
I think this is it.
- Terry Aloysius Alabaster - Happy Sunshine Party.
.
.
43 votes.
Labour.
.
.
sixteen thousand, three hundred and fourteen.
- George Timothy Granville Green - Conservative.
.
.
twenty-three thousand, seven hundred and eighty-five.
What's 23,000? Eight per cent swing.
Majority of 30 or so, just what they forecast in the exit poll.
We're all right.
We've just about saved our bacon.
Well done, Roger! Well done indeed! If that doesn't get you a knighthood, what will? Didn't mean to interrupt.
- My assistant, Penny Guy.
- Delighted.
So you assist young Roger? What exactly do you assist him with? Just about anything at all.
I say! Shall I, er? Oh, about15 minutes.
Right.
Bye.
You don't have an arrangement for leasing her out, do you? Excuse me, sir.
It's all right.
I'm Charles Collingridge.
- Here is my membership card.
- I'm sorry, sir.
Erm It's all right, Constable.
Ah, Teddy.
I've got myself into a pickle.
- Come on, Charles.
- I'm sorry, sir.
Sir, the Prime Minister's expected in five minutes.
Well, boys, we're back.
They're all here.
Is it all right for a chap to come and drink his brother's health? Absolutely, Charles.
We're delighted to see you.
- Where's Hal? - On his way, Charles.
Soon be here.
Hal? It could have been worse.
- Atchoo! - Mr O'Neill! - Mr O'Neill! - Who is it? The Prime Minister's office.
I can't hear you.
It's the Prime Minister for you, Mr O'Neill! Hello.
Yes, this is Roger O'Neill.
Thank you.
Just putting me through.
Prime Minister! Many congratulations, and how very good of you it is to call.
And then I'd like to lick it all off very, very slowly.
Thank you very much, Prime Minister.
That'll be very much appreciated.
Did I say that this would be taking place in the fifth-year dorm at Benenden? I'm overwhelmed.
May I tell them that? The Prime Minister just wants me to thank you on his behalf for running such a fabulous campaign, and he's not going to ask for his money back.
- Well done! - Thank you, Bertie.
- Well done, Michael.
- Thanks, Lucy.
Isn't he lovely? - Many congratulations, Michael.
- Thank you, Francis.
So sorry.
Please let me get you another one.
Charles Collingridge.
I've asked Francis Urquhart to keep an eye on him.
Urquhart? Hardly see him as a natural nursemaid.
Not so sure.
He's got a good heart but he won't stand for bloody nonsense.
Ideal nursemaid in my opinion.
- He's a bore.
- Damn good thing.
Dull dog, but sound as a bell.
He doesn't care much for me.
You're younger than he is.
You're clever, and you make no effort to hide it.
You're better looking than he is.
- And I'm Jewish.
- Well, quite.
The odd thing about Francis Urquhart is, he'd never stab you in the back, however much he disliked you.
Not many left like Urquhart.
A dying breed, more's the pity.
Teddy? He's here.
- Coming down? - I'll wait up here.
Thank you all so much.
You've been magnificent.
- How's it looking? - 24, possibly 25.
- As bad as that? - It's a majority.
Five more years.
Yes.
- Francis! - Welcome back, Prime Minister.
I've had one or two thoughts about the new cabinet.
I'm sure you have, Francis.
Good man.
- Come round first thing in the morning.
- My pleasure.
Hal! It's me! Oh, God, Charlie.
Not tonight.
Don't worry.
I'll look after him.
Charlie! I've been hoping for a word all night.
Francis.
Francis Urquhart.
My dear old friend.
Do you know what I feel like doing? - Getting rat-arsed? - Exactly.
I know a good place round the corner.
Splendid.
Two good chaps getting rat-arsed together.
Surprised? Well, everybody can be valuable.
That's my philosophy.
Mr Urquhart! Mr Urquhart! No, no, no.
Nothing to report.
Oh, hello, Charles.
I hope you had a little bet on the winning team.
You understand I really can't Does the new cabinet have a job for you? I advise the Prime Minister on many matters, and my advice is confidential.
Word is that you're in line for a senior cabinet position.
Is that so? Don't expect me to comment on rumours or to keep my Prime Minister waiting.
Thank you very much, gentlemen, ladies.
Mr Urquhart! Mr Urquhart, can I have a word? Sorry to keep you waiting, Chief Whip.
He's ready for you now.
Come up.
Thank you.
Prime Minister Teddy.
Didn't realise you'd be here.
Pull up a chair, Francis.
Now, I've had a careful look at this memorandum of yours.
You're proposing a very radical change.
- I'd like you to tell me why.
- Well, er - Just in general terms.
- All right.
We have been in power longer than any party since the war.
It's a new challenge.
We need to show we're not stagnating, we're capable of self-renewal.
Your own succession to the leadership is a good example of that sort of thing.
And you want to see more of "that sort of thing"? We've had a clear indication that people are looking for change.
You think so? The new names you've put forward are not on the liberal wing of the party.
- Wouldn't you agree, Francis? - No one from the radical right, either.
They're all good, sound men.
Good, sound men from the Shires.
Guaranteed to do what they're told? Men who have been bred and educated in a tradition of public service and have proved their reliability over long years.
Yes, that is another way of putting it.
I see you're offering your own services in high office.
You will remember, Prime Minister, that some months ago we talked about the possibility that there might be a senior ministerial post.
Yes, I do remember that.
Thing do change so very quickly in politics, don't they, Francis? I'm very grateful indeed for your suggestions, but we disagree with you.
Do you remember Macmillan, the Night of the Long Knives? Sacked a third of his cabinet.
Destroyed his government in the process.
He was out within a year, Francis.
Nowhere is what I have in mind.
As you see, no cabinet changes at all.
It'll be seen for what it is a sign of strength and sureness of purpose.
I hope the parliamentary party will agree.
I count on you to press it home to them, as Chief Whip.
- I do assume I have your full support.
- Of course.
That goes without saying.
Good.
I still regard you as a candidate for high office, but you are the strongest and most deeply respected Chief Whip this party has had, I think I may say, since the war.
Such a slender majority.
A good Chief Whip is more important to me than a good Home Secretary.
You are too kind, Prime Minister.
Much too kind.
Nothing! Nothing! Not a damn thing! He had the gall to say he counted on my support! His fate was in my hands! Melodramatic twaddle.
Is it? What? Isn't theresome truth in it? - Isn't his fate in your hands? - No.
I'm in charge of discipline.
I can't deliver if my troops are disaffected.
But aren't they disaffected now? His weakness, his refusal to take responsibility for firm leadership, is going to bring this government down.
Yes.
And sooner rather than later, in my view.
- Unless - Unless he were to relinquish the leadership.
He won't do that.
Unless a better man were to take the leadership from him.
Have you any idea what that would involve? No, but I would imagine that you have a very good idea, Francis.
And I know that you're capable of doing whatever is necessary.
- We're not expecting anyone, are we? - No.
I'll go.
Mr Urquhart.
Mattie Storin, "Chronicle".
Sorry.
I've been trying to contact you.
I'd appreciate help in understanding the thinking behind the lack of cabinet changes.
I don't mean to be rude.
No comment.
Great story.
You wouldn't like us to run it.
I beg your pardon? What story? "Last night there were signs of deep division in the highest party circles.
"Francis Urquhart, the Chief Whip, who has been denied promotion again, "refused to comment on or defend the Prime Minister's decision.
" I know you.
The new girl Greville took on when they pensioned off Cecil Roach.
I'm the newish political correspondent on the "Chronicle".
Yes.
Quite.
Do come inside, Miss Storin.
Oh, let me take your coat.
Good evening.
Good evening, Mrs Urquhart.
Miss Storin.
A journalist.
We'll talk in my study, Elizabeth.
My wife likes to listen to Wagner.
Do come in.
- Drink? - Whatever you're having.
- Whisky.
All right? - Thank you.
Bruichcladdichif you know your malts.
Thank you.
Do sit down.
Well, now Mr Urquhart, in my piece I'll faithfully record your public loyalty to the Prime Minister and your defence of his actions - or, in this case, lack of actions.
But I want to understand what people are really thinking.
I want to know what you really feel.
I think you'd like to talk to me, in confidence, on lobby terms.
- What makes you think that? - You didn't have to let me in.
You could have phoned Greville Preston and complained about my harassment and threatened him, and he'd listen.
Everyone knows that threats from Francis Urquhart are not idle threats.
- Good.
- If I betray your confidence, you could have me sacked and unemployable within the week.
- I'm going to confide in you, am I? - I hope so.
Everyone says, "Francis Urquhart could tell you the answer, but he won't.
" Well, at this stage in my career, I need to understand more than I need scoops.
I need a friend in high places, Mr Urquhart.
And I think you'd like to talk to me.
And nobody knows I'm here tonight.
And nobody will.
Perhaps you'd like to ask me questions, Miss Storin.
Mattie, please.
Yes.
Mattie.
There really is a lot of rivalry and dissent within the cabinet, isn't there? Some elements of the party, some elements in the cabinet, are deeply distressed.
They don't think the PM has what it takes for a full five-year term.
They see a leadership crisis looming.
The more ambitious of them want to be well placed when it comes.
They're not thinking about the good of the party or the good of the country, but about the next leadership race.
One might say the same about the Prime Minister.
He's thinking about his survival.
- Not the good of the country.
- You might say that.
I couldn't.
If one word of this is linked with my I am a lobby correspondent.
Don't worry.
It's "senior party members and sources close to the Prime Minister".
Good.
Very good.
Could I ask you why you've decided to talk to me? You don't usually give interviews at all.
Let's say you turned up at the right time.
No, no, that's not fair.
Things need to be aired publicly.
I've read your stuff.
It's very good.
I think I can trust you to be honest.
Perhaps you haven't been here long enough to be corrupted.
Thank you.
I hope I never will be.
Could I ask you, if the Prime Minister is experiencing discord, shouldn't he sack the dissidents? Get in new people and fresh policies.
You might think so, but it isn't so easy.
He's not certain where the danger lies.
A flurry of changes might look like panic.
- That's the officialview.
- You don't agree? Of course I agree.
I have to agree.
You, on the other hand, might feel that if you were the captain of the Titanic, you wouldn't say, "Steady as she goes.
" Should he? I don't know how to put it in a way that you'll be able to answer.
Try.
If I were captain of the Titanic, which of my senior officers should I be worried about? "Beware of an old man in a hurry.
" Have you heard that phrase, Mattie? Lord Billsborough.
But he's Collingridge's closest adviser.
He can't still think he could be leader? Not at his age, not from the Lords.
So? He doesn't want it for himself.
He wants to pull the strings.
He wants the party leadership for a protégé.
You might think that.
I couldn't possibly comment.
- Michael Samuels? - You might think that.
Lord Billsborough is setting up Collingridge as an Aunt Sally so that Michael Samuels can take his place.
You might think that.
I couldn't possibly comment.
And how do you feel about all this? Oh, I'm just the Chief Whip, Mattie.
My feelings are neither here nor there.
I look after morale of the back-benchers, keep them up to the mark, listen to their problems, help them out when I can, administer kicks up the backside when indicated.
Just like a prefect, head of house.
I'm sorry.
That sounds cheeky.
Not at all.
That's exactly what it's like.
Everyone says you're very good at it.
I believe I am, Mattie.
I believe I am.
- Thank you for your time.
- Not at all.
Well? Interesting girl.
Clever.
- Not TOO clever? - No.
Just clever enough, I should say.
She might be the little friend you need.
A political correspondent with her way to make.
No, Prime Minister, I haven't seen the papers yet.
Yes.
"Speculation that the Prime Minister was unlikely to fight another election.
"Ministers manoeuvring for position in the event of a leadership struggle.
" It's insubstantial.
Someone's flying a kite.
Someone's bloody well making mischief.
"Lord Billsborough dismissed any suggestion of a leadership election.
"However, the Party Chairman would be crucial during a leadership race.
"Billsborough is known to be close to Michael Samuels, "who could be one of the contenders.
" Dammit, Francis.
This is the "Chronicle".
They're supposed to be our people.
Quite right.
Leave this with me.
I'll get on to Greville Preston and find out who's been telling tales, or we'll go to Ben Landless.
Absolutely right.
We don't need this from the "Chronicle.
" Leave it with me.
Thank you, Francis.
I'm very grateful for your support.
Not at all.
Goodbye.
Now, then, Mr Stoat.
You seem to have got yourself into a bit of a mess, and you haven't done a lot for the image of the party, have you? No, Chief Whip.
I'd like to say how terribly sorry I am You should have thought of that before.
Can we do anything for him, Stamper? Not easy, Chief Whip.
The sergeant is reluctant to believe our friend here stopped his car to ask the way to his own constituency.
Dear God.
- I'm awfully - Do shut up, Stoat.
I did persuade him to stretch a point.
He won't be proceeding.
Really? Oh, my gosh.
I can't begin to tell you how grateful Stoat, you've been lucky.
I heard you're thinking of abstaining on the second reading of the environment bill.
- Don't.
- No.
No, of course not.
Stoat, be off.
Try not to be such a fool.
If you must use whores, for God's sake go to a decent knocking-shop where they understand discretion.
- Stamper will give you a list.
- Yes, right.
Thank you very much.
I'm very I mean, if ever there's anything, anything at all - Yes, yes, yes.
Off you go now.
- Goodbye.
And, well Thanks again.
What a frightful little man.
Where do they find them these days? God knows.
If I had a dog like that, I'd shoot it.
Yes, quite.
- Roger O'Neill's in the outer office.
- Oh, yes.
I think I'll make this one a private chat, Stamper.
Whatever you say.
Roger.
- Good to see you.
Squash sometime? - I'd like that very much.
- Roger.
- Good morning, Francis.
- I'll be on my way.
- All right.
Have a seat, Roger.
Good of you to come in.
Drink? It's a bit early for me, but if you're offering - Whisky? - Sure.
Why not? Wanted to thank you for the good job you did in the run-up to the election.
One or two wanted to make you a scapegoat, but I'd have none of that.
- Neither would the PM.
- I hadn't realised anyone blamed me.
- You're not having one yourself? - It is a bit early in the day for me.
You've been a bit of a bad lad, Roger.
- What? - You've had your hand in the till.
- Francis, you're joking - Expenses are paid by Central Office.
You've been claiming quite large sums from the advertising agency as well.
- It's a bit naughty, Roger.
- Ah, that.
It's perfectly simple, Francis.
Accounting at Smith Square is so slow.
I'd wait months to get my money back.
It's much simpler to get it from the agency.
I've never taken a penny in expenses that wasn't absolutely legitimate, Francis.
Not a single penny.
I swear on my mother's grave.
ã22,370 in the last ten months, I make it.
Here we are.
Have a look at the figures.
Might be slightly out, but not by more than a tenner or so.
Bit steep for a few lunches, wouldn't you say? It's all Atchoo! Atchoo! Cocaine's awfully expensive, isn't it? Is it worth it? They say it makes a good man brilliant.
If that's so, you must be a genius.
Francis, you must believe me.
I haven't got a problem.
I'm not addicted.
I just use it occasionally for recreational purposes and when I have to work late.
I understand, Roger.
But there are not many who would.
And I know this sounds old-fashioned, but isn't it illegal? - What are you going to do? - I know what we SHOULD do.
Write off the money as a bad debt and toss you overboard.
But I must have a soft spot for you.
I'll bail you out.
I'll save your bacon.
And in return I want your absolute, unquestioning loyalty.
Yes.
Yes, of course.
To me personally, not to the Chairman.
I need someone I can trust to keep an eye on things and help out in general.
- Anything, Francis.
Anything at all.
- All right, Roger.
Now, listen to me very carefully.
Why do we consort with socialists tonight? Isn't that against the rules? Not a bit of it.
Steve Kendrick's not bad.
We used to work together years ago.
He's going to be pleased with me tonight.
Flash git, don't you think? Fancies himself.
- Fancies you, too.
- Everybody fancies me, except you.
Here he comes.
Teeth and tits.
One for you, and one for you.
- I gather you've got something for me.
- Yes.
How do you fancy being the star of Prime Minister's Question Time? Mr Kendrick! Number six, sir.
I refer the Honourable Member to the reply I gave some moments ago.
Mr Kendrick! Will the Prime Minister explain to the House why he is not going ahead with the hospital expansion programme? I note the Honourable Member's concern with the health service.
I remind him that under this government the health service has enjoyed an annual increase of 7%.
7% in real terms.
Furthermore, the health service has benefited more than any other service from our determination to reduce inflation and to operate in a sensible and cost-efficient way.
- Answer the question! - That is what I'm doing.
This government made a commitment to expand the hospital building programme.
It is not this government's practice to discuss the specifics It is not this government's practice to discuss the specifics of new spending plans in terms of precise dates.
Order! Order! - I refuse - Order! I am not prepared I am not prepared - I refuse to - Order! Order! Order! Order! How did that bastard Kendrick know? The cabinet didn't know till this morning.
No time.
It must have leaked out of yesterday's cabinet committee meeting.
Peter McKenzie was upset about cuts.
He wouldn't leak to an opposition MP.
Then who did? I want him found.
I want an example made of the bastard.
I think it was someone who wanted to make things difficult for you.
That's why it was leaked to Kendrick rather than the press.
It may be someone very close to you.
Someone you've always trusted and who now wants to break you.
Henry, I've just heard.
I came straight over.
Later, Teddy, if you'd be so good.
Ijust have to chew over a few things with Francis here.
Yes.
Yes, of course.
I'll .
.
come back later, then.
Those of us who care for the nation's defence have been astonished to hear that confidential documents have been left in a public house.
And they have rather less surprisingly found their way into the pages of the "Independent" newspaper.
We have been gravely alarmed to read in these documents of huge, unnecessary and positively dangerous cuts in the Territorial Army establishment.
Does the Prime Minister understand the damage that will be done to the government's support? Will the Leader of the House allow time to debate and to reverse this decision? Hear, hear! I remind my Right Honourable Friend that to discuss the contents of this stolen document is tantamount to condoning theft.
- Point of order, Mr Speaker! - Point of order.
Sir Jasper Grainger.
Would you not agree, Mr Speaker, that not to discuss the content of this stolen document would be a breach of faith, a betrayal by the government of its supporters? Mr Speaker, my Right Honourable Friends and I have listened to the mood of the House.
In the light of representations put from all sides today, the government, which prides itself on being a listening government Order! The government will temporarily .
.
rescind the cuts while it takes a further look at the whole question.
Resign! - Resign! - Order! Order! Mr Urquhart! Mr Urquhart! - Could you spare me a few seconds? - Ah, Miss Storin.
Yes, I think I could.
Let's go over there.
I've been following your work.
So has the Prime Minister, though he's not quite such an admirer.
- He had a terrible day today.
- A Prime Minister can change his mind.
Though we're not often privileged to see him do it in public.
Well, it'll all blow over, I dare say.
Will it? Two major leaks in less than a month.
Where are they from? I don't know.
I'm responsible for the back-benchers, not the cabinet.
I dare say I'll be asked to find out.
The leaks are coming out of the cabinet? The Prime Minister is investigating his own closest colleagues? You might think that.
I couldn't possibly comment.
Thank you.
All right! Don't tell me about it! DO something about it! That is exactly what is wrong with this goddamn country.
Everyone wants to give you their analysis of what's wrong and why nothing ever goddamn works! Nobody wants to get off their butt and MAKE the goddamn thing work! London! Jesus! I'd rather run a business in the Solomon Islands! Thoughts of a newspaper proprietor.
- He may be right.
Oh, God! - What are you working on? It's a thing about the leaks.
Urquhart's leading the witch-hunt.
I do think he has a sort of I don't know.
.
.
magnetism about him.
Kissinger syndrome.
The aphrodisiac effect of power.
- I guess that must be it.
- Not much chance for the likes of me.
Women don't tremble at the unbridled domination of the deputy editor.
Well, no.
You've got a nice face, though.
I don't know what's the matter with him, Francis.
I feel he's not listening.
As though he doesn't trust me any more.
He owes it all to you.
He recognises that.
But he doesn't trust any of us any more.
It's very distressing.
How can we help the man when he won't let us help him? Well, I'll continue to put the fear of God into the troops as long as I can.
But there comes a time.
.
Not yet, of course.
Yes, yes, yes, quite.
You will keep me informed, won't you, Francis? Now more than ever he needs wise counsel.
Of course I will, Teddy.
Goodbye, now.
I think Lord Billsborough's losing touch.
Shame.
Was a hell of an operator in his day.
Well, work to do.
Well, yes.
A couple of leaks are all very well, but it takes more than that.
A big scandal, perhaps.
A political scandal.
Or a scandal about something people really understand.
Sex.
Or money.
ã50,000, Mr Urquhart.
It's a very generous donation, Mr Jhabwala.
We don't often see such large sums in cash.
I'm a little old-fashioned.
I prefer to trust cash rather than cashiers.
Strictly speaking, you should hand it to the Party Treasurer, not to me.
But you are my Member of Parliament, Mr Urquhart.
I know you.
I trust you.
Oh, I'm sure the Party Treasurer is an excellent man.
But you, Mr Urquhart you are my friend.
Well, I'm very touched, erm And no, I hope to gain nothing.
Exceptmy wife and I would be thrilled to meet the Prime Minister if he should ever visit the constituency.
I'm sure that can be arranged.
Accommodation address.
Three months' payment in advance.
- Fine.
You're working round here now? - Yeah, that's right.
- And the name is? - Collingridge.
C Collingridge.
Right.
I might look you up myself one of these days.
Do you specialise at all, like? Yeah.
Verbal abuse, colonic irrigation.
- Bye, then.
- Bye.
Nasty little man.
It was all right, though? Yes.
Couldn't Charlie Collingridge do it? It's a waste of money paying me 18 grand to run errands.
- I'm supposed to be the brains.
- You are.
You are, I swear it.
Well, what's he want it for? Don't tell me he's going on the game.
Hardly.
PM's brother needs to be careful.
I don't know what it's for.
Spanking mags? - Using his real name? - Ours is not to reason why.
We're doing a favour.
The request came from the top.
We don't breathe a word.
- You wish to open the account with? - ã50,000.
- Excellent.
- In cash.
Excellent.
A high-interest current account, sir? No.
I shan't draw on it immediately.
- Could I purchase shares through you? - But of course.
It would be a pleasure.
Mendox Chemicals.
20,000.
You should be able to get them for about 240 pence.
UmI'm rather pressed for time.
Could I leave that with you? We should be able to confirm it by four.
Excellent.
Thank you very much.
Not at all, Mr Collingridge.
A pleasure.
Junior Minister of Health, Mrs Makepeace.
Mr Speaker, I'd like to make a statement.
The Department of Health, on the advice of the Chief Medical Officer, has today licensed three new drugs.
Cybernox, manufactured by Mendox Chemical Company, with general application in the treatment of rheumatoid arthritis Charles Collingridge here.
You opened an account for me last week.
I'm afraid I've had to alter my plans.
Negotiations on the hotel in Turkey have fallen through, and I'm flying back to Kenya at the end of the week.
Well, can't be helped.
Had a bit of luck with those Mendox shares, though.
Should clear 9 or 10,000 on them.
Can you sell those today at anything over 295? I'll come in tomorrow morning to close the account.
Can you send a closing statement to my London address? Charles Collingridge, 216 Praed Street, W2.
Thank you for all your help.
Goodbye.
- Not working this morning, Francis? - Oh, yes, Elizabeth, I am working.
I'm working very well, as a matter of fact.
Very good of you to come in, Humphrey.
I didn't feel comfortable with this money.
50,000.
What's he hoping to get? Five minutes with the PM, he says.
Bit more than the going rate, isn't it? I'll write to Mr Jhabwala today.
Chaps like him should be encouraged.
- Indeed.
- I'll see the PM is informed.
About time he heard a bit of good news.
Mr Urquhart.
Good morning, Mattie.
I couldn't believe it when you said "roof garden".
I'd no idea it was here.
Surprisingly few people know about it.
Good place to get away from the rabble.
So, what was it, Mattie? Thanks for your help over the last couple of months.
Must be glad they're over.
Well, we've known easier times.
What makes you think the summer's going to be any better for us? What do you mean? Can I say something in absolute confidence, not even on lobby terms? Yes.
Yes, of course you can.
I've heard that the tabloids are going to mount a personal attack on the PM.
- A nasty one.
They'll use his brother.
- His brother? Charles Collingridge.
You know him? Between the two of us, he's a liability.
Alcohol problem.
Debts everywhere.
When he's had too much to drink, he's not sure of his sexual orientation.
See the problem? If the PM disowns his brother, he's a heartless bastard.
If he stands by him, he's a security risk.
That's how they'll play it.
Why are you telling me? Because I think you're a responsible and honourable journalist.
I trust you.
And well, because I think we're going to need all the friends we can get.
There isn't any chance he's involved in something unsavoury with his brother? Oh, no.
No, I'm sure there isn't.
He's fond of his brother, but he's not a complete fool.
You'd have to say that.
You'd cover up for him even if there was something.
Perhaps.
But there isn't, is there? He seems to need a lot of propping up.
Well, that's all part of my job.
And it's all worth it, wouldn't you say? Since you ask, no.
I think there's at least one man who'd make a better leader.
You might think that, Mattie.
I couldn't possibly comment.
Even the longest, most glittering reign must come to an end some day.
Who could replace her? Plenty of contenders.
Old warriors, young pretenders.
Lord Billsborough, say.
Party Chairman.
Too old and too familiar.
Tainted by a thousand shabby deals.
Michael Samuels.
Too young.
And too clever.
Patrick Woolton.
Bit of a lout.
Bit of a bully-boy.
Yes, it could well be Woolton.
Henry Collingridge.
The people's favourite.
A well-meaning fool.
No background and no bottom.
What, me? Oh, no, no, no.
I'm the Chief Whip.
Merely a functionary.
I keep the troops in line.
I put a bit of stick about, make 'em jump.
I shall give my absolute loyalty to whoever emerges as my leader.
You'll have to excuse me now.
Henry Collingridge is Britain's new Prime Minister.
Today Henry Collingridge emerged as the popular choice to lead his party as Prime Minister in the general election.
Mr Collingridge, 48 years old, has served as Minister for the Environment and Minister for Inner City Growth, and has been described as the acceptable face of capitalism.
Welllet's see how he does.
Throughout the span of this government, we have transformed this country beyond all recognition.
We are now a nation of property owners, a nation of shareholders, a proud nation of men and women who know how to get off their backsides and help themselves.
We have achieved all that we set out to achieve.
Now is the time when we can afford to share our hard-won gains with those less successful than ourselves.
And now, let our watchword be this.
Let's find the right way for all of our people to come together.
Bloody nonsense.
All come together? Sounds like a motto of a knocking-shop in Marrakech.
Dear old Patrick.
Knocking-shop in Marrakech! Very wide of the mark.
Our esteemed new leader wouldn't know a knocking-shop if he saw one.
His morality is strictly backstreet Sunday school hypocritical cant picked up in Peterborough or Rugeley or some such God-awful place.
Not that one holds that against him, but we started something when we let fellows like that climb up the greasy pole.
Good boy.
My own background, as you see, is somewhat different.
But privilege carries responsibility.
I am a loyal servant of the state and proud to be so.
Besides, I may not think highly of Henry Collingridge, but I believe he thinks highly of me.
I have hopes of high office, I confess.
I have been promised as much by him.
But first things first.
We have a general election to win.
Good evening, and welcome to "Election Special".
The polling stations have just closed, and we have a long night ahead of us.
Early indications are that the government will be returned with a reduced majority.
For he's a jolly good fellow! For he's a jolly good fellow! And so say all of us! - Ghastly people.
- OUR people.
What was that frightful woman saying? Wanted the smack of firm government.
She wanted YOU to smack her bottom.
I could see that much.
What is Collingridge going to do for you? I don't know.
Perhaps nothing.
- I've done enough for him.
- More than he deserves.
That woman thought I should be Prime Minister.
"Glamis and Cawdor, and King hereafter".
I think that you should be Prime Minister.
You're twice the man Collingridge is, or ever will be.
Well, yes, my wife is very loyal.
A politician needs a wife - and other people, too, regrettably.
A man of state needs helpers, little elves and sprites to do his bidding.
Even unwitting pawns who don't know who they serve.
Roger O'Neill, the party's Publicity Director, Lord Billsborough's right-hand man.
Jesus, Roger! Ah, but that sidestep.
Magical.
I had Phil Bennett with that at Lansdowne Road.
Open the window, Rog.
Where were you, anyway? Picking something up to celebrate with.
Has his little weaknesses.
Very warm nature.
Veryhuman.
But I don't mind that.
They make him more They make him easier to deal with.
Of course, one needs a sympathetic ear amongst the ladies and gentlemen of the press, those valiant seekers after truth.
As we wait to go over to Torbay for the first result, let's see what the countrywide swing would look like if our exit poll is correct.
An overall majority of 31 seats would mean that the political map of Great Britain would look like this.
Jesus! What's this? We backed those bastards.
- Why can't they deliver? - They won't lose.
Starting with a majority of 100 and losing 70-odd seats isn't a vote of confidence.
Never a word in the polls.
Nobody forecast this.
Greville, I told you it'll be closer than the polls said.
They're not coming out for Collingridge.
Thank you very much, Mattie.
That's extremely helpful at this juncture What are we going to do? Christ, look.
"Home & Dry.
" Home and bloody dry.
- BrilliantWho wrote that nonsense? - I thought you did, Greville.
It was dictated to me over the phone by our proprietor, Mr Benjamin Landless.
Even he wouldn't want the late edition to go out looking like that.
Mattie? Any thoughts? Government Majority Slashed.
Back In By A Whisker.
I'm Still Standing - But Only Just.
It's YOUR job on the bloody line as well.
Greville, we can afford to wait a bit.
It's only 20 minutes till the first result.
Don't worry.
I'll be back in just a sec.
Come here, you.
- Jeremy is scared shitless.
- I told him it'd be close.
And I've told him that our analysis will show how his ads zapped the target voters in every category.
So if we win, headquarters will know they owe it all to us.
And if we lose If we lose, everyone will say we ran the best campaign ever and the lousy politicians blew it.
Rog, are you OK? Bloody hay fever.
Fine.
Fine! Never better.
Oh, Lord.
I think this is it.
- Terry Aloysius Alabaster - Happy Sunshine Party.
.
.
43 votes.
Labour.
.
.
sixteen thousand, three hundred and fourteen.
- George Timothy Granville Green - Conservative.
.
.
twenty-three thousand, seven hundred and eighty-five.
What's 23,000? Eight per cent swing.
Majority of 30 or so, just what they forecast in the exit poll.
We're all right.
We've just about saved our bacon.
Well done, Roger! Well done indeed! If that doesn't get you a knighthood, what will? Didn't mean to interrupt.
- My assistant, Penny Guy.
- Delighted.
So you assist young Roger? What exactly do you assist him with? Just about anything at all.
I say! Shall I, er? Oh, about15 minutes.
Right.
Bye.
You don't have an arrangement for leasing her out, do you? Excuse me, sir.
It's all right.
I'm Charles Collingridge.
- Here is my membership card.
- I'm sorry, sir.
Erm It's all right, Constable.
Ah, Teddy.
I've got myself into a pickle.
- Come on, Charles.
- I'm sorry, sir.
Sir, the Prime Minister's expected in five minutes.
Well, boys, we're back.
They're all here.
Is it all right for a chap to come and drink his brother's health? Absolutely, Charles.
We're delighted to see you.
- Where's Hal? - On his way, Charles.
Soon be here.
Hal? It could have been worse.
- Atchoo! - Mr O'Neill! - Mr O'Neill! - Who is it? The Prime Minister's office.
I can't hear you.
It's the Prime Minister for you, Mr O'Neill! Hello.
Yes, this is Roger O'Neill.
Thank you.
Just putting me through.
Prime Minister! Many congratulations, and how very good of you it is to call.
And then I'd like to lick it all off very, very slowly.
Thank you very much, Prime Minister.
That'll be very much appreciated.
Did I say that this would be taking place in the fifth-year dorm at Benenden? I'm overwhelmed.
May I tell them that? The Prime Minister just wants me to thank you on his behalf for running such a fabulous campaign, and he's not going to ask for his money back.
- Well done! - Thank you, Bertie.
- Well done, Michael.
- Thanks, Lucy.
Isn't he lovely? - Many congratulations, Michael.
- Thank you, Francis.
So sorry.
Please let me get you another one.
Charles Collingridge.
I've asked Francis Urquhart to keep an eye on him.
Urquhart? Hardly see him as a natural nursemaid.
Not so sure.
He's got a good heart but he won't stand for bloody nonsense.
Ideal nursemaid in my opinion.
- He's a bore.
- Damn good thing.
Dull dog, but sound as a bell.
He doesn't care much for me.
You're younger than he is.
You're clever, and you make no effort to hide it.
You're better looking than he is.
- And I'm Jewish.
- Well, quite.
The odd thing about Francis Urquhart is, he'd never stab you in the back, however much he disliked you.
Not many left like Urquhart.
A dying breed, more's the pity.
Teddy? He's here.
- Coming down? - I'll wait up here.
Thank you all so much.
You've been magnificent.
- How's it looking? - 24, possibly 25.
- As bad as that? - It's a majority.
Five more years.
Yes.
- Francis! - Welcome back, Prime Minister.
I've had one or two thoughts about the new cabinet.
I'm sure you have, Francis.
Good man.
- Come round first thing in the morning.
- My pleasure.
Hal! It's me! Oh, God, Charlie.
Not tonight.
Don't worry.
I'll look after him.
Charlie! I've been hoping for a word all night.
Francis.
Francis Urquhart.
My dear old friend.
Do you know what I feel like doing? - Getting rat-arsed? - Exactly.
I know a good place round the corner.
Splendid.
Two good chaps getting rat-arsed together.
Surprised? Well, everybody can be valuable.
That's my philosophy.
Mr Urquhart! Mr Urquhart! No, no, no.
Nothing to report.
Oh, hello, Charles.
I hope you had a little bet on the winning team.
You understand I really can't Does the new cabinet have a job for you? I advise the Prime Minister on many matters, and my advice is confidential.
Word is that you're in line for a senior cabinet position.
Is that so? Don't expect me to comment on rumours or to keep my Prime Minister waiting.
Thank you very much, gentlemen, ladies.
Mr Urquhart! Mr Urquhart, can I have a word? Sorry to keep you waiting, Chief Whip.
He's ready for you now.
Come up.
Thank you.
Prime Minister Teddy.
Didn't realise you'd be here.
Pull up a chair, Francis.
Now, I've had a careful look at this memorandum of yours.
You're proposing a very radical change.
- I'd like you to tell me why.
- Well, er - Just in general terms.
- All right.
We have been in power longer than any party since the war.
It's a new challenge.
We need to show we're not stagnating, we're capable of self-renewal.
Your own succession to the leadership is a good example of that sort of thing.
And you want to see more of "that sort of thing"? We've had a clear indication that people are looking for change.
You think so? The new names you've put forward are not on the liberal wing of the party.
- Wouldn't you agree, Francis? - No one from the radical right, either.
They're all good, sound men.
Good, sound men from the Shires.
Guaranteed to do what they're told? Men who have been bred and educated in a tradition of public service and have proved their reliability over long years.
Yes, that is another way of putting it.
I see you're offering your own services in high office.
You will remember, Prime Minister, that some months ago we talked about the possibility that there might be a senior ministerial post.
Yes, I do remember that.
Thing do change so very quickly in politics, don't they, Francis? I'm very grateful indeed for your suggestions, but we disagree with you.
Do you remember Macmillan, the Night of the Long Knives? Sacked a third of his cabinet.
Destroyed his government in the process.
He was out within a year, Francis.
Nowhere is what I have in mind.
As you see, no cabinet changes at all.
It'll be seen for what it is a sign of strength and sureness of purpose.
I hope the parliamentary party will agree.
I count on you to press it home to them, as Chief Whip.
- I do assume I have your full support.
- Of course.
That goes without saying.
Good.
I still regard you as a candidate for high office, but you are the strongest and most deeply respected Chief Whip this party has had, I think I may say, since the war.
Such a slender majority.
A good Chief Whip is more important to me than a good Home Secretary.
You are too kind, Prime Minister.
Much too kind.
Nothing! Nothing! Not a damn thing! He had the gall to say he counted on my support! His fate was in my hands! Melodramatic twaddle.
Is it? What? Isn't theresome truth in it? - Isn't his fate in your hands? - No.
I'm in charge of discipline.
I can't deliver if my troops are disaffected.
But aren't they disaffected now? His weakness, his refusal to take responsibility for firm leadership, is going to bring this government down.
Yes.
And sooner rather than later, in my view.
- Unless - Unless he were to relinquish the leadership.
He won't do that.
Unless a better man were to take the leadership from him.
Have you any idea what that would involve? No, but I would imagine that you have a very good idea, Francis.
And I know that you're capable of doing whatever is necessary.
- We're not expecting anyone, are we? - No.
I'll go.
Mr Urquhart.
Mattie Storin, "Chronicle".
Sorry.
I've been trying to contact you.
I'd appreciate help in understanding the thinking behind the lack of cabinet changes.
I don't mean to be rude.
No comment.
Great story.
You wouldn't like us to run it.
I beg your pardon? What story? "Last night there were signs of deep division in the highest party circles.
"Francis Urquhart, the Chief Whip, who has been denied promotion again, "refused to comment on or defend the Prime Minister's decision.
" I know you.
The new girl Greville took on when they pensioned off Cecil Roach.
I'm the newish political correspondent on the "Chronicle".
Yes.
Quite.
Do come inside, Miss Storin.
Oh, let me take your coat.
Good evening.
Good evening, Mrs Urquhart.
Miss Storin.
A journalist.
We'll talk in my study, Elizabeth.
My wife likes to listen to Wagner.
Do come in.
- Drink? - Whatever you're having.
- Whisky.
All right? - Thank you.
Bruichcladdichif you know your malts.
Thank you.
Do sit down.
Well, now Mr Urquhart, in my piece I'll faithfully record your public loyalty to the Prime Minister and your defence of his actions - or, in this case, lack of actions.
But I want to understand what people are really thinking.
I want to know what you really feel.
I think you'd like to talk to me, in confidence, on lobby terms.
- What makes you think that? - You didn't have to let me in.
You could have phoned Greville Preston and complained about my harassment and threatened him, and he'd listen.
Everyone knows that threats from Francis Urquhart are not idle threats.
- Good.
- If I betray your confidence, you could have me sacked and unemployable within the week.
- I'm going to confide in you, am I? - I hope so.
Everyone says, "Francis Urquhart could tell you the answer, but he won't.
" Well, at this stage in my career, I need to understand more than I need scoops.
I need a friend in high places, Mr Urquhart.
And I think you'd like to talk to me.
And nobody knows I'm here tonight.
And nobody will.
Perhaps you'd like to ask me questions, Miss Storin.
Mattie, please.
Yes.
Mattie.
There really is a lot of rivalry and dissent within the cabinet, isn't there? Some elements of the party, some elements in the cabinet, are deeply distressed.
They don't think the PM has what it takes for a full five-year term.
They see a leadership crisis looming.
The more ambitious of them want to be well placed when it comes.
They're not thinking about the good of the party or the good of the country, but about the next leadership race.
One might say the same about the Prime Minister.
He's thinking about his survival.
- Not the good of the country.
- You might say that.
I couldn't.
If one word of this is linked with my I am a lobby correspondent.
Don't worry.
It's "senior party members and sources close to the Prime Minister".
Good.
Very good.
Could I ask you why you've decided to talk to me? You don't usually give interviews at all.
Let's say you turned up at the right time.
No, no, that's not fair.
Things need to be aired publicly.
I've read your stuff.
It's very good.
I think I can trust you to be honest.
Perhaps you haven't been here long enough to be corrupted.
Thank you.
I hope I never will be.
Could I ask you, if the Prime Minister is experiencing discord, shouldn't he sack the dissidents? Get in new people and fresh policies.
You might think so, but it isn't so easy.
He's not certain where the danger lies.
A flurry of changes might look like panic.
- That's the officialview.
- You don't agree? Of course I agree.
I have to agree.
You, on the other hand, might feel that if you were the captain of the Titanic, you wouldn't say, "Steady as she goes.
" Should he? I don't know how to put it in a way that you'll be able to answer.
Try.
If I were captain of the Titanic, which of my senior officers should I be worried about? "Beware of an old man in a hurry.
" Have you heard that phrase, Mattie? Lord Billsborough.
But he's Collingridge's closest adviser.
He can't still think he could be leader? Not at his age, not from the Lords.
So? He doesn't want it for himself.
He wants to pull the strings.
He wants the party leadership for a protégé.
You might think that.
I couldn't possibly comment.
- Michael Samuels? - You might think that.
Lord Billsborough is setting up Collingridge as an Aunt Sally so that Michael Samuels can take his place.
You might think that.
I couldn't possibly comment.
And how do you feel about all this? Oh, I'm just the Chief Whip, Mattie.
My feelings are neither here nor there.
I look after morale of the back-benchers, keep them up to the mark, listen to their problems, help them out when I can, administer kicks up the backside when indicated.
Just like a prefect, head of house.
I'm sorry.
That sounds cheeky.
Not at all.
That's exactly what it's like.
Everyone says you're very good at it.
I believe I am, Mattie.
I believe I am.
- Thank you for your time.
- Not at all.
Well? Interesting girl.
Clever.
- Not TOO clever? - No.
Just clever enough, I should say.
She might be the little friend you need.
A political correspondent with her way to make.
No, Prime Minister, I haven't seen the papers yet.
Yes.
"Speculation that the Prime Minister was unlikely to fight another election.
"Ministers manoeuvring for position in the event of a leadership struggle.
" It's insubstantial.
Someone's flying a kite.
Someone's bloody well making mischief.
"Lord Billsborough dismissed any suggestion of a leadership election.
"However, the Party Chairman would be crucial during a leadership race.
"Billsborough is known to be close to Michael Samuels, "who could be one of the contenders.
" Dammit, Francis.
This is the "Chronicle".
They're supposed to be our people.
Quite right.
Leave this with me.
I'll get on to Greville Preston and find out who's been telling tales, or we'll go to Ben Landless.
Absolutely right.
We don't need this from the "Chronicle.
" Leave it with me.
Thank you, Francis.
I'm very grateful for your support.
Not at all.
Goodbye.
Now, then, Mr Stoat.
You seem to have got yourself into a bit of a mess, and you haven't done a lot for the image of the party, have you? No, Chief Whip.
I'd like to say how terribly sorry I am You should have thought of that before.
Can we do anything for him, Stamper? Not easy, Chief Whip.
The sergeant is reluctant to believe our friend here stopped his car to ask the way to his own constituency.
Dear God.
- I'm awfully - Do shut up, Stoat.
I did persuade him to stretch a point.
He won't be proceeding.
Really? Oh, my gosh.
I can't begin to tell you how grateful Stoat, you've been lucky.
I heard you're thinking of abstaining on the second reading of the environment bill.
- Don't.
- No.
No, of course not.
Stoat, be off.
Try not to be such a fool.
If you must use whores, for God's sake go to a decent knocking-shop where they understand discretion.
- Stamper will give you a list.
- Yes, right.
Thank you very much.
I'm very I mean, if ever there's anything, anything at all - Yes, yes, yes.
Off you go now.
- Goodbye.
And, well Thanks again.
What a frightful little man.
Where do they find them these days? God knows.
If I had a dog like that, I'd shoot it.
Yes, quite.
- Roger O'Neill's in the outer office.
- Oh, yes.
I think I'll make this one a private chat, Stamper.
Whatever you say.
Roger.
- Good to see you.
Squash sometime? - I'd like that very much.
- Roger.
- Good morning, Francis.
- I'll be on my way.
- All right.
Have a seat, Roger.
Good of you to come in.
Drink? It's a bit early for me, but if you're offering - Whisky? - Sure.
Why not? Wanted to thank you for the good job you did in the run-up to the election.
One or two wanted to make you a scapegoat, but I'd have none of that.
- Neither would the PM.
- I hadn't realised anyone blamed me.
- You're not having one yourself? - It is a bit early in the day for me.
You've been a bit of a bad lad, Roger.
- What? - You've had your hand in the till.
- Francis, you're joking - Expenses are paid by Central Office.
You've been claiming quite large sums from the advertising agency as well.
- It's a bit naughty, Roger.
- Ah, that.
It's perfectly simple, Francis.
Accounting at Smith Square is so slow.
I'd wait months to get my money back.
It's much simpler to get it from the agency.
I've never taken a penny in expenses that wasn't absolutely legitimate, Francis.
Not a single penny.
I swear on my mother's grave.
ã22,370 in the last ten months, I make it.
Here we are.
Have a look at the figures.
Might be slightly out, but not by more than a tenner or so.
Bit steep for a few lunches, wouldn't you say? It's all Atchoo! Atchoo! Cocaine's awfully expensive, isn't it? Is it worth it? They say it makes a good man brilliant.
If that's so, you must be a genius.
Francis, you must believe me.
I haven't got a problem.
I'm not addicted.
I just use it occasionally for recreational purposes and when I have to work late.
I understand, Roger.
But there are not many who would.
And I know this sounds old-fashioned, but isn't it illegal? - What are you going to do? - I know what we SHOULD do.
Write off the money as a bad debt and toss you overboard.
But I must have a soft spot for you.
I'll bail you out.
I'll save your bacon.
And in return I want your absolute, unquestioning loyalty.
Yes.
Yes, of course.
To me personally, not to the Chairman.
I need someone I can trust to keep an eye on things and help out in general.
- Anything, Francis.
Anything at all.
- All right, Roger.
Now, listen to me very carefully.
Why do we consort with socialists tonight? Isn't that against the rules? Not a bit of it.
Steve Kendrick's not bad.
We used to work together years ago.
He's going to be pleased with me tonight.
Flash git, don't you think? Fancies himself.
- Fancies you, too.
- Everybody fancies me, except you.
Here he comes.
Teeth and tits.
One for you, and one for you.
- I gather you've got something for me.
- Yes.
How do you fancy being the star of Prime Minister's Question Time? Mr Kendrick! Number six, sir.
I refer the Honourable Member to the reply I gave some moments ago.
Mr Kendrick! Will the Prime Minister explain to the House why he is not going ahead with the hospital expansion programme? I note the Honourable Member's concern with the health service.
I remind him that under this government the health service has enjoyed an annual increase of 7%.
7% in real terms.
Furthermore, the health service has benefited more than any other service from our determination to reduce inflation and to operate in a sensible and cost-efficient way.
- Answer the question! - That is what I'm doing.
This government made a commitment to expand the hospital building programme.
It is not this government's practice to discuss the specifics It is not this government's practice to discuss the specifics of new spending plans in terms of precise dates.
Order! Order! - I refuse - Order! I am not prepared I am not prepared - I refuse to - Order! Order! Order! Order! How did that bastard Kendrick know? The cabinet didn't know till this morning.
No time.
It must have leaked out of yesterday's cabinet committee meeting.
Peter McKenzie was upset about cuts.
He wouldn't leak to an opposition MP.
Then who did? I want him found.
I want an example made of the bastard.
I think it was someone who wanted to make things difficult for you.
That's why it was leaked to Kendrick rather than the press.
It may be someone very close to you.
Someone you've always trusted and who now wants to break you.
Henry, I've just heard.
I came straight over.
Later, Teddy, if you'd be so good.
Ijust have to chew over a few things with Francis here.
Yes.
Yes, of course.
I'll .
.
come back later, then.
Those of us who care for the nation's defence have been astonished to hear that confidential documents have been left in a public house.
And they have rather less surprisingly found their way into the pages of the "Independent" newspaper.
We have been gravely alarmed to read in these documents of huge, unnecessary and positively dangerous cuts in the Territorial Army establishment.
Does the Prime Minister understand the damage that will be done to the government's support? Will the Leader of the House allow time to debate and to reverse this decision? Hear, hear! I remind my Right Honourable Friend that to discuss the contents of this stolen document is tantamount to condoning theft.
- Point of order, Mr Speaker! - Point of order.
Sir Jasper Grainger.
Would you not agree, Mr Speaker, that not to discuss the content of this stolen document would be a breach of faith, a betrayal by the government of its supporters? Mr Speaker, my Right Honourable Friends and I have listened to the mood of the House.
In the light of representations put from all sides today, the government, which prides itself on being a listening government Order! The government will temporarily .
.
rescind the cuts while it takes a further look at the whole question.
Resign! - Resign! - Order! Order! Mr Urquhart! Mr Urquhart! - Could you spare me a few seconds? - Ah, Miss Storin.
Yes, I think I could.
Let's go over there.
I've been following your work.
So has the Prime Minister, though he's not quite such an admirer.
- He had a terrible day today.
- A Prime Minister can change his mind.
Though we're not often privileged to see him do it in public.
Well, it'll all blow over, I dare say.
Will it? Two major leaks in less than a month.
Where are they from? I don't know.
I'm responsible for the back-benchers, not the cabinet.
I dare say I'll be asked to find out.
The leaks are coming out of the cabinet? The Prime Minister is investigating his own closest colleagues? You might think that.
I couldn't possibly comment.
Thank you.
All right! Don't tell me about it! DO something about it! That is exactly what is wrong with this goddamn country.
Everyone wants to give you their analysis of what's wrong and why nothing ever goddamn works! Nobody wants to get off their butt and MAKE the goddamn thing work! London! Jesus! I'd rather run a business in the Solomon Islands! Thoughts of a newspaper proprietor.
- He may be right.
Oh, God! - What are you working on? It's a thing about the leaks.
Urquhart's leading the witch-hunt.
I do think he has a sort of I don't know.
.
.
magnetism about him.
Kissinger syndrome.
The aphrodisiac effect of power.
- I guess that must be it.
- Not much chance for the likes of me.
Women don't tremble at the unbridled domination of the deputy editor.
Well, no.
You've got a nice face, though.
I don't know what's the matter with him, Francis.
I feel he's not listening.
As though he doesn't trust me any more.
He owes it all to you.
He recognises that.
But he doesn't trust any of us any more.
It's very distressing.
How can we help the man when he won't let us help him? Well, I'll continue to put the fear of God into the troops as long as I can.
But there comes a time.
.
Not yet, of course.
Yes, yes, yes, quite.
You will keep me informed, won't you, Francis? Now more than ever he needs wise counsel.
Of course I will, Teddy.
Goodbye, now.
I think Lord Billsborough's losing touch.
Shame.
Was a hell of an operator in his day.
Well, work to do.
Well, yes.
A couple of leaks are all very well, but it takes more than that.
A big scandal, perhaps.
A political scandal.
Or a scandal about something people really understand.
Sex.
Or money.
ã50,000, Mr Urquhart.
It's a very generous donation, Mr Jhabwala.
We don't often see such large sums in cash.
I'm a little old-fashioned.
I prefer to trust cash rather than cashiers.
Strictly speaking, you should hand it to the Party Treasurer, not to me.
But you are my Member of Parliament, Mr Urquhart.
I know you.
I trust you.
Oh, I'm sure the Party Treasurer is an excellent man.
But you, Mr Urquhart you are my friend.
Well, I'm very touched, erm And no, I hope to gain nothing.
Exceptmy wife and I would be thrilled to meet the Prime Minister if he should ever visit the constituency.
I'm sure that can be arranged.
Accommodation address.
Three months' payment in advance.
- Fine.
You're working round here now? - Yeah, that's right.
- And the name is? - Collingridge.
C Collingridge.
Right.
I might look you up myself one of these days.
Do you specialise at all, like? Yeah.
Verbal abuse, colonic irrigation.
- Bye, then.
- Bye.
Nasty little man.
It was all right, though? Yes.
Couldn't Charlie Collingridge do it? It's a waste of money paying me 18 grand to run errands.
- I'm supposed to be the brains.
- You are.
You are, I swear it.
Well, what's he want it for? Don't tell me he's going on the game.
Hardly.
PM's brother needs to be careful.
I don't know what it's for.
Spanking mags? - Using his real name? - Ours is not to reason why.
We're doing a favour.
The request came from the top.
We don't breathe a word.
- You wish to open the account with? - ã50,000.
- Excellent.
- In cash.
Excellent.
A high-interest current account, sir? No.
I shan't draw on it immediately.
- Could I purchase shares through you? - But of course.
It would be a pleasure.
Mendox Chemicals.
20,000.
You should be able to get them for about 240 pence.
UmI'm rather pressed for time.
Could I leave that with you? We should be able to confirm it by four.
Excellent.
Thank you very much.
Not at all, Mr Collingridge.
A pleasure.
Junior Minister of Health, Mrs Makepeace.
Mr Speaker, I'd like to make a statement.
The Department of Health, on the advice of the Chief Medical Officer, has today licensed three new drugs.
Cybernox, manufactured by Mendox Chemical Company, with general application in the treatment of rheumatoid arthritis Charles Collingridge here.
You opened an account for me last week.
I'm afraid I've had to alter my plans.
Negotiations on the hotel in Turkey have fallen through, and I'm flying back to Kenya at the end of the week.
Well, can't be helped.
Had a bit of luck with those Mendox shares, though.
Should clear 9 or 10,000 on them.
Can you sell those today at anything over 295? I'll come in tomorrow morning to close the account.
Can you send a closing statement to my London address? Charles Collingridge, 216 Praed Street, W2.
Thank you for all your help.
Goodbye.
- Not working this morning, Francis? - Oh, yes, Elizabeth, I am working.
I'm working very well, as a matter of fact.
Very good of you to come in, Humphrey.
I didn't feel comfortable with this money.
50,000.
What's he hoping to get? Five minutes with the PM, he says.
Bit more than the going rate, isn't it? I'll write to Mr Jhabwala today.
Chaps like him should be encouraged.
- Indeed.
- I'll see the PM is informed.
About time he heard a bit of good news.
Mr Urquhart.
Good morning, Mattie.
I couldn't believe it when you said "roof garden".
I'd no idea it was here.
Surprisingly few people know about it.
Good place to get away from the rabble.
So, what was it, Mattie? Thanks for your help over the last couple of months.
Must be glad they're over.
Well, we've known easier times.
What makes you think the summer's going to be any better for us? What do you mean? Can I say something in absolute confidence, not even on lobby terms? Yes.
Yes, of course you can.
I've heard that the tabloids are going to mount a personal attack on the PM.
- A nasty one.
They'll use his brother.
- His brother? Charles Collingridge.
You know him? Between the two of us, he's a liability.
Alcohol problem.
Debts everywhere.
When he's had too much to drink, he's not sure of his sexual orientation.
See the problem? If the PM disowns his brother, he's a heartless bastard.
If he stands by him, he's a security risk.
That's how they'll play it.
Why are you telling me? Because I think you're a responsible and honourable journalist.
I trust you.
And well, because I think we're going to need all the friends we can get.
There isn't any chance he's involved in something unsavoury with his brother? Oh, no.
No, I'm sure there isn't.
He's fond of his brother, but he's not a complete fool.
You'd have to say that.
You'd cover up for him even if there was something.
Perhaps.
But there isn't, is there? He seems to need a lot of propping up.
Well, that's all part of my job.
And it's all worth it, wouldn't you say? Since you ask, no.
I think there's at least one man who'd make a better leader.
You might think that, Mattie.
I couldn't possibly comment.